Episode 5 Fit

Hello, this is the FIT O'Clock News. Our top stories today.

The International Athletics Association have ruled

that the new javelin design

recently used to break the world record is illegal.

The sport of hide-and-seek is to be included in the next Olympics.

They've tried to tell the British champion the good news,

but unfortunately, no-one can find him.

With studies showing that the average British diet

is increasingly unhealthy,

one farm in Yorkshire is trying to make a difference.

Peter Johnson has the story.

I'm here with farmer James Archibald, who has an ingenious plan

to encourage healthy eating in the local community.

-James.

-Yes.

To discourage people from eating too much fatty foods,

I've bred pigs whose bacon tastes like Brussels sprouts.

Try some.

-HE GAGS

-That's rancid Brussels sprouts.

Yes, that really would discourage me from eating too much bacon.

And how do you make the bacon taste like rancid Brussels sprouts?

You simply feed the pig tons and tons of rancid Brussels sprouts.

PIGS BREAK WIND REPEATEDLY

Ugh.

We also do beef burgers that taste like rotten cabbage...

and chicken nuggets that taste like sour tapioca pudding.

And liver that tastes... well, tastes like liver.

And is the plan working?

Oh, yes. All of our local customers have stopped

buying fatty foods from us completely.

In fact, we've gone bankrupt, which is a good thing

because it stinks to high heaven around here.

-Excuse me.

-Back to the studio.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

PHONE RINGS

Hello? What is it? What's happening?

Steve, is that you? I can barely hear you - it's very noisy.

That's because I'm running a marathon.

-Yeah, how's it going?

-Yeah, good, thanks. I'm exhausted.

-Sorry, is this important?

-Yes.

You know the way we're having the Johnsons round for dinner tonight?

I was wondering if you could pick up a few bits.

We need some garlic bread and some broad beans.

Oh, and a lemon cheesecake, if you can find a nice one.

And some bananas.

'Er, broad beans, garlic bread, lemon cheesecake.'

Hang on a minute, I'm in the middle of a marathon!

'Yeah, I know, but I was looking at the route'

and you're going right past that big new supermarket just about now.

Yes, but...

Love you! Talk to you tonight, bye.

Oh!

Um, I've got to go to the supermarket, I'll catch you up.

GASPING

First game, second set. Mr Tasker to serve.

CROWD: Ohh!

Ohhh!

CROWD GROAN

# I am the new model

# I am the new model

# M-O-D-E-L

# The new model. #

Delon has had the morning off,

but our other two up-and-coming models

have been at another exhausting photo shoot.

Oh! Hi, guys.

Oh, my days, babe, I am so tired. This morning was full-on.

We had to walk down the runway and then all the way back again.

-No!

-Yes.

And, wait for it, we had to do it in massive hats.

-No!

-Yes.

They're working you into an early grave, babes.

Now, what can I get you?

Um, we'll have the rock shrimp tempura and salmon sashimi.

With wasabi and soya sauce.

And for mains, we'll have pan-fried scallops with wakame sea vegetables.

And for dessert, I don't know, I'm thinking green tea sorbet.

Oh, delish!

Right. Well, we don't do green tea sorbet.

In fact, we don't do any of those things that you just asked for.

Oh. Well, what do you do?

Burgers and chips.

Two of those, then, with a side salad.

Do you want dressing with your salad?

SHE SCOFFS Of course I want dressing.

I'm a model! I'm not going to do it myself.

THEY LAUGH

That was so funny when you said that thing just then.

A girl's got to keep her energy up.

I've got a photoshoot this afternoon

and I have to wear two coats.

You should fire your agent.

Oh, it's not that kind of coat, babes. Two coats of mascara.

Well, even so, you should still fire your agent.

-Yeah, I know.

-There you go.

Excuse me.

Sorry, how am I supposed to get this into my mouth?

-What do you mean?

-I'm not going to feed myself!

I have to change my shirt this afternoon. I'll be exhausted!

I can't go on like this.

Sir, I am not going to feed you.

We don't have to put up with this! Come on, guys.

# M-O-D-E-L

# The new model. #

Sorry, I can't do running today. I was in an accident at the weekend.

It's nothing serious, but I've got whiplash.

Yeah, I can't do it either because, er, I am French,

and ze French, they say no to cross-country!

Don't worry, John. I've done this thousands of times before.

-The only bit I'm not great at is the landing.

-Good.

-What?

-Oh, yeah. I'm shocking at it.

I think if I didn't have anyone strapped to the front of me

to absorb the impact,

I'd probably have hurt myself loads of times by now!

Right, off we go.

-No, wait, wait.

-No, don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

HE SCREAMS Whoo-hoo!

Sorry!

HE IMITATES A MONKEY

WHISTLE BLOWS

Not the face!

CHEERING, WHISTLE BLOWS

Have it!

My biggest sporting memory was being first over the line

in the Tour de France.

Turns out they don't allow motorbikes, though.

Oh, during the Olympics, watching my Uncle Pete

take Gold, Silver And Bronze...

for a walk.

They're his German shepherds.

MAN: Go on, go on. Well done, well done.

Keep running, keep running. Don't give up.

PHONE RINGS

That's it, keep running.

Yes? What?

-'Hiya. Did you manage to get the stuff?'

-Yes!

'And what about the cheesecake?'

Yes, and the cheesecake. Look, is this important? I'm...

Running the marathon, I know. Well, it is important, actually.

Look, Robbie's at the nursery and the plumber's just come round

to fix the sink, and, erm, I can't really leave.

Could you pick Robbie up from the nursery?

Helen, I'm running.

But you should be going past the nursery right about now.

Well, yes, I am, but...

He's in his pushchair, he'll be having his afternoon nap,

he'll be no bother, OK?

-Yeah, but...

-Love you. Bye.

Do you want a biscuit, Tony?

GLASS SMASHES

You join us this afternoon at the pool for the semifinal

of the 4x100 metre relax.

And they're off at a very relaxed pace.

Marshall, the American, where's he off to?

Oh, he's going for the inflatable chair!

That'll be very relaxing, especially with a nice, cool glass of lemonade.

Maciba looking like she's got all the time in the world.

Oh, dear, very energetic splash there from Marshall.

He'll surely lose some points for that.

Schneider's showing him how it's done.

She's not even getting into the pool.

Well, this is world class relaxing.

I expect we'll be waiting a good long time for the handover today.

Or possibly tomorrow.

Donovan there looking like he could be in the lead, or not -

too relaxed to care.

Maciba still not turned up to pick up her medal from 2010,

but here comes Peterson, the Dane.

Not sure she's going to catch much.

Doesn't look like she minds, though. It's just a splendid way to relax.

Tea and cake in an hour - don't go away.

Come on, people.

Have you seen what they're saying about Unhealthy Food Incorporated?

They're saying we're unhealthy.

What I want them to say is, we're healthy.

So, come on, give me some options.

Well, we've been doing some research in the lab

and we've come up with a healthy food option.

-It's nourishing.

-It's wholesome.

And we call it the "baked potato".

What is this new-fangled baked fotapo?

Potato. And it's not new. It's been around for thousands of years.

Surely it will have gone off by now.

Who cares? I'm not going to have to eat them.

So, what's the gimmick with this fotapo?

Potato.

Er, and the gimmick is, it comes as nature intended, in its jacket.

Jacket? Ha! The marketing boys are going to love that.

You can't get one in a shirt and a tie, can you?

I need a new head of sales.

It's not that kind of jacket.

Look at this. That's too big. I can't even fit it in my mouth.

That's the thing - you can cut it up into bits with a knife and fork.

A knife and fork.

I knew a kid who used a knife and fork once.

He fell off his bike and broke his leg.

Was the accident connected to the knife and fork in some way?

I don't know. I'm not a mind-reader.

But I swore that from that day forth,

my company would never sell food

that hadn't been pre-cut into easy to consume chunks

or thin slices like these.

It's raw! Are you trying to poison me?

You put a potato in the oven for 40 minutes.

I want my health food now, not 40 minutes from now.

I knew a kid who waited 40 minutes for his food once.

He only had half an hour for a lunch break.

He wound up hungry and ten minutes late for the rest of the day.

Let me guess - you vowed that you would cook your food quicker.

How could you possibly know that?

-Lucky guess.

-Wait a minute, wait a minute, hang on.

I've just had a revolutionary new idea.

What if we cook these things in, I don't know, say a deep-fat fryer?

They'll be done in seconds.

Then we put them in a little foil jacket.

We'll call them "brand-new potato slices in a foil jacket".

Or crisps.

I like it. That's why I pay you the big bucks.

Do I pay you the big bucks?

I hope not.

These need more salt.

I'll never forget England losing in the World Cup.

I've really tried to forget!

PHONE RINGS

Yes, I've got everything!

I know, I just saw you crossing the finishing line on the telly!

I was ringing to congratulate you. Well done.

Oh, thanks, babe! I appreciate it.

Yeah, so what time did you do?

Hang on, five hours and 35 minutes.

Five hours and 35 minutes, that's not very good, is it?

I thought you wanted to break the three-hour mark?

-I was, but...

-Maybe you should have done more training.

Ah well, never mind, there's always next year.

Will you hurry back with that shopping?

I don't want that cheesecake melting.

Yeah? Bye!

-Another cup of tea, Tony?

-Never say no.

-Ha, good man.

Do you have trouble getting to sleep,

having 40 winks, or even 41 winks?

Then you need...

Excuse me, I've been walking round here in the dark for hours.

Can I just buy this, please?

I'm sorry, that shirt is not for sale for personal reasons.

Consisting of roughly eight CDs,

I have concocted the perfect blend

of relaxing music and hypnotic phrases

to ensure you get a good night's sleep.

Just listen to these soothing songs.

# Go to sleep, go to sleep

# Go to sleep, please go to sleep

# Go to sleep now, go to sleep

# Will you please just go sleep

# Go to sleep and go to sleep

# Go to sleep (SNORES) and go to sleep. #

And if you're still having trouble getting to sleep, I will personally

visit you in your home to ensure you are listening to the CDs correctly.

-CD BLARES

-What? What's going on?

Oh, sorry, I had the volume too loud.

# Go back to sleep, go back to sleep

# Are you asleep? #

And if you buy it now, I will include this exclusive

Butterfield sleepy time eye mask that will ensure your eyes

remain completely closed the moment you get into bed.

But, be warned, they do contain a very strong glue,

so you must keep your tube of wake up paste nearby at all times.

It's the Butterfield Sound Asleep Sleep Therapy.

Call now!

You live for the burn. You drive for extremes.

You smash the painvelope.

Shouldn't you expect the same from your sports drink?

Agh! Fitness is a combination of diet and exercise.

Forget Diet Coke, you need Exercise Cola.

Exercise Cola is a complete workout in a can.

It's 40 times heavier than your regular diet sports drink.

Every swig of the can provides an isofizzic work-through

for your biceps, triceps, and Popeye muscles.

When it comes to exercise in a can, there's no such word as can't.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Excuse me.

What is it, mate?

-Is it OK if I leave the field?

-Are you injured?

No, it's just I've been fielding down at long leg all day

and I just realised cricket's really boring.

-Boring?

-Yeah, it just takes for ever. It's incredibly dull.

-Hmm!

Everything all right?

Mike's been fielding down at long leg

and he's just realised cricket's really boring.

Do you know what? I've been thinking the same thing.

Cricket generally or just this?

Cricket generally. It's always like this.

What's up?

Mike and Colin were just saying they think cricket's really boring.

I'm so glad somebody's finally said that.

I'm batting, that's supposed to be the interesting bit,

but I'm so bored.

Who invented the game? It goes on for literally days.

Listen, the fellas are just saying they think cricket's boring.

I must say, hearing it out loud, I think they've got a point.

-What do we all think?

-Well, I think it's really exciting.

-Really?

-No, it is boring.

Shall we take a vote? Who thinks cricket's boring?

-Right.

-I've got a football in my bag.

OK, jumpers for goalposts, stumps for corner posts.

Yeah, and you can be in goal.

But that's really boring!

Hey, there! Chad Stevens here again,

ready to tell you how to save time in 3087 super easy steps.

You've heard of brunch, the combination of breakfast and lunch.

Maybe this sort of thing, yeah?

Well, why not try brelunder?

Combining breakfast, lunch and dinner

into one easy meal will save you hours.

And remember, have brelunder before you go to bed

to save yourself time in the morning.

I feel sick.

Well, now you've got more time to be sick.

Awesome.

Job done.

Are you playing pool then?

Thought so.

The balls, the cue, the blue table.

That woman, I said, is playing pool.

Do you mind?

I don't mind at all. You carry on.

Oh, yes, of course, I get it, you need your space.

The player needs space.

Personal space.

Don't crowd her!

-I need quiet while I'm taking a shot.

-No worries.

You can count on me. Absolutely no noise whatsoever

as you're taking the shot, that important shot.

Just lining it up.

Quiet!

You're welcome.

I'm yellows.

In which case, you made a right fudge of that, didn't you?

See you later.

On your marks,

set...

STARTER GUN FIRES

Sorry, miss, I can't do gymnastics today.

I've got a note. I broke my arm in a five-a-side match at the weekend.

Yeah, miss, I can't do it either

because my mum's got a meeting at work and I think

it's got something to do with me not climbing on any equipment.

Can I interest you in a free sample, madam?

Oh, no, thanks.

All right, you've convinced me, just the one then.

Go on, just one.

Mmm!

Oh, yeah.

Mmm!

-Yeah.

-Mm-mm.

Mmm!

-Mm-mm?

-Er, yeah.

Mmm!

So can I interest you in a box of cakes?

No, thanks. I didn't really like them.

Good day.

Well, it has to be getting a hole in one.

I remember it went up the ramp, through the clown's mouth,

down the other side, past the windmill

and went straight in the hole. It was brilliant.

Tom and Harry are two brothers. Two brothers with a dream.

A dream of making it to the Olympic Games.

We're really serious about it, aren't we?

Yeah. We're definitely serious about it.

We're focused on it completely, aren't we?

What again?

Being in the Olympics.

Oh, yeah, the Olympics, yeah. We really fancy being famous sportsmen.

Yeah.

It's their dream, although they're so unfit

they might struggle to climb up on the podium.

Tom and Harry have been advised that in order to get to the Olympics

they need to be able to do a sport,

so with that in mind they've come here

to the British Gymnastics Association to try their luck at gymnastics.

We'd like to do the ribbons one.

Yeah, that looks easy.

Or...the spinning around on your arm and a bit of wood one.

That looks good.

To train to an Olympic level on the pommel horse

you'll need to train for eight hours a day for at least six years.

Right.

What about the ribbons one?

So what inspired you to try for the Olympics?

-Just want to be famous don't we, Tom?

-Yeah, we do.

It's our dream.

And we can't sing for toffee so we can't do a talent show.

Tom and Harry are determined that nothing will stop them

in their Olympic dream.

Tom and Harry's day at the British Gymnastics Association

is coming to an end.

That's enough training for one day.

How long have you been at it?

Including the snack break, about an hour.

-And we still can't really do it.

-No.

I don't think gym stuff is really for us.

Have you got any scissors?

They're not going to give up.

No way, not our boys.

Yeah, my cousin's got a skiing game and that's well easy.

Yeah, so maybe we'll try skiing.

You do know you'll have to wait a couple of years

for the Winter Olympics?

Oh, no, that won't do, we need to be famous sooner than that.

Yeah, tomorrow if poss.

I'm so proud!

Sorry, are you waiting for me?

Oh, no, I thought you were waiting for me.

The day I stood on the winner's podium at the Winter Olympics,

until security saw me and chased me off.

Er, I'll always remember my dad taking me

to my first rugby match at Twickenham.

Er, a bit of fun.

There was actually a streaker,

but, er, it was my dad.

Lads, this isn't going to be pretty viewing for some of you,

but the only way we're going to improve is by watching this tape

and analysing what went wrong.

-Trevor, you're first up.

-Yes, boss.

One goal, two assists.

You're one of the finest young strikers in the country,

but you've still got a lot to learn.

Have a look at this, everybody.

Well, it's my philosophy that the body only achieves

what the mind believes. Nurturing a positive mental attitude

can unlock vast energies that otherwise go unnoticed.

It's the self-belief of the team as a collective force

that really won the game for us today.

Anyone tell me what Trevor did wrong there? Yes, Franco?

I was quite interested in what he had to say.

Yes, good. Tommo?

-He was very articul...articul... articu...

-He used long words?

-Yeah.

-Exactly.

When you go to a match interview,

no-one wants to hear long words and intelligent insights, do they?

They want to hear you speak, but not say anything at all.

Am I making sense?

-Er, not really, boss.

-Nor should you.

Now I've got a series of flash cards here that should help us out.

Read what you see and remember it.

-ALL:

-It's a game of two halves.

-ALL:

-When all is said and done, the real winner tonight is football.

Excellent. And the brilliant thing about flash cards is you can use them

in any order. Let's try this again. Trevor.

What did you think about your team's performance?

The boys done well.

There are no easy games.

It's all still to play for.

Most enlightening. This is a profound revelation.

-Have you learnt nothing?

-Sorry.

What I meant was, when all is said and done, I'm over the moon.

Good lad.

-MUM!

-Ah!

Don't pick in your clothes from the line. Cut out the middle basket.

Put your clothes on directly from the line.

Show 'em, Bob from next door.

Awesome. Look at him go.

Putting his pants on one leg at a time.

Go, Bob!

Right, kids, now it's your turn.

Awesome.

And if you injure yourself by doing any of my time-saving tips,

you'll just save yourself even more time by not being able

to do the things you normally do.

Ah!

Job done.

Well, I'll never forget the day I was asked,

"What are your greatest sporting memories?"

Best sporting memory?

Erm, it's got to be the first time I went to Wembley

to see England play. You know, the atmosphere, the banners, the songs.

It turned out I'd got the wrong day. It was actually a Rihanna concert.

It was still good though.

And breathe in through your right nostril

and out through your left,

and relax.

Imagine each breath is a wave of calm.

Feel the stress leaving your body through your fingertips.

You're now totally relaxed.

Right, get out! I've got a step class in here now.

Come on, come on, I'm paid by the hour. Come on!

Don't forget your mat! Keep it alive, people.

Come on, come on, come on.

Dozy bunch!

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