Episode 6 Fit

Hello, this is the FIT o'clock news. Our top stories today.

Tests are carried out on a new motivational device designed

to get children to get off the couch and encourage them to cycle more.

World athletics say they're still determined to rid the sport

of doping, but the Chinese sprinter Do Ping says

they should stop picking on him.

But first, we all know it's important to stay hydrated,

but exactly how much water should you drink every day?

Patricia Johnson investigates.

With me here today is Dr Fallwood Blaine who's been

researching how much water the average person should drink.

Doctor Blaine, thank you for taking the time to talk to us.

Yeah, can we speed this up?

So, just how much water should we drink in a day?

According to my research, 20 litres...er, or 40 pints,

er, roughly two bathfuls.

Isn't there strong evidence that drinking vast amounts of water

is harmful?

No, my research is clear.

You need 728.5 litres a year, divided by the days, 365,

which is 19.995, round it up to 20, 20 litres a day.

I really need a wee.

It's not 20 litres, it's two.

What?

Oh, I put the decimal point in the wrong place again!

Forget I said anything. Gangway!

Thank you, Dr Blaine.

WATER RUNS

Ah...that is better.

Carry on without me.

Right, lads, we might be losing but this match is still winnable.

We just need to make a few tactical changes for the second half.

What we want to do is get the ball in the net, yeah?

Leonardo, right, you want to try and kick the ball

with your foot in the net. Not Marco's net, the other net.

Marco, you don't want the ball going in your net.

You want to try and stop the ball with your hands.

The rest of you, don't use your hands, only Marco can use his hands.

Marco, hands, rest of you, no hands.

Only use your feet,

cos this is where we're being tactically exposed, boys.

We're not kicking the ball in their net and yet we're allowing them

to kick it into ours, and this has to change.

So, if you get a chance, then kick the ball with your foot in their net.

All we've got to do is do that 36 times in the second half

and we would have scored one more than they did in the first.

This going in? Right, come on, who wants an energy drink?

OK, right.

You've got to hold the bottle in your hand and squeeze

the liquid into your mouth, not over your shirt, into the mouth.

Gregor, what have I just been saying?

GLASS BREAKING

Sorry!

CROWD CHEERING

Ugh, I'm not touching that, it's all sweaty.

-Take it.

-Get away from me!

-Just take it.

-Ugh!

-We're losing!

-Stop following me!

I'm on your team!

You join me here in the unforgiving Drava Valley of Southern Mongolia.

It might not look like there's a lot here for the outdoorsman to eat,

but you just need to know what you're looking for.

In order to find the food I'm looking for,

I'm going to need to set a trap.

We need to be cunning in order to lure our prey.

I'll entice them in using the one thing they can't resist -

mixed olives.

Now, we watch and wait.

Nothing yet.

Hang on, we've got a bit of interest, just a little bit closer.

I've got one. OK, let's go.

Oh, now, oh, it's a beauty, look. An adult male.

The more squeamish amongst you might want to look away now.

Ah!

Oh, it's a mighty meaty.

Got some... Oh, oh, it's got chilli on it.

Oh! Have we got any water?

Where's the stream?

Agh...water!

The Misspelt Games.

You join us this afternoon at the stadium of Heavy,

for the third event in the weight listing.

Mariusz Raneyevska, three times Polish number one and a man

who has listed more weights

than the world hot dinners champion has had hot dinners.

And he's off.

2.5k, 5k, 10k, 15k, 25k. 25k, 15k, 10k, 5k, 2.5k.

4.35 seconds, a creditable result for Raneyevska.

He didn't miss any.

Not his best time, but according to his coach,

he scalded his tongue on some boiling hot porridge this morning.

So not so much hot dinners then as hot breakfasts.

I won't go within a mile of broccoli,

which is quite tricky at the supermarket.

I won't touch chicken nuggets.

I mean, I don't even know what part of a chicken is its nuggets.

I would never eat slugs on toast ever again.

Excuse me sir, can I interest you in any grooming products?

Excuse me sir, can I interest you...?

Excuse me sir, can I interest you in any grooming products?

Er, no, it's a bit girly, innit?

Oh, not these products sir, they're new products,

they're called ManMade, made for men.

Why don't you try some of our new ManMade hand cream?

ManMade hand cream? What's manly about having soft hands?

Oh, you won't have soft hands after this, sir.

Here, let me try some on you.

Ow! What is this? Ow!

It's ManMade hand cream, it's made from gravel.

After a couple of weeks of using this, sir,

you'll have the hands of a real man.

The hands of a man who's punched a lawnmower to death.

No, it's not for me.

Well then maybe you'll want to use some ManMade face cream,

for skin rougher than a cat's tongue. Here.

Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Of course it does, it's because it's made with a new and improved formula

with added grit and metal filings.

And it hurts even more if you use the new face applicator.

No, no, it hurts enough already!

Oh, sir, you're actually crying.

Then wipe away those tears with ManMade tissues.

Get away from me!

They're made from sandpaper!

Oh, some men just aren't manly enough to handle ManMade's

men products made for men.

Excuse me, sir, can I interest you in any grooming products?

Ow!

-All right?

-All right?

It's just in there...

Cheers.

All right?

Can you just...?

Ah.

Yes!

All right?

Just...

Cheers.

All right, girls? You've all got your new autobiographies out.

Actually, this is my third aubioto, bioto...book about me, isn't it?

Any good stories in there?

I don't know, I haven't read it.

OK, Jem, you've got an autobiography out as well.

Yeah, it's actually in two volumes.

Wow, there must be a lot in it.

Well, it's really just a list of all the footballers I've snogged.

Suze, you've got yours out too.

What made you want to write an autobiography?

Well, I think it's fair to say that we are our history, and that without

diarists like Samuel Pepys we would know very little about the everyday

experiences of the common man, and that's how I see myself, an ordinary

woman putting pen to paper as a legacy for those who come after us.

Sorry! Me book, it contains

all of me favourite Tweets about sunglasses.

I'm so sorry!

Help! I can't swim!

With you in a second.

Help me!

OK, just one second.

Help! Help!

Don't panic!

A couple more minutes.

Somebody help me!

It's all right, I'm OK. I'm OK.

Thanks! For nothing!

Oi! No pushing!

Can somebody help me out, please?

Do you need to get fit? Fitter? More flexible or/and less fatter?

Then join the Butterfield Discount Gymnasium.

My gymnasium is absolutely half-full with state of the art equipment,

with everything you need to get healthier and fitter, except water.

Equipment like this.

One, one, one.

Three, ow.

'Ow'.

Oh sorry, are you OK?

'Not really, ow'.

Becoming a member of the Butterfield Discount Gymnasium

just couldn't be easier.

All you need are seven different forms of identification,

a list of all your relatives dating back 625 years,

a letter from your milkman and exactly £4 in 50p pieces.

And remember, please bring a coat -

we don't have any central heating in the gymnasium, so you will get cold.

Once you've signed up, we'll give you your membership card.

Oh, hang on, this isn't you. Erm...

Perfect.

And every new member will receive this free sports bag...

key ring.

What can I keep in that?

Anything you want, it's up to you.

I think these are just about done.

Oh, that's not supposed to happen.

Can someone get some water? Water, I need water.

Do you want the real taste of a barbecue with none of the hassle?

Then what you need is Burnt 2-A-Crisp 4U.

We'll deliver charred meats right to your garden.

All of your burnt-to-a-crispness, none of the aggravation.

BOTH: Wow! Great!

Is this chicken or pork or beef?

No idea.

Is this my vegetarian sausage?

Er, could be. Impossible to tell really.

Ow, my tooth!

That's actually charcoal.

It's just like the real thing!

At Burnt 2-A-Crisp 4U, all our meat comes direct from the freezer,

so we guarantee while the meat will be burnt to a cinder

on the outside, it will still be cold and uncooked in the middle,

locking in those dangerous salmonella viruses.

And order this week and get this portion of ketchup.

That should help mask the taste of burnt meat.

ALL: Yeah!

So call the crew at Burnt 2-A-Crisp 4U.

Order today and get this bucket of smoke absolutely free.

It's just like the real thing, only so much better.

Can the parents make their way to the track for the next event,

the egg and spoon race.

Now don't worry, boy, we've got this race in the bag.

Your old dad's been putting in a bit of practice.

Suffice to say, this year we'll be taking home the egg cup.

Good luck, Dad.

Hang on, that's not fair. Where's your egg and spoon?

No way, you can't run the race without an egg or spoon.

Who's in charge here? Where's the judge? Oh, great!

It's not fair if he runs the race without an egg and spoon.

Fine, whatever, I'll beat him anyway.

Oh, come on!

CROWD SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

Can parents please get ready for the next event, the sack race.

Oh no, two can play at that game.

Welcome back to the World Championships

where we have seen some truly extraordinary figure skating today.

What do you think, Terry?

Nah...I could do that.

Really?

Yeah, and that. If I wanted to.

You can't skate, Terry.

Yes, but if I did, I reckon I'd be brilliant at it.

I'd probably win this.

-I probably wouldn't even get out of breath.

-Right.

And the er, record-breaking pair there, astounding the audience

with a classic camel spin and cartwheel lift.

-I've got a mate who can do that. His name's Colin.

-Colin.

He works down the local chippy. Anyone can do that.

It's easy.

I don't think it is.

It is. I can do that. And that.

You see, I've got excellent balance, me.

What was that you were saying, Terry?

I meant to do that.

We all love walking the dog, but sometimes it can be a real faff.

You've got to find the shoes, meh.

So here's a simple tip I use to make dog exercise a walk in the park.

These retractable leads are available from most good pet shops.

There's five metres of lead in the handle.

I've chained 18 of them together, so my dog can have a good

run around the park without me needing to leave my chair.

And your dog comes to heel at the push of a button.

And that's how to cheat at walking your dog.

Fenton, Fenton, come!

DOG BARKS

I never eat fish fingers.

I mean, I'm no marine biologist,

but the nearest you get to a fish with fingers is a mermaid.

Well, I've stopped eating anything that contains artificial colours,

except biros.

Honey, I won't eat honey, respect the insect.

I will never burgle a bee for food.

Ah!

Sorry, Miss, I can't do athletics today.

I got blisters from training at the weekend

and my coach says I should rest today.

My pants are on fire!

The players being led on to the court by their coaches.

Laroche acknowledging the crowd, very popular player,

entered the tournament on a wild card, think it was Mr Bun the baker.

And looking very relaxed, there's Gianovich, very happy on grass.

And the service brings Laroche right up to the net,

getting an early grip on things.

Gianovich coming off her line to return.

Oh, just kissing the top of the net!

You have to say, Laroche's game is really picking up now.

Gianovich is so at home on grass.

And the ball is in, but the racket is out.

Advantage Miss Gianovich.

Ah, Gianovich has seen the beakers of squash and she's off.

Laroche not happy about that,

well, I've not seen a tantrum like that since McEnroe,

or this morning's incident with the mashed banana.

TODDLER CRYING

Look, the cup final is one of the most prominent events in football.

Well we can promise you, Mr Toms, that Benson's Fireworks

will make sure your event goes off with a bang.

Yes, you've said that a few times.

Well, what have we got in mind?

We thought we'd kick off with, erm...

MIMICS FIREWORK

..in a lovely purple.

Hmm, and then maybe a silvery sparkly spider, wof, wof,

wof, wof, wof, wof, wof, wof, wof, vavooom.

Yeah, and then a zoom, zoom, zoom, ch, ch, ch, ch, pow, pow,

pow, pow, pow with a delightful shower of sparkly white petals.

Ooh.

I mean you could even go for a vooooooom...poof.

Followed by a sssss, shwoo, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, feeoow, powk!

I've always liked the fwaf, fwaf, fwaf, fwaf, fwaf, and for the big

finale I'd like some shazooom, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.

Unfortunately, they don't do those anymore.

But we can give you a shazooom, ping, ping, ping, ping, shazooom.

All with the soundtrack of We Will Rock You.

Dum, dum, zoom, zum, zum, zoom.

# We will, we will rock you. #

Zum, zum, zoom, zum, zum, sssss.

I like it. So, how much are we talking?

We could probably achieve a fireworks display like that for...

£100,000.

IMITATES FAILED FIREWORK

THEY IMITATE DISAPPOINTING FIREWORKS

JAUNTY MUSIC

Sushi? Raw fish?

If I'm going to spend that much on a meal,

I at least expect it to be cooked.

I stopped eating canned fruit

because I heard that the cans can sit around for months

in the warehouse after they've been picked off the tree.

WHISTLE

Red card! Yesss!

Yesss! Yes!

-Woo-hoo! Yes!

-Yes!

-Get in there!

Yes! Come on!

Yes!

Whoo!

Yesss!

Yes!

Well done, son.

-WHISTLE

-Free kick!

We all like to look stylish, but sometimes you can't be faffed

ironing your favourite dress or wiping old food off your cardigan.

So here's a simple tip on how to cheat at looking stylish.

To draw the eye away from the problem, you can use accessories,

like this bag, or a large brooch, but my favourite

is this moustache.

Now, no-one's going to notice the creases in your dress,

and everyone's going to be looking at your stylish moustache.

Which I hope I don't get any breakfast caught in.

And that's how to cheat at looking stylish.

Have a good day at work. Are you back at the usual time?

Yeah, I'm not working late tonight so I'll be back for dinner.

Have a good day at school, kids. Be good.

-BOTH:

-Bye, Dad.

-Bye.

-See ya!

MUSIC: "I Got You Dancing (Jack Beats Remix)" by Lady Sovereign

MOBILE RINGS

MUSIC STOPS

Hello, love.

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just a bit swamped at work.

Look, I've got to go cos the boss is on the other line.

Yeah. Bye.

MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN

Laters!

MUSIC STOPS

-KIDS:

-Hey, Dad.

Hey, kids. Where's your mum?

-I think she's out in the garden.

-Ah.

MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN

MUSIC STOPS

Hello, darling, nice day at the office?

It was a bit hectic. Have you been up to the usual?

Oh, same old errands. Nothing out of the ordinary.

You lot are SO boring.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd