Episode 13 Fit

-I'm Tabby Morgan.

-I'm Steven Evens.

And this is the Fit review of the season.

And what a season it's been, full of highs and lows,

hits and misses, agonies and ecstasies.

Goal!

Wins and losses, overs and unders, triumphs and disasters,

ups and... Well, you get the idea.

Yes, it's the end of the season and it's time to hand out some awards,

so sit back and enjoy the very best moments of Fit, as chosen by us.

Still with us? Great, well, let's get on with the show.

Our first category is Coach of the Season.

Good coaches work tirelessly to bring out the very best

in the people they're training.

But these ones are awful.

Yeah, I've got this new personal trainer,

he's the most amazing motivator.

Look, here he is now! Whoo! Des!

He's a zombie! Aaah!

Yeah, I know.

Thing is, he's not just any old zombie, he's flesh-eating,

which, personally, I find really motivating.

You exercise like your life depends on it...

-which, of course, it does.

-Aaah!

-Whoo!

All right, guys.

Just time for the finishing touches in your scuba-diving training before

we head out, so let's go through the final basic procedure, OK?

Everyone with me?

Breathing mask on, start your descent down, spot the shark.

Panic! Aah!

There's a shark! Try desperately to swim away.

Aah! He's got my leg! Help! He's eating me!

I'm inside the shark!

I'm actually inside the shark, he's eaten me whole, got to get out.

Tickle his windpipe. Tickle, tickle, tickle, yes, yes, yes. It's working!

He's throwing me up, swim to the surface,

drag yourself back onto the boat and scream, "I'm alive!"

Who wants to get in the water first?

Guys?

And the winner in the category of Silliest Coach, in the red corner...

BELL RINGS

You're doing great, Billy, you're doing great,

you've got him just where you want him.

But keep moving, stay away from that left hook.

Keep giving him the jab just like you are doing

but stay away from him. Make him come to you.

You're getting under his skin,

he's going to start making some mistakes

and, when he does, you know what to do.

Right, left, uppercut, just like we talked about

but stay away from the ropes.

Listen to me, Billy.

You're going to come out of this ring a champion.

All you need to do is stay focused and you can do this.

BELL RINGS

Er, coach?

You look beautiful. Good luck.

One, two, three...

There have certainly been lots of surprising moments in this season...

GORILLA GRUNTS AND SCREAMS

No, nothing surprises me anymore.

So here's our choice of runners-up.

There was a surprise at the Winter Olympics figure skating

competition when Antarctica won its first ever gold medal.

And in second place an unconventional hole-in-one.

But here's the one we thought was the most unexpected of all.

THEY MOAN IN PAIN

Next up, it's the category of Most Annoying Person.

And I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me.

No, no, no, no, I don't believe you, Ref, how did you miss that?

Are you going to get a single decision right today?

Oi, Ref, there's an optician's in the high street,

do you want me to give you a lift, eh?

-Penalty!

-A penalty?!

That was never a penalty in a million years,

what are you thinking, Ref?

Are you always this stupid or is it just today or...

Right, that's quite enough. You do this every week.

None of the other parents hurl insults,

so I'm asking you nicely for the last time.

Dad, please stop it.

Imagine each breath is a wave of calm.

Feel the stress leaving your body through your fingertips.

You're now totally relaxed.

ALARM BEEPS

Right, get out, I've got a step class in here now, come on!

Come on! Paid by the hour. Come on! Don't forget your mat!

Keep it alive, people! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Time now to meet the winner in the category of Most Annoying Person,

although you have nearly convinced me that you deserve the prize.

Hello.

Hello.

You're playing golf, then?

-Yep.

-Yep, thought you were.

The club, the ball, the grass - I thought,

"That man, he's definitely playing golf."

Yeah, silent preparation - very important for the game.

Blocking out all distractions.

You must clear your mind of all other thoughts.

Yeah, get it, totally get it.

Be my guest.

Ooh, is that a pound coin? Ah, there's a stroke of luck!

-Shhh!

-All right, calm down.

-It's not your pound coin, is it?

-No.

No, you... You focus on the golf, yeah.

HAS ANYONE LOST A POUND COIN? HAS ANYONE LOST A POUND COIN?

ANYONE?

Looks like it's mine, then.

I don't care about your pound coin, just shut up about your pound coin.

Yeah, yeah, you need to concentrate, totally get it. Totally get it.

Get into the zone, the zone.

Oh, it's a sweet wrapper!

Oh!

Sorry.

Made a right fudge of that one, haven't you?

You want to concentrate, mate.

Wow, he really was annoying.

I like him.

I give up.

Time now for the most unsporting moments of the season.

These are the clips about gamesmanship, cheating

and everything else that we pretend not to enjoy

when we're watching sport.

As you can imagine with this show

there were a lot of unsporting moments to choose from.

Oi, oi, oi, what was that?

What? I took it past him, didn't I?

Did he or did he not make contact with you?

Er, yeah, I think he clipped me.

Then you should've gone down! You're a Premiership football player!

You're supposed to be setting a bad example.

-Sorry, gaffer.

-Right.

Let's try that tackle again and this time

I want you to dive onto the pitch as if you're a proper professional.

Aaah! My head! My arm! My leg! My other leg! My feet!

The soles of my feet! My eyes!

Good, good. Now gesture to the benches that you can't go on...

and that's a red card for the other player, he's off.

-And I feel fine again.

-Textbook.

Welcome back to the World Championships,

where we have seen some truly extraordinary figure skating today.

-What do you think, Terry?

-Nah, I could do that.

Really?

Yeah, and that, if I wanted to.

You can't skate, Terry.

Yes, but if I did I reckon I'd be brilliant at it.

-I'd probably win this.

-Right.

And the, er, record-breaking pair there astounding the audience

with a classic camel spin and cartwheel lift.

-I've got a mate who can do that, his name's Colin.

-Colin.

He works down the local chippy. Anyone can do that, it's easy.

I don't think it is.

It is. I can do that. And that.

You see, I've got excellent balance, me.

I meant to do that.

Now, for most people, the end of the game is the end

of the opportunities for unsporting behaviour but the true professional

plays the game long after the final whistle, as our winner shows.

CHEERING

SHE SOBS

SHE WAILS

SHE KEEPS CRYING

A gold-medal performance there from the bronze medallist.

Now, there's nothing wrong with a bit of showing off -

I once recited the complete works of Shakespeare

after scoring a goal at Molineux - but this is ridiculous.

You see, a horse is a very demanding beast, I really can't imagine

you controlling one at a high speed wearing those jeans and trainers.

There is a reason why professionals wear these clothes, you know.

You're not a professional.

No, but I think like one, and that's the main difference between me

and you, Simon.

TOY HORSE PLAYS "POP! GOES THE WEASEL"

Of course, I'm more used to riding thoroughbreds.

The gold medal is ours for the taking, Ivan,

you have taught her well.

Yes, for five years we have trained Olga

to be the greatest ice skater in the world.

We have taught her jumps, turns, combinations, crossovers,

spins and lifts.

She has mastered the Lutz Jump, the Mohawk Turn,

the Death Spiral, the Russian Splits and the Haircutter.

We have taught her everything there is to know about ice skating.

Apart from how to stop.

Yes, the stopping could definitely do with some work.

The thing is, everyone's got some weakness in their game.

David Beckham's great with his feet

but he can't blow snot rockets out of his nose to save his life.

-Snot rockets?

-Yeah, like this.

And while we clear that up,

let's clear up who is the biggest show-off of this season's Fit.

He... Help!

Time now for the What Happened Next challenge.

Take a look at this.

Hiya.

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the Four-sports Sports Cap, the Eyelid Exerciser...

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Since the dawn of time, man has tried to harness the awesome

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Now that power can be yours with the Butterboot.

The Butterboot gives you the edge you need in pro football.

They have horses' teeth for extra grip,

horses' shoes for extra power, ponytail for extra flair.

You also get these blinkers to keep you focused on the game.

Just feel the awesome power of the Butterboot with every kick.

The Butterboot, available from all good blacksmiths. Call now!

Coming soon to Fit TV, original British drama.

In every police force there is some good...

-I'll let you take this one, big guy.

-I'm not sure I'm ready, guv.

..some bad...

You're ready, OK.

Yeah, we're here now, bring the unit car round, over.

THEY GIGGLE

..and some really stupid.

They're coming!

Bad Cop - catch it before they all get fired.

From the makers of Surgeons Behaving Badly.

So, before the break we asked you what happened next.

Let's see the answer.

This category honours those groups of people

who, through their hard work, training and mutual support,

have created a unit that is far stronger than the sum of its parts.

But we didn't have any of them, so let's have a look at this lot.

Target is in sight, target is moving into position.

Why are you talking like that? We're right here.

Sorry, um, target is in position.

There. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Health SWAT team, put down the ice cream!

Put the cone down, Tommy!

Come on, Tommy, it doesn't have to be this way.

Put down the unhealthy option.

Put it down, Tommy, nice and easy.

Now take the fruit salad.

That's a good boy, that's it, get that vitamin C inside you.

Close call. Well done, lads. Now let's get this cleaned up.

I'm onto it, boss.

And then it's back to base for a camomile tea.

Charlie!

Go on, lads, grab a drink, take a seat, take a seat.

OK, that was just the first 45 minutes,

we need to put that behind us, OK.

We're only 2-1 down and we can still do this, all right?

Now, Jonno, I know that was a soft goal you let in

but one mistake does not make you a rubbish keeper.

-Jonno.

-Eh?

-Unbelievable.

-Good, thanks, yeah.

Yeah, all right.

Now, Stewie, I want you to get down the channels.

I want you to get at their left back. He can't match you for pace

so I want you to take him to the line and whip those balls in.

-Yes, get in there.

-That's the attitude.

Level four, high score!

Right, put that down, this is important.

Nobody got anywhere in professional football by mucking about.

Ain't that right, Compo?

Hang on, boss, I'm just updating my status.

Right. All your electronic equipment in this bin.

Now. Come on, all of it. In the bin.

Smudger. Smudger, in the bin. And you.

Right, now maybe we can talk about this game of football we're losing.

PHONE RINGS

One minute. Hello? Hiya, yeah, fine.

Yeah. Bye, bye-bye, bye. Love you. Love you, bye, bye.

That was the ref, second half's about to start

so get out there, come on! Come on!

Level four, I'll beat that easy.

-Er, yeah, hang on.

-Be with you in a minute.

Yeah, it's n-nearly there.

It's our Fit review of the season and here are our top picks

for the worst food-and-drink-related disaster.

Here's the first of our runners-up.

-It's the best yet! Very, very good.

-Aah, lovely. Well done, son.

Maybe he should be an architect, after all.

Sorry, are we in the way?

I'm here with farmer James Archibald, who has an ingenious plan

to encourage healthy eating in the local community. James.

Er, yes, to discourage people from eating too much fatty foods,

I've bred pigs whose bacon tastes like rancid Brussels sprouts.

And how do you make the bacon taste like rancid Brussels sprouts?

You simply feed the pig tonnes and tonnes of rancid Brussels sprouts.

PARP!

We also do beef burgers that taste like rotten cabbage...

and chicken nuggets that taste like sour tapioca pudding.

And liver that tastes, well, tastes like liver.

-Is the plan working?

-Oh, yes.

All of our local customers have stopped buying fatty foods

from us completely.

In fact, we've gone bankrupt, which is a good thing cos it...

it stinks to high heaven around there. Excuse me.

-Back to the studio.

-HE GAGS

You know, I don't really get that.

I mean, I eat Brussels sprouts virtually for every meal

and I've never had a complaint about the smell.

-PARP!

-Whoa!

Time now for the result of our Goal of the Season contest.

There were lots of contenders to choose from

but in third place was this goal.

Great goal, I think you'll agree.

In second place, a goal from the Premiership.

Oh! Another classic.

But the winner of this season's Fit Goal of the Season competition

is this cracker.

Everything all right?

-Oh, no, he won't move.

-Who?

Dean in goal says he won't change ends.

Well, he's got to, it's the second half, we have to change ends.

-I know, but he says he's got the goal just how he likes it.

-He what?

Well, to be fair he spent ages tidying the nets and that

and now he doesn't want to move.

I mean, he's got a point, look at the state of your goal,

it's a right mess.

So what, as long as you can kick a ball in it, who cares?

-Is there a problem, gents?

-Yeah, he won't change ends.

I don't blame him, your goal's a disgrace.

-That's what I said.

-When was the last time you had it decorated?

It doesn't matter, we have to change ends, it's in the rules.

He's got a point. You'll have to bring on your substitute goalie.

There might be a problem there -

he won't leave the bench, not after all the work he's put in.

To be fair, that is a lovely bench.

And finally it's the category of Most Embarrassing Moment

in this season of Fit.

Luckily, no-one filmed the time

I accidentally came to work in my pyjamas...

Oh, actually, they do have that.

-They're just uploading it onto the internet at the moment.

-Aah!

How did that not win?

Because here's the winner of this season's Most Embarrassing Moment.

Well, technically, this isn't an embarrassing moment,

it's loads of them.

I think you've got a flat tyre.

Oh, don't worry about that, that's just a slow puncture.

Quick pump of air and that'll be good to go.

PARP!

Is everything OK?

I-It's an old pump so it makes a few funny noises.

Of course.

PARP!

PA-ARP! PARP!

PARP! PARP! PARP!

PRRRRP!

RAPID PARPS

PA-A-A-A-ARP!

What a noisy pump. Well, that should do it.

-Ready to go?

-Sure.

PARP! PARP!

Is that still the pump?

It's the... It's the helmet.

PARP!

It's the saddle.

PARP!

Uh! It's ver... Very boggy.

PARP! Do you recognise that birdcall?

PARP!

I think my shoes, they're just a bit loose.

PA-A-A-ARP!

My phone's just gone off. It's a new ringtone.

Ha-ha! Great stuff. Well, it just leaves me to say...

Sorry, Steven, can I just stop you there?

I'm afraid we've run out of time.

Oh, yes, I know, I was just going to say...

Steven, we literally haven't got time.

I'm Tabby Morgan, thanks for watching.

-And I'm Steve...

-No time. Goodbye.

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