Episode 12 Fit

Hello, this is the FIT o'clock news.

Our top stories today.

At the World Ice Skating Championships,

there's an unfortunate incident when one spectator

goes looking for his lunch.

Doctors are warning that some fizzy drinks have nine teaspoons of sugar.

And if those teaspoons get stuck in your throat,

they could do a lot of damage.

And premiership football team Tolchester United

have smashed the British record transfer fee for a goal keeper.

Patricia Johnson went to see him in action.

I'm standing here with Walter Cheeseman.

So, Walter, this is quite an innovative idea, I must say.

Well, rather than spending a fortune on some foreign goal keeper

who keeps getting injured, I thought we'd just put the money in the goal.

Quidsy, as I'm calling him, is shaping up nicely.

Good save, lad!

Rock solid. Very difficult to beat.

I've heard you've already had offers from rival teams to buy him.

Can you confirm those rumours?

Yes. We've had an offer of £50 million for Quidsy from Inter Milan.

But let me tell you something, he's going nowhere.

You've been offered £50 million for him?

Yeah, but he's worth double that.

No, he's worth exactly £30 million.

You could take the £50 million and still have £20 million to spare.

Your point being?

Oh no, he's injured! Physio!

Ooh! It looks like this could spell disaster for the team.

Oi! I should think so!

It looks like Quidsy's going to be OK. Back to the studio.

ALARM BLARES

Get out the way!

Stop, police! Suspected bank robber seen leaving rear of the bank

and heading north up Brewer Street.

I'm pursuing on foot.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Ugh! Oh, stitch. Oh, that's a stitch!

Argh! That's a stitch.

Doh!

Officer down!

POLICEMAN GRUNTS

They make this look so easy on the telly.

Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

HE RETCHES AND BURPS

We all love keeping fit,

but sometimes it can be a lot of bother.

So, here's a simple shortcut that I use

when I want to lose a few centimetres around the waist

but can't be faffed to actually exercise.

This is a simple tape measure,

and if you look here, you'll see that my waist is 78cm.

It looks like I've had a few too many fried breakfasts.

But here's a tape measure that I made myself. It took no time at all.

And if you look here, my waist is 6cm.

That's actually too slim. I could do with putting on some weight.

Mmm, dippy egg!

And that's how to cheat at keeping in shape.

BREAKING GLASS

Sorry!

Well, one doesn't win best garden on the street three years running

without putting in the hard graft.

What do you think you're doing? Stop ruining my flowers!

-I think his dog's got a bit out of control.

-What dog? Where?

Mind my azaleas? I'm going to report you to the local council!

I think he's stopped.

Oh, that's why he's stopped.

When cooking a chicken,

always prod it with a fork before taking it out of the oven.

If it clucks, it's not ready.

Eat under a fountain,

that way you don't have to do the washing up.

It's useful to have a copy of Jamie Oliver's cookbook in your kitchen,

especially if your table has one leg shorter than all the others.

Can I just say, Jack, that I absolutely hate working with you?

The hatred is all mine, Bob, let me assure you.

-I hate you.

-Hate you more.

-Hate you times a million.

Hate you to infinity!

And welcome to the Test match here at Lords.

I'm delighted to be joined by my esteemed colleague

in the commentary box, Bob Zackerman.

It's always a pleasure to work with you, Jack.

Perhaps you'd like to summarise where we've got to

on this, the third day of the Test.

Well, England need 176 to avoid the follow on.

Wormald hasn't scored a Test century for two years.

And who did he score that against?

South Africa? Sri Lanka? Scotland?

-Pakistan.

-Pakistan, yes I knew that.

In fact, Wormald has lost his last nine tests playing for England.

He certainly knows what it's like to be a loser, Bob.

Loser Bob. Loser.

I'm going to have to shut you up there, Jack,

as we're ready to start play.

He's beginning his customary long run up and... Whoa!

This match is so full of its ups and downs, isn't it, Bob?

It certainly is, Jack, ups and downs.

Ups and downs.

Ups and downs.

Ups and downs and a bit sideways.

And Silverman starts his run up once more.

WHISTLING

Lovely sandwiches.

We'll start with those.

-Take those.

-Thank you.

Sorry, are we in the way?

Darling, we should probably move.

Yes, you're probably right.

MUSIC: "Starships" by Nicki Minaj

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And England steal a quick single.

That takes them up to 40 for no loss of wicket.

Still a long way to go but it's a great start.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank

Mrs E Rooster of Tunbridge Wells for sending in a lovely Victoria sponge.

Mmm! Delicious, wouldn't you agree, Bob?

Here comes the next delivery.

Wormald draws his bat back and...

And it's a six!

And he really connected with that!

And England are on 46, and the only person out is Jack.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do netball today. I've got a note.

I've hurt my ankle and the doctor said

I shouldn't put any weight on it for a week.

Miss, I'd better sit on the bench as well.

I'm allergic to my nan.

ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH

Hi there. I was wondering if you could help.

I've just swam the Channel, hence the trunks and the grease.

The problem is, I haven't really thought about how I'd get home

and I was just wondering if I could pop back on your ferry to England.

Ah, of course, Monsieur.

-A thousand thanks.

-That will be 39 Euro.

Oh no, no, no. The problem is I haven't brought any money.

I mean, where would I keep it? Where would I keep it indeed?

Sir, remove your hands from the table top, they are, how do you say?

Greasy.

Sorry.

Look, you seem like a nice chap.

And you see I've swam all the way from England to France for charity.

Yeah, yeah. I did it for charity, I do a lot of charity stuff, yeah.

I was just wondering if you could please let me on the ferry.

What do you say?

That will be 39 Euro.

Look, seeing as you did it for charity, let me pay.

A single to Dover for this charitable man.

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh! Don't mention it.

There you go.

Thank you. Merci.

Er, passport, please.

Monsieur!

Real life got you fat? Well, now real life is going to get you fit.

I can make you fit with my unique motivational methods.

This is Jim's Gym, get real.

Session one, family day out.

Dad, row faster, it's boring.

Darling, be careful, the picnic basket...

Oh! Look what you've made me do! It's all gone in the lake.

We're going to turn round and get another one.

-Oh, really Janet.

-Keep rowing.

'Session two...'

BARKS LIKE A DOG

You've done your shopping. You're at the bus stop.

There's a big queue.

Get past the lady with the pram, get past her.

You're at the doors. Get your bus pass. Where's your bus pass?

It's in the other pocket. Get it! Come on!

There it is! Now the bus is driving away.

Bang on the doors! Bang on the doors!

He's ignoring you! No, he's driven away. He's gone now.

You've got to wait for the next one.

'Have you got what it takes to come to Jim's Gym? Get real.'

Are you bored of exercising in the fresh air?

Tired of playing sports with your friends? Don't have any friends?

Then get fit with the Buttertendo Fitness Sports.

Oh, I have to put it down. It's heavy.

'The Buttertendo Fitness Sports has everything you need to get fit

'in the privacy of your own home and it's just so easy to use.'

I think you put the white wire into your television set.

Don't touch any of the other ones. I don't know what they do.

Before you begin to play, make sure you've attached the safety harness.

'Attach the hand controller and hand controller safety straps,

'attach the safety goggles,

'attach the safety game shoes,

'attach the safety game knee pad pads,

'attach the safety neck game brace and then you're ready to play,

'once you put on your safety helmet and visor,

'and now you're ready to play.

'Once you've selected your Brian, and now you're ready to play.

'Games like Referee.'

Penalty!

'You have been sacked for making too many wrong decisions.'

Aw!

'Golf caddy.

'Your player is on the green, which club are you going to select?'

Erm, I think the driver.

'You have been sacked for selecting the wrong club.

'And the sequel to Referee, Referee 2nd Half.'

Red card!

'You have shown a red card to yourself and have been sacked.'

All of this can be yours for just £50

with nine slightly used AA batteries included.

It's the Buttertendo Fitness Sports console.

Play it now!

By jumping 29 buses, a stunt motorcyclist has broken

the world record, his collar bone, two legs and an arm.

And now this.

I'm back here with head coach of premiership team Tolchester United

after their 10-0 drubbing by Liverpool in last weekend's game.

So, Walter, who's to blame for this disaster?

Well, as you know, football's a team sport,

it isn't about blaming individuals.

But it's all our goalkeeper's fault.

-Quidsy doesn't seem to be the player he was.

-You ain't kidding.

Since he married that X Factor judge,

he's been spending money like water.

You any good in goal?

Back to the studio.

Ice cream cone, please.

Actually we won't, thank you.

-Don't you care about my health at all?

-What? Yes I do.

That's why mother and I don't want you stuffing your face with junk.

-Ice creams aren't junk.

-It's not exactly good for you.

What about all the vitamin C that's in them?

Not enough vitamin C, you can get scurvy.

Do you want me to get scurvy?

No, but there's lots of other stuff in ice creams too.

Yeah, there's vitamin A too, which is great for your skin and your eyes.

One ice cream is 11% of my recommended daily allowance.

If I had nine ice creams, I'd have all the vitamin A I need.

-We'll start with one.

-So I can have one?

No, they're full of fat. You can't deny that.

Of course they're full of fat, they're made from milk.

It's basically cold calcium, which is great for your teeth and bones.

If you don't have enough calcium you can get very ill from hypocalcaemia.

Do you want me to get hypocalcaemia? Is that what you want?

-One ice cream cone, please.

-With raspberry topping.

That's one of my five a day.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

It's your mum.

Don't worry. No, we're having something nice and healthy.

We're having ice cream.

RAPID CHATTERING FROM PHONE

No, it's got A and B and calcium.

Yeah, quite. OK, right away. Nancy.

I don't have time to cook. I'm too busy watching cookery shows on TV.

Before you start cooking, make sure you've picked your nose clean

and you've licked all the crumbs off the worktop.

My top tip for preparing this beautiful lasagne

is to always read the microwave instructions on the packet.

Ah, delicious!

Welcome to the Grand Union Canal, Uxbridge,

where some of Europe's finest fishermen are gathered

for the prestigious King of the Canals Championship.

And there's the English champion Dennis Turner.

He's been on good form this season, hasn't he, Ron?

He has indeed. It looks like he's caught another one.

Well done, Dennis. It's a shopping trolley. It's an absolute beauty.

Aye. That's got to weigh all of about, I don't know, three kilos?

It's not often you see a trolley that size this far up the canal, is it?

Not since the local cash and carry started charging £1 for theirs.

And it's a beautiful morning. It's all building up there for Dennis.

-That's right.

-Why don't we have a look?

On top of the trolley, he's already got an old pram, a tyre,

a big traffic cone, and he managed to snag a hazard light as well.

He's settling back in there.

He's building up a lovely rhythm out here on the canal today.

The Spanish champion is going to have to pull his finger out.

Oh, I tell you what, I think he's got a bite.

Oh, oh, it's big! This could put him back in it!

We could be looking at a bike, an oil drum, who knows?

Oh, it's a fish.

Oh, this boy can't do anything right.

You hate to see that.

Quality canal fishing messed up by the fish getting in the way.

Disappointing for the lad.

Well, if he wants to get back into this,

he'll have to pull out something special like a motorbike.

# I am a new model

# I am a new model

# The new model! #

After a hard day at a photo shoot, our up-and-coming models relax

with some friends whose careers are very different.

Oh, I needed that.

-Tough day at work?

-Yeah, well, it's Year Nine exams at the moment

so I had 120 exam papers to mark.

At lunchtime I was on duty, again,

so I had to split up a fight between two young lads.

After school, I was dragged into a staff meeting

where I had to stand up for a girl who's just been suspended.

OK.

Well, the ward was quite quiet so I've had a very good day.

Nobody died and one of my favourite patients,

who I've been looking after for a few weeks, was given the all clear

and was able to go home.

-Oh, how lovely!

-Yeah, it makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?

Well, I had a right day of it too.

-First, I had to have my eyelashes curled.

-No!

Then I had to have liquid AND powder blusher applied.

Then later on I was told that this cardigan I was wearing

-was a size too small so I had to try on a different one.

-No!

Honestly!

-You should fire your agent.

-I know.

I wore a dress really well today.

-It makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?

-I know!

OK, you've dragged it out of me.

I actually had kind of an amazing day myself.

Er, I saw a poster of myself on the side of a bus stop

and I looked dynamite, sure.

And I was just thinking that like, you know, it's so great

because like normal people, you know, can look at that

and get, like, a little bit of hope back in their lives.

You are all heart, Delon.

# The New Model. #

Sorry, are we in the way?

Sorry, Miss, I can't do long jump today. I've got a throat infection

and I have to stay inside whilst I'm on tablets.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either.

Greg Wallis just text me and it made my hip go a bit funny.

For 30 years, top chef Jean-Paul Scoffier

has inspired the world with his cooking.

Now, at last, he shares some of his kitchen secrets.

This week, low fat cooking.

Et bien. Le cooking low fat.

This is a pretty hors d'oeuvres that is absolutment Arc de Triumph.

Maintenant, bienvenue au Calais.

We put the D'Artagnan into the little Eiffel Tower, comme ca.

Ho, he, ho, he, ho!

Now for the va va voom,

et une petit petit peu, frous, frous

until it is Moulin Rouge.

Mmm, Sarkozy!

Is this your minky?

If you do not have the butter, je ne sais pas, let patris va comme ca.

Et le Gerard Depardieu until it is nomme de plume.

Et the finishing touch for the cooking low fat,

au revoir et viola, the cooking low fat.

How you say in English? Lovely-jubbly.

180!

APPLAUSE

Always add a little bit of salt to the water

when you're making lightly salted water.

Never prepare chillies and then rub your eyes.

Oh! ARGH! I've done it again.

Here's a tip for you.

Before you go to bed, put some bread on your radiator

and when you wake up, instant toast.

Living the dream!

Mikaelson of Sweden here on his second attempt at the long jump.

Hits the board a bit flat. Yes, the official's noticed that.

Not really a jump, more of a walk.

And lands at 2 metres 30.

Would be a personal best at jumping, but not at walking,

that stands at 3.10m

Now it's the turn of Godogo of Kenya.

None of the smiles we saw in Helsinki

or on the bouncy castle yesterday.

Hits the board, stops, lovely, and jumps.

CHEERING

That looks like... Yes, a new personal best, 14.8cm.

Hard to beat, especially if nobody else jumps.

Which only leaves Chile's Manual Aliete.

His first two jumps were disappointing,

affected by the wind.

But, yes, he's going off to be burped,

so expect great things when he gets back.

Yes!

Come on!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Ow!

So, welcome, class.

We're just going to do a quick breathing exercise before we start.

And breathe in.

Use your whole abdomen, and breathe out.

And relax, good.

Now let's lay out those yoga mats.

Flatten out one end,

and then turn around and try and flatten out the other.

Now back to the first end.

Come on!

COME ON!

And the other end again.

THEY ALL GRUMBLE

OK, you guys are carrying a lot of stress.

..rolling out!

Have you ever thought of doing yoga?

We all love gymnastics, but if you've just had a fried breakfast

then they can be a bit of a faff.

So here's a simple way to do a handstand on a full stomach.

Simply take the camera you're being filmed on, turn it upside down,

put your hands in the air like this,

zoom in so you can't see the ground and, hey presto!

The perfect handstand, and no chance of me barfing up an egg.

And that's how to cheat at gymnastics.

There now follows a short appeal from the Sports Injury Trust.

I'm here with Bob.

Bob is cursed with a terrible affliction.

BOB SNEEZES

Yes, Bob suffers from DWIBBS.

Digits Wedged In Bowling Ball Syndrome.

Tell us how you contracted DWIBBS.

It was about two years ago. It was my turn to bowl.

I picked up what I thought was my ball,

but it turned out it was a different one,

same colour, but smaller finger holes.

Once they were in, I couldn't get them out.

The staff tried to help but there was nothing they could do.

When they realised it was stuck, the staff got angry

and charged me for the ball.

That was two years ago. It's been stuck ever since.

Going to the toilet is a nightmare.

Amazingly, despite Paul's tragic affliction,

he still regularly visits his local bowling alley.

-Why do you keep coming back?

-It's the only place where people don't laugh.

They just think I'm carrying it.

Don't they notice you're not playing?

I still play! I just use my left hand. Watch.

Bob is now the only person in Britain to suffer from

a case of Double DWIBBS. He needs your help.

He needs you to dig deep inside your pockets because he can't.

Just £1.79 could buy someone like Bob washing-up liquid

to make his fingers slippy enough to get the ball off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd