Episode 4 Gigglebiz


Episode 4

Sketch show. Featuring Keith Fit, fitness pundit, who demonstrates how to go canoeing with predictable results, and Simon Pieman, the roller-skating pie delivery boy.


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Transcript


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It's Gigglebiz!

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# Na-na na-na na-na Gigglebiz

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# Na-na na-na Ho-ho-ho

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# Na-na na-na na-na Gigglebiz

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# Na-na na-na Here we go! #

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Ho-ho!

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On today's Gigglebiz,

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the Berito Brothers,

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Farmer Dung,

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Dina Lady,

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Opera Oliver,

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and now, it's time for Ann Teak.

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Hmm.

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I'm afraid this is a reproduction,

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probably plastic,

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and totally worthless.

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-SMASH

-Hi, Mum.

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Oh, now, this, however, is very rare,

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and perfectly preserved.

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-What is?

-This!

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This is my daughter.

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Oh, no, no, no! This is a Celtic warrior,

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painted for battle. Has it been in the family long?

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-About eight years.

-Mum, is it time for dinner yet?

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And it speaks, too!

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How remarkable!

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Sadly, nobody knows what the Celtic language means any more.

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-Do you speak English?

-Yes.

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No, I haven't got a clue what it said.

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Right, let's go.

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No, no, wait! You can't! It's far too valuable!

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It belongs in a museum!

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What's on the menu today? Let's find out with Opera Oliver.

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APPLAUSE

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# I'm Opera Oliver

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# Opera Oliver! #

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-# I love-a my pasta

-Where's our food?

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-# Adore my cheese

-Here it comes

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# And the thought of spaghetti makes me rather sweaty

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-# And weak at the knees!

-Urgh!

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# I long for cannelloni

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# And worship my ragu

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# We do, too!

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# And nothing is sweeter Makes me more completer

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# Than tiramisu

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# We're getting indigestion

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# How long must we wait?

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-# May I offer a suggestion?

-Yes!

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# Just serve it on my plate, mate

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# But I love to serve you

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-# Bring-a you food and wine

-It's coming now

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# Unfortunately that is not going to be... #

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Eh?

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# Cos now it's closing time! Goodbye! #

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THEY MURMUR UNHAPPILY

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APPLAUSE

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Ha'way, bairns.

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Keith Fit here, and today we're going to do a spot of kayaking.

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Now, kayaking is a bit like canoeing,

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but instead of a canoe, I'm using a kayak today.

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Now, I've been kayaking for over 20 years,

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so I know what I'm talking about.

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I'm going to grab the oar, and let's get going.

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The trickiest thing about kayaking

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is actually getting in the boat itself.

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But I've been doing this for 20 years,

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so I know what I'm talking about. All right, steady.

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Looking good. OK.

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And then all you do is push off the jetty.

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Now...don't try...

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And that's how you kayak!

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Champion!

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Tone! Tone, chuck us the boat!

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Now it's time for your giggles.

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-Hey, Justin.

-Hey, Sam. Got a joke?

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-Yeah.

-Go on, then.

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Why did the wheel go to sleep?

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I don't know. Why did the wheel go to sleep?

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-Because it was TYRED.

-Oh, no!

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LAUGHTER

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So the next time I ask for dough,

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I don't want a female deer brought to me.

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Oh, dear. Silly boy.

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Oh! Hello there, my little cinnamon sticks,

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and welcome to Dinner Time with me, Dina Lady.

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And this is my assistant, Tommy Tummy.

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Say hello, Tommy.

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Hello, Tommy.

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Now, today, we're going to have a go at making some soap.

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Now, you can put all kinds of things into soap,

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like lentils...

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..and, er, vegetables.

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Ooh! And of course, chicken.

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But to turn it into soap,

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we need some of my special soap mixture.

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I'll just go and get some. Back in a bubble, trouble.

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It's OK. It sounds like she's saying "soap," like these,

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a bar of soap, or some washing-up soap.

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But that's just the way that she says "soup."

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Like when she says "spenge," she actually means "sponge."

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Oh, dear, Tommy. I can't find my soap mixture anywhere.

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Oh, look, there it is.

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Lovely.

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Right, in it goes.

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There.

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Ah!

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Give it a little stir.

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What was that about the spenge?

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Oh! Lovely!

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That can go in, too.

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Right, then.

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SHE SNIFFS Oh! Lovely fresh ingredients!

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We'll give it a lovely big stir now.

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Definitely, definitely, do not try this at home.

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SHE SNIFFS

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Ah! Delicious soap, easy as pie.

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Till next time, my little Cheddar cheeses.

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Would you like to try some, Tommy?

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At least you won't have to wash up.

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HE BLOWS

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That's right, Reg. Bit more food there.

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Hello, Farmer Dung.

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Oh, hello there. All right?

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What animals have you got on the farm today?

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Well, over there I've got my old chickens.

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All right, my dears? There they are, laying eggs.

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Lovely. Do you have any other birds?

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Well, a duck. Reggie's got a duck.

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So Reggie keeps ducks, does he?

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No. Reggie, a duck!

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Erm, Reggie IS a duck?

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No, no, no! Reggie, duck!

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DUCK QUACKS

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Whoa! Ha-ha!

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HE LAUGHS

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I told him he had a duck, didn't I?

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Ha-ha! Reggie!

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Oh, my word! Duck!

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Thank you, Farmer Dung.

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Doctor Doctor will see you now. Next!

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Now, what seems to be the problem?

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Doctor Doctor, I keep dreaming there are monsters under my bed.

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What can I do?

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Take the legs off your bed!

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-Ah...

-Next!

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Keith Fit here again.

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Now, last time I got it a bit wrong.

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I had the kayak the wrong way round. Oh, silly me.

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OK, well, the kayak's now the right way round,

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so let's get in again and get down to business.

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OK. it's a bit tricky getting in,

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but don't worry, I've been doing this for over 20 years,

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so I know what I'm doing. OK. See that?

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Right champion here. OK.

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Now, what you do is you hold your oar and you row, like this. OK?

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And when you...

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Oh, no!

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I've got the boat.

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And that's how you... You kayak.

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Champion! Whoa!

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DRUM ROLL

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Hey!

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APPLAUSE

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Hey!

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Hey!

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Hey!

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Hey!

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APPLAUSE

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Over!

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-Hey!

-Hey!

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Hello, there. I'm Arthur Sleep, and here's the news.

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Celebrity chef Gordon McDougall has announced

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he's invented a new Scottish pudding.

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It's called apple TARTAN.

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He-he, get it? TARTAN!

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That's a cracker, that is. Now we go over to Gail Force,

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looking bonny as ever, somewhere in Scotland. What have you got?

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Yes, thank you, Arthur. Now, I'm here in bonny...

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HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

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Sorry, Gail, I didn't quite catch that. Where are you?

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Well, I'm here in bonny...

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HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

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Sorry, Gail, I really can't hear you over the bagpipes.

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You'll have to shout.

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SHOUTS: I'm in Scotland!

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Hi, there, wee lassie. What's all the shouting about?

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Oh! I said I'm in Scotland...

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HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

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SHOUTS: Hang on, Arthur!

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AIR RUSHES OUT OF BAGPIPES

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Ah, that's better. And that's the news from bonny Scotland.

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Oh, dear. Well, that was a bit of a LET-DOWN.

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LET-DOWN! The old pipes!

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LET-DOWN! I'm too good for this show.

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Hello? Yes, I'm available.

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And now this.

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Now for more of your giggles.

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-Hi, Justin.

-Hi, Ariel. Have you got a joke?

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Yes. What goes, "Ha-ha, bonk?"

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Oh, I don't know. What does go "Ha-ha, bonk?"

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Er, a man laughing his head off.

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Oh, no! A man laughing his head off!

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LAUGHTER

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HIS TUMMY RUMBLES

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BUTTONS ON PHONE BLEEP

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PHONE RINGS

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Simon Pieman, at your service.

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Need a pie?

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Gotta fly!

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Right! Here we go!

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Whoa!

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Whoa! Whoa!

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Aaah! Ha-hey!

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Aiii! Coming through!

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Aaah! Whoa!

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Whoa! Whoa!

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Whoa! Whoa!

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Watch out!

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Wa-ha-hey! Whoa! Coming through!

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Whoa! Whoa!

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Whoa! Whoa! Aaah!

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Ah! Da-da-da-da!

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One perfect p...

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SQUELCH

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..pie!

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HE SIGHS

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Doctor Doctor will see you now. Next!

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Now, how can I help you?

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-Doctor Doctor, I keep seeing double.

-Please, sit on the couch.

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-Which one?

-D'aii! Next!

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Oh, hello. Nice to see you.

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Have a little seat. Give yourself a rest.

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Lovely to be out walking, isn't it?

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Mind you, of course, I've got to sit here while he fishes.

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Bob!

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I don't know why he bothers, really. He never catches anything.

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Nothing at all. Still, it makes him happy,

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and that's what it's all about.

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He's out in the open, the fresh air,

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not getting into trouble or mischief.

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Mind you, he's never caught so much as a stickleback.

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Still, it's nice to be out in the fresh air.

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Bracing, don't you think?

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Yeah. All you can hear is the sound of the water lapping

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and the wind.

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I mean, nothing very much out of the ordinary

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ever happens round here.

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Like I say, he never catches anything. Do you, love?

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Bless.

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You wouldn't mind holding that, would you, young man?

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Oh, thank you. You're a good boy.

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# Gigglebiz, Gigglebiz We've had a lot of fun

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# Gigglebiz, Gigglebiz Ho-ho-ho

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# Gigglebiz, Gigglebiz And now it's time to go

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# Gigglebiz, giggle It's time to go!

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# Cheerio, ta-ta Bye-bye

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# Farewell, TTFN Arrivederci

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# We all hate to say goodbye

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# But we'll be back again

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# Na-na na-na na-na Gigglebiz

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# Na-na na-na Ho-ho-ho

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# Na-na na-na na-na Gigglebiz

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# Na-na na It's time to go

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# Gigglebiz, Gigglebiz We've had a lot of fun

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# Gigglebiz, Gigglebiz Ho-ho-ho

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# Gigglebiz, Gigglebiz And now it's time to go

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# Gigglebiz, giggle It's time to go! #

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Featuring Keith Fit, fitness pundit, who demonstrates how to go canoeing with predictable results, Simon Pieman, the roller-skating pie delivery boy, and Opera Oliver, the singing waiter, who laments the lack of customers in song. Also with the Berito Brothers - the acrobats who put new meaning into the phrase 'hanging around'. There are also quick-fire giggles from Doctor Doctor. Including the Gigglekids, children from all round the country who tell Justin their favourite jokes.


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