Anton Du Beke Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you

# So hard, makes me say, oh my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly but not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't eat too much

# This is the show you can't touch

-#

-Stop!

-Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Hello! I'm Hacker, and this is Hacker Time.

It's a right good show, you know.

Coming up, we've got this,

this,

and these.

It's going to be a great show.

Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Huh!

Herman!

-Herman!

-HERMAN SNORES

Why have you sped up the music?

Herman!

No-o-o!

Oh, budgies. That was supposed to be my big posh beginning bit.

Derek! Play the first tape!

Ooh, heck. Uh, running them!

I'm livid here. Ooh, me spinal column.

Ow!

So what have the boys got to do?

-Right, today, the boys...

-THEY LAUGH

Let them have a minute.

'This lot have all got the giggles! Look at them!'

THEY ALL LAUGH

It's his fault!

Ooh. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ho-ho-ho-ho.

MUSIC: "Smile" by The Supernaturals

Are you all right?

I can't believe I did that.

Ha-ha-ha, what a load of nonsense!

More hilarious LOLs like that later.

WALTZING MUSIC

Left-two-three, right two-three...

Wally, you've got two left feet when it comes to dancing, you heffalump!

Hacker! Your guest's here!

You're going to like this. It's today's guest!

Although he doesn't know it yet.

SCARY MUSIC

Ooh, sequinned shirt? Brilliant!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's very special guest,

Strictly Come Dancing's Anton Du Beke.

Special guest?

I'm here for the sequinned shirt sale.

-Hello, Anton!

-Oh, hello, young lady.

Lady? How dare you? I've got boy bits.

I'm sorry. Are you running the sequinned shirt sale?

Because I could do with a few new spangly numbers.

I was thinking maybe something purple or orange.

Look, Anthony, I'm not going to lie to you.

There are no sequinned shirts.

No sequinned shirts?

It's all been a clever and elaborate ruse to get you here.

Lock the doors, Derek!

I'm Hacker the dog, and you're going to be today's guest on my show.

-Your show? Will I... will I be on camera?

-Yeah.

Can I get to do some dancing?

-Oh, if you must.

-How about that?

Will you sit down, please.

Now, Anton,

I thought I'd give the viewers at home a chance to find out

if there's more to you than fancy dancing outfits.

So I made this fact file. Have a look. Push that red lever.

'Anton Du Beke is a dancer on Strictly Come Dancing.

'It's a show where he takes ladies who can't dance

'and teaches them how to dance a tiny weeny bit better.

'He always looks very graceful. Look!

'And here!

'And here...no, oh well.

'At least he's always well-dressed.

'What the budgies?

'Oh, it's Anton Du Beke.'

You wear some strange clobber, don't you?

I rather like it, actually.

It's hideous.

Now, Anton, you think you're pretty good at dancing, don't you?

Well, yes, I do think that, yes.

You've got a lot to learn, Mr Beak. I can make you even betterer.

You?

Yeah. Watch and learn, dear boy, watch and indeed learn.

Blue lever!

Welcome to the Betterer Arena!

Today I'll show you how to become the bettererest dancer

in a few simple steps.

Step one is simple. To dance, you have to look cool.

I'll just go and get ready.

Hello? Hello, dogface?

I'm here for the dancing.

Not dressed like that, you're not. Get out of it!

Oh, but it's silken.

Y'all right? Let's get this disco started.

-I'm the party animal and I'm ready to be let off the leash.

-Sorry, Gary.

The uncool party for uncool people is next door.

Is it? Right, I'll go there, then.

Yo!

Forget the sequins and the fake tan,

this is what makes me the ultimate dancer.

Hit it!

MUSIC: "Bob The Builder" theme

What are you doing with that?

This is not my music. Turn that off! It's not mine!

Stupid DJ! Right, so I look the part now.

It's time to get me a dream dance partner.

Yes, just waiting for my dancing partner to arrive...

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Crab-Fossay, can you move on, please?

I'm waiting for a dream dance partner.

-Why? I am your ultimate dance partner, little pup.

-What?

-But look at the state of you!

-Now, now. Let's dance. Hit it!

MUSIC PLAYS

Ow! Get off me! Fossay! Crab-Fossay!

-You're going to stand on me foot!

-CRUNCH

-Ah! Get off me!

-Oh, nonsense. Don't be such a softy.

-Come on, I'll swing you around a bit.

-No, you won't!

Ow, get off me!

No! Crab-Fossay!

CRASH

Whoopsie!

Right, step three. Let's go extreme.

Do not try this at home! I am a professional. Hit it!

Here we go, stand by.

Here's the back flip!

And now the legendary cartwheel.

And now, the extreme ice cube flip 4000!

CRASH

See that, Du Beke? I am a betterer dancer than you.

So you meant to hurt yourself there, did you?

Dear man, that was merely an expression of my inner anguish

through the power of dance and that.

I'm glad you're here, Anton, because I need to ask you about Len Goodman,

that judge man off Strictly Come Dancing.

Oh, yeah. Lenny.

He's a good judge, but he's not got a lot to say for himself, has he?

Oh, yes, he has.

Well, he's always on about the same stuff, in my experience.

Watch this, I'll give him a ring.

Hello? Hello, Len.

-Leonard, yeah, it's Hacker.

-Put it on speakerphone.

Hi Len, I just phoned for a little chat, you all right?

What time shall we meet for dinner tonight?

-Seven.

-Ooh. How many people are you bringing with you?

-Seven.

-Crikey, that's a lot.

-It is a lot.

How many courses are we eating?

-Seven.

-Oh, wowser!

-He must be hungry.

Yeah, he's starving. Hey, can you pick me up, Len?

Do you remember what number I live at?

-Seven.

-Yeah, that's right.

While we're here, I've got a few more questions for you.

What's your favourite number?

-Seven.

-What's half of 14?

-Seven.

-How many days are there in a week?

-Seven.

-What time was dinner again?

-Seven.

-Do you want me to bring Anton with me?

No.

PHONE GOES DEAD

He must have hung up.

-That's a bit...rude.

-Bit harsh that, wasn't it?

-Bit harsh.

Anyway, Anton, let's talk about you.

I want to find out more about dancing.

Do you want me to show you some of my brilliant ballroom moves?

Er, yeah, later. I've got some questions for you first.

-OK.

-What is your favourite dance to do? Mine is the macarena.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, oo-oo-ooh.

I think I'd like to join you in one of those, actually.

That was rather good.

You also do that Hole In The Wall show, don't you?

-Brilliant.

-What are your top three walls?

I like... I like a small wall at the end of the garden.

I like a blindfolded wall,

and I like a Perspex wall.

Odd.

Anton, do you weigh...an ton?

No.

Ha-ha, I like that. Now, how long have you... Oh, excuse me a minute.

How long have you been...

How long have you...

WILL YOU STOP IT, TIMMY?

Oh, Hacker, stop upsetting Anton with your stupid questions.

Hey, look at the new dance I learnt.

First you go that way, then you go that way, and then you...

Jump for your life! Yaah!

I'm not so sure about the last bit.

-Ow!

-Ah! Stop it! Oh, that's got it.

So how long have you been...

Um, oh, forgotten the question. Never mind, eh?

Let's do something else.

Shall we watch some people falling over dancing?

Or we could see some of my amazing dancing moves.

Later, Anthony, I've told you that. Now press that thing!

MUSIC: "Better The Devil You Know" by Kylie Minogue

'Nice dance routine here, yeah. All looking good.'

-SMACK

-'Oh! Right in the thumbsquadge.'

PIANO MUSIC

'Very graceful, very elegant.

'Oi! Watch it, love!

'Ooh, what a good dancer he is, ain't he, in his skates there.

'Ooh, look!'

MUSIC: "Hot Hot Hot" by Arrow

'Oh, Strictly Come Dancing. They never go wrong on this. Never.

'Hang on a minute, what's going on here?

'Oh, his microphone's gone adrift.

Hold on, just a minute. Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold it.

I'm so sorry!

-Can we have another go? Please can we have another go?

-The microphone...

Please, please, please!

The microphone came off.

OK, get the microphone in the right place or get rid of the damn thing.

Who's this? Who are you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK!

Let us know when you're ready, my darlings. Don't worry.

When something happens like that, that's show business.

What a load of Charlies.

Right, Du Beke,

I have some more questions for you.

-Fire away.

-And take them seriously! This is the proper educational bit.

Lights, please, Herman!

Y'awroight, Hacker.

Bust your ultimate dance move.

-I've got this one for you. Ready?

-Yeah.

Needs a bit of work. Right, sit down.

Right, what score would you give this dance move?

Very excitable!

-I'd give you...two!

-Oh, I'll take that, that's all right.

And who would you most like to have your last dance with?

Oh...

It's got to be the lovely Tess Daly.

Ah, Tess Daly from Strictly.

HOOTER BLOWS

Well, that's what you think, Anton.

But take a look at what me and some real people got up to the other day

when we talked dance.

Hit the old switcheroo.

-Hello!

-Hi.

-Who would you most like to dance with?

-You.

-Me?

We can make that happen for you.

Grab my hand, since we're dancing. Ready?

Ah-ah-ee, ooh-ah-ah-ah...

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Who would you most like to dance with?

-My brother.

-Your brother, is he a good dancer?

-Not really.

-I'm a good dancer, ain't I?

-Yeah, you're quite good, aren't you?

-Like that.

-Yeah, perfect.

-And who would you most like to dance with?

-Beyonce.

-Justin Bieber.

-Justin Timberlake.

-Diversity.

-Madonna.

-Beyonce.

-Dodge.

-Dodge?

My brother Dodge? Why do you want to dance with him and not me?

-Because he's more funky.

-He's got nothing on me!

This lot know a lot about dancing,

so I'm going to show them my best dance move,

and these three are going to judge me using their fabulous scorecards.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

Right, I'm going to dance for you now.

Yeah!

-One.

-One? That's rubbish, why one? Was I no good?

-No.

-But I've been practising that dance since the day I was born.

-A one.

-One? How come a measly one?

-Cos you're just all over the place.

-Five.

-Five? Why?

Because it was all over the place and it was crazy.

I am classically trained. I won't stand for this nonsense!

-Number ten.

-A ten? Oh, why a ten?

Because you were just so fast and good.

Yes, I was, so if you add them all up...ten plus one...

That is 100! I get 100 points! Huzzah!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Would you stand up, please, and bust your best dance move?

-OK.

MUSIC PLAYS

Very good.

Got dandruff?

That's very good. What do you call that dance move?

-I don't know its name.

-The Windscreen Wipers, I call that.

There we have it. We've learned lots of great dance moves.

Some of them I'll put into practice next time I go to the discotheque.

Thank you.

Wasn't that a LOL?

ANTON CHUCKLES

Right, Mr Anthony Du Beak, you are a dancer on Strictly Come Dancing.

Have there ever been

any of the celebrity dancing people that you didn't like?

Of course they were all lovely people.

Kara Tointon and Matt Baker and lovely Ann Widdecombe.

They're all so nice.

Likes the sound of his own voice, that one.

Look at that! A button.

Oh, do not push? Spoils all my fun.

Doesn't say do not press, though.

Pressing is different to pushing. Give it an innocent press.

Ha!

BOOM!

SIRENS WAIL

Oh, that's not ideal, is it?

-I couldn't bear him. Explosive stuff, eh?

-I didn't explode anything!

It wasn't me. I've been sat here all along. You can't prove anything!

-Prove what?

-The building that just exploded. I didn't push the button.

Um, nothing. Not a thing, no.

-What a strange creature you are.

-Oh, thank you.

-I've got some good news for you.

-Is it time for my dancing?

-In a minute, Anthony. Warm up or something.

-I'll just...

Mind your hamstring or whatever it is.

The good news is the show's not over yet. Derek, run the menu.

Oh, yeah.

Still to come today - this,

this,

and this... Who's he? He's not in it!

Quick, Derek, play some Howlers.

Hey, look at them dancing.

Strictly fell down, eh?

Ha ha! What's he doing?

Oh, no.

Oops. Look.

Ha ha.

Oh, she slipped.

It's not nice.

Oh, madam.

Ooh!

No, he's fine.

Ha ha. She fell down.

Play that guitar.

Look at 'em showing off.

Ha ha.

Oh, damage to the staging!

Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching Hacker Time.

Now, performing his big dance number,

will Anton du Beke please take to the floor?

-You could have got me one that fitted!

-Ha ha!

Hit it!

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

Is that it, du Beke? Out the way, move out.

Hit it!

# If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe

# I'd be married long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from... #

-That's rubbish.

-What?

-Hit it!

LIFT MUSIC PLAYS

Right, get out of it. I'm the dancer round here. Hit it!

# If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe

# I'd be married long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where... #

-Take a hike, dog breath.

-Cheeky.

Hit it!

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

Stop showing off and move on. I'll show you. Hit it!

# If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe

# I'd be married long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? #

Exhausted! I don't know if I can keep this up...

CRASH!

Is that it?

Aye, that's proper good dancing.

That was rubbish.

-Even my pet ferret can dance better than that.

-Have very dare you?

Derek, bring on the wall.

HE CHUCKLES

What a nonsense.

While he sorts himself out, here's some glamorous posh stuff to watch.

There's not enough dogs on telly - don't you agree, Anton?

What ever you say, Hacker.

Good, he agrees.

Me and Dodge have made our own doggy TV show. Wey-hey! Have a look.

It's called Downstairs Abbey. It's right good.

'I, Dogtina, am in love, and even though I'm just a little maid,

'I'm in love with a lord - my master, Lord Percy.'

-DOGTINA SIGHS

-Lord Percy!

Dogtina, you can't be in love with Lord Percy. I love him.

I'm the one who cuts his toenails.

I cut them too. I've kept some in a jar.

That is weird.

BELL RINGS

-Oh, Lord Percy, Lord Percy. I'll go.

-No, I'll go.

Stop it!

Ah, girls. I've got some exciting news.

I'm going to throw a big party

and I shall invite the lovely Lady Sarah.

-Ooh, a party.

-I've got nothing to wear.

No, you won't be coming. But you will be doing all the work.

I need you to write the invitations,

send invitations, tidy up, mop, dust, buy party food,

cook party food, buy decorations, choose music

and then prepare party games.

Let's go and get a milky brew.

< Where have you gone?!

What about the party?

There isn't going to be a party! Ha ha ha!

-COUGHS

-Hold on.

-So, Lord Percy, who is here?

-Why, Lady Sarah,

I have invited dozens of the finest people from all over the county.

Behold!

Y'all right?

What? Where is everyone? Who are you?

-I'm just a humble penniless tramp.

-I didn't invite you.

I heard there was a party, so I came in off the street.

Where are those vol-au-vents?

-Get out.

-Charming.

HACKERELLA! DOGTINA!

Where is everyone? This is a disaster.

At least Lady Sarah is still here.

-I'm going, Lord Percy.

-What?

I've fallen for the musky charm of this handsome gentleman.

-We plan to elope together.

-Yeah, what she said. Ta ra!

Lady Sarah!

Oh, she's gone. Cruel, fickle woman.

Why can't I find someone sensible?

Sensible like you, Hackerella.

In fact, Hackerella, do you...?

Do I...?

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Do you...know anyone? There's no-one round here.

Oh, budgies.

Oh, what brilliant acting I did then.

-Brilliant.

-Thanks for being on my show.

You've done well for yourself.

Thanks. I had a lovely time, apart from that nasty wall incident.

We'll just skim over that.

Time to see if the judges thought you were a good guest.

Your scores for Anton du Beak.

-Du Beke.

-Bless you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the judges' scores. Craig Revel Horwood.

2!

CROWD GROANS

I'll see to this. Come here, Revel Horwood.

You're a disgrace, Revel Horwood.

Ooh!

Don't get any ideas - there's more where that came from.

And tidy up round here! It's a pigsty.

You won't have a problem now. Judges, have another go.

Craig Revel Horwood.

10!

CROWD CHEERS

Yeah! Thanks, Hacker.

Let's see how that puts you on my guest leader board.

Oh, look, you're at the top. Well done, Anton.

The door's over there. Goodbye.

-Is that it, then?

-Yep, that's about enough of you. See you.

-Oh, I'll... Exit music. OK.

-Derek, unlock the doors.

-Bye, then.

-Off you pop.

-Bye.

-Mind your head.

-Bye.

-And shut the door. It's freezing in here.

-Bye.

-Thank you.

I thought he was never going to go.

Right, it's time now for some of my favourite LOLs from round the world.

It's Hacker's Top 5 Dancing Howlers!

At 5, this dog is nearly as good at dancing as me - look.

# Too cold

# Ice, ice, baby

# Too cold

# Ice, ice, baby. #

Ha ha. What a mover. He's not as good as this, though.

# Too cold

# Ice, ice, baby. #

At 4, these musical pop-star types are larking about on treadmills.

Look.

MUSIC: "Here It Goes" by OK Go

They'll get fit if they keep that up.

In at 3, in't breakdancing impressive?

Well, it's even more betterer when it's done by fingers. Look.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Ha ha. Look. He's got shoes on his fingers!

I normally think weddings are dead boring and grown-up,

but look at what they got up to at the reception.

# Butterfly kisses at night... #

RECORD SCRATCHES

You might be missing some of the benefits of stereo.

# YMCA

# It's fun to stay at the YMCA

# They have everything for young men to enjoy

# You can hang out with all the boys. #

Well done, sir. You were marvellous.

And at 1, dancing is good, trombones are good,

but look what happens when you put them both together.

What's he like?

That's all I've got time for today.

CBBC probably want to put another episode of Tracy Beaker on.

Thanks to that dancing mad man Anton du Beke for coming in.

We've just got time for my brilliant song.

Ba-ba, da-da!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

# Thanks to my special guest The dancer, Anton du Beke

# He's quite good at dancing and that

# But everyone knows that I'm the best

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Thank you!