Anton Du Beke Hacker Time


Anton Du Beke

Hacker T Dog has somehow managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker tricks Anton Du Beke into being his studio guest and challenges the Strictly star to a dance-off.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this!

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you

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# So hard, makes me say, oh my word

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# Thank you for watching me

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# It's telly but not what you normally see

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# It feels good There's out-takes too

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# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

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# So sit back, don't eat too much

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# This is the show you can't touch

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-#

-Stop!

-Hacker time! #

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Thank you.

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Hello! I'm Hacker, and this is Hacker Time.

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It's a right good show, you know.

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Coming up, we've got this,

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this,

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and these.

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It's going to be a great show.

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Nothing can possibly go wrong.

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Huh!

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Herman!

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-Herman!

-HERMAN SNORES

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Why have you sped up the music?

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Herman!

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No-o-o!

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Oh, budgies. That was supposed to be my big posh beginning bit.

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Derek! Play the first tape!

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Ooh, heck. Uh, running them!

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I'm livid here. Ooh, me spinal column.

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Ow!

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So what have the boys got to do?

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-Right, today, the boys...

-THEY LAUGH

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Let them have a minute.

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'This lot have all got the giggles! Look at them!'

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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It's his fault!

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Ooh. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ho-ho-ho-ho.

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MUSIC: "Smile" by The Supernaturals

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Are you all right?

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I can't believe I did that.

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Ha-ha-ha, what a load of nonsense!

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More hilarious LOLs like that later.

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WALTZING MUSIC

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Left-two-three, right two-three...

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Wally, you've got two left feet when it comes to dancing, you heffalump!

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Hacker! Your guest's here!

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You're going to like this. It's today's guest!

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Although he doesn't know it yet.

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SCARY MUSIC

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Ooh, sequinned shirt? Brilliant!

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's very special guest,

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Strictly Come Dancing's Anton Du Beke.

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Special guest?

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I'm here for the sequinned shirt sale.

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-Hello, Anton!

-Oh, hello, young lady.

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Lady? How dare you? I've got boy bits.

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I'm sorry. Are you running the sequinned shirt sale?

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Because I could do with a few new spangly numbers.

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I was thinking maybe something purple or orange.

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Look, Anthony, I'm not going to lie to you.

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There are no sequinned shirts.

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No sequinned shirts?

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It's all been a clever and elaborate ruse to get you here.

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Lock the doors, Derek!

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I'm Hacker the dog, and you're going to be today's guest on my show.

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-Your show? Will I... will I be on camera?

-Yeah.

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Can I get to do some dancing?

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-Oh, if you must.

-How about that?

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Will you sit down, please.

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Now, Anton,

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I thought I'd give the viewers at home a chance to find out

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if there's more to you than fancy dancing outfits.

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So I made this fact file. Have a look. Push that red lever.

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'Anton Du Beke is a dancer on Strictly Come Dancing.

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'It's a show where he takes ladies who can't dance

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'and teaches them how to dance a tiny weeny bit better.

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'He always looks very graceful. Look!

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'And here!

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'And here...no, oh well.

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'At least he's always well-dressed.

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'What the budgies?

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'Oh, it's Anton Du Beke.'

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You wear some strange clobber, don't you?

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I rather like it, actually.

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It's hideous.

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Now, Anton, you think you're pretty good at dancing, don't you?

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Well, yes, I do think that, yes.

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You've got a lot to learn, Mr Beak. I can make you even betterer.

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You?

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Yeah. Watch and learn, dear boy, watch and indeed learn.

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Blue lever!

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Welcome to the Betterer Arena!

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Today I'll show you how to become the bettererest dancer

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in a few simple steps.

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Step one is simple. To dance, you have to look cool.

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I'll just go and get ready.

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Hello? Hello, dogface?

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I'm here for the dancing.

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Not dressed like that, you're not. Get out of it!

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Oh, but it's silken.

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Y'all right? Let's get this disco started.

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-I'm the party animal and I'm ready to be let off the leash.

-Sorry, Gary.

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The uncool party for uncool people is next door.

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Is it? Right, I'll go there, then.

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Yo!

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Forget the sequins and the fake tan,

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this is what makes me the ultimate dancer.

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Hit it!

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MUSIC: "Bob The Builder" theme

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What are you doing with that?

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This is not my music. Turn that off! It's not mine!

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Stupid DJ! Right, so I look the part now.

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It's time to get me a dream dance partner.

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Yes, just waiting for my dancing partner to arrive...

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Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Crab-Fossay, can you move on, please?

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I'm waiting for a dream dance partner.

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-Why? I am your ultimate dance partner, little pup.

-What?

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-But look at the state of you!

-Now, now. Let's dance. Hit it!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Ow! Get off me! Fossay! Crab-Fossay!

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-You're going to stand on me foot!

-CRUNCH

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-Ah! Get off me!

-Oh, nonsense. Don't be such a softy.

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-Come on, I'll swing you around a bit.

-No, you won't!

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Ow, get off me!

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No! Crab-Fossay!

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CRASH

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Whoopsie!

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Right, step three. Let's go extreme.

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Do not try this at home! I am a professional. Hit it!

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Here we go, stand by.

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Here's the back flip!

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And now the legendary cartwheel.

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And now, the extreme ice cube flip 4000!

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CRASH

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See that, Du Beke? I am a betterer dancer than you.

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So you meant to hurt yourself there, did you?

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Dear man, that was merely an expression of my inner anguish

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through the power of dance and that.

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I'm glad you're here, Anton, because I need to ask you about Len Goodman,

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that judge man off Strictly Come Dancing.

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Oh, yeah. Lenny.

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He's a good judge, but he's not got a lot to say for himself, has he?

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Oh, yes, he has.

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Well, he's always on about the same stuff, in my experience.

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Watch this, I'll give him a ring.

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Hello? Hello, Len.

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-Leonard, yeah, it's Hacker.

-Put it on speakerphone.

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Hi Len, I just phoned for a little chat, you all right?

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What time shall we meet for dinner tonight?

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-Seven.

-Ooh. How many people are you bringing with you?

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-Seven.

-Crikey, that's a lot.

-It is a lot.

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How many courses are we eating?

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-Seven.

-Oh, wowser!

-He must be hungry.

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Yeah, he's starving. Hey, can you pick me up, Len?

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Do you remember what number I live at?

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-Seven.

-Yeah, that's right.

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While we're here, I've got a few more questions for you.

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What's your favourite number?

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-Seven.

-What's half of 14?

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-Seven.

-How many days are there in a week?

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-Seven.

-What time was dinner again?

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-Seven.

-Do you want me to bring Anton with me?

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No.

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PHONE GOES DEAD

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He must have hung up.

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-That's a bit...rude.

-Bit harsh that, wasn't it?

-Bit harsh.

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Anyway, Anton, let's talk about you.

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I want to find out more about dancing.

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Do you want me to show you some of my brilliant ballroom moves?

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Er, yeah, later. I've got some questions for you first.

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-OK.

-What is your favourite dance to do? Mine is the macarena.

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Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, oo-oo-ooh.

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I think I'd like to join you in one of those, actually.

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That was rather good.

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You also do that Hole In The Wall show, don't you?

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-Brilliant.

-What are your top three walls?

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I like... I like a small wall at the end of the garden.

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I like a blindfolded wall,

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and I like a Perspex wall.

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Odd.

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Anton, do you weigh...an ton?

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No.

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Ha-ha, I like that. Now, how long have you... Oh, excuse me a minute.

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How long have you been...

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How long have you...

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WILL YOU STOP IT, TIMMY?

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Oh, Hacker, stop upsetting Anton with your stupid questions.

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Hey, look at the new dance I learnt.

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First you go that way, then you go that way, and then you...

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Jump for your life! Yaah!

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I'm not so sure about the last bit.

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-Ow!

-Ah! Stop it! Oh, that's got it.

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So how long have you been...

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Um, oh, forgotten the question. Never mind, eh?

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Let's do something else.

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Shall we watch some people falling over dancing?

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Or we could see some of my amazing dancing moves.

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Later, Anthony, I've told you that. Now press that thing!

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MUSIC: "Better The Devil You Know" by Kylie Minogue

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'Nice dance routine here, yeah. All looking good.'

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-SMACK

-'Oh! Right in the thumbsquadge.'

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PIANO MUSIC

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'Very graceful, very elegant.

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'Oi! Watch it, love!

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'Ooh, what a good dancer he is, ain't he, in his skates there.

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'Ooh, look!'

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MUSIC: "Hot Hot Hot" by Arrow

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'Oh, Strictly Come Dancing. They never go wrong on this. Never.

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'Hang on a minute, what's going on here?

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'Oh, his microphone's gone adrift.

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Hold on, just a minute. Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold it.

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I'm so sorry!

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-Can we have another go? Please can we have another go?

-The microphone...

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Please, please, please!

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The microphone came off.

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OK, get the microphone in the right place or get rid of the damn thing.

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Who's this? Who are you?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK!

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Let us know when you're ready, my darlings. Don't worry.

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When something happens like that, that's show business.

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What a load of Charlies.

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Right, Du Beke,

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I have some more questions for you.

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-Fire away.

-And take them seriously! This is the proper educational bit.

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Lights, please, Herman!

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Y'awroight, Hacker.

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Bust your ultimate dance move.

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-I've got this one for you. Ready?

-Yeah.

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Needs a bit of work. Right, sit down.

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Right, what score would you give this dance move?

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Very excitable!

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-I'd give you...two!

-Oh, I'll take that, that's all right.

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And who would you most like to have your last dance with?

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Oh...

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It's got to be the lovely Tess Daly.

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Ah, Tess Daly from Strictly.

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HOOTER BLOWS

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Well, that's what you think, Anton.

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But take a look at what me and some real people got up to the other day

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when we talked dance.

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Hit the old switcheroo.

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-Hello!

-Hi.

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-Who would you most like to dance with?

-You.

-Me?

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We can make that happen for you.

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Grab my hand, since we're dancing. Ready?

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Ah-ah-ee, ooh-ah-ah-ah...

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-Hello!

-Hello.

-Who would you most like to dance with?

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-My brother.

-Your brother, is he a good dancer?

-Not really.

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-I'm a good dancer, ain't I?

-Yeah, you're quite good, aren't you?

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-Like that.

-Yeah, perfect.

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-And who would you most like to dance with?

-Beyonce.

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-Justin Bieber.

-Justin Timberlake.

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-Diversity.

-Madonna.

-Beyonce.

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-Dodge.

-Dodge?

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My brother Dodge? Why do you want to dance with him and not me?

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-Because he's more funky.

-He's got nothing on me!

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This lot know a lot about dancing,

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so I'm going to show them my best dance move,

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and these three are going to judge me using their fabulous scorecards.

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-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

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Right, I'm going to dance for you now.

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Yeah!

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-One.

-One? That's rubbish, why one? Was I no good?

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-No.

-But I've been practising that dance since the day I was born.

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-A one.

-One? How come a measly one?

-Cos you're just all over the place.

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-Five.

-Five? Why?

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Because it was all over the place and it was crazy.

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I am classically trained. I won't stand for this nonsense!

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-Number ten.

-A ten? Oh, why a ten?

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Because you were just so fast and good.

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Yes, I was, so if you add them all up...ten plus one...

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That is 100! I get 100 points! Huzzah!

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Would you stand up, please, and bust your best dance move?

-OK.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Very good.

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Got dandruff?

0:14:320:14:34

That's very good. What do you call that dance move?

0:14:460:14:49

-I don't know its name.

-The Windscreen Wipers, I call that.

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There we have it. We've learned lots of great dance moves.

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Some of them I'll put into practice next time I go to the discotheque.

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Thank you.

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Wasn't that a LOL?

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ANTON CHUCKLES

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Right, Mr Anthony Du Beak, you are a dancer on Strictly Come Dancing.

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Have there ever been

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any of the celebrity dancing people that you didn't like?

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Of course they were all lovely people.

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Kara Tointon and Matt Baker and lovely Ann Widdecombe.

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They're all so nice.

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Likes the sound of his own voice, that one.

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Look at that! A button.

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Oh, do not push? Spoils all my fun.

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Doesn't say do not press, though.

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Pressing is different to pushing. Give it an innocent press.

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Ha!

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BOOM!

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SIRENS WAIL

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Oh, that's not ideal, is it?

0:15:540:15:56

-I couldn't bear him. Explosive stuff, eh?

-I didn't explode anything!

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It wasn't me. I've been sat here all along. You can't prove anything!

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-Prove what?

-The building that just exploded. I didn't push the button.

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Um, nothing. Not a thing, no.

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-What a strange creature you are.

-Oh, thank you.

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-I've got some good news for you.

-Is it time for my dancing?

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-In a minute, Anthony. Warm up or something.

-I'll just...

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Mind your hamstring or whatever it is.

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The good news is the show's not over yet. Derek, run the menu.

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Oh, yeah.

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Still to come today - this,

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this,

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and this... Who's he? He's not in it!

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Quick, Derek, play some Howlers.

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Hey, look at them dancing.

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Strictly fell down, eh?

0:16:550:16:57

Ha ha! What's he doing?

0:16:580:17:00

Oh, no.

0:17:000:17:02

Oops. Look.

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Ha ha.

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Oh, she slipped.

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It's not nice.

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Oh, madam.

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Ooh!

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No, he's fine.

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Ha ha. She fell down.

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Play that guitar.

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Look at 'em showing off.

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Ha ha.

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Oh, damage to the staging!

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Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching Hacker Time.

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Now, performing his big dance number,

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will Anton du Beke please take to the floor?

0:17:400:17:43

-You could have got me one that fitted!

-Ha ha!

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Hit it!

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TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

0:17:490:17:51

Is that it, du Beke? Out the way, move out.

0:17:550:17:58

Hit it!

0:17:580:17:59

# If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe

0:17:590:18:01

# I'd be married long time ago

0:18:010:18:02

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

0:18:020:18:04

# Where did you come from... #

0:18:040:18:06

-That's rubbish.

-What?

-Hit it!

0:18:060:18:08

LIFT MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:080:18:10

Right, get out of it. I'm the dancer round here. Hit it!

0:18:130:18:17

# If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe

0:18:170:18:19

# I'd be married long time ago

0:18:190:18:21

# Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where... #

0:18:210:18:24

-Take a hike, dog breath.

-Cheeky.

0:18:240:18:26

Hit it!

0:18:270:18:29

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:290:18:31

Stop showing off and move on. I'll show you. Hit it!

0:18:350:18:39

# If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe

0:18:390:18:40

# I'd be married long time ago

0:18:400:18:42

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

0:18:420:18:44

# Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? #

0:18:440:18:46

Exhausted! I don't know if I can keep this up...

0:18:460:18:50

CRASH!

0:18:510:18:53

Is that it?

0:18:540:18:56

Aye, that's proper good dancing.

0:18:560:18:59

That was rubbish.

0:18:590:19:02

-Even my pet ferret can dance better than that.

-Have very dare you?

0:19:020:19:06

Derek, bring on the wall.

0:19:060:19:09

HE CHUCKLES

0:19:110:19:13

What a nonsense.

0:19:130:19:14

While he sorts himself out, here's some glamorous posh stuff to watch.

0:19:140:19:19

There's not enough dogs on telly - don't you agree, Anton?

0:19:190:19:23

What ever you say, Hacker.

0:19:230:19:25

Good, he agrees.

0:19:250:19:27

Me and Dodge have made our own doggy TV show. Wey-hey! Have a look.

0:19:270:19:31

It's called Downstairs Abbey. It's right good.

0:19:310:19:35

'I, Dogtina, am in love, and even though I'm just a little maid,

0:19:430:19:48

'I'm in love with a lord - my master, Lord Percy.'

0:19:480:19:53

-DOGTINA SIGHS

-Lord Percy!

0:19:530:19:56

Dogtina, you can't be in love with Lord Percy. I love him.

0:19:560:20:02

I'm the one who cuts his toenails.

0:20:020:20:04

I cut them too. I've kept some in a jar.

0:20:040:20:06

That is weird.

0:20:080:20:10

BELL RINGS

0:20:100:20:12

-Oh, Lord Percy, Lord Percy. I'll go.

-No, I'll go.

0:20:120:20:15

Stop it!

0:20:150:20:16

Ah, girls. I've got some exciting news.

0:20:180:20:21

I'm going to throw a big party

0:20:210:20:23

and I shall invite the lovely Lady Sarah.

0:20:230:20:26

-Ooh, a party.

-I've got nothing to wear.

0:20:260:20:30

No, you won't be coming. But you will be doing all the work.

0:20:300:20:34

I need you to write the invitations,

0:20:340:20:37

send invitations, tidy up, mop, dust, buy party food,

0:20:370:20:40

cook party food, buy decorations, choose music

0:20:400:20:44

and then prepare party games.

0:20:440:20:46

Let's go and get a milky brew.

0:20:460:20:49

< Where have you gone?!

0:20:490:20:51

What about the party?

0:20:510:20:53

There isn't going to be a party! Ha ha ha!

0:20:530:20:57

-COUGHS

-Hold on.

0:20:570:20:59

-So, Lord Percy, who is here?

-Why, Lady Sarah,

0:21:020:21:05

I have invited dozens of the finest people from all over the county.

0:21:050:21:10

Behold!

0:21:100:21:12

Y'all right?

0:21:130:21:16

What? Where is everyone? Who are you?

0:21:160:21:18

-I'm just a humble penniless tramp.

-I didn't invite you.

0:21:180:21:23

I heard there was a party, so I came in off the street.

0:21:230:21:26

Where are those vol-au-vents?

0:21:260:21:28

-Get out.

-Charming.

0:21:280:21:30

HACKERELLA! DOGTINA!

0:21:300:21:33

Where is everyone? This is a disaster.

0:21:330:21:37

At least Lady Sarah is still here.

0:21:370:21:39

-I'm going, Lord Percy.

-What?

0:21:390:21:42

I've fallen for the musky charm of this handsome gentleman.

0:21:420:21:46

-We plan to elope together.

-Yeah, what she said. Ta ra!

0:21:460:21:51

Lady Sarah!

0:21:510:21:53

Oh, she's gone. Cruel, fickle woman.

0:21:530:21:56

Why can't I find someone sensible?

0:21:560:22:00

Sensible like you, Hackerella.

0:22:000:22:02

In fact, Hackerella, do you...?

0:22:020:22:06

Do I...?

0:22:060:22:07

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:070:22:10

Do you...know anyone? There's no-one round here.

0:22:150:22:19

Oh, budgies.

0:22:190:22:22

Oh, what brilliant acting I did then.

0:22:250:22:29

-Brilliant.

-Thanks for being on my show.

0:22:290:22:32

You've done well for yourself.

0:22:320:22:34

Thanks. I had a lovely time, apart from that nasty wall incident.

0:22:340:22:39

We'll just skim over that.

0:22:390:22:41

Time to see if the judges thought you were a good guest.

0:22:410:22:45

Your scores for Anton du Beak.

0:22:450:22:47

-Du Beke.

-Bless you.

0:22:470:22:49

Ladies and gentlemen, the judges' scores. Craig Revel Horwood.

0:22:490:22:53

2!

0:22:530:22:54

CROWD GROANS

0:22:540:22:55

I'll see to this. Come here, Revel Horwood.

0:22:560:22:59

You're a disgrace, Revel Horwood.

0:22:590:23:02

Ooh!

0:23:020:23:04

Don't get any ideas - there's more where that came from.

0:23:040:23:08

And tidy up round here! It's a pigsty.

0:23:080:23:11

You won't have a problem now. Judges, have another go.

0:23:130:23:17

Craig Revel Horwood.

0:23:170:23:18

10!

0:23:180:23:19

CROWD CHEERS

0:23:190:23:21

Yeah! Thanks, Hacker.

0:23:210:23:22

Let's see how that puts you on my guest leader board.

0:23:220:23:26

Oh, look, you're at the top. Well done, Anton.

0:23:260:23:31

The door's over there. Goodbye.

0:23:310:23:33

-Is that it, then?

-Yep, that's about enough of you. See you.

0:23:330:23:37

-Oh, I'll... Exit music. OK.

-Derek, unlock the doors.

0:23:370:23:43

-Bye, then.

-Off you pop.

0:23:430:23:46

-Bye.

-Mind your head.

-Bye.

0:23:460:23:48

-And shut the door. It's freezing in here.

-Bye.

-Thank you.

0:23:480:23:53

I thought he was never going to go.

0:23:530:23:55

Right, it's time now for some of my favourite LOLs from round the world.

0:23:550:24:00

It's Hacker's Top 5 Dancing Howlers!

0:24:000:24:04

At 5, this dog is nearly as good at dancing as me - look.

0:24:060:24:11

# Too cold

0:24:110:24:12

# Ice, ice, baby

0:24:120:24:14

# Too cold

0:24:140:24:16

# Ice, ice, baby. #

0:24:160:24:18

Ha ha. What a mover. He's not as good as this, though.

0:24:180:24:22

# Too cold

0:24:220:24:24

# Ice, ice, baby. #

0:24:240:24:26

At 4, these musical pop-star types are larking about on treadmills.

0:24:280:24:33

Look.

0:24:330:24:34

MUSIC: "Here It Goes" by OK Go

0:24:340:24:36

They'll get fit if they keep that up.

0:25:120:25:15

In at 3, in't breakdancing impressive?

0:25:170:25:20

Well, it's even more betterer when it's done by fingers. Look.

0:25:200:25:24

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:240:25:27

Ha ha. Look. He's got shoes on his fingers!

0:25:270:25:30

I normally think weddings are dead boring and grown-up,

0:25:470:25:51

but look at what they got up to at the reception.

0:25:510:25:54

# Butterfly kisses at night... #

0:25:540:25:59

RECORD SCRATCHES

0:25:590:26:01

You might be missing some of the benefits of stereo.

0:26:010:26:05

# YMCA

0:26:050:26:07

# It's fun to stay at the YMCA

0:26:070:26:11

# They have everything for young men to enjoy

0:26:110:26:15

# You can hang out with all the boys. #

0:26:150:26:18

Well done, sir. You were marvellous.

0:26:180:26:21

And at 1, dancing is good, trombones are good,

0:26:240:26:27

but look what happens when you put them both together.

0:26:270:26:32

What's he like?

0:26:500:26:52

That's all I've got time for today.

0:27:020:27:05

CBBC probably want to put another episode of Tracy Beaker on.

0:27:050:27:09

Thanks to that dancing mad man Anton du Beke for coming in.

0:27:090:27:13

We've just got time for my brilliant song.

0:27:130:27:16

Ba-ba, da-da!

0:27:160:27:18

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:210:27:24

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

0:27:240:27:26

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:260:27:29

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:290:27:31

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

0:27:310:27:33

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

0:27:330:27:36

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

0:27:360:27:38

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

0:27:380:27:40

# Thanks to my special guest The dancer, Anton du Beke

0:27:400:27:45

# He's quite good at dancing and that

0:27:450:27:48

# But everyone knows that I'm the best

0:27:480:27:51

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:510:27:53

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:530:27:55

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:550:27:57

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:570:28:00

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:28:000:28:02

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:28:020:28:06

Thank you!

0:28:060:28:07

In this first episode, Hacker explores the world of dance. He tricks Anton Du Beke into being his studio guest and challenges the Strictly star to a dance-off. Featuring sketches, comedy guests and outtakes from other programmes, plus a trip to Downstairs Abbey.


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