Dani Harmer Hacker Time


Dani Harmer

Hacker T Dog has somehow managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker tries to break into the acting world and tricks CBBC's Dani Harmer into being a studio guest.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

# You gotta watch this

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PRRT!

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# My, my, my, my...

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# Programme hits you so hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word"

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# Thank you for watching me It's TV but not what you normally see

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# It feels good There's comedy, guests and clips, too

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# So sit back, don't eat too much

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# This is the show you can't touch

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# Stop! Hacker Time! #

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Thank you.

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Hello? Hello?

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Somebody open this door right now!

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You're making me look like a moo standing here.

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I'm livid with you, Derek!

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Hello. You all right?

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Welcome to my telly show.

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Coming up - we've got this...

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Plenty of this.

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Oh, and a bit of that.

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We're going to have a right old LOL today.

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-Ah! Me tail!

-Oooh!

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Open the doors!

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Ah! Oooh!

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What are you trying to do me?

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These doors cost me 20 quid. Ahh!

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Ah! Me tail again! Stop it! Why do these things always go wrong on...?

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Ah! Get off me!

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Here's some howlers.

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Oh, me tail!

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FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

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Oh, no!

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Oh!

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Oh!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Oh, look at that!

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Oh!

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Oh, yes!

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Oh, no!

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Oh, no!

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Oooh!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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What are they like?

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I'll play you some more hilarious howlers later.

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ALARM WAILS, HORN HONKS

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I've got a positive sighting, Hacker.

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Ah, good. That will be today's guest, Dani Harmer arriving.

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Not that she knows she's on here!

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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A massive Hollywood audition? I could be in a film!

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RIP, CRASH!

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's special guest - Dani Harmer!

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You what?!

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You all right, Dani?

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Hacker. What are you doing at a Hollywood audition?

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Oh, some filthy prankster

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must have put up a sign on my studio wall again.

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It definitely wasn't me and Derek tricking you

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into being on my show.

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-What?!

-Nothing!

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Anyway, while you're here, we might as well make the best of it

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because I happen to have my own TV show that I'm presenting.

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So you could be a guest on that.

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-You've got your own show?

-I know!

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Ridiculous, isn't it? Ha-ha!

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-It will be a right old LOL, though. Come on. Come on!

-OK.

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You didn't con me into coming here?

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This wasn't just some big elaborate plan to get me on your TV show?

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What?!

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NO!

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Um...

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Oh, them? They were here when I moved in.

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Welcome to Hacker Time, Dani Harmer.

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-Watch this fact file. Pull the red lever.

-OK.

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Dani Harmer is a human woman.

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She is most famous for playing Tracy Beaker who

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she has portrayed for over 100 years, or is that over 100 episodes?

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Can't remember. Tracy is a really good character

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who has a lot of fashion sense.

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She wears stripes. She even wears stripes,

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and she can even wear...stripes. More stripes.

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What are you doing? Get yourself a nice bit of check or some spots.

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Anyway, here she is wearing stripes - it's Dani Harmer!

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Oh, very interesting. I feel I know you a lot better now.

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That is all total rubbish.

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Dani! That took me ages to make.

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And just when I thought you were behaving yourself for once.

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I always behave myself.

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Pah! Hardly.

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You're normally a bit more, well, you know.

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-No, I don't know.

-Well, a bit more like this...

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I can't believe they put a mean old trout like you

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in charge of a children's home!

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Hacker, that's just my character.

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Tracy's always shouting. Dani's always happy.

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Well, Dani, you clearly are a very good actress.

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But between you and me, I think I can do acting betterer.

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Look!

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Welcome to the Betterer Arena!

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Today I am bettererising acting in a few simple steps.

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An actor has to adapt, like a chameleon.

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One second a dog, the next...

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All right, come on. Dress me.

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Ta-da!

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Now I look like an actor.

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I can portray any role.

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Why, hello, lovey!

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I am a top theatre producer.

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Can you do Hamlet?

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No!

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-I'm shy.

-Oh!

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And now it's time to do away with all of this nonsense.

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No-one wants to learn lines or get amongst a script. Boring!

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Instead, I talk from the heart and make it up.

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And action!

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Dearest, Guinevere,

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wouldst thou recount upon me news of your adventures in the Africas?

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Em, I think that, um...

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I've lost me train of thought now. Don't you shake your head at me!

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If you want to be an actor, you've got to portray all emotions.

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You have to do happy.

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Oh, hello, little cutie-wutie little baby.

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Are you well?

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Also, you have to be able to do angry.

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Would you like my very last sweetie?

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I beg your pardon!

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How dare you come in here in your filthy, stinky nappy!

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I don't want that muck.

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I don't know where you've been! HE CRIES

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Yeah, go on, cry!

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Cry all you want!

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See if I care!

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Hmm!

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Don't cry, baby.

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I'm only acting. Baby!

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Baby!

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Ah...!

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What did you think of that, Dani?

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Interesting tips you're giving there.

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Yes, I am.

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So, are you enjoying yourself on my tiny little TV show so far?

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I am, indeed.

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We always have a LOL together, don't we? Yeah.

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It's like that time I appeared in Tracy Beaker Returns, remember?

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-No.

-Dani! How could you forget?

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I'm offended! Good job I've got the clip to hand. Pull that blue lever.

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-You seem to have had a time of it.

-I'm going to get fired!

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BIRD CAWS

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You all right, Tracy? Careful or you'll...fall.

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CRASH!

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Hey, that's more time for me. I've got myself a lovely parachute.

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Oh, budgies! I've packed my knick-knacks again

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and not my parachute!

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THEY LAUGH Good, wasn't I?

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You were brilliant.

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-I can't believe you'd forgotten that.

-I know.

-Anyway, I'm going to ask you

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-some questions now, like proper interviewers do.

-Exciting.

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I am making a big new movie and I need a young, talented,

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good-looking, clever actress with long black hair.

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Do you know anyone?

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HACKER LAUGHS

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If you could act with anyone in the whole wide world, would it be me?

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Of course it would be you.

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Or Johnny Depp.

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Oh, right. What is your favourite episode of... Excuse me.

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What is your favourite ever... What is your... What is...

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Will you stop it?! Ah!

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Hacker, stop being so rubbish.

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Ask her about acting.

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I am a great actor.

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-OK. Show me terror.

-OK.

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Ah, we're going to get crushed!

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Wow, that's some good acting. Ah!

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Ah!

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Oh, that's got it.

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Right, what's your favourite, er...thingy?

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-Hacker, what are you trying to say?

-I have no idea.

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Right, let's watch some more stuff, Dani.

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Let's watch what happens when some acting people mess up.

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Press that button.

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You there!

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LAUGHTER

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As much as I've decided anything... I looked at the camera!

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-A few jokes, a bit of banter breaks the ice.

-And...

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HE SINGS

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It's genius!

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HE LAUGHS

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We've heard enough bright ideas.

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PRRT! Oh!

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-Windy Wallace again!

-It was my foot!

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Actually, the swimming trip was to get everyone out of the flat.

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What's wrong?

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Actually, the swimming trip was to get everyone out of the flat...

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Actually, the swimming trip was to get everyone out of the flat

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for an hour while I set up a surprise...

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Actually, the swimming trip...

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LAUGHTER

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SHE LAUGHS

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-We have a transplant this afternoon.

-Fantastic.

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So if you're considering a career in...

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I'm sorry I...

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I've forgotten my lines.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Hey, there were multiple LOLs there, weren't there?

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There were.

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-Now, Dani, we're going to do some acting later on.

-OK.

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Cos I am a very good actor,

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but I need to check that you're good enough.

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So I'm going to get you to show off some of your skills.

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-Do you understand that?

-Yes, I did.

-Good.

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Spotlight please, Herman!

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Go!

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Be a robot malfunctioning.

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Very good.

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Be a Frenchman buying a loaf of bread.

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Oh, could I have a loaf of bread?

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Yes, you can.

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Be a spoon!

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Perfect! Stop!

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Interesting attempt, Dani, that.

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The other day I went to hang out with some of my real friends

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and we talked about drama. Have a look.

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-Will you flick that switch, please?

-Yes.

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-Hello! ALL:

-Hello!

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I'm here today with these lovely people to teach them

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about acting and I'm going to find out

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if any of these guys have got any acting powers.

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Could you act like a robot that is about to break down?

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HE MAKES WHIRRING SOUND

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Pfff-pfff-pfff...

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Very good.

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Zzzrrr-zzzrrr-zzzrrr.

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Izzz-izzz-izzz.

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Zzzzzzzzz!

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-Whoaaarrr.

-That was good, that.

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-How about you?

-Ppppr-ppppr-ppppr...

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I do it like this...

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Urrrr-zzzrrr-wwwrrr.

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I want you to act as if you are a Frenchman

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buying a loaf of bread from me.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Can I have a loaf of bread, please?

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Ah, yes you can 'ave zome bread.

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-There it is.

-Merci.

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-Bonjour.

-Hello.

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-Can I have a baguette?

-LAUGHTER

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Right, you want to buy some bread from me in 'Acker's Bread Shop.

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Please, mademoiselle, can I have a baguette, please?

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Mademoiselle?!

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-That means a woman, don't it?

-Yeah.

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In order to be a professional actor, you've got to be able to

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portray the role of anything, including inanimate objects.

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For example, a spoon!

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Adopt the shape of a spoon!

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A spoon!

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And act as if you are a spoon!

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Excuse me. Stop a second. Where's my close-up for that?

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Spoon! Spoon!

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Spoon. Thank you.

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-What sort of spoon are you?

-A tablespoon.

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Them are the spoons you eat tables with, aren't they?

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Omelette spoon!

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The name's Spoon, Wooden Spoon!

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You are funny.

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So, there we have it,

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we've learned that these guys can act like a robot, like a Frenchman

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buying a loaf of bread and they can all act like spoons.

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Give yourselves a big clap! You've been fantastic!

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Thank you very much. Goodbye! THEY CLAP

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Thank you.

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Children are like adults, only smaller.

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So, Dani, you're a famous and successful acting person.

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Can you give everyone at home some tips about acting and that?

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Of course! Finally, a proper question.

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For the first time, exclusively to Hacker Time,

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I'm going to reveal my secrets into why my career's been so successful.

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If you follow these tips, you'll have a successful career.

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Ready? Tip One. Auditions.

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All you have to do, really, is just be yourself,

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but make sure you learn your lines first...

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Look...

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Oh, look at that button!

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I...

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Oh, "Do not push", it says, that.

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Oh, but I want to push it.

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Tell you what - I'll not really push it,

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I'll act as if I'm pushing it. Ha-ha-ha!

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EXPLOSION AND ALARM

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Oh...budgerigars.

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..And if you definitely do all that, then you're certain

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-to have a long and successful acting career.

-Oh!

-Hacker?

-What?

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-Hacker, have you been listening to me?

-Oh, yeah, yeah,

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I listened to that. Good advice. Bob on.

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You've not listened to a word I've said! Don't push it!

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I didn't push it! It wasn't me!

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I've got a tangible alibi!

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Don't take me away, officers, please!

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Take you away? What are you talking about, Hacker?

0:15:050:15:08

The button! The... Um...

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Oh, nothing!

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I've been sitting here

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-quietly minding my own business all along, yeah.

-Right, OK.

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Can we do the next bit now and forget this ever happened?

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-Yeah, I think that's probably for the best.

-OK.

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Do that thing with the buttons, Derek!

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Oh, yeah.

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Still to come today, this...

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Bacawk! I am a chicken!

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..that and this.

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Who are they?

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What's that doing in there?

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They're not on. Play some Howlers, Derek! Oh, I'm livid, I am.

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All right, Si?

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Ooh-er... Oh!

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THEY LAUGH

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Beware of my head!

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THEY LAUGH

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Action!

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Action!

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Oh, I'm very sorry.

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That means go, does it?

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Yes, of course.

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Don't tell me you're defrosting the cat.

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What are you up to?

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THEY LAUGH

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Ectoplasm - yes, proof of life from another world.

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HE BREAKS WIND

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Sorry, I just farted!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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LAUGHTER

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-Ha! Hey, Dani, did you like that?

-I loved it.

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-I'll tell you what else you'll love.

-What?

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-Tracy Barker.

-Oh, Tracy Beaker? I love Tracy Beaker. Put it on.

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It's not on telly enough.

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No, no, Dani, not Tracy Beaker, Tracy Barker.

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Run it, Derek.

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Beep.

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Beep.

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Yeah?

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Oh, sorry, it's just, uh, these fruits...

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Yeah.

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I was going to buy them, but they're slightly damaged.

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-Mmmm.

-Can I get a discount?

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Oh, I'll just check for you.

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Hello?

0:17:140:17:15

Hello?!

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Can I have some assistance, please?

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Can a man...

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Yeah. ..a man have a discount because his fr-uit is bruis-ed?

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No, he can't.

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Thanks!

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No, you can't.

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HE LAUGHS WILDLY

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It's so...! Argh, it's funny!

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Tracy Barker! She...cracks...me...right...up!

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-Ha-ha! It's hilarious, in't it, Dani?

-Not exactly...

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Can we do something else now?

0:17:560:17:58

I've got more episodes of Tracy Barker if you want?

0:17:580:18:01

No, no! I've got an idea - why don't we do a bit of acting?

0:18:010:18:04

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:18:040:18:05

We could play my acting game thing.

0:18:050:18:07

This is what happens, right?

0:18:070:18:09

-Herman reads out different types of films...

-Genres.

0:18:090:18:13

Bless you. And we have to act out in that style.

0:18:130:18:15

-OK, cool.

-Right, there's hats and stuff, too.

0:18:150:18:18

-The scene we have to do is two people fighting over the remote control.

-OK.

0:18:180:18:22

Romance.

0:18:220:18:24

Go!

0:18:240:18:25

I am romantic and I think, Mrs Harmer,

0:18:260:18:30

will you please put Tracy Barker on?

0:18:300:18:34

I cannot, my love. It is a terrible programme.

0:18:340:18:36

-You could have flowers instead.

-That offer makes me physically ill.

0:18:360:18:41

Western.

0:18:410:18:42

WESTERN MUSIC

0:18:420:18:44

I rode into this here town to watch myself me some Tracy Barker.

0:18:440:18:50

I think you should put it on and that.

0:18:500:18:52

No, I'm not gonna put it on.

0:18:520:18:55

THEY SPIT AND LAUGH

0:18:550:18:57

Sci-fi.

0:18:570:18:59

I think you should put the Tracy Barker thing on or I will

0:18:590:19:05

get my robot to, um, commit a minor crime in your direction.

0:19:050:19:09

SHE SPEAKS IN AN ALIEN LANGUAGE

0:19:090:19:12

Easy for you to say, love.

0:19:120:19:14

Silent movie.

0:19:140:19:17

INAUDIBLE

0:19:180:19:22

Musical.

0:19:280:19:31

# Please put Tracy Barker on...

0:19:310:19:34

# No

0:19:340:19:36

# ..you white-faced freak

0:19:360:19:38

# No, I couldn't possibly, cos it is rubbish

0:19:380:19:42

# Rubbish or not

0:19:420:19:44

# It deserves our time I get repeat fees for every showing

0:19:440:19:49

# I don't care, it's really that bad

0:19:490:19:51

# I'm not putting it on

0:19:510:19:53

# All right, then, let's do a little musical interlude instead

0:19:530:19:56

# OK. #

0:19:560:19:57

JAZZ MUSIC

0:19:570:20:00

Horror!

0:20:000:20:01

Put Tracy Barker on, or I will creep up on you!

0:20:030:20:10

You will rue the day, Dani Harmer, you crossed me with your pointy head!

0:20:110:20:17

KLAXON BLARES That's the end of the game!

0:20:170:20:20

I was good in that, though, weren't I?

0:20:200:20:22

-You were very good, Hacker.

-Anyway, enough of this nonsense,

0:20:220:20:25

cos I'm already an experienced actor.

0:20:250:20:27

-Really?

-Look at what me and Dodge got up to at the weekend.

0:20:270:20:30

We made one of them fancy costume-drama things

0:20:300:20:33

that our mum likes.

0:20:330:20:34

Play it, Derek!

0:20:340:20:37

'I, Hackerella, a humble maid, am in love with my master, Lord Percy.'

0:20:440:20:52

# Oh, Lord Percy

0:20:520:20:56

# Lord Percy

0:20:560:20:58

# I love you and that

0:20:580:21:02

# And I love you too! #

0:21:020:21:07

Eh, I've told you already, you can't be in love with Lord Percy - I am!

0:21:080:21:12

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, Lord Percy, Lord Percy!

0:21:120:21:15

-I'll go!

-No, I'll go!

0:21:150:21:17

Ah, there you are, girls.

0:21:220:21:24

I've got some exciting news.

0:21:240:21:25

We're going to have a very important visitor.

0:21:250:21:28

The father of my one true love.

0:21:280:21:30

What, my daddy's coming over?

0:21:300:21:33

Ha-ha! Oh, yes, good joke, Hackerella.

0:21:330:21:36

-Me in love with you, how ridiculous!

-Yeah, how ridiculous...

0:21:360:21:39

No, my one true love is, of course, Lady Sarah.

0:21:390:21:44

And the reason her father is coming to stay is that

0:21:440:21:47

I'm going to ask his permission to marry her.

0:21:470:21:49

So you'd better make sure this house is spotless.

0:21:490:21:52

Go on, then!

0:21:520:21:54

Hacks, if the Duke says yes,

0:21:560:21:57

then Lord Percy's going to marry Lady Sarah!

0:21:570:22:00

But the Duke is going to say no, for I have a plan!

0:22:000:22:06

Lord Percy, may I present the Duke?

0:22:090:22:13

Thank you, Dodgina.

0:22:130:22:14

Your Excellency.

0:22:160:22:17

Ugh!

0:22:180:22:20

I am a Duke!

0:22:200:22:22

Right.

0:22:220:22:23

Your Excellency, I have invited you here today

0:22:230:22:26

to ask for your consent for your daughter's hand in marriage.

0:22:260:22:30

What say you?

0:22:300:22:31

Let me think - erm, noo!

0:22:310:22:35

But, my Lord, surely...

0:22:350:22:37

No, I won't have it.

0:22:370:22:38

I won't have you in my family!

0:22:380:22:40

-Is there anything I can do to change your mind?

-Yes.

0:22:400:22:43

You could dance like a chicken.

0:22:430:22:46

As you...wish.

0:22:460:22:48

Bockaw! Bockaw!

0:22:490:22:52

I am a chicken!

0:22:520:22:54

Bockaw!

0:22:540:22:55

Bockaw!

0:22:550:22:56

-Bockaw!

-What are you doing?!

0:22:560:22:59

Lady Sarah, I was just talking to your father.

0:22:590:23:02

What are you talking about?!

0:23:020:23:04

This isn't my father.

0:23:040:23:06

Agh!

0:23:060:23:08

What the...?!

0:23:080:23:10

And you thought these two vagabonds were Pater!

0:23:100:23:14

How dare you?!

0:23:150:23:17

Never speak to me again!

0:23:170:23:19

Lady Sarah!

0:23:190:23:21

You, come here!

0:23:220:23:24

Ain't I good at acting, eh?

0:23:260:23:28

You're better at acting than you are at presenting, I guess.

0:23:280:23:32

Cheeky!

0:23:320:23:33

Eh, Dani, thanks for coming on to my show today.

0:23:330:23:36

-It's kind of you to accept my invite.

-I didn't exactly accept, but...

0:23:360:23:40

Whatever. I've got you a nice little present

0:23:400:23:44

-to remember how much you've loved being here.

-Really?

0:23:440:23:47

It's a very special Hacker Time tea towel!

0:23:470:23:50

-Ugh.

-Yeah, don't worry about the stains,

0:23:500:23:52

stick it in on a 40 degree wash, it'll be as good as new.

0:23:520:23:55

It's a used tea towel.

0:23:550:23:57

Yeah, and that's not all.

0:23:570:23:58

Because you've been such a good guest,

0:23:580:24:01

you can have a limited-edition Hacker Time dog bowl!

0:24:010:24:06

The latest in doggy chic.

0:24:060:24:09

It can store food, store water, store...

0:24:090:24:13

Well, mainly just food and water, really.

0:24:130:24:17

Just give it a rinse out when you get home.

0:24:170:24:20

-I had last night's biryani in it.

-Thank you so much(!)

-All right.

0:24:200:24:23

The door's over there, goodbye!

0:24:230:24:25

-Oh, OK, bye.

-Bye.

0:24:250:24:28

-Eh, don't be a stranger.

-I won't.

0:24:280:24:29

That's not a free invite to pop in whenever you want, though.

0:24:290:24:33

-Cheers, Hacker.

-It's all right. See you.

-Bye.

0:24:330:24:37

Right, now she's gone,

0:24:370:24:38

I'm going to show you some of my favourite LOLs from around the world.

0:24:380:24:42

It's time for Hacker's Top Five Acting Howlers.

0:24:420:24:47

There's a right nonsense going on at number five.

0:24:490:24:52

You'll be fine, you're both grown up.

0:24:520:24:55

-BOTH:

-Agh!

-Sorry!

0:24:550:24:56

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:24:560:25:00

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:25:000:25:02

We should all...

0:25:020:25:04

Sorry, do it again!

0:25:070:25:09

What a palaver!

0:25:090:25:11

Acting is easy, right?

0:25:130:25:15

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

0:25:150:25:16

But this mooey wouldn't agree.

0:25:160:25:19

SHE LAUGHS

0:25:190:25:21

You OK?

0:25:260:25:27

-Shall we cut?

-Try again.

0:25:270:25:29

I can't believe he dumped me...

0:25:290:25:31

THEY LAUGH

0:25:310:25:32

-I'm so sorry.

-Action.

0:25:320:25:34

I can't believe he dumped me.

0:25:350:25:37

THEY LAUGH Ha-ha-ha!

0:25:390:25:40

Stuff went wrong, didn't it?!

0:25:410:25:44

It went all wrong.

0:25:440:25:45

In at three, this cha-os.

0:25:470:25:50

Wrong way, wrong way!

0:25:540:25:56

Silly! Ooh!

0:25:560:25:59

What's at number two, you say?

0:26:010:26:04

This LOL, that's what.

0:26:040:26:06

Ha!

0:26:080:26:10

Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:120:26:13

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Cut there.

0:26:160:26:18

And my number one favourite acting howler is this.

0:26:200:26:25

-Duke, he won't give me the milk.

-Give Tracy the milk.

0:26:250:26:30

Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:330:26:35

Milk-face chaos!

0:26:350:26:37

Ha-ha-ha! I'll be LOL-ing all night after that.

0:26:380:26:41

I'm not going to top that bit, so I might as well just go away.

0:26:410:26:44

Thanks to my guest, Dani Harmer.

0:26:440:26:46

I've had a lovely time learning about that acting nonsense.

0:26:460:26:49

I'll leave you today with my big musical end bit.

0:26:490:26:52

What a show we've had, eh?

0:26:520:26:55

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:000:27:01

# I need the lav-lav, so I'm going to go

0:27:010:27:04

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:040:27:07

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:070:27:09

# We've had a LOL or two, watching some clips

0:27:090:27:12

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

0:27:120:27:14

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

0:27:140:27:16

# Who needs other telly shows?

0:27:160:27:17

# Mine's the best one

0:27:170:27:19

# Dani Harmer was on the show

0:27:190:27:21

# It's always nice to see her

0:27:210:27:24

# She is funny, we had a LOL

0:27:240:27:26

# But at least she's not as loud as Tracy Beaker

0:27:260:27:28

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:280:27:31

# I need the lav-lav, so I'm going to go

0:27:310:27:33

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:330:27:36

# Put it your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:360:27:38

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:380:27:40

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:400:27:44

Thank you, thank you!

0:27:440:27:45

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:450:27:48

Hacker tries to break into the acting world and tricks CBBC's Dani Harmer into being a studio guest. Also featuring sketches, comedy guests and outtakes from other programmes, plus a return trip to Downstairs Abbey.


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