Danny Anthony & Anjli Mohindra Hacker Time

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# My programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't work too much This is the show you can't touch

# Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Cue Hacker.

Cue hacker. Oh, cue hacker.

Run the programme.

What? Oh, budgies!

-How long have I got?

-Eight seconds.

Welcome to Hacker Time. It's going to be great and that.

Coming up today we've got this, this and this.

Now here are some howlers.

People like to call them the gentle giants of the insect world.

Stand up.

Oh, not that, no.

He wanted to cut the enemy formation in half so he could destroy

the ships at the centre and at the rear of the formation.

For the ships at the front could...

FOG HORN SOUNDS

Now, Nelson...

FOG HORN SOUNDS

Wet shoes!

Each one of those photographs I took...

What's that? Oh, it's a false spider.

Two rows of wooden seats down either side

which you'd sit on to do your business.

Your business would then drop into that channel.

You'd wipe your bum with a sponge on the end of a stick

which you'd wash out in this channel down here.

HE GIGGLES

Now, it's unclear as to whether...

HE LAUGHS

Try again, Matt.

From there, you would wipe your bum with a...

Bum?!

Ready...

HE LAUGHS

More comical unsightliness later.

HORN BLARES

Are my guests here, Derek?

-Yeah, they're coming.

-Oh, good.

It's going to be a right old LOL, not that they know they're on yet.

-"Unsolved alien mystery."

-That's right up our street. Come on, Danny.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's very special guests,

the stars of the Sarah Jane Adventures, Danny Anthony

and Anjli Mohindra.

Hey, you all right?

Hacker, what's this unsolved alien mystery all about, then?

Have you got Judoon running wild in your corridors

or Slithine trying to take over CBBC?

Yeah, something like that. There's strange spooky things going on.

Listen.

WHISTLING

Funny that, it's whistling for them.

Watch this one.

And there's clanging and stuff all around.

Woo! woo!

And there's unexplained gases lurking.

SHE PASSES WIND

Oops.

Spooky, isn't it?

No, no. It's not.

That's just the crew over there making noises.

Yes, hello, all right?

I knew she shouldn't have done the bum bum thing.

All right, so there's not exactly aliens and stuff.

I've got you here to be guests on my brilliant TV show.

Surprise!

Good, isn't it?

-You've got a TV show?

-Yeah, so you will stay?

-I'm not sure if we can.

I'm glad you agree, come and sit down. Lock the doors, Derek.

Now, watch this. It's all about you and that. Pull that blue lever.

Danny and Anjli are actors in the Sarah Jane Adventures.

Daniel's a lovely boy, very kind and polite. Daniel, how rude!

Well, Anjli's nice anyway. Nice dress, Anjli.

Do they do it in pink? I'd love one like that.

Danny and Anjli play Clyde and Rani.

They solve mysteries and battle aliens.

Yes... Oh, look at his fingernails!

But with Sarah Jane in charge, they always save the day.

Why, it's Daniel and Anjli.

Very interesting.

So, Daniel and the other one,

you have lots of aliens in your programme and that.

-Are they supposed to be scary?

-Yeah, they are pretty frightening.

Yeah, they are average at best. I can do aliens far betterer.

Take a look see at this.

Welcome to the betterer arena.

Today, I'm going to show you how to make a betterer alien

in a few scary steps.

Step one.

To be an alien, you need a scary body.

Now, I've spent all my money on this and you will not be disappointed.

Wardrobe! Dress me.

Thank you.

Perfect.

I am an alien!

Are you joking? What's this?

I gave you a whole pound and you come back with this.

This wouldn't scare a timid mouse!

I'm appalled at the state of this thing! Look at the state of me!

Step two!

I'll deal with you to later.

Right, step two, aliens are scarier

when you can't understand what they are saying.

To prove it, watch this.

Bring in the guinea pig!

Watch him in tremble.

Ah! Mum, the guinea pig got me again.

Step three.

You stupid guinea pig!

Right, the final thing I need to be an alien

and conquer the universe, is a spaceship.

My spaceship can zap people and flies at a zillion miles an hour.

Oh, "But where is it?" I hear you ask. That's the best thing of all.

It's invisible!

Now, now, where did I put it? Ow, my teeth!

I just banged my teeth on my spaceship. Oh, no.

ALARM SOUNDS

Where are my car keys? Oh, hello? Hello, help me!

-Is that it?

-Oi! That was dead good.

Although it wasn't as good as the time I was on

the Sarah Jane Adventurers, is it?

-You were never on the Sarah Jane Adventures.

-Never.

Don't you remember? I'm offended. I was in that episode with you, Anjli.

It was the one where you thought

everyone in the world had been wiped out for ever. Watch this.

Mum! Dad!

Hello! Hello!

HELLO!

Please don't let me be the only one.

BANGING

Are you all right, Rani? What are you doing here?

Everyone's down the swimming pool, having a right old LOL.

Yeah, they are all there. Clyde, that other one.

Come on, have a dip. Get among it!

Aren't I a good actor and that?

-You are amazing.

-Brilliant.

Anyway, the viewers at home probably want to know

more about the Sarah Jane Adventures and that.

So I'm going to ask you some questions.

What was it like when you met the Doctor? Did he give you a check-up?

I mean, why did you call him? Was there something giving you jip?

Well, I had a dodgy knee so he sorted that out.

He shouldn't waste his time. He's a professional.

That Mr Smith, right, he's a good computer, isn't he?

But what games has he got?

How To Save The Day. How To Save The Day II.

They're good games.

And how long have you... Excuse me. How long have you...

Give me a minute. How long have you...

Will you stop itching!

Hacker, hacker, stop messing about and ask Danny

and Anjli proper questions.

Hey, maybe we should pretend we are in the Sarah Jane Adventures.

-I'll be Sarah Jane.

-And what will I be?

A monstrous, giant paw!

I don't remember that in the show.

That's got it.

Oh, yes. Right, so how long have you been...

Oh, forgotten. Never mind. Let's do something else, shall we?

I've found some clips of you lot messing up

on the Sarah Jane Adventures. You love it.

Push those levers.

They can't cope with that rate of multiplication.

Good to see you are on are... bah bah bah!

Yeah, but I've got... ma ba be bee da doo!

-Sorry.

-Cut, thank you.

Guys, here we go.

Oh, don't.

Are you feeling freaked yet?

Where are they?

Just go along with him, Anjli... Rani, I saw him save the world.

And action.

Oh, you were in the back of the shot, man.

Did somebody say dance?

-Is that rackweed?

-No.

Is that rackweed?

THEY LAUGH

Cut!

You went wrong multiple times there.

-Sometimes it's hard to remember our lines.

-Oh, Daniel!

Anjli, all this alien chit chat makes me want to learn more

so I'm going to ask you three quick-fire questions

and I want you to give me three quick-fire answers.

Spotlight, please, Herman.

-Bit bright.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Go! It's against the clock.

Draw an alien!

-Right, name your aliens. What are they called?

-Mind is a Toastini.

-Was noise does it make?

-Like eating toast.

-Like this.

Exactly, exactly. Brilliant impression, brilliant impression.

-And what is your one called?

-Mine's called the RooJoo.

-Time up.

Show us your aliens. Oh, very good. Scary, Toastini and a lovely RooJoo.

Oh, yes.

I tell you what though, the other day right,

I went to speak to some real life little people out and about

and they did some well good aliens and that. Look at this.

Thank you.

Yes, that's right.

Here I am, once again, like a big reporter from the news

to ask some people some very tricky questions.

Rule number one of interviewing humans

is make a good first impression. So, let's get going.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, don't laugh at me!

Have you never seen a dog examining the floor

at close proximity before?

I won't have it! Aliens are creepy and scary.

I reckon these lot have seen an alien. Please draw it down.

Draw it now, draw it

so I can witness the alien in front of me very eyes!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Can I have a look at your alien?

Would you hold it up, please? That's good.

-Now, what is your alien called?

-It's called Pootion.

-Pootion?

And what does he do?

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

-What is it called?

-It's called the Kapeesh.

What noise does it make?

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I didn't catch that. What was it?

-What's it called?

-Keith.

-Oh, look at Keith. He's got nice teeth, hasn't he?

-Yeah.

And what noise does Keith make?

# Brrrack, wooang, moooi! #

-And does he have any powers?

-He can fart to another universe.

He can fart to another universe.

-What's it called?

-It's called Sluggy Snail.

-And what noise does he make?

-Blogga, blogga, blogga.

-Does he have any powers?

-He just eats people.

That's fine, I'm a dog, I'll be fine, won't I?

-But it will each dogs first.

-It will eat dogs first?

Oh, no, get rid of the Sluggy Snail.

Please don't eat me, I'm so young!

So there you go, that's what everyone in the world thinks.

Now it's back to me in the studio.

Thank you.

-Aren't them aliens good?

-Yeah.

-You should put them in your programme.

-I was impressed.

-They were very good.

-They were wicked.

Now, Daniel, Anjli, tell us some behind-the-scenes secrets.

-Hacker, I'm sorry, I can't tell you anything. It's top secret.

-Oh.

But because it's you and I like you, we will tell you one thing.

You've got to promise not to tell anyone, OK?

-We will get is so much trouble.

-I promise.

So, first episode of the next series...

There's a button there, isn't there?

Look at that button there. Nice and shiny.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't press that button, really,

but what's the worst that can happen?

BOTH: No!

SIREN BLARES

Nothing's happened. Yeah...

-Where are we?

-I don't know.

-What are we going to do? We could be stuck here.

-I'm scared, Anjli.

-Me too.

-What are you two playing at?

Come back over here - we've got a show to do.

-Oh, sorry, Hacks.

-Sorry, Hacks.

Young whippersnappers. Never mind. Still to come - Derek! The menu!

One menu, served hot! Hoo-hoo!

En route is this...

HE SOBS

That...and this...

Hold on a minute, who's he? He's not in it, quick, Derek!

Play the Dr Who-lers. He-he-he!

# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da...

# Doo oooh-whooo-ooh!

THEY "SING" DR WHO THEME TUNE

Right... This isn't going to be big on dignity.

SQUELCHING SOUND

SHE GIGGLES

Was that a howler?

"Restricted access. No unauthorised personnel."

Hm.

-That's breaking and entering!

-What did I break?

Sonic-ing and entering.

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Amy, listen to me, I'm sending a bit of software to your communicator.

It's a proximity detector. It beeps if something's in your way.

Manoeuvre till the beeping stops then you've got a clear path,

because - Amy, this is important -

the angel is full of forests.

You're going to have to walk like you can see.

Just picked that up, sorry. >

-The forest is full of angels.

-The angel is full of forests, absolutely!

Absolutely! THEY LAUGH

Cut there.

What are you doing? What have you done?

Sorry!

They've improved - they're stronger, more powerful, more brilliant,

more ferocious.

And they're a greater threat...

BIRD CRIES Can you hear that?

Some sort of exotic bird?

A dalek bird, is it?

-What happened?

-We jumped.

-Jumped where?

I'm going got stop, cos my brace has come undone.

So, I'm here with Ed Thomas - the man who makes the TARDIS -

and everything else in Dr Who - look incredible.

-Oh, I've locked us out!

-No!

-Sorry!

Ha! I've locked us out!

-I should be able to hotwire it.

-I'll go round... Oh no!

Hey, Anjli, I'll be counting down my top howlers later, you know.

-But first, I have written a play!

-Oh.

You meet aliens all the time, right? And you're a good actor and that,

so I've made an alien adventure story.

-I wrote it just for you, Anjli.

-Cool. So, er...who do I play?

-You play a lovely girl who is in love.

-OK. And who do you play?

I play a handsome dog who you're in love with.

I'M in love with YOU? Ha!

RECORD SCRATCHES

-Oh, you're being serious.

-Yep - come on - let's go, Anjli!

-OK.

-Come on.

Er, guys...guys!

What about me? Who do I play?

Oh dear, I forgot about you. Er...

You can be the narrator or summat. Wait for me, Anjli!

Daniel, you just stand over there and read it out.

-WE'RE the stars of this play.

-OK.

Anjli had finally got Hacker the dog to agree to go on a date with her.

She was so happy, cos she'd been in love with Hacker for ages.

-It's a good play, in't it, Anjli?

-Er, kind of.

Anjli and Hacker had a lovely time and Anjli was so in love

with Hacker that she gave him a kiss, right on the lips.

-Really?

-It's in the script.

-Fine.

HACKER SMACKS HIS LIPS

But as she did it, something crazy happened.

Hacker transformed, quick as a flash, into an alien.

Oh, yeah - hang on!

CRASHING

Can't find the wretched costume... Ah! Got it!

-Handsome, ain't I, Anjli?

-Sort of.

-Yeah.

Anjli realised that Hacker was really an alien dog.

Oooh, I'm an alien, whoo!

But she was still in love with him. So she said...

"What can I do to turn you back into a handsome dog?"

Simply give me another kiss.

-I'm not kissing him again.

-It's in the script.

-You wrote it!

-Oh yeah!

-So Anjli gave Hacker another big kiss.

HE SMACKS HIS LIPS

But when Anjli kissed him,

alien Hacker got angry and started trying to take over the world.

Yeah. I will take over the world! Ooh, I am an evil alien!

HE RANTS EVILLY

There was only one thing for it - Anjli would have to give Hacker

the biggest, sloppiest snog ever to stop him.

-Yeah...

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-A really big snog.

-Hello?

..a nice big snogerooo... Mwah! Pfft! What the bodges?

-Have you been eating onions?

-Well, I like 'em, yeah.

-I need to have a lie down.

-Daniel...

Anjli! Oh, bodges!

I think we should show something else now I've lost both my guests.

Here's more of me acting.

It's a well-good period drama, but with dogs in it.

It's called Downstairs Abbey.

'I, Dodgina, am in love with my master, Lord Percy,

'and even though I'm just a little maid,

'I hope one day we will be married.'

HE SIGHS

-Lord Percy.

-Ha-ha! You're in love with Lord Percy?

-Well, so are you.

-Oh yeah!

-BELL RINGS

Lord Percy! I'll go, I'll go!

He-he!

Huh! Whoaaaah!

GLASS SMASHES

Ah, girls. I have great news.

Lady Sarah is coming to visit this afternoon

and I'm going to ask for her hand in marriage.

BOTH: Oh!

So, we need to make sure this place is spotless.

Yeah, it does need a good clean, don't it?

-Yeah.

-And you two are my cleaners. So GET GOING!

Hackerella, we've got to stop this,

or HE will end up marrying Lady Sarah.

Dodgina, its time for...a rumour.

HE WHISPERS

Oooh!

Hackerella - here she comes! Quick, hide!

SHE GASPS He what?

Lord Percy!

Why have you been spreading such vile rumours about me?

-What rumours?

-It has been said that you think that I smell.

And that my father is a thief. And that I have a face...like the moon.

W-W-Well..the truth is, Lady Sarah, I do think those things.

-What?!

-Er, yes, I think you smell...lovely.

-Oh.

-I think your father IS a thief...

-He stole the stars from heaven and put them in your eyes.

-Oh!

-And I think you have a face like the moon.

-Ah!

It is mysterious...and magical.

Oh, Lord Percy.

Plus, it's big and round and full of craters!

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned it before. You're a proper moonie-face!

Moonie! Moonie in the roomie!

-Oh, Lord Percy!

-What? No! Lady Sarah! No, come back!

-Oh, she's gone.

-There, there, Lord Percy.

Yeah. It'll be all right.

-Hackerella?

-Yeah?

-Would you do something for me?

-Anything, Lord Percy!

-I've forgotten my hanky!

-Pft! Oh!

-PFFFFFFFTT!

HE SOBS

All over me neck!

Yeah, it's not bad, but it's no Sarah Jane Adventures, is it, Danny?

-Y'all right, cockers? Look at this!

-Hacker! Where did you get that from?

It was just lying round in your bag, Anjli.

I thought, "Ooh, just my colour."

That's Sarah Jane's sonic lipstick.

-We need that to save the world from evil aliens.

-Oh, bodges.

-Give that here.

-Eh! Oh... Thanks for coming, you were great.

Ha-ha! What a nice couple. See ya!

Ffft! Get that lippy off.

Anyway, now it's time to look at some weird moments

from around the world.

It's Hacker's top five alien howlers!

Five! My first alien howler is this man who has gone all alieny. Look!

Oooh! Look at his massive forehead!

Four!

What would you do if you saw an alien in a park?

Would you jump out of your skin, like this lot?

-There's an alien there.

-LAUGHTER

Eh... What could happen next? Oh, run away!

Run away!

He's got big eyes.

What a load of Charlies that lot are.

Three!

In at three, you'll love this one.

It's a spooky thing I found where a cow gets abducted by aliens. Whoo!

That cow's going up! Ooh, look, it's the ultimate milkshake! Ha-ha!

Arf!

Ain't that good?

But I wonder where the cow went?

-CRASH!

-Ow!

-Moo!

Ooh, me nonsense!

Two!

Uh! Right - we don't know much about aliens, do we?

But I do know something - they're good at dancing. Look!

ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC

Look at him move! Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!

And one!

My favourite clip today has got a dog in it,

because dogs are dead good an' that.

But this one is an alien - look!

LAUGHTER

That's my favourite alien howler. Well done, alien dog.

That's all I've got time for today - what a lovely show!

And thanks to Daniel and Anjli for getting amongst it.

And we got through the whole show without an alien invasion

or anything!

-SPOOKY MUSIC

-Ooh. Derek, stop messing about!

It's nothing to do with me, cockers.

Oh...

If it's not you and it's not me, then who's making that noise?

Oh, bodges! Help! An alien! What do you want from me?

Can you lend me 20p for the bus fare home, please?

What? Is that it?

-Get out of it, man! I've got a song to do.

-How very, very rude.

Hit it! Oh...

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav now so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one!

# We did some aliens things today with Daniel and Anjli

# They were lovely the show was great

# But I've got to leave now because I need a wee

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time! #

That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Oooh, thank you!