Steve Backshall Hacker Time


Steve Backshall

Hacker T Dog has managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker tricks 'Deadly' Steve Backshall into the studio. Plus, a trip back to Downstairs Abbey.


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Transcript


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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this!

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# My, my, my, my problem hits you

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# So hard, makes me say "Oh, my word"

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# Thank you for watching me

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# It's telly but not what your numbers say

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# It feels good Take one, take two, sit back

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# Don't read too much

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# This is the show that you can't touch, Hacker Time! #

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Thank you.

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Yeah, all right? I'm Hacker T Dog off the telly and that.

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And this is my right good telly show.

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Coming up today, I've got this...

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Plenty of this. And some of them.

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But first, I'm going to start with...

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-MUSIC PLAYS

-Stop that!

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Stop that. Not yet. Not yet! Yeah.

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I'm going to start this show off with a big song and dance.

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That sounds good.

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-MUSIC PLAYS

-Stop that! I'm not ready yet! Right. Yeah...

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-I've written this song myself...

-MUSIC STARTS

-Wait!

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-Will you please just wait!

-Wait?

-Yes, wait.

-Whatever you say.

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Right, yes. So where was I?

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It's not as simple as you just saying private is bad and public is good?

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Absolutely not.

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On this occasion, we can actually

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look at the experiences that we have...

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-LAUGHTER

-Did Pippa's horse just pass wind?

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-It does it when goes over jumps.

-Really? That's hilarious.

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LOUD PARP

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Oh! That was some nonsense. More of that later.

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But now it's time for this show's victim...I mean guest.

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Animal genius Steve Backshall will be here soon.

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Steve's coming!

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-Fancy a game of snap?

-Go on.

-It's Mr Backshall to you, Derek.

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What's that? 61st deadliest animal? But there's only 60?

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I've got to see this.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Backshall! Hi, Steve.

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-Steve, hello. Where are you? Steve. Steve Backshall! Steve!

-Hacker!

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-Hacker! I'm over here.

-How did you get over there?

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-I'm like a ninja, Hacker. I just snuck right past you.

-Oh, yeah!

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Hacks! Hacks! Where's this deadly animal then?

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-It's in the little box, Steve.

-What, in this matchbox? That makes sense.

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Some of the most dangerous animals in the world are only very small.

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Oh, yes. Have a look in here. It's a deadly flea!

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Give over, I thought it was a scorpion or black widow spider

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or something.

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Oh, no! It's jumped on your head, Steve!

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Don't panic, they're completely harmless. Although...actually...ah!

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Oh, that's really quite nippy.

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All right. Fair enough. But it's still not deadly. I'm off.

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You're going nowhere, baby! Lock the doors!

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What's going on? Have you locked me in?

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Ah, Steve, please stay and be on my show.

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I'm a busy man. The only reason I'd stay here

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is if you've genuinely got a deadly animal here.

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-Deadlier than that flea, anyway.

-Yeah, yeah. Sure I have.

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-I've got one. I'll show it to you later.

-All right. OK.

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-I'll stick around.

-Now, let's find out more about you.

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-Steve, press that button!

-What, this one?

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Steve is a fully-working human man, one of the better ones.

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Nice shirt, Steve!

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He's got loads of info about animals,

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and he's always looking at them. Look at his eye! It's gone massive!

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But usually, he's getting among deadly ones like this.

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That's not deadly. That's better. Watch out, Steve!

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That snake might have a nibble on your nonsense!

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I don't know why he's always looking at animals.

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Why doesn't he look at shoes? Or a bit of cake?

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Anyway, here's Steve Backshall.

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So, Steven, you're known for talking about animals, aren't you?

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-And you're pretty good at it.

-Thank you very much.

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I've done it for a long time. I've filmed thousands of species,

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been to deserts, mountains...

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Whatever, Steven. That sounds great. Amazing.

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But I'd say that I'm better-er than you. Have a look at this.

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Welcome to the Better-er Arena.

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This is where I make stuff better-er in a few simple steps.

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Today, it's animal shows.

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Why waste your pennies going to the real jungle

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when the jungle can come to you?

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Man servants! Bring the...

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Hey, be careful! That got me right in the face!

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Put some leaves up there. Get your foliage evenly distributed.

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They've done this before. Eh, that's good that. Perfect.

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It's like I'm really there now. What next?

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Jungles also need noises... Cue the scary animal noises!

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Quack, quack! Quack, quack! Quack, quack! Quack, quack!

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-Quack! Quack!

-Come on, you people.

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Why are you being a dolphin and a duck in the jungle?

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What's wrong with that? All I can do is dolphins.

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I'm not just doing any duck -

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I'm the lesser spotted Fijian mallard.

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Very exotic.

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-Yeah.

-You two have ruined this for me!

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So, has Backshall ever found a duck or a dolphin in the jungle? No.

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Now, on my animal show,

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I don't just hold the animals like that softy Backshall.

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I wrestle them! Send in the mighty beast! What the...? Who are you?

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You're not ferocious.

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-I'm not ferocious, but I do make a mean flan.

-A flan?

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Take that, you mooey! Now, come here!

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-Next, I'll take them all on!

-Maaaaa! Maaa!

-Too easy, easy, easy.

-Maaaa!

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-Ma!

-Is that all you've got, animal world?

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You sicken me with your weaknesses! Come on, I'll take any of you!

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What now? Another challenger? What is it this time?

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-A pathetic-yet-cute bunny rabbit?

-GROWLING

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Interesting. I suppose you never want to get

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on the bad side of a bear like that, do you?

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What's up with you?

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I just remembered that thing you did.

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-And I am livid with you.

-What are you talking about?

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About the time you BURST MY BALLOON!

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I'll have a play with my little balloon...

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# La, la la la la-la. #

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Hey, Steve Backshall. Do you want to play with my water balloon?

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Hey, what you doing with them tweezers?

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Steve, be careful with that!

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Don't put it near a little yellow snake like you always do!

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Let's see what happens.

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-Steve! That was the only water balloon I had left!

-Ha ha ha!

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-That was amazing.

-It wasn't amazing, it was bad behaviour.

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Sit, Steve. Well, Steve. What do you have to say about that then?

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That wasn't me...I promise. It wasn't. Hacker, I'll tell you what.

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-I'll get you another balloon.

-A new balloon?

-Yes.

-Can it be a pink one?

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If you want a pink one, we'll get you a pink one. Stop, stop!

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-It's Hacker Time! Shouldn't we finish the show?

-Do we have to?

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-I think it'd be a good idea, yes.

-Fine. All right, then.

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Steven, I've got a few questions for you.

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-You spend a lot of time looking for animals, don't you?

-Yes.

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What's wrong with you? Don't you like people?

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-Not very much, no. Oh!

-Have you ever grappled a badger?

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-No.

-How about a chaffinch?

-No.

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-How about an albatross?

-No.

-A coot?

-No!

-A llama?

-No!

-A herring?

-No!

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-A salamander?

-Yes.

-Really?

-No!

-Oh!

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What animals have you grappled with?

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-I haven't grappled with anything.

-What sort of animal man are you?

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You've let me right down, you have.

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-Who invited this mooey on my telly show?

-You did, Mr Hacker.

-Oh, yeah!

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You're a great guest, Steven. Whoever invited you on was a genius.

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-Thank you very much.

-That's enough of that nonsense now.

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It's time for some other nonsense - it's more of my howlers!

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You've got to watch this. Go on, then.

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You might recognise some of these, Steven.

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This time on Deadly 60, we're in the Philippines. Ha, ha, ha.

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This time on Deadly 60, we're in the Philippines.

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This time on Deadly 60, we're... Oh! This time...

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Bless you.

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Woah! They can make themselves...

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LOUD PARP

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Out there are all of Africa's bad boys. All of them?

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Don't know what I'm talking about now.

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All of Africa's bad boys are out there...

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Bad boys of African wildlife. Bad boy of Africa's wildlife.

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Sorry! All of Africa's bad boys... Oh!

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The rest of the day... Ba ba ba ba ba!

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To get closer to our next deadly animals, we're going to use...

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-Watch your step, Steve.

-Right, I meant to do that!

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Respect, that's for sure, and maybe be frightened of them.

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But our next step... Ha ha ha ha!

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Please tell me you were rolling! Please tell me you were rolling!

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Just purely with the force of gravity...

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I've completely destroyed this antique skull.

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Quick! Ha ha ha!

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What did you think of that howler, Steve?

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-Did you howl like a wolf?

-Wolves don't howl

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because they're laughing.

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They're communicating over distances.

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All right, Steve. Stop showing off.

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Every time! You can't help yourself! Now, Steve, listen.

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I have some more questions for you. Take them seriously.

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This is proper and that.

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-Spotlight, please, Herman! There it is.

-That's a bit bright!

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All right, get over it. What is your favourite animal?

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-Actually, it's a wolf.

-Oh, can you do impression of one?

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-Ohhhhhhh! Ruff, ruff, ruff! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

-Is he all right?

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If you could combine two animals, what would they be, Steve?

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I'd probably stick a great white shark's head onto a budgerigar.

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-What would you call that?

-I dunno. A budgeri...gate?

-Very good.

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That's what you say, but you're not real.

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You're a man off the telly.

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I'm going to go and see what real people in the real world think.

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They actually matter, you know. Unlike YOU! That's right.

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I'm going to speak to some small human people about animals

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and get answers to some very important questions and that.

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They're in there. Let's just get in.

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Excuse me, would you open that door for me, please? Thanks.

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-I don't even know who that is. Hello, everyone!

-Hello, Hacker!

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Today, I'm going to ask you all about animals.

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I'm going to start off over here, OK?

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-What's your favourite animal?

-A tiger.

-A tiger? Why, what do they do?

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-They scare you and you run away.

-They do scare me.

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-I would run away from them. Would you?

-Yes.

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You would, wouldn't you? Hello, what's your favourite animal?

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-A dog. A

-dog? Oh, I'm not that keen on...

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Wait a minute, I'm a doggy. Who can do an impression of an animal?

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Raaaar!

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-What's your favourite animal?

-A cat.

-I don't like cats.

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-Do you know why?

-Why?

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Because I'm allergic to them. And they make me... Achoo!

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Oh, no. I'm going to speak to some other little friends over there.

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I'd like you all to draw your two favourite animals

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combined into one ultimate animal.

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That's my one, right. It's a dog...and a duck. Oh, that's good.

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Come on, we've not got all day.

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OK, time is up! What is it?

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A cat and a butterfly.

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A cat and a butterfly - that's good. What noise does it make?

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-"Woof woof."

-It'd go, "Woof! Woof! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

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What's your one? An elephant and a flamingo.

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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"Flap, flap, flap", I'd imagine. I'm not an expert. What's your one?

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-I made a cat and a bat.

-Cat and a bat?

-Mmmm-hmmm.

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Sort of rhymes, at least, don't they? What's your favourite animal?

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-My favourite animal is a puppy and a pony.

-A puppy? Like me?

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-Yeah, you're so cute.

-Thanks.

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And I like your cardigan, it's a lovely shade of grey.

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BOY GROWLS

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I've never seen anything like that.

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HACKER WAILS

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-That sounds like a baby.

-No, it was a seagull.

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I can do that.

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HACKER SNEEZES

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If you clap your hands together, it sounds like a horse's hooves,

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doesn't it? Can you do that?

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Thank you! So, there you go. That's what everyone in the world thinks.

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Now, back to me in the studio.

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What? Uh-oh, I am me. Oh, no.

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Thank you.

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Steven! I have returned from my travels...Look at that.

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That little button there's nice.

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That looks like it could do with a little push. Argh, do not push!

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If I give it a little push, it wouldn't do it any harm, would it?

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Let's have a little...a little...a little go!

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-Oh...

-Is that you?

-Coming, Steve.

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What? This is a disaster.

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All the power's gone off in my house.

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What about the polar bear in the freezer?

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This is a nightmare. You're not going to believe this, mate.

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All the electricity's gone out everywhere.

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You haven't got anything to do with this?

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It wasn't me. I didn't push the button.

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You can't prove anything. I've got an alibi!

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-What button?

-The... Oh, nothing, Steve. Nothing.

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Let's have a look what's coming up next. Derek, the menu, please!

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-That got it.

-Still to come on Hacker Time - this...

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This... And this.

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What are they doing in there, Derek? Quick! Play some howlers!

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Look, here's my mate, Frank.

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-He thinks he's a skateboarder.

-Oh, look.

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He's running FERRET... For it, a little joke.

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Aren't cats stupid? Look at that. This one's vacuuming his nose.

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Look at the size of that! That's going to need a big cat to catch it.

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Oh, look. A rabbit playing football! Whatever next?

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A monkey attacking a woman with a green cap on.

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Oh, look! There's a back-flipping hamster and a rapping cat.

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Oh, go on, rabbit. Teach him a lesson. Get him! Go on.

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Chase him, that'll learn him. Hey, look! A couple of goats on a horse!

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They must be kidding! Don't brush up the dog, madam.

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Oh, I know him. He used to play for Tranmere Rovers.

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Oh, look, there's a little cat chasing a car. Oh, bodges.

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Hey, look, that dog's taking that dog for a walk. Oh, look! Duck feet.

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"I can't get on the plane? Why not?" "Cos you're a duck."

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It's fallen down in the water. Open the door. Let me out.

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Let me out! I've got to go to the lav.

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It's going to go everywhere... Oh, thank you.

0:18:140:18:17

-What did you think of that, Steven?

-Yeah, that was pretty good.

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But you promised me deadly animals. I haven't seen any yet, so...I'm off.

0:18:240:18:29

Steve, sit down!

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Sit yourself down. Are you calling me a liar?!

0:18:300:18:33

I haven't seen any deadly animals so...

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Keep your knick-knacks on.

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Your deadly animal is coming right up.

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Cover your eyes, Steven.

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Keep them covered! Man servant, bring in the deadly animal! Oh!

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Oh, there you go, Steve! Look at that!

0:18:480:18:51

-Hacker, it's Barney, the Blue Peter dog.

-Oh, Steven, how rude.

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Barney is a deadly animal, look at him.

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He's about the least-deadly thing I've ever seen.

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If you think he's deadly, why don't you put him to the deadly test?

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This is Barney. He is a dog.

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He's a sleepy little fellow and he likes a good nap.

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And he likes a good trump. Yes, he's seriously windy.

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Plus he likes going to the park. Not for the swings, but to go lav-lav.

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Fascinating, Hacker, but that doesn't score him much for size,

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speed or weapons.

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So I'm afraid Barney the dog is undeadly.

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What, he's not deadly?

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Hacker, he's one of the least deadly creatures I've ever seen.

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Hey, you've let me right down, you have.

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This is a disaster, Steve, what am I going to do?

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As you've got Barney here, how about you interview him?

0:19:460:19:49

OK, yeah. I will do. What do you think of my telly show?

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The best telly show ever? Oh, Barney, you make me blush.

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What's that? Of course you can have my autograph.

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Do you want one from Steve as well? No? OK, fair enough.

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You do like Steve, though, don't you? Ha ha!

0:20:060:20:09

-You can't say that about Steve. How rude!

-What did he say?

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I won't say it. It's far too rude. I'm shocked.

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He might be rude, but he's still not deadly. I'm off.

0:20:180:20:22

Hey, wait! I've got something to show you.

0:20:220:20:26

-Something with animals in it.

-Animals? Tell me more.

-All right.

0:20:260:20:31

I thought, "There aren't enough dogs on TV",

0:20:310:20:33

so I've made a programme with a dog in it.

0:20:330:20:35

Is that dog you, by any chance?

0:20:350:20:38

It's Downstairs Abbey! You've got to watch it!

0:20:380:20:41

You can watch it too, Barney.

0:20:410:20:43

I, Hackerella, am right in love.

0:20:510:20:54

I hope that one day I will be married to my master, Lord Percy.

0:20:540:21:00

And to show my love, I'm folding his knick-knacks. Ah, Lord Percy.

0:21:000:21:07

-Oh, Lord Percy...

-Hey, I've told you before.

0:21:090:21:13

-You can't be in love him too.

-BELL RINGS

0:21:130:21:17

-Lord Percy! I'll go! Oh!

-Tripped over his knick-knacks.

0:21:190:21:24

Ah, girls. There you are. We have a visitor coming this afternoon.

0:21:290:21:34

-The most beautiful lady in all the county.

-But I'm already here!

0:21:340:21:39

I am, of course, talking about Lady Sarah.

0:21:390:21:44

-Oh...

-And I've just found out

0:21:440:21:47

that she loves cats, so I'll impress her with my cat photographs.

0:21:470:21:52

-Oh, that's horrible!

-Oh, no, make it stop.

0:21:520:21:55

How dare you? Get out of my sight!

0:21:550:21:58

-Hackerella, what are we going to do?

-I have a plan.

-Tell me, what is it?

0:22:000:22:06

-I'm not going to dress up like a cat.

-Yes, you are.

0:22:090:22:12

-Never going to happen.

-Yes, it is.

0:22:120:22:15

-No!

-Yes.

-I will not be a cat! I'm never going to be a cat.

0:22:150:22:18

-It's not going to happen.

-Yes, you will.

0:22:180:22:20

-No, I will not. What the...? How did this happen?

-Ha ha, get in there.

0:22:200:22:25

-Oh!

-Ha ha ha ha ha.

0:22:250:22:30

Meow!

0:22:300:22:32

Dodgina, why are you dressed as a cat?

0:22:320:22:35

WATER SPLASHES Stop that! You dirty animal!

0:22:350:22:39

-You disgust me! I hate you!

-Lord Percy, what are you doing

0:22:390:22:45

to this poor, defenceless girl?

0:22:450:22:48

-You come with me. I'll look after you.

-No, no, no.

0:22:500:22:55

That's not a cat. It's a dog dressed as a cat!

0:22:550:23:01

Oh, oh! She's gone.

0:23:010:23:03

She's gone! Oh, will I ever find true love?!

0:23:030:23:08

Sure you will, Lord Percy.

0:23:080:23:11

Sure you will.

0:23:110:23:12

You're right, Hackerella. You're right. I need you.

0:23:120:23:18

-Oh, Lord Percy.

-I need you to clean up Dodgina's lav-lav.

0:23:180:23:23

I'm going after Lady Sarah.

0:23:250:23:28

But it's gone everywhere. ..Oh, bodges.

0:23:280:23:32

Well, wasn't that a strong piece of drama. Steve?

0:23:340:23:37

That's almost the end of the show now. Thanks for coming.

0:23:370:23:41

-That's all right. And I've forgiven you for tricking me as well.

-Thanks.

0:23:410:23:46

ROAR!

0:23:460:23:47

-What the bodges is that?

-It's the tiger. I thought I'd bring in

0:23:470:23:52

-something impressive to give you a strong finish to the show.

-Nah.

0:23:520:23:56

"Nah"? The Bengal tiger is the largest of all the big cats.

0:23:560:24:00

It's a truly ferocious beast, with canine teeth as long as your finger.

0:24:000:24:04

-Well, my finger anyway.

-Excuse me, Steve, do you mind?

0:24:040:24:07

You can get rid of that tiger and get out of it while you're at it.

0:24:070:24:12

-What? Some thanks that is.

-Yeah. Bye, Steve! What a lovely man. Sit!

0:24:120:24:18

Sit down. You're being unsavoury here.

0:24:180:24:21

I'm really sorry, Herman, but Hacker doesn't want the tiger.

0:24:210:24:25

-I think you'll have to release it into the wild.

-OK, Mr Backshall.

0:24:250:24:29

Come on, Mr Tiger. Let's get you home.

0:24:290:24:33

Oh, bodges.

0:24:350:24:36

Lovely man, that Steve.

0:24:360:24:39

It's time for my favourite animal LOLS from around the world.

0:24:390:24:43

It's Hacker's Top Animal Howlers.

0:24:430:24:46

At number five, my mate Clive doing an impression of a siren.

0:24:500:24:54

DOG MAKES SIREN SOUND

0:24:540:24:57

Isn't he good?

0:24:570:24:59

It's getting a bit old now. You can stop it now!

0:25:000:25:05

Give it a rest, will ya! Zip it!

0:25:050:25:07

At number four, it's time for a bit of exercise.

0:25:090:25:12

Normally, it's just you humans that go to the gym,

0:25:120:25:15

but take a look at this.

0:25:150:25:17

Look at him go. Work those buns, Mr Cat.

0:25:170:25:21

You're not going very fast!

0:25:210:25:24

-Why not try a bit faster?

-Meow!

-No? You lazy mooey!

0:25:240:25:29

In at three, here's another of my little doggy friends.

0:25:310:25:34

Well, she's not that little.

0:25:340:25:36

-I love you...

-DOG: I love you.

0:25:360:25:39

-I love you!

-DOG: I love you.

-Good girl.

0:25:390:25:42

-DOG: I love you.

-I love you!

-DOG: I love you.

0:25:420:25:47

Speak properly, will you?

0:25:470:25:50

If only everyone could speak good like what I do and that.

0:25:500:25:54

At number two is something I love. Trampolining.

0:25:550:26:00

But have you ever seen a wild beast on a trampoline? You have now.

0:26:000:26:05

Hang on, that's my trampoline. Get off it, with your filthy paws!

0:26:150:26:19

And at number one,

0:26:210:26:22

my favourite howler of the week is an animal going on a trip.

0:26:220:26:26

What a mooey. Hey, Mr Deer, where's my postcard?

0:26:330:26:36

That is the best one, that.

0:26:360:26:38

And that's all of my howlers for this week.

0:26:380:26:41

I hope you liked them and that.

0:26:410:26:43

That's all I've got time for today.

0:26:430:26:46

I could go on, but I've got better things to be doing.

0:26:460:26:49

Thanks to animal genius Stevie Backshall for joining me

0:26:490:26:52

of his own free will.

0:26:520:26:54

We've just got time now for my brilliant song.

0:26:540:26:57

Goodbye!

0:26:570:26:58

# That is it for now the end of the show

0:27:020:27:04

# I need the lav now so I'm going to go

0:27:040:27:08

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:080:27:09

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

0:27:090:27:12

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

0:27:120:27:14

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

0:27:140:27:16

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

0:27:160:27:19

# Who needs other telly shows mine's the best one

0:27:190:27:21

# Steve Backshall, the animal man

0:27:210:27:23

# Was my guest today

0:27:230:27:26

# Showed him Barney the deadly dog

0:27:260:27:28

# But he didn't look impressed so he could not stay

0:27:280:27:31

# That is it for now the end of the show

0:27:310:27:33

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:330:27:36

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:360:27:38

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

0:27:380:27:40

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

0:27:400:27:43

# And that is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

0:27:430:27:44

Hacker gives his unique take on animal programmes and tricks 'Deadly' Steve Backshall into the studio. Featuring comedy guests and outtakes from other programmes. Plus, a trip back to Downstairs Abbey.


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