Steve Backshall Hacker Time

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# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my problem hits you

# So hard, makes me say "Oh, my word"

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# It's telly but not what your numbers say

# It feels good Take one, take two, sit back

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# This is the show that you can't touch, Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

Yeah, all right? I'm Hacker T Dog off the telly and that.

And this is my right good telly show.

Coming up today, I've got this...

Plenty of this. And some of them.

But first, I'm going to start with...

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Stop that!

Stop that. Not yet. Not yet! Yeah.

I'm going to start this show off with a big song and dance.

That sounds good.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Stop that! I'm not ready yet! Right. Yeah...

-I've written this song myself...

-MUSIC STARTS

-Wait!

-Will you please just wait!

-Wait?

-Yes, wait.

-Whatever you say.

Right, yes. So where was I?

It's not as simple as you just saying private is bad and public is good?

Absolutely not.

On this occasion, we can actually

look at the experiences that we have...

-LAUGHTER

-Did Pippa's horse just pass wind?

-It does it when goes over jumps.

-Really? That's hilarious.

LOUD PARP

Oh! That was some nonsense. More of that later.

But now it's time for this show's victim...I mean guest.

Animal genius Steve Backshall will be here soon.

Steve's coming!

-Fancy a game of snap?

-Go on.

-It's Mr Backshall to you, Derek.

What's that? 61st deadliest animal? But there's only 60?

I've got to see this.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Backshall! Hi, Steve.

-Steve, hello. Where are you? Steve. Steve Backshall! Steve!

-Hacker!

-Hacker! I'm over here.

-How did you get over there?

-I'm like a ninja, Hacker. I just snuck right past you.

-Oh, yeah!

Hacks! Hacks! Where's this deadly animal then?

-It's in the little box, Steve.

-What, in this matchbox? That makes sense.

Some of the most dangerous animals in the world are only very small.

Oh, yes. Have a look in here. It's a deadly flea!

Give over, I thought it was a scorpion or black widow spider

or something.

Oh, no! It's jumped on your head, Steve!

Don't panic, they're completely harmless. Although...actually...ah!

Oh, that's really quite nippy.

All right. Fair enough. But it's still not deadly. I'm off.

You're going nowhere, baby! Lock the doors!

What's going on? Have you locked me in?

Ah, Steve, please stay and be on my show.

I'm a busy man. The only reason I'd stay here

is if you've genuinely got a deadly animal here.

-Deadlier than that flea, anyway.

-Yeah, yeah. Sure I have.

-I've got one. I'll show it to you later.

-All right. OK.

-I'll stick around.

-Now, let's find out more about you.

-Steve, press that button!

-What, this one?

Steve is a fully-working human man, one of the better ones.

Nice shirt, Steve!

He's got loads of info about animals,

and he's always looking at them. Look at his eye! It's gone massive!

But usually, he's getting among deadly ones like this.

That's not deadly. That's better. Watch out, Steve!

That snake might have a nibble on your nonsense!

I don't know why he's always looking at animals.

Why doesn't he look at shoes? Or a bit of cake?

Anyway, here's Steve Backshall.

So, Steven, you're known for talking about animals, aren't you?

-And you're pretty good at it.

-Thank you very much.

I've done it for a long time. I've filmed thousands of species,

been to deserts, mountains...

Whatever, Steven. That sounds great. Amazing.

But I'd say that I'm better-er than you. Have a look at this.

Welcome to the Better-er Arena.

This is where I make stuff better-er in a few simple steps.

Today, it's animal shows.

Why waste your pennies going to the real jungle

when the jungle can come to you?

Man servants! Bring the...

Hey, be careful! That got me right in the face!

Put some leaves up there. Get your foliage evenly distributed.

They've done this before. Eh, that's good that. Perfect.

It's like I'm really there now. What next?

Jungles also need noises... Cue the scary animal noises!

Quack, quack! Quack, quack! Quack, quack! Quack, quack!

-Quack! Quack!

-Come on, you people.

Why are you being a dolphin and a duck in the jungle?

What's wrong with that? All I can do is dolphins.

I'm not just doing any duck -

I'm the lesser spotted Fijian mallard.

Very exotic.

-Yeah.

-You two have ruined this for me!

So, has Backshall ever found a duck or a dolphin in the jungle? No.

Now, on my animal show,

I don't just hold the animals like that softy Backshall.

I wrestle them! Send in the mighty beast! What the...? Who are you?

You're not ferocious.

-I'm not ferocious, but I do make a mean flan.

-A flan?

Take that, you mooey! Now, come here!

-Next, I'll take them all on!

-Maaaaa! Maaa!

-Too easy, easy, easy.

-Maaaa!

-Ma!

-Is that all you've got, animal world?

You sicken me with your weaknesses! Come on, I'll take any of you!

What now? Another challenger? What is it this time?

-A pathetic-yet-cute bunny rabbit?

-GROWLING

Interesting. I suppose you never want to get

on the bad side of a bear like that, do you?

What's up with you?

I just remembered that thing you did.

-And I am livid with you.

-What are you talking about?

About the time you BURST MY BALLOON!

I'll have a play with my little balloon...

# La, la la la la-la. #

Hey, Steve Backshall. Do you want to play with my water balloon?

Hey, what you doing with them tweezers?

Steve, be careful with that!

Don't put it near a little yellow snake like you always do!

Let's see what happens.

-Steve! That was the only water balloon I had left!

-Ha ha ha!

-That was amazing.

-It wasn't amazing, it was bad behaviour.

Sit, Steve. Well, Steve. What do you have to say about that then?

That wasn't me...I promise. It wasn't. Hacker, I'll tell you what.

-I'll get you another balloon.

-A new balloon?

-Yes.

-Can it be a pink one?

If you want a pink one, we'll get you a pink one. Stop, stop!

-It's Hacker Time! Shouldn't we finish the show?

-Do we have to?

-I think it'd be a good idea, yes.

-Fine. All right, then.

Steven, I've got a few questions for you.

-You spend a lot of time looking for animals, don't you?

-Yes.

What's wrong with you? Don't you like people?

-Not very much, no. Oh!

-Have you ever grappled a badger?

-No.

-How about a chaffinch?

-No.

-How about an albatross?

-No.

-A coot?

-No!

-A llama?

-No!

-A herring?

-No!

-A salamander?

-Yes.

-Really?

-No!

-Oh!

What animals have you grappled with?

-I haven't grappled with anything.

-What sort of animal man are you?

You've let me right down, you have.

-Who invited this mooey on my telly show?

-You did, Mr Hacker.

-Oh, yeah!

You're a great guest, Steven. Whoever invited you on was a genius.

-Thank you very much.

-That's enough of that nonsense now.

It's time for some other nonsense - it's more of my howlers!

You've got to watch this. Go on, then.

You might recognise some of these, Steven.

This time on Deadly 60, we're in the Philippines. Ha, ha, ha.

This time on Deadly 60, we're in the Philippines.

This time on Deadly 60, we're... Oh! This time...

Bless you.

Woah! They can make themselves...

LOUD PARP

Out there are all of Africa's bad boys. All of them?

Don't know what I'm talking about now.

All of Africa's bad boys are out there...

Bad boys of African wildlife. Bad boy of Africa's wildlife.

Sorry! All of Africa's bad boys... Oh!

The rest of the day... Ba ba ba ba ba!

To get closer to our next deadly animals, we're going to use...

-Watch your step, Steve.

-Right, I meant to do that!

Respect, that's for sure, and maybe be frightened of them.

But our next step... Ha ha ha ha!

Please tell me you were rolling! Please tell me you were rolling!

Just purely with the force of gravity...

I've completely destroyed this antique skull.

Quick! Ha ha ha!

What did you think of that howler, Steve?

-Did you howl like a wolf?

-Wolves don't howl

because they're laughing.

They're communicating over distances.

All right, Steve. Stop showing off.

Every time! You can't help yourself! Now, Steve, listen.

I have some more questions for you. Take them seriously.

This is proper and that.

-Spotlight, please, Herman! There it is.

-That's a bit bright!

All right, get over it. What is your favourite animal?

-Actually, it's a wolf.

-Oh, can you do impression of one?

-Ohhhhhhh! Ruff, ruff, ruff! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

-Is he all right?

If you could combine two animals, what would they be, Steve?

I'd probably stick a great white shark's head onto a budgerigar.

-What would you call that?

-I dunno. A budgeri...gate?

-Very good.

That's what you say, but you're not real.

You're a man off the telly.

I'm going to go and see what real people in the real world think.

They actually matter, you know. Unlike YOU! That's right.

I'm going to speak to some small human people about animals

and get answers to some very important questions and that.

They're in there. Let's just get in.

Excuse me, would you open that door for me, please? Thanks.

-I don't even know who that is. Hello, everyone!

-Hello, Hacker!

Today, I'm going to ask you all about animals.

I'm going to start off over here, OK?

-What's your favourite animal?

-A tiger.

-A tiger? Why, what do they do?

-They scare you and you run away.

-They do scare me.

-I would run away from them. Would you?

-Yes.

You would, wouldn't you? Hello, what's your favourite animal?

-A dog. A

-dog? Oh, I'm not that keen on...

Wait a minute, I'm a doggy. Who can do an impression of an animal?

Raaaar!

-What's your favourite animal?

-A cat.

-I don't like cats.

-Do you know why?

-Why?

Because I'm allergic to them. And they make me... Achoo!

Oh, no. I'm going to speak to some other little friends over there.

I'd like you all to draw your two favourite animals

combined into one ultimate animal.

That's my one, right. It's a dog...and a duck. Oh, that's good.

Come on, we've not got all day.

OK, time is up! What is it?

A cat and a butterfly.

A cat and a butterfly - that's good. What noise does it make?

-"Woof woof."

-It'd go, "Woof! Woof! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

What's your one? An elephant and a flamingo.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

"Flap, flap, flap", I'd imagine. I'm not an expert. What's your one?

-I made a cat and a bat.

-Cat and a bat?

-Mmmm-hmmm.

Sort of rhymes, at least, don't they? What's your favourite animal?

-My favourite animal is a puppy and a pony.

-A puppy? Like me?

-Yeah, you're so cute.

-Thanks.

And I like your cardigan, it's a lovely shade of grey.

BOY GROWLS

I've never seen anything like that.

HACKER WAILS

-That sounds like a baby.

-No, it was a seagull.

I can do that.

HACKER SNEEZES

If you clap your hands together, it sounds like a horse's hooves,

doesn't it? Can you do that?

Thank you! So, there you go. That's what everyone in the world thinks.

Now, back to me in the studio.

What? Uh-oh, I am me. Oh, no.

Thank you.

Steven! I have returned from my travels...Look at that.

That little button there's nice.

That looks like it could do with a little push. Argh, do not push!

If I give it a little push, it wouldn't do it any harm, would it?

Let's have a little...a little...a little go!

-Oh...

-Is that you?

-Coming, Steve.

What? This is a disaster.

All the power's gone off in my house.

What about the polar bear in the freezer?

This is a nightmare. You're not going to believe this, mate.

All the electricity's gone out everywhere.

You haven't got anything to do with this?

It wasn't me. I didn't push the button.

You can't prove anything. I've got an alibi!

-What button?

-The... Oh, nothing, Steve. Nothing.

Let's have a look what's coming up next. Derek, the menu, please!

-That got it.

-Still to come on Hacker Time - this...

This... And this.

What are they doing in there, Derek? Quick! Play some howlers!

Look, here's my mate, Frank.

-He thinks he's a skateboarder.

-Oh, look.

He's running FERRET... For it, a little joke.

Aren't cats stupid? Look at that. This one's vacuuming his nose.

Look at the size of that! That's going to need a big cat to catch it.

Oh, look. A rabbit playing football! Whatever next?

A monkey attacking a woman with a green cap on.

Oh, look! There's a back-flipping hamster and a rapping cat.

Oh, go on, rabbit. Teach him a lesson. Get him! Go on.

Chase him, that'll learn him. Hey, look! A couple of goats on a horse!

They must be kidding! Don't brush up the dog, madam.

Oh, I know him. He used to play for Tranmere Rovers.

Oh, look, there's a little cat chasing a car. Oh, bodges.

Hey, look, that dog's taking that dog for a walk. Oh, look! Duck feet.

"I can't get on the plane? Why not?" "Cos you're a duck."

It's fallen down in the water. Open the door. Let me out.

Let me out! I've got to go to the lav.

It's going to go everywhere... Oh, thank you.

-What did you think of that, Steven?

-Yeah, that was pretty good.

But you promised me deadly animals. I haven't seen any yet, so...I'm off.

Steve, sit down!

Sit yourself down. Are you calling me a liar?!

I haven't seen any deadly animals so...

Keep your knick-knacks on.

Your deadly animal is coming right up.

Cover your eyes, Steven.

Keep them covered! Man servant, bring in the deadly animal! Oh!

Oh, there you go, Steve! Look at that!

-Hacker, it's Barney, the Blue Peter dog.

-Oh, Steven, how rude.

Barney is a deadly animal, look at him.

He's about the least-deadly thing I've ever seen.

If you think he's deadly, why don't you put him to the deadly test?

This is Barney. He is a dog.

He's a sleepy little fellow and he likes a good nap.

And he likes a good trump. Yes, he's seriously windy.

Plus he likes going to the park. Not for the swings, but to go lav-lav.

Fascinating, Hacker, but that doesn't score him much for size,

speed or weapons.

So I'm afraid Barney the dog is undeadly.

What, he's not deadly?

Hacker, he's one of the least deadly creatures I've ever seen.

Hey, you've let me right down, you have.

This is a disaster, Steve, what am I going to do?

As you've got Barney here, how about you interview him?

OK, yeah. I will do. What do you think of my telly show?

The best telly show ever? Oh, Barney, you make me blush.

What's that? Of course you can have my autograph.

Do you want one from Steve as well? No? OK, fair enough.

You do like Steve, though, don't you? Ha ha!

-You can't say that about Steve. How rude!

-What did he say?

I won't say it. It's far too rude. I'm shocked.

He might be rude, but he's still not deadly. I'm off.

Hey, wait! I've got something to show you.

-Something with animals in it.

-Animals? Tell me more.

-All right.

I thought, "There aren't enough dogs on TV",

so I've made a programme with a dog in it.

Is that dog you, by any chance?

It's Downstairs Abbey! You've got to watch it!

You can watch it too, Barney.

I, Hackerella, am right in love.

I hope that one day I will be married to my master, Lord Percy.

And to show my love, I'm folding his knick-knacks. Ah, Lord Percy.

-Oh, Lord Percy...

-Hey, I've told you before.

-You can't be in love him too.

-BELL RINGS

-Lord Percy! I'll go! Oh!

-Tripped over his knick-knacks.

Ah, girls. There you are. We have a visitor coming this afternoon.

-The most beautiful lady in all the county.

-But I'm already here!

I am, of course, talking about Lady Sarah.

-Oh...

-And I've just found out

that she loves cats, so I'll impress her with my cat photographs.

-Oh, that's horrible!

-Oh, no, make it stop.

How dare you? Get out of my sight!

-Hackerella, what are we going to do?

-I have a plan.

-Tell me, what is it?

-I'm not going to dress up like a cat.

-Yes, you are.

-Never going to happen.

-Yes, it is.

-No!

-Yes.

-I will not be a cat! I'm never going to be a cat.

-It's not going to happen.

-Yes, you will.

-No, I will not. What the...? How did this happen?

-Ha ha, get in there.

-Oh!

-Ha ha ha ha ha.

Meow!

Dodgina, why are you dressed as a cat?

WATER SPLASHES Stop that! You dirty animal!

-You disgust me! I hate you!

-Lord Percy, what are you doing

to this poor, defenceless girl?

-You come with me. I'll look after you.

-No, no, no.

That's not a cat. It's a dog dressed as a cat!

Oh, oh! She's gone.

She's gone! Oh, will I ever find true love?!

Sure you will, Lord Percy.

Sure you will.

You're right, Hackerella. You're right. I need you.

-Oh, Lord Percy.

-I need you to clean up Dodgina's lav-lav.

I'm going after Lady Sarah.

But it's gone everywhere. ..Oh, bodges.

Well, wasn't that a strong piece of drama. Steve?

That's almost the end of the show now. Thanks for coming.

-That's all right. And I've forgiven you for tricking me as well.

-Thanks.

ROAR!

-What the bodges is that?

-It's the tiger. I thought I'd bring in

-something impressive to give you a strong finish to the show.

-Nah.

"Nah"? The Bengal tiger is the largest of all the big cats.

It's a truly ferocious beast, with canine teeth as long as your finger.

-Well, my finger anyway.

-Excuse me, Steve, do you mind?

You can get rid of that tiger and get out of it while you're at it.

-What? Some thanks that is.

-Yeah. Bye, Steve! What a lovely man. Sit!

Sit down. You're being unsavoury here.

I'm really sorry, Herman, but Hacker doesn't want the tiger.

-I think you'll have to release it into the wild.

-OK, Mr Backshall.

Come on, Mr Tiger. Let's get you home.

Oh, bodges.

Lovely man, that Steve.

It's time for my favourite animal LOLS from around the world.

It's Hacker's Top Animal Howlers.

At number five, my mate Clive doing an impression of a siren.

DOG MAKES SIREN SOUND

Isn't he good?

It's getting a bit old now. You can stop it now!

Give it a rest, will ya! Zip it!

At number four, it's time for a bit of exercise.

Normally, it's just you humans that go to the gym,

but take a look at this.

Look at him go. Work those buns, Mr Cat.

You're not going very fast!

-Why not try a bit faster?

-Meow!

-No? You lazy mooey!

In at three, here's another of my little doggy friends.

Well, she's not that little.

-I love you...

-DOG: I love you.

-I love you!

-DOG: I love you.

-Good girl.

-DOG: I love you.

-I love you!

-DOG: I love you.

Speak properly, will you?

If only everyone could speak good like what I do and that.

At number two is something I love. Trampolining.

But have you ever seen a wild beast on a trampoline? You have now.

Hang on, that's my trampoline. Get off it, with your filthy paws!

And at number one,

my favourite howler of the week is an animal going on a trip.

What a mooey. Hey, Mr Deer, where's my postcard?

That is the best one, that.

And that's all of my howlers for this week.

I hope you liked them and that.

That's all I've got time for today.

I could go on, but I've got better things to be doing.

Thanks to animal genius Stevie Backshall for joining me

of his own free will.

We've just got time now for my brilliant song.

Goodbye!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav now so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows mine's the best one

# Steve Backshall, the animal man

# Was my guest today

# Showed him Barney the deadly dog

# But he didn't look impressed so he could not stay

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# And that is the end of today's Hacker Time. #