Carol Kirkwood Hacker Time

# You got to watch this

PARP!

# You got to watch this?

# You got to watch this!

# My, my, my

# My programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show you can't touch. #

Stop, hacker time! Thank you.

You all right? I'm Hacker and you're watching my very own show.

It's going to be a right LOL, you know.

Coming up, there's a bit of this.

Some of this.

And a bit of that.

And to get the show off with a bang,

I've got this fabulous visual display.

Drum roll, please, Herman.

DRUM ROLL

Are you ready for this? It's going to be right good.

FIREWORK SIZZLES

POP!

Is that it? That cost me a fortune! Oh, never mind.

I suppose the only way is up.

ALARM BEEPS

-What the...?

-It's a smoke alarm!

Oh, bodges!

-What's this?

-The sprinklers.

Hey, give me that umbrella!

I'm the star of the show, you know.

You lot watch some howlers while I sort this out.

Come back here, I'm livid!

You can't treat me like this, I'm a national treasure!

I'm treasured on a national level, hm.

Hello, and welcome to A Question Of Sport. And with quite, er...

Oh, I'm sorry.

LAUGHTER

All hell broke lose at the Y Diner last night,

after a security team were compromised at the...

at a priv... othum faffem ba!

LAUGHTER

What we need to do is sign up new, fresh talent.

-Hold auditions!

-Exactly.

There's loads of talent out there, waiting for Sam and Mark to...

something!

-Hold auditions!

-Exactly. Oh, no!

-Hold auditions!

-Exactly!

HE GIGGLES

-Hold auditions!

-Exactly!

There's loads of talent out there, just waiting

-to turn into superstars like us.

-Oh, yeah!

LAUGHTER

In picturesque villages like... Where am I?

Chloe said if I didn't have a party...

SHE FLUFFS HER WORDS

And that's not an option with... Sorry!

Ha-ha-ha! Ain't it all a lot of nonsense?

More howlers later,

but first, it's about time to welcome today's guest.

Although she doesn't know she's the guest yet.

It's Carol off the weather.

Oh, she's coming, Hacker! Eh?

Look, it's Carol!

Here goes.

"Nice Ladies Who Like The Weather Club."

I'm nice, I'm a lady and I like the weather. I'm going to give that a go.

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Carol Kirkwood.'

-You all right, Carol?

-Hi, Hacker.

I'm here for the Nice Ladies Who Like The Weather Club. Where is it?

Oh, it's just over there. Lock the doors, Derek. Ha-ha-ha!

Hacker, there is no Nice Ladies Who Like The Weather Club here.

-It's just me, you and Harry Tongue.

-Er, yeah.

Er, there's something I need to tell you about that. How can I put this?

There is no club! It's all a big fat porkie, Carol.

I've actually got you here to be on my TV show. Surprise! Ha-ha!

Your TV show? No, no, no! I'm far too busy for this.

-I've the weather to present. I'm off.

-Oh, Carol!

SAD MUSIC

Don't go.

I'm only a tiny little tiny dog

and I just need one teeny, weenie guest like you

to help me make my TV show.

-I've gone and made this fact file thing for you and everything.

-Ah!

Push that red lever.

Carol Kirkwood is a weather forecasting person.

She's very clever and serious and that.

Look, here she is with her friends. What a bunch!

Who's the bloke in the tights?

Carol presents the weather on Breakfast TV with this lot.

Oh, it's Bill and Sian. Hello!

Her job is to stand in front of a map and wave her arms around.

I've no idea why, but that is why we love her.

It's BBC weather legend Carol Kirkwood!

-Hey, did you like it?

-I did, it was brilliant.

-You're a clever wee doggy, Hacker.

-Yeah.

Will you stay then?

Oh, go on! As long as we can watch some funny clips

of people doing the weather later?

Go on, then. Now, Carol, I like watching the weather.

I love that episode where the sun was out in Wigan

and it was raining in East Anglia.

Must try and get it on DVD. They never repeat that one.

Anyway, you do the weather very well

but I think I could do it betterer.

Oh, you do, Hacker?

Well, I don't think you could, so I want to see that.

Well, have a look at this.

Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

This is where I will be doing the weather betterer

in three gusts of wind.

PARP!

Not that kind of wind!

First things first, we need to brighten this weather lark up a bit.

Don't just talk the weather, dress the weather.

In the bottom of this thing here, it's going to be very hot.

Ooh, I've got a right sweat on. And then...

On this left bit here, it's going to be raining

and wet and stuff.

Ooh, look up there.

Ah! It's f-f-freezing and s-s-snowing in that bit up there.

Brrr! Don't go there!

Wind! What am I supposed to wear for wind?

WIND BLOWING

Hrrgh, Rrgh! Ah!

Stupid wind! I never liked it anyway.

Weather would also be betterer with less of the chat.

For example, isobars. Iso-boring! You don't need it.

Just speed it up a bit.

Welcome to the weather. Hot, wet, cold, windy, goodbye.

See? That was easy.

It leaves more time to do this.

Don't just do the weather in this country, do the whole world.

Nay, the whole universe!

Over there is the moon. That is dark. The sun is asleep right now.

And closer to home will be an alien invasion.

Alien invasion? What sort of weather chat is this meant to be?

ALIEN LANGUAGE

Oh hello, little creature! Aren't you a cutey-wutey?

Ah!

Argh! Get off! Hey, what you doing to me furry little self?

Oh, you don't know your own strength, you!

Ah, me spinal column!

Owsies!

Good, eh?

All you need to do is go into space,

put your bikini on and keep the forecast short.

-It's easy.

-Oh, Hacker, no! It will never work.

Can you imagine the weathermen in a bikini?

Oh, yeah, I can! Urgh! Never mind.

Oh, Carol.

PLAYS TUNE

# Oh, Carol

# I am but a fool

# Darling, I love you

# Though you treat me cruel

# You hurt me

# And you made me cry

# But if you leave me

-# I will surely die.

-#

-That was brilliant, Hacker. Brilliant!

-Thank you.

Just a bit of something I've been working on.

Now, where was I? Oh, let's get back to the weather and that.

Bet you have to wake up early to present the breakfast news on telly.

I do. Every weekday morning at 3 o'clock,

-my alarm goes off and I jump out of bed.

-A-woo?! That's well early.

I'm still tucked up in my tiny little kennel at that time.

You should record it the night before.

Hey, Carol, I love watching you on the telly

but you never say hello to me when I pop into the garden.

-I haven't seen you in the garden, Hacker.

-I came in once

and you just carried on talking. Have a look.

..goes back about 12 hours to more or less the current time,

you can see the cloud pushing across Scotland...

I love a good fly in my helicopter of a morning.

Oh look, it's Carol.

Hello, Carol! It's me, Hacker!

For the north-east of England, again we've got some low cloud...

What are you doing, Carol?

Do you want to come with me for a boiled egg? Carol!

Then we have some sunshine...

I'm enjoying the fine weather, Carol.

A beautiful, sunny start to the day.

A helicopter above me, obviously enjoying the fine weather.

Carol, can you hear me? I'll fly a bit closer.

LOUD HELICOPTER

We've got cloud here just now, but that will break...

Carol, what are you doing? Carol!

Don't ignore me!

To the east coast of the country...

Oh, bodges! She can't hear me.

Oh well, I'll go and see what Sue Barker's up to instead.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Oh, that was you, Hacker. You're very bad. That was so loud.

-Did you like it?

-No.

Now, there's something important

-I've always wanted to know about the weather.

-Yeah?

Will it rain a week on Sunday?

I've got to sand down a picnic table

-before I paint it.

-No, you'll be fine.

OK. More questions for you.

If it rains cats and dogs sometimes,

has it ever rained beans and sausages?

No, but it's rained frogs in real life.

-Jam?

-What about it?

-Has it rained jam?

-No!

-Has it ever rained meat produce?

-No.

-Do you ever...?

-No, no no!

Hacker, these are really stupid questions.

You've heard nothing. Listen. Do you ever make the weather up?

Hope no-one notices?

Never, ever. No.

And do you have to do some training to become, er...? Oh, excuse me.

Do you have to train to become...? Oh. Do you have to train...?

Will you stop it!

Hey, Hacker.

Come on, ask Carol some proper questions, like about the weather.

-There's going to be a pour.

-Oh, no, I don't have my brolly.

-No, not a rain pour. A dog's paw!

-What?!

Ah! Oh! Ah, that's got them.

So, do you have to, er...?

Oh, I've forgotten the question.

Probably something about the weather. Doesn't matter anyway.

Not important. Shall we look at some clips of weather people

-getting it all wrong instead?

-Yeah, go on.

You might even be in this.

Press that yellow button and things'll happen.

And for most, it'll be fine... Oh, what is that there?

What is that splodge? Is that somebody's head?

SHE COUGHS

-Oh, poor Louise!

-That's not good, is it?

-Now the weather with Carol.

-There's our tea cosy!

-Oh, Dermot!

-My tea's getting cold.

-That's it, Dermot.

Someone else said I look like a judge in a wig, so the hat's going now.

With a look at the weather, here's Louise.

It's not Louise, actually.

She's having lunch, but I'll do it instead.

A slight frost because of the wind.

But despite the sunshine returning tomorrow, the showers will turn

increasingly to sleet and snow. Back to you two.

A quick look at the weather with Penny Trantor

Oh, she's in a bit of a hurry there!

Oh, the weather is not very good at the moment,

as you can see here in Northern Ireland.

My lips are numb, so hope you can understand me!

-And slowing down...

-Talking very, very slowly.

-Because Helen Young is late!

-Helen is walking into the studio.

Helen, what an elegant entry as you...

Hello!

As you spring gazelle-like onto your box.

I nearly tripped over as well.

-Sorry about that. Are you waiting for me?

-Yes.

-We are, actually.

For the last five minutes.

A fine, dry and sunny start across... Oh, that shouldn't happen.

She's taken it again. Look, she's back again.

Listen to her. Go on, Suzanne. Take it away. Never mind!

It's going to be dry and sunny in the south.

isn't it, Suzanne? Just a second.

Cloud will increase from the west...

HE BELCHES

Ooh, a bit of wind coming in towards Northern Ireland.

Ha-ha-ha! What a load of amateurs! Hey, Carol.

Are you having a lovely time?

Hacker, I am having the best time, thank you.

Well, it's getting serious now.

I'm going to ask three quick-fire questions

and I need you to give me three quick-fire answers.

-OK.

-Spotlight please, Herman.

Right, Hacker.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Go!

-What's your favourite type of weather?

-Sun.

-Do me an impression of thunder.

-Krrrg!

If it didn't rain water, what else would you like it to rain?

-Chocolate.

-Ooh, stop!

HORN BLARES

Not bad, Carol. But what do you know?

I went to ask the nation of Great Britainshire

what they've got to say about weather.

Watch this.

Thank you.

You all right? I'm here at this top secret location,

somewhere in the world,

to meet some top people who have some top answers

to some top-notch questions.

They're all very excited about meeting me,

so let's head inside.

WOMEN SCREAM

Ooh! Ooh! They need to calm down a bit, that was outrageous.

Let's try somewhere else.

-Hello!

-ALL: Hello!

-Hello, everyone. You all OK?

-ALL: Yes!

Well, I'm going to ask you a few things now about weather.

-Ooh, imagine that! What's your favourite weather?

-Sun.

The sun? What do you like about the sun?

You can relax and play with your friends.

-Can you do an impression of any weather?

-Yes, I can do rain.

-Go on.

-Let's listen.

-Shhh!

Now that was an impression of rain. Do it again.

Shhh!

-Can you do any impressions of the weather?

-Yeah.

-What can you do?

-Wind.

-Go on then.

-Fooo!

-That's good. I can do wind. Do you want to see it?

-Yeah.

PARP!

Ah! Better out than in.

-Can you do an impression of thunder?

-Woo!

-Ah!

-That's terrifying. Do it again?

-Woo!

-Ah! I can do it. Wah!

Aah!

-What's your favourite weather??

-My favourite weather is the sun.

The sunshine? Can you do an impression of the sun?

-Yes.

-Go on. That's good. The sun's a proper dancer.

I can do a sun impression. Watch this.

Yeah! Yeah!

-Can you do an impression of fog?

-No.

See? I got him then. I can, watch.

Can't see where I'm going. It's as easy as that.

If it didn't rain water,

what would you like it to rain instead?

-Money.

-Chocolate muffins.

-Bogies!

-Cats and dogs.

-Watermelons.

-Watermelons!

They'd land on your head, you'd be knocked out. Wouldn't it?

I'd like it if it rained milkshake. Wouldn't you?

That would be good, wouldn't it?

In conclusion,

I have learned that this lot would like it to rain bogies,

chocolate, cats and dogs, lions and watermelons instead of water.

Ha-ha! You lot are weird. See ya!

Thank you.

Thanks, Hacker. There's something I've always wanted to know, Carol.

-Yeah, what's that?

-Those weather presenters

look like right filthy beggars to me.

Who has the smelliest feet out of all of them?

-I can't tell you that!

-Ah, go on!

-Well, all right. But you can't tell anyone else.

-I promise.

I think it probably is...

Oh, look what I've found!

'Push it, Hacker. Push it.

'I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Pu-ush i-it!

'And don't forget to wash your knick-knacks tonight.

'You can't wear the same pair again. Now, push that button!

-Go on, just push it.

-Ah, go on then.

SIREN WAILS

THUNDER CLAP

-Could have been worse, I suppose.

-Ah!

On second thoughts, maybe you shouldn't have pushed the button.

Ah!

So, that's who's got the smelliest feet in the weather centre.

You have to have lightning reactions not to approach her

otherwise you get a nasty shock.

I didn't give her a nasty shock! I didn't start the lightning!

I've been sat here all along, I didn't pres any buttons!

I'll appeal! You can't do this to me!

-Hacker, what are you talking about?

-The lightning, and the lady,

and the button... Er, nothing. Nothing.

Forget everything I said, especially the button thing. Ahem!

-Right.

-Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.

-I've got some good news for you, Carol.

-What's that?

The show's not over yet. Derek, the menu.

Oh, yeah.

Still to come today, this.

This.

And this. What's he doing in there? Oh, heck!

Put something else on Derek, quick!

Here's some more howlers.

-Oh, what LOLs! Ain't weather a lot of fun, Carol?

-It is, Hacker.

There's always something to talk about with the weather.

Yeah, and I like the computer graphics in the background.

That's quite complicated, you know. I've got a green background.

-And the image is projected onto that from a computer.

-Nah, it looks easy.

I've written a weather script for you to read out.

I'll do all the computer graphics and that. It'll be a proper LOL!

-Go over there to that green area, go on.

-OK.

-The words'll come up. Just read out whatever it says.

-OK, got it.

There'll be a cloudy start tomorrow morning across much of the UK

before some strong south-westerly winds sweep in.

PARP!

You said wind!

-We can expect some showers in Birmingham.

-I prefer a bath, myself.

By lunchtime, it's likely to be raining cats and...

Ah! Hacker, catch!

Heh... Ah! Carol!

There'll be a large pair of fronts

coming in from the east. Ah!

Ha-ha-ha!

By mid-afternoon, it will be hot, hot, hot.

Ooh, them three are gorgeous. Hey, Carol. Where's Wigan on your map?

-It's not on there. That is a disgrace!

-That's true, Hacker.

But we can't put everywhere on the map. You can't please everyone.

It's a disgrace. I'll see to this.

HACKER TYPES

Oh, beautiful! Respect, Wigan. Respect.

Now, make sure you leave it on there from now on.

-Now get back over here!

-I'm on my way.

-You've got to respect Wigan, Carol.

-I love Wigan, Hacker.

Now, Carol, what is the weather in space like right now?

Oh, I haven't a clue. We don't forecast for space.

Well, that's a shame.

It would've been useful to know the space weather

when me and Dodger were filming our hit series, Dogs In Space.

-What's that, then?

-"What's that?"

"What is that?!" How dare you, Carol!

It was a little bit like Doctor Who,

but with more dogs and things on strings in it.

It's a right old LOL. You've got to watch it.

'Deep in the midst of space, two dogs have somehow

'found themselves in charge of a rocket ship.

'They're hard at work, discovering new planets and carrying out tests.

'Well, they're supposed to be.'

# Sandwiches are mainly bread

# But you can put stuff in 'em

# You can put meat products in 'em. #

I'm well chuffed we blagged this rocket.

You should've blagged fuel too.

You didn't fill up the petrol tank again.

Oh, look, there's a petrol station out there. I'll go.

-I fancy stretching my legs.

-No chance, you mooey.

I'll take care of this.

Oh, yes. I know this. Let me just get a look at me phrase book.

Here we go, "Can I have a pasty?" Right.

Blingo koroba buldebul?

Krem-krem reer derv?

YELLS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE

Go easy, tiger. I'll try the old fashioned way. A-hem.

Could we have a full tank of petrol, please?

TRANSLATION

Cheers.

Wonga, wonga.

Oh! Oh, bodges. I, er.

I appear to have left my wallet at home.

-Is there anyway we can work this out?

-Hmm.

I'm so glad we could work this out.

Got a full tank and an air freshener too.

Isn't that right, me new bezzie mate? Me old chum, me old pal?

SPEAKS ALIEN

Yeah, you're right. It will be a LOL indeed.

I wonder how Dodger's getting on?

SPEAKS ALIEN

Easy for you to say.

Oh, bodges!

TRANSLATION:

-Aren't I good at acting?

-Hacker, you are brilliant.

-Did you get an Oscar for that?

-Only a matter of time, isn't it?

-Hey, thanks for coming on my show today.

-Oh, I have had a ball.

-Thank you for having me.

-Oh, my pleasure.

You've been one of the better guests I've ever had on here.

It was a hazy start,

but then some strong LOLs occured in the east of the studio.

A heavy outbreak of howlers in the middle of the programme.

Carol, your performance moved steadily

with a north-easterly breeze, from good to very good.

That's all for now. I'm back in half an hour.

-Yeah, that was brilliant, Hacker! Well done.

-Oh, thanks.

Now, I've got to get on now, but I've got a little treat for you.

A fabulous Hacker Time dog bowl.

'The Hacker Time dog bowl is the latest in doggy chic.

'It can store food, store water, store...

'Store...

Well, mainly just food and water, really.

And take that umbrella and that sunhat and those wellies with you.

You don't want to get caught out by the weather.

-With me? Is that it, then?

-'Fraid it is. Off you pop.

-Oh!

-Grab 'em all.

-Oh, I thought I was staying for a bit longer.

The door's over there, love.

-Phone me.

-Maybe.

-Soon?

-Well...

-Miss you.

-Bye.

-Bye, mind your head!

Oh, what a nice lady.

Now she's cleared off, I'm going to show you some of the best stuff

I've see with my little tiny eyes.

It's time for...

Hacker's top three weather howlers.

In at three, this weather lady's all in a tangle.

A bit of a chilly night with a touch of ground frost in the north.

Oops! Erm, I'm trapped!

But behind me is a weather system which is coming in during tomorrow.

That looks set...

Sorry, that looks set to bring us some rain,

especially to western and northern areas.

I will free myself at five to nine.

What a palaver she found herself in!

At two, when you're doing the weather,

always remember to look where you're walking.

Hi, I'm Pete Fitzpatrick, giving you your weather today.

As we go back to...

'That'll smart! I bet he's trapped something there.'

At number one, some of you might think the weather's boring.

Well, think again!

It can never be boring

with a dancing weatherman around.

Here's Mickey, all right! Like this now. Hey, Mickey!

Oh, yeah! Go, Mickey. Go, Mickey. Go, go, go!

Go, Mickey. It's just like, it's just like.

Hey, Mickey. Go, Mickey.

It's just like, it's just like

-All right.

-Don't hurt yourself, Mickey.

Ha-ha-ha! Eh? Nice dancing, mister Oh, thanks for watching today.

I would carry on but I've run out of stuff to say.

Wasn't Carol Kirkwood good, though, with all her weather stuff and that?

Hey, before I go, I've just got time to sing you

a nice little song about what we've been up to today.

Take it away, maestro.

Oh, that's me, isn't it?

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav, so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two, watching some clips

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

# Carol Kirkwood the weather girl, well she popped in and looked aghast

# I sang a song, we had a LOL

# And she looked silly doing my weather forecast

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav, so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# And that is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

E-mail: [email protected]