Iain Stirling Hacker Time


Iain Stirling

Hacker T Dog has managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker tries to trick a teenage heart-throb into the studio, and returns for the final time to Downstairs Abbey.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

# You gotta watch this... #

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Pffft!

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

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# Makes me say Oh, my word!

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# Thank you for watching me It's telly

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# But not what you normally see

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# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

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# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

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# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

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# Ha! You can't touch

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# Stop! Hacker time! # Thank you.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the show, Hacker T Dog!

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-He-he! Erm, Hacker? HACKER?

-Help! I'm up here!

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Hmph! Get me down, Derek!

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I'm supposed to be lowered in in a showbiz and impressive manner.

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-Sorry, Hacker. The lever's stuck.

-Get me down!

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DEREK STRAINS

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I am livid, Derek. I can't stay up here all day.

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Start the show, Hacker, while I sort it out.

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Oh, bodges. All right, then.

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This is Hacker Time.

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'Coming up we've got this,

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'this,

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'and that.'

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It's going to be a great sho-o-ow!

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CRASH

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Why does that not entirely surprise me? Here's some howlers.

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Ah. Oof!

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MUSIC: "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba

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This family moved... Ooh!

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PHONE RINGS

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What a collection of calamities. More hilarious howlers later.

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ALARM SOUNDS

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Ooh, your guest's on his way, Hacker.

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Oh, good. You're going to love this.

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I've got a massive big guest coming in today.

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He's got great hair, he's a teen heartthrob

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and he's loved all over the world!

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It's so exciting!

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DRUMROLL

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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really proud

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to present world-famous superstar Justin Bieber!

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# Baby, baby, baby, ooh... #

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Justin Bieber?

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Iain, what are you doing here? Get out the way!

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Justin Bieber's coming!

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Justin! JUSTIN! Aw.

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Right, wait there, Stirling. Don't get comfy.

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-Derek, where's Justin Bieber?

-Justin Bieber?

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No, no. It's Iain Stirling who I've arranged for our guest today.

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Iain? What did you do that for?

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I said I wanted a massive celebrity with great hair

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who's a teen heartthrob and who's loved all over the world.

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-I thought you meant Iain.

-Of course I didn't mean Iain!

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He's a low-quality celebrity at best, and his hair is substandard.

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-I want Bieber!

-Oh, dear.

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Oh, bodges.

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Hey Hacks, mate! Thought I'd come and be on the show.

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The old lads together. Us old buddies have a right old LOL.

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-Laugh out, laugh out loud.

-Yeah, great(!)

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-What's the matter?

-I said, "Yeah! Great! Ha-ha!"

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You don't seem very excited.

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You weren't expecting someone else, were you?

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-Oh, no! Definitely not. Not that.

-I'm pretty excited about this, mate.

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I've got a Hacker badge on. Official merchandise.

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Yay, whoopee(!)

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Hey, isn't it time for that hilarious part of the show

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where you show the hilarious fact file about me?

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No! I'm not going to do that this week.

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I know, let's have a nice little chat instead.

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No, no. Let's, let's do the fact file. Derek! Show the profile!

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Justin Bieber is a Canadian megastar who burst

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onto the pop scene in 2007,

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when he clocked up more than 10 million internet hits.

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He has won a string of awards like Best Male at the MTV Music Awards

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and International Breakthrough Artist at the Brit Awards.

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Plus he's had has loads of hit songs, a movie and sell-out tours.

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And he's here today!

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Why, it's international megastar, JUSTIN BIEBER!

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-You were expecting Justin Bieber, weren't you?

-No!

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-What's that, then?

-Just a joke!

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Just a joke? What's this then?

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FANFARE

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-Is that a joke as well?

-All right, then, Iain!

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I was expecting Bieber. You ruined everything for me!

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You sicken me, Stirling.

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I'm here now! What were you thinking?

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Justin Bieber wouldn't come on this show in a million years!

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Yes, he will! He'll be here any minute! I'm sure of it.

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TICKING CLOCK

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-Iain?

-Yes?

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I don't think he's coming, is he?

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Shall we just do it?

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-It's probably for the best, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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So, Iain. You have a history of making telly on CBBC and that.

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Do you think you're any good?

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You should know, mate. We normally do it together, don't we?

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I think I could do it betterer then you.

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Why haven't you tried before? We're a double act.

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Pipe down, Stirling!

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Watch and learn, vole eyes. Pull that lever!

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'Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

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'Today I will show you how to make CBBC betterer

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'in a few simple steps.'

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I don't know why CBBC don't have any puppets,

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cos they can be right entertaining and that.

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Like my mate, Harry Tongue. Y'all right, Harry?

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Y'all right, Hacker?

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I was just hanging about in the kitchen.

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Ha-ha-ha! You're so funny.

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Off you go, Harry.

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Now, all CBBC shows should feature just me. Yes.

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Imagine... Imagine...

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Hello and welcome to Hacker BBC.

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Coming up today we have... Hacker Round, with me.

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Hacker 60. Oh! I'm in that.

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Hacker Jane Adventures. Good drama, that is.

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MI Hacker, Tracy Hacker, Scoop,

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Hacker Time... Blue... Blue Peter. Blue Peter?

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Blue Peter? Hold on a minute. I'm not in that! What's that doing here?

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I don't even like the programme!

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Blue? I see in black-and-white!

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My final plan to make CBBC awesome is to have it on 24 hours a day,

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non-stop, with me!

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Foolproof! Oh, but how would I go lav-lav?

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Any ideas, Harry?

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I'm not using that! I'm not an animal, you know!

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All right, put it on the floor.

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I can't go with you looking at me!

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Ah! Glorious bottle!

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So accommodating.

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-So that's better than CBBC, is it?

-Yes, Iain. A big relief!

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Since you're here, I thought we'd take a look

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at some clips of you on the telly and that.

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Nothing I like more than looking at clips of me.

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I am a good-looking and talented television presenter.

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With perfect hair.

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Well, that's not what you said on this clip.

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Welcome back to the CBBC office. Still to come today, TSOTB.

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Sorry... I know...

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My hair... is horrible.

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Run network!

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LAUGHTER

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-That's been doctored in some ways.

-No, it hasn't!

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My T-shirt changes on several occasions.

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Oh, Iain!

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Now, some of our more silly viewers might want to know more about you.

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-I don't blame them.

-I can't think why.

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So I'm going to ask you some questions like proper TV people do.

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Go on, then.

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Why don't you spell your name properly?!

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I do! That's how you, it's Gaelic.

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-I don't agree with it!

-It's I, A, I, N.

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-That's a proper way to...

-You're wrong!

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Why do you talk in that silly voice all the time?

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I don't!

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-This is my,... You know this! I'm Scottish.

-It's weird!

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It's not, it's normal!

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Why are your eyes so tiny, like a vole's eyes.

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They're not small.

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-They're tiny!

-There normal-sized for my face.

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-They're not natural!

-They're symmetrical!

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Who's your best friend in the whole wide world?

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Do you know, do you know Hacker?

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-Not him.

-Iain!

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What is your favourite...? Excuse me a second.

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-What's your favourite...? Sorry.

-What are you doing?

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What is your...? Will you stop it!

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Hacker, ask Iain better questions, like, about his amazing hair.

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Do you think I can have hair like his?

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NYAARGH!

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He could've just said no.

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That's got it. Aiee! Phew!

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Now, who's your...? Er, oh. I've forgotten the question.

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Never mind. It can't have been important.

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Hey, shall we look at some clips of you looking stupid on CBBC instead?

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I'd rather you didn't.

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I'm going to because you look like a right mooey in this lot.

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-Let's not show them, then.

-Let's show them. Good idea.

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-Flick that switch.

-I'd rather not.

-Just do it. The switch!

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To Iain... You are the world's most stupidest man!

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BELCHING

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It's me! The jester!

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Hey, Sally! BREAKS WIND

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BODGES!

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I'm a beautiful air hostess.

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LAUGHTER

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You regularly look silly on live TV, Iain, don't you?

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-Not as silly as you do.

-A good point. Shall we move on?

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Now, Iain, I have some more questions for you.

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Take them seriously! This is a proper serious bit, this.

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The public need to know! Spotlight please, Herman.

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Right, Hacker.

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-What's your favourite CBBC show?

-I quite like BAMZOOKi.

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Good answer. Who's your favourite presenter?

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-Can I say me?

-No!

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-Barney Harwood.

-Good choice.

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If you had a show - never going to happen - what would it be about?

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It would be called Iain's Show and it would be about people walking in

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and saying, "Ah! Are you Iain?" I'd go, "No big deal."

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-ALARM SOUNDS

-Stop now!

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So that's what you think.

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The other day I asked some actual children about kids' TV and that,

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because they should know, shouldn't they?

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Here's what happened. Press that button!

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Thank you.

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Hello! As you know, I'm Hacker.

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But what you don't know yet is what the nation thinks

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about some very important questions.

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So let's get amongst it.

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CRASHING AND SHOUTING

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Let me out! Let me out of here!

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So now we know what they think. Let's go and ask some other people.

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-Hello!

-ALL: Hello!

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-How are you all? OK?

-ALL: Yes!

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Well I'm here now to ask you a few questions about, erm, CBBC.

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-Who likes Dick and Dom?

-Me.

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-What do you like about Dick and Dom?

-They're funny.

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They are, aren't they? What do they shout out?

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-ALL: Bogies.

-Louder!

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-All: BOGIES!

-Dani.

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-Mine is Sam and Mark.

-Chris.

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-You're popular, Johnson!

-Helen from Blue Peter.

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-Barney.

-Do you like Iain as well?

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-A bit.

-A bit! Did you hear that, Stirling? Only a bit.

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-Hacker.

-You.

-Me? What about Steve Backshall?

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-I don't know about him.

-You don't like him?

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I do, but you're better.

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Hear that, Backshall? I'm better and I've got more muscles.

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-You.

-Aw, little old me?

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-You.

-That is it, folks. It's resounding.

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I am the best one. Fact.

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What's your favourite CBBC show?

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-Tracy Beaker Returns.

-I like Scoop.

-Deadly 60.

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If you had your own programme, what would it be about?

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Finding a million dollars on the floor.

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Me and you playing football.

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-Hello. This programme is about me.

-Very good.

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-Funny things.

-Like funny faces?

-Yeah.

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Can you all do my funny face?

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Ready, everyone?

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There we are, folks. We have learned a few things there.

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Basically, I am the best CBBC presenter,

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my programmes, Scoop and Hacker Time,

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are the best ones around,

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and Iain Stirling has not been involved in any of the good stuff.

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Fact. Let's have a nice big clap for all these lovely people.

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Give yourselves a big clap, everyone. Yeah! Thank you.

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-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

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Thank you.

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Hey!

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You've edited that!

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You've taken out the bits where they said they liked Iain Stirling.

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How dare you! That is a terrible accusation.

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You have no tangible fans.

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Anyway, the next bit we're going to do is...

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Ooh! Iain, look.

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You wait there, I'm just going to go over there and...do something.

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You occupy yourself for a minute.

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I just wanted...

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Oh, look at that. A big shiny red button

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that would only benefit from a nice big old pushing.

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So let's have a little... Oh.

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"Do not push"? Aw, what a spoilsport.

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Spoils all my fun, right. Could have pushed that button.

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Still might be considering...

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I mean, what's the worst that could possibly happen?

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Hey!

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Oi! What you doing?

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Every single show, you press that button

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and something terrible happens.

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Mate, do the right thing. Don't press the button.

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Oh, Iain, you're right.

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I'm going to behave in the correct manner, hey.

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-Make me proud, you do, mate.

-Aw.

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So, eh, what are we doing...?

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ALARM BLARES

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EXPLOSIONS

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We appear to have lift-off and we're not ready!

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THUNDER CRASHES

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-Iain?

-Yeah, mate?

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-Back away.

-Yeah, good idea.

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-Let's never speak of this again.

-Yeah, brilliant, yeah.

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Oh look, a...a fire.

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Still to come today,

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this,

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this...

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..and this. Who are they? Oh, heck. Put something else on, Derek, quick!

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Here's some more howlers.

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Ha-ha! Look!

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Heh-heh!

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BANG!

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Ooh, that was frightening.

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Mind the shed. Oh no! The shed!

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Oh, look.

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Oh, look!

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Oh, neigh!

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Oh, mind the hammock.

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Ooh!

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Stop.

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Heh heh! Moisture!

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Moisture! Moisture!

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He's got a wig on. Ha!

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Oh, not the guttering, sir.

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Ha-ha!

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Oh! No!

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Land it, land it!

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He's landed.

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Oh, no. Oh!

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-What a load of LOLs.

-Aw.

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More of them later.

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OK, coming up now, we've got Downstairs Abbey.

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No, hey!

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Before Downstairs Abbey,

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don't you normally do that bit where the guest shows off their talent?

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-Aren't we doing that?

-No.

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Why not?

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Because you have no talent, Iain.

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What can you do? Sing? No.

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Dance? No.

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Act? I don't think so.

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How very dare you. I can do lots of things.

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I can, erm....

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Ah! I can...

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Oh, I'm not allowed to.

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Oh! I can definitely...

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Oh, I can't.

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See? You're a disgrace, with no skills!

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Oh! Comedy!

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I can do stand-up comedy. I'm a world-famous stand-up comedian.

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Oh, not that again.

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Yeah, and I can teach you all the skills you need to be as funny as me.

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Huh! Won't take long.

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Let's go to the part of the studio

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-that happens to be decorated appropriately. Come on.

-Yeah.

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DRUM ROLL

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome CBBC funny man...

0:17:450:17:48

Hacker T Dog!

0:17:480:17:50

CHEERING

0:17:500:17:51

Thank you! Thank you very much.

0:17:510:17:53

-Oh yeah, and please welcome Iain as well.

-Thank you!

0:17:530:17:57

Yeah!

0:17:570:17:58

You shouldn't have!

0:17:580:18:00

-They didn't.

-No.

0:18:000:18:01

Hi. Listen, basically, there's a few tricks,

0:18:010:18:04

a few brilliant jokes you can tell.

0:18:040:18:07

I'm going to let you master just a few. Ready for this?

0:18:070:18:09

-Yeah, go on.

-First one's the "waiter, waiter" joke.

0:18:090:18:12

You go into a restaurant and ask a waiter about a problem.

0:18:120:18:15

He gives you a comedy answer to the problem.

0:18:150:18:17

-You ready?

-Yeah.

0:18:170:18:18

Ahem.

0:18:180:18:20

Waiter, waiter. What's this fly doing in my soup?

0:18:200:18:24

The backstroke.

0:18:240:18:26

SILENCE

0:18:260:18:28

You what?

0:18:280:18:29

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

0:18:290:18:31

Tough crowd.

0:18:310:18:32

OK, they may not go for it, but do you want to try the waiter joke?

0:18:320:18:35

-Yeah, go on, bring that thing down.

-Waiter, comedy answer... Ready?

0:18:350:18:39

Hello?

0:18:390:18:40

Waiter, waiter,

0:18:400:18:42

I'm very pleased with the standard of service in this restaurant tonight.

0:18:420:18:46

Thank you very much!

0:18:460:18:47

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:18:470:18:49

Hold on, hold on. That wasn't a joke.

0:18:510:18:53

That was a commentary on the standard of service.

0:18:530:18:56

-Hilarious, that.

-It wasn't a joke!

0:18:560:18:58

Listen. Joke number two, this is.

0:18:580:19:01

Get ready, people, because you are about to be comedied.

0:19:010:19:04

-Doctor, doctor.

-I'll just move here.

0:19:040:19:07

You go into the surgery, you ask the doctor about something,

0:19:070:19:10

and he gives a comedy answer.

0:19:100:19:12

-Make it happen!

-I'll make it happen. You ready, guys? Thought so.

0:19:120:19:15

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

0:19:150:19:19

Pull yourself together, then!

0:19:190:19:21

Slam!

0:19:210:19:22

-What?

-Well...

0:19:220:19:24

-What was that meant to mean?

-What? That was...

0:19:240:19:27

-Right, go on. If you're so...

-Bring that down.

-Listen!

-What?

0:19:270:19:30

Doctor, doctor, comedy answer. Go!

0:19:300:19:34

I'll do it. Ahem.

0:19:340:19:35

Doctor, doctor.

0:19:350:19:37

Um, I've got a bit of an ailment on me toe.

0:19:370:19:39

LAUGHTER

0:19:390:19:40

Thank you! Thank you very much!

0:19:400:19:42

Huzzah! I'm here all week.

0:19:420:19:44

-What? You can't just talk about your ailments!

-Course you can.

0:19:460:19:50

Where's the structure?

0:19:500:19:51

It got a laugh, didn't it?

0:19:510:19:53

That is it. I'm pulling out the big guns.

0:19:530:19:55

-Go on, then.

-Pulling out the big jokes.

0:19:550:19:57

You pull out the big jokes.

0:19:570:19:59

You ready for this, people?

0:19:590:20:00

This is a knock-knock joke.

0:20:000:20:02

A knock-knock and a comedy answer.

0:20:020:20:04

-I'll stand here, you do it.

-You be the guy behind the door.

0:20:040:20:07

Knock, knock.

0:20:070:20:08

Who's there?

0:20:080:20:11

-Doctor.

-Doctor who?

0:20:110:20:12

Yup. That's me.

0:20:120:20:14

SILENCE

0:20:140:20:15

-I don't get that.

-It's Matt Smith!

0:20:160:20:18

-What's wrong with you?

-What's wrong with THEM?

0:20:180:20:20

Are you damaged or something?

0:20:200:20:22

BOOING

0:20:220:20:23

-Right, go on.

-Get it down here.

-Doctor, doctor.

0:20:230:20:25

-Lower! Fix it a bit!

-Aww!

0:20:250:20:28

That's it. Ahem.

0:20:280:20:29

Knock, knock.

0:20:290:20:30

Who's there?

0:20:300:20:31

Doctor Who.

0:20:310:20:32

LAUGHTER

0:20:320:20:34

Thank you very much.

0:20:340:20:35

The time-travelling GP. Yes.

0:20:350:20:37

-Oh no, you're not having that.

-What?

0:20:370:20:39

-What was that?

-It was a joke.

0:20:390:20:41

-It wasn't a joke!

-It got a laugh.

-It didn't have a structure.

0:20:410:20:44

-Doesn't matter.

-You lot, right?

0:20:440:20:46

You don't know... You're rubbish!

0:20:460:20:48

-Keep them out of this.

-No, listen,

0:20:480:20:50

you lot wouldn't know comedy if it bit you on the...

0:20:500:20:54

Bum!

0:20:540:20:56

LAUGHTER

0:20:560:20:57

Oh! So that's what it is now? Right, bum. Bum.

0:20:570:21:00

BOOING

0:21:000:21:01

Bum!

0:21:010:21:03

BOOING CONTINUES

0:21:030:21:05

Thank you! Thank you, oh, thank you.

0:21:060:21:09

Very nice of you, that. Thank you.

0:21:090:21:11

What a lovely audience.

0:21:110:21:12

And as a treat, here I've got a lovely episode of Downstairs Abbey.

0:21:120:21:17

I, Hackerella,

0:21:260:21:28

hope that one day I will be married to my master,

0:21:280:21:31

Lord Percy.

0:21:310:21:33

I love him so much,

0:21:330:21:35

I've drawn a little picture of him.

0:21:350:21:37

Oh,

0:21:370:21:39

Lord Percy.

0:21:390:21:41

Oh, Lord Percy.

0:21:410:21:44

HE SIGHS

0:21:440:21:45

-Hey, you. You just copied me.

-No, I didn't.

0:21:450:21:48

BELL RINGS

0:21:480:21:49

Oh! Lord Percy!

0:21:490:21:50

-I'll go, I'll go.

-No, I'll go.

0:21:500:21:52

Get the... Oh...

0:21:520:21:54

-Stop! Stop it!

-Move your foot out of the way.

0:21:540:21:57

Ah! Ahem. Girls.

0:21:570:21:58

I need your help.

0:21:580:22:00

The beautiful Lady Sarah is visiting this afternoon,

0:22:000:22:03

and I want to impress her with a poem.

0:22:030:22:07

But I can't think what to write.

0:22:070:22:09

-Could you help?

-Yes.

0:22:090:22:11

Here you go, Sonny Jim.

0:22:110:22:12

Lady Sarah,

0:22:120:22:14

you're pretty, it's so true.

0:22:140:22:15

Oh, yes. This is great stuff.

0:22:150:22:17

Such a shame you smell of doo-doo.

0:22:170:22:20

-Ha-ha!

-D-O-O, that...

0:22:200:22:21

Right, enough from you two.

0:22:220:22:24

Get out there and make this house clean!

0:22:240:22:26

THEY LAUGH

0:22:260:22:28

-Doo-doo!

-Hey, Hacks, what are we going to do?

0:22:280:22:31

Well, I quite fancy a sandwich.

0:22:310:22:34

No, I mean about Lady Sarah.

0:22:340:22:35

Oh, her. Well, we could do this.

0:22:350:22:38

HE WHISPERS

0:22:380:22:39

Lord Percy!

0:22:420:22:44

Lady Sarah is waiting in the drawing-room for you.

0:22:460:22:49

Ah. Excellent.

0:22:490:22:51

HE CHUCKLES

0:22:520:22:53

-Lady Sarah.

-(DEEP VOICE) Good afternoon.

0:22:530:22:56

(FALSETTO) I mean, good afternoon, Lord Percy.

0:22:560:23:00

I've written you a poem.

0:23:000:23:02

Would you like to hear it?

0:23:020:23:04

No, not really.

0:23:040:23:05

I don't really like poetry,

0:23:050:23:07

and I don't like you much either.

0:23:070:23:10

But, Lady Sarah...

0:23:100:23:13

we are meant to be together!

0:23:130:23:15

I can think of no other way to show you my love.

0:23:150:23:18

-I will kiss you!

-Rowf?

0:23:180:23:20

Mm! Mmmm!

0:23:210:23:23

Lord Percy! What are you doing?

0:23:230:23:26

Lady Sarah!

0:23:260:23:27

I...I thought that was you.

0:23:270:23:30

You thought...THAT was me?

0:23:300:23:33

How dare you! Good day.

0:23:330:23:36

Lady Sarah, no! But...

0:23:360:23:39

Right, I've got a job for you.

0:23:390:23:41

My chimney needs sweeping,

0:23:410:23:43

and my brush is broken.

0:23:430:23:45

You'll make the perfect replacement.

0:23:450:23:47

Oh, bodges!

0:23:470:23:49

Ha-ha! Bye-bye!

0:23:500:23:52

And don't come back! Ha-ha-ha!

0:23:520:23:55

HE GROANS

0:23:560:23:59

Dodgina!

0:23:590:24:01

Dodgina, let me in!

0:24:010:24:03

It's cold out here!

0:24:030:24:04

Ain't I good at acting and that?

0:24:060:24:08

Yeah, mat. You're...brilliant.

0:24:080:24:10

-Thank you.

-I'm still a better comedian.

-Hmm?

0:24:100:24:13

I'd better go on, mate. See you.

0:24:130:24:15

What?

0:24:150:24:16

Got to head off, be famous on telly and stuff, but enjoy...this. Bye.

0:24:160:24:19

Iain! Iain! Don't go.

0:24:190:24:22

What?

0:24:220:24:23

I was just getting used to having you around.

0:24:230:24:26

Yeah, but I've got to head off, so see you later. Bye.

0:24:260:24:29

Iain!

0:24:290:24:30

If you stay,

0:24:300:24:31

I thought I could change the name of the show to, um...

0:24:310:24:36

Iain and Hacker Time.

0:24:360:24:37

Iain and Hacker Time?

0:24:380:24:40

I would literally have my own show?

0:24:400:24:44

Yeah, in a...in a small way.

0:24:440:24:46

My own show!

0:24:460:24:48

This is the best news I've ever received!

0:24:480:24:50

I'm so excited I could actually...

0:24:500:24:53

PHRRT!

0:24:530:24:54

Sorry.

0:24:540:24:55

Iain Stirling, you're a monster!

0:24:550:24:59

It slipped out!

0:24:590:25:00

I don't care, I will not have trouser sounds like that on my show!

0:25:000:25:04

Our show.

0:25:040:25:06

No, not any more.

0:25:060:25:08

You unsightly man, get out!

0:25:080:25:10

But can I not just...?

0:25:100:25:11

Get out. Please leave my areas.

0:25:110:25:14

-Can I just stay for...?

-No!

0:25:140:25:16

Can I have a...Hacker Time dog ball?

0:25:160:25:19

Oh, no, not you.

0:25:190:25:20

Please leave.

0:25:200:25:21

OK, can I take the...?

0:25:210:25:23

Leave the penguin and get out.

0:25:230:25:25

-You're not welcome round here.

-I'm just going to... Sorry, my fault.

0:25:250:25:29

-You've damaged him!

-I'm having him.

-Take him.

0:25:290:25:31

What a lovely man.

0:25:310:25:33

Now I've got my show back,

0:25:330:25:34

it's time for some of my favourite LOLs from around the world.

0:25:340:25:38

It's time for...

0:25:380:25:39

Hacker's top three presenting howlers!

0:25:390:25:43

Three!

0:25:430:25:45

In at three is a reminder.

0:25:450:25:47

When presenting, remember to watch out for conkers.

0:25:470:25:51

And now, the great conker challenge!

0:25:510:25:55

Ta-ra!

0:25:550:25:57

Great fanfare, guys.

0:25:570:25:58

Thanks for that. Ow!

0:25:580:26:00

Ha-ha! Right in the thumbsquudge!

0:26:020:26:05

Two!

0:26:070:26:09

At two is a man landing on his bot-bot.

0:26:090:26:12

And that includes the sleeping accommodation,

0:26:120:26:15

hundreds of tightly-packed hammocks,

0:26:150:26:17

true to the design of the original ships,

0:26:170:26:20

and just as awkward to get into.

0:26:200:26:22

One!

0:26:290:26:30

And at number one, don't try to present on telly

0:26:300:26:33

when you've got a reptile with you.

0:26:330:26:35

This guy is probably close to five feet.

0:26:350:26:38

Texas rat snakes are going to be

0:26:380:26:40

one of the largest snakes

0:26:400:26:41

you find in the metroplex area...

0:26:410:26:44

What the...?!

0:26:440:26:45

Get this thing off me, man!

0:26:470:26:49

Get this thing off me!

0:26:490:26:50

Oh, he's in a right state.

0:26:500:26:52

Calm yourself down, man. You'll do yourself a nonsense.

0:26:520:26:55

That's it for today.

0:26:550:26:57

Thanks to me for being the best presenter on telly,

0:26:570:27:00

and thanks to you lot for watching.

0:27:000:27:02

What about me?

0:27:020:27:03

Oh, yeah. And thanks to Iain for being on and that.

0:27:030:27:07

Now it's time for my song.

0:27:070:27:09

Way-hey! Ooh ooh ooh!

0:27:090:27:11

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:150:27:18

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:180:27:20

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:200:27:22

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:220:27:25

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

0:27:250:27:27

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

0:27:270:27:30

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

0:27:300:27:32

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

0:27:320:27:34

# Iain Stirling, that Scottish mess, gatecrashed my show today

0:27:340:27:39

# I proved that I'm the funniest one

0:27:390:27:42

# Then he disgraced himself so he could not stay

0:27:420:27:44

# That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:440:27:46

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

0:27:460:27:49

# I'll see you next time on this show of my time

0:27:490:27:51

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:510:27:54

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:540:27:56

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

0:27:560:27:59

In the last of the series, Hacker tries to trick a huge teenage heart-throb into the studio. It goes horribly wrong, and CBBC's Iain Stirling has his part to play in it!

Featuring sketches, comedy guests and outtakes from other programmes, plus a return for the final time to the hysterically historical Downstairs Abbey. Will Lord Percy ever fall for Hackerella?


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