Iain Stirling Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! # Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the show, Hacker T Dog!

-He-he! Erm, Hacker? HACKER?

-Help! I'm up here!

Hmph! Get me down, Derek!

I'm supposed to be lowered in in a showbiz and impressive manner.

-Sorry, Hacker. The lever's stuck.

-Get me down!

DEREK STRAINS

I am livid, Derek. I can't stay up here all day.

Start the show, Hacker, while I sort it out.

Oh, bodges. All right, then.

This is Hacker Time.

'Coming up we've got this,

'this,

'and that.'

It's going to be a great sho-o-ow!

CRASH

Why does that not entirely surprise me? Here's some howlers.

Ah. Oof!

MUSIC: "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba

This family moved... Ooh!

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What a collection of calamities. More hilarious howlers later.

ALARM SOUNDS

Ooh, your guest's on his way, Hacker.

Oh, good. You're going to love this.

I've got a massive big guest coming in today.

He's got great hair, he's a teen heartthrob

and he's loved all over the world!

It's so exciting!

DRUMROLL

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really proud

to present world-famous superstar Justin Bieber!

# Baby, baby, baby, ooh... #

Justin Bieber?

Iain, what are you doing here? Get out the way!

Justin Bieber's coming!

Justin! JUSTIN! Aw.

Right, wait there, Stirling. Don't get comfy.

-Derek, where's Justin Bieber?

-Justin Bieber?

No, no. It's Iain Stirling who I've arranged for our guest today.

Iain? What did you do that for?

I said I wanted a massive celebrity with great hair

who's a teen heartthrob and who's loved all over the world.

-I thought you meant Iain.

-Of course I didn't mean Iain!

He's a low-quality celebrity at best, and his hair is substandard.

-I want Bieber!

-Oh, dear.

Oh, bodges.

Hey Hacks, mate! Thought I'd come and be on the show.

The old lads together. Us old buddies have a right old LOL.

-Laugh out, laugh out loud.

-Yeah, great(!)

-What's the matter?

-I said, "Yeah! Great! Ha-ha!"

You don't seem very excited.

You weren't expecting someone else, were you?

-Oh, no! Definitely not. Not that.

-I'm pretty excited about this, mate.

I've got a Hacker badge on. Official merchandise.

Yay, whoopee(!)

Hey, isn't it time for that hilarious part of the show

where you show the hilarious fact file about me?

No! I'm not going to do that this week.

I know, let's have a nice little chat instead.

No, no. Let's, let's do the fact file. Derek! Show the profile!

Justin Bieber is a Canadian megastar who burst

onto the pop scene in 2007,

when he clocked up more than 10 million internet hits.

He has won a string of awards like Best Male at the MTV Music Awards

and International Breakthrough Artist at the Brit Awards.

Plus he's had has loads of hit songs, a movie and sell-out tours.

And he's here today!

Why, it's international megastar, JUSTIN BIEBER!

-You were expecting Justin Bieber, weren't you?

-No!

-What's that, then?

-Just a joke!

Just a joke? What's this then?

FANFARE

-Is that a joke as well?

-All right, then, Iain!

I was expecting Bieber. You ruined everything for me!

You sicken me, Stirling.

I'm here now! What were you thinking?

Justin Bieber wouldn't come on this show in a million years!

Yes, he will! He'll be here any minute! I'm sure of it.

TICKING CLOCK

-Iain?

-Yes?

I don't think he's coming, is he?

Shall we just do it?

-It's probably for the best, isn't it?

-Yeah.

So, Iain. You have a history of making telly on CBBC and that.

Do you think you're any good?

You should know, mate. We normally do it together, don't we?

I think I could do it betterer then you.

Why haven't you tried before? We're a double act.

Pipe down, Stirling!

Watch and learn, vole eyes. Pull that lever!

'Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

'Today I will show you how to make CBBC betterer

'in a few simple steps.'

I don't know why CBBC don't have any puppets,

cos they can be right entertaining and that.

Like my mate, Harry Tongue. Y'all right, Harry?

Y'all right, Hacker?

I was just hanging about in the kitchen.

Ha-ha-ha! You're so funny.

Off you go, Harry.

Now, all CBBC shows should feature just me. Yes.

Imagine... Imagine...

Hello and welcome to Hacker BBC.

Coming up today we have... Hacker Round, with me.

Hacker 60. Oh! I'm in that.

Hacker Jane Adventures. Good drama, that is.

MI Hacker, Tracy Hacker, Scoop,

Hacker Time... Blue... Blue Peter. Blue Peter?

Blue Peter? Hold on a minute. I'm not in that! What's that doing here?

I don't even like the programme!

Blue? I see in black-and-white!

My final plan to make CBBC awesome is to have it on 24 hours a day,

non-stop, with me!

Foolproof! Oh, but how would I go lav-lav?

Any ideas, Harry?

I'm not using that! I'm not an animal, you know!

All right, put it on the floor.

I can't go with you looking at me!

Ah! Glorious bottle!

So accommodating.

-So that's better than CBBC, is it?

-Yes, Iain. A big relief!

Since you're here, I thought we'd take a look

at some clips of you on the telly and that.

Nothing I like more than looking at clips of me.

I am a good-looking and talented television presenter.

With perfect hair.

Well, that's not what you said on this clip.

Welcome back to the CBBC office. Still to come today, TSOTB.

Sorry... I know...

My hair... is horrible.

Run network!

LAUGHTER

-That's been doctored in some ways.

-No, it hasn't!

My T-shirt changes on several occasions.

Oh, Iain!

Now, some of our more silly viewers might want to know more about you.

-I don't blame them.

-I can't think why.

So I'm going to ask you some questions like proper TV people do.

Go on, then.

Why don't you spell your name properly?!

I do! That's how you, it's Gaelic.

-I don't agree with it!

-It's I, A, I, N.

-That's a proper way to...

-You're wrong!

Why do you talk in that silly voice all the time?

I don't!

-This is my,... You know this! I'm Scottish.

-It's weird!

It's not, it's normal!

Why are your eyes so tiny, like a vole's eyes.

They're not small.

-They're tiny!

-There normal-sized for my face.

-They're not natural!

-They're symmetrical!

Who's your best friend in the whole wide world?

Do you know, do you know Hacker?

-Not him.

-Iain!

What is your favourite...? Excuse me a second.

-What's your favourite...? Sorry.

-What are you doing?

What is your...? Will you stop it!

Hacker, ask Iain better questions, like, about his amazing hair.

Do you think I can have hair like his?

NYAARGH!

He could've just said no.

That's got it. Aiee! Phew!

Now, who's your...? Er, oh. I've forgotten the question.

Never mind. It can't have been important.

Hey, shall we look at some clips of you looking stupid on CBBC instead?

I'd rather you didn't.

I'm going to because you look like a right mooey in this lot.

-Let's not show them, then.

-Let's show them. Good idea.

-Flick that switch.

-I'd rather not.

-Just do it. The switch!

To Iain... You are the world's most stupidest man!

BELCHING

It's me! The jester!

Hey, Sally! BREAKS WIND

BODGES!

I'm a beautiful air hostess.

LAUGHTER

You regularly look silly on live TV, Iain, don't you?

-Not as silly as you do.

-A good point. Shall we move on?

Now, Iain, I have some more questions for you.

Take them seriously! This is a proper serious bit, this.

The public need to know! Spotlight please, Herman.

Right, Hacker.

-What's your favourite CBBC show?

-I quite like BAMZOOKi.

Good answer. Who's your favourite presenter?

-Can I say me?

-No!

-Barney Harwood.

-Good choice.

If you had a show - never going to happen - what would it be about?

It would be called Iain's Show and it would be about people walking in

and saying, "Ah! Are you Iain?" I'd go, "No big deal."

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Stop now!

So that's what you think.

The other day I asked some actual children about kids' TV and that,

because they should know, shouldn't they?

Here's what happened. Press that button!

Thank you.

Hello! As you know, I'm Hacker.

But what you don't know yet is what the nation thinks

about some very important questions.

So let's get amongst it.

CRASHING AND SHOUTING

Let me out! Let me out of here!

So now we know what they think. Let's go and ask some other people.

-Hello!

-ALL: Hello!

-How are you all? OK?

-ALL: Yes!

Well I'm here now to ask you a few questions about, erm, CBBC.

-Who likes Dick and Dom?

-Me.

-What do you like about Dick and Dom?

-They're funny.

They are, aren't they? What do they shout out?

-ALL: Bogies.

-Louder!

-All: BOGIES!

-Dani.

-Mine is Sam and Mark.

-Chris.

-You're popular, Johnson!

-Helen from Blue Peter.

-Barney.

-Do you like Iain as well?

-A bit.

-A bit! Did you hear that, Stirling? Only a bit.

-Hacker.

-You.

-Me? What about Steve Backshall?

-I don't know about him.

-You don't like him?

I do, but you're better.

Hear that, Backshall? I'm better and I've got more muscles.

-You.

-Aw, little old me?

-You.

-That is it, folks. It's resounding.

I am the best one. Fact.

What's your favourite CBBC show?

-Tracy Beaker Returns.

-I like Scoop.

-Deadly 60.

If you had your own programme, what would it be about?

Finding a million dollars on the floor.

Me and you playing football.

-Hello. This programme is about me.

-Very good.

-Funny things.

-Like funny faces?

-Yeah.

Can you all do my funny face?

Ready, everyone?

There we are, folks. We have learned a few things there.

Basically, I am the best CBBC presenter,

my programmes, Scoop and Hacker Time,

are the best ones around,

and Iain Stirling has not been involved in any of the good stuff.

Fact. Let's have a nice big clap for all these lovely people.

Give yourselves a big clap, everyone. Yeah! Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Hey!

You've edited that!

You've taken out the bits where they said they liked Iain Stirling.

How dare you! That is a terrible accusation.

You have no tangible fans.

Anyway, the next bit we're going to do is...

Ooh! Iain, look.

You wait there, I'm just going to go over there and...do something.

You occupy yourself for a minute.

I just wanted...

Oh, look at that. A big shiny red button

that would only benefit from a nice big old pushing.

So let's have a little... Oh.

"Do not push"? Aw, what a spoilsport.

Spoils all my fun, right. Could have pushed that button.

Still might be considering...

I mean, what's the worst that could possibly happen?

Hey!

Oi! What you doing?

Every single show, you press that button

and something terrible happens.

Mate, do the right thing. Don't press the button.

Oh, Iain, you're right.

I'm going to behave in the correct manner, hey.

-Make me proud, you do, mate.

-Aw.

So, eh, what are we doing...?

ALARM BLARES

EXPLOSIONS

We appear to have lift-off and we're not ready!

THUNDER CRASHES

-Iain?

-Yeah, mate?

-Back away.

-Yeah, good idea.

-Let's never speak of this again.

-Yeah, brilliant, yeah.

Oh look, a...a fire.

Still to come today,

this,

this...

..and this. Who are they? Oh, heck. Put something else on, Derek, quick!

Here's some more howlers.

Ha-ha! Look!

Heh-heh!

BANG!

Ooh, that was frightening.

Mind the shed. Oh no! The shed!

Oh, look.

Oh, look!

Oh, neigh!

Oh, mind the hammock.

Ooh!

Stop.

Heh heh! Moisture!

Moisture! Moisture!

He's got a wig on. Ha!

Oh, not the guttering, sir.

Ha-ha!

Oh! No!

Land it, land it!

He's landed.

Oh, no. Oh!

-What a load of LOLs.

-Aw.

More of them later.

OK, coming up now, we've got Downstairs Abbey.

No, hey!

Before Downstairs Abbey,

don't you normally do that bit where the guest shows off their talent?

-Aren't we doing that?

-No.

Why not?

Because you have no talent, Iain.

What can you do? Sing? No.

Dance? No.

Act? I don't think so.

How very dare you. I can do lots of things.

I can, erm....

Ah! I can...

Oh, I'm not allowed to.

Oh! I can definitely...

Oh, I can't.

See? You're a disgrace, with no skills!

Oh! Comedy!

I can do stand-up comedy. I'm a world-famous stand-up comedian.

Oh, not that again.

Yeah, and I can teach you all the skills you need to be as funny as me.

Huh! Won't take long.

Let's go to the part of the studio

-that happens to be decorated appropriately. Come on.

-Yeah.

DRUM ROLL

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome CBBC funny man...

Hacker T Dog!

CHEERING

Thank you! Thank you very much.

-Oh yeah, and please welcome Iain as well.

-Thank you!

Yeah!

You shouldn't have!

-They didn't.

-No.

Hi. Listen, basically, there's a few tricks,

a few brilliant jokes you can tell.

I'm going to let you master just a few. Ready for this?

-Yeah, go on.

-First one's the "waiter, waiter" joke.

You go into a restaurant and ask a waiter about a problem.

He gives you a comedy answer to the problem.

-You ready?

-Yeah.

Ahem.

Waiter, waiter. What's this fly doing in my soup?

The backstroke.

SILENCE

You what?

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Tough crowd.

OK, they may not go for it, but do you want to try the waiter joke?

-Yeah, go on, bring that thing down.

-Waiter, comedy answer... Ready?

Hello?

Waiter, waiter,

I'm very pleased with the standard of service in this restaurant tonight.

Thank you very much!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Hold on, hold on. That wasn't a joke.

That was a commentary on the standard of service.

-Hilarious, that.

-It wasn't a joke!

Listen. Joke number two, this is.

Get ready, people, because you are about to be comedied.

-Doctor, doctor.

-I'll just move here.

You go into the surgery, you ask the doctor about something,

and he gives a comedy answer.

-Make it happen!

-I'll make it happen. You ready, guys? Thought so.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together, then!

Slam!

-What?

-Well...

-What was that meant to mean?

-What? That was...

-Right, go on. If you're so...

-Bring that down.

-Listen!

-What?

Doctor, doctor, comedy answer. Go!

I'll do it. Ahem.

Doctor, doctor.

Um, I've got a bit of an ailment on me toe.

LAUGHTER

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Huzzah! I'm here all week.

-What? You can't just talk about your ailments!

-Course you can.

Where's the structure?

It got a laugh, didn't it?

That is it. I'm pulling out the big guns.

-Go on, then.

-Pulling out the big jokes.

You pull out the big jokes.

You ready for this, people?

This is a knock-knock joke.

A knock-knock and a comedy answer.

-I'll stand here, you do it.

-You be the guy behind the door.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

-Doctor.

-Doctor who?

Yup. That's me.

SILENCE

-I don't get that.

-It's Matt Smith!

-What's wrong with you?

-What's wrong with THEM?

Are you damaged or something?

BOOING

-Right, go on.

-Get it down here.

-Doctor, doctor.

-Lower! Fix it a bit!

-Aww!

That's it. Ahem.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Doctor Who.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

The time-travelling GP. Yes.

-Oh no, you're not having that.

-What?

-What was that?

-It was a joke.

-It wasn't a joke!

-It got a laugh.

-It didn't have a structure.

-Doesn't matter.

-You lot, right?

You don't know... You're rubbish!

-Keep them out of this.

-No, listen,

you lot wouldn't know comedy if it bit you on the...

Bum!

LAUGHTER

Oh! So that's what it is now? Right, bum. Bum.

BOOING

Bum!

BOOING CONTINUES

Thank you! Thank you, oh, thank you.

Very nice of you, that. Thank you.

What a lovely audience.

And as a treat, here I've got a lovely episode of Downstairs Abbey.

I, Hackerella,

hope that one day I will be married to my master,

Lord Percy.

I love him so much,

I've drawn a little picture of him.

Oh,

Lord Percy.

Oh, Lord Percy.

HE SIGHS

-Hey, you. You just copied me.

-No, I didn't.

BELL RINGS

Oh! Lord Percy!

-I'll go, I'll go.

-No, I'll go.

Get the... Oh...

-Stop! Stop it!

-Move your foot out of the way.

Ah! Ahem. Girls.

I need your help.

The beautiful Lady Sarah is visiting this afternoon,

and I want to impress her with a poem.

But I can't think what to write.

-Could you help?

-Yes.

Here you go, Sonny Jim.

Lady Sarah,

you're pretty, it's so true.

Oh, yes. This is great stuff.

Such a shame you smell of doo-doo.

-Ha-ha!

-D-O-O, that...

Right, enough from you two.

Get out there and make this house clean!

THEY LAUGH

-Doo-doo!

-Hey, Hacks, what are we going to do?

Well, I quite fancy a sandwich.

No, I mean about Lady Sarah.

Oh, her. Well, we could do this.

HE WHISPERS

Lord Percy!

Lady Sarah is waiting in the drawing-room for you.

Ah. Excellent.

HE CHUCKLES

-Lady Sarah.

-(DEEP VOICE) Good afternoon.

(FALSETTO) I mean, good afternoon, Lord Percy.

I've written you a poem.

Would you like to hear it?

No, not really.

I don't really like poetry,

and I don't like you much either.

But, Lady Sarah...

we are meant to be together!

I can think of no other way to show you my love.

-I will kiss you!

-Rowf?

Mm! Mmmm!

Lord Percy! What are you doing?

Lady Sarah!

I...I thought that was you.

You thought...THAT was me?

How dare you! Good day.

Lady Sarah, no! But...

Right, I've got a job for you.

My chimney needs sweeping,

and my brush is broken.

You'll make the perfect replacement.

Oh, bodges!

Ha-ha! Bye-bye!

And don't come back! Ha-ha-ha!

HE GROANS

Dodgina!

Dodgina, let me in!

It's cold out here!

Ain't I good at acting and that?

Yeah, mat. You're...brilliant.

-Thank you.

-I'm still a better comedian.

-Hmm?

I'd better go on, mate. See you.

What?

Got to head off, be famous on telly and stuff, but enjoy...this. Bye.

Iain! Iain! Don't go.

What?

I was just getting used to having you around.

Yeah, but I've got to head off, so see you later. Bye.

Iain!

If you stay,

I thought I could change the name of the show to, um...

Iain and Hacker Time.

Iain and Hacker Time?

I would literally have my own show?

Yeah, in a...in a small way.

My own show!

This is the best news I've ever received!

I'm so excited I could actually...

PHRRT!

Sorry.

Iain Stirling, you're a monster!

It slipped out!

I don't care, I will not have trouser sounds like that on my show!

Our show.

No, not any more.

You unsightly man, get out!

But can I not just...?

Get out. Please leave my areas.

-Can I just stay for...?

-No!

Can I have a...Hacker Time dog ball?

Oh, no, not you.

Please leave.

OK, can I take the...?

Leave the penguin and get out.

-You're not welcome round here.

-I'm just going to... Sorry, my fault.

-You've damaged him!

-I'm having him.

-Take him.

What a lovely man.

Now I've got my show back,

it's time for some of my favourite LOLs from around the world.

It's time for...

Hacker's top three presenting howlers!

Three!

In at three is a reminder.

When presenting, remember to watch out for conkers.

And now, the great conker challenge!

Ta-ra!

Great fanfare, guys.

Thanks for that. Ow!

Ha-ha! Right in the thumbsquudge!

Two!

At two is a man landing on his bot-bot.

And that includes the sleeping accommodation,

hundreds of tightly-packed hammocks,

true to the design of the original ships,

and just as awkward to get into.

One!

And at number one, don't try to present on telly

when you've got a reptile with you.

This guy is probably close to five feet.

Texas rat snakes are going to be

one of the largest snakes

you find in the metroplex area...

What the...?!

Get this thing off me, man!

Get this thing off me!

Oh, he's in a right state.

Calm yourself down, man. You'll do yourself a nonsense.

That's it for today.

Thanks to me for being the best presenter on telly,

and thanks to you lot for watching.

What about me?

Oh, yeah. And thanks to Iain for being on and that.

Now it's time for my song.

Way-hey! Ooh ooh ooh!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two watching some clips

# I laughed so hard that I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

# Iain Stirling, that Scottish mess, gatecrashed my show today

# I proved that I'm the funniest one

# Then he disgraced himself so he could not stay

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of my time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #