Helen Skelton Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

One perfectly polished floor. Splendid!

Eh, look, we're on. Hacker!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the show, Hacker T Dog.

You all right, cockers? Ow!

Owww!

What the...? Oh, do it again.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the show, Hacker T Dog.

You all right, cockers? Ow!

CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES

What's going on here?

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star, Hacker T Dog.

You all right, cockers?

I'm Hacker The Dog and you're watching Hacker Time!

Oh, bodges!

Coming up, there's some of this...

Plenty of this...

And a bit of this...

I'm damaged.

Quick, Derek, play some howlers.

Ooh, I'm broken.

They'll never guess where the buzzer is(!)

I missed the ball!

Your pizza, sir.

Where have you been?

Oh, I fell off me hook.

I've been here for four years.

-Four years!

-Yes.

Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?

Because doorb...

Uh-oh!

And it was... Argh! Ha ha ha!

Oh, that's not funny. I'm soaked!

Ha, ha-ha! Oh, ho ho ho! Oh, what a load of cha-os, eh?

Stay watching.

I've got loads more funny stuff to show you later,

isn't that right, Derek?

That's right, Hacker.

Now look lively, lad.

Today's guest is on her way.

Have a look at who'll be getting amongst it today.

Not that she knows it yet.

It's Helen from Blue Peter.

SHE READS SIGN

Perfect! That is exactly what I'm looking for.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's very special guest,

Blue Peter hair-raiser, Helen Skelton.

What the...? Special guest?

-Are you all right, Helen?

-Oh, hiya, Hacker, are you all right?

I'm looking for that meeting about the scary challenge.

I really think it's time I climbed Everest.

-I've never jumped out of a plane and I...

-No, no, no!

-No, it's much harder than that.

-Perfect!

I am so glad you are up for me doing a scary challenge.

-No-one encourages me to do these things.

-Whoa, whoa!

Calm yourself. You'll have to wait.

We've got some stuff to do first.

You're today's guest on my show!

Guest?

-Show?

-Yeah.

I don't know if I've got time.

I've got the dog to walk and a lot of scary things to find.

Don't worry, you'll love it. It's a dead good show and that.

And I smell much better than that Barney...Harwood.

All right. Well, I'll stick around for a bit.

But only if you promise to tell me about this scary, impossible,

crazy challenge that you've lined up, because...

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you, sure. But first, watch this.

It's a fact-file thingy about you.

Push that red lever.

Helen Skelton presents Blue Peter.

And is best known for liking big, hairy challenges.

Helen's always doing lots of amazing daredevil antics and that.

Like breaking two world records rowing down the Amazon river.

Running three marathons back to back in the Namibian desert.

And, most of all... cleaning a chair?!

What's she up to?

What's that all about, eh?

What's she like?!

It's Helen Skelton.

What was that chair thing all about?

It's not a chair. It's a throne.

And I was cleaning it with spit.

What, like this? Hwock-puh!

-No! That would be disgusting.

-Yeah.

You lick a cotton bud and then polish it.

-Oh, get all the filth off.

-Yeah.

Now, you're an adventurer-er, aren't you?

-You could say that, yeah. I guess so.

-I did say that.

What's wrong with you, madam?

Anyway, I could do adventurer-ing better-er than you.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Watch and learn, little lady.

Watch and, indeed, you will learn.

Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

Today I'm bettererising adventure in several death-defying steps.

Forget about your sat-navs, this is a finely-tuned instrument.

It can smell out anything.

Mad servant, hither.

Blindfold me.

That's a bit tight. Calm yourself down.

I'll prove myself by sniffing out this priceless Ming vase,

filled with stinking flowers.

It's a one-off, you know.

Right, here we go. Sniff.

Sniff, sniff. Ow!

Right in the face, that got me.

I'll have another go.

Sniff, sniff, sniff.

Sniff, sniff, sniff. Told you I'd find it!

Clever boy. Good boy.

Hey, what's going on? Help me!

Mad servant, I'm frightened.

Yeah, well, I've had a bit of a blocked nose all week

so that's why I couldn't...

Now, I think adventuring should be made more easy-going.

Why, what do we have here?

It's a picture of some sort of Mother Nature thing

at her very best.

And look who we've got.

Why, it's me, Little Old Hacker.

Hello, I'm Little Hacker

and I'm going to go for a jump over the Grand Canyon!

Oh, no! Little Hacker!

He's fallen off his stick.

Why did this have to happen?

He was so young.

He had everything to live for.

Arrrgh!

I'm aghast.

Oh, that was sad.

Moving on, the last thing I'm going to do to be

an ultimate adventurer-er is invent a new extreme sport.

So I give you extreme...

Erm... Ah! Ming vase-dusting!

Yes. Oh, look at its pricelessness.

It's another one-off, you know.

Ah. Ha. Ha. Ha. Hee. Hoo.

Ahhh-chooo!

Uh-oh!

Oh, no! I'm stuck in the vase again.

There's a spider in here.

Argh! Get it off me nose! Mother!

Hacker, I'm not sure that counts as adventuring.

The only thing you explored was the bottom of a few vases.

I know. Good, isn't it? Ha ha!

Now, Helen, we know you from Blue Peter, right,

where you do all those good challenges.

Well, what's the hardest challenge you've done?

Probably downhill skateboarding. It was so painful.

-You know, I nearly broke my legs.

-That's not right, is it?

-No.

My favourite one was the Amazon one we did, do you remember?

We had a right old LOL doing that, didn't we?

We? I didn't see you in the jungle.

Helen! How could you forget that? I was there all along with you.

Have a look. Press that butt-on.

-TEARFULLY:

-I've been going five hours. It's red hot.

I've been up since half three.

I'm just tired.

The magnitude of what I've taken on finally hits me.

You all right, Helen? What you crying for?

This Amazon thing's a right old doddle, isn't it?

I've been up and down the river three times already.

Bye-bye!

Woo-hoo!

Do you like it?

Now, listen, Helen Skeleton...

I wish you had been there.

-That was real, weren't it?

-I missed you.

-Oh, you!

Helen Skeleton, me and you are showbiz friends, of course.

But the people at home might want to know more about you, so I'll ask

some interesting questions, like a proper presenter would do.

OK.

What is your favourite cheese-based foodstuffs?

Er, toasted sandwich.

-With cheese in?

-Yeah.

When was the last time you stroked an hedgehog?

I don't know why I'm answering these like a quiz.

I've never done that. It would hurt.

Er, do you like WOOL?

Wool, wool, wool, wool.

I love wool. I've got a handbag made out of lamb's wool.

Oh! Is your dog Barney as talented as me?

Look, I can do this. Look.

He can put his leg behind his head.

Ohhh!

Right, this one's a good one. Have you ever been...

Oh, excuse me.

Have you ever, erm... Oh!

Have you ever done that... Oh, stop itching me.

Have you ever... Stop it! Arrrgh!

Oh, Hacker, stop asking Helen stupid questions

and ask her something proper.

Hey, calm down and listen to my joke.

What did Helen Skelton say to Barney the dog?

I do not know.

Look out or you'll get hit in the face!

I don't get it.

Argh!

Oh, yeah! That's better. Thanks, Helen.

What was I talking about? Something to do with Belgians?

Nothing to do with them. You were about to tell me about this idea.

The idea for my crazy, impossible, scary challenge.

-Come on, what is it?

-No, it wasn't that.

Er, never mind. I've forgotten.

I tell you what, though.

We could watch some clips of you going wrong and that.

No!

Wrong answer. R-r-run it!

THUD

Oh, nooo!

I've hit the car.

Oh, no. It's really scratched.

You dented it and ruined the paint.

Ohhh! Well, I'll tell you what,

I'll lick it off.

SHE SQUEALS

Oh! I've snapped the needle.

I am in a dress made entirely of balloon.

As stylist, I'm in charge of the clothes

so I've come to Vogue's secret...ooh!

A few hours ago, this was just a pile of metal and plastic but now...

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

She's alive!

Ahh!

Yeah, this really is an incredible venue.

I have got no idea what I'm saying. Sorry.

Do you like it?

Gross! You can see him in the back of shot.

-He's not squeezing one out, he's squirting one out.

-Oh, nice.

Oh, that dog's poo is toxic.

Yes, keep walking, stinky!

I reckon we should give Joel the pogo stick.

All right, now, I was very lucky...

Yes! That's why we don't give Joel the pogo stick.

Ha, ha-ha! What a LOL!

-Can we move on, please?

-Oh, Helen!

-Quickly.

Seeing that adventure stuff makes me want to know more.

So I'm going to ask you three quickfire questions

-and I want you to give me three quickfire answers.

-OK.

Spotlight, please, Herman.

Oh, easy! OK.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Go! What is the weirdest place you've ever been to?

An oil wrestling festival in Turkey.

What one luxury item do you always take with you on your adventure-rs?

False eyelashes.

-Do an adventurer pose.

-I'm scared!

Do it, do it, do it!

-Oh, that's nice.

-HOOTER BUZZES

Good answers, but I want to know what real people

have to say about adventuring.

I'm off. Hurrah!

Well, what do you know?

I've gone and found my way down the road to this place here,

where them little children do those things with that stuff

with the other people who do the other things and that.

And I need answers to my questions.

So let's get in there and find out what they think.

I bet they'll be glad to see me.

Get out! You're not welcome in here.

You filthy animal.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Those little children were rude.

And they weren't so little, either, come to think of it.

Let's go and speak to some others.

-Hello, everyone.

-Hello.

I'm going to ask you some questions today

and we'll find out about adventuring.

What is the weirdest place that you've ever been to?

A dungeon museum.

Was it scarier than this face?

Yeah.

-Where's the weirdest place you've ever been to?

-My dad's kitchen.

Your dad's kitchen? Ha ha ha!

-I've been to Narnia.

-You've not been to Narnia!

-Oh, yes, I have.

-Germany.

-Germany, have you been to Germany?

-Yeah.

-Can you speak German?

-Yeah.

-Go on, then.

-Ich war in Deutschland.

-What does that mean?

I've been to Germany.

I know, you just told me that. But what does it mean?

If you went to a place and you could only take one luxury item,

-what would it be?

-My camera.

-A helicopter.

-A phone.

-TV.

-A TV? What would you watch on it?

-Your show.

-My show! The correct answer.

-That's right, you would watch Scoop, wouldn't you?

-Yep.

-And Hacker Time.

And all my other top-notch shows.

-HELLO!

-Hi!

Now let's all do our adventurers' poses.

-What is that, table tennis?

-Cutting through the jungle.

-Now, what are you doing?

-Taking a picture.

So you're going one hand on your hip and you're going, "Hee!"

-What does that mean?

-I just found treasure.

You found treasure? Can I have some?

-Yeah, sure. I've got loads.

-Hurrah!

Now, what are you doing?

I'm thinking about where to land my helicopter.

Aah! Have you got any plans for where you're thinking of putting it?

-Well, there's a flat bit over there.

-A flat bit over there?

-Yeah.

There's a flat bit over there.

So bear that in mind.

What are you doing?

Looking through a telescope.

-What have you seen?

-Not much.

-Did you see that flat bit for the helicopter?

-Yes.

So we're working as a team.

We've learned that, if nothing else.

We have learned today a lot about adventuring.

We've learned that these guys have been to their dad's kitchen,

to a waxworks and up a tower.

And if they had to take something with them,

they would take their mum, a mobile phone and a helicopter.

And we've all learned how to do an adventure pose. Hit it!

There we go. Thank you very much and goodbye.

ALL: Goodbye!

Thank you.

Oh, look at that lovely, shiny, big red button.

That looks like it would benefit from a nice old push but...

Ohhh! Do not push! Every time!

Why can't I push it? What harm would it do?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-All right, Hacks? What you up to?

Er, nothing, nothing! I wasn't going to do it!

-Do what?

-Er, oh, er, nothing.

Oh. How's the show going?

Oh, it's going right good and that.

I just went to speak to some people and that. Yeah.

So shiny!

-Eh?

-Nothing!

Now, look, Hacks. I just called to tell you something really important.

-Oh, yeah.

-Look, it's really, really important. You listening?

Yes, I am.

Right, whatever you do, don't push the...

Daaa!

SIREN WAILS

-Er, Dodger?

-Yeah?

Er, if I had pressed the button, what would've happened?

Oh-ho ho! Well, it takes about ten seconds

and then it releases a cage full of lions into my kennel.

Ooh.

-Erm...

-You didn't press the button, did you?

LION ROARS

'Argh! Don't let the lion... Oh!'

Oh, ee, he-he-he. Mm-hm.

-Hacker, is everything all right? You look a little bit dodgy.

-Dodge?

I haven't spoken to him in days. Months. Years!

In fact, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.

-I didn't press anything.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you on about?

Oh, er, ooh, eh, nothing.

Nothing at all.

Come on, is it time for my scary, impressive, crazy challenge?

Because I am dying to hear what this idea is you've got for me.

Oh, no, no. That's later. I'm doing a challenge before that, too.

Still to come today, this...

This...

And this... Who are they?! What are they doing in there?

They're not on today. Quick, show some adventure howlers, Derek.

Oh!

Ha ha, ha ha ha! Hee hee!

Ohhh!

Ha ha, he fell over!

Uh-oh!

Oh, look!

Oh, look!

Oooh!

Come on, come on!

Oh, ohhh!

Oh, no!

Ah, ha ha!

Ee, hee hee!

OHHH!

Oh, no!

Classic howlers!

And all of those daring adventurers have inspired our very own Hacker

to do a death-defying challenge.

Hacker, I can't believe you're going to do this.

Well, believe it, love!

Because I am a hair-raising adventurerer.

I shall be shot from inside this cannon across the skies

and into the waiting arms of Dani Harmer from Tracy Beaker.

Well, I take my hat off to you because this is intense.

-You must have been training for months.

-Nah. It looks easy!

-Light the fuse, please.

-I'm on it.

-Thank you.

-Oh, I mean, this is unbelievable.

You'll be flying through the air.

Who knows where you're going to land?

You've got a little white costume.

-You've got no protection.

-Stop it.

BLOWS FRANTICALLY

-Stop it, Helen. Let me out!

-I can't. I've lit it.

-It's going to blow!

-I've changed my mind! Bodges!

HACKER!

Look at the size of that!

The tower of pizzas!

HACKER WAILS

You do love me, Janine!

Oooh!

D-Dani?

Dani, where are you?

Oh, Dani.

Oh, Hacker, are you all right, buddy? You went for miles.

-DROWSILY:

-Of course I'm all right.

You look nice, Mummy.

Have you done something new with your hair?

Hacker?

He'll be all right in a minute, I'm sure.

Just give him a minute.

He better be anyway because he has got to tell me about

this crazy, impossible, mad challenge.

He's been teasing me with it all day.

Hacker? Hacker?

I'll look after him, don't worry.

Right, er, Herman, what's next?

Ooh, yes, er...

Apparently we're watching something that's about dogs in space.

It's meant to be the best thing on telly with two dogs in space.

I think I'll be the judge of that.

Derek, will you press play?

Oh, 'eck! Run 'em. Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Leicester Advanced Space Agency

welcomes you to this mission launch.

The two finest astronauts in the programme

are flying this vital mission.

Counting down.

In five, four...

And a one! Hyargh!

Is there no business class on rockets? Stewardess?

Er, you do know how to fly this thing, right?

Yeah!

Todd, Doug, this is flight director Chuck at Mission Control.

-Great launch!

-Woah!

Hang on, you're not Todd and Doug.

-Help!

-Help us. We're tied up!

Never mind them two. We're here now.

Affirmative.

The mission must continue.

Even if it is you two rats instead of astronauts.

-Cheeky mooey.

-Eh, what's the mission, then?

Head to a far-off planet called Faaarrrqqquuuaaalllaaarrr.

-BOTH:

-Faaaarrrrqualalalala?

It has a rare alien life form on it.

We need to learn about its advanced technology.

The aliens are green, easy to miss.

So, whatever you do, don't land on 'em.

Mission Control out.

Set us down somewhere nice, Dodge.

I've brought a picnic.

-Eh, what about that big green patch?

-Perfect.

Bleugh, blobble, urgh.

What was that squish?

Bleugh, booble, bobble, bleugh.

Now, what did they say that alien looked like?

Uh, uh, uh, like that!

Oh, bodges! Back away slowly, Dodge.

Arrrgh!

'Guys, any luck finding that alien?'

Oh, I'm not going to lie to you, Chuck. There was nothing there.

Barren, it was.

Er, yeah. Bleak. Desolate, even.

Yeah, so we should probably just set our phasers for underwhelmed

and head home.

An amazing discovery, guys.

The flight of the beagle must continue.

Your work isn't done.

-But I need the lav-lav.

-Oh, space bodges!

And off they go to continue their voyage.

But they'll be back to make a complete hash of it again soon,

when we return to Dogs In Space.

Are you sure you're all right, Hacker?

Yeah, I've never felt better-er, Barney.

It's Helen.

Blonde. Helen.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Oh, yeah!

Eh, wasn't Dogs In Space good and that?

Yeah, it was good.

But the thing is, you have been promising me this entire show that

you have a scary, impossible, challenge for me.

It must be time now. Come on, come on. Is it parachuting?

Is it... Oh, I've got it! It's wrestling with crocodiles!

-Harder than all that.

-I definitely know what it is!

I definitely know. It's ice climbing, isn't it?

No. Go over there and get ready.

Even harder?

Ladies and gentlemen, witness the most difficult

and tough challenge ever and that.

Watch Helen Skelton, brave telly woman, open a jar of flipping onions

that I've not been able to get into for weeks!

-Dog, is this it?

-What do you mean?

That's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

I can't shift that lid.

It was hardly even attached.

I mean, I could have blown that off with a little...

Still, at least we've got some pickled onions to eat.

-Do you want one?

-Oh, no. Yuck! I don't like them.

They're muck, them things. Yeuch!

Right, Helen, that's the end. Thanks for coming in.

There's a present here for you. Have a look.

It's a Hacker Time dog bowl.

The Hacker Time dog bowl is the latest in doggy chic.

It's based on the newest dog bowl designs, coming from...

Paris and Milan.

And is 97 percent new. Hoo-hoo!

There you are.

I tested it last night by eating me din-dins out of it.

And it works a treat.

What do you think?

It smells like chicken. But, yeah, cheers, I guess.

That's OK. Now off you pop.

I've stuff to be getting on with. The door's there.

-That's me done?

-That's you done, yeah.

-Oh, right. OK.

-Well, all right.

-See ya. Mind your head.

-Ooh! Didn't hurt.

-Ha, ha-ha!

Right, now she's cleared off, let's take a look at

some of my favourite all-action LOLs from around the world.

This is Hacker's top five adventure howlers.

In at five, there's a right nonsense going on at number five.

Pull left, pull left, pull left.

-I'm pulling left.

-Pull left and push.

And I've landed in a tree!

My first unbelievable flight!

How could you miss a field like this?

At four, more tree-based nonsense.

Ooh, that's a lovely shot.

Hey, mind the... Ohhh!

Let's see that again. Oh, right in the famsquadge!

Never mind, lads.

In at three is a girl doing a bit of zorbing.

That's when you try and walk in a big ball thing.

But she's poor at it! Ha ha!

Here she goes. Nice and eas...

Oh, love, you've fallen down!

Have another go.

Come on, that's it.

Oh, forget it!

Don't bother, love.

It's riddled with aquatic cha-os.

In at two is this woman who's proper scared of rollercoasters and that.

Listen to her scream.

EAR-PIERCING SCREAMS

Ooh, ey, nice hair!

At one, my number one howler today is a boy stuck on an inflatable.

How do they get him off it?

Have a look.

There he goes, up the ladder there.

Nothing unusual about this, you might think.

But what... Oh, no, he's jumped.

Wahey! Moisture!

He went flying, didn't he, Tarquin?

Oh, yeah. Ahem.

That's all for today from Hacker Time.

I'm off now to Posh Spice for a biryani.

Thanks to Helen Skelton for telling us all about

adventuring and that.

Ooh, what a show we've had!

I'm going to reminisce about it now in the form of a song.

Goodbye.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two Watching some clips

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff When I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one!

# I was shot out of a cannon

# And Helen was my special guest

# We had lots of fun and that

# But all that tired me out Now I need to rest

# Well, that is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of Today's Hacker Time! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd