Jedward Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

HE FARTS

# ..You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back Don't eat too much

# This is the show Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

For generations, magicians have amazed the world

with stunning illusions.

Sawing the lady in half.

Levitation.

And pulling a rabbit from a hat.

But now prepare yourselves for the biggest,

most mind-boggling illusion of all.

You will be amazed as Hacker T Dog escapes from a sack.

Erm, hello?

Hello? I've lost the key.

Er, can anyone hear me? It's dark in here.

I need the lav-lav.

LIQUID TRICKLES

Too late. Oh!

Coming up today, we've got some of this...

..a bit of this...

and plenty of me, of course.

Ow, me teeth!

I've banged me teeth on that...

Herman, Derek, help me!

Get us out of here! Run some howlers!

CLUNK!

I'm on it. Oof!

Dogs love water and swimming is a very gentle form of exercise.

This hydrotherapy pool...

Now, I mastered this.

Did you?

Hacker's howlers there! Hacker's howlers.

I've done meself a right mischief in that bag.

BONES CRACK

Ah, that's better. Phwoof!

Anyway, what a load of nonsense them clips were!

Stay watching. There'll be more silliness like that later.

There's more silliness now. Hacker, they're coming.

Oh, that'll be today's guests. Not that they know that yet.

It's Jedward.

-Woah, free hair gel.

-We can never have enough hair gel!

Let's take a look!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jedward.

Woo-hoo!

Are you all right, boys?

Woah! Hacker, what are you doing here?

We're here to get free hair gel.

Oh, yes, about that. It's a long story.

-What's wrong, have you run out?

-Not quite.

-You see, well, the thing is...

-What is it, Hacker?!

-Spit it out!

-There is no hair gel!

Whaaaat?!

My friend Ian used it all up. He used all the hair gel from CBBC.

Ooh, yeah!

Mmm!

I'll be honest, I've tricked you.

There was never any hair gel.

You're actually guests on my tiny little tiny TV show.

You're on Hacker Time. Surprise!

-What are we doing here?

-You have your own TV show?

Yes, I do. Lock the doors, Derek. Ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh!

-Come over here. You must be delighted to be here.

-Err...

Yeah, thought so.

You're going to have a lovely time.

It's at least as good as that X Factor nonsense.

-Shall we find out more about you?

-I guess so.

All right, Edward, pull that lever.

John and Edward do singing and dancing.

Here's a nice picture of them with Jonathan Ross.

What are they like?

Camera's over here, boys! No, Edward, over here!

Oh, forget it.

They started on X Factor with Louis Walsh and t'other ones.

Now they're dead famous. But fame ain't changed those nice boys

with the lovely blond hairs.

To what have you done your head?

Oh, it's Jedward.

Oh, you've done some right nifty things on telly, John and/or Edward.

Yes, we have.

I've compiled a graph to demonstrate this.

Now, look, at the bottom, you've got

the X Factor, that was all right,

-but not many viewers.

-It was OK.

You were quite good on Eurovision...

-It was so much fun.

-..considering.

Look at the top. It's Hacker Time.

This will be the highlight of your career.

-It won't get as good as this again.

-So cool!

-You've so much cool stuff here.

-We've got fluff!

We can all have fun with this.

Calm yourselves down, will you?

Can we have an autograph?

-Yes, you can.

-Really?

-I'll do that later.

Stop it! We've got a show to do.

HACKER GROWLS

All right now. You two do singing and stuff, don't you?

-Yes, we do.

-La la la.

I won't lie.

I think I can do a bit better at performing tunes than you two.

Have a look at this nonsense.

Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

Today, I will show you how to be a betterer singerer

in a few simple notes.

Woo!

Being heard is the name of the game.

Voice coaching?

Voice smoaching, more like!

All you need is bigger equipment.

Bring in the speaker!

That's it. Bring it in.

Place it down. Lovely, that is.

OK, guys, it's rock and roll time, baby!

Blam! Blaaaaam! Uh-oh!

D'oh!

Now, once you've established yourself as a top singing artiste,

give yourself a break.

Nobody wants to be singing all day.

All you do is take a deep breath

and just mime along to an already recorded song.

-Hit it!

-Oh...

# It if hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

# I'd been married a long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go...? #

SONG SPEEDS UP

What are you doing? It's going too fast!

Will you just slow it down a bit, you mooey? What are you doing?

# ..It if hadn't been for... #

It's still going fast. You keep watching.

Keep watching.

Turn it down. Slow it down!

# ..If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe... #

Hey, good, ain't I, Edward?

That was amazing!

And the award goes to...Hacker!

Thank you. Hey, I tell you what,

you two have done the Eurovision, had your own TV shows

and worked with loads of cool people.

But do you remember when we released that single?

No, that didn't happen.

What? I'm offended!

It was a smash hit! How could you forget?

It's a good job I've got the video over here.

# Under pressure That burns a building down

# Splits a family in two Puts people on streets

# Now that the party is jumpin'

# With the bass kicked in And the vegas are pumpin'

# Quick to the point To the point no faking

# Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

# Burning them If you're not quick and nimble

# I go crazy when I hear a cymbal

# And hi-hat with a souped-up tempo

# I'm on a roll Time to go solo

# Pressure, pressure, pressure Pressure, pressure, pressure

# Pressure, pressure... #

Do you remember now?

We don't, but that made the video cooler.

It took it to the next level by having you there.

You added this roar, like...

Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!

It was great, weren't it?

-It was.

-It was amazing.

You're famous people, right?

Not as famous as you.

Few are. That's quite nice, that.

The viewers might want to hear you talk and stuff.

So I'll ask you good questions like a proper presenter.

Like Dermot O'Leroy.

You are a proper presenter, the best!

Yes, I am.

Now, get me cue card out.

John, where did you two meet?

Me and Edward met at the baby shop.

-I remember it.

-The baby shop?

The baby shop. You go in...

Our mum and dad hook us out of there and said,

"They're twins, John and Edward."

Edward, which one of you is better looking?

-No, I'm better looking.

-No, I'm better looking.

-No, I am.

THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

All right, calm down. You're both eye candy to me.

Now, John, what is the square root of 184?

Square root of 184?

I know this one.

Erm, erm...

John, you know this. We did it in maths.

Well, I'm kind of itchy right now.

VOICES ECHO

I love giggling, Ed-Flea. Don't you?

That's right, Jed-Flea.

But what are we giggling about?

I don't know. Shall we stop it?

No, let's keep on giggling.

Good thinking!

Oh, yeah. That's better.

That's the stuff. That's the spot.

-Stop it. You're not a dog!

-You filthy animal!

Scratching away during my interview.

-Sorry.

-Who do you think you are?

Now, where was I?

-I forget... I blame you for this!

-Sorry.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-You will be sorry!

Let's watch some more of my howlers instead.

Here's some singing and dancing embarrassments.

You're going to love this!

Everything seems to be going well here.

This lady's just started her song there.

The backing singers are ready. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

I'm sorry. I've forgotten the words.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, bodges!

Oh, can we stop a minute? My trousers are undone.

Sorry. They popped when I was sitting down.

Lots of people here, look. All doing a bit of singing.

Very good.

Hang on, what's that bloke doing?

Oh, yuck!

What are you doing, man?

-Stuff went wrong just then, didn't it?

-Yeah.

-Now, John and the other one.

-Edward.

-Edward, sorry.

I want to know more about you two, so I'll ask three

quickfire questions and I want three quickfire answers.

Spotlight, please, Herman.

That's it. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Go!

John, show us your hidden talent.

-Go, John, go!

-Front flip.

Oh, that's amazing.

Don't try that at home, eh? Hoo-hoo!

Edward, what talent would you most like?

I'd love to be a vet, as I'd get to meet so many animals.

Ooh, you won't take my temperature.

If you could pick anyone else in the world

to be your twin, who would it be?

-Well...

-Wait, think about it.

He has to be cool.

He has to have really cool hair.

Someone who has their own TV show.

Er, I pick you, cos you look exactly like Edward.

Yes, I do.

Ha ha ha!

Interesting answers and stuff.

I've been to speak to real people to see if they think the same.

Have a look at this.

Edward, pull that blue lever.

-Hello!

-Hello!

Hello, are you all OK?

Yes!

Well, I'm here now to ask you a few questions.

Do you have any party tricks or talents?

Oh, blimey! That is a funny face.

Do it again.

I can do a funny face. Watch this.

See?

-HELLO!

-HELLO!

-HELLO!

His party trick's shouting.

If you could do any talent, what would it be?

-Street dancing.

-How about this?

You can help me sing a song. Will you do that?

-Yeah.

-OK, then. Ahem...

# Sandwiches are mainly bread But you can put stuff in 'em

# You can put...

# Salad...

# In 'em. You can put...

# Tomatoes

# In 'em. You can put...

-# Poo...

-In 'em?! #

-EVERYBODY LAUGHS

Poo in 'em? I won't go to your house for a picnic!

If you could have a twin, famous or otherwise, who would it be and why?

-Lady Gaga.

-Lady Gaga?

-Lionel Messi.

-Who?

-Rihanna.

-Rhiannon?

-It'd be you, Hacker.

-Me?

You, because you're funny.

Look down there and give me

a nice big twin smile.

If you could have a twin, anyone in the world, a famous twin,

who would it be?

Nev the Bear.

Nev the Bear? Neville?!

Yes, Neville.

Why Neville? He's not... He's not as good as me!

-Erm, I think he is.

-Well, you're wrong, aren't you?

Give yourselves a nice round of applause.

Yeah, thank you very much. Goodbye!

Thank you.

Oh, don't I look attractive on the telly?

You look so good.

The way you do it, the way you walk.

That's very nice of you.

Thanks for dressing like my sofa.

You know we like to match.

Heh-heh! Right, John and Eddie, you started out on The X Factor.

You met lots of famous people and sang in front of millions.

So will you tell me a secret about Simon Cowell?

What's he really like?

Hacker, we'll tell you if you promise to keep it quiet.

Of course. I'm dead good at secrets.

My mum taught me never to talk of that boil on her bot-bot.

And I never have.

Good. In that case, we've some juicy gossip about Simon Cowell.

-I remember this one time...

-No, no. That was the time...

We were there and he was going... No, that wasn't it.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be back in a sec. Oh, look at that button!

It's the shiniest button I've seen for a while.

That button would benefit from a nice big old push,

but there's a sign that says don't push it.

But it's such a nice button.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Don't press it, Hacker. Do the right thing.

Bah! Press it, Hacker. What's the worst that could happen?

Don't do it. Have yourself a nice biryani instead.

Oh, I could eat a biryani, actually.

Have you got time for one now?

Yeah, OK. Shall we go to Posh Spice?

-They've got two for one on tonight.

-Oh, lovely!

I'll pop my nice horns on and meet you there.

Do whatever you want, Hacker. We're not that bothered.

What the bodges was that all about?

Ha! Never experienced that before.

Well, if they're not bothered, I WILL PUSH THAT BUTTON!

Hargh!

Uh, we appear to have lift-off, but we're not ready!

Oh, no!

Oh, bodges!

Someone let me down!

Help!

And that is the biggest secret ever,

and that's how his career's taken off.

Taken off? I didn't make anything take off.

It wasn't me, Edward. John, help me.

He's accusing me. John!

What are you talking about?

The button...

Er, nothing.

Nooo. Ha-ha!

Definitely nothing about buttons.

Ha, ha-ha!

Let's do the rest and pretend this never occurred.

Derek, the menu, please.

A menu?

-I want pizza.

-I want ice cream.

I want, like, sweet food stuff.

One menu, served hot. Hoo-hoo!

Still to come today, this...

This...

And this.

Hey, what's that doing there? That's not on the show.

Get rid of it, Derek. What's going on?

Run some more howlers, quick!

Listen to this chap. He's nearly as good at singing as me.

Look at her.

She can play the piano dead well.

So animals are good at music.

Shame that humans are all rubbish.

Look at these.

Right in the face!

Hey, look at him! Ooh!

Aren't people amusing?

More howlers later, when I'll count down my favourites.

Right, I've had me hair done so, Jedward, I've had a thought.

You two are good popstars and I'm dead good at singing, too,

so I should join Jedward.

YOU, join US?!

I've got the hair and everything. It'll be a right old LOL.

-Hacker...

-Wait, wait...

If you want to join us, you'll need to audition.

-So, what have I got to do, then?

-Well, there's three stages.

-Singing.

-La!

-Dancing.

-Oh, yeah.

And the hair.

If you pass all three tests, then you can join us, Jedward!

Yay! What's first, then?

First up is singing. Hacker, go perform for us.

Yeah, perform for us.

What, now? But I can't. I'm a tiny little shy dog.

Come on, you can do it.

I can't sing in front of everyone.

It's time to be a big dog, OK? We believe in you.

-We believe in you!

-We believe in you, Hacker.

-OK, I'll give it a try.

-Get out of here!

# Vincero

# Vincero! #

APPLAUSE

Hey, what you doing? Be careful. Thank you.

Oh, what did you think, boys? Was it all right?

Wow! That was amazing!

Do that good in the next test

and you'll definitely be in Jedward.

-Oh, what's next, then?

-Dancing!

Me and John are great at dancing, but are you?

Sure am, baby! Hit it!

MUSIC: "Macarena" by Los Del Rio

And now, the big finish.

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

BOTH: Oh!

Woo-hoo! Thank you, thank you.

So, am I in Jedward now?

Nearly. We'll just make sure

your hair is regulation length first to be a Jedward.

Yeah, no problem. I've been back-combing like a good 'un.

It'll be great when I'm in Jedward, won't it?

We'll tour the world, release loads of songs.

Be dead famous. Even more famous than I currently am.

Everyone will scream my name.

-Er, there's a problem.

-What problem?

-It's your hair.

It's 2cm too short to be in Jedward.

But... No!

Hacker, rules are rules.

We can't let anyone with tall hair join Jedward.

I don't believe it. This is an outrage.

I don't want ridiculous hair like you!

Get out of here! Go!

-But, Hacker...

-Go on, think about what you've done!

Get out of here! You've saddened me. I don't want to hear about it.

I need to cool down and watch some telly with me in it.

That's right.

Me and my brother Dodge decided there aren't enough dogs on TV.

So we made our own period drama thingy. Run Downstairs Abbey, Derek.

I, Hackerella, am right in love with my master, Lord Percy.

And to win his heart, I'm making him a milky brew.

Ah, Lord Percy!

Ah, Lord Percy.

Hey, you can't be in love with Lord Percy too.

Yes, I can.

I'm making him a milky brew.

You're doing it wrong.

He likes it more milk than brew.

BELL JINGLES

Oh, Lord Percy, Lord Percy!

I will go!

No, I'll go.

Hey, come here!

BOTH PANT

Girls, feast your sight on this.

It's a portrait I've painted of the beautiful Lady Sarah.

Urgh!

Isn't she perfection?

Yeah, the perfect mooey!

And when she comes around later and sees it,

she'll surely fall in love with me.

Yeah, whatever.

She will.

Now, go and make sure this house is spotless.

Oh, Hacks, we've got to stop this.

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Are you going to tell me, or what?

Oh, yeah. First of all...

HACKER WHISPERS

Lord Percy, may I present Lady Sarah.

Yeuch!

Lady Sarah, may I say what a privilege it is

for us to have you as a guest here.

Not as much of a privilege as it is to be a guest, I assure you.

-Forgive me, but you are wrong.

-Oh.

It is I who is privileged.

-Get on with it!

-Oh, yes.

Lady Sarah, may I present a portrait of you, painted by my own hand.

What?!

Oh!

And to think that I might have loved you.

-Detestable pig!

-What?

No, Lady Sarah!

Oh, she's gone!

What could have caused her to react to my portrait in such a way?

What the...?!

Nooo!

Oh!

BOTH: Oh, Bodges!

Ain't that good, eh? I'm hilarious in that.

We're sorry about earlier.

We've been thinking. Your hair nearly is long enough.

So maybe, after all, you can join us, Jedward!

Nah, you're all right. I've moved on.

I've formed a new double act with an up-and-coming popstar, Harry Tongue.

Er, Hacker, he's not real.

He's a paper cup.

How dare you?!

He's more real than you'll ever be.

I don't need you two.

Me and Harry will soon be at number one in the charts.

Everyone will love us, love us, love us...

# Sandwiches are mainly bread But you can put stuff in 'em

# You can put meat paste in 'em... # Take it away, Harry

# ..You can put... #

Huh? Not that! No!

But why?!

Harry, don't leave me!

Harry! Noooo!

Oh, Harry, he was so young!

Right, that's it. I'm through with double acts for one day.

It's time for you two to leave now, Yedward.

Leave? Are you sure you don't want us to do a performance?

A performance? Ha ha ha!

Oh, you're serious.

Oh, no, no, no, thanks.

I've got to get on.

-The door's there. Bye-bye!

-Oh!

Mind your hair on the way out.

Aren't they nice boys?

But now they've gone, I'll show you some stuff of them going wrong.

This is Hacker's

top three Jedward howlers.

In at number three is John - or is it Edward? - taking a tumble

off stage at a Christmas concert.

Keep an eye on the front of the picture. It's a right LOL!

Whoops! Heh heh heh!

That Jedward lot are always taking tumbles.

Here's another one in Ireland.

Ooh, be careful, John!

Ooh, aah, ooh!

And for my number one favourite Jedward howler,

Edward is getting a bit too carried away, waving at the audience.

Watch where you're walking, Edward!

No Jedwards were harmed in the making of these howlers.

What a LOL! I'd never fall over like that, would I?

Ow! Argh!

Brrr! Anyway, thanks for watching Hacker Time.

It's the end of it now. I'm off to do other things.

Thanks to Jedward for being twins and that.

I'm going to go and sing a song now to remind us of what fun we've had.

Goodbye.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two Watching some clips

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff When I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one!

# John and Edward, the Irish twins Dropped in to say hello

# I sang for them, I did a dance

# But they wouldn't let me join them So they had to go

# Well, that is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time! #

That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

Thank you.