Jedward Hacker Time


Jedward

Hacker T Dog has managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker attracts Jedward into the studio. Featuring comedy guests, outtakes and a trip to Downstairs Abbey.


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Transcript


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# You gotta watch this... #

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HE FARTS

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# ..You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

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# Makes me say Oh, my word

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# Thank you for watching me It's telly

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# But not what you normally see

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# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

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# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

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# So sit back Don't eat too much

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# This is the show Ha! You can't touch

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# Stop! Hacker Time! #

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Thank you.

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For generations, magicians have amazed the world

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with stunning illusions.

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Sawing the lady in half.

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Levitation.

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And pulling a rabbit from a hat.

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But now prepare yourselves for the biggest,

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most mind-boggling illusion of all.

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You will be amazed as Hacker T Dog escapes from a sack.

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Erm, hello?

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Hello? I've lost the key.

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Er, can anyone hear me? It's dark in here.

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I need the lav-lav.

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LIQUID TRICKLES

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Too late. Oh!

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Coming up today, we've got some of this...

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..a bit of this...

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and plenty of me, of course.

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Ow, me teeth!

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I've banged me teeth on that...

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Herman, Derek, help me!

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Get us out of here! Run some howlers!

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CLUNK!

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I'm on it. Oof!

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Dogs love water and swimming is a very gentle form of exercise.

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This hydrotherapy pool...

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Now, I mastered this.

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Did you?

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Hacker's howlers there! Hacker's howlers.

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I've done meself a right mischief in that bag.

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BONES CRACK

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Ah, that's better. Phwoof!

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Anyway, what a load of nonsense them clips were!

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Stay watching. There'll be more silliness like that later.

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There's more silliness now. Hacker, they're coming.

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Oh, that'll be today's guests. Not that they know that yet.

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It's Jedward.

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-Woah, free hair gel.

-We can never have enough hair gel!

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Let's take a look!

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jedward.

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Woo-hoo!

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Are you all right, boys?

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Woah! Hacker, what are you doing here?

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We're here to get free hair gel.

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Oh, yes, about that. It's a long story.

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-What's wrong, have you run out?

-Not quite.

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-You see, well, the thing is...

-What is it, Hacker?!

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-Spit it out!

-There is no hair gel!

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Whaaaat?!

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My friend Ian used it all up. He used all the hair gel from CBBC.

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Ooh, yeah!

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Mmm!

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I'll be honest, I've tricked you.

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There was never any hair gel.

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You're actually guests on my tiny little tiny TV show.

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You're on Hacker Time. Surprise!

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-What are we doing here?

-You have your own TV show?

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Yes, I do. Lock the doors, Derek. Ha ha ha!

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Heh heh heh!

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-Come over here. You must be delighted to be here.

-Err...

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Yeah, thought so.

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You're going to have a lovely time.

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It's at least as good as that X Factor nonsense.

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-Shall we find out more about you?

-I guess so.

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All right, Edward, pull that lever.

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John and Edward do singing and dancing.

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Here's a nice picture of them with Jonathan Ross.

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What are they like?

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Camera's over here, boys! No, Edward, over here!

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Oh, forget it.

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They started on X Factor with Louis Walsh and t'other ones.

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Now they're dead famous. But fame ain't changed those nice boys

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with the lovely blond hairs.

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To what have you done your head?

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Oh, it's Jedward.

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Oh, you've done some right nifty things on telly, John and/or Edward.

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Yes, we have.

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I've compiled a graph to demonstrate this.

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Now, look, at the bottom, you've got

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the X Factor, that was all right,

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-but not many viewers.

-It was OK.

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You were quite good on Eurovision...

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-It was so much fun.

-..considering.

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Look at the top. It's Hacker Time.

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This will be the highlight of your career.

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-It won't get as good as this again.

-So cool!

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-You've so much cool stuff here.

-We've got fluff!

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We can all have fun with this.

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Calm yourselves down, will you?

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Can we have an autograph?

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-Yes, you can.

-Really?

-I'll do that later.

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Stop it! We've got a show to do.

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HACKER GROWLS

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All right now. You two do singing and stuff, don't you?

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-Yes, we do.

-La la la.

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I won't lie.

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I think I can do a bit better at performing tunes than you two.

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Have a look at this nonsense.

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Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

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Today, I will show you how to be a betterer singerer

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in a few simple notes.

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Woo!

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Being heard is the name of the game.

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Voice coaching?

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Voice smoaching, more like!

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All you need is bigger equipment.

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Bring in the speaker!

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That's it. Bring it in.

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Place it down. Lovely, that is.

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OK, guys, it's rock and roll time, baby!

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Blam! Blaaaaam! Uh-oh!

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D'oh!

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Now, once you've established yourself as a top singing artiste,

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give yourself a break.

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Nobody wants to be singing all day.

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All you do is take a deep breath

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and just mime along to an already recorded song.

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-Hit it!

-Oh...

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# It if hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

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# I'd been married a long time ago

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# Where did you come from? Where did you go...? #

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SONG SPEEDS UP

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What are you doing? It's going too fast!

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Will you just slow it down a bit, you mooey? What are you doing?

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# ..It if hadn't been for... #

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It's still going fast. You keep watching.

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Keep watching.

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Turn it down. Slow it down!

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# ..If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe... #

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Hey, good, ain't I, Edward?

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That was amazing!

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And the award goes to...Hacker!

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Thank you. Hey, I tell you what,

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you two have done the Eurovision, had your own TV shows

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and worked with loads of cool people.

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But do you remember when we released that single?

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No, that didn't happen.

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What? I'm offended!

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It was a smash hit! How could you forget?

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It's a good job I've got the video over here.

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# Under pressure That burns a building down

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# Splits a family in two Puts people on streets

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# Now that the party is jumpin'

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# With the bass kicked in And the vegas are pumpin'

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# Quick to the point To the point no faking

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# Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

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# Burning them If you're not quick and nimble

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# I go crazy when I hear a cymbal

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# And hi-hat with a souped-up tempo

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# I'm on a roll Time to go solo

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# Pressure, pressure, pressure Pressure, pressure, pressure

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# Pressure, pressure... #

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Do you remember now?

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We don't, but that made the video cooler.

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It took it to the next level by having you there.

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You added this roar, like...

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Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!

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It was great, weren't it?

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-It was.

-It was amazing.

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You're famous people, right?

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Not as famous as you.

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Few are. That's quite nice, that.

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The viewers might want to hear you talk and stuff.

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So I'll ask you good questions like a proper presenter.

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Like Dermot O'Leroy.

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You are a proper presenter, the best!

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Yes, I am.

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Now, get me cue card out.

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John, where did you two meet?

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Me and Edward met at the baby shop.

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-I remember it.

-The baby shop?

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The baby shop. You go in...

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Our mum and dad hook us out of there and said,

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"They're twins, John and Edward."

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Edward, which one of you is better looking?

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-No, I'm better looking.

-No, I'm better looking.

-No, I am.

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THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

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All right, calm down. You're both eye candy to me.

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Now, John, what is the square root of 184?

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Square root of 184?

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I know this one.

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Erm, erm...

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John, you know this. We did it in maths.

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Well, I'm kind of itchy right now.

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VOICES ECHO

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I love giggling, Ed-Flea. Don't you?

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That's right, Jed-Flea.

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But what are we giggling about?

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I don't know. Shall we stop it?

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No, let's keep on giggling.

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Good thinking!

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Oh, yeah. That's better.

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That's the stuff. That's the spot.

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-Stop it. You're not a dog!

-You filthy animal!

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Scratching away during my interview.

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-Sorry.

-Who do you think you are?

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Now, where was I?

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-I forget... I blame you for this!

-Sorry.

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-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-You will be sorry!

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Let's watch some more of my howlers instead.

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Here's some singing and dancing embarrassments.

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You're going to love this!

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Everything seems to be going well here.

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This lady's just started her song there.

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The backing singers are ready. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

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I'm sorry. I've forgotten the words.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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Oh, bodges!

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Oh, can we stop a minute? My trousers are undone.

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Sorry. They popped when I was sitting down.

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Lots of people here, look. All doing a bit of singing.

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Very good.

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Hang on, what's that bloke doing?

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Oh, yuck!

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What are you doing, man?

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-Stuff went wrong just then, didn't it?

-Yeah.

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-Now, John and the other one.

-Edward.

-Edward, sorry.

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I want to know more about you two, so I'll ask three

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quickfire questions and I want three quickfire answers.

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Spotlight, please, Herman.

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That's it. Are you ready?

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-Yeah.

-Go!

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John, show us your hidden talent.

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-Go, John, go!

-Front flip.

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Oh, that's amazing.

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Don't try that at home, eh? Hoo-hoo!

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Edward, what talent would you most like?

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I'd love to be a vet, as I'd get to meet so many animals.

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Ooh, you won't take my temperature.

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If you could pick anyone else in the world

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to be your twin, who would it be?

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-Well...

-Wait, think about it.

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He has to be cool.

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He has to have really cool hair.

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Someone who has their own TV show.

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Er, I pick you, cos you look exactly like Edward.

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Yes, I do.

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Ha ha ha!

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Interesting answers and stuff.

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I've been to speak to real people to see if they think the same.

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Have a look at this.

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Edward, pull that blue lever.

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-Hello!

-Hello!

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Hello, are you all OK?

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Yes!

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Well, I'm here now to ask you a few questions.

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Do you have any party tricks or talents?

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Oh, blimey! That is a funny face.

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Do it again.

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I can do a funny face. Watch this.

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See?

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-HELLO!

-HELLO!

-HELLO!

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His party trick's shouting.

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If you could do any talent, what would it be?

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-Street dancing.

-How about this?

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You can help me sing a song. Will you do that?

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-Yeah.

-OK, then. Ahem...

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# Sandwiches are mainly bread But you can put stuff in 'em

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# You can put...

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# Salad...

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# In 'em. You can put...

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# Tomatoes

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# In 'em. You can put...

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-# Poo...

-In 'em?! #

-EVERYBODY LAUGHS

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Poo in 'em? I won't go to your house for a picnic!

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If you could have a twin, famous or otherwise, who would it be and why?

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-Lady Gaga.

-Lady Gaga?

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-Lionel Messi.

-Who?

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-Rihanna.

-Rhiannon?

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-It'd be you, Hacker.

-Me?

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You, because you're funny.

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Look down there and give me

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a nice big twin smile.

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If you could have a twin, anyone in the world, a famous twin,

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who would it be?

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Nev the Bear.

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Nev the Bear? Neville?!

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Yes, Neville.

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Why Neville? He's not... He's not as good as me!

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-Erm, I think he is.

-Well, you're wrong, aren't you?

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Give yourselves a nice round of applause.

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Yeah, thank you very much. Goodbye!

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Thank you.

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Oh, don't I look attractive on the telly?

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You look so good.

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The way you do it, the way you walk.

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That's very nice of you.

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Thanks for dressing like my sofa.

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You know we like to match.

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Heh-heh! Right, John and Eddie, you started out on The X Factor.

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You met lots of famous people and sang in front of millions.

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So will you tell me a secret about Simon Cowell?

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What's he really like?

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Hacker, we'll tell you if you promise to keep it quiet.

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Of course. I'm dead good at secrets.

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My mum taught me never to talk of that boil on her bot-bot.

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And I never have.

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Good. In that case, we've some juicy gossip about Simon Cowell.

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-I remember this one time...

-No, no. That was the time...

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We were there and he was going... No, that wasn't it.

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Yeah, yeah, I'll be back in a sec. Oh, look at that button!

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It's the shiniest button I've seen for a while.

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That button would benefit from a nice big old push,

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but there's a sign that says don't push it.

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But it's such a nice button.

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I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

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Don't press it, Hacker. Do the right thing.

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Bah! Press it, Hacker. What's the worst that could happen?

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Don't do it. Have yourself a nice biryani instead.

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Oh, I could eat a biryani, actually.

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Have you got time for one now?

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Yeah, OK. Shall we go to Posh Spice?

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-They've got two for one on tonight.

-Oh, lovely!

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I'll pop my nice horns on and meet you there.

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Do whatever you want, Hacker. We're not that bothered.

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What the bodges was that all about?

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Ha! Never experienced that before.

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Well, if they're not bothered, I WILL PUSH THAT BUTTON!

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Hargh!

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Uh, we appear to have lift-off, but we're not ready!

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Oh, no!

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Oh, bodges!

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Someone let me down!

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Help!

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And that is the biggest secret ever,

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and that's how his career's taken off.

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Taken off? I didn't make anything take off.

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It wasn't me, Edward. John, help me.

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He's accusing me. John!

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What are you talking about?

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The button...

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Er, nothing.

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Nooo. Ha-ha!

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Definitely nothing about buttons.

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Ha, ha-ha!

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Let's do the rest and pretend this never occurred.

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Derek, the menu, please.

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A menu?

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-I want pizza.

-I want ice cream.

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I want, like, sweet food stuff.

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One menu, served hot. Hoo-hoo!

0:16:540:16:57

Still to come today, this...

0:16:590:17:01

This...

0:17:020:17:04

And this.

0:17:040:17:06

Hey, what's that doing there? That's not on the show.

0:17:060:17:09

Get rid of it, Derek. What's going on?

0:17:090:17:12

Run some more howlers, quick!

0:17:120:17:15

Listen to this chap. He's nearly as good at singing as me.

0:17:170:17:21

Look at her.

0:17:230:17:24

She can play the piano dead well.

0:17:240:17:26

So animals are good at music.

0:17:280:17:30

Shame that humans are all rubbish.

0:17:300:17:32

Look at these.

0:17:320:17:34

Right in the face!

0:17:370:17:39

Hey, look at him! Ooh!

0:17:470:17:49

Aren't people amusing?

0:18:070:18:09

More howlers later, when I'll count down my favourites.

0:18:090:18:13

Right, I've had me hair done so, Jedward, I've had a thought.

0:18:130:18:16

You two are good popstars and I'm dead good at singing, too,

0:18:160:18:20

so I should join Jedward.

0:18:200:18:22

YOU, join US?!

0:18:220:18:23

I've got the hair and everything. It'll be a right old LOL.

0:18:230:18:27

-Hacker...

-Wait, wait...

0:18:270:18:29

If you want to join us, you'll need to audition.

0:18:290:18:32

-So, what have I got to do, then?

-Well, there's three stages.

0:18:320:18:36

-Singing.

-La!

0:18:360:18:37

-Dancing.

-Oh, yeah.

0:18:370:18:39

And the hair.

0:18:390:18:42

If you pass all three tests, then you can join us, Jedward!

0:18:420:18:47

Yay! What's first, then?

0:18:470:18:49

First up is singing. Hacker, go perform for us.

0:18:490:18:52

Yeah, perform for us.

0:18:520:18:54

What, now? But I can't. I'm a tiny little shy dog.

0:18:540:18:57

Come on, you can do it.

0:18:570:18:58

I can't sing in front of everyone.

0:18:580:19:01

It's time to be a big dog, OK? We believe in you.

0:19:010:19:04

-We believe in you!

-We believe in you, Hacker.

0:19:040:19:07

-OK, I'll give it a try.

-Get out of here!

0:19:070:19:09

# Vincero

0:19:120:19:17

# Vincero! #

0:19:170:19:25

APPLAUSE

0:19:290:19:31

Hey, what you doing? Be careful. Thank you.

0:19:310:19:34

Oh, what did you think, boys? Was it all right?

0:19:340:19:38

Wow! That was amazing!

0:19:380:19:40

Do that good in the next test

0:19:400:19:42

and you'll definitely be in Jedward.

0:19:420:19:44

-Oh, what's next, then?

-Dancing!

0:19:440:19:48

Me and John are great at dancing, but are you?

0:19:480:19:51

Sure am, baby! Hit it!

0:19:510:19:54

MUSIC: "Macarena" by Los Del Rio

0:19:540:19:56

And now, the big finish.

0:20:130:20:14

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

0:20:140:20:17

BOTH: Oh!

0:20:240:20:25

Woo-hoo! Thank you, thank you.

0:20:250:20:28

So, am I in Jedward now?

0:20:280:20:29

Nearly. We'll just make sure

0:20:290:20:31

your hair is regulation length first to be a Jedward.

0:20:310:20:35

Yeah, no problem. I've been back-combing like a good 'un.

0:20:350:20:38

It'll be great when I'm in Jedward, won't it?

0:20:380:20:42

We'll tour the world, release loads of songs.

0:20:420:20:45

Be dead famous. Even more famous than I currently am.

0:20:450:20:49

Everyone will scream my name.

0:20:490:20:51

-Er, there's a problem.

-What problem?

-It's your hair.

0:20:510:20:55

It's 2cm too short to be in Jedward.

0:20:550:20:58

But... No!

0:20:580:21:01

Hacker, rules are rules.

0:21:010:21:03

We can't let anyone with tall hair join Jedward.

0:21:030:21:06

I don't believe it. This is an outrage.

0:21:060:21:09

I don't want ridiculous hair like you!

0:21:090:21:11

Get out of here! Go!

0:21:110:21:12

-But, Hacker...

-Go on, think about what you've done!

0:21:120:21:16

Get out of here! You've saddened me. I don't want to hear about it.

0:21:160:21:20

I need to cool down and watch some telly with me in it.

0:21:200:21:23

That's right.

0:21:230:21:24

Me and my brother Dodge decided there aren't enough dogs on TV.

0:21:240:21:28

So we made our own period drama thingy. Run Downstairs Abbey, Derek.

0:21:280:21:32

I, Hackerella, am right in love with my master, Lord Percy.

0:21:420:21:47

And to win his heart, I'm making him a milky brew.

0:21:470:21:51

Ah, Lord Percy!

0:21:510:21:55

Ah, Lord Percy.

0:21:550:21:57

Hey, you can't be in love with Lord Percy too.

0:21:570:22:01

Yes, I can.

0:22:010:22:02

I'm making him a milky brew.

0:22:020:22:04

You're doing it wrong.

0:22:040:22:05

He likes it more milk than brew.

0:22:050:22:08

BELL JINGLES

0:22:080:22:09

Oh, Lord Percy, Lord Percy!

0:22:090:22:11

I will go!

0:22:110:22:12

No, I'll go.

0:22:120:22:14

Hey, come here!

0:22:160:22:19

BOTH PANT

0:22:190:22:20

Girls, feast your sight on this.

0:22:200:22:23

It's a portrait I've painted of the beautiful Lady Sarah.

0:22:230:22:26

Urgh!

0:22:260:22:28

Isn't she perfection?

0:22:280:22:29

Yeah, the perfect mooey!

0:22:290:22:32

And when she comes around later and sees it,

0:22:320:22:34

she'll surely fall in love with me.

0:22:340:22:37

Yeah, whatever.

0:22:370:22:39

She will.

0:22:390:22:40

Now, go and make sure this house is spotless.

0:22:400:22:43

Oh, Hacks, we've got to stop this.

0:22:440:22:47

Don't worry, I have a plan.

0:22:470:22:50

Are you going to tell me, or what?

0:22:530:22:56

Oh, yeah. First of all...

0:22:560:22:58

HACKER WHISPERS

0:22:580:22:59

Lord Percy, may I present Lady Sarah.

0:23:020:23:07

Yeuch!

0:23:070:23:09

Lady Sarah, may I say what a privilege it is

0:23:090:23:12

for us to have you as a guest here.

0:23:120:23:14

Not as much of a privilege as it is to be a guest, I assure you.

0:23:140:23:18

-Forgive me, but you are wrong.

-Oh.

0:23:180:23:20

It is I who is privileged.

0:23:200:23:23

-Get on with it!

-Oh, yes.

0:23:230:23:25

Lady Sarah, may I present a portrait of you, painted by my own hand.

0:23:250:23:29

What?!

0:23:320:23:34

Oh!

0:23:340:23:35

And to think that I might have loved you.

0:23:350:23:38

-Detestable pig!

-What?

0:23:380:23:42

No, Lady Sarah!

0:23:420:23:43

Oh, she's gone!

0:23:480:23:49

What could have caused her to react to my portrait in such a way?

0:23:490:23:53

What the...?!

0:23:530:23:55

Nooo!

0:23:590:24:01

Oh!

0:24:010:24:02

BOTH: Oh, Bodges!

0:24:050:24:07

Ain't that good, eh? I'm hilarious in that.

0:24:090:24:12

We're sorry about earlier.

0:24:120:24:14

We've been thinking. Your hair nearly is long enough.

0:24:140:24:18

So maybe, after all, you can join us, Jedward!

0:24:180:24:22

Nah, you're all right. I've moved on.

0:24:220:24:25

I've formed a new double act with an up-and-coming popstar, Harry Tongue.

0:24:250:24:30

Er, Hacker, he's not real.

0:24:300:24:32

He's a paper cup.

0:24:320:24:33

How dare you?!

0:24:330:24:35

He's more real than you'll ever be.

0:24:350:24:37

I don't need you two.

0:24:370:24:38

Me and Harry will soon be at number one in the charts.

0:24:380:24:42

Everyone will love us, love us, love us...

0:24:420:24:45

# Sandwiches are mainly bread But you can put stuff in 'em

0:24:490:24:53

# You can put meat paste in 'em... # Take it away, Harry

0:24:530:24:56

# ..You can put... #

0:24:560:24:58

Huh? Not that! No!

0:24:580:24:59

But why?!

0:24:590:25:01

Harry, don't leave me!

0:25:010:25:04

Harry! Noooo!

0:25:040:25:06

Oh, Harry, he was so young!

0:25:080:25:10

Right, that's it. I'm through with double acts for one day.

0:25:100:25:14

It's time for you two to leave now, Yedward.

0:25:140:25:17

Leave? Are you sure you don't want us to do a performance?

0:25:170:25:20

A performance? Ha ha ha!

0:25:200:25:22

Oh, you're serious.

0:25:220:25:24

Oh, no, no, no, thanks.

0:25:240:25:26

I've got to get on.

0:25:260:25:28

-The door's there. Bye-bye!

-Oh!

0:25:280:25:30

Mind your hair on the way out.

0:25:320:25:35

Aren't they nice boys?

0:25:350:25:37

But now they've gone, I'll show you some stuff of them going wrong.

0:25:370:25:41

This is Hacker's

0:25:410:25:42

top three Jedward howlers.

0:25:420:25:45

In at number three is John - or is it Edward? - taking a tumble

0:25:460:25:51

off stage at a Christmas concert.

0:25:510:25:53

Keep an eye on the front of the picture. It's a right LOL!

0:25:530:25:57

Whoops! Heh heh heh!

0:26:060:26:07

That Jedward lot are always taking tumbles.

0:26:100:26:13

Here's another one in Ireland.

0:26:130:26:15

Ooh, be careful, John!

0:26:180:26:21

Ooh, aah, ooh!

0:26:210:26:23

And for my number one favourite Jedward howler,

0:26:280:26:32

Edward is getting a bit too carried away, waving at the audience.

0:26:320:26:37

Watch where you're walking, Edward!

0:26:370:26:40

No Jedwards were harmed in the making of these howlers.

0:26:530:26:57

What a LOL! I'd never fall over like that, would I?

0:27:010:27:05

Ow! Argh!

0:27:050:27:06

Brrr! Anyway, thanks for watching Hacker Time.

0:27:060:27:09

It's the end of it now. I'm off to do other things.

0:27:090:27:13

Thanks to Jedward for being twins and that.

0:27:130:27:16

I'm going to go and sing a song now to remind us of what fun we've had.

0:27:160:27:20

Goodbye.

0:27:200:27:21

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:230:27:26

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

0:27:260:27:29

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

0:27:290:27:31

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:310:27:34

# We've had a LOL or two Watching some clips

0:27:340:27:36

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

0:27:360:27:39

# I'll show you more funny stuff When I'm next on

0:27:390:27:42

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one!

0:27:420:27:45

# John and Edward, the Irish twins Dropped in to say hello

0:27:450:27:49

# I sang for them, I did a dance

0:27:490:27:51

# But they wouldn't let me join them So they had to go

0:27:510:27:53

# Well, that is it for now The end of the show

0:27:530:27:55

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

0:27:550:27:58

# I'll see next time On this show of mine

0:27:580:28:00

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:28:000:28:03

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time! #

0:28:030:28:05

That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

0:28:050:28:08

Thank you.

0:28:080:28:10

Hacker T Dog has somehow managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker attracts Jedward into the studio. Featuring comedy guests and outtakes from other programmes, plus some great Jedward mess-ups and a trip to Downstairs Abbey.


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