Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this

MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say oh, my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly but not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes too

# Comedy guests and clips It's true

# So sit back Don't look too much

# This is the show you can't touch

# So Hacker Time! # Thank you.

Yo! Hello.

HE COUGHS

Right, that's too much smoke.

It's me, Hacker T Dog.

This is Hacker Time. Look what we've got coming up today.

We've got this.

Plenty of this.

Oh, and a bit of that.

Hopefully this show will be better than normal but I make no promises.

Let's start the show with a bit of rock and roll, baby.

Derek, turn up the amp to maximum.

But Mr Hacker, it's not safe.

-Just do it. I know what I'm doing.

-Whatever you say, Mr Hacker.

AMP SQUEALS

It's Hacker Time. Let's rock!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

CRASH!

AMP WHINES

CLATTER!

My column of spine. Run the howlers while I sort my nonsense out.

I'm just going to move over here. The sprinklers have just been turned on!

My hair wasn't great.

Earlier today I spoke to Doctor...

Doctor? He's not a doctor. Although I need one.

Earlier I spoke to Barrett Gary... Gary. Barry...

Earlier today I spoke to Barry Hoffbar...

HE LAUGHS

It's going to land on me!

Talk about Noah's Ark.

I'm joined by a lifelong supporter of Newport, now the club president.

And Dave Arnott, who used to play for the club.

Come on! It's coming. Here we go.

HE LAUGHS

That was a world of nonsense.

We'll get amongst more clips like that later.

But our special guests should be here any moment now.

They're here, Hacker, but they won't fall for it.

You will see, Derek. You will see!

EVIL CHUCKLE

What's this? A new Breakfast studio this way?

-No-one told us there was a new studio.

-No.

-It must be along here.

-Oh, OK.

CRASH!

Please welcome today's special guests from BBC Breakfast.

-It's Bill and Sian!

-What?

-Special guests?

-Hi, Bill and Sian.

-Hi, Hacker.

-What's this?

-What's this about special guests?

Oh, ignore that. Your new studio's this way. Come on.

Come on. Get on the set. You've live.

You need to do the news.

Sian, did you hear that? We're live.

Which camera is it?

-Hacker, this isn't the new studio, is it?

-Sure it is.

-But it's not, is it?

-No, it's not.

-Come on, we're leaving.

-No, wait!

-This is better than your studio.

-It's not, is it?

Behold! Breakfast.

Bill and I are serious journalists.

We won't hang around here just for breakfast.

-Right, Bill?

-This muffin's lovely.

-Will you stay as my guests for my telly show?

-I guess so.

Yay! Let's find out about you with this fact file.

Press that button.

Bill and Sian do the breakfast news. It's news while you eat breakfast.

I have sandwiches for breakfast.

Bill and Sean love a milky brew. They always have a brew.

Bill's got one here. He loves it.

Here's Bill and Sian in action doing the news.

Hey, do you just sit around on the sofa talking to men?

Is that all you do, you lazy mooies? Ha ha!

It's Bill and Sian.

-What do you think of that?

-Lazy mooies?

-You worked quite hard on that, I can tell.

-Yes, I did.

Eh, you're pretty good at news.

-This croissant's lovely.

-Bill! Yes, Hacker. We are top news journalists.

My top story this hour is I think I can make news betterer.

Over to our canine correspondent for more on this story.

Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

Today I'm going to make the news betterer

with a few simple headlines. Bong!

Breaking news. All news stories must be made up and fun.

None of this politics and boring nonsense.

Across now to Hacker T Dog with more on this. Oh, that's me.

Yeah, what he said. Back to you in the studio.

Thank you, Hacker.

And now for more made up happy stories.

Flowers are great, and that.

Ickle hamsters are cute and never get ill.

Cleaning your teeth with meat paste does nothing for your breath.

Oh, I couldn't think of anything else... Yes, step two.

News is too long and long equals boring. But I have a solution.

Talk quicker. Yes. Hacker T Dog has more on this.

That's right. Now back to the studio.

Thanks. Today's other stories include a missing Bavarian cat,

footballers being banned, Hacker Time has won awards,

and the weather is fair with snow, rain, wind and sun and gales!

CRASH!

Ugh! Stupid lung capacity.

Right, I've decided news is dull as the people just sit behind a desk.

But not me. Get rid of that. Move that table away.

I'm going to improve it now by singing and dancing the news.

# When you're watching telly news just slip on your dancing shoes

# Cos the news sounds better whatever the weather

# If you're singing and a-dancing and a-dancing and a-singing

# When you sing the news! #

Eh, where you going? I've got more. This is a good bit.

# When the news is about a robber who is in a spot of bother

# Or a cat stuck up a tree It only sounds fun to me

# If you're singing and a-dancing and a-dancing and a-singing

# When you sing the news! #

Thank you!

Hello?

Hello? Oh.

# What do you think of that, Bill? #

We'll put that to our bosses, but I'm not sure they'd be up for it.

-Sure they will. Sian, you liked it, didn't you?

-I loved it.

Sandwiches and sunny days and hamsters and that. We should do that.

Eh, enough of that. It's time to talk about the past.

Bill and Sian, a long time ago we used to work together, didn't we?

-No.

-We did. I used to fix your computers and that.

-You didn't.

-I did! Watch this. Push that red lever.

-I've been left on my own.

-Hello.

-Has it got that bad?

I'm here now. Confusion with the computer.

-We're doing a lot of first aid.

-We are.

We're trying to fix things which you can't see.

Underneath this table we have computers,

so the reason we look down is because your e-mails come up to us

and the whole thing is kaput.

All right. I'm doing my best to fix it. Keep your knick-knacks on.

Sian, you apologise.

I'm really sorry if you've been trying to send us messages.

Bill, you tidy yourself up. You're a mess, man.

-Anyway.

-Are you with us?

-I'm here now.

-I was all on my own.

What are you talking about?

You're not on your own. I'm right here, look.

-Remember now?

-Yes, yes.

I loved that job. Bill and Sian, I've got a few questions for you.

-First, Sian.

-Yes?

Have you ever thought about replacing Bill

with someone smaller, hairier and called Hacker?

All the time. You would be perfect sitting beside me.

-Do you mind? Only for a few days.

-Bill, I've got one for you.

Why do you stop working by 9:15? Are you lazy or something?

-Why don't you get a proper job.

-I'm here now, aren't I?

-Good point.

Sian, why do you never do a really important news story,

like one about me, for example?

-Would you like me to?

-Yes.

-What have you to say?

-Not very much. You'll have to make it up a bit.

-OK.

-Is that OK?

-I'll do it.

-I've got another one for you. What was your favourite...

HE SCRATCHES AND TRIES TO TALK

Stop scratching me! Argh!

Hey, Hacker, stop wasting Bill and Sian's time with silly questions.

I've got some news. A flea is going to get hit by a giant paw.

Oh, dear. I'd hate to be that flea.

Whoa!

Oh, that's got it. Phew!

So what was your... Oh, I've forgotten the question.

-Let's do something else.

-Any more croissants?

You greedy mooie!

Let's watch some more of my howlers.

-You've got to watch this. Sian, flick that switch.

-OK, here we go.

The first one's you, Bill.

In his party conference speech... Which camera are we on here?

Hello.

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Ooh! Eating my breakfast. Marvellous. Caught in the act.

Sorry, my earring's come off.

# I see neon lights... #

The accident and emergency unit is almost certain to move from...

# Don't get me wrong... #

On BBC News 25... News 24, even!

Pay attention, Clarence. Clarence? He can't hear me.

Now Prime Minister's Questions.

Tony Black... Tony Blair back with bleary-eyed nose... Bleary eyes.

I'm getting this wrong.

Ha ha! He's just printed out two pieces of blank paper.

Let's go straight to New York. Nick?

Is it off the back of my package?

Apologies for that.

Now the business news with Declan.

Good morning, Declan. Declan?

He's having a nice time reading e-mails.

SHE LAUGHS

David Trimble is coming under pressure

to support the plan that many say does not go nearly far enough.

Eastbourne Council is planning...

FLY BUZZES

..£200,000 could be taken off the budget...

That's all from us for now. Have a good weekend.

BUZZING

Ha ha. What a lot of Charlies!

Now, Bill and Sian, I have some more questions for you.

Will you take them seriously? This is the proper bit.

Lights, please.

Bill, what's the best news you've ever had?

When I heard I was coming on your programme.

Ah, the right answer, well done.

Sian, can you shuffle this pile of messy pages into a neat stack

like what you do on the news?

-It's quite hard, isn't it? Not as easy as you think.

-You can do it.

Perfect. Nice, that.

Bill, can you make a news story for me and can it be about

little old me involving a sandwich, a pink dress

-and a sports day at school?

-OK.

Police are investigating a serious theft of a sandwich

from a school sports day.

The main suspect is a dog last seen running away wearing a pink dress.

Oh, William! That's a nice story. Lights, please.

Imagine who'd do something like that with a pink dress on.

That's what you think but you're not real. You're just off the telly.

Let's see what real people with real lives think.

I'm off.

Hello!

I'm here at this place to ask some small people some big questions,

but they don't know I'm coming. I'm giving them a surprise. Let's go.

ALL: Oooh!

They look like a rowdy bunch. My lot must be in another classroom.

The news can be quite sad sometimes,

but these lot will tell me some good news.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-What's the best news you've ever had?

-Hacker Time coming to our school.

-When I got my rabbit.

Knowing I'm going to be on TV.

When I found out I was going to a theme park.

-When I heard I was going to a dinosaur show.

-A dinosaur show?

-With real dinosaurs?

-No, they were animatronic.

-Wow!

Thanks very much for all your good news. You were fantastic.

I reckon this lot could be newsreaders.

I've given them a fabulous headline

and I'd like them to read it out with their most serious voices.

Police have been given new underwear.

They are said to be happy to be under a vest.

Ha ha! Under a vest!

Because vest is underwear and 'a vest' is like 'arrest'. Ha ha ha!

A cat burglar was caught today.

He said, "I almost got away with the purr-fect crime."

Purr-fect crime! That's because it's a cat and they go purr. Ha ha ha!

These lot are going to write a story about me.

It must include me, a sandwich, a pink dress and my school sports day.

Gather round now cos I want to hear it.

And in breaking news,

we're getting reports that a teeny tiny little dog called Hacker has...

Escaped from the CBBC office.

He made his way on to the school field in the middle of sports day.

People laughed at him for wearing his pink dress.

Ken, the caretaker, tempted Hacker away from the field

with a CBBC cold bean, banana and coleslaw sandwich?!

Ian was called to rescue Hacker from the children and order was restored.

He comes in here, takes over my story,

which was a very good story I might add,

but I'm not having Ian taking over my glory -

I WON'T HAVE IT!

Thank you.

Bill and Sian, I'm back!

Oh, look at that button!

"Do Not Push," but I want to give it a little push, I like buttons.

Shall I push ya?

Yeah?

Who can argue with a button? Here we go. Ha!

We simply don't know, we haven't seen th...

'Must be some sort of elaborate light switch.'

Sorry about that!

-Oh, have you got any more food?

-Don't give him any more food!

-Oh, come on, just a snack. Something light.

-Light?

I didn't do anything to that light, you can't prove anything.

-What are you going on about?

-Oh, er, nothing, nooo, nothing.

Anyway, on with the show. Derek, play that thing, please.

One menu, served hot. Hoo-hoo!

Still to come today, this...

this...

-Ahhh!

-Ahhh!

..and this!

Hold on a minute, they're not in it. Derek, run some more howlers, quick!

Hello, this is breakfast from... We, it's, here's Moira with the news.

Mark Pragnell is managing director of the Centre...

Lawyers have agreed to take the case,

which is likely to cost £3 million,

on the basis that if the claimants don't win they won't pay any fees.

Plymouth Gin has sent a present of her favourite tipple...

..are heading back to Wembley.

The FA Vase holders booked their spot in May's final,

with a 2-1 win over...

..the title that's been in his grasp for weeks may well disappear.

-Why's she on the front page of The Times?

-Why's your pen on the floor?

Sorry, I'm sure I can get that.

There's a... Ooh, sorry! Ha-ha-ha!

Sorry, I do beg... I was chatting to Matthew and to,

what's your name? Jane, sorry.

But they didn't ask permission to use the...

Oh, well.

-Sales of hens have booming. Ha-ha-ha!

-As city dwellers...

Thank you, take up a growing trend to keep poultry as pets.

Enthusiasts say they are low maintenance, need only a hutch

and small patch of garden...sorry,

-and ensure that eggs are delivered fresh...

-Well done.

-Ha-ha-ha! What are they like?! Now, Bill and Sian.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You're right good at the news and that, isn't that right Sian.

-Well...

-We try our best.

-Yeah, well, I have a challenge for you.

-Derek, do the newsy thing.

-Mm, hee-hee-hee!

-Look at that thing there, look.

-Oh, very good, yeah.

This is now a news studio and I have a challenge.

Ooh, what is it?

You must read these news stories and keep a straight face.

Oh, that should be easy.

You will see, ha, you will see. Begin.

Hello and welcome to the news.

Our top story today,

thieves have stolen all the toilets from the police station.

-Detectives are looking, but they say they've nothing to go on.

-PARP!

Phew, I'd give that a few minutes, hee-hee-hee!

In an unrelated incident

it is also understood that a thief has stolen 100 wigs.

Police are combing the area for clues.

Do you like my wig, Sian?

Ha-ha-ha!

Following an investigation

we can reveal why the chicken crossed the road.

Our sources allege it was to get to the other side.

-I am a chicken leg!

-Mmm.

Bill, no!

And this just in.

A famous tap dancer has been taken to hospital,

early reports suggest he fell into the sink.

Oh, look at me, I'm tap dancing. Ha-ha! Whoa!

Oh, bodges, I've fallen into the sink.

Sports news now, a man has been banned from selling tennis equipment

after it turned out to be a racket.

Sorry, Sian!

And finally...

a recent wedding was so emotional that even the cake was in tears.

Look, I'm some kind of cake! Ha-ha!

Oh, time up!

-Yes, you did well considering, didn't you?

-Thank you!

Now, Bill, do you think there are enough dogs on telly?

No, Hacker, I think there should be more dogs on telly.

Yes, well, I agree,

that is why me and Dodger have made this, Dogs In Space.

You gotta watch it!

Deep in the midst of space,

two dogs have found themselves in charge of a rocket ship.

They're hard at work discovering planets and carrying out tests.

Well, they're supposed to be.

Dodge, engage thrusters, initiate hyper-drive,

-trigger fission reactor.

-What?

Oh, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

-Are we there yet?

-No.

-How about now?

-No!

-Er, now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

-Now, now, now...oh!

-He-he-he-he ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Hacker...

-Just keep reading that map!

-You've got us lost twice around Venus already!

-But I feel sick.

Pipe down you mooey! Suck on a boiled sweet.

Is it left at Pluto, or second right at the Milky Way?

Oh, oh, ugh, urgh. Oh!

No, don't, don't, you'll start me off.

Oh, I can't hold it in! Where's that bag? Bleurgh, bleurgh!

Bleurgh, bleurgh! Urgh, err.

-Dodger, you dirty mooey!

-Urgh, bleurgh!

Oh, er, I still feel a bit rough.

-How about some music to pass the time?

-Oh, yeah, great idea.

MUSIC: "Spinning Around" by Kylie Minogue

MUSIC: "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by The Rednex

MUSIC: "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Jefferson Starship

MUSIC: "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by The Rednex

-Huh?

-Did you just make a trouser sound?

-No!

Oh, bodges, we're out of juice!

I thought you'd filled the tank before we left?

-I thought you'd filled it!

-I thought you were going to!

-I thought you were going to!

-I thought you were going to do it!

-Ahhhh!

-Ahhhh!

This wild drama continues when we return to Dogs In Space!

-That were good, weren't it?

-Excellent, I really liked it.

-Yeah.

It's almost the end of the show. I've no more need for you.

-OK, can we go?

-Yes, can you leave, please?

-I've got things to be getting on with.

-OK.

Oh, but before you go, have this little memento.

The Hacker Time dog bowl is the latest in doggy chic.

It can store food, store water, store...

Well, mainly just food and water really. Oh.

-It's a Hacker Time dog bowl.

-Oh, isn't it lovely?

-No, Sian, naughty, Sian, not for you!

-Why not?

I know what happens when you get your mitts on them.

-What?!

-I mean this.

People are getting anxious about me using water,

with computers, everything's going to go wrong!

She asked the Dragons for money,

they said, "You will never sell it in the States!"

-It's spill proof.

-It's spill proofed, it's for dogs...

I'm tilting it all this way and still not spilt.

-It's magic.

-I'm not doing it upside down.

-I'm doing it upside down.

-Go on then!

I take full responsibility for my actions.

-No!

-Whoa! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-So, William, you are only allowed to touch said dog bowl.

-OK.

-You'll take good care of it?

-I will, I'll give it to my dogs.

-Now, come on, you two, get out of it!

-Oh, OK, now?

-Well, I've got things to do now. Go on, hop it!

-Oh, all right.

-You're taking up my valuable time.

-OK.

-Sorry.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-Yeah, OK.

-Hurry up, then.

-Yeah, we're going!

-Give me a ring later.

-Yeah, OK, bye!

-Mind your head!

-Oh!

-Oh.

They were nice, weren't they? But I'm glad they've gone,

I don't want them getting in the way now.

It's time for some of my favourite stuff from around this great world.

It's Hacker's Top News Howlers!

At five, this lady is just trying to read the news.

Oh, hello, Moira! Nice to see you, how are you doing?

Hang on a minute, what the bodges? Who's that? Get out of her way!

Four!

And at four here's a man who is trying to read the news.

Good evening, if the autocue was working

I could now read you something, but as it isn't, I can't.

Why did he give up so easily?

He could have just made something up, it's easy. Erm...

Oh, can't think of anything. Ohh!

Three!

And at three, this man just thinks it's all nonsense, watch this!

A bill giving more autonomy to the French National Assembly has

adopted, must approve the measures before, erm, a constitutional revue.

I'm sorry, this story is absolute...erm, nonsense.

-I'll continue with some headlines.

-I agree young man.

And here's some more nonsense.

Two!

At two, this newsreader gets a bit distracted.

This is BBC News 24.

I beg your pardon, I'd lost you there! I was reading, but...

-I could've carried on, but I thought I'd drop you in it!

-Thank you!

How unprofessional.

Oh, look, something shiny!

And one!

And at number one, my favourite howler is this man on the news

that sounds like a Dalek!

ECHOING: Here's Chris. Oh!

-ECHOING:

-Ha-ha-ha! Thank you very much indeed.

Well, what an extraordinary sound.

Ha-ha-ha! Imagine Daleks reading the news, what a lol! Exterminate!

Except when they take over the world! Oh, bodges!

Thank you.

That was good, weren't it, Tarquin? Yeah, anyway, news just in.

That's the end of the show!

Thanks to Bill and Sian for getting amongst my telly show,

it was a slightly above average episode.

Oh, and here's some breaking news.

We've just got time for my brilliant song, hurrah!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# We've had a lol or two Watching some clips

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff When I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows Mine's the best one

# Bill and Sian from Breakfast News Were my guests today

# We read some news We had some fun

# Then I'd had enough So I sent them away

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd