Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams Hacker Time


Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams

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Transcript


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# You gotta watch this

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MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

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# Makes me say oh, my word

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# Thank you for watching me

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# It's telly but not what you normally see

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# It feels good There's out-takes too

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# Comedy guests and clips It's true

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# So sit back Don't look too much

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# This is the show you can't touch

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# So Hacker Time! # Thank you.

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Yo! Hello.

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HE COUGHS

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Right, that's too much smoke.

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It's me, Hacker T Dog.

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This is Hacker Time. Look what we've got coming up today.

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We've got this.

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Plenty of this.

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Oh, and a bit of that.

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Hopefully this show will be better than normal but I make no promises.

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Let's start the show with a bit of rock and roll, baby.

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Derek, turn up the amp to maximum.

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But Mr Hacker, it's not safe.

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-Just do it. I know what I'm doing.

-Whatever you say, Mr Hacker.

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AMP SQUEALS

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It's Hacker Time. Let's rock!

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ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

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CRASH!

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AMP WHINES

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CLATTER!

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My column of spine. Run the howlers while I sort my nonsense out.

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I'm just going to move over here. The sprinklers have just been turned on!

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My hair wasn't great.

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Earlier today I spoke to Doctor...

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Doctor? He's not a doctor. Although I need one.

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Earlier I spoke to Barrett Gary... Gary. Barry...

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Earlier today I spoke to Barry Hoffbar...

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HE LAUGHS

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It's going to land on me!

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Talk about Noah's Ark.

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I'm joined by a lifelong supporter of Newport, now the club president.

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And Dave Arnott, who used to play for the club.

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Come on! It's coming. Here we go.

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HE LAUGHS

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That was a world of nonsense.

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We'll get amongst more clips like that later.

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But our special guests should be here any moment now.

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They're here, Hacker, but they won't fall for it.

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You will see, Derek. You will see!

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EVIL CHUCKLE

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What's this? A new Breakfast studio this way?

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-No-one told us there was a new studio.

-No.

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-It must be along here.

-Oh, OK.

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CRASH!

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Please welcome today's special guests from BBC Breakfast.

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-It's Bill and Sian!

-What?

-Special guests?

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-Hi, Bill and Sian.

-Hi, Hacker.

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-What's this?

-What's this about special guests?

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Oh, ignore that. Your new studio's this way. Come on.

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Come on. Get on the set. You've live.

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You need to do the news.

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Sian, did you hear that? We're live.

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Which camera is it?

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-Hacker, this isn't the new studio, is it?

-Sure it is.

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-But it's not, is it?

-No, it's not.

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-Come on, we're leaving.

-No, wait!

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-This is better than your studio.

-It's not, is it?

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Behold! Breakfast.

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Bill and I are serious journalists.

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We won't hang around here just for breakfast.

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-Right, Bill?

-This muffin's lovely.

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-Will you stay as my guests for my telly show?

-I guess so.

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Yay! Let's find out about you with this fact file.

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Press that button.

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Bill and Sian do the breakfast news. It's news while you eat breakfast.

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I have sandwiches for breakfast.

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Bill and Sean love a milky brew. They always have a brew.

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Bill's got one here. He loves it.

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Here's Bill and Sian in action doing the news.

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Hey, do you just sit around on the sofa talking to men?

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Is that all you do, you lazy mooies? Ha ha!

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It's Bill and Sian.

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-What do you think of that?

-Lazy mooies?

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-You worked quite hard on that, I can tell.

-Yes, I did.

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Eh, you're pretty good at news.

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-This croissant's lovely.

-Bill! Yes, Hacker. We are top news journalists.

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My top story this hour is I think I can make news betterer.

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Over to our canine correspondent for more on this story.

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Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

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Today I'm going to make the news betterer

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with a few simple headlines. Bong!

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Breaking news. All news stories must be made up and fun.

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None of this politics and boring nonsense.

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Across now to Hacker T Dog with more on this. Oh, that's me.

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Yeah, what he said. Back to you in the studio.

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Thank you, Hacker.

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And now for more made up happy stories.

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Flowers are great, and that.

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Ickle hamsters are cute and never get ill.

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Cleaning your teeth with meat paste does nothing for your breath.

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Oh, I couldn't think of anything else... Yes, step two.

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News is too long and long equals boring. But I have a solution.

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Talk quicker. Yes. Hacker T Dog has more on this.

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That's right. Now back to the studio.

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Thanks. Today's other stories include a missing Bavarian cat,

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footballers being banned, Hacker Time has won awards,

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and the weather is fair with snow, rain, wind and sun and gales!

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CRASH!

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Ugh! Stupid lung capacity.

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Right, I've decided news is dull as the people just sit behind a desk.

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But not me. Get rid of that. Move that table away.

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I'm going to improve it now by singing and dancing the news.

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# When you're watching telly news just slip on your dancing shoes

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# Cos the news sounds better whatever the weather

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# If you're singing and a-dancing and a-dancing and a-singing

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# When you sing the news! #

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Eh, where you going? I've got more. This is a good bit.

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# When the news is about a robber who is in a spot of bother

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# Or a cat stuck up a tree It only sounds fun to me

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# If you're singing and a-dancing and a-dancing and a-singing

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# When you sing the news! #

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Thank you!

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Hello?

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Hello? Oh.

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# What do you think of that, Bill? #

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We'll put that to our bosses, but I'm not sure they'd be up for it.

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-Sure they will. Sian, you liked it, didn't you?

-I loved it.

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Sandwiches and sunny days and hamsters and that. We should do that.

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Eh, enough of that. It's time to talk about the past.

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Bill and Sian, a long time ago we used to work together, didn't we?

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-No.

-We did. I used to fix your computers and that.

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-You didn't.

-I did! Watch this. Push that red lever.

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-I've been left on my own.

-Hello.

-Has it got that bad?

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I'm here now. Confusion with the computer.

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-We're doing a lot of first aid.

-We are.

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We're trying to fix things which you can't see.

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Underneath this table we have computers,

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so the reason we look down is because your e-mails come up to us

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and the whole thing is kaput.

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All right. I'm doing my best to fix it. Keep your knick-knacks on.

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Sian, you apologise.

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I'm really sorry if you've been trying to send us messages.

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Bill, you tidy yourself up. You're a mess, man.

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-Anyway.

-Are you with us?

-I'm here now.

-I was all on my own.

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What are you talking about?

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You're not on your own. I'm right here, look.

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-Remember now?

-Yes, yes.

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I loved that job. Bill and Sian, I've got a few questions for you.

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-First, Sian.

-Yes?

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Have you ever thought about replacing Bill

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with someone smaller, hairier and called Hacker?

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All the time. You would be perfect sitting beside me.

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-Do you mind? Only for a few days.

-Bill, I've got one for you.

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Why do you stop working by 9:15? Are you lazy or something?

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-Why don't you get a proper job.

-I'm here now, aren't I?

-Good point.

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Sian, why do you never do a really important news story,

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like one about me, for example?

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-Would you like me to?

-Yes.

-What have you to say?

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-Not very much. You'll have to make it up a bit.

-OK.

-Is that OK?

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-I'll do it.

-I've got another one for you. What was your favourite...

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HE SCRATCHES AND TRIES TO TALK

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Stop scratching me! Argh!

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Hey, Hacker, stop wasting Bill and Sian's time with silly questions.

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I've got some news. A flea is going to get hit by a giant paw.

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Oh, dear. I'd hate to be that flea.

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Whoa!

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Oh, that's got it. Phew!

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So what was your... Oh, I've forgotten the question.

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-Let's do something else.

-Any more croissants?

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You greedy mooie!

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Let's watch some more of my howlers.

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-You've got to watch this. Sian, flick that switch.

-OK, here we go.

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The first one's you, Bill.

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In his party conference speech... Which camera are we on here?

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Hello.

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THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

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Ooh! Eating my breakfast. Marvellous. Caught in the act.

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Sorry, my earring's come off.

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# I see neon lights... #

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The accident and emergency unit is almost certain to move from...

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# Don't get me wrong... #

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On BBC News 25... News 24, even!

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Pay attention, Clarence. Clarence? He can't hear me.

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Now Prime Minister's Questions.

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Tony Black... Tony Blair back with bleary-eyed nose... Bleary eyes.

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I'm getting this wrong.

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Ha ha! He's just printed out two pieces of blank paper.

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Let's go straight to New York. Nick?

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Is it off the back of my package?

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Apologies for that.

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Now the business news with Declan.

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Good morning, Declan. Declan?

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He's having a nice time reading e-mails.

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SHE LAUGHS

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David Trimble is coming under pressure

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to support the plan that many say does not go nearly far enough.

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Eastbourne Council is planning...

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FLY BUZZES

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..£200,000 could be taken off the budget...

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That's all from us for now. Have a good weekend.

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BUZZING

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Ha ha. What a lot of Charlies!

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Now, Bill and Sian, I have some more questions for you.

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Will you take them seriously? This is the proper bit.

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Lights, please.

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Bill, what's the best news you've ever had?

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When I heard I was coming on your programme.

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Ah, the right answer, well done.

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Sian, can you shuffle this pile of messy pages into a neat stack

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like what you do on the news?

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-It's quite hard, isn't it? Not as easy as you think.

-You can do it.

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Perfect. Nice, that.

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Bill, can you make a news story for me and can it be about

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little old me involving a sandwich, a pink dress

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-and a sports day at school?

-OK.

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Police are investigating a serious theft of a sandwich

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from a school sports day.

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The main suspect is a dog last seen running away wearing a pink dress.

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Oh, William! That's a nice story. Lights, please.

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Imagine who'd do something like that with a pink dress on.

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That's what you think but you're not real. You're just off the telly.

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Let's see what real people with real lives think.

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I'm off.

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Hello!

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I'm here at this place to ask some small people some big questions,

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but they don't know I'm coming. I'm giving them a surprise. Let's go.

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ALL: Oooh!

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They look like a rowdy bunch. My lot must be in another classroom.

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The news can be quite sad sometimes,

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but these lot will tell me some good news.

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-Hello.

-Hi.

-What's the best news you've ever had?

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-Hacker Time coming to our school.

-When I got my rabbit.

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Knowing I'm going to be on TV.

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When I found out I was going to a theme park.

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-When I heard I was going to a dinosaur show.

-A dinosaur show?

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-With real dinosaurs?

-No, they were animatronic.

-Wow!

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Thanks very much for all your good news. You were fantastic.

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I reckon this lot could be newsreaders.

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I've given them a fabulous headline

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and I'd like them to read it out with their most serious voices.

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Police have been given new underwear.

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They are said to be happy to be under a vest.

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Ha ha! Under a vest!

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Because vest is underwear and 'a vest' is like 'arrest'. Ha ha ha!

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A cat burglar was caught today.

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He said, "I almost got away with the purr-fect crime."

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Purr-fect crime! That's because it's a cat and they go purr. Ha ha ha!

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These lot are going to write a story about me.

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It must include me, a sandwich, a pink dress and my school sports day.

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Gather round now cos I want to hear it.

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And in breaking news,

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we're getting reports that a teeny tiny little dog called Hacker has...

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Escaped from the CBBC office.

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He made his way on to the school field in the middle of sports day.

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People laughed at him for wearing his pink dress.

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Ken, the caretaker, tempted Hacker away from the field

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with a CBBC cold bean, banana and coleslaw sandwich?!

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Ian was called to rescue Hacker from the children and order was restored.

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He comes in here, takes over my story,

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which was a very good story I might add,

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but I'm not having Ian taking over my glory -

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I WON'T HAVE IT!

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Thank you.

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Bill and Sian, I'm back!

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Oh, look at that button!

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"Do Not Push," but I want to give it a little push, I like buttons.

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Shall I push ya?

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Yeah?

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Who can argue with a button? Here we go. Ha!

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We simply don't know, we haven't seen th...

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'Must be some sort of elaborate light switch.'

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Sorry about that!

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-Oh, have you got any more food?

-Don't give him any more food!

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-Oh, come on, just a snack. Something light.

-Light?

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I didn't do anything to that light, you can't prove anything.

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-What are you going on about?

-Oh, er, nothing, nooo, nothing.

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Anyway, on with the show. Derek, play that thing, please.

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One menu, served hot. Hoo-hoo!

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Still to come today, this...

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this...

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-Ahhh!

-Ahhh!

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..and this!

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Hold on a minute, they're not in it. Derek, run some more howlers, quick!

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Hello, this is breakfast from... We, it's, here's Moira with the news.

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Mark Pragnell is managing director of the Centre...

0:17:150:17:19

Lawyers have agreed to take the case,

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which is likely to cost £3 million,

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on the basis that if the claimants don't win they won't pay any fees.

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Plymouth Gin has sent a present of her favourite tipple...

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..are heading back to Wembley.

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The FA Vase holders booked their spot in May's final,

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with a 2-1 win over...

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..the title that's been in his grasp for weeks may well disappear.

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-Why's she on the front page of The Times?

-Why's your pen on the floor?

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Sorry, I'm sure I can get that.

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There's a... Ooh, sorry! Ha-ha-ha!

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Sorry, I do beg... I was chatting to Matthew and to,

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what's your name? Jane, sorry.

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But they didn't ask permission to use the...

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Oh, well.

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-Sales of hens have booming. Ha-ha-ha!

-As city dwellers...

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Thank you, take up a growing trend to keep poultry as pets.

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Enthusiasts say they are low maintenance, need only a hutch

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and small patch of garden...sorry,

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-and ensure that eggs are delivered fresh...

-Well done.

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-Ha-ha-ha! What are they like?! Now, Bill and Sian.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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-You're right good at the news and that, isn't that right Sian.

-Well...

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-We try our best.

-Yeah, well, I have a challenge for you.

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-Derek, do the newsy thing.

-Mm, hee-hee-hee!

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-Look at that thing there, look.

-Oh, very good, yeah.

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This is now a news studio and I have a challenge.

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Ooh, what is it?

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You must read these news stories and keep a straight face.

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Oh, that should be easy.

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You will see, ha, you will see. Begin.

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Hello and welcome to the news.

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Our top story today,

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thieves have stolen all the toilets from the police station.

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-Detectives are looking, but they say they've nothing to go on.

-PARP!

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Phew, I'd give that a few minutes, hee-hee-hee!

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In an unrelated incident

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it is also understood that a thief has stolen 100 wigs.

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Police are combing the area for clues.

0:19:320:19:34

Do you like my wig, Sian?

0:19:340:19:36

Ha-ha-ha!

0:19:360:19:38

Following an investigation

0:19:380:19:40

we can reveal why the chicken crossed the road.

0:19:400:19:43

Our sources allege it was to get to the other side.

0:19:430:19:46

-I am a chicken leg!

-Mmm.

0:19:460:19:49

Bill, no!

0:19:490:19:51

And this just in.

0:19:510:19:53

A famous tap dancer has been taken to hospital,

0:19:530:19:56

early reports suggest he fell into the sink.

0:19:560:19:59

Oh, look at me, I'm tap dancing. Ha-ha! Whoa!

0:19:590:20:03

Oh, bodges, I've fallen into the sink.

0:20:030:20:06

Sports news now, a man has been banned from selling tennis equipment

0:20:060:20:11

after it turned out to be a racket.

0:20:110:20:13

Sorry, Sian!

0:20:150:20:16

And finally...

0:20:160:20:18

a recent wedding was so emotional that even the cake was in tears.

0:20:180:20:23

Look, I'm some kind of cake! Ha-ha!

0:20:230:20:27

Oh, time up!

0:20:270:20:28

-Yes, you did well considering, didn't you?

-Thank you!

0:20:280:20:32

Now, Bill, do you think there are enough dogs on telly?

0:20:320:20:35

No, Hacker, I think there should be more dogs on telly.

0:20:350:20:39

Yes, well, I agree,

0:20:390:20:40

that is why me and Dodger have made this, Dogs In Space.

0:20:400:20:44

You gotta watch it!

0:20:440:20:45

Deep in the midst of space,

0:20:490:20:51

two dogs have found themselves in charge of a rocket ship.

0:20:510:20:55

They're hard at work discovering planets and carrying out tests.

0:20:550:20:59

Well, they're supposed to be.

0:20:590:21:01

Dodge, engage thrusters, initiate hyper-drive,

0:21:010:21:05

-trigger fission reactor.

-What?

0:21:050:21:08

Oh, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

0:21:080:21:11

-Are we there yet?

-No.

0:21:200:21:22

-How about now?

-No!

0:21:240:21:26

-Er, now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

-Now?

-No!

0:21:260:21:31

-Now, now, now...oh!

-He-he-he-he ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:21:310:21:35

-Hacker...

-Just keep reading that map!

0:21:420:21:45

-You've got us lost twice around Venus already!

-But I feel sick.

0:21:450:21:50

Pipe down you mooey! Suck on a boiled sweet.

0:21:500:21:52

Is it left at Pluto, or second right at the Milky Way?

0:21:520:21:56

Oh, oh, ugh, urgh. Oh!

0:21:560:21:59

No, don't, don't, you'll start me off.

0:21:590:22:01

Oh, I can't hold it in! Where's that bag? Bleurgh, bleurgh!

0:22:010:22:05

Bleurgh, bleurgh! Urgh, err.

0:22:050:22:08

-Dodger, you dirty mooey!

-Urgh, bleurgh!

0:22:080:22:12

Oh, er, I still feel a bit rough.

0:22:180:22:20

-How about some music to pass the time?

-Oh, yeah, great idea.

0:22:200:22:24

MUSIC: "Spinning Around" by Kylie Minogue

0:22:240:22:27

MUSIC: "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by The Rednex

0:22:270:22:30

MUSIC: "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Jefferson Starship

0:22:300:22:32

MUSIC: "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by The Rednex

0:22:320:22:34

-Huh?

-Did you just make a trouser sound?

-No!

0:22:410:22:45

Oh, bodges, we're out of juice!

0:22:450:22:48

I thought you'd filled the tank before we left?

0:22:480:22:50

-I thought you'd filled it!

-I thought you were going to!

0:22:500:22:54

-I thought you were going to!

-I thought you were going to do it!

0:22:540:22:58

-Ahhhh!

-Ahhhh!

0:22:580:23:01

This wild drama continues when we return to Dogs In Space!

0:23:040:23:09

-That were good, weren't it?

-Excellent, I really liked it.

-Yeah.

0:23:090:23:13

It's almost the end of the show. I've no more need for you.

0:23:130:23:17

-OK, can we go?

-Yes, can you leave, please?

0:23:170:23:19

-I've got things to be getting on with.

-OK.

0:23:190:23:23

Oh, but before you go, have this little memento.

0:23:230:23:27

The Hacker Time dog bowl is the latest in doggy chic.

0:23:290:23:33

It can store food, store water, store...

0:23:330:23:37

Well, mainly just food and water really. Oh.

0:23:370:23:41

-It's a Hacker Time dog bowl.

-Oh, isn't it lovely?

0:23:430:23:46

-No, Sian, naughty, Sian, not for you!

-Why not?

0:23:460:23:49

I know what happens when you get your mitts on them.

0:23:490:23:52

-What?!

-I mean this.

0:23:520:23:55

People are getting anxious about me using water,

0:23:550:23:58

with computers, everything's going to go wrong!

0:23:580:24:01

She asked the Dragons for money,

0:24:010:24:03

they said, "You will never sell it in the States!"

0:24:030:24:06

-It's spill proof.

-It's spill proofed, it's for dogs...

0:24:060:24:10

I'm tilting it all this way and still not spilt.

0:24:100:24:13

-It's magic.

-I'm not doing it upside down.

0:24:130:24:16

-I'm doing it upside down.

-Go on then!

0:24:160:24:18

I take full responsibility for my actions.

0:24:180:24:23

-No!

-Whoa! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:24:230:24:26

-So, William, you are only allowed to touch said dog bowl.

-OK.

0:24:260:24:30

-You'll take good care of it?

-I will, I'll give it to my dogs.

0:24:300:24:34

-Now, come on, you two, get out of it!

-Oh, OK, now?

0:24:340:24:37

-Well, I've got things to do now. Go on, hop it!

-Oh, all right.

0:24:370:24:41

-You're taking up my valuable time.

-OK.

-Sorry.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-Yeah, OK.

0:24:410:24:46

-Hurry up, then.

-Yeah, we're going!

0:24:460:24:49

-Give me a ring later.

-Yeah, OK, bye!

0:24:490:24:51

-Mind your head!

-Oh!

-Oh.

0:24:510:24:53

They were nice, weren't they? But I'm glad they've gone,

0:24:530:24:57

I don't want them getting in the way now.

0:24:570:24:59

It's time for some of my favourite stuff from around this great world.

0:24:590:25:04

It's Hacker's Top News Howlers!

0:25:040:25:07

At five, this lady is just trying to read the news.

0:25:090:25:14

Oh, hello, Moira! Nice to see you, how are you doing?

0:25:140:25:17

Hang on a minute, what the bodges? Who's that? Get out of her way!

0:25:170:25:23

Four!

0:25:230:25:24

And at four here's a man who is trying to read the news.

0:25:240:25:28

Good evening, if the autocue was working

0:25:280:25:31

I could now read you something, but as it isn't, I can't.

0:25:310:25:34

Why did he give up so easily?

0:25:340:25:36

He could have just made something up, it's easy. Erm...

0:25:360:25:40

Oh, can't think of anything. Ohh!

0:25:400:25:42

Three!

0:25:420:25:44

And at three, this man just thinks it's all nonsense, watch this!

0:25:440:25:48

A bill giving more autonomy to the French National Assembly has

0:25:480:25:53

adopted, must approve the measures before, erm, a constitutional revue.

0:25:530:25:59

I'm sorry, this story is absolute...erm, nonsense.

0:25:590:26:02

-I'll continue with some headlines.

-I agree young man.

0:26:020:26:06

And here's some more nonsense.

0:26:060:26:08

Two!

0:26:080:26:09

At two, this newsreader gets a bit distracted.

0:26:090:26:13

This is BBC News 24.

0:26:130:26:16

I beg your pardon, I'd lost you there! I was reading, but...

0:26:160:26:20

-I could've carried on, but I thought I'd drop you in it!

-Thank you!

0:26:200:26:24

How unprofessional.

0:26:240:26:26

Oh, look, something shiny!

0:26:260:26:28

And one!

0:26:280:26:30

And at number one, my favourite howler is this man on the news

0:26:300:26:34

that sounds like a Dalek!

0:26:340:26:36

ECHOING: Here's Chris. Oh!

0:26:360:26:38

-ECHOING:

-Ha-ha-ha! Thank you very much indeed.

0:26:380:26:41

Well, what an extraordinary sound.

0:26:410:26:44

Ha-ha-ha! Imagine Daleks reading the news, what a lol! Exterminate!

0:26:440:26:50

Except when they take over the world! Oh, bodges!

0:26:500:26:54

Thank you.

0:26:550:26:57

That was good, weren't it, Tarquin? Yeah, anyway, news just in.

0:26:570:27:01

That's the end of the show!

0:27:010:27:02

Thanks to Bill and Sian for getting amongst my telly show,

0:27:020:27:06

it was a slightly above average episode.

0:27:060:27:08

Oh, and here's some breaking news.

0:27:080:27:10

We've just got time for my brilliant song, hurrah!

0:27:100:27:14

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:200:27:22

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

0:27:220:27:24

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

0:27:240:27:27

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:270:27:29

# We've had a lol or two Watching some clips

0:27:290:27:32

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

0:27:320:27:34

# I'll show you more funny stuff When I'm next on

0:27:340:27:36

# Who needs other telly shows Mine's the best one

0:27:360:27:39

# Bill and Sian from Breakfast News Were my guests today

0:27:390:27:44

# We read some news We had some fun

0:27:440:27:46

# Then I'd had enough So I sent them away

0:27:460:27:49

# That is it for now The end of the show

0:27:490:27:51

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

0:27:510:27:53

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

0:27:530:27:56

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

0:27:560:27:58

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time... #

0:27:580:28:00

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0:28:000:28:04

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