Stefan Gates Hacker Time

You gotta watch this.

HE FARTS

You gotta watch this.

You gotta watch this!

My, my, my.

# Programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, oh, my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly but not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't eat too much

# This is the show you can't touch. #

Stop! Hacker Time! Thank you.

Hello. I'm Hacker the dog and you're watching Hacker Time.

It's my own show and everything.

Coming up today, we've got this...

I've always wanted to do this.

LAUGHTER

This...

And that...

I can't wait! It's going to be a right old load of nonsense.

And to celebrate I've got myself a brand new Hacker Time Sign. Aroo?!

Herman, where's my new showbiz sign? Oh, I am livid!

I demand you bring it in this instant. Useless!

-I hope I'm not... Ah!

-D'oh!

What the...? What happened there? Who did that? I won't have it!

I want someone gone for this! I demand answers!

Derek, quick! Play some howlers while I sort meself out.

Ooh, me nonsense!

Hey, Michelle. I've just finished making some origami pigeons

which will be perfect prey

-for our vicious falcon to be flying over.

-Brilliant.

That was a bit hard! I meant to go there.

Put it back in the river, Barry.

'Scuse me, you've got the farmer. You're taking the farmer with you.

-Keep going!

-To me, to me, to me!

Put my safety specs on. If you haven't got a nail-gun at home,

you can easily drill...

To be a criminal, you've got to act criminal. Now...

It didn't come off!

I can't get it off!

Ha-ha-ha! Ain't it comical? Those lot are riddled with nonsense.

More hilarious howlers later.

Now, what are we doing next? Let's have a look. Ah, here we go.

Chicken biryani, three apples,

lots of sandwiches, a new pair of pants...

Oh, bodge it. That's my shopping list. Where's me script gone?

Ah, here we go. It says,

"Hacker introduces the guest."

Derek, where's our guest? I look a right plum waiting here!

-HE SNORES

-Oh! Oh, sorry. Sorry, Hacker.

Yeah, he's here. He's coming.

Ha-ha-ha! He'll definitely fall for this.

It's that Stefan off Gastronuts.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

"Really weird food?" Fantastic!

Maybe they've got some crocodile, or some walrus.

Or maybe some Brussels sprouts. They really are weird!

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

'today's special guest - Stefan Gates!'

Special guest? I'm here for the Brussels sprouts.

-Oh, hello, Stefan.

-Oh, hello, Hacker. What are you doing here?

-Oh, well, er...

-Where's all this weird food?

Oh, I tell you what. It's, er... It's been kidnapped!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

It's been kidnapped?

Er...yeah. A big angry owl swooped in and stole it all

and put it in his large satchel he was carrying.

It was one 'eck of a nonsense, Stefan. A most unsightly business.

An owl? Yeah, that is a bit scary, isn't it?

Well, OK. No weird food. I'll be off, I'll see you later.

Whoa, whoa! Hang on, young gentleman.

While you're here, you can be my very special guest

on my tiny little tiny television programme.

-You've got a television show?

-I know.

It's a terrible oversight by them. I don't know what's gone on there.

Tell you what. If you stay, I'll give you sweeties.

You like food and that, don't you?

-I suppose so. Well, seeing as it's you, all right, then.

-Come on, then.

What sort of sweets have you got, Hacks? I'm a big fan of cola bottles.

Oh, it's better than that. They're in there.

-Oh. Flying saucers?

-It's better than that.

Well, I like most sweets, to be frank.

The only thing I really don't like is liquorice.

-Oh, bodges!

-That is literally the only taste on the planet

I can't stand.

I knew I shouldn't have trusted Dodger when he said you liked it.

He read it off that internet encyclopaedia thing.

Oh, never mind, Stefan. It'll still be fun and that on my show.

I've made a little fact file about you and everything.

-Press that thing and we'll see it.

-This one?

-Yeah.

Stefan Gates is a man. He likes food and that,

but not normal things like biryani

and sandwiches, oh, no!

He eats stuff like this, eurgh! And that! And this green muck! Yuck!

Nice eyebrows, though.

He even once ate a walrus. What's wrong with you, man?

Have yourself a cupcake or summat!

Anyway, here's Stefan Thingie.

Walrus?! What was that all about?

They genuinely love eating walrus up in Northern Canada, and it's rotten.

It certainly is, it looks vile.

-Stefan, you think you're a good cook?

-Yeah, I'm pretty good.

Then how do you explain this monstrosity?

Er...that's mopane worms.

They're massive and they eat them a lot in South Africa.

Filth, more like it. I wouldn't give that muck to a dog... Oh.

Anyway, watch and observe

because I'm going to make cooking betterer.

Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

Today I'm going to show you

how to become a betterer cook in a few easy steps.

Cookery takes a lot of effort,

so my first rule is - always get someone else to do it for you.

-In you come, Mrs Crabfussy.

-Oh, Hacker.

You really ought to cook for yourself, you know.

Pipe down, you. You know the motto, don't you?

-Hungry Hacker ain't a happy Hacker.

-And what am I now?

-Not happy?

-Correct.

Now get cooking, Crabfussy.

Not the flour. It's the eggs first. Put the eggs in first.

Hacker is a very busy dog,

so it's important not to waste time making food.

Mrs Crabfussy, could you move that cake please for a minute?

-Excuse me, have you got the time?

-Why, certainly. It's approx...

SPLAT!

Oh! That took me hours to make!

See? That was a waste of time. You could have just...

..bought the cake in. Ah, lovely sponges.

-No-one wants to waste hours eating a three-course meal.

-Don't they?

-I quite like to cook.

-No, no. In and out, I say.

More time for sniffing trees and that.

Now, put that thing in that other thing there.

-My nice prawn cocktail starter? In the mixer?!

-Put it in.

Yep. That's it.

Now that, and that muck there. Put it in.

Now just zap it.

How appealing. Bring it over.

I feel a bit bilious.

Bleurgh!

Oh! For more of my recipes,

go to www.bleurgh.com

Oh, yeah, I think I must have had

one of those 24-hour bug things there.

Nothing to do with that filthy foodshake thing you made?

Oh, no. That was perfectly fine, that. Anyway, Stefan,

tell me about your Gastronuts show.

-Is it good doing all that weird stuff with food?

-Oh, it's brilliant.

It's about turning food into an adventure.

We get to play with our food all day. We do things like blow cereals up.

Oh, yeah! I love that one! But I do have a bone to pick with you.

You and your Gastronuts caused me a right spot of bother one time.

Really? I don't remember that.

Yeah, you were trying to cook scrambled egg in a tumble dryer

for some strange reason, and look what occurred.

The salmon, vegetables and scrambled egg have been in for an hour.

But will they be ready to eat?

-Oi, look. It's spit all over the thing.

-Well, yeah.

Looks a bit of a mess, doesn't it?

-Eurgh, that looks gooey.

-Boiled puke.

-Boiled puke?

Yeah, that's made a real mess of that. We'll stash it over here.

There we are, the cycle's come to a natural end.

I'll just get me nick-nacks out. Get these out of there.

Oh, look! There's egg all over me nick-nacks!

Stefan! I hold you personally responsible for this.

These are ruined. I can't wear them, they're covered in egg!

So what have you got to say for yourself?

I don't remember you being there, but if that was your tumble dryer,

I'm sorry. You shouldn't put food in a tumble dryer anyway.

It's not a good idea, is it?

Since you're here, I want to ask you some serious questions about food,

like a proper presenter.

-Oh, at last. Go for it.

-What's the biggest food?

The biggest food? Er...a big pumpkin? I don't know.

Do some of them foods that you eat make you feel bilious?

Not me, but I've made quite a few people sick in the past.

Yes, you have. What's your favourite blue food?

Favourite blue food? Er... You get blue potatoes.

-I suppose They're pretty good.

-Do you like fluids or yeasts better?

You're not making sense now, Hacks.

What's you favourite food that you've ever...? Oh. What's your...?

Oh, sorry. What's your favourite...? Oh, stop it. Stop scratching!

Hacker, stop wasting Stefan's time with your stupid questions.

-Hey, what's for dinner tonight?

-I don't know. What do you want?

-Duck!

-No, no, no. I hate duck.

-No, not duck. Duck!

-What? Ah!

Blooming fleas! Oh, that's got it.

Right, what was I on about? What's the biggest...

Oh, it wasn't that. It's gone, Stefan.

Shall we just watch some below par cookery?

-Yeah, why not?

-Pull that lever.

30 seconds.

Well, let's get... Ah!

LAUGHTER

I forgot that was out of the oven.

Oh, dear me!

This is the best bit about pancake day.

DRUM ROLL Let's have a nice flip.

That's probably best left on the floor.

Put the butter, followed by caster sugar -

the whole of the quantity of caster sugar -

followed by brown sugar.

Make sure it's sugar, for goodness sake.

Can we stop for a second? I've just put salt in.

LAUGHTER

It won't win an award for presentation,

but I think it's ready for the oven.

-Si?

-Si.

I've always wanted to do this.

I can't believe what I've just done.

HACKER LAUGHS

They're all fair to middling about cooking at best, that lot,

-aren't they?

-HACKER LAUGHS

Hacker, are we going to get round to some cooking?

Are we going to rustle up some ostrich stew or buffalo broth?

Oh, you wouldn't get me eating that muck, Stefan.

But if we are going to cook,

then I need to make sure you're as good as me.

I have written five food books, mate.

Don't show off. I've put together a taste test for you.

-Do you understand?

-Yeah, I think so.

All right. Put that blindfold on. Put it over your eyes.

Heh-heh-heh(!)

-It's a bit daft.

-Oh, OK.

-Is it upon you?

-Yeah, it is.

-Right.

Now, if you can reach down there, there's a silver thing.

That's it. Pull the lid off.

Place it down.

Now get in that. Reach in, grasp some of that.

Not that, that's the sign.

That bit. That's it. Put it in your face.

Eat it.

-What is it?

-Bamboo shoots?

-Take your blindfold off.

It's cactus!

-It is cactus!

-Yeah, it's cactus.

-It's quite sour.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah, I like it a lot, actually.

-Do you like that a lot?

-Yeah.

Put your blindfold back on because I've got more fun and games for you.

-Is it going to get better?

-Well...

Remove the lid of number two. That's it.

Place it in that area.

That's very good that. Now reach in there.

Not that. Grasp one of them things.

Now put it in your face -

your mouth! And eat it up.

-Mmm.

-What is it?

-Chocolatey on the outside, strangely crunchy on the inside.

-Yeah.

Eat more of it.

-Mmm.

-What is it?

-Is it... Is it an insect?

-It is, I think.

-What is it?

-Have a look. Take your eye thing off.

-Why, it's chocolate covered scorpion!

-Yes! I love 'em!

-Yay!

I'll have more of that. I'm very happy with that.

-They're quite expensive. Put your eye thing back on.

-OK.

Now get over here, right, and remove lid number three.

Now, as a treat for you,

Stefan, I've prepped you a spoon there cos it's got a liquid quality.

-So if you could reach for the spoon. There it is.

-Yes.

-Get a bit of that.

-There's some on it.

-It's a strangely warm and moist spoon.

Put it in your face! Mouth, I mean!

Graze on that now. What is it?

Dog food?

Well, you'll be amazed.

-Take your eye thing off cos it is either dog food or beef stew.

-Oh!

I can't remember. I mixed up my tins. Never mind. That's the end.

-Well done, you.

-Thank you.

-Did you like it?

-No.

-He loved it!

Now I'm going to see how some genuine children got on.

See you in a bit!

The kids at this place reckon they're all food experts,

so I've done a little test for them.

I've made some sandwiches with horrible fillings

and they have to taste them with blindfolds on

and tell me what's in them.

I will now inform you of said fillings.

This one is beans and banana, ugh!

Cheese and chocolate. Yuk!

And that one is jam and ham. Urgh!

Let's see how they get on.

Here we have some lovely people now who will taste test the sandwiches.

First is you. Pick up your sandwich and give it a nice, big bite.

-Oh, that's manky!

-Manky but what's in it?

-I've no idea.

-You don't know. Have a guess.

-It's like jam and cheese.

All right. Take off your mask. I'll tell you what it is.

-It's cheese and chocolate.

-Oh! I got cheese right.

-Yeah, you did well then. Well done, you!

-Thank you.

Have a nice big bite of it and we'll see what's in it.

Give it a big old chew.

-Now, can you guess what's in that sandwich?

-Jam.

-And what else?

-Ham.

Jam and ham! Take your blindfold off.

It is jam and ham. Well done, you!

-Reach down there and grab your sandwich. Have you got it?

-Yep.

Take a nice big bite of it. Yum, yum, yum.

-What do you think it is?

-Ugh! Banana.

-Banana and...?

-I don't know.

-Don't know?

-Want me to tell you?

-Yes.

-Take off your blindfold.

-It's banana and beans!

-Ugh!

-Ugh!

-Urgh!

-Yep, it's banana and bleurgh!

Banana and blugh! Banana and beans!

Well done! The right answer!

Look at all this mess!

Well, at least we've learned that taste tests

are an invaluable way to taste and test things.

See you later.

-CRASH!

-Thank you.

Ooh, look! A button!

That button looks like it could do with a little press, doesn't it?

But it says, "Do not push."

But there's limited witnesses,

so I'll have a little press of the button.

Nothing happened then. Rubbish.

Is it wired in? Try it again.

Nothing! This is a rubbish button, this!

Come on, do something!

Ugh!

Oh, that must be broken. Never mind.

Yah!

Oh!

Nothing! Piece of tat!

-You all right, Stefan? I've got some good news.

-Oh, what's that?

-It's not the end of the show yet.

-Oh.

Still to come today we've got this...

This...

And this. What? Who are they? They're not in it!

Quick, Derek, grab some more howlers.

-How about that for a bag?

-It's beautiful.

-The combinations there are lovely.

-Lovely.

-There's almost too much there. It's fantastic.

-I know.

Great bistro bag and we've got another lovely...person.

I nearly said, "Lovely bag to come on!"

You'd be in trouble with the wife!

-Oh, there's a cucumber in the bottom here.

-Ains?

-Yeah.

Your new hairpiece.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

PHILIP LAUGHS

What's happened?

My ring's come off!

-And there it is!

-Ten, nine, eight...

Black pepper! Black pepper!

Seven, six, five, four, three,

two, one, stop cooking!

Oh, hey, what are they like?!

They're not as good at cooking as me and you, are they, Stefan, eh?

Well, not as good as me, maybe, but, you know,

I've written five cookery books.

I've presented hundreds of hours of food TV.

-You, are you really that good a cook?

-Me? Stefan, I am an expert.

Come on, I'll show you. We can make a nice cake if you get over here.

-Oh, here we go.

-Put your pinny on.

-Yep.

-Oh, yes, it's a Blue Peter pinny.

I borrowed it, using my contacts and that.

I have got an old recipe here,

handed down through generations of the T Dog family.

-All the stuff you need is here. Are you ready?

-Ready as I'll ever be.

Yeah, all right. "Step One. Put some sugar in a cake tin."

Add three eggs.

-Yeah, add three eggs.

-What are you doing, man?

Put them all in, the shells as well. That's the best bit.

I know you like weird, crazy food, but no shells? That's just madness.

That's it. Now...add flour.

-OK.

-Hey, what's going on?

Well, you said add flour.

I know, what's this white muck? THAT'S a flower.

-That?

-Yeah, get it in.

-But you shouldn't put...

Just do it, come on. Can't get the staff these days, can you? Is it in?

Right, step four. Add a pear...

..of apples. Note - do not substitute with pears.

The T Dog family are allergic to pears, did you get that?

-Yeah.

-Good.

I'd be riddled if I ate a pear. Right, that's it.

Stir it all up and put it in the oven.

-Are you sure this is ready?

-Yeah.

This recipe has never failed, it makes a lovely, tasty cake. Yeah.

That's it, put it in there.

-Borrowed the oven from Blue Peter.

-Yeah...

-Keep that to yourselves.

Now, we make polite conversation while it cooks.

So where are you going on your holidays this year?

-Somewhere warm, somewhere with a bit of sand and beach.

-Sounds exciting.

-Can I come?

-Yeah, of course.

-What a lovely man.

-If you clean up a bit.

I'm going to go to Wigan

cos we've just got a nice, new shopping centre...

-OVEN BEEPS

-Oh, it's done. Get it out the oven.

HE GIGGLES WITH EXCITEMENT

Where you want me to throw away this rubbish cake, Hacker?

-Be quiet, Herman, and go away.

-What was that about some rubbish old cake?

Nothing, I didn't swap cakes or anything. Um...moving on.

Let's watch some nonsense that me and my half-brother, Dodge

got up to t'other weekend.

It's got some dogs in it, right? And it's set in space.

-What's it called?

-Dogs In Space, you mooey. Run it.

Yes, Hacker. Here we go.

'Deep in the midst of space, two dogs have somehow

'found themselves in charge of a rocket ship.

'Unfortunately, they've not got a clue what they're doing.'

Oh, press something! Fire the parachute, lower the anchor!

Aha! I've found the rocket master plug, I'll whack it with a hammer.

-No!

-D'oh!

Tell me you didn't break the power supply.

Er...no. Dodge did.

It's just lucky you're about to crash-land into...

-the planet Electron.

-It's not luck, it's skill.

Find the robot alien leader, Plugtaro,

and ask him to give the engines a jump-start.

Right, t'rific. So find a leccy shop and buy a plug, got it.

BOTH GASP

Hold up, young Dodge. Cables, a plug? You know what to do.

Ha-ha!

-PLUGTARO:

-Oh, bodges!

Nothing to see here.

Come on, Dodge. I'm gasping for a brew.

Switching main power on now.

-Aha, yeah.

-Huh?

Get some cream on it, it will drop off... Oh!

-Fantastic, you found Plugtaro and got the jump-start.

-No, er...

-No aliens to be seen, just picked up a big, shiny plug.

-A plug?

HE SIGHS

0h, bodges.

Hit it, Dodge!

'And off they go to continue their voyage,

'but there'll be back to make another complete hash of it

'again soon when we return to Dogs In Space.'

I'll tell you what, I am a brilliant actor, aren't I?

I surprise myself sometimes.

Well, thank you, Stefan, for being a guest on my show today.

You're one of the best food-themed guests we've ever had on here.

-How many food-themed guests have you had?

-No others.

-Oh.

-I tell you what, though,

-I've got a present here to thank you for coming on.

-Oh, yeah?

It's a dog bowl, have a look at this.

The Hacker Time dog bowl is the latest in doggy chic.

It can store food, store water, store...

Well, mainly just food and water, really.

-What do you think?

-I don't mean to seem ungrateful but that's rubbish.

Well, that's not all I've got you, I've got you a doggy bag.

Fantastic, so a bag full of leftovers?

Something weird I can cook up at home?

No. Food? What are you talking about, man? I said a doggy bag.

-Here you go.

-HE GRUNTS

Oh.

That's one of the best dog-themed presents I've ever been given.

Thanks very much. Stefan, you can pop back any time.

-But not for a bit, eh? I've got to get on. Bye!

-That's it, is it?

Off you pop, see you later. Don't forget your apparatus.

Right, now he's cleared off, let's take a look

at some of my favourite food LOLs from across the world.

This is...

In at three, we all know that dogs are dead clever

and cats are dead stupid. Except this one - he eats food with a fork.

Look! It's chaos.

Look at him, he's got a fork!

I can't believe that, eh?

My second favourite food howler is all about eggs.

Now, I like eating them but think how they must feel about that.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICES Whoa, where are they taking Steve?

-What's she doing?

-Where's Steve going?

-Wha...?

SCREAMING

Ha-ha! Them poor eggs, what are they like?

My favourite food howler of the day features animals,

it features food and it features a silly song.

What more could you want?

# Num num num num num num num Num num num num num num num num

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# Num num num num num num num Num num num num num num num num

# Num num num num num num num Num num num num num num num

RHYTHM KICKS IN # Num num num num num num num

# Num num num num num num num num # Num num num num num num num

# Num num num num num num num. #

Ha-ha!

That lot have got me feeling hungry. Time for me to go, I think.

Thanks for getting amongst today's episode of Hacker Time

and thanks to Stefan Gates for telling us all about food,

even if he's not as good at cooking as I am. Hee-hee!

I'll leave you today with a song. See you next time.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two Watching some clips

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

# I did some cooking with Stefan Gates, the bloke from Gastronuts

# I got him tasting some crazy food It was all too much for me

# And I feel bilious

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end Of today's Hacker Time! #