JK & Joel Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my Programme hits you - so hard

# Makes me say, oh my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't eat too much

# This is the show you can't touch

-# Stop!

-Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Hello!

It's me, Dodge T Dog,

and welcome to...Dodge Time!

Unfortunately, Hacker is, um... "unavailable" today,

so he's asked me to fill in.

I'm in charge!

Coming up, we've got this.

SQUEAK!

We've got this.

And we've got him.

So don't go away.

Keep it tuned into Dodge Time.

It's all mine, baby!

RATTLING

-Uh, yeah, it'll be really good.

-Hello? Hello, let me in!

-Sorry about that, must be, um, mice. Giant mice, yeah.

-Hello?

-Let me in!

-Let's start, shall we?

Derek? Run the howlers.

It's mice, promise.

Arf?

Dodger! What's all this? What are you doing, you filthy animal?

-Oh, budgerigars.

-You locked me out, didn't you?

I can't believe it, you disgust me, Dodge.

Now clear off, and don't come back until Downstairs Abbey time later.

-Oh, but Hacker...

-Go! Leave!

Get out of it!

What's he like, eh?

You're watching Hacker Time.

Run the howlers, please, Derek.

-That's the wrong way, Dodge.

-Yeah...oh...

And that's goats milk.

LAUGHTER

Ow!

-Oof!

-Oh!

Ow!

Bit by a horse! He bit my hand!

Have you got one of the little things you put in your trolley

to save using a pound?

Cos I've got one of them going, if you want that as well.

Never mind.

-BEEP

-Beep.

-BEEP

-Beep.

Went well.

Ha-ha, what a lot of mishaps.

More howlers later...

HONKING

Oh! They're here, Hacker.

Today's guests!

Oh, good.

I've got a dead good double act coming in today.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Hey up, Joely. Have you seen this?

Oh, toilets this way. I could do with, you know...

No, no, not that. This.

"Britain's best double act needed."

Who are they?

I can't remember.

Oh no, no, it's us. It's us.

Come on, it's us.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's very special guests,

JK and Joel!

Woo-hoo!

-Oh!

-Hey!

-Thank you!

-Thank you!

JK and Joel, what are you doing here?

We saw the sign and followed it.

What, "Toilets this way"?

No, the other sign. "Britain's best double act needed."

That's a coincidence. I'm trying to trick Britain's best double act

into coming on my show.

Hey, well, look no further.

-Why, who's here?

-Hey.

-Hey.

You cheeky, scruffy mutt.

We are Britain's best double act.

We've done shows like Remote Control Star, Hider In The House,

Escape From Scorpion Island, and we have 10 metre swimming badges.

Oh, that's good, ain't it?

-Come this way.

-Come on.

-But before I let you be guests on my show,

can I check you definitely didn't see Sam and Mark, or Dick and Dom

-milling around outside, looking available?

-Watch it.

-Aw.

-Yeah, we're here to stay.

We are the best double act in town. What's first? What happens?

Are you going to show your viewers

a nice little fact file of what we've done,

like our successes and achievements?

Ah, no, I didn't prepare one.

I was kind of holding out that Paul and Barry Chuckle might drop in.

Cheeky. But don't worry about that, Hacker,

cos JK always carries around a handy fact file on DVD, just in case.

Oh, yeah. Where do you want it?

Over there.

Hey. Play that, Derek.

JK and Joel are great big TV and radio megastars.

They have presented on loads of radio stations,

including BBC Radio 1,

and have won tons of awards, because they're brilliant.

And did we mention that they are fantastic on the telly, too?

Having hosted several of CBBC's best shows, including Hider In The House

and Remote Control Star. You're lucky to have them here today.

It's JK and Joel!

So, you two have been a double act for ages and that, haven't you?

Yeah, 15 years, but obviously we started when we were really young.

Yeah, you two are great and that,

but you're a bit too silly for my liking.

I am sensible! And I want telly to be more sensible too.

Look at this. Pull that lever.

-This one here?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

Today, I'm going to make TV more sensibler,

in a few serious steps.

Step one!

Now, in order to make TV more sensible,

top-notch presenting talent like myself have to talk sensible.

And to do that, I have to be more thoughtful.

'That's right. Well said, Hacker. I can be thoughtful and that.

'Are butterflies ticklish?

'I wonder who is hairier, Barney Howard or Dodger?

'It's weird that I'm cuter when I smile and tilt my head to the right,

'rather than when I tilt it to the left.

'Am I quick enough to catch my tail with my mouth?'

Step two!

Hmm, note to self - need to get a longer tail.

Anyway, step two in my mission to make TV more sensibler

is to dress more sensibler.

Just look at me and my little shirt and tie.

Ain't I smart?

It is a bit restrictive, though.

But...

I could be prime minister dressed like this.

But it's not me, and it's itching.

I can't live a lie! Get off me!

I still look lovely in my little pink dress.

Step three!

Right, so I look sensible.

Now it's time to talk sensible and that,

and act sensible!

Watch me do it. Ahem.

I say, isn't the weather splendiferous this fine day?

I sincerely hope the opportunity has arisen

to whence I may have a parlance

with an equally intellectualised canine such as myself. And...

A balloon! I like balloons!

Hey, look, a little fun balloon!

Come here, you.

I'm going to play with this balloon.

Oh. Mum! Mum!

I'm being whisked away by a balloon again!

Yes, very sensible, Hacker.

Pipe down, JK or Joel!

-I'm not talking to you.

-Why not?

I've just remembered the time you wronged me

when you were filming Remote Control Star.

Hang on. You weren't even there

-when we filmed Remote Control Star.

-Yes, I was!

With my brand-new pet fish. Look!

Hang on. We're in the right place, look. "The natural pedicure."

-Hang on. There's a picture of feet and fish.

-So?

-I don't like fish.

Oh, I love my new fishies!

I'm very happy with them.

That's Dom there, and that's Jerry.

Oh look, there's Jamie.

I've not got time to name them all now,

I have a few bits of shopping to carry on with,

so I'll leave you lot here for now.

They'll be fine, won't they?

And you, don't do any more of that stuff, Geoffrey.

I've told you before.

Come on, then, it can't be that bad.

I don't know if I can do this.

-I really don't like fish!

-Well, look. Just hovering.

DRUMROLL

Come on.

Three two one, go!

What the budgies?

What on earth are you doing

with your stinking feet in my new fish tank?

Don't like it, don't like it.

You do, you do like it.

-I don't, I don't like it.

-Don't like it? Then don't do it, mate.

I'm sure my fish aren't so keen.

You're a disgrace.

No, no, no, that's it. I can't do it, I can't do it.

-What have you to say for yourself, JK?

-I've got really smooth feet.

Really smooth.

Well, I'm going to have to move on, but I've still not forgiven you.

I can still smell your feet in my fish tank.

I want to learn about being in a double act,

so I'm going to ask you some proper questions, like real TV presenters

-like Helen Skelton do, is that all right?

-Yeah, OK.

Question one. When?

When what?

-Exactly. Hey, Joel, come over here.

-What do you want?

-Come here.

-Round there?

-Come on.

-OK.

-Get nice and close.

-Close?

-Right.

-So, question two.

-OK.

Do you ever wish you hadn't bothered teaming up with him,

and had gone it alone instead?

-Yeah.

-All right, you can go back to your seat now.

-Don't tell JK.

-I won't tell him.

-What was that?

-Nothing.

-Hey, JK! Come over here!

-All right, then.

-Come on,

get around here. Ssh. Don't let him notice.

Don't you think that JK's feet really smell?

I'm JK.

Ah...whoops. You can go back now!

Right, another question.

What was the first thing you... Excuse me.

What was the first... Oh, not again.

What was that first...

WILL YOU STOP IT!

Hacker, you're a disgrace. Ask them how to be a comedy double act.

Oh, that's easy, follow my lead.

I say, I say, I say,

what looks like two fleas and is about to get hit by a giant paw?

I do not know.

-Us!

-Oh!

-Yoink!

Ooh, that's got it. Woof, ha-ha.

Now what was I on about? Erm, was...

Have you watched your... No, not a clue.

Well, I can't imagine you giving a very interesting answer anyway, eh?

Hey?

Shall we watch some more double acts being stupid?

-Yes, sounds good.

-All right then,

make yourself useful and flick that switch!

-Not that one! That one.

-Oh.

BEEP

Beep. You all right?

-Yeah.

-What have you got there, then?

Eggs.

Oh, have you checked your eggs?

Last week I had a lady in, right, who didn't check her eggs,

and when she got home, she had eggs all over her luxury European cereal.

I said to her the next day,

"Ooh!

-"Should have checked your eggs, love."

-All right!

-I'll check my eggs.

-Go on.

They all right?

Look closer.

I've got a cracked egg.

MUSIC: "Bad Boys" by Alexandra Burke

# The bad boys

# Are always catching my eye

# Ooh-way, ooh-wah

# I said the bad boys

# Are always spinning my mind

# Ooh-way, ooh-wah

# Even though I know they're no good for me

# It's the risk I take for the chemistry

# With the bad boys always catching my eye

# Ooh-way, ooh-way, ooh-wah... #

Stop it!

Two people are sometimes funnier than just one person.

Now, Joel, do you really like JK in real life?

Yeah, of course, cos we've been best mates for 15 years. Like that.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I thought it was all a clever act. I'm going to quiz you

on being friends, and see if you're telling the truth.

-Are you ready?

-We're ready.

-Yeah.

Spotlight, please, Herman.

-Oof.

-Ow! Ouch!

Go! Joel, what size feet does the other one have?

-Six.

-Is that right?

-No, seven-and-a-half.

-Ha! JK, what is Joel's middle name?

-Dominic.

-Is that right?

-He's right.

-Joel!

What design does JK have on his duvet?

He has, erm, flowers.

Is that right?

-How do you know?

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-HOOTER

-Stop!

You two are good,

but I'm going to see if there's betterer mates out there.

I'm off to talk to some real people and that. See you!

And don't break anything!

-We won't.

-I'll be keeping my eye on you.

Thank you.

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Hello.

I'm going to ask some questions about your friend.

Cos when you're best friends, you're like a double act, aren't you?

I'll ask you first.

What size feet does your friend have?

Um, size 4.

-Four? Is that right?

-Yeah.

-Hurray!

What is the silliest thing your friend's ever done?

Flushed her sister's sock down the toilet.

Flushed it down the toilet? A sock?

That's the right answer! Hurrah!

What is your friend's pet's name?

Hmm...he doesn't have one.

-Do you not have a pet?

-I do!

-You do?

He has got a pet!

You're not a proper double act. You didn't even know that.

What is your friend's worst habit?

-She bites her nails.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-You're right. Let's have a look. Hold them up.

They look all right. They're not so bad, them.

What design does your friend have on her duvet?

It's plain white.

-Plain white, is that right?

-Yeah.

Plain white, hurray! It's the right answer.

What design is on your friend's duvet?

-Pink polka dots.

-Is that true?

-Yes.

-Pink polka dots. I'm amazed!

What does your friend have in his pocket right now?

Er...a dice.

-Right, is that true?

-Yeah.

Let's have a look, then.

I want to see evidence of said dice. He's got a dice in his pocket!

You two are truly great friends.

What size feet does your friend have?

Six and a half.

Six and a half, is that true?

-Yes.

-Hurray! That's the correct answer!

What is your friend's middle name?

Hmm...David.

David, is that true?

And what is your friend's middle name?

John Joseph.

Correct? They are both correct.

They have got all those right.

-Bob's your uncle, they are best friends, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Hurrah!

In this group, we've found some great double-acts

who know lots about each other,

like their shoe sizes, some of them have the same bad habits,

and they all go through each other's pockets.

That's great but weird.

Thank you for all your help, folks. See you later.

-ALL:

-Bye.

Thank you.

JK and Joel are back.

Oh, look at that button.

That looks like it would benefit from a little cheeky pushing.

Oh, the sign says, don't push it.

I can't see what harm it would do if I gave it a little push.

Covered in muck! Haha!

Classic button behaviour.

Hacker, this tea is disgusting.

-It's awful. It's like slime.

-Slime?

-Gunk.

-Gunk?

It wasn't me. I didn't press anything. Don't take me away.

-Hacker, what are you on about?

-The button...!

-What?

-Er...nothing.

-Forget I said anything.

-Forget what?

-Nothing!

It's time for the menu thing, now. Let us never talk of this again.

-Derek, press that button thing.

-Sorry, Hacker. Here we go.

Still to come today, this,

this...

..and this...hang on, who's he?

He's not on it. Quick, Derek, grab some more howlers.

Oh, look. Oh, no!

Ferrets on her legs!

Ferrets...I like ferrets.

Oh, look at that man! Be careful. Oh, no.

Oh, no. He's got a bit of something on him.

Chase him!

Mind your face. Mind you face!

What a pain! I meant the glass. Oh, no.

He fell down. Chase your tail, little cat.

Where have you 'bin'? Bin, you see? A little joke there.

# The tree fell down and damaged his wall. #

Oh, no, don't fall!

He bumped his head!

See-saw. See...Oh!

Moisture again.

What's going to happen?

Be careful. Not the suitcases. No!

Be careful. Oh, look!

Haha! He landed on him.

Comedy just ensued.

JK and Joel, you have impressed me with your comedy double-act ways.

If I do say so myself, we are rather professional.

-It's into that camera, there.

-Oh, yeah.

You've made me realise that if you're in a double-act,

you only do half the work. Sounds ideal! Will you show me the secret?

-No, no, no.

-We're not sharing what we've got.

-I'll give you both a biscuit.

-BOTH:

-Done.

You are about to learn the tricks of the trade from JK and Joel here.

The first rule is being able to tell

what each other is thinking all the time.

-Sometimes we find ourselves finishing each other's...

-Sandwiches!

-Sentences.

-That and all.

Next up, listening. Listening is very important.

-You should always be listening to each other.

-Next up is listening.

Listening is very important. You should always be listening.

-I just said that.

-Sorry, I wasn't listening.

-Brilliant.

Next up, trust. Trust is very important in a double-act.

I can guarantee that Joel will always be there for me.

If I was to fall back now, I know Joel would be there to catch me.

Because JK trusts me.

-Joel, come over here.

-What?

-Do you want one of these lovely sweeties?

-Have you got yellow ones?

-Yeah.

-I absolutely love them.

-Ouch! Joel, what are you doing?

-BOTH: Oh, budgies!

My back. What did you do that for?

Hacker gave me a sweet so I obviously couldn't pick you up.

Don't give me that. We're a double-act.

Calm down, boys. Calm down.

You're both funny and that. Sit down.

Sometimes, I'm in a double-act with my half-brother, Dodger.

In fact, we recently filmed a period drama thing set in the old world.

It's called Downstairs Abbey. It will cheer you right up.

Dear, diary. I am in love.

I think that Lord Percy is well good and that,

even though I am but a lowly maid.

And I wish that we could be married.

Hey! You can't be in love with Lord Percy, too.

BELL RINGS Oh, Lord Percy.

-I'll go, I'll go.

-I'll go.

Ah, girls, There you are. Terrible news. There's a thief in town.

This mustn't ruin in my afternoon with the beautiful Lady Sarah.

-Isn't she perfection?

-Nah.

-I'm not too keen myself.

How dare you?! Be off with you and make sure this house is clean.

-Hackerella, what are we going to do?

-Don't worry for I have a plan.

-Urgh! No, I meant the plan to get rid of Lady Sarah!

-Oh, yeah.

May I present Lady Sarah?

Lady Sarah, it is my honour to welcome you to my home.

And it is my pleasure to be invited.

Lord Percy, do excuse me.

-May I just powder up my nose?

-BREAKS WIND

Of course. Dodgina, could you assist Lady Sarah

in finding somewhere she can powder her nose?

You want to go lav, love? This way.

-She is a fine lady, isn't she?

-BREAKS WIND

So elegant, of noble descent and disposition.

Lord Percy, look!

My family silver! This can only mean one thing.

-It means...actually, what does it mean?

-Lady Sarah is a thief.

Yes, you're right. She is a swindler. A trickster!

-Thief!

-But, Lord Percy...

-Get out of my home!

0h, fortune, what hand have you dealt me?

By one true love a thief.

Why can't I find an honest woman? Hackerella, someone like you.

In fact, Hackerella, I think...

Yes, Lord Percy?

I think...it smells like Lady Sarah has blocked the toilet.

-Could you sort it out?

-Budgies!

Ain't Downstairs Abbey good, eh? Have you two made up now?

Yeah, we're best buds again, because nothing can come between me and JK.

Oi! That's my biscuit!

Hacker, we've had a great day on your show

but there's something we want to ask you.

-Would you like to be in our double-act?

-A triple-act!

-A triple-act?

-Imagine it! JK, Joel and Hacker.

No, no. Imagine this. Joel, JK and Hacker.

-Or Hacker, JK and Joel.

-No, imagine Joel, Hacker and JK.

Enough, boys! I've got some news to break to you.

I've enjoyed having you here, but I'm tired of your double act ways.

I need to work alone from now on. I don't want to share the limelight!

-I'm good enough on my own!

-Charming(!)

We didn't want to work with you anyway.

I've got a present to thank you for coming in.

-Is it a brand new games console?

-Is it a Ferrari?

No. It's a dog bowl!

ANNOUNCER: The Hacker Time dog bowl is the latest in doggy chic.

It can store food, store water, store...

well, mainly just food and water really.

-Bye. The door's over there.

-A dog bowl? Brilliant(!)

-Call us, yeah?

-I'll e-mail you about next Friday.

-I'm not available.

-Tuesday?

-I'm washing my hair.

-See you!

-Mind your head.

Haha! What a pair of buffoons!

Although they have given me an idea for this week's countdown.

It's time for Hacker's Top Five Silly Howlers.

At five, it's belly face.

What a nonsense that is. Nice lipstick, though.

At four, a dog who can play the piano.

I'm not the only one, then.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Nice suit as well, that.

In at three, if you like silly stuff, you'll love this.

Watch where you're sitting, young man!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

He fell in the basket! What a LOL.

In at two, these blokes do something amazing with a hat. Look.

MUSIC

-Ain't they good?

-What a useless skill to have.

But what will be at number one? Here's what.

My favourite silly howler today is a right old LOL.

It's got a baby monkey in it and a pig.

Put them both together and you get this.

# Baby monkey Baby monkey

# Riding on a pig, baby monkey

# Baby monkey Baby monkey

# Going backwards on a pig Baby monkey. #

It went backwards on the pig and everything! What are they like?

Well, that's all from Hacker Time today. Wasn't it good?

Thanks to JK and Joel for doing whatever it is they do.

I'll be back another day but, for now,

I'm going to sing because I'm a dead good singer and that.

# That's it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav That's where I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# We've had a LOL or two Watching some clips

# I laughed so hard That I nearly was sick

# I'll show you more funny stuff When I'm next on

# Who needs other telly shows Mine's the best one!

# JK and Joel came in today

# And we did lots of silly stuff

# We had some fun, We watched some things.

# But I kicked 'em out Well, enough's enough

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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