Pollyanna Woodward Hacker Time


Pollyanna Woodward

Hacker T Dog has managed to get his own TV programme! Hacker shares his unique take on gadgets, and tricks Pollyanna Woodward into the studio.


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Transcript


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Are you going to watch this?

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You've got to watch this!

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You've got to watch this!

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My, my, my programme hits you so hard

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makes me think, "Oh, my word!"

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Thank you for watching me.

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You know it feels good

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with out-takes, too. Comedy clips and antics too.

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Sit back, don't do too much, this is a show you can't touch.

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Thank you!

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Yoo-hoo! Over here! Hello! Sorry about that.

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I'm not doing a big introduction today.

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I've been working far too hard. I'm taking it nice and easy.

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I'll let my robotic invention pamper me instead.

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Hackertron 3000, where's my milky brew?

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Hackertron 3000 at your service. One milky brew coming up.

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Oh, what are you doing? It's gone all down me!

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Sorry, Mr Hacker. Hackertron will clean you up.

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I'm wet through, now. Looks like I've had a trouser accident!

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There, there, Mr Hacker. More, please, now.

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Get off me, Hackertron!

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Will you make it up to me and get me a nice cake?

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Yes, Mr Hacker.

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It's supposed to make my life easier. It's not having that effect!

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Have you got my nice yummy cake, Hackertron?

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Yes, Mr Hacker.

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I said cake! That's a...snake!

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Malfunction! Dog not compute!

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Coming up!

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This...

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..this...

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and this!

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-Derek, play some howlers!

-Malfunction!

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When you're ready, Steve.

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Come back!

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Whether it's vultures, hippos...

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I think not!

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Under its toes, which are zapping over me at a right old speed...

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He's got extra eyelashes

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and a sealable nose to protect him from the sand.

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What's your secret weapon?

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Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

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Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

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Find out how one high-flier from Barry

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is helping out other high-fliers from all over Wales.

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The tongue is very sticky at the end.

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I'm not having a lot of luck with this fellow!

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What a load of chaos and that.

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More hilarious howlers coming up later.

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Hacker, your guest is here! She's coming!

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Can I have my paper plane back, please?

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I don't think so, love.

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Brilliant. I'm getting Pollyanna off The Gadget Show on today!

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Not that she knows it yet!

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Ah, "Amazing new invention. Hoverboards this way."

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I love new inventions! Count me in!

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today's special guest,

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Gadget Guru, Pollyanna Woodward!

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What?! Special guest? I'm here for the hoverboards.

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-Hello, Pollyanna!

-Wow, look at that!

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-I'm pretty, ain't I?

-What? No, not you!

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I can't believe hoverboards actually exist!

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I invented it. Good, isn't it?

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-What, you invented this?

-Oh, yes.

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I didn't realise rats were so clever!

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Oi, I'm Hacker, and I'm a tiny little tiny dog.

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Sorry, Hacker. Can I have a go?

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I'm not sure. Humans are a bit big for it.

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It's only built for petite creatures like me.

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Come on, I'm light as a feather. It'll be absolutely fine, promise.

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Right, pop off, Hacker.

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Oops! My go.

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Woh! Wa-hey!

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Oh, wow!

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-Uh-oh!

-Look what you've done! You've damaged that.

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What do you think you're playing at? You've broken it right up!

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Sorry, Hacker. I think I was a bit too heavy!

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I told you that, Pollyanna Woodward!

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You have shamed me!

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Hacker, is there anything, anything I can do to make it up to you?

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Well, funny you mentioned that.

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-There is, yes, there is something.

-Uh-huh?

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You can be today's guest on my show. Lock the doors, Derek!

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Welcome to Hacker Time, Pollyanna. It's dead-drop fun.

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You'll love it on here. I've made you a fact file and everything.

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-Will you pull that lever?

-What, that one?

-Yes.

-OK.

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Pollyanna Woodward is a human.

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She presents The Gadget Show with a man who has a large foot.

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She often hangs around with a man with a big golden face. There he is!

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It's Pollyanna Woodward.

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What was that big face all about?

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I was at the Children's BAFTA awards. That's what the face was.

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Whatever. Pollyanna, do you have all the best gadgets that there are?

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I think I'm very up-to-date, yes.

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I say you're wrong. Big time!

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I have been making gadgets betterer. Look at this.

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Welcome to the Betterer Arena.

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Today I will make gadgets betterer

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in a few simple, downloadable stunts.

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Gadgets have stupid names. So I will change that.

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First up, this kettle.

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No-one has a mug of kettle. They have a mug of milky brew.

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I'd call it the milky brewer!

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Anyone for a bevvy? I'll pop kettle on.

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Sorry. I don't know what you mean. Do you mean the milky brew...

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Yeah, I'll have a cup of tea. Milky brew. More milk than tea.

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And this was a vacuum cleaner.

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Now it's the sucky-upper 5000, turbo edition.

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It does the same stuff, it just sounds more awesome.

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I'll just turn it on. See what happens.

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That's going to cost me! The coolest gadgets are as small as possible.

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Stereos are smaller. Phones are smaller.

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And now I, Hacker T. Dog give you the miniature DVD player.

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Manservant! Come here.

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There it is.

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Now, I invented this myself.

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It's right good. Manservant, insert the DVD disc, please.

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Get it in there.

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Put it in so I can watch it.

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Get it in! Put the disc in. I want to watch it! You'll enjoy it.

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You've damaged that!

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You buffoon! I want you gone, you clumsy moomie!

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Look at the state of this! It's beyond repair, that!

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A good gadget needs to serve more than one purpose.

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Camera/phone. MP3/phone. Video/phone.

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And now, people, the exercise phone.

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Ring my mum.

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-Mum, can you hear me?

-'Hacker, is that you?'

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-Yeah, it's me. Speak up, I can't hear you.

-'I can't hear you!'

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Mum, I'm speaking up. Listen.

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'You don't sound well. You should do some exercise.'

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-I don't think that exercise phone will take off.

-Course it will!

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Pollyanna, you're dead good on that Gadget Show programme.

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I like all them futuristic toys you play with.

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It's great when we get to test gadgets all the time. Brilliant.

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And you have well-good competitions, too.

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Every week, we give away loads of really cool prizes.

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Normally. But what were you thinking the other week?

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You gave away a few weird prizes then. Look at this!

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That is level one of a competition that will blow your socks off.

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Check your feet at the end of this list and you'll see what I mean.

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An old plastic bone.

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A bottle of detergent. A scratched CD.

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A rubber chicken. A biscuit.

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A clock stuck at half ten. A comedy duck.

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A wooden fork. Roll of tape. One of my mum's gloves. A coat-hanger.

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An old man's hat. A mug. A gnome of a lazy quality.

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An orange. A bit of paper and Bob's your uncle. A shopping trolley.

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A bog brush. Trumpet. And today's special prize,

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a bath of cornflakes.

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That's not from my show, Hacker.

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What moomie would want those prizes?

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Lovely prizes. Prizes... Prizes...

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Ooh, I've always wanted a bath of cornflakes!

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Good exfoliater.

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Prizes! Prizes!

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-Hacker!

-Ooh, where was I? Oh, yes. Pollyanna.

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I want to ask you some questions about gadgets and that.

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-Pay attention!

-OK.

-This is the serious interview bit

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-that proper presenters like Richard Hammond would do.

-OK.

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What is the best gadget?

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-Smartphone.

-Good answer.

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Who invented dogs, and in what year?

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-Mr Butter in 1802.

-Yes, he did.

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And what do you do when your pen runs out of ink?

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I can't find where to turn it off and on again.

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To be honest, what's a pen?

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It's a thing you keep pigs in, I think.

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What's your favourite... Oh, excuse me.

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What is your fav...

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What is your fav... Will you stop itching?!

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Oh, Hacker, ask Polly some better questions.

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Or I wish I had a gadget to fast-forward this.

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-Pause! Pause!

-No, that'll make it last longer!

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Not that pause, dog's paws! Yikes!

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Ah, that's got it.

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Now, where was I? Oh, I know. What is your, um...

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Oh, I've forgotten it. It's gone. I've disgraced myself, Pollyanna!

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Let's do something else instead.

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-We could watch some more howlers.

-Good idea! Press that button, Polly.

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-I can call you Polly, can't I?

-No.

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Would you know a good invention when you saw one? How about this?

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What a Charlie! Let's see some more invention nonsense.

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-Centrally-heated socks.

-Eh?

-Centrally-heated ski sticks.

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A ready-knotted tie with a zip along the loop.

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PLAYS NOTES

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At least play them in tune, love!

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This mountain bike is transformed into a two-seater

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by bolting on a conversion kit.

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Here we go! Get it in the pocket!

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No!

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Crikey! A heck of a back-hand!

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Sid, get this salad dressed.

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Come on, Sid, don't mess this up!

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Don't you... Oh, it's gone everywhere!

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Wasn't there a lot of gadgets playing up there!

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-That was great!

-Pollyanna, listen.

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All this talk of gadgets has got me wanting to know more stuff.

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I've got a few more questions for you to answer.

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-But don't worry. It's all very light-hearted.

-Great!

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-Herman, spotlight, please!

-Right, Hacker.

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Ooh!

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What gadget would you most like to invent, and why?

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A teleporter, because then I could get from one place to another

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instantly.

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-Draw it!

-Draw it? OK.

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-Draw it down.

-OK.

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-What noise would it make?

-Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

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Woo-woo-woo-woo honk, honk, honk!

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Honk, honk, wheee! Ting!

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-Right, time's up. Now, let's see your picture.

-OK.

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Oh, it's not bad at all, that!

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But I'm actually more interested in what real people think.

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Look what I got up to the other day.

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Thank you!

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Well, look who it is! TV superstar Hacker the Dog.

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I've come to some place where children do things

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to ask them some questions. They'll be excited to meet me, I imagine!

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I'll probably get mobbed and that.

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But such is life for a famous pooch!

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Deep breath, OK?

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Ha! Good one, guys! Come out.

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Come and say hello. Guys?

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-Hello!

-Hello!

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Listen, if you invented a gadget, what would it be? What would it do?

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It would be the chair of the future

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and it could fly and you could watch TV on it and have your computer.

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That is the most amazing thing I've ever heard

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in the world of chairs.

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It's called the Obey-o-bot 2000 and it obeys all your commands.

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-Is it like some sort of robot?

-Yeah.

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I'd invent a watch that shows movies.

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A watch that shows movies?

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That's a fantastic idea.

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Press a button and it turns the page,

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for people that read but hate turning the page.

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-Will you draw it so I can look at it?

-Yeah.

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Let's have a look. Commence the drawing.

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I'll be back shortly to peruse it using my eyes.

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-Hold it up.

-It's the cat groomer.

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-The brain speaker.

-The robot tidy room.

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-Is that you?

-No.

-Who is it?

-Sue Barker.

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Sue Barker? I like Sue Barker.

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What noise does it make?

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Miaow! Miaow! Miaow!

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Wheeeee!

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Nee-nah! Nee-nah!

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-Haaa!

-If it made this noise, what would be wrong with it?

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HOWLS

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What would that mean?

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It would be Hackertised!

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So these people have come up with some fabulous gadgets

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and lots of interesting drawings.

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But lots of very weird noises! See you all again! Bye-bye!

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Bye!

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Thank you.

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Didn't I look attractive in that bit?

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You looked like you'd been to the dog parlour.

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On the Gadget Show,

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you get to play with all the inventions before everyone else.

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-I do, and it's great fun.

-What I want to know is this.

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What is going to be the next big invention to change the world?

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There is going to be one thing that will change everything.

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-But it's a secret. Can't tell you.

-Go on, pretty please!

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If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anybody.

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I'm dead good at keeping secrets.

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I never told anyone about that boil that Ian's got on his bottom.

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Hello. Breaking news today.

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TV loser Ian Sterling has got a boil on his bum!

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OK, Hacker. I'll tell you, but you have to keep schtum.

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There have been a team of experts working on a brand-new technology

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that will absolutely revolutionise...

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Very interesting. Oh, look!

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A button. That button looks like it needs a good push.

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Because buttons were invented for pushing.

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It's a kind of gadget. I'll give it a little push.

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"Do not push". That is a miserable sign.

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I want to give that button a nice little push.

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I can't see what could possibly go wrong.

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ALARMS SOUND

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..as I talk to you at home. People are gasping. The lights are out.

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..the whole world of computer games is to change forever.

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-I hope they press on with building it.

-I didn't press anything!

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It wasn't me! I didn't break it!

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-Sorry?

-I didn't press it! Maybe an eagle swooped in and did it.

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-Or an annoyed pigeon. It wasn't me, though!

-What?!

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Er, oh, nothing.

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Not a thing. No.

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-Did you just mention a pigeon?

-Me? Nah.

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Anyway, moving on, I've got some good news for you, baby.

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-And what's that?

-The show's not over, yet.

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Derek, the menu!

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Yes, Hacker, here we go.

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Still to come today: this...

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this...

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and this. What?! Who are they?

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They're not on! Put something else on, Derek!

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Here's some more howlers.

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It may look like a piece of garden furniture,

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but that's a cunning disguise!

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All I do is lift and separate

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and hey presto! Just what you always wanted!

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Hang on, how did he get in there?

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What's this chap doing with them silly ear things on?

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Oh, you cheeky moomie!

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Feeling down? Carry these smiley specs round with you.

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Ever been tired at school and wanted a quick doze?

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Try using a pair of these.

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No-one will be nil the wiser, baby!

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Want to get fit?

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Well, don't use one of these! You'll look a right Charlie!

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Don't you hate it when you get given a little slice of cake?

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No need to worry with this piece of rubbish! Look!

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I wouldn't mind one of these, though!

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Ooh, it's the flying car.

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-They had me lolling out loud.

-They're funny, aren't they?

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But instead of showing you old dodgy inventions,

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I want to show you ones that really work.

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Because technology is wonderful.

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So I nipped out and grabbed this.

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This is the Dog-o-Matic.

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It's a brand-new machine that will pamper dogs to the max.

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This isn't even in the shops yet. It's a TV exclusive.

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Oooh!

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It'll wash, blow-dry and give you a relaxing massage.

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The height of luxury. Fancy giving it a go?

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Moi? Pollyanna, I have a high level of cleanliness already.

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I don't need to go in that thing.

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SNIFFS

0:18:500:18:52

On second thoughts, maybe I will give it a go.

0:18:520:18:55

I think that's wise.

0:18:550:18:57

OK, jump on in.

0:18:570:18:59

-Ready!

-OK. Let's see what we need to do.

0:18:590:19:03

First, you need to select a programme.

0:19:030:19:05

-Tracy Beaker.

-Not that kind of programme, a washing programme!

0:19:050:19:10

Option one is basic. A shampoo and blow-dry.

0:19:100:19:13

Option two is enhanced, so you get a massage with that one.

0:19:130:19:17

Or option three, the premium, a manicure and hot wax!

0:19:170:19:23

-Which one takes your fancy?

-Option four!

0:19:230:19:25

-Doesn't even say what that one does.

-Put it on. It'll be fun!

0:19:250:19:29

Are you sure? OK.

0:19:290:19:31

There we go. Option four it is.

0:19:310:19:34

You need some shampoo in there. I've got some right here.

0:19:340:19:37

OK. There we go.

0:19:370:19:39

Put some more in, Pollyanna.

0:19:390:19:41

A bit more, come on.

0:19:410:19:43

Come on, Woodward! Don't be shy of it! More!

0:19:430:19:48

For goodness' sake, just squeeze it all in. What's wrong with you?

0:19:480:19:52

-I want to get clean.

-Right. Let's get this thing started.

0:19:520:19:56

There's lather and everything, Poll!

0:20:030:20:05

Faster, Pollyanna!

0:20:050:20:07

-Faster? Are you sure?

-Yeah, turn it up!

-What, to C?

-Yeah, to C!

0:20:070:20:12

-But that's off the scale!

-Good!

0:20:120:20:15

Pollyanna!

0:20:170:20:19

-Huh?

-Can you make it stop now?

0:20:190:20:22

There's a bit of a problem, Hacks.

0:20:220:20:24

-I don't know how to turn it off!

-Oh, budgies!

0:20:240:20:28

Well, at least you're shampooed. Let's see your clean fur.

0:20:340:20:38

What is it? Do I look pretty?

0:20:430:20:45

-In a way.

-Show me a mirror, Pollyanna!

0:20:450:20:48

-I don't have one.

-I've seen it in your pocket!

0:20:480:20:51

OK. If you insist.

0:20:510:20:53

What have you done to me?!

0:20:540:20:57

I look like a big pink monster!

0:20:570:20:59

Worst of all, I'll clash with my favourite pink dress!

0:20:590:21:03

How did this happen?

0:21:030:21:04

I got the bottles mixed up. It's pink hair dye, not shampoo!

0:21:040:21:09

Derek, put a video on, quick!

0:21:090:21:11

I'm on it!

0:21:110:21:13

'I, Dodgina, am in love. And even though I'm just his lowly maid,

0:21:200:21:26

'I'm in love with my master.'

0:21:260:21:29

Lord Percy, I love you!

0:21:290:21:33

Hey, I was in love with him first

0:21:330:21:36

and I love him more! Look!

0:21:360:21:38

BELL RINGS

0:21:390:21:41

-Oh, Lord Percy, Lord Percy! I'll go.

-No, I'll go!

0:21:410:21:44

Ah, girls. There you are.

0:21:500:21:52

Today is an important day.

0:21:520:21:54

It is the birthday of Lady Sarah,

0:21:540:21:56

the most beautiful lady in the county.

0:21:560:21:59

Yuk.

0:21:590:22:01

If I'm to make her my wife, I need to impress her with a present.

0:22:010:22:05

Some flowery nick-nacks?

0:22:050:22:07

No, no, no. I need you to find out what Lady Sarah likes.

0:22:070:22:11

Yes.

0:22:110:22:13

What are you waiting for? Get going!

0:22:150:22:18

Dodgina, where are you going?

0:22:200:22:23

We have to find out what Lady Sarah likes.

0:22:230:22:25

No, we don't, Dodgina.

0:22:250:22:27

For I have a plan!

0:22:270:22:29

Look at the state of him!

0:22:290:22:31

You're absolutely sure this is what she likes?

0:22:370:22:40

She loves it.

0:22:400:22:42

Well, if that's what you found out.

0:22:420:22:45

A-hem! Lady Sarah!

0:22:450:22:48

Lady Sarah! Happy birthday.

0:22:520:22:55

Why, thank you, Lord Percy.

0:22:550:22:56

And I got you some presents.

0:22:560:22:58

To get your first, you just have to pull my finger.

0:22:580:23:03

If that is what you wish, Lord Percy.

0:23:030:23:06

FARTING NOISE

0:23:060:23:08

Oh, Lord Percy!

0:23:080:23:11

And now, let's wrestle!

0:23:110:23:13

Lord Percy, what are you doing?

0:23:280:23:30

Your two favourite things - trumping and wrestling.

0:23:300:23:34

I hate trumping and wrestling!

0:23:340:23:37

This is the worst birthday ever!

0:23:370:23:40

Never speak to me again!

0:23:400:23:42

But Lady Sarah!

0:23:420:23:44

That was a disaster!

0:23:450:23:48

And you are going to pay for it!

0:23:480:23:50

It's wrestle time!

0:23:500:23:53

The pooper-scooper!

0:23:540:23:56

-How do I look, Pollyanna?

-As good as new, back to your scruffy self.

0:24:010:24:05

-Move all that stuff away.

-OK.

0:24:050:24:07

That new pampering machine wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

0:24:070:24:11

Technology sometimes doesn't work how you expect. No-one's to blame.

0:24:110:24:15

Yes, you're to blame! You made me look like a right moomie, Pollyanna.

0:24:150:24:19

I've lost all credibility now as a fashion icon.

0:24:190:24:22

And you broke my hoverboard. You're lethal around gadgets.

0:24:220:24:26

-I don't know how you hold down your job!

-But...

-Get out. Off with you.

0:24:260:24:29

-I've had enough.

-OK.

-Go on!

0:24:290:24:33

Sorry, Hacker. See you.

0:24:330:24:34

-You can keep that pink stuff.

-I'll remember you.

0:24:340:24:37

-Bye.

-Mind your head.

-Bye.

0:24:370:24:41

What a nice woman.

0:24:430:24:45

Now that she's gone, I'll show you the best LOLs from around the world.

0:24:450:24:50

It's time for...

0:24:500:24:51

At number three, there's loads of amazing inventions,

0:24:560:25:00

but this definitely isn't one of them!

0:25:000:25:03

Cleaning your teeth is an essential chore.

0:25:030:25:05

But over-enthusiastic brushing can result in excessive foam build-up

0:25:050:25:10

on your bathroom mirror.

0:25:100:25:12

Here's the smart solution.

0:25:120:25:13

A Chindogu toothbrush splash-guard

0:25:130:25:16

with patented transparent dome

0:25:160:25:18

to protect your surroundings from toothpaste waste.

0:25:180:25:21

So don't be down with a frown.

0:25:210:25:24

Smile as you reflect on your spotless mirror

0:25:240:25:27

thanks to the toothbrush splash-guard from Chindogu.

0:25:270:25:30

In at two: computers are good and that,

0:25:350:25:37

but they can't do everything, can they?

0:25:370:25:40

I mean, imagine if they could fly!

0:25:400:25:44

The computer flew!

0:26:130:26:15

My mug can fly. Look.

0:26:150:26:17

Must be out of petrol.

0:26:200:26:22

My number one technology howler is this.

0:26:230:26:25

It may look like a man lying in bed,

0:26:250:26:28

but look what happens next.

0:26:280:26:31

ALARM RINGS

0:26:310:26:33

Oh, no! I'm late again!

0:26:330:26:36

What's he like, eh? Ooh, nice duvet, though. Very nice.

0:26:420:26:46

His bed was a car.

0:26:500:26:52

What a LOL!

0:26:520:26:54

Thanks for watching my show today.

0:26:550:26:57

It's been above par, I think you'll agree.

0:26:570:27:00

Wasn't Pollyanna good and that?

0:27:000:27:02

I've learned loads more about, um, whatever she was talking about.

0:27:020:27:07

I'll leave you today with me singing a song

0:27:070:27:10

cos I'm a right good singer.

0:27:100:27:12

See you!

0:27:120:27:13

-#

-That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:190:27:21

-#

-I need the lav now so I'm going to go

0:27:210:27:23

-#

-I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:230:27:26

-#

-Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:260:27:28

-#

-We've had a LOL or two, watching some clips

0:27:280:27:31

-#

-I laughed so hard I nearly was sick

0:27:310:27:33

-#

-I'll show you more funny stuff when I'm next on

0:27:330:27:35

-#

-Who needs other telly shows? Mine's the best one

0:27:350:27:38

-#

-I tried gadgets with a girl, Pollyanna from The Gadget Show

0:27:380:27:43

-#

-She tried to do stuff with my hair

0:27:430:27:45

-#

-But it went awry so she had to go

0:27:450:27:48

-#

-That is it for now, the end of the show

0:27:480:27:50

-#

-I need the lav now so I'm going to go

0:27:500:27:52

-#

-I'll see you next time on this show of mine

0:27:520:27:55

-#

-Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:550:27:57

-#

-Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

0:27:570:27:59

-#

-That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

-#

0:27:590:28:02

Hacker shares his unique take on the world's best gadgets, and tricks Pollyanna Woodward from the Gadget Show into the studio to stay with his wacky new invention. Featuring comedy guests and outtakes from other programmes, plus a return trip to Downstairs Abbey.


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