Dick and Dom Hacker Time
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Transcript
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# You gotta watch this... # | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
# ..You gotta watch this | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
# You gotta watch this | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
# Makes me say Oh, my word! | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
# Thank you for watching me It's telly | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
# But not what you normally see | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
# It feels good And there's out-takes, too | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
# Comedy, guests and clips It's true | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
# Ha! You can't touch | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
# Stop! Hacker time! # | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Thank you. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:32 | |
In 20... 19... | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
Lolly! Something strange has happened to Mr Hacker! | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
What is it? Has he bothered that pelican again? | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
Or shown up another otter? | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
Worse than that! Mr Hacker is being... | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
SERIOUS! | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
Serious?! Oh, no! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
What are we going to do, Lolly?! | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
We've not got time! | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
We're starting in 3...2...1... | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
-On air! -Here we go! -Good day to you. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
I am Hacker T Dog, and you are watching Hacker Time. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
Today's show is going to be a bit different from the normal rubbish. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:09 | |
There'll be no low-quality jokes about meat or trouser sounds. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:13 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
Derek! Will you stop it?! Please! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
Ahem. Today, viewers, Hacker Time is turning serious. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
Firstly, I will present an informative lecture | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
about foodstuffs. Namely, the cream pie. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:29 | |
I shall make my way over to said pie, | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
but not before carelessly discarding | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
this slippery banana skin onto the floor. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
-SPLAT! -Perfect. That's better! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Here we go now, to the pie! | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
-Whoaah!! -Careful, Mr Hacker! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
You're heading straight for my badly parked electric scooter! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:49 | |
-Oh, no! Oh, no! -Ooh! | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
Way-whoa-way-oh! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
-SPLAT! -Oh, bodges! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
Well, at least the door didn't fall off its hinges. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
-CRREEEAK! -Oh! Ooh! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
I don't know why I bother trying to be serious! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
Let's just do the usual Hacker Time nonsense! | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
Derek, the menu! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
Gah! Oh...it's pretty good, this. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
Today's show is going to be flipping loud! | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
BOOOGEEEEYYYS!! | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Flipping brilliant! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
And flipping disgusting! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Eurgh! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:30 | |
Pah! Pah! Well, that was a total disaster! | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
And that door needs putting back on. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
I was going to have a serious journalist joining me | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
to talk about politics and other clever stuff. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
But since it's all got out of hand...Herman! Wilf! | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
Get me someone who talks utter nonsense! | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
Yes, Mr Hacker! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
We're on our way! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
MUSIC: Theme from Mission:Impossible | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
-CRASH! -Whoa! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Stay there, guys! Off you go, Wilf! | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
DOM: Oi! Where we going?! | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Off we go! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
DOM: I want me mammy! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
I'll just reverse it... | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Please welcome today's guests. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
From the double act, Dick and Dom, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
-it's Dick and Dom! -CHEERING | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
What's going on?! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
You're my guests today on Hacker Time! | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
Hacker Time? I love that show! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
-Really?! -Hang on...no, I'm thinking about Newsnight. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:33 | |
I get confused! Your show's the pointless waste of time? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
Oh, thank you very much! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
-Oh... -It could be worse. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
-Chris Johnson could be here. -Exactly. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
ALL: Yonko! | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
So, in case you're lucky enough never to have seen | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
these two on telly before, | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
this is all you need to know about Dick and Dom. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
Pull the red lever, cocker! | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
No, not you! The other one! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Ooh, I like you! | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
Dick and Dom are that double act that aren't Ant and Dec. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:02 | |
They were birthed by Chris Moyles off Radio 1, | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
in Dunstable in the mid-1960s. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
They're famous for being highbrow and serious. Look! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
"I have something highbrow and important to say to you. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
-"What's that?" -PFFRRT! | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Before they were a double act, Dom was a magician, | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
but he can't be good. He hasn't made Dick disappear. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
Ha! Their lack of ability at doing anything useful | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
led them to become versatile presenters. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
They can get covered in gunge, | 0:04:28 | 0:04:29 | |
get covered in gunge, and get covered in gunge. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Come on, boys, get a proper job! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
At least they've always remained at the cutting edge of fashion. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
-WOMAN SQUEALS -Oh, no! Eh?! What on earth...?! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Some people think Dick and Dom are badly behaved, | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
but I don't know what they're on about. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
Here to explain themselves are Dick and t'other one. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
No, no! I'm sorry, Hacker, | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
but there was lots of factual inaccuracies during that! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
-I know! -Oh, ha(!) | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
I am now going to do an interview, | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
like proper presenters like Sam and Mark would do. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
-Are you ready? -Yes. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Question one. You two are silly. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
Can you give any tips for any of the viewers at home | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
who want to waste their lives and be like you? | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
Hmmm...here's a good one. If your name's Steven, Susan... | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
-Mandy? -Mandy, Peter... | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
-Graham? -..whatever it is! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:22 | |
-Change your name to Dick! -TRUMPETS SOUND | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
Ooh, lovely advice! | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
You star in Diddy Movies, | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
-where you have funny little comedy bodies on. -Yes. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:32 | |
Dick, do they have to shrink you down using computers | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
so you're the same size as Dom? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
-Oi! -Ha-ha! -Leave it! | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
They did shrink us down with computers. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
But giving you a bit of technical information, | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
-we were twice as big... -THEY YAWN AND SNORE | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
Everyone's going to sleep. Forget it. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
-Very interesting, mate! -What a dull man! | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
THEY GIGGLE | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
Dom, You remind me a little bit of Barry Chuckle. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Except you've got a more wrinkly face. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Would you like to be as good as the Chuckle Brothers? | 0:06:01 | 0:06:05 | |
-Not really! -Good point, yeah. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:06 | |
I am an talented character and can create high-quality trouser sounds. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:11 | |
Behold! | 0:06:11 | 0:06:12 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
Can you match that? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
-PFFRRT! -Eurgh! | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
I thought that had elegance. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
It had subtle undertones and beauty. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
It wasn't bad. But can you do better, cocker? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
All right, here we go! Are you ready? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
-That was impressive! -One for sorrow, two for joy. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
That was joy! | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
I've got a crazy idea, but it might work. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
Get ready to join in with this. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Hit it, maestro! | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Me first. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:45 | |
MUSIC: The Blue Danube Waltz by Strauss | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Wait... | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
My turn! | 0:06:59 | 0:07:00 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
Wait, hang on! | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! ! | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Big finish! | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
-PFFRRT! -Oh, dear! | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! PFFRRT! | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
-TOILET FLUSHES -Did you like that? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
-I'm going to check that last one in a minute. -What? Oh, no. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:28 | |
Who says television's dumbing down! | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
Now then, boys, it's nice to have you here today. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
I've not seen you since we were at college together. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
We weren't at college together. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
Richard or Dominic! How could you forget? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
I certainly remember! | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
You two played havoc in the library. Look! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
# Dick and Dom in da bungalow! # | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
(COMMENTATOR) Welcome to the Mitchell Library in Glasgow. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
And Wood starts with an almost inaudible "bogeys". | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
-Bogeys. -Oh, I've not, have I? | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
And who's this student here? | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
Unusual-looking fellow there. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
-But Wood, preparing to go again. -Bog-eys! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
They're so pesky, aren't they? | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
-Nothing a quick pick won't cure. -What is this cat doing? | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
It's made them walk away in disgust. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
-McCourt, barely holding himself together. -Bogeys! | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
Ugh! It's not my fault! I've had a cold! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
This simple chap...struggling to know how to respond to the bogey call. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:31 | |
BOGEYS! | 0:08:32 | 0:08:33 | |
-Strong, from Wood! -Leave me alone! I've got a cold! | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
It's not my fault my nasal passage is everywhere! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
-Stop picking on me! -SHHHHH! | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
-Ooh! I've never been so... -Filthy animal! Off he goes. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
Just what IS his problem?! | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
-Ha-ha-ha! -That's very, very wrong, Hacker! | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
You butchered TV history there! You chimpanzee! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Oh, you couple of mooeys! You're always in there, ruining my day! | 0:08:55 | 0:09:00 | |
So which one of you is the best bogey-er? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
BOTH: He is! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Let me hear some proof of said bogey. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
-Ready? -Yeah. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
BOOOOOGGEEEEEEEEEEEYYY!! | 0:09:11 | 0:09:17 | |
-What was that? -Oh! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Well done, Dick or Dom. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Anyway, boys. I'm not the only one who wants to ask you a question. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
There are some loyal fans who'd like to talk to you. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Let's go to the phones! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Grip your handsets and elevate your antennae! | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
Hello? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Oh, hello there, yes. Could I have a number 7, | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
a number 43, a number 31, | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
and a portion of egg fried rice, please? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
Don't you have a question for Dick and Dom? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Dick and Dom? Who are they? The chefs?! | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
Ask them if I can have extra chillies in my Kung Po Chicken. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:56 | |
I'll be there to collect it in 30 minutes. Good day to you! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
What the bodgers was that all about?! | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Sorry about this, boys. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
What a load of old hoopla! | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
What's the next bit, Derek? | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
The next bit is me! It's Derek Time! Hoo-hoo! | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
Oh, no it isn't! | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
You're not soiling my show with that nonsense! | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
Too late, Mr Hacker! | 0:10:16 | 0:10:17 | |
I've had it written into me contract, and you've signed it! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:21 | |
When did I do that? | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
When I told you it was an order for 11 kilos of super-lean mince. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:28 | |
Ohhh, no!! Foiled by my insatiable love of mince! | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
All right, then! | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Do your show, but make it quick. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
And I still want my mince! | 0:10:36 | 0:10:37 | |
OK, then! Hoo-hoo! | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
Here we go, everyone! | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
KEYBOARD TUNE | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time! | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
Hee-hee! | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Hello again, Derek McGee fans! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
It's time for some real highbrow entertainment. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
On today's DT, we haven't got time to show you a trumping cat. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
Or a cat that trumps. PFFFRRT! | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
But we have got time to show you today's top clip. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
I wonder what could happen here... | 0:11:04 | 0:11:07 | |
Ooh. Nothing. This is disappointing, isn't it? | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
BEHIND CAMERA: Do something, cat! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:16 | |
PFFFRRT! Hoo-hoo! Let's watch it again! | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
Hoo-hoo-hoo!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!! Hoo-hoo! | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
PFFFRRTT! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee! | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
PFFRRTT! Ho-ho-ho-oh... | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
PFFRRT! Oh... I think I've done meself a mischief! | 0:11:29 | 0:11:34 | |
Back to you, Hacker. KEYBOARD TUNE | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
Have you got a moist towel? | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
What's he like, Herman?! What a waste of space...oh! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
That reminds me! It's my song! Quick, guys! Get in! Hoo-hoo! | 0:11:43 | 0:11:48 | |
# One of them's big The other is small | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
# But they're still the greatest buddies of all | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
# One's from the North the other the South | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
# These two know what being mates is about | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
# One consumes meat the other one don't | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
# But that won't rock the boat | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
# Though I must admit I still don't know which | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
# Is Dom and which one is Dick, hey! | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
# One can do magic t'other one can't | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
# But argumentative they certainly aren't | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
# One's got a brother the other's got three | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
# But it doesn't bother them believe me | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
# One's written books the other one ain't | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
# I find the both of them quaint | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
# They might be united but the problem's not gone | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
# Which one's Dick and which one is Dom? | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
# They work together an awful lot | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
# On shows like Go Wild and Splatalot | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
# They've even won BAFTAs I have not | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
# Don't know why I'm clearly much better | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
# One is called Dom or Dominic | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
# The other is Richard, often Dick | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
# But that problem that I cannot shift | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
# I don't know which one's which | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
# One of them's big the other is small | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
# But they're still the greatest buddies of all | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
# One's from the North the other the South | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
# These two know what being mates is about | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
# One consumes meat the other one don't | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
# But that won't rock the boat | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
# They are both different why do I get it wrong | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
# When I'm wondering if he's Dick or Dom | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
# I've highlighted the differences so why can't I pick | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
# Who's Richard and who's Dominic? # | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Thank you! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
-Let's go for some meat paste! -I love a bit of meat paste! | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
-I don't eat meat! -Just have the paste, then! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:29 | |
Right! That is enough of this nonsense! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
I'm writing a letter of complaint. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
Benjamin, retrieve the stationery! I want you take this down. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
Sure thing, Frank! | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Ahem! "Dear The BBC, | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
"I'm disgusted by this episode of Hacker Time. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
"I've said it before, I'll say it again, | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
"there is NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT TRUMPING!" | 0:13:46 | 0:13:50 | |
Read all of that back. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
"Dear the BBC, I am disgusting..." | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
No, no, no, no! It's "I am disgustED." | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
But, Frank, I AM disgusting. Listen! | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
PFFRRT! | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
Ha! It's funny, cos it smells of ham. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
BENJAMIN!!!! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
You're watching Hacker Time, my dead good show. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Dick and Dom are my guests today and they're having a lovely time! | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
Yeah, is that my agent? Oh, hi, Holly. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
I DEMAND you get us off this programme NOW! | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
This is the worst experience, Mum, that I've ever had! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
Don't go anywhere! All this is still to come, cockers! | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
This man has a splash. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
Sherlock goes off with a bang... | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Ooh! Ohh... | 0:14:37 | 0:14:38 | |
And Dom gets a wallop! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
CLANG! CLANG! | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Keep it Hacker Time, folks! Hoo-hoo! | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
-Looks good, don't it boys! -Errr... -Umm...brilliant! | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
Yeah, it is. And the next bit is going to be PARTICULARLY good. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:54 | |
Is that because you want me to talk you through how I became | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
a successful and reasonably well-known TV presenter? | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Or maybe you'd like me to amaze you with my magic skills? | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
-Ah-ah-ahhhh! -Nah. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
It's because you aren't in the next bit! | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
I'm off to see some real people | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
who are much more sensible and interesting than you pair. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
It's time to get serious! Good day to you! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:20 | |
-You all right, everybody? -ALL: Hi, Hacker! | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
I need a break from those two jokers, Dick and Dom. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Do you think you could show me how to be serious? | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
ALL: Yes! | 0:15:47 | 0:15:48 | |
Good! Good! | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
Your challenge is to look into the depths of my face without laughing. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:56 | |
-Are you ready? -Yeah. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
-Ready then...here we go! -KLAXON SOUNDS | 0:15:58 | 0:16:03 | |
MEOOOW! | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
Will you...will you marry me? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:09 | |
MEOOOW! | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
I am a maiden! Stare into my eyes | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
while I dance for you! La-la-la! | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
THEY GIGGLE | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
La-la-la-la-la! | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
Blu-blu-blu! Pew-pew! | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
Ehhh! Ehhh-ehhh-ehhh-ehhh! | 0:16:27 | 0:16:31 | |
Nothing. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
-KLAXON SOUNDS -Go! | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
SHE GIGGLES | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
Result! You're rubbish! | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
Ha-ha! Oh, I've lost me hairpiece! | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
So what have we learned today? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Number one, being serious looks like this. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
Number two, being silly looks like this. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
And number three, cheese is made from cheese. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
It is, isn't it? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:55 | |
It's like hard milk! Cheese is cheese! | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
Right, cockers, that's me done for today. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Oh, I'd better get back to the studio. Good day to ye! | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
ALL: Bye, Hacker! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Yeah. I hope Dick and Dom aren't being too silly in my absence. Ooh! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:13 | |
-CLOCK TICKS -Aww! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
All right, you two! Stop all this chaos! | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
We've got a show to be getting on wi...on with. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
-Hello, Hacker. -What the bodgers are you doing?! | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
You're supposed to be doing some zany, ridiculous antics, | 0:17:31 | 0:17:35 | |
and I'm going to come back and get all furious! | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
That's what happens in this part of the show! | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
We're having a game of chess. Keeping ourselves to ourselves. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:44 | |
It's what we do when we're not working. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
Oh, right...er, OK. Bit weird, that. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Well, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to go off now | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
-and watch some Dick and Dom howlers. -Yeah, fine. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
We'll just read some poetry or listen to some opera. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
That's what we do now we've moved on. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
Right, OK. Suit yourselves, then. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
What a pair of let-downs! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
YEAAARGH! | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
See that?! See that?! See that?! | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
Oh, stop doing that! It's going to... | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
I told you that would happen! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Uh-oh! Go on, Dick! Get it in! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
Oh, no! Have you took your watch off? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
You'll never guess where I've just been! | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
-SMACK! -Oh! | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
I haven't got a violent streak! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
-Yeah, but you have got quite a big nose. -Pimple. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
Stop it, the pair of you! | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
Ow!! | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
-Look! -What is it? Oh, it's a spider! | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Put it down! Don't show it a mirror! | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
-It'll be furious! -I can't...professional animal man! | 0:19:02 | 0:19:06 | |
Aargh! Aargh! | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
-Did you go to the dentist? -Of course. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
-I can still smell boiled onions. -I don't know why. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
-They gave me a really good scrubbing. -Weird that, isn't it? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
Very weird. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Oh, that's not a Granny Smythe! | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
Everywhere. All over the pavement. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
Ha-ha-ha! Run away! | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
-He ran away! -DOM SPITS | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
Ha-ha-ha! Did you enjoy that? | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
BOTH: Not really. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
-What do you think of my staging area? -BOTH: Not a lot. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
In fact, to be honest, Hacker, | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
you're making us look silly and immature! | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
You're not helping, all right? Get out of it! | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
-CRASH! -Ooh! | 0:19:49 | 0:19:50 | |
Time to tell you about | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
how we're changing the act, Dick and Dom. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
Because now, we are older, wiser, and fatter. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
We're putting behind us the slapstick, mess, and buffoonerism. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
In the past, we would have thought nothing | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
of dancing in our pants, getting covered in creamy muck-muck. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
Hacker wants us to mess around with these props. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
Look, a plank of wood, a frying pan, and a bucket of creamy muck-muck. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
Dick would have thought nothing | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
of putting the plank on his shoulders, | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
and we would have done the, "Oops, I've just missed a plank! | 0:20:20 | 0:20:24 | |
"Ooh, I'm going to miss it again!" | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
But we don't want to do slapstick, because... | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
BOTH: It's very silly! | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
There wouldn't have been a moment | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
I wouldn't have picked up a frying pan | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
and whacked Dom in the face with it, over and over. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
-CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! -Over and over and over and over... | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
..over and over and over and over and over and over and over... | 0:20:43 | 0:20:49 | |
..and over and over and over and over and over again. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
We don't do that any more! Because... | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
BOTH: It's very, very, silly! | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
And finally, a bucket of creamy muck-muck. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
On Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow, | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
this would have been poured over each others' heads. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
But our manager said, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
"Put the muck-muck down! You've moved forward." Because... | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
BOTH: It's very, very, very silly! | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
So what's going to happen in the future? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
We're becoming more intellectual and highbrow. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
We're going to write a sitcom called, | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Whoops, Mrs Chiselbottom, You Sat On Me Memoirs! | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
And remember - THERE'LL BE NO MORE MESS! | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
BOING! WHEE! | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
SPLAT! | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory" by Elgar and Benson | 0:21:31 | 0:21:35 | |
Ah! Ah! Ah! | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
PLONK! FEET PATTER | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
Look at the state of you two! | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
Very highbrow! Ha-ha! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Here's some Sherlock Bones! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
Ooh, he looks tasty in that! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
This is the town of Teapot, home of one talented detective. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:07 | |
Who writes this?! | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
Can I interest you in some tea, Sherlock? | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
No thank you, Mrs Drinkwater. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
We've had a cupboard full downstairs. Ooh, yes, no, yes! | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
Well, I'll briefly leave these here, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
in case you change your mind. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
Briefly...Briefly... | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
Briefly...Briefly... | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
In case...Brief..ca... | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
BRIEFCASE! Sherlock, you're a genius! | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
Mrs Drinkwater is trying to tell you that she's lost her briefcase, | 0:22:31 | 0:22:36 | |
using some sort of detective code! | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
Fear not, Mrs Drinkwater! For I will find your missing briefcase! | 0:22:39 | 0:22:44 | |
< But I haven't got a briefcase! | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
Precisely, my dear. It's missing! | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
CHARGE! Ha-ha! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Oof! Aw... | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
CLANG! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
BELL RINGS Ah, my first customer of the day! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
I hope it's not that dog who thinks he's a detective. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
-Oh. -You all right, cockers? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
I'm here to solve the case of the missing case, case. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
CRASH! THUD! | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
Pah! See if they're in here... | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
SMASH! CLATTER! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
Pah! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
A lunchbox! | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
Very suspicious indeed. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
Lunch...sandwiches... | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
meats...treats... | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
SWEETS! | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
Mrs Drinkwater's missing briefcase is in the local sweet shop! | 0:23:44 | 0:23:49 | |
< But I haven't GOT a briefcase! | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
Precisely! It's missing! Harry, let's go! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:55 | |
Harry? Yeah, you just stay there. Good thinking. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
Always the same, isn't he? | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
Where's the briefcase?! | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
Oooh! It's a tiny little doggy! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
I am a detective! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
You're so cute, aren't you? With your face? | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
I am quite cute...where's the briefcase?! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
Ooh, little doggy thinks he's a detective! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
-You little baby! -Right, that's it! THIEF! | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
Come on! Officer, arrest this man! | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
For I have now reason to believe | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
that he has stolen Mrs Drinkwater's briefcase. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
But I haven't GOT a briefcase! | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Don't listen to her. Take him away! | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
Help! Please! | 0:24:35 | 0:24:36 | |
This isn't how the law works! It's a joke! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
What kind of universe is this?! | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
It's my show! | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Get rid. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
Oh, what a lovely adventure! More of that nonsense next time! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:53 | |
What a lovely time we've had, haven't we? | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
I've not had so much fun since I had athlete's foot. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
Oh, I'm glad! | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
As a thank you, I've got you two a present. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
You know how you two are known for your bogies? | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
Yeah, yeah. Of course. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
You want to make sure your noses are clean. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
So I've got you... Hacker Time toothbrushes! | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
Look at those! They're beauties! Good, aren't they? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
-Yeah. -Lovely. -Thanks for having us on. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
Thanks for coming in, and all that's left for me to say to you is this. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:25 | |
Hit it! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:26 | |
# Go, go, go, away! | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
# Go, go, go, away! | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
# Go, go, go, away! | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
# Go, go, go, away! # | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
-No seriously. Go away, please. -Oh. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
I've exhausted all I wanted to get from this. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
-See you! Thanks for... -CLANG! | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
-Oh, be careful! You too.. -CLANG! | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
Shut the door! It's draughty in here! | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
Oh, what lovely boys! But I'm glad they've gone | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
cos I want to show you my favourite LOLs from around the world. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
It's time for... | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
Hacker's Top Three Silly Howlers! | 0:26:00 | 0:26:04 | |
In at three - quick! Get this man some chips and a wedge of lemon! | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
CAMERAMAN LAUGHS | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
Ha-ha-ha! He thinks he's an fish! | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
At two - have you ever seen fruit driving a car?! | 0:26:15 | 0:26:19 | |
I once saw a kiwi on a skateboard. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
But a banana in a car? That's just silly! | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
At one, it's a ping-pong penguin! | 0:26:28 | 0:26:32 | |
Now that is flipping brilliant! Ha-ha-ha! | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
That's all from Hacker Time. I could go on, but I'd rather not. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
Thanks to Dick and Dom for doing whatever it is they do. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
See you next time...unless the BBC realise I'm not allowed | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
within 50 metres of any television studio. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
Here's my brilliant end song thing! Good-bye! | 0:26:56 | 0:27:00 | |
# That is it for now the end of the show | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time! | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
# It's been amazing we've been larking around | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I found | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
# Watch again next time cos I've got much more | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
# Dick and Dom, those cheeky boys | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
# Popped in and ran amok | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
# They fell about, we had a chat | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
# And I got covered in a load of slop | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
# That is it for now the end of the show | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
# I'll see you next time on this show of mine | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time! | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time! | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! # | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
CHEERING BOTH: BOGIES!! | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 |
