Sue Barker Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# ..You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

RACQUET STRING TWANGS, CLOCK TICKS

DANCE MUSIC RHYTHM BUILDS

MUSIC BUILDS INTO "QUESTION OF SPORT" THEME

THEY HUM ALONG

# La la-la-la la la la la-la!

# Ba ba-ba-ba ba ba bab!

# La la-la-la...

# P-P-P-P-Pokerface! Hoo-hoo!

What's he doing?!

Derek! What are you doing?!

We're doing the Question of Sport music here - not Lady Gaga!

Not Lady Gaga? Ooh, heck! I must've got the wrong memo.

You've completely ruined my well planned spontaneous introduction!

Get back to the gallery! Go on!

Hmph!

-PHONE RINGS

-Will you answer that, Mr Hacker?

I will not answer that!

I'm waiting for a quote on me grouting!

Grouting?! I'm trying to make a TV show here! Now get out! Go on!

All right.

Don't go anywhere, viewers! It will get better, I promise.

Coming up today -

Criminal activity.

-You nicked that!

-It's the Wimbledon trophy!

Sporting prowess.

And probing questions.

-How much do you weigh?

-What!?

Sight tight, folks! Ha-ha!

Today's programme is going to be all about sport.

So there's only one person qualified to be my guest today.

She's lovely, she's talented.

And she's not returned my calls for weeks now.

Herman, Wilf? Go get her!

-Yes, Mr Hacker!

-I'll fire up the van!

Ha ha ha!

MUSIC: "Mission Impossible" theme

-Stay there, love! Off you go, Wilf!

-Off we go!

You can't do this!

Who are you? And where are you taking me?

Please welcome today's special's guest -

my close personal friend, Syu Barker!

Oh, it's you! I might have known!

-Hello, Sue!

-Hi, Hacker!

-I've missed you!

I missed you too, but what am I doing here?

I thought you might like to be my special guest today on Hacker Time!

Ooh, I don't think I've got time. I'm a very busy woman.

I've a lot of sport to present and I've got my dry-cleaning to collect.

Oh, Syu-san! Don't leave me!

I've planned a whole show about sport!

And if you won't do it,

the only other guest available is Dennis Tennis.

Dennis Tennis?! He doesn't know anything about sport!

He'll never be a good sports presenter like me.

I mean, imagine what would happen!

HACKER CHORTLES

Hello, and welcome to the sport!

Ooh! Me head's gone amiss!

Oh, yeah!

If it's between Dennis Tennis and me, then I'm in!

Perfect! Sorry Dennis, you're off the show!

Bit strange, that one.

Now, Syu-san. I've prepared some definitely true facts about you.

It's Soo-san.

-Syu-san.

-Soo-san. Soo-san.

Syu-san Barker!

I've prepared some definitely true facts about you.

Pull that lever! Perfect!

Sue Barker is a lovely woman.

But don't be fooled, because she spent her early years in court -

tennis court, of course!

Sue gave her tennis racquets a lot of love and care.

"There, there, go to sleep now, tennis racquet."

Pffft! "Oh, tennis racquet!"

Since 1993 she's been a presenter on BBC Sport.

She wears a variety of outfits. There she is in a white jacket.

And there she is in a white jacket.

And there she is in a white jacket again! What you doing, Sue?!

Maybe she just wants to make friends.

But we know her now for A Question of Sport

where she never gets within three metres of Phil Tufnell.

Sue's got loads of fans. Even worms want to take her picture!

And she's my dream woman!

So that's everything you need to know about Syu-san Barker! Ooh!

Ha-ha! That was good, weren't it?

It wasn't all true, you know.

Some of it was. The white jacket bit.

I almost wore it today!

Ha-ha! I wish you had, Sue!

HACKER LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY

Oh, Sue.

It's so lovely to have you here.

I normally have a right load of old has-beens on.

But you're a proper woman!

And now I am going to interview you

-like a real presenter, not unlike Gary Lineker would.

-OK!

Question one.

Remember when you stole that big plate from Wimbledon canteen?

Um...

Yes, you did, love! I have photographic evidence!

Look at this! You nicked that!

It's the Wimbledon Ladies' trophy.

That's what all minor criminals say, Sue.

The closest I got to it was holding it there.

And Sue, remember when you had that Question of Sport hat?

Er, no.

Well, I do. And I have evidence! Look at it!

-SUE LAUGHS

-Ha-ha! What do you think?

SUE LAUGHS

Terrible!

Sue, what about the time the Sports Personality of the Year trophy

said something to offend you?

You were livid then, weren't you?

I was seeing red.

Did it vex you, Sue?

Again, that's another trophy I didn't win, so I wasn't happy with it.

-There's loads of trophies you've not won.

-Exactly!

-Syu?

-Yes?

-You present sports stuff on the telly.

-I do, yes.

I like watching you, but I must admit

I do find it a bit confusing at times.

-Will you clear up a few things up for me?

-I'll try.

Is squash a sport or a drink?

Well, it's both.

Is deuce a tennis score or a drink?

Well, it's both.

Is tee a thing you use in golf or a drink?

It's both, Hacker!

-It's so confusing, Syu!

-It is!

And it's made me all very thirsty!

-Has it?

-Now, where was I?

Oh yes. Syu-san Barker,

remember when I was a guest on Question of Sport?

You've never been a guest on Question of Sport.

Syu-san! How could you?! It meant so much to me.

Have a look at this video evidence.

Who, having won the 2008 Olympic Women's 50m and 100m Freestyle

won the same events a year later at the World Championships?

Hmmm...

Let me just write that down.

-What are you scribbling?

-Take your time, take your time.

Is that a question?

Of sport?

-It is!

-Thank you. Yep, thank you very much.

Ah, cheers, cockers!

Hey, what do you think, Syu?

I'm very impressed. Incredible sporting knowledge.

Thank you. I have got the mind of an intellect.

Hang on, what's happening now?

Hello, folks, Derek McGee here,

taking matters into my own hands again,

for Derek Time!

Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time!

Hee-hee!

How do, Derek fans?

Today, haven't go time to show you the Wimbledon player

disqualified for lying about his age.

Or the kitten that forgets he isn't TOM Daley!

But we have got time to show you today's top clip.

This kitty's trying to have a little catnap

but he's not accounted for his lack of a headrest. Hoo-hoo!

See? He's woken up. He's going to fall off again.

I hope the same fate doesn't befall him again.

Ooh, what d'you know? It has.

The only thing that'd make this funnier is if it happened again!

And what do you know? It has!

DEREK LAUGHS

What a bizarre cat! That's it for Derek Time.

Tune in next week for more highbrow entertainment. See ya!

Sorry about him, Sue, he's a disgrace. But he's cheap.

Fair enough. That's why Phil Tufnell's still on Question of Sport!

Ha-ha! There's nothing cheap about this bit though, Sue.

-Really?

-Hit it!

MUSIC: GRANDSTAND THEME

# Oh, when I was a puppy

# I made a discovery

# Of a woman so lovely I couldn't resist

# She hosted the sports Offered insightful thoughts

# At the Wimbledon courts

# Yes, I was hot!

# Oh, she's got a strong backhand

# A legion of loyal fans

# Always interesting, never bland

# Oh, you didn't get that with Desmond Lynam!

# She does A Question of Sport

# Interviews the winners on Centre Court

# There is only one Susan Barker

# A staple of public life since 1973

# Hee

# There is only one Susan Barker! #

What d'you think, Sue?

I love... My favourite tune, and the words were lovely!

Thank you, Syu-san.

-You didn't have to mention 1973.

-It was contractual!

What a ridiculous programme.

Benjamin, we need to write a letter of complaint to the BBC.

OK, Frank, should I write it down?

Yes. No! No, every time we've done this, you've got it wrong.

Let's email the complaint instead. Not even YOU can mess that up.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

-Now, go and get the keyboard.

-The keyboard?

-Yes, the keyboard.

If you say so, Frank!

Yeah, OK.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Dear The BBC. Please stop screening this disgraceful Hacker Time muck.

You are sullying the good name of the fragrant Susan Barker.

Benjamin? Benjamin? Benjamin? What are you doing?!

You did say "get the keyboard", Frank!

Argh! Ben-ja-min!

Hacker, did you hear something?

Was it the sound of my beating heart telling you I love you, Sue?

No, it was more like rats, or cockroaches.

Yeah, that figures. This place is riddled, Sue.

Anyway, Syu-san. Don't mind me.

I just need to do a little bit of my presenting stuff.

RAPS: You're watching Hacker Time

with today's special guest Syu-san Barker, off the sports things!

She's having a lovely time.

In fact it's probably the best day of her life.

THINKS: "What am I doing here?!"

"Clare Balding's having a fondue party tonight -

"I could be eating some Emmental whilst chatting to Jake Humphrey

"about skeleton bobsled instead of having to listen to this rubbish!"

-Hello? Syu!

-Yes?

I said you're having a lovely time, aren't you!

I'm having, er, a great time!

I knew you would! Well, there's more good news, Syu...

-Is it over?

-No!

-Oh(!)

The good news is that there's still loads more to come!

Run the menu, Derek!

Still to come -

There's been...an incident.

More sporting prowess.

CHEERING

And more probing questions.

-What was the score?

-I don't know.

-Seven, it was.

But first, Hacker's off to meet his fans.

-'Ere you.

-Here we go!

You all right, cockers?

(ALL): Hello, Hacker!

'Allo, it's me, Hacker.

Do you think you can help me become a major sporting athlete?

Yes!

You do? Hurray!

Then let the training drill begin!

Right. You. Jog on the spot. Come on. Faster!

Feel your arteries quivering.

-# Working out is lots of fun

-Working out is lots of fun

-# Unless you fall on your bum

-Unless you fall on your bum. #

Can you do any yoga moves?

-Yes.

-What's that called?

-The tree.

Faster! Faster! Come on, faster!

I think my tree's got woodworm. Timber!

CRASH!

It is now time for the greatest sporting challenge ever.

This requires great skill and prowess.

I want you to sort out my stinking laundry!

There's ten pair of socks in there that need matching up.

Go!

They're my underpants! My knick-knacks - don't look at them!

Come on. Pair up some socks. Come on. It's a challenge.

It's a time against the clock.

-KLAXON

-Time's up. Stop. Time's up.

-How many have you managed to do?

-None.

-None? Perfect. How about you?

-Two.

-Two pairs? How about you?

-No idea.

He's no idea, so the Laundry Challenge has proved one thing only.

That it was a total waste of time. Good day!

So what have we learned today?

Number one, sport requires great physical strength.

Number two. Laundry is not technically a sport

and number three, I can do a great dolphin impression.

SQUEAKS LIKE A DOLPHIN

Thanks for all your help, cockers!

Bye, Hacker!

Now back to the studio.

I bet they're having a miserable time without me!

MUSIC: "Soul Limbo" by Booker T and the MGs (TEST MATCH THEME)

It's all right, everyone, I'm back! Ha-ha!

What do you call this?

Stop the music, please, put the lights on.

I'm not happy about this. Susan!

I've been off doing all that serious stuff

and you're here, acting the giddy goose

with a man dressed as a lemon?

What's happened to you, Syu?

I'm sorry, Hacker.

As for you pesky costume characters, you better apologise as well.

THEY MUMBLE: Sorry, Hacker.

There's only one thing that's going to make me feel better now, Syu.

And that's looking at a few hilarious LOLs

from when A Question of Sport went adrift!

That means you, Syu-san! Run the tape, Derek!

Starting tonight with a picture board...Pf!

Sue Barker, you made a fool of yourself.

Oh no, not Anton, he was in serie 1.

Uh-oh! Spin around, Anton.

Can't see where I'm going...

Spin around!

Checking, er...

Come on, Sue, quick, quick. Time's money, love.

-Someone's speaking to you, Sue.

-They're checking.

She just goes off...

Tufnell? Keep out of this! Don't you mock my Syu!

Tufnell!

Excuse me!

I tell you what, I'm lucky tonight because I have...

Hang on, which one's Sue?! Which one's Sue?

..My wildest dreams of seeing two Sue Barkers...

Double Sue!

End of the buzzer round and it's a win for Matt's team.

Sue, it's Phil! Phil won. It's a basic science, that!

Ah! Well done, Sue. no one noticed.

Spin around, Anton, that's it!

Elevate her. Oh, don't drop her, mind your espadrilles.

Anton! Oh, no, Syu! Ohh!

-They were good, weren't they, Sue?

-They were.

-What about that Anton?

Did you see that? He threw me over his shoulder.

-Oh, good old Anton. He's crackers, in't he?

-He is.

Now then, Sue. You're top notch at hosting A Question of Sport,

-if you don't mind me saying.

-Thank you very much!

But I think I could do it betterer.

-Yeah? Well, you've got the hair.

-I've got a classic Syu Barker wig

so I thought I would do a top-drawer quiz

entitled A Question of Sue!

Welcome to A Question of Sue.

My name is Hacker T Dog

and playing tonight, it's everyone's favourite Sue - Sue Barker!

I'm worried about this.

Oh, you should be worried, Sue.

There are three rounds and plenty of points up for grabs.

No prize at the end of it, but you can't have everything.

-We've had a budget cut, haven't we?

-We have!

So without further ado, let's start with round one.

It's the Mystery Guest round!

DRUM ROLL

Susan, I'm going to show you a video of a celebrity in disguise.

All you need to do is guess who it is. Understand?

I do!

OK then. Watch this very carefully!

I will.

MUSIC: "In An English Country Garden"

Hacker, it's obviously you!

The clip's not finished yet, Sue.

It's a waste of time. It's obviously you!

Be patient, love!

So what's your answer?

Erm... Is it Hacker?

Well, let's have a look, shall we?

Who's that gardener?

-It's actually Philip Tufnell!

-No!

That was something I shot in the Blue Peter garden the other day.

Ah!

He's hairier than I realised!

So the score stands at 307.

It's time for the second round - Home or Away.

Would you like a Home question or an Away question?

I'll have a Home question please, Hacker.

Good choice.

Sue Barker.

Do you have laminate flooring or do you prefer a vinyl finish?

I think you've got a bit mixed up.

No, no, I said,

do you have laminate flooring or do you prefer a vinyl finish?

No, but, if it's a Home question, it's about your home sport.

So you should ask me something about tennis,

not about my floor.

I don't know a thing about tennis, Sue.

But that's what this quiz is all about.

I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not all there!

Shall we try an Away question?

OK, go an Away question.

Sue Barker. How much do you a-weigh?

What?! You can't ask that!

I said away! In a way.

In a way?! Away question's supposed to be about

any sport other than tennis. It's about sport.

All right, Sue, stop harping on.

-Let's do the last round. This is Sprint Finish!

-Can't wait(!)

OK.. This is about sport and that.

There are 30 seconds on the clock and I'll ask you some questions.

All you have to do is say the answers! Understand?

-What could possibly go wrong?

-Probably quite a lot.

-Start the clock. Name a tennis player.

-Roger Federer.

-Wrong. Steffi Graf. What are Queen's Park Rangers?

-A football team.

No, people that work in the Queen's royal parks. Come on, Sue!

-Where do Manchester United play?

-Old Trafford.

-No, wherever the game is that weekend.

-Oh!

-What was the score?

-I don't know.

-Seven, it was.

-Name the Russian gymnast.

-Komova.

-No!

-Mustafina?

-Still wrong.

-How?

-What?!

-When? Why?

-Time up! What's the score, guys?

-Did I get any right?

I've lost count, Hacker!

And I CAN'T count, Hacker!

Ooh, heck. What a pair of mooeys.

-Right, Sue. Next round is What Happens Next?

-Yeah.

Go on then. What happens next?

No, no, you show me a clip, then I have a guess at what happens next.

What you on about, Sue? I literally don't know what happens next.

I left the last page of my script on the printer.

-I've no idea what happens now!

-Hacker!

-Oh, Sue!

-I think maybe you're better at quizzes than I am after all.

-Aw!

Better stick to my day job. Hold on, what IS my day job?

Anyway - I know what you WILL like, Susan -

it's my top-drawer gritty detective drama, Sherlock Bones.

And today something happens to a sofa.

Or is it a suite? I don't know.

It'll all become clear, I'm sure. Run it, Derek!

This is the sinister town of Teapot.

Where trouble's always brewing, like a... Oh, forget it!

And once the Prince promised never to stroke llamas again

they all lived happily ever after.

Oh, Nursey! Tell me another story!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oooh!

Hello?

Sherlock, there's been an incident!

Mr Sherbet from the sweet shop's just lost his three-piece suite!

This is a case for...

Me!

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

I can only serve you one at a time, but rest assured,

there are enough nails for everyone.

ALL CHEER

It's a bit busy in here today.

But since the entire town's here, it's important to note that

there's been...an incident!

THEY GASP

Mr Sherbet has had his three-piece suite stolen.

-What flavour was the sweet?

-No, his three-piece suite.

Why's he eating pea-flavoured sweets?

I don't know! Probably some sort of sicko, I don't know.

Unless he's lost three peas.

Why would he only eat three peas?

I think what we're talking about here is his sofa and chairs -

you know, his three-piece suite.

Why's he using swede-free meat as lounge furniture?

Just hang on. I'll be right back.

It's not right!

Mr Sherbet! Have you lost your three-piece suite,

Your 3p sweet or your "three peas, sweet!",

used as an exclamation?

Oh, I did have a sweet that I sold for three pence

but I found it now, it was behind the four-pence sweet.

Total waste of police time! I'm livid!

False alarm everyone!

It was his sweet costing 3p.

But he's found it now.

It was behind his 4p sweet.

Four-piece suite?

How can he afford three armchairs and a sofa in this day and age?

Let's get him!

Ah, go on, then, let's get him. Raaaar!

Hey, good actoring, weren't it, Syu?

Cor, it was, very good, yeah.

Ah, Susan, we've had a lovely time today, haven't I!

Well, I have, too, it's been fun!

-Sue?

-What?

-I thought that,

maybe after the show,

me and you could go out and get a nice chilled beverage or something?

-Oh, Hacker! I'd love to...

-Really?!

But not tonight, sorry. I'm...er, busy.

Busy?! OK. Don't worry, Syu.

-Maybe another time.

-Yes.

-See ya, then!

-Is that it?

Yep! Hit the music, Derek!

Off you go, Syu.

That's all the coverage of Sue Barker we've got time for today.

But tune in later when John Inverdale will have

coverage of all today's Sue Barker-based laughs.

In't she lovely?

Now she's pushed off,

I'll show you some of my favourite sporting LOLs

from around this glorious world.

It's time for Hacker's Top Five Sporting Howlers!

In at five, it's the miracle bowler.

Oh, good, come on.

Oh, Oh! He's gone spare!

Oh, good work, sir.

It'd be a miracle if I managed to hit anything.

I've got arms like an old dishcloth!

Now, as we know, I'm terrible at football,

but even I know how to kick a ball.

Right in the famsquodge!

Get it in the net, son. Come on, it's massive!

Oh!

HE GRUNTS

What an embarrassment!

Come on boys, take some tips from me!

Ooh, 'eck!

Ooh, no!

In at three.

Whoever said office jobs are boring?

I did, actually, cos they are! Or are they?

These guys have got far too much time on their hands.

Answer the phone - it could be important!

You might be entitled to a PPI refund!

It's all fun and games now.

But wait till the cleaner catches you lot!

Then you'll be for it.

Did you know that not all sports take place on land?

Have a look at these aquatic beauties.

Oh, look, he's got moist again.

Stay on the land son, you're not a duck, what you playing at?

Oh, look at you showing off.

Hold on, oh, you'll never get your money back!

Ha-ha-ha! What a soggy nonsense!

Today's number one features some mind-blowing basketball tricks.

Look at them go!

He'll never get that in.

He'll never get that in. It went in!

That'll never go in, no chance. It's gone in!

You think that's impressive?

You should watch me slam-dunk a biccie in me tea!

Anyway, thanks for watching my TV show today.

It's been a right good one, ain't it?

I'm off to wait for the many awards to be delivered,

so I'll see you next time.

All that's left to do today is for me to sing my well good song.

Join in if you know the words!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# And we've been LOL-ing at some clips that I found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!

# We did sporting stuff today with the lovely Susan Barker

# She's a charming girl With a handsome face

# And I do believe she's better than a permanent marker

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

P-P-PPoker face, oh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd