Naomi Wilkinson Hacker Time

You got to watch this.

You got to watch this.

You got to watch this!

My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard.

Makes me say, "oh, my word".

Thank you for watching me.

It's telly but not what you normally see.

It feels good, there's outtakes too.

Comedy gets eclipsed, it's true

Sit back, don't move too much. This is the show you can't touch.

Hacker Time.

Thank you.

Hello! Welcome to Hacker Time.

We're going to have a great show today.

Coming up later...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

This isn't the Hacker Time studio. It's the CBeebies house!

Alex?! What are you on about? I am a professional.

I would not walk in to the wrong stu...studio.

Yeah. Hacks, if you're here,

who's presenting in the Hacker Time studio?

Oooh, heck!

I'm Andy and this is Hacker Time.

Can you tell the time?

-The long hand goes to the top.

-Oi! Andy! Hop it!

This is my show! Get out.

-Hi, Hacker. I thought I could help you out.

-Andrew, come here, please.

Come down here.

This is my show, now get out! You're not welcome here. Leave!

Leave my show now!

Go on and stop dawdling.

Pull the door and shut it after you. It's draughty in here. Go on!

The cheek of the man! Sorry, viewers, back to business!

This is Hacker Time. Coming up today...

Minging mould...

Good day, Naomi.

..dazzling dancing...

..and bathroom banter.

I love a good poo!

Today's programme is all about animals.

So I've booked a deadly good guest to help me out.

And if I'm not mistaken, she must be about to arrive,

entirely willingly, of course!

-Wilf, Herman, get her!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

I'll fire up the van.

-Stay there, love! Off you go, Wilf!

-Off we go.

Excuse me, where are you taking me?

Reverse it.

Please welcome today's special guest, Naomi Wilkinson!

Hacker! Why did you get your work experience boy to capture me

and chuck me in a van?

Because you're my guest today. Yay!

Why didn't you just ask? I'd have happily got the bus.

Ask? Really? People don't normally want to appear on my show.

Extraordinary! All right then, Naomi.

Today's programme is going to be all about animals.

Sounds good to me!

First, for anyone not familiar with your work,

let's have a gander at a bit more information?

-Why ever not!

-You'll see why not! Pull the red lever!

Naomi Wilkinson does presenting on the telly.

She does shows like All Over The Place and Marrying Mum And Dad,

but is most famous for hosting Live And Deadly

with her best friend, Steve Backshall.

Animals, animals, animals, blah, blah, blah.

I'm big and strong.

-Oh, shut up, Steve.

-Sorry.

Naomi loves animals. Here she is having a chit chat with a rodent

and here she is being shunned by that owl.

Owl-rude! Well, apart from that owl, she's very popular.

So much so, she has her own album.

In her space time, Naomi likes to dress as a medieval boy

and likes to wear orange and hang out with the other CBBC presenters

but Naomi doesn't like it if anyone turns up wearing yellow.

It makes her do unspeakable things. Oh, Johnny, no!

When she's not on the telly, she works in the CBBC canteen.

Good old Naomi, eh? At least she's never scared.

Oh, heck, it's Naomi Wilkinson.

Very good, that, and all definitely true.

-What do you think, Naomi?

-It's nearly right, yes.

-Naomi Wilkinson, off of the telly.

-Yes.

You know things about animals, so I am going to interview you.

-Are you ready?

-I am ready.

-What is more deadly?

A massive lion or Steve Backshall in the morning?

Steve Backshall in the morning, definitely. Easy that one.

-You are a human being who looks at animals for a living.

-Yes.

Bit weird that.

How would you feel if animals sat here looking at you all the time?

I'll just get my binoculars.

There's Naomi Wilkinson,

sat there with her peach coloured leggings on and ill-fitting top.

Look at her lovely hair. Thinning hair.

Yes, Naomi Wilkinson in all her glory.

-Right.

-And you wonder why people don't come on this show.

I beg your pardon, madam!

Next question. In my opinion,

some of your animals aren't deadly enough,

so I have created a new deadly animal.

It happened by accident, actually

cos I left some old cheese in the fridge for a bit too long

and it grew. Oh, it grew!

It was ever so nasty! Go and have a look, though.

But be careful. Ooh, it is deadly.

I can barely watch what's going to happen in the next few moments.

Oh - urgh!

Good day to you, Naomi.

What a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

-Yeah, hello.

-My name is Algernon

and I'm a terribly deadly creature, my dear. Get this -

I once accidentally knocked a small yoghurt onto the floor

and didn't clean it up.

Oh, so deadly!

Anyway, my darling, I must away!

Ta-ta!

-Bye.

-Be a dear, shut the door, love.

What the budgies? How did that happen?

Oh! Forget that, Naomi.

We're going to take a few questions now from viewers at home.

Get the phone, put the antenna up and Bob's your uncle.

Who's on line one?

'Hello, Hacker?'

Yeah, it's me, Steve Backshall, here.

I heard you were doing a wildlife-themed programme today.

I'm absolutely all ready to go.

Ah. There is a problem there.

I'm going in a slightly different direction this series, Steve.

Oh. And what direction is that?

The opposite direction from you!

SHE'S there, isn't she?

Yes.

DIAL TONE

What a strange man.

Anyroad, Naomi Wilkinson! I love watching Live 'n' Deadly.

-Oh, good.

-You always say such

definitely factually accurate information. LOOOOK!

MUSIC: "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga

Know what? Us humans, we think we've got this whole musical thing sorted.

We think we've got the best rhythms, best beats,

best rhymes, but actually, when you take a look around the natural world,

some animals could easily give us a run for our money

and they definitely got there first.

MUSIC: "The Birdie Song"

Some would say that went on a little too long, but I disagree.

Next on Hacker Time,

I'm going to give a short lecture about my favourite months.

You see, I like March, but I also like September.

Although I do also quite like...

Hacker! There's no time for that now. It's time for my bit!

-Your bit?

-Ho-ho, yes!

I'm ready with another brilliant instalment of Derek Time!

Oh, not this again. Derek, I've told you before!

It's MY show! You're the hired help. You're not allowed your own section!

Well, all right, then.

-Good!

-I guess I'll have to show the viewers at home...

the photograph.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Not the... Not the photograph!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

All right, stop that.

On second thoughts, I'm sure I can spare you a couple of minutes.

Take it away...Derek.

Ho-ho! It's Derek Time.

Hee-hee!

Hello, folks.

On today's animal-themed Derek Time, we haven't got time

to show you a crow training for the Winter Olympics...

MUSIC: "Ski Sunday" theme

..or the cat that plans world domination...

SCARY MUSIC

..but we have got time to show you today's top clip. Ho-ho!

What's he doing?

He's scratching his itchy bot-bot on the telly.

Hoo-hoo! Has he got no shame?

Urgh...oh!

Oh, don't mind me.

That's all for now.

I'm off for a cup of gravy and a bag of raw shallots.

See you later, Derek fans! Ho-ho!

Now, left a bit. Come on.

Oh, yes. Hoo-hoo!

I want him gone before the next episode. I'm furious with him!

Oh, hello again.

Thanks to Derek for that brilliant section of the programme.

I can't wait till next time. Right, where was I?

Tapestry, flooring, anim...animals! Yeah, that was it! Ahem.

What's your favourite animal?

Uh, I love...

Oh, Naomi, no! Don't talk to me about love!

-Why not?

-I've been wronged by the love of an animal, Naomi.

Oh, I'm sorry, Hacker. Let's move on, shall we?

I was a mere puppy and she broke my heart.

I don't like to talk about it.

But I will...

I will SING about it!

Here's my ode to the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.

Ahem.

# I saw her in a library

# Browsing all the shelves

# Her engrossed in fiction

# And me cross-referencing shells

# She had a certain summat

# Oh, that was clear to see

# I rushed past Law and Language

# And the rest is History

# Her name was Barbara

# And never have I seen

# A more amazing specimen

# Apart from...well, Andrea McLean

# I dreamt that Babs and I

# Would never be apart

# We'd buy a two-bed terraced house

# With good access to schools and parks

# But Barbara and I

# It was not meant to be

# Whilst she looked a treat, she smelt like death

# Because she was a skunk, you see. #

Oh, phwoo!

# Oh, Barbara, it is such a shame that you're a skunk! #

Cos I've got a sensitive nose. It would never work, love!

-Did you like my song?

-It was lovely. It was very romantic - till the end.

-Thanks, love.

-Did she really pong?

-Oh, she was whiffy.

-Can't you give her a chance?

-She sounds like she's a nice girl, really.

-No, she was ripe.

-What about a squirt of perfume?

-Dirt. Muck!

Gah! Will this stupidity never end?

Benjamin, we need to put a stop to this once and for all

by writing a letter of complaint.

I will dictate it, you will write it down!

Duh, OK, Frank.

"Dear The BBC,

"This Hacker Time programme is utter tripe.

"Why must you insult and embarrass everyone

"with a horrific musical number about a skunk?

"Please stop it. Stop it all now.

"Yours sincerely, Disgusted of Under The Desk."

-Right! Did you get all of that down, Benjamin?

-I sure did, Frank.

Excellent. Now go and post it.

Post it? Are you sure, Frank?

Yes! Post it! Post it now!

If you say so, Frank.

TOASTER CLICKS

I'm back, Frank!

That was extremely quick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. What is that singed mess in your hand?

It's the letter!

I toasted it just like you told me.

Benjamin!

Can you hear something, Hacker?

Is it Barbara? Is she back?

-No, no.

-Barbara!

-No, it's not a skunk.

It sounds more like cockroaches or something.

Oh, right. Yeah, that figures.

This place is infested with an array of nastiness, Naomi.

Anyroad, we better get on.

There's still loads more to come, you know. Ahem.

Derek! The menu!

Oh, yes. Stay tuned for amateur acting...

What was my line?

Angry birds...

..and potent plops!

What do you think that's from?

Don't go away. Hoo-hoo!

Looks good, don't it, Naomi?

-Yeah, it does.

-Now, you've been very interesting so far

but I'm a bit bored of you now

so I'm going to pop off and meet some real human people and that.

I feel another masterclass coming on! And while I'm gone,

chop them onions, love!

Here we go!

Y'all right, Team Cockers?

ALL: Hi, Hacker!

I need your help. Can you lot talk like animals?

-Rrrawr!

-Moo!

-Woof, woof!

Ah, it's like music to my ears!

Horrific, unbearable music.

Herman! Bring on the props.

Here, Hacker. Here's your Box o' Stuff.

It's quite heavy... Whoa!

I'm damaged.

Now...what are you meant to be?

-Are you a trout?

-No, a rabbit.

A rabbit? What noise does a rabbit make?

GNAWING NOISE

No, they do this noise.

Have some lettuce! Ha-ha-ha!

HE CHATTERS

Dolphin!

Hey, that's a nice nose. Did you pick it yourself?

HE CHATTERS

-What's that?

-Dolphin.

No, it's a stoat.

-Rrah!

-Rrruh!

-Rrah!

-Rrruh!

-Rrah!

TRUMPETING

HE CHATTERS

-A stoat.

-Marmoset, that one, doing a dolphin.

What do I sound like?

"What do I sound like?"

No, I don't sound like that. I sound like thith.

-"Like this?"

-Like thith!

-"Wike this?"

-Like thith!

-"Wike this?"

-What sort of noise does a chicken make?

-Buuck!

-A what?

-Buuck!

-Buuck?

-Buuck!

-Buuck!

-Buuck!

-Buuck!

-Buck-aw! Buck-buck-aw!

-I think you've got it.

I think I've laid an egg. A dog egg.

So, what have we learned today?

Number one - most animals are not very bright

because they can't talk, like what I can do.

Number two - I'm not very bright, for different reasons.

And number three - the Earth is made of things.

Cheers for all your help, Cockers. See you!

Bye, Hacker!

Now, back to the studio.

I bet they're having a terrible time without me there.

# Doo doo doo Come on and do the conga

# Choo choo choo A train across the floor

# Doo doo doo

# It's conga night for sure... #

Hang on a minute! Stop the music! Stop that music, please!

MUSIC STOPS

What's going on here, then? I've been off

working hard on my masterclass and that

and you lot have been doing this?

I've never seen anything of the sort!

-Sorry, Hacker.

-And you lot, you costumed characters!

You're getting right on my nerves, doing all this partying.

Where'd they even come from? I don't even know where they come from.

The lemon's a bit... Where's that lemon from?

-There's only one thing for it, Naomi.

-What's that?

I'll look at clips of you embarrassing yourself

-to cheer me up. Is that all right?

-No!

-Tough! Run them.

Aaaaagh!

Aaaah!

It's all you ever do, is scream.

Oh, what's that? I'd be scared of that, Naomi.

SCREAMS

Eek!

Whooa!

SCREAMING

Whoa!

Aaaaaagh!

Ha-ha-ha! What a load of nonsense you were up to there.

Yeah, cheers for that, Hacker.

-My pleasure. So then, Naomi, you like animals.

-Yes.

-I am a animal.

-You are.

-But we all know they can be filth from time to time!

-That's true.

But I've turned nature's indiscretions to my advantage

in a game I like to call...

Have I Got Poos For You! Hoo-hoo!

Herman's been down the zoo with a bag for the last couple of days

and as a little treat,

he has collected several plops for you to identify...

-Yay!

-..which I have placed 'neath these spangly lids.

-Oh, good!

Some of you at home might not like this - cos it's pretty horrendous -

but I love it! I love a good poo. Mmm! Naomi!

-Yes?

-Lift up the first thing and peer at that steamer.

-Oh, ho-ho!

-Now, what do you think it is? Have a little look in.

-Oh...

-I'll give you some clues. The animal is native to India.

This particular breed

is called the Nilgai

and he likes to be known as Clive.

What do you think it is, Naomi?

-That's a rubbish clue.

-It's not the worst.

I don't know. I have absolutely no idea.

Hazard a guess, love!

Honestly...

I'm sorry, I've got no idea, Hacker.

-Naomi, it's an antelope!

-Oh, an antelope. Of course.

Cover it up, it reeks, that.

-That one doesn't smell too bad.

-Let's move on to number two.

Number two! I like what you did there.

I don't get it.

Lift up that lid and examine that faeces!

-Urgh-ha-ha!

-Now, what's that one?

-Oh, that stinks!

-It is a bit ripe, isn't it? I'll give you a clue.

It's from the third largest flightless bird on the planet.

It's been called the most dangerous bird on said planet

and when it goes on a long journey,

it likes to plan it!

What animal is that from?

Is it an ostrich?

No! You are incorrect.

It's from a cassowary.

Oh, of course, a cassowary. Why didn't I guess that(?)

-Cassowar-EE.

-Well, it certainly stinks.

-Stinks-o-wary.

-Follow me to number three.

-You know how to spoil your guests, don't you?

Number three. Funny, ain't it?

Now, lift up that lid, and peer at the plop!

What do you think that's from?

Well...

Oh, it smells. I think that's a big cat poo.

-The clue...

-Or dog poo.

-..is this.

-Is it yours?

-No.

The tail is nearly as long as the rest of its body.

It goes to the gym. What sort of animal

do you think it is, Naomi? He's a lovely man.

Gym! I think it's a...lion poo.

Well, let's have a little look.

What's that? That's the wrong picture, Derek, you buffoon!

Whoops! Sorry, Hacker!

Cheers, Derek.

Yes! It's a snow leopard!

-Oh, a snow leopard!

-Yeah!

Now, if I was to sum up your performance,

I would have a good look at that and judge you on that

but since I think you're such a lovely woman,

I shall give you the prize nonetheless.

-Oh, shake my hand.

-Oh, no!

Oh, no, no! You're filthy! Have a look at this.

Yes, it's the fabulous Golden Poo. Hoo-hoo!

-What do you think of that?

-It's amazing. Thanks so much.

-You really know how to treat your guests well(!)

-Yeah, I do, don't I?

-Has this been the best experience of your life, Naomi?

-No!

Thought so. I need a lie down after all that nonsense.

I think we should watch a bit of dead good telly instead.

Ever wondered how to make an award-winning drama?

-Not recently.

-Well, I can't tell you that.

But I can tell you how we managed to cobble together

-The Adventures of Sherlock Bones instead.

-Oh, good.

It's good because I'm in it! And I made it!

And I'm top drawer! Derek - run the behind-the-scenes exclusive!

DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYS

We first came up with the concept of the show several years ago.

We wanted to make a gritty drama series

that was going to be surprising, entertaining and groundbreaking.

CLOCK TICKS

Doo, doo-doo...

Shall we just do that rubbish detective thing we talked about?

Yes.

Yeah.

THEY SIGH

Once we realised that our idea wasn't original

and some Sherlock Holmes guy already existed,

we decided to make sure our stories were way better,

which meant we needed really strong scripts.

There you are, love. A perfectly formed script. Hoo-hoo!

Well... This isn't a script. It's a picture of a pig in tap shoes.

Can you... Can you do that?

Diva.

The whole cast is like one happy family.

We've really bonded making this.

ED MOUTHS TO HIMSELF

HACKER HUMS

Oh, oi, Ed. Did you watch Strictly Come Dancing the other night?

What? Oh, I don't watch Strictly.

Look, can we rehearse our lines, please?

HE SIGHS

Ahem. "Help! My prize-winning marrow has been stolen.

"Is there anyone who can help me?"

"STRICTLY COME DANCING" THEME

"Ooh, hello! I'm Ed Petrie and I'm too good for Strictly!

"I'm all high and mighty! Let's do our lines!"

I can't work like this!

Hey! The paperwork. Ed! Oh, Edward!

So this is the town of Teapot, where all the crimes take place.

In real life, it's actually quite uninteresting.

Look, I'm not working with him again. What happened to the cactus?

Each episode takes about two minutes to film.

We always get things right the first time.

Take 73! And...action!

What was my line?

"Hello!" Oh, just cut.

But I think the main reason this show's become so huge is the crimes.

We put a lot of effort into creating a mystery around who did it.

Eeny-meeny-miny-moe,

-YOU did it this week.

-Yes!

And at the end of the day,

we hop in the car, go home and get on with our lives.

Come on, Wilf, drop me off at Smith-wick Station.

It's pronounced "Smith-ick", you fool.

Oi! What about my lift?

My wallet's in the car! You can't do this to me!

I'm a celebrity! On a Freeview channel!

-I made that! Can you believe it?

-Not really.

I can't! I have little idea what I'm doing most of the time as it is.

Anyway, what a lovely time we've had today.

-We have, yes.

-And it's not over yet.

Well, not for me, anyway.

-It is for you, love. It's time for you to leave!

-Aw! Really?

Yeah, I think so. But as a little treat, I've got you a small memento.

-You like animals, don't you?

-Yeah.

So I've got you the Hacker Time ironing board cover!

Hacker, that has got nothing to do with animals.

What are you on about? My mum's an animal and she's got one.

-I don't even like ironing.

-Yeah.

-Now, collapse that ironing board and off you go.

-How?

Press the lever or something.

-I can't find a lever.

-Take it as it is! I've not got all day.

-And mind the paintwork on that door, please.

-Bye, Hacker.

See you, Naomi. Mind the bulbs, they're 12p each, them.

There you... Oh, be careful!

Ha-ha-ha! What a lovely woman.

She smells like rain. Mmm.

Now that she's gone,

I'm going to show you some of the best LOLs that I've collected

from around this here world. It's time for...

Hacker's Top Three Deadly Howlers.

In at three...

Someone needs to calm-a this llama down-a.

Oh, look at it! It's gone adrift!

It's not him that needs a bath.

It's you, Mr Llama, you filthy animal!

At two...

Check out this livid goose!

Angry geese are the worst type of geese!

That's a public pond, sir!

Leave him alone! He's got as much right to be there as you have!

Oh, I'm livid!

And our number one deadly animal...

It's a cat, of course! They're well vicious. Look!

Crocodile will never win against the cat!

Whoa!

No wonder us dogs hate them cats. They're out of control, aren't they?

Anyway, that's all we've got time for today.

I've got some chicken marinating in the fridge

so I really must get back and attend to it.

Thanks to Naomi Wilkinson for being on the show.

She was dead good at all that animal stuff

and after my performance today,

I'm pretty sure she'll ditch Steve Backshall and I'll take over! Ha-ha!

I'll leave you now with some of my brilliant singing ability

for no extra charge! G-G-G-G-Goodbye!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# And we've been lolling at some clips that I found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!

# I had Naomi Wilkinson

# On my show today

# We had a LOL, like we always do

# I made her guess the animals responsible for varied poo

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Barbara! Barbara!