Barney Harwood Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# ..You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Standby, studio. On air in 10...9...8...

Ooh, heck. Sorry I'm late. I think I ate one too many Brussels sprouts at lunch.

-HE FARTS

-Ooh!

-Stop that!

Standby, Mr Hacker!

In...

3...2...1...

Cue Hacker!

Y'all right! I'm Hacker T Dog and you're watching Hacker Time!

Today's programme is going to be full of LOLs.

I predict you are going to love it! Isn't that right, Derek?

-Derek? Derek!

-I just can't seem to stop, Lolly!

-HE FARTS

-Well, you've got to, we're on the telly!

Derek!

You what? Oooh! Oh, no! Ooh, heck! Mr Hacker!

We've had a bit of a problem in here.

Derek? What's going on?

STATIC NOISE AND MUSIC

Derek, you mooey! The pictures gone all wrong!

-Sort it out!

-I'm trying! I'm trying, Loll!

-Hello?

-Coming up next, we've got...

No! No!

..butternut squash.

What's going on?

You're back on, Mr Hacker!

Derek! That was supposed to be the big showbiz beginning bit!

We look like a load of amateurs now!

But we are a load of amateurs!

How rude! I am a professional!

Oh, look! A banana skin!

Oh, bodges.

We better move on, quick! Derek, do the menu.

Coming up, something hammy...

I am some sort of non-disclosed limb of meat.

..something stinky...

-FARTING

-Who was that?

-Not me!

-..and something soggy.

-OK! Enough of the cold!

Today's programme is all about CBBC.

So I have secured a top drawer guest to tell us

everything we want to know.

Oh, look - is that the time?

He must be just about to arrive entirely of his own free will.

Wilf, Herman - get him!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I'll fire up the van!

Ha ha ha!

So, we're going to pre-record the voice-overs.

-Could you put your earpiece in?

-Sure.

Coming up on today's live Blue Peter...

Whoa!

Stay there, Mate. Off you go, Wilf!

-Off we go!

-Why are there no lights?

This is an outrage!

This is weird!

I'll just reverse.

Please welcome today's special guest, Barney Harwood!

Ah, I might have known it'd be you.

Well, I'd like to say it's been a pleasure being bundled into the back of a van,

driven at high speed and then kicked out into your studio.

Ha ha! Thought you'd like it!

Well, since you're here, then, Barney you can be my guest today!

Er... I don't know.

Well, I could always book Helen Skelton instead.

I bet she'd be very good. Oh, Helen!

You're so talented and beautiful...

Yeah, all right, you don't have to do that. OK, I'll stay!

Ha ha, in that case, make yourself useful and pull that lever.

I've put together some visual imagery to tell the viewers

about your long career.

-If there's embarrassing photos, I won't be happy.

-I cannot promise it!

-Pull that lever!

-That one?

-Not that one, the other one!

Barney Harwood is that bloke that's always on the telly.

He was born in Blackpool before time began.

Barney started on CBBC so long ago

that his first show was called Woolly Mammoth Behaving Badly.

'Woolly Mammoth, did you just leave the freezer door open and cause the ice age?'

'Sorry, Barney.' 'Oh, Woolly Mammoth!'

COMEDY TRUMPET

Barney hosted Prank Patrol,

playing tactical jokes on members of the public, much like the practical jokes

his hairdresser has been playing on him all this time.

Oh. At least he dresses well.

What a mooey! Nowadays, he's on Blue Peter.

Wrong Barney!

Anyway, on Blue Peter, they do loads of daredevil challenges, you know.

Helen has kayaked the Amazon, and trekked to the South Pole.

And Barney has... Interviewed Pixie Lott in a warm studio.

Oh, terrifying(!) Well done, Barney.

I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, Barney Harwood. Good, eh, Barney?

Well, well shot, and everything,

but the mammoth thing isn't entirely true.

I think the haircuts thing, though, is pretty true. What was I doing?

-I don't know what you been thinking. So then. Mr Barney Harwood.

-Yes.

You're famous and on the telly...

-Right.

-..and Steve Backshall wasn't available,

-so I'm now going to interview you.

-How nice(!)

You've been on CBBC for over 10 years.

-Yeah.

-When are you going to grow up and get a proper job?

I love it here. This is a proper job!

-You've presented on Prank Patrol, right?

-Yes.

-Barney's Barrier Reef.

-Yes.

-Blue Peter, Basil's Swap Shop,

Bear Behaving Badly - and LOADS of other stuff.

Can't you hold down one job, man! You've no staying power! You're no value!

I know, it's a huge failing, I'm so sorry. I'll stick to one show from now on.

-Is that all right?

-Thank you.

-All right.

-Now, you're a good photographer, aren't you?

-Well, I suppose so.

Have you ever photographed something like THIS?!

I am some sort of non-disclosed limb of meat. I'm beautiful!

Would I make a good subject, Barn?

You might do. I did once take a picture of some sheep, which is close to a leg of lamb.

It was for a campaign about how they keep warm in winter,

it's called central bleating. Ha ha ha!

What an interesting man(!) Good day!

Next question. You have won a BAFTA award for best presenter.

-I have not.

-There's a reason.

-Can I swap you something for it?

Let's see what you've got to offer.

I've created a statue of you out of my brother Dodge's bellybutton fluff.

Remove the spangly cloths, and you shall see what I have fashioned.

-Oh, I'm doing it?

-Course you are.

-You're supposed to have a beautiful assistant.

-FANFARE

There you are! I am Barmy. What do you reckon? Swapsies?

-You want me to swap this for my BAFTA?

-I wouldn't say no.

-No.

Very interesting questions, I'm sure you'll agree.

Now, what am I doing next? Oh, yes! Let's go to the phones.

We've got some callers on the line who want to speak to you.

-Pick up your phone, Barney.

-All right. Hello?

Hello! Love you, Barney!

Hey! All right, Nev! I love you too, mate.

-Miss you!

-Don't worry, I'm only at work. I do miss you, though.

You know what, Nev? I never say this to you,

-but you're the best animal I've EVER worked with!

-Aww!

Hey! Wait a minute! What about me?

I'm the best animal, Barney! I'm the best animal, not him!

Nev?

I think the line's gone dead, Barney. How curious!

Now, Barney. You have all the best guests on Blue Peter, don't you?

True, yes. Pixie Lott was great, as you saw earlier.

Met the Queen, as well. She was brilliant.

They're all right. They're OK.

But I was thinking more about the time

that I appeared on the show live from Wigan Market.

I'm pretty sure that never happened.

Barnaby! Of course it did! I have evidence and that.

Look at it!

-Are you there?

-I am, cocker!

Down Wigan meat market, buying said meats.

-Brilliant!

-It is, cockers.

The griddle pans are sizzling, the crowds are huge,

it's like a sauna of meat-related joy in here.

How do you manage in that kind of temperature?

I just pack a moist towelette, Barney.

What's he asking me that for?

What about simple things like going to the loo? How do you do that?

Barnaby! I hardly think that's relevant.

What kind of question is that to ask a guest?

I don't know what filth you talk on Blue Peter,

but potty talk is not for me.

Good day to you, sir! Oh!

-Ha ha! What do you think of that?

-That was a conversation I had with Helen Skelton when she was

in the South Pole, and you've made it awful by talking about potty talk.

Meat produce.

Now, Barney Harwood, thank you very much. There'll be more from him later.

But first, I thought I'd show you my collection of rare and exotic combs.

No, you're not! It's my turn!

-Eh?

-It's my bit now. Derek Time!

Not this again.

But you promised!

Well I've changed my mind!

OK, then. But if you don't want me to do it,

then I'll have to show the viewers at home...

..the photograph!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Not... The photograph!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Does that happen every time I say 'the photograph?'

DRAMATIC MUSIC

What's all this about? I'm only saying 'photograph!'

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I've got it! Just don't say 'photograph'.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, bodges! Take it away, Derek.

I need a lie down. It's Derek Time!

Ho ho! It's Derek Time! Hee hee!

Hello, Derek fans! It's me, top-notch showbiz personality, Derek McGee.

Today on Derek Time - we haven't got time to show you the tortoise

who was refused entry to an exclusive cat restaurant.

Oh, my gosh! You are so going to break that door.

Or the gecko who got scared watching the Twilight Saga.

'Aaaargh!'

But we HAVE got time for today's top clip.

Now, we've all heard of camouflage, but what about cat-oflage?

Boo! Hoo-hoo, surprise!

Ha-ha-ha, it's funny because it's a cat.

That's all for me....for now.

I'm off for a warm bun and a cup of melted cheese.

Back to Hacker in the studio!

Who keeps letting that man on my show?

I'm meant to be the star of this! I don't even pay him!

Oh, hello there.

What a fascinating insight, Derek. Thank you very much.

Now, Barney.

-Yes.

-I remember when you and that dead good comedian Tim Minchin

wrote that song about me...

-Yeah, it was good, wasn't it?

-It weren't bad, yeah.

But let's have a little look at it, please. Hit that switch, Hardboard!

OK.

# It's hard being Hacker

# But the only shot I got

# Was a flea shot in the butt

# A little self-control is all I need. #

Hey, presto, a song about a top dog.

Ah, what a lovely man.

And to thank you, I thought I'd do a little song about you. Ha-ha!

Yay-hey! Hit it!

# Barney Harwood, what a man

# He is dead good, got a tan

# Hosted Prank Patrol and drove a van

# Plays guitar, photographer He's done it all

# I very much hope he doesn't bore you to tears

# Cos he's been on CBBC for the past ten years

# From time to time he's sported a beard

# Or a jaunty trilby hat

# Oh-ho

# Barney Harwood's won awards

# Filmed some TV shows abroad

# He's my favourite I hope he's yours

# But he's not as good as me...

# Barney! #

-What d'you think, Barn?

-You know what, that was genius.

-Ha-ha, thanks! What a lovely man.

-Do you know what I liked about it?

-What?

You're back to the old school. You've gone for a bit of swing,

everyone can join in at home and sing the words,

-they're dead simply written...

-I am quite simple.

What utter garbage this show is!

I must write a letter of complaint to the BBC.

-Benjamin, write this down!

-Yeah, OK, Frank!

Ahem. "Dear The BBC,

"why must you insist on screening this Hacker Time filth?"

-Are you writing this down?

-Yes, Frank.

-OK.

"Why do you think songs about hairy presenters

is acceptable entertainment?"

-Benjamin, are you writing this down?

-Sure am, Frank.

-OK.

W-w-wait, your pencil doesn't seem to be moving very much,

are you sure you're getting all of this?

Every last bit, Frank.

OK, so to be clear, you've written every last bit of this down?

-Yes!

-Let's have a look, then.

-BENJAMIN GIGGLES

-What do you think?

Hey? "This!"

BENJAMIN!

-Hacker.

-What?

-Did you hear something?

-Hear something? Oh, no.

I was too busy trying to remember why I bothered getting you on this show.

-Oh, charming!

-Yeah. Onwards! Do the menu thing, Derek!

Yes, Mr Hacker. One menu coming up. Hoo-hoo! Oh...

PHRRT!

Oh, Derek!

Sorry, Lolly. It just slipped out.

Still to come, things get messier,

-smellier...

-PHRRT!

-Mister Bitt!

-..and naughtier.

-Ouch! Be nice!

So sit back and buckle up!

Come to my soft seating area, Barney.

-I would love to sit in your soft seating area.

-Thank you.

-Now, Mr Harwood.

-Yes, mate.

Blue Peter of yesteryear have always been famous for making stuff

and saying this phrase, "Here's one I made earlier."

-Will you say it for me now, please?

-Sure. Here's one I made earlier.

-Good, where is it?

-Where's what?

-The one you made earlier.

-I didn't make one.

-Didn't make one what?

-I don't know, cos I didn't make it.

-Then why did you say you made one?

-Because you...

-Silence!

I'm off to find some people who'll help me make things

like a real Blue Peter presenter would. Now you stay there!

And don't think about nicking anything,

cos all the furniture's been nailed down!

Here we go!

-You all right, everyone?

-Hi, Hacker!

Now, I need your help to be a proper Blue Peter presenter,

unlike Barney Harwood! Do you see my running sidekick here,

Harry Tongue? I made him out of simple everyday objects.

Do you think you can do the same and make your own sidekicks,

-only not as good as Harry?

-Yes!

-Very well!

Herman, bring in the box o' stuff!

Here you go, Hacker. Here's zoom-z-z-argh!

CLATTER

Oh, I'm in pain.

-What's that called?

-Boogie.

-Boogie! Make him dance.

This is me dancing. La-la-la-la! La-la-la. La-la-la-la-la!

-Boo!

-Boo!

-Agh!

-W-w-w... I'll boo you back! Boo!

-Boo!

-Agh! Boo!

-Boo!

Now, look. What've you got there?

-Harry Swong.

-Harry Swong? Oh, hold him up nice.

-What does he do?

-Karate.

-Show me some of his karate moves.

Ow! Right on me schnoz, that. That's not nice, is it?

-What's your one?

-Parpy Pants.

Parpy Pants? What's that mean?

PHRRT!

He makes trouser sounds?!

Ooh, I would never do that, would I?

PHRRT!

-Ewww!

-Meat.

-It does smell of meat.

So what have we learned today?

Number one, we've all made some new friends - literally.

Number two, Harry Tongue sticks to a flip chart rather easily.

And number three, cress is a foodstuff.

Thanks for all your help, everyone. These look fantastic.

-See ya!

-Bye!

Now I must get back to the studio.

I bet it's really dull there without me.

UP-TEMPO SALSA MUSIC

Yoo-hoo! I'm back, don't worry, I'm back!

Hold on, stop that! Stop the music, please!

Fix the lights! What's going on here, then?

How dare you lot have fun while I'm not around?

I've been out doing work things, trying to be informative and that,

and you look are carrying on like a bunch of mooeys!

I think you better apologise to me.

-ALL: Sorry, Hacker.

-Louder! And mean it!

-Sorry, Hacker.

That's better! Oh, I'm furious, you pesky costumed characters.

Am I going to get...

Derek, play some Howlers while I sort this nonsense out!

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh...

-Oh, it's you. Oh, my knee...

Oh, sorry. Oh, it's you. Hi, you all right?

It's the big watch that does it!

Right, still to come on today's Blue Peter...

No, you're not on the Pet Show. Wow!

They're having a fight about who's on the Pet Show.

Warning, dog may shake.

-Yes.

-Are you going to shake, Luce?

No, you're going to try and run away!

Hang on, OK...

OK, now, you can towel dry. Come back!

Oh, these are going to be quite shallow bulbs, aren't they?

It means you can get more chocolate in them.

Do we have smaller balloons? It's going to be difficult not to,

because of the size of the balloon.

CHEERING

Right in my eye!

-THEY BOTH LAUGH

-They were good, weren't they, Barney?

Exploding chocolate balloons, don't try it until you get home!

They won't, Barney, don't you worry. So, Barney,

as we've just witnessed, you're not as daring as Helen Skelton.

Well, I suppose not.

I mean, she's pretty. She's broken loads of world records.

She's done amazing and dangerous stuff. And you, well, er...

-you haven't.

-Boo!

Well, you know, I've been here for ten years

and Helen's a fantastic presenter and everything, but...

-I think I can hold my own.

-Oh, yeah?

Well I've devised a little test to see! Herman over the

is holding up a Blue Peter script for you.

-All you've got to do is read the script he's holding up.

-OK.

Well, er, there might be one or two distractions.

That's why you're wearing that boiler suit.

-Yeah, about that...

-What?

-Why does it say Barry on my bottom?

-Herman, it's Barney, not Barry!

-Sorry, Barry!

-Ha-ha!

Right, Barney, you've got to keep up with that script.

But it's going to be going fast. Ha-ha!

-BUZZER

-Go!

OK. Welcome to Blue Peter. On today's show, I'm off to the Arctic

on a very dangerous expedition. I'll put my hat on...

The conditions here in the Arctic can be very bad,

with strong winds, freezing cold temperatures

and sometimes, sudden avalanches of snow?

And there are many more dangers lurking.

If the ice melts, then be careful not to fall in the water.

Cos it's really is very cold.

But I love water! More!

HE GASPS OK, enough of the cold. OK.

For my next trip, I'm going to the jungle.

There are loads of dangerous pests that you can encounter

in the depths of the jungle.

For example, gorillas. Whoa! It's a scary gorilla...

OK, enough of the monkey business!

The jungle is also full of lots of other animals.

But don't get too close,

otherwise strange creepy crawlies might spray

their deadly goo in your face...

Or shed their feathers. BIRD SQUAWKS

OK, I think that's enough of the jungle!

Next on Blue Peter, time for a bit of sport.

I love tennis.

It's a simple sport where you just have to hit the ball

as it comes towards you... Ow!

OK. Thank you.

Great, OK. Fine, thank... Oh, good. Is that all of them?

Thanks(!) Then, when you've had a game of tennis,

you can celebrate your win...

..with a slap-up meal. Ohh....

Yeah, beans. Beans would be lovely(!)

PHRRT! So, that's all from Blue Peter today.

Join us next week when I'll be retelling the story

of Marie Antoinette and Helen will be making a pineapple upside-down cake.

Goodbye.

Ha-ha! Well done, Barney. That was actually adequate, you know.

But you really do need to take more pride in your appearance

if you're going to be a presenter. You look a right mess.

Here, take that towel. Sort yourself out.

-Thank you.

-Ha-ha! While he sorts himself out, let's have a look

at a bit of my dead good acting.

This is The Adventures Of Sherlock Bones.

And today, there's a phantom trumper in town.

Ha, sounds like they're having the same problems as Derek.

Run it! Look at the mess you've made in here.

This is Teapot, where the sun shines and the people are honest.

Except when it doesn't and they're not. Nothing ever goes right here.

So you keep on drilling until the hole is appropriate

to the size of your screw. And that is how you put a screw in a wall.

Ha-ha-ha!

-What's funny?

-You said appropriate!

-What's funny about that?

I don't know.

PHRRT!

-Was that you?!

-No.

Well, it wasn't me. Which means this is a mystery!

Run the dramatic title sequence!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

-Mrs Dew! Am I all right to come in?

-Do.

I will do, Dew. Thank you very much.

I come here on urgent business. I'm investigating a terrible crime.

Sorry to interrupt, I've something important to say to Mrs Dew.

-PHHRT!

-Who was that?!

-Not me.

-Definitely not...me?

Ah, the phantom trumper strikes again.

I must catch this fiend!

DRAMATIC MUSIC RESUMES

I just can't work it out, Dr Watt.

Interesting observation there, Doctor, yeah.

KNOCK ON DOOR Sherlock, I just popped in to say...

-PHRRT!

-Mister Bitt!

Are you sure that's not you? Because I really wouldn't want to find

I've been wasting my invaluable time!

No! No, it wasn't me, no.

Hmm, well, in that case, there's only one person I haven't considered.

Doctor Watt! It must be you!

You must be punished! Argh!

No, please, no, it was me! I'm the phantom trumper!

I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone.

Well, you leave me with no option.

Mister Bitt - you're nicked!

-No, please!

-Come with me!

-I beg for mercy!

-Come on!

Come on, you!

Oh, dear, who'd have thought it, eh?

-I had no idea trumping wasn't a crime.

-Who knew?!

-Yeah, I feel so silly now.

-Do you know what is silly?

-What?

-This!

PHRRT!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

PHRRT!

PHRRT! PHRRT!

LAUGHTER

Well, now we know. Trumping isn't a crime.

Anyway, Barney, have you had a lovely time today?

I have had a good time. Well, apart from fact you threw beans at me.

-Oh, yeah!

-Then you sang a song about me and said you were better than me.

All right, that's enough! I'm bored of you now anyway, Barney.

-I think you should leave.

-Leave? No, hang on, before I do,

We were talking about amazing photography skills earlier on.

Well, I've done a Blue Peter calendar

and it displays all of my photos in it.

-You could download it and have it for yourself.

-Nah!

-I've got my own calendar up already. Look, it's over there.

-Oh, yeah.

That's my long-running friend and sidekick

Harry Tongue in the picture. Have you met Harry yet?

-I haven't, no.

-I'm sure he's around here somewhere.

Let's have a little look. Harry! Harry Tongue!

-Oh, hang on... Hacker.

-Harry Gue!

Oh... Oops.

Harry! No! He was so young!

He had so much left to give.

Right, that's it Barney!

-Time for you to leave! Get out!

-Sorry.

-You've damaged Harry Tongue!

-At least he can play squash now.

-Get out!

-Sorry.

What a lovely man. Right, I'm glad he's gone now,

because right now I'm going to show you some of the best LOLs

from around the world.

It's time for Hacker's Top 5 Presenting Howlers!

At 5, it's the classic Blue Peter moment

where Andy's trying to operate a mechanical bike.

Check this out. It's an eRanger. Ohh...

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

I knew it! I knew it!

Humans and their fickle machines!

At 4, this weather lady is literally getting covered in weather.

Be careful, love, it's raining! Oh, no, it's inside-out!

You'll never get your money back! In at 3,

-time for a spot of cooking.

-I'm going to stick that...

Andy, no. Not after the motorbike.

-Like this.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

She's really dropped the ball there. The doughball, that is!

Ha-ha-ha! Who writes this up?

At 2, TV favourite Steve Backshall with a peregrine falcon.

Oh, let's just hope it doesn't poo!

Over the years, the absolute bane of my life

has been people complaining...

about peregrines pooing on the ground while they're talking. Thank you!

Just completely upstaged me!

And at 1, what else but some naughty dogs attacking presenters? Ha!

-Ouch!

-Here we go. Now, those two look like they need a good wash.

Give her a good licking! Go on, that's it! Lick her forehead!

But be careful, don't get dog hair on the chairs!

No, don't jump. Don't jump! LAUGHTER

What are they like?!

You wouldn't catch me jumping up at Barney Harwood.

Unless of course he's got a bit of wafer-thin ham on his chin!

Anyway, that's all we've got time for today.

I've had my nic nacs in on a short cycle,

so I need to get back home and hang them out to dry.

Thanks to Barney Hardboard for joining me today

and banging on about Blue Peter like he does. I'll see you next time.

But for now, here's my dead good song. Good day to ye!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I found

# Watch again next time cos I got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!

# Barney Harwood, Blue Peter bloke popped in and got involved

# We had a chat, I sang a song

# And then I covered him in nonsense and it was comedy gold!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

Oh, not you! Oh...