Gerran Howell and Clare Thomas Hacker Time

# You got to watch this

# You got to watch this

# You got to watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"

# Thank you for watching me, it's telly but not what you normally see

# Feels good, there's outtakes too Comedy gets eclipsed, it's true

# Sit back, don't move too much This is the show you can't touch

# Stop. Hacker time. #

Thank you.

Standby, studio. On air in 20 seconds.

Wooooo!

Hello? Who's there?

Wooooooo!

Who's there?!

Boo! You're all right, folks! It's me!

I'm just getting in the mood for today's spooky special.

Derek! Never do that again!

Lolly! Get off me! Stop it!

Oooh! Cue Hacker!

You all right?

Ow, me nose!

This isn't going right! Herman, bring on the bats!

Yes, Mr Hacker.

-What's that?!

-A bat!

I meant the animal bat, not a cricket bat!

Ooh, right, er, sorry, Mr Hacker.

Ouch! Me spinal column! Derek, do the menu.

-Ooh, er, yes, Mr Hacker! Press that.

-OK.

Coming up today: Scary children, vampire dogs...

Oooh, yes!

..and evil cats.

That's going to bruise!

Anyway, as I was trying to demonstrate,

today's programme is a spooky, vampire-themed special.

I predict my guests will be dropping in shortly.

Wilf, Herman, go get 'em!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I'll fire up the van.

Ha, ha, ha!

Well, he gets slayed. Gutted. It was always going to happen.

-Can't believe they put that in there.

-Always going to happen.

-Stay there, folks. Off you go, Wilf.

-Off we go.

I'll just reverse it.

Please welcome today's special guests, Gerran and Clare,

aka Vlad and Ingrid from Young Dracula!

Hi, Hacker. Any reason you just had us thrown into the back of a van?

I thought you could be guests today on Hacker Time!

I'm doing a spooky special. I've been practising a spooky voice.

-Do you want to hear it?

-Go on then.

(IN LOW VOICE) Hello, welcome to Hacker Time. It's rather good.

Don't judge me and don't leave.

Thank you very much. What do you think?

It's quite good but I don't think that's enough reason to make us stay.

I've based the whole episode of Hacker Time today

around your programme.

That's good but still not going to cut it.

-I've got Harry Tongue.

-Harry Tongue?!

I love Harry Tongue! Could you get me an autograph?

-Yeah, I suppose I could.

-We'll stay!

-Right then, folks.

I've prepared something about you pair for people at home

who may not know or indeed care about who you are.

-Gerran, pull that lever.

-This one?

-Not that one, the other one!

-This big one.

-Good work.

Gerran and Clare act in Young Dracula on CBBC.

They're lovely people and they've never met a dog as nice as me.

Hold on, I'm top dog round here.

They've starred in Young Dracula now for quite a few years.

Clare, you must have earned enough money by now to buy a new skirt.

That one's been a right mess since you put it on hot wash by accident.

At least they come from a happy family. Oh, come on, guys,

let's try another family photo.

Oh, heck, what a load of miserable moo-ies.

At least Clare is a sensible girl, isn't she?

Although that didn't stop her gluing her hands together.

Look at the state of this. Oh, well. Gerran is more clever.

He loves to read books. Hang on, there's nothing in that, Gerran,

although he does have a very interesting back of his head.

Look, they're enthralled by it.

Now, Gerran and Clare, oh, sorry, that's just a picture of an avocado.

That reminds me to get one of those on the way home.

I'm delighted Gerran and Clare are here today.

-All you ever do is lie to me.

-No, I don't, I do need the avocado.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gerran and Clare,

aka whatsit and thingy from Young Dracula.

-Did you enjoy that?

-Rubbish.

Yeah, yeah, but apart from that it was bang on!

I do have an interesting back of head.

It is lovely. You've done a good job with that.

Anyway, you two have a lot of fans out there.

Not as many as I have, obviously.

There's still a few people who want to hear you blathering on a bit.

I shall now conduct an interview!

You have dead good special effects on Young Dracula,

so I've decided Hacker Time should give you a run for your money.

I am now going to dart around the studio at high speed.

Watch me go! Run, run, run.

You all right, cocker? I am Hacker and that.

Run, run, run. Lightning speed there.

-What do you think of that, Gerran?

-That wasn't you.

I think you'll find it was me, young fellow.

Clare, do you like to look at old embarrassing photos of yourself

from when you were younger?

-No.

-Well, I do. Let's have a little look at them.

-Oh, no!

What are you wearing? Look at the state of that.

Is that a tablecloth or something?

-Oh, no!

-Let's have a look at the next one. Still two.

Oh, no!

-What are you doing there?

-What a disgrace. What were you thinking of?

-I was about to go down the bogey hole.

-That's what they all say.

-Image three. Look at the state of that.

-Oh, no!

What on earth have you done to Doc Martin?

-He's fallen in some manure, I think.

-He's covered in residue.

Now, I'm not the only one who wants to ask you ridiculous questions.

There are some big Young Dracula fans on the phone

who want to know more. Pick up your phones.

Clare, elevate the antenna for maximum reception.

Who's on line one?

-Hello. Is that Hacker T Dog?

-Yes it is. What's your question?

Question?

No, I'm phoning to inform you that you are late

paying your electricity bill.

You're two months behind and if you don't pay soon,

we're going to cut you off.

Oh budgies!

You offered to pay in string last time, and I've looked into it

and can confirm that that is not a valid payment option.

Oh, no. Hang up, guys, quick! Hang up!

That's all gone adrift, hasn't it? Let's do something else.

Gerran, what do you think the scariest moment has been

in Young Dracula thus far?

-Renfield's teeth are quite scary.

-Oh, yes. What about you, Clare?

We did an episode last year where we had a big mirror

with gargoyles around it, which were fairly terrifying.

Good answers, guys. Top draw work. You've done me proud.

I'm going to show you my scariest bit now. You'll like this.

Look at that.

SONG: "MACARENA"

Not expecting that.

-What do you think, Cocker?

-That was brilliant.

You should've put that in. Would've made it better.

Right, next on Hacker Time,

I'm going to do a small presentation about staples. Lesson one.

Sorry, Mr Hacker, but that's not going to happen.

It's time for my part of the show now!

We've been through this, Derek.

You cannot have your own section of my show!

I'm in charge.

I guess I'll just have to show the viewers at home the photograph.

Not the photograph!

On second thoughts,

I could do with putting my feet up for a couple of minutes.

Yes, you take the reins. Cheers, Derek.

Here we go then, Derek fans.

Time for your favourite part of the show.

Whoooooo! It's Derek Time.

It's a spooky Derek Time today but we've not got time to show you

the cat that has turned to the dark side...

CAT MOANS

..or when he broke out and scared off a family of geese.

Bird time! Bird time! Bird time!

You leave them alone! They're in a protected area.

Now, it's time for today's scariest clip.

And clips don't get much scarier than this.

Look out! It's the dog people!

Look at their exquisite table manners.

Hold on a minute, have they been shaving their hands?

Ooh, I need a lie down and a ginger biscuit after that.

Back to you, Hacker. Oooooh!

I want him gone, Herman! He's an outrage to all the senses.

Oh hello! Thanks, Derek. Fascinating as usual. Now where was I?

Oh, yes. Is everything all right for you, Gerran and Clare?

The light isn't too bright, is it?

I know you vampires aren't keen on too much daylight.

-You all right? Don't worry.

-No, no, Hacker. We're fine.

We're not actually real vampires.

-You're not?

-No, we just play vampires in Young Dracula.

It's all pretend really.

Oh, I see. I thought you were vampires and that.

It's the story of my life actually.

I'd love to meet a vampire and I've been let down.

There's only one way I can redeem this and that is sing about my woes

by the medium of song. Hit it.

# Over the years I've gotten around

# And witnessed some extraordinary sights

# Like a self conscious stoat A bohemian goat

# And an anxious cow in Stoke wearing tan-coloured tights

# Played tiddlywinks with the Egyptian sphinx

# And holidayed in Rhyl with swans

# Seen a cat throw a pot Met a cross-stitching fox

# And made an oxtail soup with a lizard called Don

# My life has been somewhat eclectic

# No-one knows that more than me

# But I'm still feeling rather unfulfilled

# There remains one thing I'd like to see

# Sure an ape would be great if it baked me a cake

# But I'm afraid that's not enough for me

# Cos the one final thing left to which I aspire

# Is to meet a real vampire. #

Did somebody want me?

A vampire! A real orange vampire. With a big cape on.

I'm frightened. I'm frightened of that vampire.

It looks like it might have been called Claude or something.

Right! I've had enough of this show. I'm writing a complaint.

Benjamin! Take a letter!

OK, Frank!

Dear the BBC,

I feel I must express my disgust at the latest episode of Hacker Time.

It promised to be a spooky, vampire-themed show.

But the only scary things in it are the jokes. Benjamin?! Benjamin?!

Where have you gone? I specifically told you to take a letter!

And that's just what I did!

But that belongs to the alphabet!

Uh-oh! I've done a bad-bad!

Benjamin! Benjamin! Benjamin!

Did you just hear something?

Yeah, I did. Did you, Hacks?

I wouldn't worry, it's probably just a crowd of my adoring fans!

Right then, viewers, don't go anywhere cos there's plenty to come.

It's at least as badly thought through as what you've already seen.

Derek, the menu!

Still to come on today's spooky Hacker Time.

Scary dancing, horrifying acting...

-Help me, Father, I think the end is nigh.

-And a really freaky lemur.

What a top drawer selection of treats still to come.

So, Gerran and Clare.

Sometimes, young Dracula's a bit scary.

-So I want to see if you two can pull scary faces?

-Scary faces, OK.

That's a no, then!

I barely made any lav-lav when you did that.

But I think I do know some people who can do it a lot better.

Talk amongst yourselves, cockers! I'm off! Noooo, yes!

Here we go.

-You all right, cockers?

-Hi, Hacker.

-Are you all right?

-Could you lot teach me how to pull a scary face?

-Yes.

-Go on then.

Oh, madam, stop it, yes, no! Herman, bring in the box of stuff.

Here you go, Hacker. Here's your box. Would someone get help?

-Oh, what are you meant to be?

-A zombie.

-A zombie?

What do zombies do?

Ah, no, it's a zombie. It's a zombie! Oh, hello.

-What are you meant to be?

-Bird monster.

Bird monster, that's not funny. I'm not frightened of birds.

I am frightened of clowns. Argh, a clown bird monster!

The worst type.

-Oh, look, are you Barry Chuckle?

-No.

-What can you do that is frightening?

This.

How are you doing that? Where's the bits of string?

I don't understand how it works. Physics frightens me.

I understand that mumble language. I'll just translate it.

I am a vampire. A vampire? No, don't bite me, no, no, no, get off us!

Just acting, folks.

A pig rabbit weasel monster.

What sort of noise do you make?

-Piggy oink, oink.

-Piggy oink, oink? That's terrifying.

I'm frightened of the pig rabbit weasel monster.

-What are you meant to be?

-A werewolf.

-A werewolf.

-Can you howl like this?

-No.

-No? You can't howl?

-No.

What can you do?

I can do that.

What a beautiful sight. Good day to you.

So, what have we learnt today? Number one, people have faces.

Number two, some of those faces are really scary.

Number three, I like raisins. So sweet and lovely.

-Thanks for all your help, everyone. See ya.

-Bye, Hacker.

Right, I'm off back to the studio. I'm sure there'll be missing me.

# Oh what an atmosphere

# I love a party with a happy atmosphere

# So let me take you there

# And you and I'll be dancing in the cool night air... #

Yoo-hoo! I'm back!

What's going on? Stop the music, please.

Stop that dancing. Get the lights back to the original setting.

What's going on? You're not allowed to have fun without me!

That's one of my favourite songs!

-Did you not like the dancing?

-It wasn't bad.

What are these costumed characters doing here again?

-I genuinely don't know.

-I think you had better apologise to me.

-Sorry, Hacker.

-And you, costumed characters.

-Sorry, Hacker.

That's better. You two have let me right down.

You're going to make my TV show look like a low-budget shambles.

-But it is a low-budget shambles.

-Oh, yes!

-See.

-Perfect. Run some howlers, Derek.

Look here. We've got some EastEnders sat down in the outside world.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, look, an electrical storm in Walford.

Who'd have thought it?

Look here, that woman's clearing up. Yes, she is.

Oh, she's broke some of her valuables now.

-More Eastenders.

-CRASHING

-Oh, it's him.

-Den, Shhh!

By any measure, I'd say that is a success.

-You've dropped your picture now.

-That was my picture.

I know, I said that.

It's pretty creepy and eerie.

Oh, look, Konnie was startled by her mummy.

Not her mummy. Don't attack him!

What LOLs, eh?

Gerran and Clare,

I have brought you here to take part in my latest dramatic masterpiece.

-Is that why we're wearing curtains?

-I've put together a script for you.

It's for a fabulous new CBBC drama called Young Hackula.

Young Hackula? Isn't that just a poor rip off of Young Dracula?

Er, well, yes, it is. What's your problem?

Just read your script out, you'll love it! Scene one.

Ingrid. I've had another vision. It's the slayers.

-They're after us again!

-But Vlad, where shall we run?

-We've got nowhere left to go.

-You all right, cockers! Do not fear!

I am Count Hackula, your father! I will help and that. Ooh, yes!

Father, what do you need to rid ourselves from the slayers?

-A stake?

-Ooh, yes!

Medium rare, please, with chips and a peppercorn sauce.

Oooh, madam!

-That doesn't make sense!

-Yes, it does!

You meant stake, like vampires have.

I meant steak, like the meat produce!

-It's a gag, it's a joke!

-But Young Dracula isn't a comedy!

You're not kidding, love!

It needs a few laughs to give it a bit of a boost!

Scene two.

Count Hackula. You are so wise and good looking.

Ooh, thanks Vlad! You're not so bad yourself!

What else will deter the slayers from reaching us?

Well, there is an ancient vampire saying.

If there's one thing slayers fear more than anything else,

it's oranges. Only if it's a blood orange.

Blood orange. Do you get it? It's a joke.

One more scene to go. You'll like this one. Scene three.

Oh, I'm becoming weak. My powers are fading!

Help me, Father, I think the end is nigh!

What's up with you, man? You're a vampire.

You should enjoy a good coffin. Do you get it?

Coffin. It's like coughing.

But a coffin is also what dead people go in. It's a joke.

-Do you get it?

-This is getting worse!

-Who wrote this rubbish?!

-Me!

Hey, FANGS for taking part, guys.

I knew I can COUNT on you.

Hey, love. Don't BAT your eyelids at me!

Right, I've had enough. Stop this. Stop it!

Hacker, this is a load of rubbish!

We are professional actors and you're making us look really silly.

Wait! Don't go!

You've not seen the bit where I change into a bat. Look at this.

-I'm a bat, I'm a bat.

-That's just Harry Tongue with wings on.

Right, that does it. I'm sick of this.

Harry Tongue has been destroyed. I'm giving up being Young Hackula.

The hair's not my style anyway.

I'm going to stick to acting in my top drawer drama series,

Sherlock Bones.

And in honour of today's spooky theme,

it's got a slightly evil cat in it! Run it!

It was an average day in the town of teapot,

but the strange sense of evil in the air...

-Oi, put that sign back.

-Now, have we got everything?

Milk, check, pillows, check, oh, the milk, it's gone!

Oh, hang on. Maybe this is it.

Oh, no, that's the old milk.

-Did someone say the milk is gone?

-Yes, I did.

Have no fear, for I, Sherlock Bones, am quite good at this sort of thing.

Whoever has been thieving will not get away with it. You mark my words.

For nothing escapes my attention.

I am shrewd, perceptive, handsome,

which isn't strictly relevant in this case, but it does help.

-For I have a sixth sense for this type of thing.

-Sherlock, she did it.

-Who?

-Her.

-Meow.

Baroness Von Cat, Teapot's biggest criminal.

I might have known it was you. For there is no one more evil.

I'm just a little kitty.

-Yes, yes, you are.

-You don't fancy her, do you?

-No, of course not.

-She's a cat, an evil, evil cat.

-Then arrest her. I saw her do it.

-Are you sure? She is quite pretty, isn't she?

-You've lost your senses.

-Officer, officer? Arrest this cat.

-I didn't do it.

Well, I didn't do it, so that just leaves you.

That is totally ridiculous. Why would I steal from myself?

-Officer, arrest this man.

-It doesn't make any sense.

-It makes absolutely no sense.

-Take him away.

That just leaves you and me, little lady. What is it to be?

-Cinema or a biryani?

-I don't have time.

I'll be busy robbing you blind.

I promise I won't make you act in any more of my low budget series.

Please stay, don't go. Stay!

You have been such good guests. Don't go.

All right, but this is your last chance, Hacker.

Oh, thanks, guys. This show would be nothing without you two!

Right then, what's next? Oh yes. It's time for you two to leave!

Thanks for coming in. See ya!

But you've just spent the last three minutes talking us into coming back!

Don't worry, turns out I don't need you after all!

-Charming!

-But don't worry.

I've got you two a little present to say thanks for coming on my show.

-You two play vampires, don't you?

-Yeah.

-Who like to drink blood?

-So I've got you....

-Blood?

-Are you sick?! No ,tomato juice!

Make sure you have your five a day in case the slayers come after you.

Right, time for you to leave now. Off you pop!

Bye then!

Come back soon. Not too soon, don't take advantage of my good nature.

Mind your head on the way out.

What lovely people! But I'm glad they've gone.

Because I want to show you some of my favourite

mysterious LOLs from around the world. It's time for

Hacker's top five spooky howlers.

At five, you don't want to mess with this scary nipper. Oooh no!

Oh, look.

Ah, look at his face. He's lovely, isn't he?

What? He's terrified.

He's funny, him. At four, check out this massive spider.

You might find it scary, but it doesn't bother me.

Is it over yet?! Oh no!

In at three, do you think snowmen are cute and lovely? I do!

Oh, look, a startling snowman.

He's armless, look. He's armless!

At two, this lemur can't believe he's been given a part

in Hacker Time.

Eurgh! Look at his big saucepan eyes!

At one, this clip is so terrifying.

I'm going to leave you to watch it alone.

It's frightening. Wash your hands, love.

Wash them.

Thank goodness that's over!

I won't want to look in the mirror the next time I'm in the lav-lav.

Right then, that's all we've got time for today.

Thanks for watching my well good show.

I'm off now to gloss my skirting boards.

I'll see you next time unless I get a better offer, obviously.

I'll leave you today with my catchy little ditty.

G - g - g - g - see ya!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# And we've been LOLing at some clips I found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of funny stuff it'll be top drawer!

# Two of the stars of Young Dracula popped in to join the fun

# They did some acting they were rather good

# It all went wrong when Gerran squashed Harry Tongue

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Fangs for watching! Ooh, yes!