Ed Petrie Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Hacker Time 2 on air in 15, 14...

You'll like the opening of the show today.

It's a cracker. It's going to be the biggest and best one we've done.

I've been baking for weeks and it's cost me a fortune...

..Four, three, two, one...

-Oh, no. It's going to go totally wrong, in't it?

-Yeah.

-Hold it!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hacker Time.

Making a grand entrance, emerging from a cake,

please welcome Hacker T Dog!

Mr Hacker, Mr Hacker, Mr Hacker? Oh, heck, oh!

Mr Hacker! Mr Hacker, hello!

Are you in there, Mr Hacker? Oh!

If Mr Hacker's not in THIS cake, then which cake is he in?

Hello? Hello! Anyone!

How did I get in here? Help me, help me! Please help me. Oh!

CHOMPING

-Oh, bodges...

-BURPING

Derek, do the menu quick! I'll see you on the other side.

Or out the other end. Oh...

That won't be pleasant. Urgh!

Coming up on Hacker Time today we've got cake eating...

-Cake ruining...

-I'm going as fast as I can. It's quite difficult.

And songs about cakes... # My sweet Pavlova! #

Don't go anywhere, cake lovers!

Thanks for the lift, sir! Do not worry, fans, I've made it.

And just in time for today's programme. Starring CBBC royalty.

I'll give you a clue. It's not Harry Tongue.

Wilf, Herman, get him!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I'll fire up the van.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's Dave here, mate. Off you go, Wilf.

-Off we go.

-Let me out of here!

Let me out!

Reversing.

Please welcome today's special guest. It's Ed Petrie. Hacker Time!

-Oh, not this.

-Oh, yes, this.

I've captured you and forced you onto my show. Surprise!

You promised if I was in your rubbish dramas,

Sherlock Bones and Downstairs Abbey, you wouldn't do this.

-That was a lie. Surprise!

-I'm not having this.

-Wilf, take me back, please.

-Ed. Ed. Wilf... Wilf can't do that.

What? Why not?

-Because...he's not with us any more.

-Oh, no, what happened to him?

He popped round the back to t'lavvy.

The motion of the van makes him feel the need.

Keeping you here will be a struggle with your spindly legs.

However, I know your sweet tooth is one of your traits,

so I've laid out an ice-cream spread for you.

-Get your noshers round that.

-I do like ice-cream.

-I know.

-That's gone all over the place.

That's All Over The Place with me, Ed Petrie, on CBBC.

Oi! You haven't come here to plug your back catalogue of programmes.

Sorry. Actually, I will stay. It's amazing you've got your own show.

I'd have said that was Transmission Impossible with me, Ed Petrie.

It used to be on CBBC. Ask your older siblings.

No plugging your shows, not even the ones that were on ages ago!

Pull that lever, so we can see a fact file about you that I made.

-This lever?

-Yes, that lever.

-I pull it and you can see a clip?

-Yeah.

Wow, that is an Excellent Invention. Starring me, Ed Petrie, on CBBC.

Stop that right now! You pull that lever or so help me, Petrie,

I'll marry your mum and dad!

Oh, no I've done it myself! Just pull the lever!

Ed Petrie is a CBBC presenter

who was voted 303rd best presenter on CBBC.

When he first started at CBBC

he spent a lot of his time pointing at cacti.

In the first few years, pointing was all that he did.

Hmm! Halloa-lickle-a-molo.

Which means "Will you stop pointing at me" in Cactinian. What a mooey!

Ed was first discovered when they dug up an ancient Egyptian tomb.

I don't know who thought to put that face on television. He's hideous!

For a short time he wanted to be a singer,

but Simon Cowell said his singing was a total disgrace, so he gave up.

Now he earns his crust by dressing up and looking a total disgrace.

Here he is pretending to be on a safari in a budget way.

And here he is again. Oh, what's that? Eurgh!

Take us to the next picture quick. Eurgh!

Phew. Here he is dressing up with clowns and looking a bit weird.

Does he really get paid to do this? And here he is dressing up again...

Oh, not again! Eurgh! Avert your gaze! Oh, I can't take it any more!

Fortunately, all this horrific dress-up is long in his past

and he's now become much more sensible.

CHEERING

So that's everything you need to know

about Edward Oliver James Alan Petrie. Oh, yes, Mr Petrie.

What as mildly interesting life you've led.

However, none of that matters.

I am now about to conduct one of my trademark irrelevant interviews.

Question number one. You used to work in the CBBC office.

Only to be replaced by me. Is that because I am betterer than you?

-Well...

-Don't bother answering that.

-No...

-We know the answer.

I am far superior. Ahem!

Let's talk about your more recent projects.

You present All Over The Place

for which you have literally been all over the place.

I wanted to ask this - if Wilf took me out in the van on a Saturday

and took junction 16 off the M6, where would we end up?

Er... Coventry?

No, the correct answer was Stoke via Audley.

What if Wilf took me on a weekend spa break

and exited at junction four off the M25 heading north,

where would he be taking me?

-We try and show children diverse...

-No. The correct answer is Bromley.

On the way home Wilf's taken a terrible wrong turn.

We're on the M9, I'm livid, the van's fast running out of power

and Derek is busting for a widdle, so we exit at junction 12,

but where on earth are we, Petrie? Where are we at that point?

I don't know! I don't know about motorways. It's boring!

-We're in Stirling.

-Oh, really? I wouldn't have thought that.

It's funny. Let's move on.

That's not the only great show you've done for CBBC.

Shall we have a little look back at one of your classic moments.

-Yes, please.

-Good for you. Run the clip, Derek!

-HE TRUMPS

-Ha-ha!

It's not exactly a classic clip. That's me in YOUR drama show.

Hold your horses. This one shows more of your range.

-HE TRUMPS

-Oh, Lord Percy!

Again, that's me in your show, in Hacker Time series one.

I can do more than just trump.

If there's any casting directors watching I can do more than that.

Which is why I've got a nice clip here of you

doing the other thing you're good at.

I can think of no other way to show you my love.

-I will kiss you!

-Huh?!

I do more than just break wind and kiss dogs, honestly.

-I do more than that.

-Oh, yeah? Like what?

Um...

-Come here!

-Oh, oh!

HE TRUMPS

Edward! What was that for?

Um, sorry, I panicked.

-Shall we just gloss over this and go to the phones?

-Yes, yes.

Then collect your handset

and raise your antennae for maximum reception!

-Do you mean, pick up the phone?

-Would you mind?

-Who's on line one?

-'Hi, Hacker, it's Marvin here.'

We need a player for our five-a-side footy team.

-'Are you up for it?'

-Of course. You can always rely on me, The Wanted.

How many times?! We are not The Wanted.

All right, steady on. Don't get your knickers in a twist, One Direction.

We're not them either. We're the multi-award-winning band, JLS.

That's all sorted, then. See you soon, the Jonas Brothers.

Right, that does it, Hacker. You're off the team! Marv, hang up.

-You...

-LINE GOES DEAD

Well, I never liked The Saturdays anyway.

-Hey, Ed, are you any good at football?

-Me?

I've been known to kick a few down the park with the lads.

No, I'm not.

-Hacker, it's time.

-Time for what?

-Derek Time.

-Not this again.

This again. I've got it all ready and I've unplugged your camera. Hoo!

Run the titles, Derek. Oh, that's me. Hoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time. Hee-hee!

Hello again, McGee fans.

Today on Derek Time we HAVEN'T got time to show you

what happens to a cat after it eats dog food.

PANTING LIKE DOG

But we have got time for today's top clip.

Hey, look, he's hitting it.

He's doing it again! He's loving that, in't he? Hoo-hoo!

Twang that spring, Mr Dog.

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

And that concludes this week's Derek Time. Back to you, Hacker. Hoo-hoo!

After this show's over I'm going to go straight up to that man

and tell him he's a real waste of...

Oh, hello. Welcome back.

Thanks, Derek, for that lovely bit of television there.

Definitely not a waste of everyone's time.

So, then, Ed, dear Ed,

dear, sweet Ed, dear, sweet, yet slighty whiffy Ed,

Ed Petrie, Ed Petr-ee, the Petri dish.

Get on with it.

These days you're on a show called Marrying Mum And Dad.

What's that all about?

It's a show where kids ruin and organise their parents' weddings.

Sounds exciting.

You know, I've had a few serious relationships in my time.

There was that thing with Barbara

and I nearly got married once.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You're a dark horse.

-Yes, I am.

It's a tale of longing, romance and a variety of kitchen utensils.

Let me explain this via the medium of song.

Hit it.

MUSIC STARTS

# Long ago I was a lonely pup with no-one in my life

# Then I found a box of eggs so I thought bake a wife

# Step one, separate the egg yolks from the whites

# Step two, whisk away those lonely days and nights

# So I whisked and whisked and whisked and whisked

# And whisked for 20 weeks

# Despite the unnecessary amount of whisking

# The egg whites won't still peak

# Step three, add some sugar to make it really sweet

# Step four, bake that girl on a low consistent heat

# A meringue or am I right?

# She's my bride made of egg white

# My days of loneliness are over

# Now I've got my sweet Pavlova

# Pavlova, oh

# Pavlova, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Pavlova! #

That's beautiful, one of the most romantic stories I've ever heard.

-It is rather, in't it?

-What happened?

Did you get married and live happily ever after?

No, I had nothing in the fridge for tea, so I ate her.

Easy come, easy go, eh, Ed?

Still, every now and then something comes up that reminds me of her.

HACKER BURPS

There's one now.

-That's awful.

-No, she was pretty good.

-You can't do that.

-You can.

Marriage is lifelong commitment, not getting peckish and eating your wife.

Just a little snack.

Argh! That does it. I can't take much more of this, Benjamin.

I need your help to come up with one of our strongly worded letters.

-Yeah, no problem, Fred.

-OK, here goes, then.

Dear the BBC, I must once again complain

about this food-based Hacker Time programme.

If this show was on the menu at a restaurant I would send it back

and then be sick into my own sense of doom.

Benjamin? Why aren't you writing any of this down?

-Writing what down, Fred?

-This!

I asked you to help come up with one of my strongly worded letters.

Uh-oh, I thought you said "strongly worded lettuce."

-Knickers!

-Ooh, that was a strong word.

-Oh, Benjamin!

-Hacker, can you hear something?

-Hear something?

Was it the sound of you getting another CBBC show in the bag?

No, that sounds like this. Yippee!

HE CROWS AND SINGS AND MAKES NONSENSE SOUNDS

Bit weird, that. I think we'd better move on.

There's still plenty more to happen. The menu, Derek, if you will.

Still to come today, lunch gets ruined...

..Sherlock's banged to rights...

Oh, stupid door!

..and Ed gets right on the dog's wick.

-I've got a drama degree. What have you got?

-Fleas!

But I hardly see how that's relevant.

Stay tuned, flowers.

I tell you what, this high-energy fun is making me really hungry.

If you're hungry I've got some snacks in my bag.

-What have you got, Edmund?

-I've got... Ta-da! A rice cake.

Covered in a thin layer of low-fat spread. Delicious and nutritious.

-No, you're all right.

-OK. How about... Ta-da! A handful of seeds.

-Yuck!

-OK, let's be naughty. Two handfuls.

-Right, that does it!

Your healthy, so-called treats are doing nothing to appease my hunger.

This food is nothing to be scoffed at. It's part of a balanced diet.

I need a proper meal right now.

And in know the very people who can provide it. Enjoy your seeds.

Here we go.

Hiya, cockers!

-ALL: Hi, Hacker.

-I need your advice on something.

-Could you give me advice on making fine food?

-Yeah.

Come on, let me hear it. Go!

-Make them precise.

-Anything else?

-Always use the right ingredients.

-And the right amount.

-Eat it, eat it.

-Get tips from Jamie Oliver.

All right, all right, be quiet. That's enough of the advice.

Let's see what you're really like in the kitchen.

Right, cockers, here's your task.

You each have to make a sandwich

but I have thrown in some obstacles.

Firstly, you're blindfolded,

secondly, you can only use one hand,

and thirdly, said hand is tied to that of another person.

Your time starts...now!

WHISTLE

CHILDREN SHOUT

Lots of cream on. Come on.

-BUZZER

-Stop! Time's up.

Let's have a look at the mess you've made of my lunch.

Next pair. Go now!

Come on, work as a team.

Get some more bits on there.

Come on. You're letting yourselves down.

-BUZZER

-Stop! Quit, that's it. Time's up.

That is possibly the finest sandwich I've seen in minutes.

Go!

Look at the muck in here. Get more foodstuffs! Get some foodstuffs!

Oh, what a quality sandwich(!)

-BUZZER

-Stop! Time's up!

Time's up. Let's have a look at the state of that muck.

Look at the state of these sandwiches.

They're messy, rancid and disgusting. I love 'em!

Herman, put 'em in a bag. I'll have 'em later.

Yes, will do, Hackerness.

Thanks for having me. You've been fantastic. See you, cockers.

-Bye, Hacker!

-Now, back to the studio I go.

I hope they're not having too much fun there without me.

MUSIC Whoo-hoo!

HE CHANTS

Yoo-hoo! I'm back!

What's going on here? Stop the music.

You're not allowed to have fun without me here. I'm furious.

-I think you'd all better apologise to me right now.

-ALL: Sorry.

-And you, Petrie.

-I'm sorry, Hacker.

-I'm livid.

I don't know where these have come from.

And why have we got a lemon? The lemon doesn't make sense!

You stand there and think about what you've done.

In the meantime, let's have a look at some LOLs off the telly.

-Petrie, if you look closely you could be in some of these.

-Oh.

-Yes.

Run it, Derek!

'Lovely show, this. Lovely show.

'What could possibly go wrong? Oh, no, look. Oh, what a hot dish.

'James Martin might not singe your brows off.'

We're in the nuclear bunker

and there's someone trying to sell us mobile phones.

-Where did you get this number? This is decommissioned...

-'Ex-directory.'

'Let's raise a toast to Pat.

'I didn't mean that. What are you doing?'

'Oh, look, who let the dogs out? It wasn't me. I promise.'

-He's still trying to sell me one.

-'Just hang up, Ed.'

No-one lives here but thank you for phoning.

-What is your question, Charlotte?

-Oh!

-Oh!

Oh, that wasn't pleasant.

Oh, dear.

They were good. What a lot of LOLs.

Right, it's my mum's birthday today

and I have never purchased her an adequate present.

I've decided to make something nice.

But I'm having a bit of trouble.

It's the lack of thumbs I've got going on.

All I need you to do is ice them for me.

My mother is having an animal-themed party,

so I've drawn three pictures for you to copy.

-I reckon I can do that, yeah.

-Good.

-I should mention, I need to get them over to her in two minutes.

-Huh?

-So you've got to get them done quickly.

-OK. I'll see what I can do.

But I can't promise that they won't go All Over The Place.

There's no time to plug your shows now. First she wants this.

A simple worm.

-Can you manage that?

-Yeah.

-Well, start now.

-BUZZER

-Come on.

-There we go.

-Come on, Ed.

-OH, oh.

-You can do it. Be quick.

Be betterer. Petrie, come on.

There we go. There's a worm.

-You're dragging this out. Put in detailing.

-I know.

-BUZZER

-Let's see.

-That is a mess.

-It's clearly a worm.

Get it out of my sight. Swap my cakes over.

For the next one she wants a zebra.

But to make it more interesting,

I'm going to make the cake spin round.

Herman, rotate the cake.

Great.

Come on, Ed, start, start!

-BUZZER

-Draw the zebra!

-You're good at this sort of thing. Call that a zebra?

-It's good.

-It's low quality.

-I haven't got any black icing.

-No stripes?

-I'll give it some eyes.

Them are zig-zags. You'll be doing chevrons next.

-I'm doing the grass.

-Do the hooves, Ed!

-I don't know how to do hooves.

-Zebras do not have green hooves!

-BUZZER

-Stop! Let's see yow you've done.

-That is very poor.

-I think that's good under the conditions.

And the last thing my mum wants doing is this, a po-cock. A peacock.

-Go now!

-BUZZER

-As fast as you can. Come on.

-It's quite difficult.

-Do a better peacock!

-I'm sorry.

-That looks like a tragedy on a plate!

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

-I'm sorry. The bag burst!

-I can't help it!

-Dry-clean only, Ed. Stop the cake!

-BUZZER

-Edward, that peacock is a letdown.

No hooves and covered in muck.

-It doesn't have hooves. Peacocks don't have hooves.

-They should have!

I need to nip of and phone a professional.

You can stay here and watch Sherlock Bones. It's a good one.

You're not in it much. Moist towelette, please!

This is the town of Teapot

where Sherlock Bones was about to have a bad day.

'Bad day? I just stubbed my toe on an ottoman!'

-Oh. Oh...

-What's wrong, Sherlock?

You might want to sit down, Mrs Drinkwater.

For I have shocking news.

Someone has kidnapped my best friend, Mr Norman Brownceiling.

He's my favourite teddy bear.

-Oh, you mean that rufty-tufty, threadbeary mess?

-You've seen him?

Probably got thrown out years ago. I doubt you'll see him again.

Mrs D, if there's one thing you should never doubt about me,

it's my ability to see what others cannot.

Charge!

Oh. Stupid door!

Mr Bit, Mr Bit, have you seen my teddy bear?

His name is Mr Norman Brownceiling and he's my friend.

-I'm not listening to you. Get out.

-See you.

Mr Norman Brownceiling!

Oh!

Perhaps it's time to admit I'll never see my teddy again.

HE SIGHS

Mr Norman Brownceiling! It's you!

What are you doing out here? Have you been kidnapped or something?

No, Sherlock. No-one kidnapped me. I decided to go to the tip.

-What?

-The truth is, I think it's time we both moved on in our lives.

Why, Norman Brownceiling?

-I'm old and wizened.

-Oh, yeah. See you, then.

I was kidding, teddy. You're my best friend, Mr Brownceiling.

-I've always had a place for you.

-That's all I wanted to hear.

-I love you, Sherlock.

-I love you, too. Don't you ever leave me.

-He didn't have a crime to solve.

-You what?

He just lost his bear. It doesn't make sense.

Right. Come here, you!

That is an excellent drama series.

I will not have you coming in and picking holes in it.

It didn't make sense.

You're making a fool of yourself and my show and I won't have it!

My reputation is on the line. You said it would be the next big thing.

You did a bad job on Downstairs Abbey last year.

I gave you another chance this year and you were worse than last.

-How dare you! I've got a degree in drama. What have you got?

-Fleas!

But I hardly see how it's relevant. I urge you to move on, sir.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-I will.

-I won't have it.

-So, Hacker, me old mate.

-All right, Ed.

-I was so embarrassed about that business with the cakes.

-Oh, yeah.

I made you something. You can take this to your mum.

Lovely. To...

Harry, no...

You've set my friend and popular long-running sidekick

Harry Tongue into this jelly.

Sorry, we were having a conversation about the fiscal situation in Europe.

-He must have jumped in.

-I don't want to hear it.

-Get out and take this with you!

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Get out. You're all over the place.

-That's All Over the Place with me, Ed Petrie, on CBBC.

-Go! Get out!

Mind your head. Mind your Ed...

What a lovely man but I'm glad he's out of my life. It's now time for...

Hacker's Top Three Food Howlers.

In at three, these scientists have cracked it.

They've found a way to combine the two greatest things in the universe.

Bacon shoes. Bacon shoes!

Two. Whoever said bread couldn't talk?

Talking bread. Eh!

LAUGHTER

One.

And for our number-one food-based howler,

there's a wedding cake, there's a floor. You do the math.

Oh, look, they're carrying it through. Yeah.

Have a little taste, that's fine, but don't eat it all.

Oh, he's dropped it. It's ended in tears. Aw.

Hope you're hungry, floor.

Well, cockers, I think we've all had enough for one day.

I know I have. I'm going to head off.

I've got a barn dance with hotpot supper to attend.

All that's left now is for me to sing that song like what I do.

See you soon. G-G-Goodbye.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav, love, so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time, I wish you bye-bye

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing with me larking around

# We've been LOL-ing, there's clips I've found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# I was joined by Ed Petrie and his long, thin pony face

# But I had to chuck that mooey out

# Because he tried to plug his show all over the place

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav, love, so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time, I miss you, bye-bye

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd