Connor Byrne and Kay Purcell Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Hurry up, Derek! We're on air in ten, nine, eight, seven...

I can't turn it down, Lolly. It's stuck!

But Mr Hacker's going to be boiling hot down in the studio.

He can't do a show with the heating on full blast.

-Oh, 'eck! How long have we got?

-One second.

-One second?!

-Forget that.

-Oh, phew!

-It's no seconds now.

-You're on air, Mr Hacker.

-Oh, no!

Hello! Hello, cockers.

I'm Hacker T Dog, and you're watching my very, very hot show.

They cost me a fiver, them.

Derek, have you not fixed that thermostat? It's roasting in 'ere.

-Sorry, Mr Hacker. It's still jammed.

-Oh, no!

Excuse me, Mr Hacker,

but you're actually watching more clothes than normal.

-That's probably not helping.

-Thank you, Herman.

-I don't pay you to answer back.

-But, Mr Hacker, you don't pay me at all.

Oh, yeah!

-Any luck, Derek?

-I've nearly got it. It's getting looser. Here goes...

Ohhh! D-D-D-D-D-Derek, what have you done, man?

-It's gone too far the other way.

-Lolly, help me.

I've got me tank top snagged.

Hu...hurry up, Derek! I've got a show to do.

-Oh, no.

-Derek, you are useless mooey!

Don't worry, Mr Hacker, I'll sort it. There is a knack to this.

What you need is me. I've got it all going on.

Oh! Ooh!

Sorry, viewers. My director, Derek, is completely useless.

Sure am. Hah-hoo!

-Eh?!

-Just run the menu, McGee, and let's get on with the show.

I don't know why I bother, I really don't.

Coming up - funny faces...

-..challenging questions...

-Oh, that's a tough one. Er...

..and a random chicken. Hah-hoo! Good shot, Mr Chicken.

Today's programme is all about The Dumping Ground,

so I've arranged a couple of guests to tell us everything,

and I've got a feeling they'll be here very shortly.

-Wilf! Herman! Go and get them!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I'll fire up the van.

HE GUFFAWS

"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" THEME PLAYS

-Hey!

-Argh!

Stay there, folks. Off you go, Wilf.

Off we go.

I'll just reverse it.

Please welcome today's special guests, from The Dumping Ground,

it's Connor Byrne and Kay Purcell, aka Mike and Gina!

-Wow! I can't believe it.

-Check us out, Kay! I'm so excited!

-Welcome to my show.

-Hello. I can't believe you've got us on your show.

I never mis anything that you do on telly. I love you.

Oh, well, thank you.

I would probably blush but I haven't got that ability.

This is the pinnacle, the acme, of my career.

-I've got my favourite T-shirt on today.

-Oh, what is it?

-Shall I show you?

-Yeah, yeah!

Ta-da!

-Check it out, it's Dodge.

-Dodge?!

-Yeah.

-I'm Hacker.

-What?

-Hacker?

-Yeah.

-Oh, God. I can't stand Hacker.

-Oh, Hacker's a load of rubbish.

-He's not got the same quality that Dodge has.

-No...

Excuse me, I'm still in the room! I'm Hacker T Dog.

Meat paste! Cotton-eyed Joe! Oh, Ian, you mucky pig!

All the catchphrases.

-Oh, never mind.

-Oh.

-So what do we do now?

I've gone and prepared a show with you in it.

-Will you stay, anyway, now you're here?

-I suppose so.

What's the alternative? Having my hair done(?) We might as well stay.

Why, thank you, Mike.

-It's Connor.

-Whatever.

Let's peruse a dead good fact file to celebrate this happy moment.

-Pull the blue lever, Gina.

-Kay.

-Same difference. Pull it, love.

Kay and Connor, aka Mike and Gina, are actors from The Dumping Ground.

Connor's been in Tracy Beaker since the olden days,

but he was very much in the background back then.

That's all times because...

Well, no, he's still in the background, but a bit to the side.

"Can I come and stand in the front for once?" "No, you can't."

Gina's always wanted to be the star of the show.

There was the time she tried to push Tracy over the breakfast bar,

but she didn't. She's just really jealous of the back of her head!

But it's not all fun and games. This was Mike's surprise birthday party.

The surprise was the balloons got nicked.

But it didn't stop him enjoying his hobby of inspecting people's hands.

"Oh, they're not bad, are they?"

"Oh, dirty fingernails. Sort that out, love."

"What's this? Blurred hands.

"That girl needs some focus in her life - quite literally."

But blurred hands or not,

Mike and Gina have become stalwarts of that there dumping ground,

and we love them for it.

"Can I be at the front this time?" "No!"

They might have to stand at the back a lot but it's clear to see

who's really in charge of things round there.

ALL SHOUT AND SCREAM

Yes, that's right, not them.

So that's everything need to know about Kay and Connor.

What an interesting piece of tape.

I didn't know all of those definitely true facts.

I am now going to interview you about The Dumping Ground.

Question one.

Connor, what is it like being in one of the most popular shows on CBBC?

It's a pleasure working with my friend here and Dani

-and all the kids on Tracy Beaker.

-No, no, no. Come on.

I mean Hacker Time, not that Dumping Ground nonsense.

What's he like?!

-I've never been so aghast in all my days. Next question.

-Go on.

On your show, your characters have to deal with naughty kids,

so now I'm going to be a naughty child and, Kay,

you've got to reprimand me.

-Here goes. "Gina..."

-"Shut up now!"

-"..I don't want to go to bed.

"It's only eight o'clock."

-"Come here."

-"Why do I have to go to bed at eight o'clock?"

"Come here. Now shut up!"

"But, Gina, it's only eight o'clock in the morning."

Remember, Kay, the devil is very much in the detail

when it comes to childcare.

-Better luck next time.

-All right, love.

-Question three.

-Connor, what's your favourite meat produce?

-Oh, that's tough one.

-Erm...pate. No, probably meat paste.

-Oh, meaty paste!

You can't beat it. Now, you two are popular and that, aren't you?

There are some big fans standing by the phones, ready to ask you things.

Pick up your phones, cockers.

-Who's on line one?

-'How do?

'I'd like to enquire where to buy those Dodge T Dog T-shirts

-'that your guest was wearing earlier.'

-Dodge?!

You want a Dodge T-shirt?! This is Hacker Time.

Derek, put the split-screen effect on now.

-I want to see who was responsible for this.

-Oh...whoopsie!

Derek Alan McGee, I'm shocked and appalled.

-Get off my show, you mucky pig.

-Sorry, Mr Hacker.

Why does no-one want a T-shirt of me? Never mind.

Mike, Gina, I've got something to show you.

-It's Kay and Connor. Kay and Connor.

-No, it's not!

-Yes, it is!

It's a clip from Tracy Beaker Returns,

-and I'm afraid I've got a bit of a confession to make, Kay.

-Yeah?

-You better watch this.

-OK.

-What are you lot doing?

-ALL: Hi, Gina!

Hey, look what I've got. Wey-hey!

Give them back.

HE CHUCKLES

Whoopsie!

Erm, they made me do it!

What were you thinking you were doing?

-Ha! It was me wreaking havoc all along.

-Yeah.

-What a lot of chay-os.

-Weren't that a LOL?

-Talking of LOLs...

-Oh, no, you don't, Derek.

-Oh, yes, I do, Mr Hacker.

-It's Derek Time!

-Somebody make him stop now. D'oh!

Ha-hoo! It's Derek Time. Heh-heh!

Welcome to Derek Time, me ducks.

Now, we haven't got time to show you the dog scared by his own trumps...

PPHHRRRRT!

PPHHRRRRT!

..and we haven't got time to show you the chicken caught

cheating in a pool tournament...

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Hoo-hoo! Bock-bock!

..but we do have time to show you this.

Now, how on earth is that dog going to eat that bone?

How's he going to manage it? I don't understand...

Ho-ho, he's done it. He must be some sort of super dog.

Hoo-hoo! And that concludes today's Derek Time.

Back to you, Hacker.

You think it's bad having to deal with them naughty kids?

Try working with Derek McGee.

The man's a nuisance, I tell you, a stinking nuisance!

Ooh! Hello.

Erm, thanks very much, Derek.

Always a fascinating part of the show.

Can't wait till next time.

-Right, then. Mike and Gina...

-No.

-It's Kay and Connor. Kay and Connor.

-Oh, yeah!

It's tricky to remember that. You see, you act in a show

and you come in here using different names.

-It's all rather confusing, isn't it, Connor?

-No, it's not.

I shall for ever think of you as Michael and Gina,

and I shall now sing a song to that effect. Good day.

# There's lots of folks in The Dumping Ground

# Most are good guys Agreeable and sound

# I like 'em all but two favourites I have found

# Oh, it's Mike and Gina from The Dumping Ground

# Mike Milligan has an MBE

# Seen as a father figure for Tracy

# Been in it years but that doesn't bother me

# Oh, his firm but fair Mike Milligan, MBE

# But he'd be nothing if he was on his own

# Someone to help him out?

# There's only one woman for the job

# She's played by Kay Purcell

# Learned how to ballroom dance at the peak of season two

# She always brightens up my day Her name's Gina Conway

# Sir Connor Byrne and Lady Kay Purcell

# Nice folks, not bad actors as well

# Their very presence makes me one happy hound dog

# Oh, the king and queen of The Dumping Ground

# Mike!

# Gina!

# The king and queen of The Dumping Ground, huh! #

Thank you.

Ta-da! What d'you think, Mike and Gina?

-No, no. It's Kay and Connor. Kay and Connor.

-Mike and Gina is nicer.

No, Connor, Kay. It's easy.

I'll never get used to this acting lark. Now, Mike and Gina...

VOICES FADE

This programme is an utter disgrace, Benjamin.

-We must write a letter of complaint. Take this down.

-Right-o, Frank.

Dear the BBC, I am writing to complain about Hacker Time.

How much cash are you spending on this annoying muck?

Lavish sets, big-name guests and an epic musical number.

You must have money to burn.

-What was that last bit?

-Money to burn, Benjamin, money to burn.

You must have money to burn!

Well, if you say so, Frank.

What are you doing with all those lovely £20 notes?

I'm throwing all your life savings onto the fire, Frank.

You did say, "I must have money to burn."

Oh, Ben-ja-min!

-Did you hear something?

-Yeah, I did.

-What was it?

The sound series three of Hacker Time being recommissioned?

-Erm...

-No!

It was more like, I don't know, insects scratching around. Yeuch!

-You know, under the desk.

-Oh, yeah, that figures.

This studio shouldn't legally be used. It's totally infested.

Right, then, cockers, I've got some good news and some bad news.

-Oh, great.

-The good news is, you're doing very well on my show.

-I'm very impressed.

-Oh, thank you.

-What's the bad news?

I've got to put up with you for 15 minutes.

Time really is dragging today.

Derek, the menu!

-'Still to come today - TV crimes.'

-Oh, that's good.

'Crimes against TV...'

My latest scheme...

'..and an excitable viewer.

'Oh, look at him!

'Don't go away, my little owls. Ha-hoo-hoo!'

-Looks good that, don't it?

-I must admit, Hacks,

I was a bit unsure about the show but...

I'm really, really enjoying it.

-Ah, thanks, Gina.

-Kay! Kay!

-Whatever. Now, then, Mike...

-It's Connor.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been meaning to say, you've got a lovely glow to you today, sir.

-Have you been out in the sunshine?

-Thank you. No, it's make-up.

Make up?!

We're in a television studio with lights.

-Actors and presenters wear make-up all the time.

-Well, I never.

Why didn't you have something exciting painted on,

like a hamster or a lion, rather than a wrinkly bald old man?!

HACKER GUFFAWS

CONNOR GROWLS AND BARKS

Oh... Ooh!

Right, I'm going to go off and see some real human people

who aren't off the telly and have some make-up-based fun.

Good day to you. And pair up those socks while I'm gone!

That is weird.

-Here you go.

-Here we go.

-You all right, cockers?

-ALL: Yeah!

-Yeah, it's me, Hacker.

-Hey, do you lot think you could help me?

-ALL: Yeah!

Good, because I need you all to give me some make-up tips.

Herman, bring in the box o' stuff.

Here we go, Hacker. Woah!

-CRASH!

-Oh, I'm grazed.

-Hey, Dylan, what have you painted Jack's face like?

-A monkey.

-Let's have a look. Ooh, have a banana.

-I've already got one.

All right.

-What have you painted Toni's face like?

-A wicked witch.

Let's have a look, then. Arrrgh! Ooh, ooh, it's terrifying! I'm off.

Jamie-Lee, at least yours can't be as frightening as that last one.

-What have you painted?

-A clown.

-Oh, no.

I'm terrified of clowns. Arrrgh!

Argh! Argh!

No, don't do it. Right, you lot, swap over.

Hey, Lucy, what have you painted Jamie-Lee like?

-A pig.

-Can you oink like a big?

THEY OINK

-Argh!

-Ooh...

-I had a bit of catarrh then. What's he supposed to be?

-A pretty lady.

Let's have a look.

WOLF WHISTLE

-Ooh, aren't you pretty? Do you like looking like that?

-No.

-Give us a kiss, Cameron.

-No.

-HACKER PUCKERS UP

-Mwah!

Will you put that banana down now, please?

-Now, what's he meant to be?

-A zombie.

Ooh! Can you act like a zombie?

HE GROANS FAINTLY

Let's get 'em.

HACKER GROANS

You've all done really well today, but I have painted Sophie's face

to look like the most beautiful thing in the room - me!

-And you can even act like me, can't you, Sophie?

-Yeah.

-Let's do it!

-THEY CHEER

-She's better than me. I'm furious!

Argh! It's Hacker Time!

Ooh, you've changed.

So, what have we learnt today?

Number one - a bit of lippie goes a long way.

Number two - you can overdo it a bit.

You know who you are.

And number three - ha-ha-ha! I've never been to Poland.

Thank you for all your help, cockers. Bye-bye.

-ALL: Bye, Hacker.

-Now, I must get back to the studio.

I bet it's quiet there without me, isn't it? Oh, look, a clown!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Panic not, Packer T Dog has returned with the findings of his visit.

What's going on in here, then?!

-Stop the music. Cease!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

How dare you experience merriment in my absence?

I'm the main one on this show!

-Fun is not allowed without my say-so.

-BOTH: Sorry.

-And you, costumed characters.

-ALL: Sorry, Hacker.

So you should be. Hey, Connor and Kay,

-would you like to get this show back track with me?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Let's have a little look at some fantastic hilarious howlers.

Run it!

Come on, sir. Is that a real seat belt? Come on.

Don't pull it so hard. Come on. If you do it slowly...

I told you that!

It's a safety thing. Put it into gear and move away safe...

He's stalled it. Perfect!

Now, this man's got a hat on, yes?

Oh, but the man with the chair's gone askew.

The hat was just a red herring. Ha-ha, ha-ha!

Loads of things you can do today,

and lots of bikes you can try out.

I'm delighted to announce... What's going on down here?

Cameraman's fallen over!

LAUGHTER Here you are, let me give you a lift.

Now, if you've ever been doubting

whether this is recorded live, there's your answer.

# Row, row, row your boat... #

You've broken it! What are you playing at?

-I've broken my bottom.

-He's broken his bott-omm!

Ha-ha-ha! Acting LOLs and that.

Right then, Kay and Connor, you are actors in television. Yes.

I am also in television, and I am also a high-quality actor.

I shall play a girl I have named Tracy Beaker.

-Ah, right.

-The scenario is thus.

We are working in the camping ground.

-Oh, I see.

-Ah, right.

-And we are having a right old bicker

about whose turn it is to make a brew.

-My assistants, Derek and Lolly, are up in the gallery.

-Hoo-hoo!

They shall suggest new styles of TV show,

and we must act accordingly. You get the idea?

-Yes.

-OK.

-The time starts now!

-Gina, any chance of a cup of tea, love?

-Yeah, of course.

-Can I have it milky as you like, cocker?

-You can.

-Go and make some tea.

-You go and make it. ..No, you go and make it.

-BUZZER

-Soap opera.

Give it a shake, love. That's it. It's a soap opera. Ooh!

-I will have a bit of cake with my tea.

-Well, I don't really know.

I'll have an Eccles cake. I don't need this - I'm already bald.

-BUZZER

-Cop show.

-OK, here we go.

-Get your hair off, love.

THEY LAUGH

I think that YOU did it.

-No, YOU did it.

-It's a fair cop.

-Just get back in there.

-He thinks he's top dog, he does.

-You did this!

-Calm down.

I will not calm down!

Good work.

-BUZZER

-Period drama.

In sooth, I will wander through my house.

As I shuffle from this mortal coil, I would say I want a brew.

I feel faint for lack of brew.

I will scuttle off and make the tea for all you lords and ladies.

You filthy urchin! You make me wretch, sir!

-BUZZER

-That's it, time's up. Wasn't I marvellous in that?

-Fantastic.

Thank you. And if you want to see a bit more top-notch acting,

have a look at me in Sherlock Bones. Thank you.

This is the lawless town of Teapot. It's every bit as sinister as...

Hang on, who's he? Coming in here...

Family Tongue, you are under arrest for crimes relating to cups.

Working hard, Detective?

-You!

-Yes, me! I'm a thief,

a crook, a villain, your equal and opposite in every way.

I am Baroness Von Cat,

the most evil cat criminal in the world. Ha-ha-ha!

-Cool!

-No, not cool.

Evil...!

It's so cool to have my own worst enemy.

-We can braid each other's hair.

-Shut up and pay attention, Sherlock.

Behold my latest scheme.

Ha-ha-ha! The only way to save the victim

is by playing a little game.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Can it be kiss-chase?

Shut up and pay attention!

Your challenge is to complete this,

-the most difficult crossword in the world!

-Oh, no!

Three-letter word, opposite of dog, beginning with C and ending in T.

Oh, Baroness Von Cat, this is impossible!

Please, if you don't solve the puzzle, she...

She's going to make silly noises in my ear...

-for anything up to a minute!

-You're mad, you are.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Good luck, Sherlock. Your time starts...now!

-Oh, no!

Oh, no...

HOOTER

-Oh, it's impossible. I'm sorry.

-No, no, please!

She's going to make silly noises in my year for up to a minute!

Wa-a-a-a-ay! Whee-ee-ee!

It's so annoying! It's nearly a word, but not quite.

-So frustrating!

-Meeeee-raaaan-taaaa!

-Meeeeee!

-Sounds like fun, this. Wooooorrrrrrt!

-No, Sherlock! No!

-Wooooorrrrrr!

-Woooorrrr!

-So nearly words!

It's true, "woooorrrrrrt" is an annoying word, isn't it?

-So then, Mike...

-It's Connor.

-Is it?

I hear from my sources that you used to be a BALLOT dancer.

I was a BALLET dancer, yes.

Many, many moons ago when I still had hair.

It must have been some time back, then.

-Will you give us a demonstration of ye talents?

-All right, OK.

Go on.

-I'm sorry!

-Mike Milligan, MBE!

It's not Mike Milligan, it's Connor Byrne!

Mike Milligan is a fictional character.

I don't care what your name is,

you've just squashed my long-running friend, sidekick and confidante,

-Harry Tondew.

-I'm sorry.

I will not tolerate cup-squashing in this studio!

-Now get out of here, Connor!

-What? But...

Get out! And you too, Kay!

I know you're innocent in all this, but you must be away with you.

-Leave. Get out, and never come back!

-Please...

And mind your head on the way out.

Yes. What lovely people.

But I'm glad they've gone, because right now I'm going to show you

some of my favourite LOLs from around the world. It's time for...

Hacker's top three epic fail howlers.

In at three, be very wary of teasing frogs.

Oh, look! He's playing leapfrog! What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, look! It's got his thumb!

Quick, call Steve Backshall, he'll sort it out.

At two, this wrestler's more annoying than the Miz.

Now, here we've got a perfectly good news report.

Very informative, very interesting,

and a lovely woman, I don't mind telling you.

Yeah. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, no!

A wrestler comes in and kisses her!

Oh, that would've put me right off me tea. Ugh!

Come here, baby. Give Mamma some sugar.

HE PUCKERS UP

And at one, this nutty athlete has forgotten how to jump.

Oh, look! He's knocking them all down!

He's curdling those hurdles. Ha-ha-ha!

He'll never win a prize at this rate.

Don't just push them, cocker. Ooh!

Oh, how embarrassing.

Imagine what his poor mother must think. What a disgrace!

Anyway, that's all we've got time for today on Hacker Time.

Thanks for watching, and that. I'm off now to prune some geraniums.

Not mine - I've only got a small winter box.

I'll see you next time,

when my guests WON'T include Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

In the meantime,

I shall perform my well good song to make your life better.

Hit it! Goodbye!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# And we've been LOL-ing at some clips that I found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff

# It will be top drawer

# Kay and Connor from The Dumping Ground

# Were my guests today

# I brought them in, we had a laugh

# Then it got out of hand so I told them to go away

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

-Thanks, Mike.

-It's Connor Byrne!

Ooh!