Ricky Boleto Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Hoo-hoo! Lolly, I'm so excited!

Why, Derek? Have you made another model of Ipswich

out of your toenail clippings?

Oh, no, better than that.

It's time for the biggest and best Hacker Time opener we've done ever!

-Really?

-Hoo-hoo, yes!

We've blown the whole budget of the show on this sequence.

We've even brought Steven Spielberg in to direct it!

This event is going to excite people,

it'll move them beyond belief.

It'll make them question every emotion they hold dear!

On air in 3... 2... 1.

UPBEAT TRUMPET TUNE

Is that it?

Oh, yes! It's so beautiful, isn't it?

Bravo, Mr Hacker! Bravo!

Thank you! Thank you! Wasn't that just brilliant?

I can't imagine anyone not liking that.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hello, the controller of CBBC. What's that?

You DIDN'T like it?

If we ever do it again you'll fire Derek?

-Yes!

-Ooh, 'eck! Let's move on!

Here's the menu, Mr Hacker!

Coming up today, hard-hitting interviews...

What are facts?

..snowboarding marsupials...

..and newsreaders disgracing themselves. Ho-hoo!

Here's the news, the news...

Good day, everyone, welcome to my little show.

Today we're exploring the world of news,

so who better than a top-notch journalist as a guest?

Wilf! Herman! Get us one!

Yes, Mr Hacker!

I'll fire up the van!

Ha ha ha!

Coming up we have a very in-depth report on the Russian economy.

And a stoat that plays the accordion!

But first on Newsround...

Stay there, mate. Off you go, Wilf!

What are you doing?!

-Off we go!

-Let me out of here this second!

Otherwise I'm going to call my lawyer!

Let me reverse it...

Please welcome today's special guest From Newsround.

It's...

Hacker Time.

Oh no, no, not again!

OK then, Hacker, where do you want me?

Wilf! Herman! What are you playing at?

We had him on last series! I meant the other one!

Hold on, does that mean you won't be needing m...?

Here we go again.

We want your views on that story, head over to the Newsround website.

Coming up next... Whoah!

Please welcome today's special guest, from Newsround,

it's Ricky Boleto!

Hacker! What's going on?

Ricky! How are you, my dear?

-You didn't answer my question.

-You didn't answer MY question.

I said, how are you, my dear?

I'm... I'm fine, thanks.

Good. Now, as my guest on Hacker Time,

you're in for some top-drawer treats, cocker.

I've even got a button that does that thing off the end of Newsround.

NEWSROUND CLOSING MUSIC

Hacker, I haven't got time, I've got news to do.

Ha ha! Foolish boy! There's no way you're going to get out of this.

Oh, yeah? I'm going to call my mum!

Oh, he's good.

Hello, Mum? It's me, Ricky.

Can you pick me up?

I'm at the Hacker Time studios.

Oh! But, Mum!

-Oh, whatevs, bye.

-What did she say?

She's buying oven chips, but she'll be here in half an hour.

Perfect! In that case, pull that blue lever, cocker,

for I have nil thumbs for such a task.

Ricky Boleto is a 7-year-old boy

who presents on that Newsround programme.

this is his Year Two school photo.

He's scrubbed up well - look how he started out!

Look at his mucky famscrage, and his hair's a mess.

And that is a face for radio, isn't it?

Growing up, his parents dreamed of having one son

who was a body builder, and one that was on telly.

-"I want to be the body builder!"

-"Pipe down, sweet cheeks!"

"OK"!

Ricky's got loads of celebrity friends, like Emma Watson.

Oh, look! She's gorgeous!

And Olly Murs! Oh, he's gorgeous!

And this pillow...

Bit weird, that, Ricky.

And he's just got weirder. The fame's gone to his head.

Look, he's eating gold for breakfast!

Going to work in a helicopter!

But it all went wrong when he spent all his money

and had to live in this plant pot.

Oh, Ricardo! You total mooey.

Still, he's a brilliant news reporter

who's become known for his integrity,

doing reports from tropical destinations for free holidays,

interviewing Royal Family look-a-likes cos it's less hassle,

and stealing local jobs from unsuspecting, smiley men.

At least the fame hasn't gone to his head.

Just keep massaging.

OK, I'm going to be doing this, but we're out of time on BBC One.

Oh, Ricardo!

And that's all you need to know about Mr Boleto!

What think ye of that, me old cocker?

I'm not sure you checked your facts.

Ricky?

What are facts?

Facts are things that are true, that have actually happened.

Oooooooooooooh!

I don't get it.

-Ricky Boleto, you present Newsround with Joe Tidy.

-Yeah.

Is Joe tidy?

He's not tidy, at all.

-You present Newsround with Haley Cutts.

-That's right.

Does Haley ever make cuts to the show's budget?

She doesn't, but she is from Blackpool.

-I'm from Wigan!

-She talks about Blackpool a lot.

I never mention my home town, it's pathetic.

I didn't think you did.

You present Newsround with Ore Oduba, don't you?

Does Ore ever Oduba?

-That doesn't work.

-It doesn't work, does it?

Do you ever make up the news, like when you made up Europe?

No, we never make up the news.

It's always factually correct,

or we'd be telling lies to the audience.

What would happen if there was no news one day?

Would you just do this...?

HE WHISTLES

HE POPS HIS LIPS

No, we always find news...

Whee! Whee! Whee!

-Ang-nang-nang-nang...

-No! We wouldn't do that!

Haley might. I wouldn't.

Do you remember when I was a presenter on Newsround?

Hmm, not sure that's actually true.

How soon we forget.

Take a look at this with your eyes and face, cocker.

Thousands have taken to the streets for this year's London Marathon.

Ricky Boleto, is at the scene.

Ricky, how many miles have you completed?

I think about 23 miles? Is it?

-I don't know, is it?

-22?

Well, what is it? 23 or 22?

Coming up to 23 miles...

How long have you been running for?

Four hours?

-Is it?

-I don't know.

-What's wrong with you?

-I'm confused.

-You're telling me!

-My legs ache...

-Get over it!

-I've had to stop and walk quite a bit...

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

I'm going to try and one run mile.

You're going to what?

I'm going to try and one run mile.

"One run mile"? That doesn't even make sense!

I can't even speak properly.

Ricky Boleto, I thank you.

That isn't very fair, that's not how it happened.

All right, you got me. Anyway, you know what?

I wish the news would cheer up.

I've decided you should jazz up your bulletins...

with DANCE MUSIC!

Get the glasses on, get all blinged up, cocker,

cos I have prepped you some words to sing.

All right, let's do this.

Do the news!

MUSIC

Here we go.

# Here's the news, The news, the news

# Here's the news The news, the news

# Here's the news The news, the news

# Here's the news The news, the news

# That was the news The news, the news

# That was the news The news, the news

# That was the news The news, the news

# That was the news, the news, the news,

That was the news!

That was the news.

Do you know what I thought of that?

What?

NEWSROUND CLOSING MUSIC

Oh, that again?

Seriously though, you've disgraced yourself! Ha ha!

It's time for my bit now.

Oh, no, Derek! Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, yes, Hacker. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Cover your eyes and ears, Ricky. It'll be over soon.

Hoo-hoo! It's Derek time!

Hee-hee!

Hello again!

On today's show we haven't got time to show you the possum

who thinks he can snowboard just because he's got a snazzy pullover.

Or the guitarist who accidentally gave himself green fingers.

SPINES PLUCK IN TUNE TO BACKING TRACK

But we do have time to show you the monkey who got annoyed

when his brother took the last banana. Hoo-hoo!

Ey, what you doing? No!

He's pushed him in the water! That's not nice, I'm not having that.

Let's watch it again. Oh, right in!

And that concludes another genuinely harrowing instalment of Derek Time.

Back to you in the studio, Hacker.

I'm telling you, Ricky.

That man's a mess. I only keep him on cos I pay him peanuts.

Well, pistachios, actually, but... Oh, hello!

If you've just joined us, I'm here with Newsround's Richard Boleto.

It's Riccardo!

Ooh, that sounds exotic. Is it Scottish?

No, it's not Scottish, it's Italian.

Oh, Ricky. You're such an interesting character.

It almost makes me want to sing a song about you. Cue the music!

-BOING!

-Hey-hey!

-Hey-hey!

You'll love this, Ricky. Are you ready?

# There is a fella

# A little fella

# Who appears on my TV screen every day

# Provides the nation with information

# Delivered in a simple and straightforward way

# He'll break a story of a sporting glory

# Or a body-boarding cat in Colwyn Bay

# Yes, he's a big-name news reporter

-# But he's only two foot three

-RICKY LAUGHS

# He's trustworthy Clean and sturdy

# And they call him Ricky B. #

Yeah!

# He meets his deadlines

# To bring you headlines

# About the latest on the EU dairy laws

# Or showbiz gossip straight from Glossop

# Where Lady Gaga's been caught wearing silly drawers

# He's always highbrow Has one raised eyebrow

# And his style of story-telling never bores

# Yes, he's a big name news reporter But he's only two foot three

# He's trustworthy, clean and sturdy and they call him Ricky B. #

I like it!

# Yes, that name was Ricky B. #

Ooh, yes.

APPLAUSE Bravo, Hacker. Bravo.

Ey, what do you think to that then, cocker?

Best thing ever. Go on a TV talent show.

-Aw, Ricky Boleto!

-Brilliant.

Thank you. I thank you.

NEWSROUND JINGLE PLAYS

Hey-hey! That's all right, isn't it? Doesn't get boring, does it?

Right, right! I've had it with this show.

You know what this means, don't you?

We're going to watch it again on catch-up?

No, no, no! We're going to write a letter of complaint.

-Now, take this down, please.

-OK.

Ahem! "Dear the BBC, please pull the plug on Hacker Time.

"He's damaging the integrity of one of this country's

"most beloved journalists.

"I find this so disturbing it's making my face damp with sadness."

-Did you get all of that, Benjamin?

-Sure did, Frank.

Ah, good. Now, go and post it.

-Oh, and don't forget to stamp it.

-Do what, Frank?

Stamp it. Stamp the letter.

Well, if you say so, Frank.

Treading on words is fun, Frank! Ha-ha!

Uh, Benjamin!

Did you hear something, Hacker?

Was it this?

NEWSROUND JINGLE

No. It wasn't that. It sounded like cockroaches or something.

Oh yeah, this place is infested.

You're probably going to go home today riddled with disease!

-Eurgh.

-Hahahaha!

CLOCK TICKS

NEWSROUND JINGLE

Here's what's coming up in the programme.

Still to come today...

Ricky's getting rowdy.

Sherlock's getting saucy.

And there's a robo-dog on the loose.

Don't go anywhere!

Ricky Boleto.

-Yeah?

-When you do that Newsround programme of yours,

you're always reporting on the latest gadgets and inventions...

What's been your favourite one?

I don't know, one of those generic touch screen tablets.

Ooh, that's good! Well, if you're such an expert on technology,

invent something for me now,

-go on!

-What?

Come on, I'm waiting, Ricky.

I can't just come up with something like that.

You're rubbish... I'm going to have to find someone who can...

You never know, I might even rip off a popular TV format

while I'm at it!

Good day to you, young fellow!

Good day.

Here we go!

Y'all right team?

ALL: Hi Hacker!

Do you lot think you could teach me how to become an inventor?

ALL: Yeah.

Then snap to it! And commit your dreams to paper.

It's only me.

I've dressed myself up as a low-budget dragon,

which I'm sure is the same thing they do on that programme about

dragons in dens or something!

Right, so tell me about your invention.

As you can see it says TV Watch. Starts off as a watch and then

It turns into a TV.

So you could watch Hacker Time on that watch?

-Yeah.

-I am in!

It's called the Edible Banana Phone MP3 player.

Is it compatible with the Edible Melon DVD Player?

Nah.

Oh, well, in that case, I'm in!

I have the Drive Through Doggy Groomer, on wheels.

Perfect for you. The tap gets you all wet and then you do shampoo

and conditioner there, you rinse, blow dry, brush and style.

And you go out feeling all happy.

Will that sort out my split ends?

Yeah.

I'm in!

What's your one?

The Jar Of Trumps Juke Box.

You collect your jar of trumps, you select the song and it

makes a tune.

Fantastic! But I'm afraid to say, I'm out!

HE TRUMPS

Aw!

Ugh! And so is that!

What's your one?

Mine's the Foodatron.

It's basically a remote control that shoots out food.

Hold on, I don't need one of them, I've already got a remote control

and when I press it there's always a cooking programme on TV.

-I'm out!

-OK.

What's your one?

The Breakfast Machine.

Every time you wake up there'll be nice, warm toast, tea and a scone

on your lap.

But it'll get all over my duvet! I'm out!

After consideration, I have decided to invest in Andrew's invention.

Andrew, here is your investment, go ahead and be a success, like I am.

There are some bones, a banana... and a quill.

So, what have we learned today?

Number one, the brain is amazing and capable of lots of top-notch things.

Number two, ha-ha, number two!

And number three, there's a smudge on my flip chart!

Who left that there? I am rather furious!

Cheers for all your help, cockers, ta-ta!

ALL: See you!

Now I must get back to the studio!

They must be having a really dreary time without me there.

ALL: Oh hokey cokey cokey!

ALL: Knees bend, arms stretch, ra-ra-ra!

# Right leg in, right leg out... #

HACHER: OH!

Hold on a minute, stop the music!

Stop the lights! What in the name of a comically-shaped turnip

is going on in here?

-You're not supposed to have fun here without me! Ricky?

-Yeah?

I bet you're used to dealing with unexpected things like this,

when you present the news, aren't you?

Always, always, but nothing as bananas as this fruity lot.

No Bananas, just a lemon, Ricky!

Oh! I just hope you deal with it better than these mooeys.

Run the howlers, Derek!

Now what's this here, like? Is this the news or something?

What are they dancing for? That's not serious journalism, son!

Blow through your nose.

-Through your nose.

-Your ears should pop.

Your ears should pop.

Oh! Excuse me!

Oh! She's got trouser wind!!!

...It's very, very heavy...

Is that a mechanical skateboard?

Oh, oh, oh no!

He's connected with the... laminate flooring!

That dog's running off with... Where's he bin? Where's he BIN!

Ha-ha, ha-ha, he's running away. The council will be livid!

You would expect nothing less from a Scouse manager.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Oh, he's fallen!

Oh, be careful. Who's this now? What's she...?

That was all was going to happen, love!

Haha! General silliness there...

What did you think of that, Ricky?

It'll never happen to me. I'm a professional.

Now, Ricky, you ARE a professional, unlike that bunch of mooeys.

Do you think you could help me fulfil my dream

of being a proper news reporter just like what you is?

Absolutely. I'll make it my aim.

In that case, it's time for this!

NEWSROUND JINGLE PLAYS

D'ya geddit, Ricky? "Newshound"...

"Hound" - cos I'm a tiny little dog, aren't I!

Yeah, I get it.

Now, here's what we'll do, Ricky -

you'll be the main presenter in the studio

and I'll be reporting from location via a live video link-up.

Now, I'll just pop over there -

and you ask me the questions I've given you, all right?

OK, let's do it.

And be careful, cos there might be a time delay!

Off you go, cocker!

NEWSROUND JINGLE PLAYS

We can now cross live to Hacker T Dog,

who is at one of the biggest music festivals in Britain....

Hacker, over to you.

SILENCE

Er... Hacker, are you OK?

Oh, hello, Ricky!

Hacker, you seem a little bit confused.

Well, I'm fairly well, but I mustn't grumble.

What can you tell me?

I AM confused!

-What's going on?

-Ricky, I was right -

There seems to be a one-question delay on my answers.

Just go with it, cockers, no-one will notice.

All right. If you say so...

So, Hacker, can you tell me what the atmosphere's like down there?

Um, can you tell me how many people are at the festival?

It's lovely - everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

Um, doesn't really make sense, Hacker.

How would you describe the weather?

About 150,000.

And are you feeling OK in yourself?

Awfully windy! Ooh, yes!

What can you see directly in front of you?

Well, I've got a very painful spot on the end of my nose.

And are there any celebrities there at all?

Um...I can only see a mop at the moment.

Oh, and some drawing pins!

The question on everyone's lips is - "What do the toilets smell like?"

Justin Bieber and all of One Direction.

Urgh! OK, and what have you had to eat?

Rotten eggs. I think it's because someone forgot to flush.

Hacker, who's next on the main stage?

A roasted leg of lamb.

Sounds a bit strange...

Talking of which, have you met any strange people today?

Jedward!

Right, OK. Hacker, how would you describe today's event in a nutshell?

Well, there was a strange woman

who lost a very personal item of clothing!

Ooh, yes, it was quite personal!

Oh, dear. What did she lose?

It's difficult to describe,

but I'd say the whole thing is massive...

and getting muddier by the minute!

And what did she have to say about that?

-Knickers!

-Knickers?!

This is utter nonsense. None of this is making sense.

Do you know what? I think I've had enough! I'm off.

She said she was very upset about the incident,

and she'll be investing in stronger elastic in the future.

Textbook, Ricky! Textbook!

I don't think anyone noticed the one-question delay business.

Oh, he's gone... Here's Sherlock Bones.

It was a fine day in the town of Teapot, and love was in the air.

Or is that the smell of sewage?! It stinks!

Ah, Mrs Do, it's lovely to spend some quality time with you

and, may I say, you look ravishing this evening.

-Mr Bit...

-I don't think I have.

No, MISTER Bit, I want to ask you something.

-Why are we...?

-Playing cards in an abandoned fairground?

Why else? I don't want Sherlock Bones interrupting.

He wouldn't dare mess with me. Now, come here, darling.

Stop right there, Mr Bit,

for you are under arrest for being an criminal.

-I haven't done anything wrong.

-That's never mattered to me before.

Sherlock, what are you doing here?!

I'm here to check that you're not committing any crimes.

Pretend I'm not here, for I am undercover.

You're not, you're dressed as a cake!

-YOU'RE dressed as a cake!

-Look, will you please go away?!

Trying to woo a woman is not a crime!

Yeah, that's true, isn't it?

But when you do finally commit a terrible crime, I'll be here,

waiting, in a more compelling disguise.

Hello, boys!

Don't mind me, I'm a lady going about her business.

-Right, well, go away, then.

-No, no, wait, she's... she's...

ROMANTIC MUSIC

..wonderful.

But, Mr Bit, it's clearly Sherlock. You two deserve each other!

But you took my breath away with your beauty!

Oh, gosh, I'm confused. You've ruined my brain, Sherlock!

So, are you ready to confess to your crimes, Mr Bit?

I don't think I've committed any crimes!

But then I do fancy you. I just don't know what's real any more!

Oh, come on. I haven't caught anyone for ages.

You must've done something wrong.

Tell me what it is and I could arrest you and lock you up.

At which point, you'll never see anyone again.

Not even me.

Not even...you?

Yes, whatever it is, I did it!

I stole from everyone! I'm a criminal!

Just get me away from Sherlock!

I'm sure Mr Bit will be out of prison

in time for the next episode...

But, Hacker, why did that man fancy the dog?

He's got issues.

Anyway, haven't we had a lovely time today?

We have, we really have.

Well, I think you should stick to breaking wind and not news.

Hey, hey, that's an official Boleto gag there. Very good, young man.

I'm afraid that's your lot,

cos your mum's arrived to take you home!

Oh, but MUM! I don't wanna go yet!

Take her by the hand and be gone with you.

Oh, all right, then! See you later, Hacker!

-Bye, Ricky. Bye, Ricky's mum.

-Goodbye, dear.

One of my favourite people in the world, there.

And Ricky wasn't bad either, was he, eh?! Hahaha!

Anyway, now he's out of my fur,

I'm going to show you some of the best LOLs from around the world!

It's time for...

Hacker's Top Three News Howlers

In at 3...

Check this out! It's the world's smallest paper aeroplane...

Awesome! Look at that!

It's a tiny little aeroplane being folded from paper.

Oh, they are showing off, aren't they? What have you got?

Have you got a tiny little airport with tiny little passengers

and a tiny little duty-free?

At 2, he's big, he's scary, he's Robodog!

Oh, look at that robotty dog.

It looks a bit like my uncle Harold, that.

My uncle Harold was a robot dog.

And at number 1,

this invention's ideal for someone with loads of money

and nil football skills...

Look at this, you always win!

You always... Well, you don't win.

Hang on a minute, he's saving every goal.

I bet I could get one past him -

I'd just unplug it!

Thank you for watching my show today.

I think you'll find it has been entertaining and/or informative...

in some ways.

I'm off now, because I've got a man coming round

to lay my wall-to-wall carpeting.

All that's left for me to do is sing my song...

Join in if you know the words - they're quite simple.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!

# Ricky Boleto of Newsround fame

# Popped in and was my guest

# We had a chat, we did some news

# Then I told him to go away I thought it was for the best

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

HE SINGS THE NEWSROUND JINGLE