Jennie McAlpine Hacker Time

# You gotta watch this... #

FARTING

# ..You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Good day to you, cockers, one and all.

We have got loads of drama in store for you

because today's Hacker Time is all about

the fascinating art of the soap opera.

But first of all... Oh, hang on, there's a problem.

I have lost my script.

EASTENDERS DUFF-DUFFS PLAY

Oi, Herman, do you mind? I'm doing my bit now.

Sorry, Hacker.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. I've lost my script!

CORONATION STREET THEME PLAYS

Derek, what do you think you are doing?

Oh, sorry, Mr Hacker.

I'm just getting some practice in before my next cornet lesson.

Well, do it in your own time, please.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, I remember now.

I've lost me script!

EMMERDALE THEME PLAYS

And you lot can shut up as well! Oh, I am livid, here!

But, on the bright side, I've found me script.

It says it's time for the menu. Derek, do the honours, if you would.

-Coming up, friendly banter.

-That doesn't make sense.

-You don't make sense.

-High-fashion. Plus.

-You have front legs?

-Yes.

Then you'd better go and get that seen to, love.

If I see another musical instrument

during the course of this programme,

I will trump in all your packed lunches!

-FARTING

-Oh, hello, yes.

Now, as I was saying, today's show is all about soap operas

what are always on the telly,

so I've got one of the stars of Coronation Street joining us.

-Except she doesn't know it. Wilf, Herman, get her!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

I'll fire up the van.

HACKER LAUGHS

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

See you, everyone!

Oh, Rita, I'm going to borrow your new snazzy cardi to go out in,

is that all right?

-Oh!

-Off you go, Wilf.

-What's going on?

-Off we go.

-Hello? Driver?

Driver? Driver?

-Does my agent know about this?

-Reversing.

Please welcome, today's special guest, from Coronation Street,

it's Jennie Mucklepine, who plays Fiz Stape.

Firstly, it's Jennie McAlpine,

and secondly what is going on here, Hacker?

-You are my guest on today's Hacker Time.

-What does that entail?

30 minutes of total and utter nonsense, basically.

Oh, and what makes you think I will stay for that?

Well, I have a lovely hotpot.

You lot on Corrie always seem to be eating hotpot.

Oh, well, if that is the case. I am all yours.

-Belting. Bring on the hotpot!

-That is not a hotpot.

-Yes it is, love.

She is a pot and she is very hot.

Now that is sorted,

it is time to educate the audience on the subject of you.

-Here is everything you need to know about Jenny Mucklepine.

-MCALPINE!

Bless you. Pull that lever, my old cock-sparrow.

Jennie McAlpine is a TV woman who has got red hair.

She has played Fiz in Coronation Street since Victorian times.

More recently, Fiz was sent to trial for trumping. "Not again!"

"Sorry, there was beans in the canteen."

The problem is so bad that the rest of the cast must stand

at least one car's distance away from her.

Things have gone from bad to worse of late

and after getting arrested at a funeral for trumping,

she ended up in prison where her cellmate

made hurtful comments about her tabard.

But her trumping problems just won't stop.

-FARTING

-"Sorry!"

"Will you just stop it with the beans, Fiz."

It got so bad, she managed to clear everyone out

of Hayley Cropper's wedding.

Look at Hayley! She is furious.

That is all you need to know about Jenny Mucklepine.

HACKER LAUGHS

What did you make of that?

Well, Hacker, it was factually incorrect.

-You are factually incorrect.

-That does not make sense.

-You do not make sense.

-Right, I will be going now.

-You'll be going now.

-Thank goodness for that.

-No, no, don't go. Don't go, Jennie.

-I have a proper interview prepared for you.

-Right, all right.

I'll stay as long as it is sensible.

Jennie, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-I can hear you, you know.

-That's awkward. Oh, all right then.

Question one. You appear on a programme called Coronation Street.

-On what road is that programme set?

-Coronation Street.

What a confusing show it is, this.

-Now, your character is called Fiz Stape.

-Yes.

-But before she got married her name was Fiz Brown.

-Yes.

-Fiz Brown!

-Is that a medical complaint?

-No. No.

-Next question!

-What is your favourite soap?

-Coronation Street.

Hold on, I have not finished the question.

It was, what is your favourite soap -

a lavender-scented bar or one of those antibacterial hand washes?

-This is not a sensible interview, Hacker.

-Why?

-It is not sensible.

Now, Jennie, I am thinking of moving house.

I have an estate agent brochure down here all about Weatherfield.

That's where Coronation Street is

and it says in the last couple of years

there has been a massive tram crash.

At least five of the residents have been to prison,

including you, you naughty woman.

And, worst of all, you can't ride your bike with all them cobbles.

-Oh, yes.

-What more do you want?

-I love Coronation Street, me.

I was even in an episode once with Roy and Hayley Cropper.

-Do you remember it?

-No, I'm pretty sure that did not happen.

Well, it truly did happen, cockers. Have a gander at this.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Roy Cropper here.

Hi, Roy, it is your old friend Hacker T Dog here. Guess what?

I've been working on my allotment

and I have harvested a very large marrow.

Oh, really? Well, that is very late in the season.

Well, I've been treating the soil with goat manure like you told me.

Even so, it is quite unusual.

Anyway, I wondered if you fancied coming over.

I could serve it up with a bit of fried mince

and a rich tomato and basil sauce.

-I'm afraid not. I'm sorry.

-Not even if I use my best crockery?

-Perhaps another night.

-But, Roy, I'm just so lonely.

ROY LAUGHS

-Roy, there is no need to laugh at my misery.

-Thank you for calling.

The cheek of it! I'll phone Norris instead.

-Oh, I've not got his number.

-I'll give you Norris's number.

-Have you got him on speed dial?

-Yes, of course I have.

Now, Jennie Mucklepine, have you noticed that

when everything is going well in a soap,

some bad news comes along and ruins everything in a dramatic fashion?

Yes, it does.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, no. I'll just get this.

Who could possibly be ringing me now? Everything is going so well.

Hello. Oh, no! I don't believe it.

How can this be? Please say it is not so.

What's that? It is so! No! I can't believe it. Tragic news.

Oh, right, then. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Are you all right, what was all that about?

Oh, I don't know, I couldn't hear him. It was a bad line.

Something about a wolf or something. Anyway, what is next, Derek?

I think you will find I am next, ducky. It is Derek Time.

Oh, no, you don't. This is my show, Derek.

You are not polluting my airwaves with your nonsense.

Not even if I threaten to show the photograph?

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Not the photograph!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Have you seen it and all?

Yeah! It's all round Coronation Street.

We have it pinned up in the cabin.

All right, Derek, you win. Do your show, then shred that photograph.

Here we go then, me ducks.

Here's me sting.

Woo-hoo! It's Derek Time.

Hello, again.

On today's show we haven't got time to show you

the cat that is sick of Derek Time.

Or the chicken that is sick of Derek Time.

Come on, Mr Chicken. Wake up! How can you be bored of me?

I'm dead exciting.

But we do have time to show you

one of the greatest video clips of all time.

It's a frog, on a bench. I wonder what he is doing?

Maybe he's just waiting for the number 51 bus to Chesterfield?

Maybe he is basking in the sun on the way to the library

to return some overdue books?

Or maybe he is just waiting to be TOAD away. Hoo-Hoo! TOAD, get it?

Like a frog. It sort of works, it is like a joke, ain't it?

Oh, I have disgraced myself again. Back to you, Hacker.

Derek, you have disgraced everyone with that behaviour.

-Oh, I'm furious. Now, Jennie Mucklepine.

-McAlpine!

I do love Coronation Street. I really, really, do. I love Rita.

I love Norris "Nozzer" Cole.

I love Ken Barlow's immaculate side parting.

-Oh, yes, he has a lovely head of hair.

-He has a fabulous mane.

-But there is one thing I cannot stand.

-What?

It is Hayley Cropper's unsightly red anorak!

Oh, it is a disgrace!

I love the woman but her taste in coatwear makes my blood boil!

-Oh, that is a bit mean, Hacker!

-Do you know what, Jennie?

There is only one way I can communicate my feelings

on this matter and that is through the medium of song.

Cue the music, me old Cocker.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Up in Greater Manchester There is a woman in a cafe

# With a cheeky smile and raven hair

# She is a treat for all to see

# She goes by the name of Hayley and her husband is a man called Roy

# They live on a backstreet terrace in a marital state of joy

# But one thing about this woman that constantly gets my goat

# Is that wizened piece of fabric allegedly called a coat

# Anorak, red anorak Threadbare and slightly torn

# Anorak, red anorak Shabby and very worn

# Anorak, red anorak Object of all my scorn

# She has worn that crimson jacket now for more than 14 years

# But the chequered lining in the hood still reduces me to tears

# I don't know why she still wears it

# Maybe she likes the toggles or the zipper and button combo

# The mind really truly boggles

# I suppose she thinks that it's trendy

# I suppose she thinks that it is cool

# But she will never grace the catwalk in that rancid old cagoule

# Anorak, red anorak Threadbare and slightly torn

# Anorak, red anorak Shabby and very worn

# Anorak, red anorak Object of all my scorn. #

Jenny, what are you doing wearing that atrocity?!

What are you thinking of?

-Sorry, Hacker. I'm just a bit cold.

-I am furious!

You come in here, put the anorak on,

I sang about my disdain for it and you put it on.

I'm livid!

Yet another despicable episode of Hacker Time.

Benjamin, get a pen and paper.

-We are writing another letter of complaint.

-Do we have to, Frank?

-Yes, now be quick about it.

-OK.

-Here we go.

Dear the BBC, why must you spend a whole episode of Hacker Time

glorifying soap operas?

These shows are totally unrealistic.

Real life is not fall of dramatic revelations like that.

-Frank, I have a dramatic revelation for you.

-Benjamin, what is it?

-I have forgotten how to write.

-Benjamin!

That's better. I got those fruits off me bonce.

Hacker, did you just hear something?

Oh, it's probably my stomach rumbling, Jennie.

No, it sounded more like cockroaches or something.

Well, that figures. But my stomach is still rumbling.

-STOMACH RUMBLES

-That means make me a sandwich!

But I'm the guest!

Make me a sandwich, post haste! And don't skimp on the meat paste, love.

You're not doing fiction now!

While Jennie Mucklepine's doing that,

why don't you lot take a look at what's coming up?

Still to come, soap slip-ups...

STUDIO LAUGHTER

..brilliant bowling...

and crime capers.

Oof! A-a-a-w!

Don't go away.

Thanks for the sandwich, Jennie. It's not a bad effort.

If I was to mark it out of ten I'd give it an F.

Oh, right. Thank you very much(!)

Now, Jennie off Coronation Street,

your character Fiz works in a clothing factory.

-What sort of garments does she make?

-Knickers.

Ooh, Jennifer! There's no need to be rude.

I was asking a perfectly reasonable question.

-No, I'm saying that's what we stitch, knickers!

-Oh, I see. Knick-knacks.

But I tell you what though,

you wouldn't think Fiz works in the fashion industry, would you?

I mean, look at the state of this fabric-based travesty.

KLAXON BLARES

-What's wrong with that?

-I think your character needs some advice

from the fashion experts. And I know the very people. Stay there!

And make me another sandwich!

Here we go!

Y'all right, everybody?

ALL: Hello, Hacker!

-Are you all well?

-ALL: Yeah.

Good. D'you reckon you can help me become a proper stylish celebrity?

-ALL: Yes.

-Very well.

Set to it and design me some garments, good people.

-Hello, Ben! What have you drawn?

-It's a shirt with extendable arms

and extendable bottoms.

You said "Extendable bottoms!"

Ha-ha-ha! Bottom!

GIGGLING

Bottom!

Ha-ha-ha! Bottom.

-Ooh, a new outfit for me, what's in it?

-A skirt and blue boots.

Oh, I'd love to wear a skirt and blue boots,

but, oh, I've not got the legs for it. Ohh!

Connor, what have you drawn?

I've drawn...I've drawn the cracker-stacker.

-That rhymes with Hacker.

-It's got a jet-pack at the back.

-Aww!

What an amazing thing! Bottom!

Right, you lot! Let's hit the catwalk.

Herman, bring in the box of stuff.

Here you go, Hacker. Eeh, urgh, who-oa!

CRASH

Up now, we've got Alicia here.

Oh, what are those? Rubber gloves? She certainly will clean up

when she makes her name big in the fashion world, baby.

Coming up now is Taneesha.

Look at her saunter down the catwalk with her fabulous tiara,

which looks a little bit like it's from, erm...

free with some cereal or something.

Up now, we've got Rebecca, who's sporting a lovely chicken hat

and some undies.

Oh-oh, they've fallen down. Knickers, please!

So, what have we learned today?

Number one, clothes come in a variety

of different shapes, colours and sizes.

Number two, clothes are an essential part of everyday life.

And number three... Ooh, look! I'm not wearing any clothes!

Ooh, I'm naked. Ooh, me privets are everywhere!

That's it, I'm out of here. Thanks for all your help, everyone.

-Bye-bye.

-ALL: Bye, Hacker.

Yeah, now I must get back to the studio.

They can't be having much fun there without me.

MUSIC: "Street Life" by Randy Crawford

Y'all right, cockers? I'm back!

What in the name of a gibbon's left armpit's going on in here?

This is my show, stop the music! Stop them lights!

You're not meant to enjoy yourselves without me.

Jennifer Mucklepine, come here!

-I think you should apologise to me.

-Sorry.

-And you costumed characters, apologise!

-ALL: Sorry, Hacker.

That's all right. I still don't understand why we've got a lemon.

It's a bit weird, that is.

Now, Jennie, you actors do your best

-to make soaps look like real life, don't you?

-Yeah.

Well, let's have a look at some people who just can't get it right.

Run those howlers, Derek!

'Oh, look. It's the Queen Victoria Public Inn.

'Oh, don't throw a...

'Oh, no! It's landed atop Phil Mitchell's bonce-age.

'Everyone's looking at you, Phil.'

-Blood pressure's normal.

-'Is it?'

-But your temperature's...

'It's through the roof! Your blood pressure!

'Jane, no! Don't take his carrier bag.

'All his hankies are in there, he might need it!'

HE SNEEZES

'I told you, look! He had to use his hand! Filthy!

'Now, you be careful with that ice-cream on a summer's...

'You've dropped your dairy produce, man! What are you playing at?

'Ian, no! Oh-oh, old Limpy Beale back on the scene.

'He's lost his shoe!

'One-shoe Beale!'

Ha-ha-ha! What a load of moo-eys, eh, Jennie?

I bet you never get it wrong like that.

Oh, no, no. We are very professional at Coronation Street.

It's a good job you said that,

for I am going to put your soap acting skills to the test.

I have written a top-drawer drama series,

and I want you to play the role of Valerie Toothbrush,

a down-to-earth cafeteria owner.

Right, and who are you going to play?

Most of the other roles, of course, for I am top-drawer

and a dead good actor. Derek, run the titles!

JENNIE SIGHS

Right, here you go! One grapefruit and stilton pasty! Thank you.

He's a right cheeky monkey, that one.

-Hello, missus!

-Oh, well, look who it is.

If it isn't Mildred Wrongwhistle, the local battle-axe.

That's enough of the small-talk, missus. I want summat to eat.

-OK, what can I get ya?

-I'd like a place...

Ah, well, you are in luck, Mildred,

because today's special is actually plaice.

Hang on. I hadn't finished talking. I'd like a place...to sit.

Oh, right, well, go on. Sit down here, then. OK, what can I get you?

-I'd like a place...

-I've just told you today's special is plaice!

Not that sort of plaice! I want a place-mat!

Oh, right, here you go then.

Now chuck that fish away and do as I order!

-Now, what can I get you to eat?

-Plaice, please.

-I believe it's today's special.

-And I've just chucked it away!

That does it! I'm never eating in this establishment again.

-Good day, sir!

-Good riddance.

-Leave that. Don't need it anyway.

I'll bring your wig after. Wonder who me next customer's going to be?

Hello, lady!

Well, hello! If it isn't Alfred Shoulderpad, the local old man.

Well, if it isn't me, then I'd best be going. Good day.

See ya. I wonder who me next customer'll be.

I said, I wonder who me next customer will be!

-Give us a minute, love, I'm just getting me wig on!

-Hurry up!

Hello, lady.

Oh, well, if it isn't Judith Twelve-Knuckles,

the local hairdresser.

-What will it be?

-Do you have frog's legs?

-Yes.

-Then you better go and get that seen to, love.

-Do you have pig's trotters?

-Yes.

Then you better get that seen to as well!

Do you have a trout's face, an aardvark's nose

and a kangaroo's eyeballs?

-No, I certainly do not!

-But that's what I really fancied for my lunch!

In that case, I am never eating in this cafeteria again!

Good day, sir! I'm off!

JENNIE SIGHS I wonder who me next customer'll be.

Ooh, hello, lady.

-I realised it was me after all, so I came back.

-What would you like?

A new pair of windscreen wipers and a set of hubcaps, please.

But we only sell food here.

In that case, I'm never eating at this car mechanics ever again!

That's it! Hacker, I've had enough of this!

I cannot stand here and be the butt of your jokes anymore!

-Where are you going?

-I'm going to sit on the sofa

and be the butt of your jokes in comfort instead!

Fair enough. Why don't you lot watch some proper acting instead?

It's time for the latest instalment of my detective series,

Sherlock Bones.

-Run it, Derek!

-Right you are, Mr Hacker!

Hoo-hoo!

'This is the sinister town of Teapot,

'where trouble's always on the brew! It's a joke!'

A-agh! Sherlock, my diamonds have been stolen!

Since when have you been able to afford diamonds? I barely pay her...

Sherlock, you've got to find out who stole them.

Oh, yes! For this is a case for...

Sherlock Bones!

I might have a dark and shady past, Mr Bit,

but I can assure you, that's all behind me now. Got it?

Good. Right, moving on, what d'you think of my new diamonds?

Stop, police!

Oof! Aw-w-w-w!

Every time! Anyway, I come in here on urgent business.

Right, well it'll have to wait. I'm serving Mr Bit,

while telling him about loving diamonds so much it's criminal!

Anyway, this rash I've got. It's very red and sore,

it's also quite flaky...

Mr Bit. Ha-ha! Mr Bit! Woo-hoo! Mr Bit...

Mr Bit!

-Sherlock, have you got something to say?

-Yes, I have, yes.

I cannot go a moment longer without saying this.

Mrs Doo...

you look divine in all those diamonds.

But on an unrelated matter, has anyone seen some stolen diamonds?

MRS DOO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

What an odd question! Who'd steal diamonds? Not me!

That's all in my past. Oh, look, medicines!

Sherlock, do you think Mrs Doo might have something to do with this?

I don't know what Mrs Doo and her insatiable love of diamonds

-has got to do with this!

-Well, she's got a sign on her back that says,

-"I definitely stole the diamonds."

-We've all had signs on our backs.

Agh-oh! A-agh! B-w-wf!

Look.

Sherlock, I'm pretty sure that the thief is right in this room.

-HE GASPS

-YOU stole the diamonds?

-No.

Well, if you didn't steal the diamonds...

Mrs Doo, did you, DOO, do it?

-No.

-If Mrs Doo didn't do it, then...

I must have stolen the diamonds!

I've got to arrest myself! Come on, me! Down the station!

You'll never take me alive! Yes, I will! You're hurting me arm!

-Stop being a wimp!

-Sherlock, you've got it wrong!

Ha-ha-ha! What d'you think of that, Jennie?

Er...yeah, it was good.

I wouldn't give up your day job.

Could you get me a part in Corrie?

I can do lots of funny faces like Steve MacDonald does, look.

-Oh, yeah.

-Or there's this one.

-Or my favourite that he does.

-Oh, yeah, that's uncanny.

-He does that. What d'you think?

-Brilliant.

We've had a lovely day, haven't we, Jennie?

-Er, well, YOU have.

-Well, one of us had to.

But quite frankly,

I'm tiring of your company now, so, you know, get out.

-What?

-You know where the door is. Go on, make a move.

Don't you want to hear me showbiz anecdotes?

-I've got loads about Norris Cole, Emily Bishop...

-No.

That's your lot. Off you go now, bye-bye.

See ya later, Jennie, and take that wretched anorak with you, please!

-I will.

-I'm sick of it! Mind me paintwork. Pull the door!

-All right!

-Pull it, and mind your hair on the way out!

-Thanks for having me.

No worries, love.

What a lovely woman! I've got all her albums!

Anyway, now that she's cleared off,

I'm going to show you some of the best LOLs from around the world.

It's time for...

Hacker's Top Three Dramatic Howlers!

In at three, it's my main man. Disco Owl!

HACKER HUMS "DISCO INFERNO"

Look at him dance! Mmm-mmm!

A lesser comedian would make a joke about him having a right hoot!

But I'm better than that.

At Two, I wouldn't want to get a slap from this hand.

A-a-a-agh! It's Kung-Thumb!

Ha-ha-ha! It's funny cos it looks cross!

And finally, you're going to be bowled over

by our Number One Dramatic Howler.

Now what's he doing, here?

Oh look, it looks like... yes, you're right,

he looks like he's going on strike!

Ha-ha-ha!

Apparently, he kept sliding all the way to Dunstable!

Thanks for watching my little show. It's been proper good, hasn't it?

At times, I've been frightened by my own hosting talents.

I'm off now, though, cos I've got a pork loin

defrosting in my kitchenette, so I'll see you next time.

All that's left for me to do is sing my well good end song.

Join in if you know the words! Good day!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I've found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it'll be top-drawer

# The lovely Jennie Mucklepine dropped in to say hello

# She's got a face and curly hair

# But I had enough so I told her it was time to go

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd