Ceallach Spellman Hacker Time

You've got to watch this. Pfft!

You've got to watch this.

You've got to watch this!

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

# Ha! You can't touch

-# Stop!

-Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Standby, studio. On air in ten...

nine...

DEREK! WE'RE ON AIR IN...eight...

seven...six...

DEREK! ..five...four... DEREK! QUICK!

In three... This will be a total disaster. ..two...one...

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Ho-ho!

Download complete. On with the show!

Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to see something truly amazing!

But before that, here's Hacker.

All right, cockers? Have we got a show for you today?!

Seriously, have we? We have? Oh, good. Now that's sorted,

I'm honoured to say we have a world televisual first.

You literally won't believe your eyes when you see this.

It's going to be amazing.

Oh, the smell's drifting in.

Time to take drastic measures, Lolly.

Derek, not now!

It stinks in here. I must do something or we'll perish!

You only have yourself to blame!

Move over so I can plug this air freshener in

before we all pass out.

And so without any further ado,

it's my great honour to present the dancing Otter Display Team!

Hoo-hoo! We'll have fresh air in no time, Lolly!

Derek! It's using all the power!

I can smell the difference already!

I'm unplugging it.

Thank you!

Thank you, the Otter Display Team of Great Britain there.

What an amazing display - went without any hitches.

You'll never see anything as amazing again on TV ever again!

It's going to be a good show. Derek! Run the menu!

Yes, Mr Hacker. Well done.

Coming up today, cutting-edge games,

-highbrow interviews.

-Will you only be in programmes that end in "oad"?

And a pigeon stuck in bread!

Don't go changing, my little owls!

I still can't believe what those otters did with that jelly

and the motorbike. That's amazing!

Anyway, the only way from here is up.

This situation needs a high-profile guest.

Someone fresh, new and exciting. Herman! You've got my brief,

now go outside and see what you can cobble together.

Wilf, Herman - off you go!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I'll fire up the van.

Ha-ha-ha!

MUSIC: "Mission Impossible Theme"

Stay here...

-What's going on?

-Off you go, Wilf!

Off we go.

This is weird.

I'll just reverse it...

Please welcome today's special guest -

-Ceal from Friday Download?!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This isn't the moment!

I said, "Bring me some fresh, new and exciting..."

This kid's on everything...

-What's that, Hacker?

-No, it's fine.

We see you everywhere - Friday Download, All Over The Place,

the CBBC office, might as well give you more air time, whatever(!)

You had me thrown in that van!

It was an administrative error, Sonny Jim. Off you pop!

You're making me look bad here, mate.

I am fresh, new, exciting - everything you said!

What can you do?

-Loads.

-Go on, then.

-I got a really bad neck, you know?

-Really?

-Really sore.

I have to crack it. CRACKING

Ceal, your neck's gone awry! Are you all right?

No. I'm horrified.

It's just a bottle.

That's amazing! Kelvin, you're in!

Pull that blue lever.

Having a fact file of everyone who ever lived

was money well spent, cockers!

Ceallach Spellman has a name that's very difficult to spell.

He used to be on Waterloo Road,

where he played a windswept schoolboy,

alongside some giant women.

Now he's a presenter on Friday Download.

They all work in perfect harmony together.

"Hello - and welcome - to - Friday - chicken."

"Eh, Dan!"

He grew up as part of a medieval castle in Bicester,

until his wish was granted and he became a real boy.

His hobbies include pointing at ceilings,

pointing forwards,

and dressing like that.

You're meant to be fashionable. Oh, what a mess you are.

It's not all smiles.

At the dentist, he asked for a crown to be fitted,

and wasn't happy with the result.

He meant a tooth crown. What a LOL.

At the end of the day, he's a normal young man who likes nothing more

than to go home, dress as a morris dancer,

and sit in darkness with his trusty plant, Eric.

Still, at least Ceal knows he's got his great dancing to fall back on.

Not!

That's all you need to know about Ceallach Spellman.

Ha-ha! Did you enjoy it?

It was...average.

Who made you details queen?

Anyway - you have a lot of fans out there.

So I shall now conduct an interview,

if only to calm the screaming girls.

SCREAMS

I let them in because I thought they were here for me.

Turns out they were very much not.

-Ahem. Question one. You're on Friday Download.

-Yes.

Have you ever thought about doing some new "Downloads"?

-How about "Dad Download"?

-No.

"No-yes-no-madam-oh! Download"?

That hasn't...

"Shaka-laka-boom-boom...ha-ha Download"?

Maybe that one.

Good, question two. Have you ever uploaded anything on a Friday?

-No.

-Now, Ceal, can I be honest?

-Yes.

I don't know why you're on that show,

because you're a bit out of touch.

Behold the evidence!

Hello, everyone. This is the Games Download, with Ceal, Dionne

and Tyger.

I'll show you a cool game, a cool gadget,

and then we'll be doing the Tyger Verses.

First, we're lucky enough to be previewing a game

that doesn't come out till later this year.

This game comes with something never seen before.

BUZZER BLEEPS

COMPUTER MUSIC

That is insane.

This is a new level in gaming.

It's good, isn't it?

Good? It's incredible!

I, er...

-What d'you think, Ceal?

-I don't remember playing that game.

To be fair, it went down a storm in Uruguay.

Moving on, you've been in Waterloo Road and Friday Download.

Yes.

Will you only be in programmes that end in "oad"?

All Over the Place doesn't end in "ode".

Very interesting(!)

For our next question, I think we have a caller on the line.

Ceallach! Pick up your handset, and poise said aerial.

-Poising the aerial.

-Good work.

Hello, who's on line one?

Hello. It's me, Keith

from Betterer Broadband.

-What makes it betterer?

-You get a free pen!

That Ceal's done 36 episodes of Friday Download,

plus a Christmas special,

not to mention his obsession with pictures of happy tractors.

That's all very well, but he's reached his download limit!

-What?! I don't believe this!

-Why? Did you not get your free pen?

No, it's not that!

Excuse me! Is someone going to give me

some money or what for the additional data?

Just hang up, Ceal! That's all gone somewhat awry, hasn't it?

Fortunately, I think we've got another caller. Who's on line two?

All right, dude? We're missing you, man.

That's so sweet, bro! Cheers, man - it means a lot.

We're not talking about you, mate!

In that case, thank you for saying them lovely things about me.

-We not talking about you, Hacker!

-But that leaves...

-'Harry Tongue! Got to text me some time.'

-You?!

Yah-dah!

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm sorry about him.

-Now, Callum...

-Ceal.

-I'll be the judge of that.

-So, Kyle...

-Ceal.

..you present Friday Download with five other people.

How well do you know them?

Question 1 of 307 on how well you know the downloaders is,

when was Tyger born?

1996?

I'm sorry, the answer was 11:37am.

Probably. I imagine it was around that time.

Question 2 of 307 -

what did Georgia have for breakfast?

I don't know!

Hmm, not doing well, are we?

Luckily, there are 305 questions still to go.

Question 3 of 307.

Which went lav-lav most recently?

I don't know!

-Question 4 of 307...

-Hacker! Please!

I can't take any more of 307 questions of rubbish.

-I could do my item now!

-What is it, Derek?

It's pure rubbish, Ceallach. Pure dross!

I want to give him that chance. Go on, Derek.

Hoo-hoo! It's Derek Time! Hee-hee!

Today we haven't got time to show you the pigeon

that can't remember where he's left his bread...

Coo-coo! I mean, hoo-hoo!

..but we do have time to show you today's top clip.

This man - look at the speed of him!

He's putting sweets in a bag. I'm proud of him.

Hoo-hoo! What an amazing, impressive and utterly pointless trick.

Back to you, Hacker!

You brought that upon yourself.

I told you it was utter drivel, didn't I?

Oh, hello! Thanks, Derek.

How you have enriched our lives once again(!)

Now it's time for some serious chat.

Let's get to the root of you, Ceal.

Yeah, OK.

I asked you here today.

I was thrown in a van and you said it was "an administrative error"!

Well, we're in it now, making the best of it.

-There is something I've always wondered about you.

-What's that?

I'll tell you, but via the medium of song.

Hit it!

# Georgia does the style

# Smiling at us while

# She tries to help us with our fashion woes

# Music's done by Dionne

# She sometimes sings a song

# Her voice is like a warming summer's day

# Aidan's got the moves

# A robot boy in shoes

# He bobs his head in such a quirky way

# Tyger does the games

# Richard of Beaker fame

# Tells us what to do with our weekends

# But tell me What does Ceallach do?

# What kind of download is his?

# He tries to do some dancing

# But he's pretty bad at that

# Messing up the steps and showing himself up

# So what does Ceallach do?

# He's a man of questionable skills

# He's an actor, just like Richard

# So the job's been filled So what does Ceallach...

# What does Ceallach...

# What does Ceallach do? #

I do the TV and Movie Download.

Well, that answers that, then.

-Awkward.

-BELL CHIMES

I've had enough. That dog doesn't know anything, Benjamin.

You know what we have to do!

Durr...write another letter of complaint, Frank?

No! We need a more immediate way of getting to them.

-Benjamin, we're going to give the BBC a ring!

-OK, Frank.

While he's gone to get the phone, time to think about what to say...

"Hello, the BBC. I'm disgusted with this Hacker Time programme."

No. "I'm horrified."

No. "Sickened to the pit of my soul!"

Here you go, Frank.

What is that?

Well, you said you would give the BBC a ring,

so I picked this especially.

The BBC's bound to want to marry you now, Frankie!

Benjamin!

-What was that noise?

-Sorry, I just trumped.

No, it more like something from the floorboards - not a trump.

Good, because I didn't trump.

I don't know why I say these things, Right then, viewers.

Don't go anywhere cos there's plenty more to come.

I might even trump, or pretend I have. Anything could happen!

Derek, run the menu.

Still to come on today's Hacker Time. Dancing...

disappointment...

-Louder!

-Sorry, Hacker.

..and despair.

HAROLD TONGUE!

My beloved tongue-d cup! Argh!

It's going to be great, me little owls.

What a top drawer selection of treats still to come, Ceal.

Yup.

Do you like my new threads?

I have my shirt open with just the top button fastened,

like Aidan does.

And not cos it's broken.

-It's not broken. It's fashion. It's fashionable, isn't it?

-It is.

I know about what's hot and what's less hot.

I've seen that bit of your show when Aidan does the dancing.

-Well, he's been getting it all wrong.

-Erm...

Yes, he has. That's the correct answer.

Would you like me to teach you dance moves, Kelvin?

It's Ceal! Yes. OK, if we have to.

All right, then, kiddo! Watch and learn.

Get ready with this one.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ooh, ooh.

MUSIC: "Dance With Me Tonight" by Olly Murs

-Go on!

-Ooh, what's happening?.

That's nothing like it. It's this.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ooh, ooh.

A-lama-heeya.

-Hoo, ah-ha!

-That's rubbish. I didn't even do that!

Ceal, you're rubbish!

-Cut the music!

-MUSIC STOPS

I'll speak to some young people that might have moves - unlike you!

Whilst I'm gone, try and get your dance cool like me,

and less like a dad dancing at a wedding.

You sicken me, Ceallach!

Here we go!

-All right, everyone?

-ALL: Hello, Hacker!

It's me - Hacker off the telly.

Would you help me with my dance career?

ALL: Yeah!

Hooray! They're going to help me.

Herman, bring in the box o' stuff.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ah, ha-hem!

Ooh!

Here you go, Hacker. Here's the b...

Oh!

Oh, no - I've become entangled in me own misery.

Everyone, copy me! Here we go! Ah-hem.

La-la-la, la-la-la.

La-la-lee, la-la-lee.

What's your best dance move?

Oh, yeah!

La-la.

Oh, he's off. He's on a rampage now.

-(ROBOT VOICE)

-I am a robot.

Would you like tea or coffee?

"Go, Hacker! Go, Hacker!"

Tea or coffee? Tea or coffee?

ANVIL CLANGS

What are you doing that for?

You got me on the head then. You did. You got me...

Hee-hee! Don't tickle me.

So, what have we learned today?

Number one - I can't dance.

Number two - you can dance.

And number three, well... I just drew a couple of cherries.

Couple of nice cherries.

Right, I'm off. Cheers for all your help. Bye-bye, everyone!

-ALL: Bye!

-Now I must get back to the studio.

I wonder how they're getting on without me.

# Pia-pia-piano, piano, piano

# Pia-pia-piano

# Pia-pia-piano

# I am the music man I come from down your way

-# And I can play

-What can you play?

# I play the drums... #

Yoo-hoo! I'm back! Did you miss me?

Ow!

That's what happens when you mess around with friends.

And as for you pesky costume characters. You can apologise!

ALL: Sorry, Hacker.

Louder!

ALL: Sorry, Hacker.

That's better.

You shouldn't be hanging round with that lot. No good will come of it.

I'm sorry.

Well, to clear the air, how about we have a nice LOL,

which could be extended to a nice ROFL if all goes well.

Does that sound good, Kelvin?

Ceal! Yes. But it's Ceal!

Run some howlers, Derek!

And why have we still got this lemon knocking about?!

I'm about to battle with one of Britain's most feared predators.

Predators that are lying in ambush...

'I think you may have gone to the wrong area.

'The mic's in shot!'

Hindus also celebrate death...

'Don't drop 'em. Don't drop 'em!

'He's dropped 'em! You put him off!'

The logs came off! That could've been real trouble!

'Now, what are you gonna do with that 'laccy band there?

'Oh, what a mooey!'

They are both going for European football this season.

The North East now is really making a noise, isn't it? Martin O'Neil...

'Yeah. And so's this!'

ALARM

It's nothing short of incredible.

'See? It's the alarm!

'That's it, don't rush. Just stay there.'

TANNOY: ATTENTION PLEASE

'Don't bother evacuating'

We may have to evacuate!

'Did you mean to do that, sir?

'I meant the jumper. Did you mean to wear that horrible tank top?

'Is it the '70s?!'

HACKER LAUGHS

'Oh! His upper leg!'

Hey, those howlers were good, weren't they?

You wouldn't catch us doing that at Friday Download.

No, Cecilly.

Ceal. Ceal, not Cecilly.

I've brought you over to the Download area of my studio.

Amazing what you can do with an old sheet. I've only slept on 'em once.

Yeah. I think ours is a little bit more professional.

HE GROWLS

-What do you do here?

-What do you do here more like?

HE LAUGHS

OK, well, I'll just tell you.

You work on a TV programme that's all about downloads and things,

but what would happen if you made it more extreme?

What if you had a mega-download?!

You'd feel quite refreshed, I'm guessing.

This'll be anything but refreshing, Ceal.

We've got to get as many different downloads within a time limit.

Herman will choose the downloads. Are you ready, Herman?

What are we talking about now?

The download thing we rehearsed!

Sorry about him, Ceal. He came free in a meal deal.

Come on, Herman, pull it together!

First up is dance download. Your time starts now.

MUSIC: "She Makes Me Wanna" by JLS

Singing download!

MUSIC: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

# It's not money, money, money

# We just wanna make the world ...#

Dress up as a woman download!

MUSIC: "Womanizer" by Britney Spears

-# I'm a woman, yes #

-I would like to be a woman. #

Rave download!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Titanic download!

MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

# Every night in my dreams I see you I feel you...#

I love you, Leonardo.

I love you too!

Scare the lemon download!

THEY MAKE SILLY NOISES

Wind download.

Wind download?!

Don't worry about this one! Spellman's got this one in the bag.

Setting up...

HE FARTS LOUDLY

Kelvin! He didn't mean wind as in trump, he meant as in a mild gust!

I'm so mad, I could...

HE FARTS LOUDLY

It's gone everywhere!

Let's bypass this shambles and watch a top-end drama what I'm in.

Here's the Adventures of Sherlock Bones.

It's much higher brow than this. You'll see, Ceal.

Don't sniff me.

You smell!

This is Teapot, the home of the greatest detective known to man.

Sherlock Bones! Are you kiddin'?

Dear Diary. Today I looked into the crime of a missing apple juice,

but then I found it in the cupboard covered in dust.

What am I like?!

On a related note, dear diary, I've got personal business

of a wet nature to attend to.

LIQUID TRICKLES

Oh, that's not right!

Better get that looked at.

This is a mystery, but this time,

it's of a personal nature.

And when I came back in, it was gone!

I'm livid, I am.

So what did you do, Do?

It's Mrs Do to you.

Sorry. What did you do, Mrs Do?

HE SNIGGERS

I'm sorry. It's still funny. Do Do.

HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

Allow me.

Mrs Do. I have something you might be interested in.

Oh! Sherlock! It's a miracle!

Not sure I'd call it that.

She hadn't even told me the cordial had gone

-and you've found it already! You're good at this.

-Ow!

Let's celebrate with a lovely glass of lemon cordial!

I'm in over my head here. Yikes!

Unbelievable!

Dear Diary. I've done a terrible thing.

I should've just told them what it was. I'm in big trouble now.

-BANGING AT DOOR Sherlock!

-No!

This isn't lemon cordial at all!

OK! I'll admit it!

It is what you thought it was.

It's apple cordial.

It's been in the cupboard for a while,

so I wanted Mrs Do to tell me whether it was off or not.

Ah, that's what it is! If anything, I prefer apple to lemon cordial.

It's not off - it's delicious!

Oh, I feel so silly now!

What am I like?!

THEY LAUGH

Got ya! Ha! It wasn't about widdle at all!

It was cordial-based fun. Ceallach!

-Yeah?

-What are you doing?

I got a drink. I was getting a bit bored of that cordial-based talk.

You're drinking out of that?!

Yeah. It was a bit dirty but it's all I could find.

I managed not to swallow any of these but yeah, finished now, so...

HAROLD TONGUE!

My beloved tongue-d cup!

Get out!

-Oh, come on. I think you're getting a bit...

-Just get out!

ALl right.

Get out!

See ya.

-And Ceal!

-Yeah?

Send your mum my love, won't you?

And thank her for those caramel squares she sent.

I'll tell her. Dinner tonight?

I'll be there, big guy!

-See you then!

-Bye-bye!

Mind your head.

I've minded it.

What a lovely fella! I miss him already.

But we can't mope forever because it's time for yet more LOLs.

You've seen what a great dancer I am,

but let's see some other people in action.

It's time for Hacker's Top Three Dancing Howlers!

In at three, this guy's having a bit of a roogie -

a room-based boogie!

# Billie Jean...#

Ha! Look at him! He looks like the Incredible Hulk!

Ooh, not any more, he doesn't.

At two, this little fella knows

exactly how to woo the other spiders!

# It's a dancing spider It's a dancing spider

# He's got his tendrils up and he's got his tendrils down

# He's using his pincers and his little tiny teeth things. #

If that doesn't impress you, love, I don't know what will!

At one, guess what happens to this teeny bopper! Go on, guess!

Oh, be careful! You shouldn't be doing that on your own, love.

Get out. It's nice outside.

Oh, well done! You've broken the fixtures and fittings!

That's right, she falls over. Thank goodness that's over!

You've either got it or you haven't,

which makes me so glad that I definitely have got it.

Right then, that's all we've got time for today.

Thanks for watching my well good show.

I'm off to audition for the otter display team!

I'll see you next time.

Unless I make the team, which I probably will cos I'm quite good,

and otter-like.

I'll leave you today with my catchy little ditty.

G-g-g-g-ta-ra for now, cockers!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# And we've been LOLing at some clips that I found

# Watch again next time cos I've got much more

# There'll be tons of funny stuff It'll be top drawer

# We had Ceal from Friday Download Come in and join the fun

# What a star I think he's great

# Except when he drinks from Harry Tongue

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

See ya!

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd