Sam and Mark Hacker Time

'Hacker Time is filmed in front of a disappointed studio audience.'

Right, everyone, it's series three of Hacker Time,

so we're going to shake things up!

First of all, the lemon

from last series, he's fired!

DUN-DUN-DUN!

That means you, Lemon. Come on, get out of here!

Go on, get out! Ho, ho!

This needs to be our funniest series yet, so no more low-brow humour.

-Hey?

-No wacky costumes, no stupid voices...

THEY GASP

-Can't believe it!

-..and definitely no more falling over and trumping.

You all right, cockers?

Whoa!

PFFFT

HE GASPS

People!

We've got ourselves a show!

THEY LAUGH

Hoo-hoo!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

OK, everyone. Counting to on air in seven, six, five...

Is this a good time to get money off you for Wilf's birthday cake?

No, it isn't, Herman! Get out!

On air in three, two, one, and cue.

Seven across rhymes with orange.

Obvious, it's borange. It's bora...

How do, cockers? Welcome to Hacker Time.

Today I've decided to open the show by telling you

the best joke I've ever heard. Ready?

A beaver walks into a shoe shop...

Mr Hacker? Mr Hacker?

No, no, no. Not now, Herman.

A beaver walks into a shoe shop...

It's very urgent, Mr Hacker!

No!

Stop it, off, what are you doing?

I need to get money off everyone for Wilf's birthday cake.

Cake? How much are we giving?

£2 each.

No chance, the most I'll stretch to is 7p.

-Now, get out!

-All right.

-Go on.

So, as I was saying, a beaver walks into a shoe shop...

HE LAUGHS

That's the joke.

I mean, why would a beaver walk into a shoe shop?

I'll have you know that I work very hard

to finance my large shoe collection.

Upstaged by a beaver!

METALLIC BANG Again.

That beaver won't be bothering us any more.

He's off enjoying the patio I've just dug for him.

My guests today are true CBBC royalty.

Even though they're both over 200 years old,

they're still stars to me.

Larry, send 'em in!

Sure thing, Hacker.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for today's very special guests.

They're double trouble!

-HE LAUGHS

-It's...

The Chuckle Brothers!

Oh! What are you two doing here?

That owl-faced man, Derek McGoo or something, he invited us.

He means me! Hoo-hoo!

Hacker, we don't appreciate you saying we're 200 years old.

I mean, he nearly is, but I'm not!

I was talking about the Chuckle Brothers! Who are you two?

Are you the guys I booked to unblock the toilet?

Hacker, you know who we are. We're Sam & Mark.

Oh, yeah! Sam & Mark!

Never heard of you.

You just stay there, I'm sure it's just a disastrous

and irreversible mix up.

Derek! Who are they?!

Unbelievable.

Derek, these two are rubbish!

They can't do anything funny with

a pane of glass or a ladder or something.

I wanted the Chuckle Brothers!

But Sam & Mark are CBBC royalty!

CBBC Boilty, more like.

-What?

-I don't know what that means, either.

Hacker, watch this.

Sam and Mark first met years ago on Pop Idol.

It's like the X Factor, but old.

Since then, they've become household names,

presenting some show where Fearne Cotton messed up their hair,

as well as TMi, TMi Friday,

Skate Nation, Copycats and

Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up.

They've done everything, which is all you need to know

about Sam & Mark.

That is all well and good,

but can they turn a simple DIY task into utter chaos?

Forget about the Chuckle Brothers!

But I wanted the Chuckle Brothers!

Just get out there.

That way!

-HERMAN:

-'Yeah, guys, this is my main one...'

But I'm hoping to get a steel string off me mum for me birthday.

Do you know what, Herman?

-We've been looking for a new guitarist for our band.

-Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Come and have a jam with us any time, mate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's all this filthy talk about jam?

-Herman, get on out of here!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-Go on.

Oh, I'm sorry about him.

He's like a Christmas cracker, him.

One disappointing joke and a hat.

Now, it would appear that we are stuck with each other

so let's make the best of it.

Samuel! What are you doing?

I'm just texting Herman the address to the jamming session.

I'll pretend you didn't just say that!

Let's move on and find out what's coming up.

Larry!

Put your phones away, folks, because, coming up on today's

Hacker Time, Sam and Mark react to something funny.

THEY LAUGH

Welcome to a new hard-hitting medical documentary, Casually.

And let's have a big hand for...a big hand!

I tell you, you'll laugh till you're hoarse.

HORSE NEIGHS

All to come on Hacker Time!

Looks good, don't it, cockers?

Right, are you ready for some in-depth questioning?

-Big time.

-Yeah.

-Bring it.

Here it goes.

Sam, what I like about you is how you react in a unique way

every time you learn something interesting. Behold!

Interesting.

Interesting.

Interesting. Interesting.

Interesting. Interesting.

Interesting, that.

LAUGHTER

Hey, Sam, do you know any other words?

I... It would appear not.

You know the word "appear", though, cos you just said it.

Yeah!

Hey, did you know that I used to be in a double act?

-No!

-I didn't know that.

But it didn't go as well as planned.

Do you think we should start wearing matching suits?

"No, I'm embarrassed to know you!"

How dare you? "I dare!"

Well, stop daring, it's not nice!

"I'll do whatever I want!"

The double act was over after that.

Anyway, it's about time I asked

some lovely, proper questions, isn't it?

Yeah, come on. Come on. Yes, ready.

You two have been around since the Dark Ages.

Here's photographic evidence.

THEY LAUGH

-That's you, Sam, looking like you need a good wash there.

-I do.

-Look at the beard! That's horrendous!

-Rebel days, that.

I want to be in McFly.

And here's you, Mark,

looking like a middle-aged, female EastEnders character.

Yeah!

Look at the state of you!

What were you thinking there?

I have absolutely no idea.

It's like you're auditioning to be on Friday Download.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, you! Now, you two boys are currently known for presenting

Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up,

-where you surprise members of the audience, don't you?

-Yes.

To find out who's getting the surprise,

Finger of Fun, find us someone!

-# Who's it gonna be?

-# Who's it gonna be?

# Who is it going to be?

# Who's it gonna be? #

Oh, no! Not me!

# Who's it gonna be? #

Go that way!

# Who's it gonna be?

-# Who's it gonna be?

-# Who's it gonna be? #

It's not going to be him, is it?

# Who's it gonna be?

# Who's it gonna be? #

Oh, Mark, it's you! What a surprise!

Now, Mark, are you ready for the surprise of your life?

-Have I got a choice?

-No.

All right, then, I'm ready.

-Now, you know your sister Sue?

-Yeah.

You know how Sue lives in a house?

Yeah.

Is it this house?

That's the one. That's the one!

THEY LAUGH

Yes, that's right! We went to your sister's house.

Let's see what happened next.

Susan! Susan!

SAM: Hey!

Hello! We're doing some filming for Hacker Time!

Oh, I hate that show.

Do you?

She's not a... Susan?

She's not a fan.

She's not a fan.

Susan, come on!

Sue... Sue...

Sue, help me out! Sue, please!

I need your help, Sue!

It's only for...

-Oh, nice one!

-Well, what a waste of time that was.

Did you enjoy all those wind-ups, Sam and Mark?

That was wicked!

-I

-can't believe what my sister said...

-Good old Sue!

-I thought she loved your show...

Cheers, Sue. Thanks for nothing!

She'll not be watching, she hates the show.

She's not a fan, is she?

Anyway, you two are starting to wind me right up.

I'm bored of all this question asking and that.

What's coming up next, Larry?

It's time now for a brand-new documentary

that will make you feel sick...

with joy! It's Casually.

SIREN BLARES

NARRATOR: 'This is Nilbymouth Hospital.

'In this weeks episode, tears...'

PATIENT LAUGHS

'..trauma...'

Nurse, he's got me swab!

-'..and disappointment.'

-I don't believe this!

Cold carrot mash again. Oh, no!

'This is Casually.'

SIREN BLARES

'The doctors here at Nilbymouth Hospital are renowned

'for their professionalism.'

Hello, Mum!

'It's the job of senior surgeon Dr Side-Parting to lead

'his junior doctors in checking on patients.'

I know all the patients by their first names.

Isn't that right, Janet?

It's Steve!

Oh, you'll never get better with that attitude!

-DR POX:

-Now, if you care to take a look at the next patient,

he has a mystery condition.

MACHINE BEEPS

-SIDE-PARTING:

-Well, it's obvious. He's green.

I've always been green! Hoo-hoo!

Well then, stop wasting my time. Next!

-Scalpel.

-'Junior doctor, Dr Pox,

'is in her first week at the hospital...'

-Swab.

-'..and has already been showing her competitive side.'

Scissors.

Paper.

Ah, stone beats scissors! I win!

OBJECTS CRASH

'Fellow junior doctor, Dr Scab,

'isn't finding his first week so easy.'

As you can see from your X-ray, you've got the body of a dog

and a brain the size of a pea.

Are you sure that's right?

Oh, yes. The X-ray machine never lies.

I mean, I should know. I was standing in it the entire time.

Exactly!

You asked me to wait outside while you stood in the machine!

Oh, what am I like?

I'm always getting it the wrong way round! Come on, back we go.

No dawdling!

Oh, me broken leg.

It's 4pm in the ward and one patient is busy picking her nose.

# Do, do, do...#

Ah, yes. I shall have that one!

Right, let's see what your X-ray shows this time.

Oh! I don't believe this!

I know. Yes, turns out it was body of a dog,

brain of a pea syndrome after all.

No, but you've got it wrong again!

What seems to be the problem here?

He X-rayed himself instead of me!

It's perfectly obvious what's happened here.

Your terrible syndrome has made you hysterical.

Now, get this man a chew toy!

-Oh!

-There's a good doggy.

I love being doctor.

SINGS TO MUSIC

'Next week, the doctors

'make a shocking discovery.'

I don't believe it!

I've been doing some detailed internet research

and look what I've found!

Goats that sound like humans!

'Hello, I'm a goat!'

'Only on Casually.'

Who'd have thought that was made by a dog?

Doesn't show, does it, cockers?

-No.

-Now, Sam and Mark, you've known each other for ages, haven't you?

-Ages.

-But Sam, what do you prefer?

Mark or laminate flooring?

-Laminate flooring.

-Mark or meringue?

-Meringue.

-Mark or stoat juice?

Stoat juice, definitely.

-Mark or angry badgers?

-Definitely angry badgers.

-Mark or...

Oh, no, Lolly! This could go on for ever!

-We're going to have to play the emergency film.

-Well, do it quickly.

The viewers will be starting to switch off.

Hoo-hoo! Not once they see this!

Hoo-hoo!

Hello, Derek McGee here. Hoo-hoo!

And today's Derek Time is a celebrity special.

First, Barney the dog is still

traumatised by penguins after the last

expedition to the North Pole.

Oh, it's all right, Barney. This one's not real!

He won't steal your flask this time!

Is that Helen in the background there?

Skelton! Get him a moist towelette, will you?

It's going to go everywhere.

Dizzee Rascal lives up to his dizzy name.

Hey, look, here comes Dizzee now!

He looks all over the place, doesn't he?

Oh, there he goes. Hoo-hoo!

And Hacker T Dog gets rave reviews

from critics for his new show.

Yes, I tune into Hacker Time all the time.

That dog is almost as funny as me. Now, give me my own show!

That's it for Derek Time.

Hopefully things are back to normal in the Hacker Time studio.

Ta-ra for now! Hoo-hoo!

-Derek!

-What now, Mother?

-Mark or curling?

-Curling.

-Mark or submarines?

-Submarines.

Mark or being slapped about the face with a wet fish?

-Mark.

-Yay! I knew you were best mates, cockers!

Would you be interested to hear my thoughts

on the concept of friendship?

No, not really. You've done enough.

Tough! I've planned it now, cockers! Hit it, Herman!

# Friends will help tie your shoes

# If they learn how to first

# Friends won't stop and stare at you

# If you fall in the dirt... #

Oh, it's gone everywhere.

# Friends will stand up for you when

# You call your teacher "Mum"

# Friends will help you get up if

# You fall down on your... #

Hang on, I can't say bum.

# Friends will say that you look nice

# In your deer-stalker hat... #

Oooh!

# Friends will help you get rid of

# A particularly offensive cat... #

CAT MEOWS

# Friends will laugh at your old jokes

# As if they were brand-new... #

So, a beaver...

# Friends won't moan if you leave the toilet

# Smelling of... #

Hold on, I can't say poo!

# Friends will ask to share your chips

# But never buy them back

# Friends are always reminding you

# Of the qualities that you lack

# Friends want you to go and play

# When you're sick of seeing their face

# Friends will tell you that you're weird

# For eating pizza with a crumpet base... #

You're weird, mate!

# Basically every friend I've had

# Has been an utter disgrace, yes! #

What do you think, cocker?

It's a bit negative, isn't it?

Oh, the truth hurts, Sammy boy.

What's happening next, Larry?

Stick around, folks, because still to come on today's Hacker Time...

Mark gets the shock of his life.

We've given the Four O'Clock Club a Hacker Time makeover.

And we say hello to Accordion George.

BOTH: Hi, Accordion George.

All still to come on Hacker Time!

Now, what makes a good meat paste sandwich?

First, you get the bread, right,

and you get it to room temperature...

I hope Lolly's remembered my birthday. Oh, look!

Here she comes now.

Hi, Lolly! Are you all right?

Oh, hi! I came to ask you something.

Oh, right. What is it? Go on.

Well, it's a bit embarrassing, really.

You can say anything you like to me, Lolly.

-Well, I wanted to ask if...

-Yes, yes! What is it?

If you've got £2 for Wilf's birthday cake.

I've no idea who he is. He sounds like a right loser.

But if we're lucky, we might get a slice of cake out of it.

Yeah, he does sound like a right loser, yeah, but...

Here's your £2.

Oh, thanks.

Progress, I suppose, isn't it?

I'll fire up the van.

Now, Sam and Mark.

you two have been making CBBC shows for hundreds of years

and that's something we should celebrate. Would you like that?

-We would.

-Yeah, definitely.

We've decided to take two of your most recent programmes

and combine them in a little programme I like to call...

Perfect! Can you tell which two of your programmes have inspired this?

We can. Copycats and Wind-Up.

No, no. It's Skate Nation and Comic Relief Does Glee Club.

Ah-ha-ha!

I'm joking, of course! It is Wind-Up and Copycats.

Even I like a joke, Mark!

-Yeah.

-He likes a joke.

-I noticed that, Hacker.

-Thank you.

Anyway, round one is something I like to call...

Round One!

In this round, I'm going to start by winding someone up.

All you have to do is copy the wind-up.

-Do you understand me so far?

-Easy.

-Yes.

All right, then. Without further ado, let's begin!

Lolly! I don't like your dress!

-LOLLY:

-Oh, that's a bit rude.

Lolly, I don't like your dress.

-LOLLY:

-Well, if one more person says that...

-MARK:

-Lolly, I don't like your dress!

-LOLLY:

-Right, that's it! Come here!

-MARK:

-Oh!

HACKER LAUGHS

Right in the mush!

Round two is a round I like to call...

Round Two!

This game is called Pad on a Wheel.

-It's like Dad on a Wheel. Do you get it?

-Good, that.

Right, Sam. I'm going to show you a picture and you have to copy it.

And Mark, your job is to guess

what the picture is.

Does that sound simple enough?

Yes, I'm usually pretty good at that.

Well, it's not simple, my dear!

For the wheel will be spinning

and the loser will face a terrible, terrible consequence!

-What a twist!

-Ha-ha-ha!

Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

THUNDER CRASHES

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sam, this is the picture that I want you to draw.

-So, peer at this card.

-Don't look.

Not looking, not looking.

-OK, I've got that.

-Your time starts now!

# You spin me right round, baby

# Right round

# Like a record, baby

# Right round, round, round.. #

Oh!

# You spin me right round, baby

# Right round... #

I think I've...

It's getting good, getting good!

KLAXON BLARES

Time's up, stop!

-That's a lovely picture, that, Sam.

-Thanks.

-Mark.

-OK.

-What is it?

OK. I'm going to go for...

map of the world?

Oh, I'm afraid you're wrong. No.

It is a series of elaborate squiggles.

Look. There's the original there and look how well Sam's done!

It looks the same!

So that means, Mark,

you must suffer a terrifying and brutal punishment.

-Herman, come and get him!

-What?

HERMAN LAUGHS

Round three is a round I like to call...

Round Three!

Now, in Copycats, you have a music round, correct?

-Yes.

-And in Wind-Up, you wear underpants of chaos.

Am I right or am I right?

Is that why I'm wearing these stupid underpants?

'Fraid it is, cocker.

So, in this round, Sam, you're going to play a trumpet

whilst I repeatedly shock Mark.

-What?

-Don't try this at home. We are professionals.

-Wait a minute!

-I didn't sign up for that.

-Mark, just go with it, will you?

Be a good guest.

Yeah. Let's take it away!

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ BUZZ

Aargh!

CONSTANT BUZZING

Well, that was fun, weren't it?

Are you all right, mate?

Mate, can we go home, please?

CONSTANT BUZZING

Hoo-hoo!

That was good, weren't it, Lolly?

Oh, they should mix more CBBC shows together like that! Imagine!

Fierce Dumping Ground! Hoo-hoo!

I don't think so, Derek. Can we watch something else for a bit?

I'm bored of this.

MAN: 'Oh, please, please, help me!'

Oh, disgusting. No.

What is this now?

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Ooh!

OK, everybody!

Detention is about to start,

so get your pens out and get ready to write, write, write.

Josh, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get me fluffy pink pen out.

It's right at the bottom!

Look at the state of that pencil case!

You know what you need to do with that?

# Keep your pencil case tidy

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Then your life will be easier

# Can't you see?

# Look, your rubber shavings are everywhere

# Throw them in the bin

# Don't throw them like you don't have a care

# It's way too big What are you keeping there?

# I've got my packed lunch And also this bag of hair

# Josh, your cartridges have exploded

# Keep a lid on things and don't get angry like I know you did

# See this protractor?

# The numbers have faded

# Chill out, man

# I'm clearly educated

# Arrange your life like you arrange your felt tips

# Put everything in order

# Especially the important bits

# Don't graffiti it Drawing on it isn't wise

# Look, I've drawn a mole And he's got really googly eyes

# Your case should be individual Just like yourself

# If you have an untidy one

# It's bad for your health

# Mmm, it's not strictly true

# But keeping a neater you

# You'll work better at school

# This much is true

# So keep your pencil case tidy

-# Uh-huh

-# Keep it tidy

# Uh-huh Then your life will be easier

# Can't you see?

# Keep your pencil case clean

-# Uh

-# Keep it clean now, y'all

# At least do that right up until

# You turn 13. #

So, you've learnt your lesson, right? To keep things tidy and organised.

Of course. And, to prove it, take a look in my locker, why don't you?

Me apparatus.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, coming up now is the real deal.

It's the most amazing, fabulous,

incredible quiz on TV!

It's something that we like to call...

CHOIR SINGS

Right, Sam and Mark.

Inside each of the storage units lies a fun challenge.

If you do well at them,

you might just win yourselves a lickle holiday.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

I'm sure that the lovely people at home are dying to find out...

CHOIR SINGS

Sam and Mark, time to pick your first storage unit.

Which will it be?

I reckon we should go for that drawer there...

Good choice! The side cabinet it is.

Samuel, lean across and open said side cabinet aloft.

Which one? That one?

And, in there, you'll find a gorilla.

And this challenge is entitled What's It Going To Do To You?

So, Sam. What do you reckon that gorilla is going to do to you?

Well, it looks pretty friendly.

I reckon it wants to shake me hand?

Let's find out if you're right. Go over to it.

Hey!

All right, let me have a go.

All right. All right, mate?

GORILLA GROWLS

I also would have accepted grippage of the face.

Close it up, get rid of that.

Right, now, pick your next storage unit.

-Watering can?

-Good choice!

The wardrobe it is. Come on out, George!

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George Dabba dabba hoo! #

George! Say hello to Accordion George, Sam and Mark!

BOTH: Hello, Accordion George.

Give them a little wave, George! Lovely.

Now, Accordion George is going to play you a popular tune

on his accordion. All you have to do is guess which song it is.

Is that all right?

-OK.

-OK.

-Accordion George, commence the tune!

ACCORDION PLAYS

Oh, One Direction.

HACKER SINGS TUNE

THEY SING TUNE

# Know, oh, oh

# You don't know you're beautiful. #

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-Very good.

-Thank you, George.

Sam and Mark, what was it?

One Direction, What Makes You Beautiful.

Let's find out if you're correct.

# You don't know, oh, oh

# You don't know you're beautiful... #

You were correct! It was One Direction,

What Makes You Beautiful.

Well done, team. Let's have a big clap for Accordion George!

Yay!

All right, George, don't milk it. Shut the door, son.

Time now to open your final storage unit. Which one will it be?

-MUTTERS:

-The hatbox.

HACKER COUGHS

-Hatbox.

-Hatbox.

-Hatbox, should it be?

-Good choice!

-OK.

Quick Fire.

Let's go!

Name a member of the popular duo, Sam & Mark.

-Sam!

-Mark.

-Correct!

Which one's Sam and which one's Mark?

-I'm Sam.

-I'm Mark.

Name a programme you haven't been in.

-Flintstones.

-Springwatch.

What do you call a feline that mimics what you do?

-Copycat.

-A nuisance!

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

This isn't time for comedy, cockers!

Will somebody answer the door!

What's your favourite Smark?

Am I a Smark?

Do two Smarks make a right?

-Yes.

-How many Smarks?

-Which Smark?

-Seven.

KLAXON BLARES

That's it. Your time's up. How did they do, Derek?

CALCULATOR BEEPS

They scored minus 12-teen, Hacker!

That means only one thing! You've won the holiday! Yes!

You're going to the Arctic!

-What? No, no.

-I don't know about that.

Too bad, you're going! You're going, cockers!

Herman, take 'em away!

-HERMAN:

-Go on, then. This way.

Thanks for coming in, Sam and Mark.

-See you!

-Bye. Enjoy the holiday!

Thanks for watching my little show today. I'm off home now.

And just for the record, I've got no plans whatsoever.

I'm just going to sit in silence and think about scaffolding.

But you said you were too busy to come to my birthday party.

Yep. No plans whatsoever.

All that's left for me to do now is saying my fantastic song. Join in!

You must know the words by now, cockers!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Sam and Mark were here today

# What a great pair of friends

# But when I sent Sam to the Antarctic

# Their partnership nearly came to a very sudden end

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Anyone for a slice of cake?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd