Susanna Reid Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed in front of a selection of hungry bishops.

Hoo-hoo! Morning, everyone! We've had some feedback about the show.

What's that? Sounds interesting.

Someone's written in to say your interview style is sloppy,

unjournalistic and unprofessional, Hacker!

How dare they?! I demand to know who sent that in!

-It says it's from...Lolly.

-Hello!

I'm livid!

She does have a point, Hacker. You're terrible with guests.

You never ask them anything sensible.

So what are you going to do, Derek?

I'm going to enlist the help

of a respected and professional journalist.

KNOCK AT DOOR

You called?

-I said a RESPECTED and professional journalist.

-Sorry, my mistake.

So who are we going to get?

I'm thinking Breakfast.

Me too. Herman, pass the brown sauce.

No, Wilf, I'm talking about BBC Breakfast!

One of the nation's most respected and admired news programmes.

-We need to learn from their informal yet hard-hitting style.

-Yeah!

-I agree, yes!

-We won't stop until we're so respected

that the Prime Minister's banging down the door,

-demanding to be on the show.

-Yeah!

I'm going to call the Breakfast studio

and demand someone comes down here to help us right now!

-Yeah!

-Great!

-Well done, yes!

Oh, except I can't.

-I've run out of credit.

-Good grief.

-Oh...

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my My programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to what I'm sure will be a professional

and smooth-running episode of Hacker Time.

Now, be careful, Mr Hacker. I've just mopped the floor.

-It could be very slippery.

-Oh, you're right, Herman.

Thanks for warning me. It's very slippy. Whoa...

I managed to regain my balance.

Thanks for giving me the warning, cocker.

I could have made a right fool of meself then.

And mind your head.

Wilf's working on a new sign.

-Wilf!

-This new sign's very slippery! Oh, no!

Thanks for the warning, Herman.

It's going to be a good day,

and nothing is going to stop me!

And I was just about to tell you

to watch out for that box of elaborate women's costumes.

Oh, look at the state of me here!

Derek, you really shouldn't leave

your box of elaborate women's costumes lying about.

Lolly! They're not mine!

Although if no-one claims them,

I'm sure I could find them a good home. Hoo-hoo!

Right, let's get on with the show.

Apparently, I'm not very good at doing interviews,

so today's guest is a professional in the field,

a personal friend of mine. Give him a nice, big intro, Larry!

Ladies and gentlemen,

some breaking news for you.

It's time to welcome today's very special guest! It's...

Ron from the post office! Hurrah!

Oh, look now. Excuse me, what are you doing here

and what have you done with Ron?

I'm Susanna. Susanna Reid from BBC Breakfast.

You asked for an interviewer, a journalist?

Yeah, an interviewer, yeah. Ron from the post office.

He's the best interviewer I know.

He's always asking pressing questions

like, "Do you want more stamps?" "Do you want some string?" or summat.

Were you this cheeky when Bill and Sian came in from BBC Breakfast?

Yes, I probably was.

Just wait there a minute, would you, please?

I bet Ron wouldn't have been this difficult. Derek!

Derek, what have you done with Ron?

I don't know anything about this woman.

Susanna's a proper journalist from BBC Breakfast!

I don't know what those words mean!

Don't you understand anything?

No!

Just watch this.

Susanna Reid is a journalist best known for presenting BBC Breakfast.

She's on our screens with all the latest news from 6am in the morning

and, look, she still manages to smile about it.

Although all those early starts are taking their toll.

She's turning into the sofa!

She obviously enjoys a laugh because in her spare time,

she and the newsladies often dress up for Children In Need.

I've got a costume like that.

And that's everything worth knowing about Susanna Reid.

Ooh, she sounds good, doesn't she, cockers?

I can't believe we almost booked a bloke from the post office

instead of her. Righty-ho, leave this to me.

I'm sure I can handle it, cocker.

It's that way.

Erm, yep, I know it is, yeah. Cheers, McGee.

-Yes, it's got a wonderful sheen.

-It's so glossy. You're so lucky.

-I'd love to have hair like this.

-Hello, Susanna from BBC Breakfast,

-mornings from 6am. You all right?

-Hi, Hacker.

Hang on, what are you doing?

I'm just talking to Herman. He's lovely.

You're lucky to have someone so great to work with.

-Herman!

-Hmm?

-I've got some news for you.

-Oh, yeah?

-You stink! Now get out!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-So rude!

-Bye, Susanna.

-Bye, Herman.

Anyway, it's delightful to have you here, Susanna,

as I was saying earlier, weren't I? Remember when I said that?

No, you said you didn't know who I was.

Well, is remembering every single detail

what makes you such a good journalist?

Yes.

Is it? Well, that's good, innit?

Well, now that you're here, cocker, let's make the best of it.

Larry, tell us what we've got to look forward to.

It's going to be as much fun as when you find an egg with two yolks

because coming up on today's Hacker Time...

Will Hacker's interview technique throw Susanna?

Can you eat apples if they're carved into the shape of sausages?

Who's the mystery patient in Casually?

And what's up with our hard-hitting journalist?

All this and more on Hacker Time.

Now, Susanna, I'm going to conduct my interview

and it'll soon be obvious that I'm just as good as you are.

-Are you ready?

-Yes, I'm ready.

-Question one.

-Yeah.

Please may I have a drink?

You're asking me to get you a drink?

Yeah, I'm parched. Come on, love, I'm spitting feathers here.

You can't ask your guests to get you a drink.

-That's not a reasonable question.

-All right, all right,

but I will be putting question one down as a fail. Sorry about that.

Next serious question. A-hem.

-You present BBC Breakfast with Bill Turnbull...

-Yes.

If you had a bull and it was facing the wrong way,

could Bill turn that bull?

Ha! Turn the bull! Ha-ha-ha! Ha...

You also present the show with Charlie Stayt...

I do, sometimes, yes.

He's a right "Stayt!" Ha! Get it?

The man is a mess. Do you like it?

Well, yes, I mean, yes, I do like it,

but I'm afraid that Charlie has probably heard that joke

-every day of his life.

-Oh.

-He wouldn't like that.

-Still quite funny.

-Yeah.

-And as for Louise...

-Yes?

I'm not even going to Minchin her!

Ha-ha-ha! Her name is Minchin. That's the joke!

But you haven't made a joke about my name being Reid and I read the news.

Don't get it. Anyway, let's crack on.

You were voted the best Breakfast presenter of all time

but did you know that I once won an award for presenting breakfast?

This is the best presented breakfast

I have ever seen. Have an award.

It's in the shape of a face!

And that was the best time of my life.

Next question -

do you set loads of alarms to make sure you get up in time?

No, just the one.

I rely on just one alarm and it hasn't let me down yet, touch wood.

I do set loads of alarms. You can never be too careful, cocker.

-That's what these are all for.

-Look at them!

All my fantastic alarms to make sure I never oversleep.

-ALARM RINGS

-Oh, hang on.

Right, now, what you do next is...

ALARM BEEPS

Oh, another alarm's going off. That one. Right, what happens...

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Oh, no. Another one. Stop that.

-And then what happens, you see...

-MORE ALARMS RING

-Stop it!

-Stop it!

-They're all going.

This might help.

KLAXON HOOTS

Again! The big one! The big one's going off!

Oi! What are you doing?

-I find your use of the mallet quite alarming.

-So do I.

-Now, you present Breakfast with Charlie, don't you?

-Sometimes, yes.

Is it fair to say sometimes he gets right on your wick?

No! I've never wanted to use this on him.

Well, do you remember the time that you were wronged by him?

Behold the evidence!

I went to see a 3D film recently

in which someone I was with took the glasses off quite early on

and said it made no difference whatsoever.

That was me, when we went to see...

-OK. I went to see...

-Someone?

-I can't believe that.

-We went to see a film recently...

Yes? A screening of The Green Lantern, in fact.

Midway through, I turn to you,

because obviously it was you who was with me at the film,

and you didn't have your glasses on.

That was about three days ago! Have you seriously forgotten

we went to the cinema together three days ago?

I wouldn't take it too personally, cocker.

He's always getting people's names mixed up. Look!

I do like this film. I'm having a really nice time.

Do you really mean that?

-I do, Derek, yes.

-It's Lolly!

You're always getting my name wrong, aren't you?

I'm livid! And I'm covered popcorn.

He got your name wrong. Hoo-hoo!

What do you think of that, cocker?

He can't be trusted to go to the cinema with anyone, can he?

-Honestly!

-He's got a memory like a sieve, hasn't he?

He really has. The "Stayt" of that man!

That's been my very professional interview, that.

But I'm bored now, so shall we watch some telly that I've made?

-Oh, go on, then.

-Larry! Do the honours!

Time now for a new show that's becoming infectious

because it's about a hospital!

It's Casually! And today, everyone is having privacy issues.

SIREN WAILS

This is Nilbymouth Hospital.

In this week's episode, tears...

CAT CRIES

..trauma...

Nurse! He's got me swab!

..and shocking test results.

I got a G in geography.

GLASS SHATTERS

This is Casually.

From the moment a patient steps through the doors

of Nilbymouth Hospital,

respecting their privacy is incredibly important.

Hello. I'm Mr Collins.

I need to see a doctor about my, erm...

HE WHISPERS

What was that? I can't hear you. What was that, mate?

Well, it's my, erm...

HE WHISPERS

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. There's nothing to worry about.

I'll get a doctor for you.

TANNOY RINGS

Doctor! I've got a man here

with Clucks Like A Chicken When Embarrassed Syndrome.

I can feel it coming on. Buck-buck-buckaw!

Buck buck...

Patients often come in with embarrassing medical conditions.

This gentleman didn't want to be identified.

I see. Well, the antibiotics should treat the worst of it.

Within a few weeks, it will hardly be noticeable.

You all right, Derek McGee, me old cocker of 107 Wigan Close?

Has your wobbly bum disorder cleared up yet?

Hoo-hoo! That's enough.

Stop filming! Oh.

One of the hardest jobs for doctors is delivering upsetting news.

It needs to be done with utmost sincerity.

Spotty toes, bad breath,

bad attitude, face like a walrus, impromptu fainting syndrome.

Thank you, and goodnight.

I am sick of this place.

Nothing's private here.

You all right, cocker?

Scab! How dare you invade my personal space in this way!

Although, whilst you're there,

would you get me some toilet roll? Be discreet about it.

I'll very discreetly text Wilf now. All right.

Text, text, text.

Righty-ho, I'll do that.

TANNOY RINGS

Can a cleaner go to cubicle three of the men's toilets?

Dr Side-Parting's made a terrible mess

and needs toilet roll urgently!

Toilet paper... Ha-ha!

ALARM WHOOPS

"P.S. It's gone everywhere."

It hasn't gone anywhere!

Stop that now. I demand you stop texting! Give me that phone!

The shame is making him angry!

Oh, it's a literal and metaphorical mess in here!

Give me that handset this instant!

Next week, a horrific accident

that no-one anticipated

happens within the hospital walls.

That's for earlier.

Oh! Who was ev...

Only on Casually.

I threw that together in seconds, cocker. Doesn't show, does it?

It... It... It was very good.

-Very good.

-Oh, thanks, cocker. Right, Susanna, I read somewhere

that you are a pescetarian. What does that mean?

It means I eat everything fish but not meat.

What about cereal? Can you eat cereal?

-Uh, as long as there's no meat in it, yes.

-Can you eat apples?

They don't contain meat either, so yes, I think I can eat apples.

Can you eat apples if they're carved into the shape of sausages?

What's Hacker doing?

He's stuck in pescetarian mode! He just can't get his head round it!

Can you have fish and chips

if the chips are made of fish and the fish is made of chips?

There's only one thing for it, Lolly.

It's time for the emergency film!

..like a kumquat?

Hoo-hoo! Eh?

Hello, me little owls!

And welcome to Derek Time. Today's show is a bath special.

First, new designer bath has walls lined with grease...

There's not much water in there, is there?

Get out! It's not hot enough.

Scientists try new elephant-sized plughole.

Doesn't really work, does it?

Back to the drawing board, Mr Scientist. Hoo-hoo!

And cockatoo practises new Riverdance.

Hey, he's quite good, isn't he?

I could do a bit of that.

But now the grand finale.

Ladies and gentlemen, be amazed, be in awe, gaze upon the fantastic...

Derek! I've got me dressing gown caught in the mincer!

Oh, Mother, I'm never going to make a proper video

with you bothering me all the time. See you, me little owls. Mother!

Quick, the tape's finished, Lolly.

OK, everyone. On air in three,

-two, one...

-As I was saying, Susanna, that Derek is a...

Oh, look, we're back!

Yes, now, Susanna, there's something I've been thinking

and a news professional such as yourself

-might be able to help me out here.

-Right...

What is the FTSE index?

Has it got anything to do with my toes? Cos I think it must have.

No, it's not anything to do with people's feet. It's a list

of the 100 biggest companies on the London Stock Exchange.

I don't get it! You see, Susanna, let me explain something to you

about my relationship with the concept of news.

CAN-CAN MUSIC PLAYS

# When it comes to the news Everyone has different views

# I find it a right old 'mare Politics leaves me scared

# Newsround is there for me It tells me things informally

# But it still leaves me in doubt Ricky, what you on about?!

# I don't get news I've got a tiny weeny brain

# I don't get news To me it's all the sa-a-ame

# I don't get news The papers are for wrapping chips

# I don't get why it's on everyone's lips

# Climate change, something about Europe, I don't know where that is

# I don't even care

# Presidents meeting with prime ministers, talking foreign policy

# Rambling on and on and on and on

# Some news stories bore me A cat in Penge stuck up a tree

# People gasp in shock at that, I want to cry, "It's just a cat!"

# Bulletins on my TV explain it all more clearly

# Still I cannot hide the fact that at the end of all that

# I don't understand the new-ews Maybe I'm not all there

# It's a real burden that I have to bear

# I don't understand the news It's not that I am lazy

# I'm not all there!

# Susanna, what is news?

# What is news?

# News! #

So you see my predicament, Susanna?

Oh, Hacker, shall I explain some of the basics to you?

Would you mind? Yeah.

OK, so shall we start with the FTSE 100 share index?

It's an index... HACKER SNORES

Oh, dear. He's fallen asleep. Larry, do the menu!

Still to come on today's Hacker Time...

Has Wilf found the key to Lolly's heart?

I've got two tickets to see The Wanted if you're interested.

Something's afoot in the Phlegmsbury dinner queue.

Don't even think about it, Josh!

And Hacker finally asks a tough question.

List all the past and present UN Secretary-Generals in height order.

All still to come on Hacker Time.

I'm sure you're all very eager to know how

I got a third series of this tat.

Well, let me tell you just a few secrets of my success. First...

Right, be cool, Wilf. Be cool, mate, you'll be fine.

Oh, look! Here she comes now.

-Coming through!

-Lolly! Lolly!

-What?

-Before you go, I just wanted to, er, tell you something, yeah.

I've got two tickets to see The Wanted if you're interested.

The Wanted? That's amazing!

-So you're up for it, then?

-You bet I am!

I'll take Derek. He loves The Wanted!

Oh, thanks, Wilf!

Guess I'll just spend the evening putting them shelves up, then.

Welcome to the Hacker Time Breakfast. Today's headlines...

David Cameron reveals how many people like his new tie.

One! Do you get it? One!

And finally, David Beckham holds a microphone in one hand

while he has his other hand behind his back.

Yeah! He's holding a microphone,

right, and he's got his other hand behind his back! It's funny!

No, that is what's happening in the picture.

-It's actually what he's doing.

-Oh, yeah!

It's now time for some breaking news.

Hello! Anyone for tea?

Herman, you fool! Quick, Susanna,

-you're going to have to fill...

-No problem. I can do this.

-Stay with us because coming up...

-No, no, what are you doing?

You're going to have to fill that dustpan.

There's bits of broken china everywhere.

It's gone adrift, cocker! Get it moved, quick!

20 years as a journalist and this is what I have to do.

Quick as you can, Susanna. We've got a guest coming in any minute!

The guest has arrived early!

Finally, we can get serious. Who's the guest?

I don't know, I've no idea.

You can't interview someone if you don't know who they are!

Never mind, it happens to me all the time, love.

Just introduce them and be professional about it, please!

Right.

Now, we are going to interview...

-Baa!

-..someone, about...

-Baa!

-..something.

-Baa!

No, thank YOU for coming in.

Hacker, how am I meant to interview a sheep?

Go on, give it a try. He'll probably make more sense than Billy Turnbull.

Fine.

What do you think about the fiscal situation in Europe?

Baa!

Wow! Eh? did you get that? Ain't he interesting?

Hacker, this is nonsense!

-Thanks for coming in. Goodbye.

-Baa.

Derek, if you can hear me,

could you send in someone into the studio we could actually interview?

No problem, Susanna. I've saved the best for last.

Just read the cue cards.

Welcome back to Breakfast,

and we've just got time

to interview one more guest.

It's...actor...Edward Plank?

Well, hello, darlings!

It's a plank.

I know. Just go with it. You'll like this. It's worth it.

So, Edward, you have just been voted worst actor of all time.

Yes, you see, they said my performances were...

-wooden!

-Ha-ha!

-Hoo-hoo! Wooden!

-Ha-ha-ha!

I've had enough of this nonsense, Hacker.

I thought this was going to be a serious programme.

-I'm off to talk to my journalist friends.

-Ha-ha-ha! Ha...

And that was the news.

Hoo-hoo! Look, Lolly, it's all gone awry!

-Shall we see what else is on?

-But I want to find out

if Edward Plank's planning on going back into show business.

-He should be a stand-up comedian.

-Oh, forget about him.

Oh, what's that, then?

No.

-Oh, Billy Bird.

-Oh!

Don't even think about it, Josh. Wait your turn.

I can't wait any longer.

STOMACH RUMBLES

And neither can he. I need to get to the front of the queue and quick.

Don't do it, Josh. Don't jump that queue.

Listen to me. Not your belly.

# I see you looking peckish but take your time

# Cos that's no reason to push in line

# Cos it's really rude to get your food

# Before anybody else who's in front of you

# But I can't think straight and the two things I hate

# Are not eating and being made to wait

# Now, I've seen shepherd's pie and it caught my eye

# And no-one can stop me, not even if they try

# No, Josh, wait, those guys will throw a wobbler

# You're going to feel guilty while eating your peach cobbler

# Listen to your mate and listen when I say

# Don't jump the dinner queue

# You don't understand, shepherd's pie is in demand

# And if it runs out, lunch hasn't gone as planned

# Listen to my rhyme, it's about time

-# I jump the dinner queue. #

-No!

Ha-ha! I'll have the shepherds pie, please, with extra mince.

-Sorry, love. We've none left.

-Oh...

BELL RINGS

And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,

the thrilling climax of today's show, the stupendous,

the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...

Welcome to my quiz, Susanna.

Behind these fantastic storage units are a series of fun challenges.

If you do well, you might just win a holiday, cocker!

Right, let's crack on, cos everyone at home is eager to learn...

Right, let's get on with this.

It's time to pick your first storage unit, me old Breakfast cocker.

I'll have the cake tin.

Good choice. The side cabinet it is. Reach over, Susanna,

-and open up the side cabinet with the vigour of a stoat.

-Here goes.

-Hello.

-This challenge is called Who Is It?

That's my old mate Algernon in there

and he's going to do an impression of a well-known celebrity.

But who is at? Take it away, Algernon.

I'm Justin Bieber.

Oh! Who was it, Susanna?

Was it Bill Turnbull?

No! It was actually Niall from One Direction

doing an impression of Justin Bieber. Unlucky, Susanna.

But there's still everything to play for.

Close up that cupboard before Algernon dries out.

Time to pick your next storage unit, cocker. Which will it be?

Well, I think it should be the wardrobe.

Good choice. Come on out, Accordion George.

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# Acky G! #

Yes, it's my old chum Acky G. Give him a wave, Susanna.

-Hello.

-Give her a wave, Acky G.

Right, Susanna, as a little treat,

my old chum Acky G is going to play a fantastic song on his accordion

and you have got to guess what it is. Take it away, Acky G!

Now, Susanna, what was Acky G playing on his A? Accordion, I mean.

Was it Happy Birthday?

No, I'm afraid it wasn't, cocker.

It was JLS, Everybody In Love. Let's hear it played proper.

MUSIC: Everybody in Love by JLS

# Everybody in love go put your hands up

# Everybody in love go put your hands up

# If you're in love put your hands up... #

Thank you, that's enough. If we play any more, we have to pay them.

Right, Susanna, give Acky G a nice wave

as he goes back into his cupboard now.

He's got a small plate of mince to be cracking on with.

See you later, Acky G. Time to pick your next storage unit.

Um, what have I got the choice of, Hacker?

Any item, any item you want, cocker.

-What about the hatbox?

-Hatbox it is!

Quickfire, darling.

Let's go. What time does the six o'clock news start?

-Six o'clock?

-Correct.

List all the past and present UN Secretary-Generals in height order.

No.

What's the capital of Peru?

-Lima.

-P.

What is a headline?

-Something you get when you frown. Knock knock.

-Who's there?

I'm don't know but send them away, Derek, I'm doing the quiz, cocker.

Name an anagram of "news".

Ewns!

What's news?

An anagram of "ewns"!

Is this news? Yi-yi-yi-yi!

-To someone!

-What's your favourite?

Name a thing. Which colour? When? Why? How?

-How do we get away with this?

-KLAXON SOUNDS

That's it! Your time's up, cocker!

How did she do, Derek?

She scored twelventy, Hacker!

-You scored twelventy overall!

-Ooh!

Which means you're on a once-in- a-lifetime trip to the fantastic...

sewage plant! What do you think of that, Sew-sanna?

That stinks, Hacker!

-It sure does.

-I thought it was going to be a proper holiday.

Not on this show, love. Herman, get her out of here, please.

-No!

-Yes, Mr Hacker. Come on, you.

-Take her to the sewage!

-Come on, this way.

Hacker, I'd like to say thank you, it's been real.

There she goes, look. Thank you for watching my little show today.

I think you'll find it was tolerable in some ways.

I'm off now to the cinema with my old chum Charlie Stayt.

I hope he remembers my name, cocker.

All that's left for me to do now is sing my fantastic song.

You must know the words by now. Join in!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!

# Susanna Reid popped in today and taught me about the news

# She's a top-notch journalist

# So it's a shame I'm so bad at conducting interviews

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Goodbye, luvvie-darlings!