Joe Pasquale Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed in front of a middle-aged woman from Stoke.

Righty-ho, we need a theme for this week's show.

Something relevant to our audience. Any ideas?

-How about internet speak?

-No.

-Sport?

-No.

-Meats?

-No.

Fine, but I'm keeping the costume.

Er...erm...

Oh, Herman, yes! Do you have an idea?

No. I just really need to go to the toilet!

OK, let's have a thought shower.

We'll all write down the first word that comes into our heads

and whatever we come up with, we do!

Go!

All right, what have we got?

Ho-ho! It's decided.

We bat meats at Derek!

Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Uh-oh.

THE OTHERS LAUGH

No, no! Stop it! Oh, no! Oh! Oh, no!

Somebody run the titles!

# You've got to watch this

# You've got to watch this

# You've got to watch this

# My, my, my, my

# Programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, oh my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show you can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time. #

Thank you.

Derek, have you noticed that

Hacker's been acting like a spoilt brat lately?

No, Lolly, I've not noticed anything. Hoo-hoo!

Now, Hacker, are you ready to do the show?

No! Don't want to!!

-But, Hacker, everyone's waiting for you!

-Don't care!

Hacker, you have to do the show!

I didn't ask to be born!

Leave this to me, Derek. I'll sort him out!

You all smell, and I don't like you!

Now, now, now, now, Hacker, there's no need to be like this.

-HACKER SNORTS

-We'd like you to do the show.

-HACKER SNORTS

-Fine. If you won't do it, I will.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Lolly Time,

with me, Lolly...

Get out! This is my show!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Lolly Time!

Lolly Time? Who'd watch that?

LOLLY COUGHS

What was that, Derek?

Nothing!

Now, I'm very excited about today's guest.

-Larry, tell us who it is.

-Sure thing, Hacker.

Well, we're joined by a comedian

with the squeakiest voice in Great Britain. It's...

Joe Pasquale!

-Hacker.

-Hold on.

-Hello, mate, how are you? Shake hands.

-Something's not right here...

-What's the matter?

-You are Joe Pasquale!

-That's right.

You just said Joe Pasquale, so Joe Pasquale is here.

Yes, good evening, everybody.

It's weird. The guest is never the person I think it's going to be...

No, you just said Joe Pasquale...

Just wait there, calmly.

Derek! What's going on?

What's that all about?

Derek, what have you done?

I've actually booked the right guest!

But I was expecting someone I wasn't expecting!

I haven't done any research on him at all!

Never fear, me little owl. This should clear everything up.

Joe Pasquale is one of Britain's best-known comedians.

He's been crowned King of the Jungle in

-I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

-Hey, look at them!

Sam and Mark look different, don't they?

And he makes loads of appearances in pantomimes and game shows.

Look, he's multitasking, there! Bless him!

Joe's such a national treasure, he's even been

valued by antiques experts.

And that's everything you need to know about Joe Pasquale.

That man is everything I want to be and more!

To the studio!

It's that way!

I knew that, yeah. I was just being daft, like me mate, Joe Pasquale.

And then, Joe, the llama said, "That's not a chocolate cake!"

It's not a chocolate cake!

That's not a chocolate cake! Brilliant!

THEY LAUGH

-Hello, Mr Hacker.

-Herman! I've got a joke for you.

Oh, go on, then, Mr Hacker!

What did the TV star say to the work experience boy?

I dunno. What's he say?

He said, "Get out! This is my show!"

Well, go on, then.

-See you later, Joe.

-Don't...

-I'm sorry about him!

Yeah, that's right, get out, you luminous-pink monstrosity!

Joe, how lovely to have you on the programme.

-How are you feeling?

-I'm a bit upset. I can't believe he's gone.

-Joe?

-What?

-Why are you talking like that?

IN MENACING VOICE: I always talk like that.

-All right, then.

-Yeah?

Larry, tell us what's coming up!

Did you hear the one about the show themed around comedy?

Well, guess what? You're watching it!

Coming up - Hacker gets to know Joe a little better...

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

..Dr Side-Parting has a confession to make...

My trousers smell of cold soup.

..and look out for a special edition of Mastermind.

-Am I allowed to speak before you do?

-No, but you may cough.

JOE COUGHS

All this and more on Hacker Time!

What a feast of entertainment. Don't you think so, Joe?

Yep, definitely. You don't get this any more, do you?

It's now time for the big interview.

Are you ready for some nice, pleasant, heart-warming

-celebrity chitchat?

-Yep.

-Question one...

-Yes.

Why have you got such a silly voice?

Listen, you may think it's silly. I've had it for 52 years, right?

I can't do nothing about it - it's just a natural range for me.

It's unusual to have people with high voices on TV these days.

Hoo-hoo!

What's that annoying noise?

No idea, probably an owl or something.

Yeah, probably an owl or something.

Moving on, Joe Pasquale. You are a comedian, aren't you?

Yes, I am a comedian. Well, that's what I try to be, yes.

-What is your favourite joke?

-You want me to tell it to you?

Yeah, I'd love it, yeah.

The famous actress Whoopi Goldberg is now going to marry the French actor

Gerard Depardieu, and now she's going to be called Whoopi Doopi-Doo.

Ha-ha! It's a classic! Whoopi Doopi-Doo! Ha! Ha!

-Oh, it was a good one, that, Joe Pasquale.

-It's the best, isn't it?

Well, Joe, you did pretty well on Celebrity Mastermind,

-didn't you?

-I did, as it happens, yeah.

-Let's take a look at the evidence.

-OK.

Joe Pasquale, I shall now ask you a series of questions

on your specialist subject - nonsense.

-Am I allowed to speak before you do?

-No, but you may cough.

JOE COUGHS

Lovely.

If a girl uses girl forks, what does a guy use?

-Guy Fawkes.

-Correct!

What do you say if you don't know the answer to a question?

-Oh, don't know.

-Correct!

What's a different way of pronouncing the word "there"?

Er... Oh... Thor.

Correct. I would have also accepted "thar".

What do you say when...

-BEEPING

-..I've started so I'll finish.

What do you say to a man called Henry who is

delivering your online shopping but isn't quite sure how to proceed?

-Carry on, Henry.

-No! You'd say, "Leave it in the porch."

Well done, Joe. At the end of that round, you scored a million points.

Yes! APPLAUSE

-Yes, that's brilliant. I like that.

-You like it?

-I like it a lot, yeah.

-That took me a couple of minutes to knock together.

It was great.

-Now, Joe Pasquale?

-Yes?

-You did Dancing On Ice recently, didn't you?

-Oh, yeah. Did you see it?

-Yeah, I did, yes.

-I was good, wasn't I?

-What were that like?

-What I found is I've got proper muscles.

I didn't have a bum before, and I've got muscles in my bottom now.

-Oh! It looks like a quiche!

-Like a quiche?

-Of course, I've done Dancing On Ice myself, you know?

-Really?

-Oh, yes.

-But when I danced on the ice, it went terribly wrong!

-Oh?

Oh, I don't believe this. He's missed a step.

Yes, I was dancing on ice...

Cream! It was a weak and slightly laboured pun.

You had a problem with your foot

-while you were doing the show?

-Yeah. I've got a huge bunion.

-It looks like a conker on the side of my big toe.

-Oh!

Well, I heard that your bunion's called Barry,

-and he became quite the celebrity himself?

-He is, yes.

He shuns the limelight a little bit, he doesn't like to be seen in public.

The whole internet was talking about him.

So how does it feel knowing your bunion's more popular than you are?

-No, I don't know about that, Hacker, no.

-Excuse me, excuse me.

-May I have your autograph, please?

-Hello, Wilf, of course you can.

Give us your pen, and I'll sign it for you.

No, no, I wasn't talking to you, mate. I was talking to your bunion.

Wilf Breadbin, please stop bothering the celebrity guests!

-Barry the Bunion does not have time for this!

-Bye, Barry.

Larry, take over while I sort this out, will you?

Barry, I'm so sorry about this.

The doctor is ready to see you now,

because it's time for another sickening episode of Casually.

And, today, the junior doctors are being put to the test.

This is Nilbymouth Hospital.

In this week's episode, tears...

HE WAILS

..trauma...

Nurse! He's got my swab!

..and trousers that smell of cold soup.

Oh, no! My trousers smell of cold soup!

This is Casually.

SIREN WAILS

It's 7am, and Dr Scab is already hard at work.

Come on! Don't give up on me! Just a few more, come on!

I said, don't give up on me!

There we are, perfect.

Just in time for this weekend's trip to the swimming baths.

Scab, this is a professional hospital! Get rid of that.

PARP!

And now let the air out of this rubber ring.

Whilst the junior doctors are tested every day by the cases

that come through the doors,

they're still expected to pass vigorous medical exams.

Now, concentrate. Head, shoulders, knees and then toes. All right?

So that's head, shoulders, knees and toes.

# And eyes, and ears, and mouth and nose

# Heads and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! #

Meanwhile, the usually conscientious Dr Pox is forced to miss

her practical exam as she's busy with a patient.

And that is my quick three-hour-long speech about what a great

doctor I am.

Doctor, I don't suppose I could have my bed back now, please,

could I, please?

HE BELCHES

CRASH!

Later on, it's time for Dr Scab

to complete his written exam.

"Please turn over."

Well, that was easy! Finished!

Three hours later, the test results are in.

It's not good news, I'm afraid.

You've got eggy trouser sound syndrome.

HE GASPS

Oh, hang on.

Sorry, I was reading someone else's test results. Oh, yes. Here we are.

You've failed the exam.

But you do also have eggy trouser sound syndrome.

Oh!

Next week, Dr Scab struggles to hide his condition...

PARP!

-Was that you?

-Er, no, no. It was you.

..only on Casually.

-Oh, I enjoyed that!

-Yep.

In a way.

Now, Joe, seeing as you're here,

-shall we have a contest to see who's got the highest voice?

-Oh, yeah.

I like the sound of that. You go first, then?

-All right, then.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Hello!

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello!

-HIGHPITCHED:

-Hello!

-HIGH-PITCHED: Hello!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Hello-o-o-o-o!

Oh, no! Hacker's high-pitched squealing

is breaking all the machinery!

There's only one thing for it. We'll have to play the emergency film.

-Yeah, but, Derek...

-I'm going to play it, Lolly!

Hoo-hoo! Hey-hey!

This is a specially recorded programme by me, Derek McGee.

Hoo-hoo!

It's a nonsense special.

First up, child barrier lives up to its name.

Don't go through there. You can't go through there.

Don't... Oh, what a stupid child!

Motherly love goes a long way.

Oh, look, she's bonding with her babies.

Oh, look! Pigs can fly! Hoo-hoo!

It's time for a truly great Derek Time moment.

Nothing can stop me now. It's...

< Derek, your tea's ready! We're having crab sticks!

Don't let them go cold, Mother! Hoo-hoo!

-Quick, it's the end of the tape.

-OK, everyone. On air in three, two...

-And...

-Ha-ha, I think that means I win!

-Yeah, you definitely win.

Now, while we're talking about my dulcet tones,

-would you like to hear a little song that I've written?

-A song?

-And, guess what, Joe Pasquale?

-What?

-It's all about you. Cue the music.

MUSIC: Instrumental Version of "That's Amore"

# Who's the mischievous bloke who's quite good with a joke?

# That's Pasquale

# That's Pasquale

# Who is charming and nice?

# Who can dance on the ice?

# That's Pasquale

# That's Pasquale

# He's a right cheeky little tyke

# When he stars in pantomimes like Cinderella

# Cinderella

# If you want to be served songs that get on your nerves

# He's your fella. #

-Oh, yes, hoo-hoo, he's your fellow, ain't he?

-Oh, yes.

I think he's dreamy.

# ..Although now that I look

# I wish Derek had booked Sonali... #

She is very good, I do like Sonali.

# ..But he hasn't so now I am stuck with this man Joe Pasquale

# Joe Pasquale

# That's Pasquale

# Joseph Pas-quail! #

-Thoughts?

-Yeah, very good.

I got slightly insulted towards the end, though. I liked the beginning

but it went downhill very quickly towards the end.

Oh, I wouldn't have had this trouble with Sonali.

No, but you wouldn't have got the egg and bacon bottom. Mmm.

Oh, it is impressive, Joe. Larry! Tell us what's coming up.

Still to come on today's Hacker Time -

is Hacker T Dog any good at acting?

-Oh, yes, I am!

-Oh, no, he's not!

-Oh, yes, I am!

-All right.

Are cabbages really good for your health?

And who is this?

-You get it?

-Find out later on Hacker Time!

Now on Hacker Time, forget about the celebrity guest for a moment,

because I'm about to recite a serious

and heart-warming poem I've written.

It's a beautiful poem, and it's all about a lovely pigeon called Jemima.

He's a funny bloke, that Joe Pasquale, ain't he, Lolly?

I wish I could find a man who could make me laugh.

Really? Ho-ho! Well, listen to this joke.

A man walks into a DIY store and says, "Have you got any nails?"

And the shopkeeper says, "Yes. Five on each hand!"

LOLLY LAUGHS

Oh, that's so funny.

Oh, Wilf, that's the most hilarious thing

I think that I have ever heard.

Oh, wow! Does that mean you want to go on a date?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

With that shopkeeper!

Oh, he sounds a right laugh.

Have you got his number? Oh, text it to me, be a love!

Yeah, I'll, er, I'll text it to you, Lolly, yeah.

I've not got your number. Lolly, I've not...

I'll fire up the van.

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents a serious

and thought-provoking play, The Harrowing Onion.

Four days I have been alone in this room.

Four days with nothing for company but this solitary onion.

Oh, I long for a person to talk to.

Hello, boys and girls! Look, it's me, Buttons! Ha-ha-ha!

Hold on, what's going on now?

-I thought we was doing the panto, weren't we?

-No!

This is my big dramatic play. I'm doing some serious acting.

-Oh, no, you're not!

-Oh, yes, I am!

-Oh, no, he's not!

-Oh, yes, I am!

-All right.

What are you doing? Now get out of here, please!

OK, now Buttons has to go, boys and girls, but don't forget,

whenever you see the evil Abanazar,

don't forget to boo and hiss. Boo, hiss!

-Get out, will ya, please!

-All right, I'm going.

Now, there he goes. Now, what was I doing?

Oh, where's the onion gone now?

It's behind you! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

-Get out.

-Yeah, all right.

-Go on.

OK, but don't forget to boo and hiss when you see the evil Abanazar.

You said that bit.

-I know, but I needed to reiterate it, didn't I?

-Your hat's on jaunty.

-Get out.

-OK.

Oh, onion, my best friend yet my worst enemy.

How I wish I could eat you.

I'm coming.

-What are you doing now?

-Your wish is my command, Cinders!

-What have you done?

-I've turned your onion into a beautiful carriage.

But I can't eat a carriage!

I had one for lunch.

Now turn it back.

Certainly. Your wish is my command.

Ah, thank you.

-Hang on, I've just realised...

-What?

I'm allergic to onions!

-What's happening now?

-It must be a giant onion-stalk.

Shall we climb to the top and see what's up there?

Nah. Everyone knows it'll just be a giant and we'll defeat him

and we'll all live happily ever after.

-GIANT'S VOICE:

-Thanks for ruining it for everybody, Hacker(!)

-I wasn't ruining it.

-Oh, yes, you were.

-Oh, no, I wasn't.

-Oh, yes, you were!

-Right, that does it. Be quiet, giant!

-And you can get out and all, Pasquale.

-All right, if you say so.

But don't forget, boys and girls, when you see the evil Abanazar,

don't forget to boo and hiss.

-Get out, please!

-All right, I'm going.

And take your tiara off - you look daft.

And now for my emotional speech.

Oh, woe is me. Now I have no onion at all. What shall I do?

Where shall I go? What is to become of me?

HACKER CRIES

BOOING AND HISSING

What are you doing booing? Don't boo at me - me acting wasn't that bad.

I can't believe it. Stop it, please!

Stop booing at me. It's not nice, that. I can't believe...

Pasquale! It's you again! Right, that does it!

I'm out of here, you've sickened me! A-agh!

You know, maybe Hacker's right.

Maybe I'm wasting my time with this pantomime nonsense.

Maybe I've got what it takes to become a serious actor.

Oh, no, you haven't!

-Ha-ha! Thank you, ooh, again.

-Yes, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, we love you. We love you all.

Ugh, that's the worst thing I've watched in ages.

Oh, no, it wasn't! Ho-ho! But don't worry, it's behind you now!

Oh, stop that, Derek!

Let's see what else is on.

'Look at the people, Philip. Philip, please!'

PIGS SQUEAL

'No, Philip!'

Ooh, look.

OK, everybody, 15 minutes left of your detention,

so make sure you finish your...

-Josh, what are you doing?

-What?

Gorging meself silly on fizzy drinks and sweets, obviously.

Pah! Weirdo.

Oh, that is so unhealthy! Haven't you heard of five-a-day?

# One, two, three, four, five

# Is what you need to keep you on the road

# To a healthy body

# Put that junk food down

# And grab yourself an apple or a plum

# Hey, or even a lychee

-# Oh, I get it, how about a shake?

-No!

# Fill it with chocolate or a massive slab of cake

# No, Josh, wait that'll make you sick

# If you take another sip it'll make you gip

# So sing with me out loud

# You need your five-a-day is what they say

# Listen up

# Grab a kumquat, take a bean

# Basically eat anything that's green

# If it's good for your health indulge yourself

# Make sure you don't take the cakes off the sweet shelf

# All right, yeah I could eat this cherry

# On top of that cake that's shaped like a ferry

# Give me that or you'll be sorry

# Have a nice carrot or a little piece of broccoli

# And sing with me out loud

# You need your five-a-day is what they say

# Make your teacher proud

# And eat your five-a-day

# Every day

# Oh, every day, aww...! #

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,

the big finale of the programme.

Here's the fabulous, the amazing,

the fantastical quiz that we like to call...!

-Yes! Welcome to my quiz show, Joseph.

-Yep.

Inside each of these furniture items lies a fun challenge.

If you do well at them, you might just win a holiday.

What d'you think about that, cocker?

I think it's fantastic. I need one after this show.

-You're looking a bit withered.

-Yeah, I am.

In that case, let's get on with it,

for it's time to reveal the answer to the question on everyone's lips!

Right, Joe, please pick your first storage unit.

What will it be?

It will be the wardrobe.

Fantastic choice - the side cabinet it is.

Leap over, open it up with all the grace of a gazelle, Joe Pasquale.

Ooh, yes. Now, this round is entitled Who's That Meat To You?

We've dressed this meat product as a famous pantomime character.

All you have to do is guess Who's That Meat To You?

I would say that meat, that meat could be.... Er, is it the Princess?

-No! Incorrect, Joseph!

-No!

It was actually the famous meat-based character,

Mince Charming!

-JOE LAUGHS

-D'you get it? You get it?

Yes! He's made of mince.

It's Mince Charming. No, I like it, that's good.

-Now, Pasquale, sort yourself out.

-OK.

-All right, close the storage unit.

-I'll close the door there.

Right, Joe Pasquale! Now pick your next storage item.

My next storage item, Hacker, will be the hat box.

Good choice. The wardrobe it is!

Leap out, That Bear!

Oh, look who it is, it's That Bear!

Now, this round, Joe, is called What's That Bear Been Up To?

That Bear has had a very busy day today, appearing on a TV show,

but which TV show did he appear on?

Was it A, Countdown, was it B, The One Show,

or was it C, The Jeremy Kyle Show?

I would say, he looks a bit like Chris Evans,

so I'll say The One Show.

-Ooh, well, let's see if you're right.

-Right.

Thank you very much indeed, welcome back.

So we've heard one side of the story but let's hear the other.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Bear on the show.

BOOING

BEAR ROARS

Sit down. Sit down now.

Get him out of here, get him out of here!

What do you think of that, then?

So you were wrong, Joe. It was actually The Jeremy Kyle Show.

What d'you think about that?

-I don't know what I've got myself into.

-Cheers, That Bear, now get out!

-Yeah, thanks, That Bear.

-In your own time. Shut the doors behind you.

Let's see you get on with that. Well done, That Bear.

-Very nimble, in't he?

-Now, Joe, pick your third and final storage unit.

I think I'm going to have the wardrobe.

Good choice, the hat box it is!

Quick Fire!

Right, you've got to answer as many questions as you can

to win the holiday. Let's go!

-What is your name?

-Joe Pasquale.

-Correct!

-What isn't your name?

-Er, Fred Flintstone.

-Correct!

Name all of Shakespeare's comedies in alphabetical order.

Spongebob Squarepants...

I'm bored now. Right, complete this famous comedy duo, Morecambe and...?

-Wise!

-No, it was Morecambe and Lancaster, very funny town.

-Knock, knock!

-Who's there?

-You tell me, you're the comic!

-Tell me a joke!

-Uh, er... oh, no, I can't!

-Terrible one!

What's the punch line?

-Doctor, doctor!

-Who's there?

-What is comedy?

Why is comedy? WHO is comedy?

WHERE is comedy?! No, seriously, where has all the comedy gone?!

Time's up. How did he do, Derek?

Ha-ha, it says "bogies".

That means only one thing, you've won the holiday!

Fantastic, where am I going?

An all-expenses paid trip to the jungle.

How does it feel to be going back to the jungle?

I thought I was going to Spain. I don't want to go to the jungle!

Don't be so ungrateful. Herman!

-I'm not being ungrateful.

-Get him out of here.

-I don't want to go to the...

-Yes, Mr Hacker, come on.

I don't want to do... I've done the jungle!

-Have a lovely time, Joseph!

-I don't want to go to the jungle!

-Bye!

What a lovely woman!

Right, it's almost the end of the show now, cockers.

I'm off to buy a slow cooker from a retail park in Milton Keynes,

but first, I shall sing my little ditty.

Sing along!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Joe Pasquale was my guest

# He's got a famous bunion

# But he went and ruined everything

# When I tried to stage a serious play about a harrowing onion

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav, love So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

Ha-ha-ha! It's behind me!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd