Saira Khan Hacker Time

'Hacker Time is filmed in front of a three-week-old haggis.'

I'm afraid to announce we've run out of money.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

It's time to introduce some harsh cost-cutting measures.

Hacker, from now on,

you're only allowed one elaborate costume per show.

You're joking, Derek!

I can't present Hacker Time wearing nothing but a neckerchief!

-It's hardly showbiz!

-Tough. It'll have to do.

-I'm livid!

Lolly, we can't afford to replace your stopwatch.

You'll have to make do with your broken one.

Going on air in three, two...

BOING

Oh, actually, I've got no idea. It's only got one hand.

I also have to announce that I've had to let our odd-job man Wilf go.

But don't worry, I've replaced him with a cardboard cut-out.

I prefer him already.

Hacker, have you been adding to your costume?

I've told you, we can't afford it.

Oh, erm, er, look! Look, ooh!

Cardboard Wilf's about to do something.

CREAK-THUMP!

-THEY ALL LAUGH

-Hurrah!

It's going to be a good show!

I'm pretty sure we're on air in three, two...!

# You're going to watch this

# You've got to watch this! #

Oh-ho-ho, oh!

# You've got to watch this

# My, my, my, my

# Programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show that you can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

So how come we've run out of money, Derek?

Well, Hacker wanted us to hire a load of priceless antiques

-and balance them precariously on bits of flimsy old polystyrene.

-Why?

He's going to skate round them, and as long as he doesn't break any,

we should get our money back from the hire company.

Oh, what could possibly go wrong(?)

'Here we go.'

Ta-dah! Oh, yes! I'm good at this, oh, it's easy.

Anyone can do this roller-skating lark. Wa-hey!

-'Ooh, look!'

-Oh, no.

Oh, careful.

It's good, wa-da-da-dah!

I can't look!

Ta-dah!

-Well done!

-Hoo-hoo!

-Yes.

-Yes!

See, Lolly, not one broken antique. Bravo, Hacker.

That was beautiful, wasn't it, Wilf, eh?

VASES SHATTER

Oh, no! Me vases!

'The insurance'll never cover this!'

Cardboard Wilf certainly saved us a lot of money, didn't he, Derek(!)

I'm ruined! Oh-ho-ho!

Herman, see if you can glue 'em back together.

I'm sure no-one'll notice. Oh, I'm sorry about this, folks.

It's all been a shambles so far. I might as well just go home.

Should I fire up the cardboard van?

Oh, Cardboard Wilf, you've done more than enough. Go on, get out!

All right, mate, I'm off.

Oh, it's a good job my guest today is a consummate professional.

-Larry, send them in!

-Sure thing, Hacker!

Today's guest is a woman who is always hard at work.

She doesn't mind getting her hands dirty and dealing with big jobs.

It's...

Gill who cleans the toilets!

Ohh...

Er, Hacker, it's Saira Khan! I'm Saira Khan.

Well, Saira, KHAN you go back through that door?

I'm expecting a toilet attendant.

Do you think that's a really nice way to talk to your guests?

Erm...

Yeah.

Er...no!

Ha-ha! I always get that one wrong.

Right, look, no offence, cocker,

but I really do need to talk to Derek about this.

Hopefully, this is just a terrible mix-up.

Yeah, and whilst you're at it,

perhaps you can work on your attitude.

Derek!

Derek, I was expecting Gillian!

I've got an intimate, toilet-related question to ask her.

Oh, we're not spending half an hour talking about toilets.

I thought it would be good

to have a successful businesswoman around here.

Eh? Well, what about me?

You've got a chicken nugget stuck in your hair, Lolly.

Oh, no, not again!

Saira's going to be a great guest. Just watch this.

'Saira Khan first appeared on our screens

'in series one of The Apprentice.

'Since then, she's become a familiar CBBC face,

'presenting Beat The Boss and Trade Your Way To The USA,

'where she helps children buy soap and that!

'She also likes nothing more than standing on painted lorries.

'I'm not sure why.

'But anyway, that's most of what you need to know about Saira Khan!

'Ho-ho!'

Oh, her!

What a lovely treat, to have such an inspirational woman in the studio.

Oh, you might want to get out there, Hacker.

It looks like Herman's got involved.

That man's nothing but a fool!

-Er, the other way.

-Yep, I knew that.

(You should have told me.)

And selling tea to China was what made me a millionaire

at the age of, er, seven.

That is remarkable.

You are such a shrewd businessman, Herman.

-I tell you, you're wasted in this place.

-Herman! Herman!

Unhand that woman and get out of me sight! Go on!

Yes, Mr Hacker, OK.

Oh, Saira, I'm sorry about Herman.

Actually, he's got some fascinating business insights.

He's going to go really far.

Yeah, I know. Whenever I look at him, I think of The Apprentice.

Why, does he remind you of Lord Sugar?

No, I want to point at him and shout, "You're fired!"

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha!

Now, Larry, give us the headlines, me old cocker.

Here's a business proposition for you.

Stick around, because coming up on today's show,

Saira Khan says this...

Small quantities at high prices with little negotiation? Not good.

Dr Pox says this...

The delusions hint at an abnormality in the pre-frontal cortex,

so I suggest a full and thorough cranial biopsy.

And Hacker says this...

Ooh, no! You stop it now!

All this and more on Hacker Time.

-Wahey! Looks ace, that, don't it, Saira?

-Looks brilliant.

Right, it's time for me to interview you now.

But before we get started, I think it's best

-we talk about the terms of this chat.

-Good idea.

I'm offering to ask you 71 questions for three hours of your time.

Er, no, I won't accept that.

I'll have three questions in three minutes.

-How about two questions for three seconds of your time?

-Deal!

-Yeah!

Ha-ha-ha! Pleasure doing business with you, cocker.

Now, Saira, you present Trade Your Way To The USA.

You're also a successful businesswoman,

but what I want to know is this,

why did you need to trade your way to the USA?

Can't you afford to buy a ticket?

No, Hacker! The whole point is, is that for the end of the show

we want a big finale, so we go to America.

It's exciting, and the contestants really then want to go for it

and do their best.

Because, seriously, if you're a bit short,

I've got 50p you could borrow.

I don't need to borrow 50p, thank you.

Hey, d'you ever get embarrassed when you do business?

Why would I get embarrassed doing business?

Well, I get embarrassed when I do my business in the park.

People always watch me. I don't like that, cocker.

Anyway, I've noticed that in Trade Your Way To The USA,

you're always talking behind people's backs

when they're doing negotiations. Behold the evidence!

Wow! I wasn't expecting that! Here we go.

You've got to taste this product to sell it.

No, big mistake.

I want to see a lot more assertive negotiation.

I hope they're listening.

Small quantities at high prices with little negotiation? Not good.

She means business.

It's not nice to talk behind people's backs, is it, Saira?

Well, it's not, but I'm not really talking behind their back,

-I'm giving the audience constructive feedback.

-Interesting, yes.

-Well, let's move on. Saira!

-Yes.

What is business?

Well, business is when you, you know, buy and sell...

Saira would do well to note that I'm not interested in the answer at all.

I have no interest in anything she says to me,

but she's going to carry on anyway, cos she's a lovely woman. And, er...

-Hacker, what are you doing?

-Oh, nothing, nothing!

Yes, of course, yes, next question.

-You started off on The Apprentice, didn't you?

-I did.

-What was it like?

It was amazing...

Saira's wearing a lovely blouse today.

A lovely yet ill-fitting blouse,

and her skirt is made of a cheap jersey material,

grey with stars on it.

And the shoes were two-for-one.

If you're asking me a question,

then at least you can have the decency to listen to the answer!

-You might learn something.

-I'm sorry, cocker, did I do it again?

Didn't notice. Fortunately, that hardly ever happens.

Hey, did you know that I actually went into business once?

Ah, I'm having a lovely holiday.

There was lots to do in the town of Business. Mainly fining.

Anyway, before we finish, I was wondering if you could help me

with my sales techniques, cocker.

Tell me how I'm doing, will ya?

Ah! Buy this sandwich!

Let's try and be a little bit nicer.

All right.

Please buy this sandwich.

It's not something I'd enjoy.

It's been in the cupboard for weeks, but will you buy it? Please?

Please buy this sandwich!

-Let's try and be a little bit more persuasive.

-All right, then.

Buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it,

buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it...

All right! All right! I'll buy it.

Huzzah! Anyway, it's been lovely chatting to you, cocker,

but I've realised I've asked you way more questions than we agreed.

So before you try and sue me, let's move on.

What's coming up next, Larry?

What do you get when you cross a load of foolish doctors

with a hospital inspection?

Chaos, of course! Yes, it's time for Casually!

'This is Nilbymouth Hospital.

'In this week's episode, tears...'

CREATURE CRIES

'..trauma...'

Nurse! He's got me swab!

'..and trouble comes to the ward.'

Mr Trouble, hello.

This will be your bed for the next two weeks.

'This is Casually.'

'It's 8am at Nilbymouth Hospital,

'and senior surgeon Dr Side-Parting

'has got a few announcements to make.'

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

It's 8am here at Nilbymouth Hospital,

and I, senior surgeon Dr Side-Parting,

has got a few announcements to make.

Firstly, we've got the TV crew in again today.

Just go about your jobs as normal, I want you all to be at your best

because we have an inspector coming in.

THEY ALL GASP Yes!

It's incredibly important that he sees how efficient

and professional we are, so I don't want any slip-ups.

W-urgh!

GLASS SHATTERS

'Just as the hospital prepares for the inspector's visit,

'tensions are raised as an emergency call comes in.

'An ambulance is on its way with a man who's had a terrible fall.'

So just to be clear, the next person to come through that door

is either the inspector or a man who's had a hideous accident?

Well, yes, it's perfectly simple.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, yes! What a wonderful day for inspecting hospitals! Ha-ha!

What? No, no. What are you doing? Urgh!

We'll save you, Mr Man Who's Had An Accident!

Well, no, I think there's been a terrible mix-up. I'm the inspector.

Oh, it's worse than we thought. He's delusional!

CLONK AND TWEETING BIRDS

'The situation gets worse as the doctors realise

'they need to get the patient to theatre immediately.'

Hello!

Yes, I need two tickets to Les Miserable, please,

and make it snappy!

Oh, yeah...oh, no.

They've sold out, mate.

Oh, no! Ohh...!

If we can't get him to theatre, we're going to have to operate here.

Dr Pox, what are you thinking?

The delusions hint at an abnormality in the pre-frontal cortex,

so I suggest a full and thorough cranial biopsy,

-perhaps leading to a lobotomy.

-Good suggestion.

What about you, Dr Scab? What are you thinking?

Well, I was wondering why flamingos stand on one leg.

Interesting.

But I think we'll go with Dr Pox's excellent suggestion.

Well done, have a lollipop.

'After several seconds of intense surgery,

'the hard-working doctors finally emerge.'

Well, that went well. The inspector should be here by now.

Let's show him our good work.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

I've just had a terrible accident.

Ah, Inspector. There you are.

-Look at our good work.

-I, I...ohh!

Ooh, Inspector? Inspector?

You called? Ohh!

So you ARE the inspector?

-Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you!

-Oh, no.

-We've failed the inspection, haven't we?

-Yeah.

Well, even though you caused major damage to one of my vital organs,

I was very impressed by the speed, efficiency

and cleanliness of your hospital.

You've passed.

Efficiency? Cleanliness?

-He's clearly still delusional.

-Yeah.

-Oh, come on.

Let's get back to theatre. Wilf!

The Lion King? Wicked?

They've all sold out?!

HE MOANS GIBBERISH

'Next week, the hospital is hit

'by its largest emergency ever.'

The canteen has run out of sausage rolls!

'Only on Casually.'

Hey, I'm hoping to make millions when that goes to DVD.

Beneath this pretty face is a shrewd businessman, can you tell, Saira?

Well, it's definitely not a man because you're a dog,

-but I'll give you the shrewd.

-Oh, thanks, cocker.

-It's all right.

Still lots more fun to come, but before we continue,

-I've got a little business transaction to see to.

-Oh, yeah?

-I'm just making a small deposit.

-FARTS LOUDLY

What are you...? What are you doing?

Well, there's a windfall on its way, isn't there?

FARTS LOUDLY

Derek, how many times have we told him not to do his business on TV?

-It's a disaster, Lolly.

-We can't let people see this!

Emergency film to the rescue.

All right, my little owls.

I've recorded a special Derek Time for your little old eyes today,

and it's all about balloons.

Wahoo! I'll start by showing you the time I dressed

as a ginger cat balloon for my friend, ill-tempered Tom.

I started by gently tiptoeing over to ill-tempered Tom and then,

he let me down big time.

And what about these exploding mangetout?

They're like peas, really. This cat loves them.

Not any more.

Now, I purchased this lovely bunch of balloons here for my mate

vigorous Pete. I'll just pop them in the other room on the floor.

There we go. Lovely.

I hope they'll be all right in there and nothing untoward happens.

Oh, no! Something untoward IS happening! Pete!

What are you doing, young man?!

-And that concludes Derek Time.

-Derek! Will you nip to the shop?

-We're out of tinned salmon!

-Not now, mother, I'm doing my video.

-Don't make me come up there!

-Yes, mother. Oh...

Derek, get that rubbish off and get us back on, will you?

Oh, all right, cockers? Sorry about Derek Time, there.

We're in the process

of getting a court order against him, or something.

Anyway, Saira, there are various thoughts I've always had about you.

Really? That's so nice.

Yes, it is, but I'm not going to speak them with words, Saira.

I'm going to express my feelings via the medium of song.

This is for you. A little ditty.

# There's a woman in my life with style and grace

# She knows what she wants You don't mess with that face

# She only wants to get the best out of you

# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do

# She finished The Apprentice at number two

# She's traded her way and beat the boss, too

# She's come on this show to talk to you

# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do

# She managed to sell you knickers. #

Even if you're going out for apples, do you know what I mean?

# Her sales technique's persuasive

# She could sell tea to China. #

Which is ironic, cos they've got loads of the stuff there.

I mean, I've seen it on the telly.

# She wears things that shows she's in control

# Her wavy her has a decisive curl

# She gets what she wants with her winning smile

# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do

# She's not afraid to talk you down

# She'll do all she can to save a pound

# She's a hero and that is true

# There isn't a thing that Saira KHAN't do. #

KHAN't do. Her name's Khan. That's what we've been saying.

-What do you think, cocker?

-Hacker, I love it! It's brilliant.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure, Saira. But it's not over yet, cockers.

No, no, you stop it, no! Tell us what's still to come, Larry.

If you're in the business of enjoying yourself,

stick around because you'll love everything that's still to come

on today's Hacker Time.

Hacker learns to respect his elders.

'No way, Grandad!'

He also asks some searching questions.

Why won't you buy my apples?!

And find out what he really thinks of Saira.

'What's she got - a home perm kit or something?'

All still to come on Hacker Time.

'Today's lecture is all about my love for wheat.

'I love wheat, it makes me feel all warm inside...'

Oh. Hiya, Wilf.

I hope you don't mind me coming over? I needed a break from Derek.

He gets on my nerves, sometimes.

You know, you're probably too polite to say it,

but he's just such a know-it-all. He never listens to anyone else.

Not like you, Wilf.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

You know, I've never noticed what a good listener you are.

Sometimes I just want to talk and talk and talk,

and talk and talk, and talk and talk about my feelings without

letting anyone else get a word in edgeways.

I don't suppose you'd like to grab a smoothie sometime, would you?

Lolly, I'd love to.

I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to HIM!

MUSIC STOPS

OK... I'll leave you two to it then. I need to go and fire up the van.

Yeah.

Hello and welcome to Hacker Shop TV.

We've got loads of bargains for you.

And today I'm joined by a guest presenter.

Yes, to flog her tatty wares today, please welcome Sarah Crane.

It's Saira Khan.

Whatever. What have you got for us today, love?

Well, let's start with broken sunglasses,

actually for when you're in the sun and when you're not.

It does two jobs in one. Fed up of waking up?

Now you don't have to with this broken alarm clock.

Oh, it's damaged beyond repair.

-Finally, having problems with your diet?

-Yes.

This mouldy food will make sure you stick to it.

I'll take the lot, Sarah. Yes, they're mine!

They're mine, I tells you!

I'll put them in t'boot later, cocker.

Right, next up, it's time to talk to some callers. Who's on line one?

Hello, it's Anne from Eccles.

Hello, Anne, what would you like to order?

A 12-inch meat feast, please.

Madame, I think you've got the wrong number. Let's go to line three.

'I'm calling to say this is the worst programme I've ever seen,

'particularly that female presenter.

'What's she got, a home perm kit or something?'

'Look at the state of that jewellery. What a disgrace!'

Hacker, I can see you right there.

But it needed saying, Saira.

I mean, come on.

Oh!

It's now time to demonstrate a very exciting new product.

It's going to solve all your cleaning woes.

Yes, it's Danger Cleanse.

LION ROARS

This aggressive household cleaner

is so powerful it will get rid of anything and everything.

Sarah's now going to demonstrate it

-on my mother's favourite antique painting.

-Saira!

Hacker, do you think that's wise?

Well, if you know a better way to get a tiny bit of dust

off a painting, I'd love to hear about it.

-Well, I think...

-Don't question me, Sarah!

-Get danger cleansing! Cleanse!

-LION ROARS

-We're offering you one can of Danger Cleanse.

-LION ROARS

It was 190 quid,

but we're now offering it at the bargain price of 189.99.

Plus one pence for the postage and packaging.

The product has been banned in 27 countries

but don't let that put you off.

Imagine my mother's delight when she discovers her newly dusted painting.

How are you getting on, Sarah?

I'm so sorry, Hacker.

It...it...it...

It looks brilliant! I love it!

I'll buy it for all the money in the world!

Yes, all the money in my world-shaped money box.

-Love it, there you go.

-Thanks, Danger Cleanse.

LION ROARS

That's the BAFTA right there, Lolly.

Yeah, BAFTA for the worst ever sketch seen on TV.

Lolly, wash your mouth out with soap. But not Danger Cleanse.

LION ROARS

-It's highly corrosive.

-Derek, I can't watch any more of this drivel.

Let's see what else is on.

-Who's he?

-Wilf.

He's still being untoward, look!

ALARM BELL

-RAPPING:

-We're why you're here Don't patronise us

OK, my dear?

You're all proper boring and you've got grey hair

And you're the type of people who have a favourite chair

Show some respect, we've lived our lives

We can be cool

We can do high-fives

That's not straight Here, have a boiled sweet

I bet you don't even know how to tweet

# Show some respect for those who cannot reach their toes. #

You think we are uncool or even gross

But we're the people who YOU need the most

All right, calm down, you'll do your back in

Go and have a nap and wait for Countdown to begin

At least I can reach things that are way up high

Bet you don't know what LOL means, or Wi-Fi

-We don't get homework

-Actually, that's pretty cool

-We can stay up late

-I go to bed after eight!

We don't get grounded, we have no rules

I want to be older I've been a fool.

Right, looks like you fully understood what

I was saying about respect and being polite to people older than you.

Yeah. I've learnt a deep and valuable lesson.

And you won't disrespect any adults again, right?

No, way...

Grandad!

Grand pops!

Grumpy-pops, ah!

Ha-ha!

(COUGHS)

Excuse me.

ALARM BELL

And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for,

the thrilling climax of today's show, the stupendous,

the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...

EPIC MUSIC

Yes, welcome to my quiz, Saira.

Inside each of these furniture items lies a fun challenge.

If you do well at them, you might just win yourself a holiday.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

-Righty ho, let's get on with it.

I haven't got all day, cocker,

and I'm sure the viewers at home are dying to know...

EPIC MUSIC

Saira Khan, please pick your first storage unit. What will it be?

-OK, I'll go for the suitcase.

-Good choice. The side cabinet it is.

Wander over and open it aloft. And peer inside.

This challenge is called Can You Guess What It Is?

-So, can you guess what it is, Saira?

-It's a can?

BUZZER

You're wrong, I'm afraid.

Turn it around, let's have a little look.

It was actually a Saira-can. Ha-ha-ha!

A little joke there, Saira.

Now, shut that cabinet door

and pick another piece of furniture, cocker.

-OK, so, I will go for the hatbox.

-Good choice, the wardrobe it is.

Wander across, fling the doors open, and peer in.

This round is called

How Many Business Items Can You Put On In 15 Seconds?

Can you guess what you have to do?

-Yes. I've got to put all that stuff on.

-Sure enough, cocker. Well done.

Take it away, then. You've only got 15 seconds. Here...we...go!

Put the items on, get the business item, come on.

Hurry up, Saira, come on. You're rubbish at this!

Get more business items on. Hurry up, quick...

No, time's up.

I'm afraid you've failed that round.

Come back over here and let me assess your business items.

I wouldn't buy anything off you, look at the state of you.

Now, pick another storage unit.

-Right, I'll go for the cake tin, please.

-Hatbox it is.

Quickfire. Ha!

You've got to answer as many questions as you can

to win the holiday. Let's go.

-Name a TV programme with Lord Alan Sugar in it.

-The Apprentice.

Correct. Name a TV programme with you in it.

Trade Your Way To The USA.

Yes. If I had two businesses and I swapped them for seven businesses,

-what would I have?

-None.

-A headache. What's the point of a suit?

-To look smart.

-The collar.

-Name something you find in an office.

-A stapler.

Despair. Will you buy seven mouldy apples off me for 50 quid?

-Absolutely not.

-Miserable.

-What about three mouldy apples for 100 quid?

-No.

Why won't you buy my apples? Why won't you buy my apples?!

-Is this any of your business?

-You're not good at selling!

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

-Mind your own business!

-HOOTER

Thank you. That's it. Your time's up.

How did she do, Derek?

She did so well I'm awarding her nine mouldy apples.

I don't know what that means but it doesn't matter

because winning or losing means the same thing here.

You're going on holiday to...

the scrap yard! Yes, what do you think of that, Saira?

-I'm not going to the scrap yard, no way!

-Herman, Herman!

-Get her out of my sight.

-Yes, Mr Hacker. Step this way, please.

Come on, you're going on holiday!

Scrap yard!

-Stop being ungrateful.

-I'm not going to the scrap yard!

Ha-ha ha-ha!

Thanks for watching my little show today. I'm off home now.

I've got some business to see to. I'm bursting.

All that's left for me to do now is sing me little song.

Sing along, cockers.

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of funny stuff, it'll be top drawer

# Saira Khan was my guest today

# What a top businesswoman

# But our friendship nearly met its end

# When she ruined Mum's painting with all that scrubbing

# And that is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# Put in your diary it's called Hacker Time.

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

I'll fire up the van.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd