Robbie Savage Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed underneath a live studio audience.

APPLAUSE

Now, does anybody have an issue they want to discuss?

I have, cockers.

It's come to my attention that I do not have a catch phrase.

I mean, you lot have one, don't you?

Yes, Mr Hacker.

APPLAUSE

I'll fire up the van.

On air in three, two, one.

Hooray!

Ho-ho!

What are you doing, Derek?

I was saying my catch phrase, "Ho-ho."

Well, I've never heard you say that before, cockers.

But I'm always saying it. Ho-ho!

Ho-ho! Ho-ho!

All right, all right. Give it a rest, cockers.

That's it, Mr Hacker. Your catch phrase could be...

-cockers.

-Oh, yeah. I've literally never used that expression

in my life. Cockers it is. Cockers!

APPLAUSE

OK then. On air in three...

No, we really are on air in three,

two, one.

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my

# My programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say

# Oh, my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show

# You can't touch

# Hacker Time. #

Thank you.

-Ho-ho!

-Derek, why are you dressed like that?

It's for today's grand opening.

Hacker's going to lead us all in a special sporting workout. Ho-ho.

All right. Here we go. It's exercise time.

To the left. Two. Three. Four.

To the right. Two. Three. Four.

And star jump.

Star jump. Come on. You can do it.

Yes, I can do it!

Get your arms up. Come on.

Believe in yourself, cocker.

All right. Follow my lead, cockers.

-BUZZING

-Hang on.

BUZZING

Go on. Get out of here!

Right. That does it.

If he thinks I'm doing that, he can think again.

Sometimes, I love this job.

That's better. Now, time to introduce my top-notch guest.

Larry, who is it, cocker?

Well, Hacker, it's someone from Strictly Come Dancing,

someone with flowing blond hair

and someone who's always commenting on the scores.

It's...

Television's Tess Daly!

Wait a minute. Something's not right here.

Tess, what have you been up to? You look a right mess.

-You've let yourself go, love.

-No, Hacker. I'm Robbie Savage,

ex-footballer and Strictly contestant.

You're just mumbling now, Tess. You're making no sense.

You just stay there and I'll go and sort this out.

Derek! What is going on out there?

I don't think that really is Tess Daly.

It isn't Tess Daly, Hacker. It's football's Robbie Savage.

Oh, I'm still confused. I mean, why has she changed her name?

Oh, take a look at this. It should explain everything.

Robbie Savage is a former footballer who's now a big telly star.

He appears on shows like Football Focus

and Match Of The Day where he comments on all the footy action.

He also appeared on Strictly Come Dancing

where he caused problems for the costume department

by constantly ripping off his shirt.

And that's all you need to know about Robbie Savage.

So, what do you think?

Ooh! He sounds good.

I shall interview him with my eyes, face and mouth, cocker.

To the studio!

It's that way.

I know. Just testing.

It's like I've always said, Robbie.

That Lionel Messi has to be the greatest footballer on the planet.

He scored 91 goals as well, Herman, in a calendar year.

-Did you know that?

-Cor! 91 goals in a calendar year.

-I'll just get involved in this little chat.

-He's amazing.

Football...

-Football's a game of something.

-Look, I'm sorry about him, Robbie.

He must have been drinking out of the toilet again.

Get out, Herman. Grrrrr!

-I'll see you on Saturday, Robbie.

-See you, Herman.

No, you won't. I'll do Robbie Savage.

We've got some right treats in store for you today, cocker.

Larry, tell us what's coming up.

The fun's about to kick off because today's Hacker Time

is all about soccer, cocker.

Coming up - Robbie laughs at something funny...

..Dr Side Parting has some serious news...

You're dying...

to find out your results.

..and Hacker loses his shirt.

All this and more on Hacker Time.

That looks so exciting. I could go...

-HACKER CHEERS

-Couldn't you, Robbie?

Yeah. So, Robbie, now it is time for my top-notch interview.

-Are you ready to be interviewed by a little dog?

-Yes, I am.

-Huzzah!

First, it's time for my serious question.

HACKER CLEARS HIS THROAT

What's football?

Next serious question. You appear on Football Focus where you engage

in footy banter with other boring people

like Daniel Walker, don't you?

Shall we engage in some top-notch footy banter now?

-Yes, please, Hacker.

-OK. Ahem.

-Did you watch the match?

-Which one?

-I don't know.

Just footy banter, isn't it?

Do you know how they say that you need 10,000 hours of training

-to be a top-notch sports star?

-Do they?

Did you never fancy putting the time in?

You'd have been better then. Just innocent footy banter, cocker.

Robbie, you've worked with animals before, haven't you?

Do you know Lawro?

Lawro, yeah. Is he half-man half-badger?

Seriously though.

Did you borrow that shirt from Lawro today?

-This is better than Lawro's shirts, Hacker.

-Come on!

It's ghastly and ill-fitting. What are you thinking of?

You're not 23 now. It's just footy banter.

Robert Savage, you've got a reputation for being

-a bit naughty on the pitch, haven't you?

-Yes, Hacker.

-How many yellow cards did you get during your career?

-About 150.

-Oh!

150?! Robbie, come here.

Get right up to me.

You...are...

a naughty boy

and I'm not angry with you,

I'm just very disappointed.

I'm afraid there's only one punishment for you.

Turn round and face the wall.

Look at Barker and think about what you've done.

-What have you got to say for yourself, Robbie?

-Nothing, Hacker.

You can come back then, cocker. Turn around. All sorted.

It's just footy banter.

Now, Robert, you were once named the dirtiest player in football.

Hacker, 150 yellow cards, they weren't my fault.

I was once named the dirtiest player in football too.

Oh, look.

I've got ketchup on my blouse.

You're the dirtiest player in football.

You're off the team.

Do you want a bite?

Oh, it was terrible, Robbie.

I had to put it in a boil wash.

-Robbie, what's the best thing you've ever done on the pitch?

-Um...

-I can't even begin to tell you what I did on the pitch.

-What did you do?

I plopped in the goalmouth.

Gabby Logan, discuss.

-Looks like me a little bit.

-Yeah, same beard.

Now, Robert Simon Savage, you're not just known for football.

You also took part in Strictly Come Dancing, didn't you?

-What was that like?

-It was very difficult, Hacker.

I was good though, to be fair, wasn't I?

Let's look at a clip of you in action.

# I believe in miracles

# Since you came along

# You sexy thing. #

Fantastic. Hey, Robbie,

-did you enjoy doing that?

-Yes, I did.

As a little treat for you now,

I shall pay homage to you by re-enacting that very, very dance.

Hit it.

And now, for the big finish...

Ta-da!

What do you think, cocker? Oh, no. Oh, my privets.

Quick. Larry, do something.

It's time for your routine appointment

with another instalment of Casually.

Today, things are getting tense as everyone's feeling the pressure.

This is Nilbymouth Hospital.

In this week's episode - tears...

HE SOBS

..trauma...

Nurse, he's got my swab.

..and tragic loss.

There's nothing more we can do.

He was a good cup.

Oh, no.

This is Casually.

Constant pressure and difficult decisions

are a daily part of life here at Nilbymouth Hospital.

You can do this, Pox.

-Just concentrate.

-Come on, Pox. Do it. Do it.

-I can't do it.

I can't make my mind up.

-Have a latte.

-But what about the cappuccinos?

-Who's going to drink them?

-Good point.

Junior doctors have to learn to make a variety of tough calls.

I can't do it.

I've got no fingers to dial with.

This is a really tough call.

For patients with complicated conditions,

senior doctors can fall back on their years of experience

to diagnose them.

So, your results have come in and even though they're all bad,

I personally think you should go home. You look fine to me.

But doctor, I looked like this a week ago.

Oh, you think that's bad.

I looked like THIS a week ago.

But that's Shirley from EastEnders.

Exactly.

Even hospital staff have to face stressful news from time to time.

It's about your EX, RAY...

he's in reception, he's got some flowers and he wants you back.

I miss you, Lolly.

But the best way to support patients facing difficult conditions

is to remain calm and clear.

Right.

The truth is, you're dying...

to find out your results.

I'm afraid you've got everything...

to live for...for now.

But what you've got is life-threatening...ly hilarious.

If you've got a very sick sense of humour,

which you won't have for much longer...because...

-BELL RINGS

-Oh! Home time.

Next week, Dr Scab has a life-changing experience.

Guess what, everyone. I've got new shoes.

Read 'em and weep.

Only on Casually.

I think we can all agree that that was slightly above par.

Now, Robbie, do you think you can show me

-how to be a professional footballer?

-Definitely, Hacker.

-You do?

-Yeah.

-What can you show me?

-I can show you how to head it.

I'm pretty sure ball games aren't allowed in the studio.

Oh, don't panic, Lolly. Robbie's a pro.

What's the worst that can happen?

..with your blonde bonce, cocker.

GLASS SHATTERS

ALARM Hot Eric. My gallery. Do something!

There's only one thing for it. We have to play the emergency film.

But none of the buttons are working.

The emergency film button always works.

Ho-ho! Eh?

Ho-ho! Welcome to Derek Time.

Today's episode is an Olympic special.

First, this dog is aiming to give Bradley Wiggins a run for his money.

Look at him go.

It's Bradley WAGGINS and what a great set of quads on him too.

And trampolining has a new canine star.

Right. Do a twirl. Or a spin.

Don't just bounce, my friend.

He's got no chance. He'll never win. Ho-ho!

And now to a brand-new sport which I think is due to be introduced

at the next Olympic Games. Yes, a rat-staring contest.

The Belgian on the left is the reigning champ.

This is round one on the bed. Round two, round the corner.

And round three, back on the bed again.

Thrilling stuff, isn't it? I love this.

Fortunately for us, these games can last for up to seven hours.

Ho-ho! I'm hooked.

But now, it's exciting, this.

I've not been this excited for years, I tell you. Ho-ho!

-It's time for...

-Derek, have you seen my good tea towel?

On the radiator, Mother. In the hall. Oh, mother. Where was I?

That's all from Derek Time today.

See you next time, my little owls. Ho-ho!

-Quick. It's the end of the tape.

-OK, everyone. On air in three, two...

Sorry you had to watch that, Robbie.

Now, I understand that you are a musical superstar. Is that right?

Not really.

Well, I think we've been doing our research, cocker,

and we found this music video you recorded.

# Barbara Streisand... #

HE MOUTHS SINGING

Oh, Robert Savage. That was a travesty for all of mankind.

-What have you got to say for yourself?

-It was bad, Hacker.

Seems like you could do with learning from the best.

And by the best, I mean ME!

I will commence my song now.

# I know a man who comes from Wales

# He wears his hair in ponytails

# It's Robbie Savage

# He's got lots of yellow cards

# He really is a very naughty boy

# He went on to Strictly to clear his name

# He tangoed Ripped off his clothes

# Hit a camera Broke his nose

# Robbie Savage

# Now he makes his living out of

# Giving comments on a show called

# Football Focus

# Because he isn't fit enough

# To play a whole 90-minute game

# Robbie Savage is his name

# Robbie Savage

# Robbie Savage

# Robbie Savage Ha! #

-What do you think, Robbie?

-Fantastic, Hacker.

He loved it! He loved it, it's a success!

What's coming up next, Larry?

Stay tuned, because it's not full time yet.

Yes, there's still loads more to come on Hacker Time.

Hacker confronts his worst fear...

Oh, no, not that!

..Robbie is asked some difficult questions...

What flavour are the half-time pies?

..and has Hacker finally lost it?

..Woo-woo-weeeow-eh-deh-beh...

All still to come on Hacker Time!

Coming up next is tea...time, t-time for Hicker. Who's Hicker?

Derek, this autocue thing's broken again.

Hicker Team is top...

Oh, here she comes now!

Maybe she'd fall for me if I'd hair like Robbie Savage!

Oh. Hiya!

Er...it's you.

You look...different.

Thanks.

You know, I was hoping for a chance to get you alone.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You see, I've been admiring you for some time now.

You have?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is...

I love you.

Oh, Lolly! You've made me the happiest Wilf in Wilfland!

You mean, you're not Robbie Savage?

No. It's me! Look!

I'm going to be sick.

She likes you, Wilf, she likes you!

# Oh, fire up the... #

And now it's time for everyone's favourite sport show...

Football Slightly Out Of Focus!

Hi, and welcome to Football Slightly Out Of Focus.

I'm Geoff Geoffington, and today I'm joined by Robbie Savage...

Hi, Geoff.

..and Hacker T Dog.

Absolutely.

Guys, I want to start by getting your opinions

on some of the biggest names in football.

First up, David Beckham.

Robbie, what can you tell us about this little guy?

Well, Geoff, he's the most capped outfield English player of all time,

115 caps.

Hacker, can you add to that?

Yeah, I can. His name rhymes with Wavid Weckham.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose it does. That's a good point, Hacker.

Thank you, it's what I do.

And also much more interesting than Robbie's so-called "fact"!

I thought Gary Lineker was dull.

So, Hacker, what can you do with a football?

-Well, you see this football?

-Yeah?

I've drawn a face on it.

Robbie, I think that's much better than anything you've ever done.

Well, now you have a chance to redeem yourself

because I want to see how good you are

at pronouncing footballers' names.

Ibra Ibrowoohoo, I think that's how you say that, yeah, Robbie?

No, Geoff, it's Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

He's wrong, I tells you!

We all know it's Ibry for short. Did you not know that, Robbie?

It's Ibry. Come on, up your game, son!

Here's another. How would you say this?

That's easy, Geoff, Emmanuel Adebayor.

-Is that right, Hacker?

-No, I'm afraid not, cocker.

-It's pronounced Chhhade-bay-or. Yeah?

-It's not, Hacker.

-It's spelt with a silent "chhh."

-It's not. Adebayor.

-CHHHADEBAYOR.

-No, "A!"

-Chhhadebayor!

Robbie, could you please settle down

or I'm going to have to ask you to leave this studio?

Right. How do you say that?

That easy, Geoff. It's not Tess Daly or Gabby Logan, it's Robbie Savage.

-Me, Hacker.

-Hacker T Dog, are you sure?

It's actually pronounced

Robbie Chhh-ee-ow-ow-woo-woo-weeeow

eh-deh-beh-lipedy-chhh

rarrrgh-

myehhhm-

rargh-heem-myawwwh.

All the letters are silent.

Well, Hacker is the expert, so he must be right, mustn't he, Robbie?

-No, Geoff! It's Savage, Hacker.

-It's Chhh-ee-ow.

Anyway, that's it for this week.

Just time to thank my guests, Hacker T Dog and Robbie Chhh.

That's it! Geoffrey Geoffington, I've had enough of this.

Somebody call me a taxi, please.

-Taxi for Robert Chhh?

-That'll be me.

Come with me, son, meter's running.

Every time you turn the telly on these days

it's football, football, football.

-What else is on, Derek?

-I don't know, love, have a look.

-OK.

'Look at that little pot bang, Zadat. Side Parting...'

-Oh, yikes.

-What's he doing now?

-No.

-Who is that now?

-No.

Ooh, good work.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-OK, Josh, time for PE.

-Huzzah! My favourite lesson!

-What are we doing today, hockey?

-No.

-Ice hockey?

-No.

-Table ice hockey?

-No, Josh, we're going on the trampoline.

-Oh, no, not that! Anything but that!

-What's wrong with the trampoline?

It terrifies me. Look at its mighty frame and its unforgiving surface.

Trampoline time. Here we go.

RAPS: # There comes a time in a person's life

# They got to face their fears Got to do what's right

# Got to prove to themselves That they can be strong

# Cos anything less Would be just plain wrong

-# Can I do the hoops?

-No, not today

-# Or the javelin?

-You'll get carried away

# You know how I love the egg and spoon race

# You'll only end up with it on your face

-# Can I throw a shot-put?

-It'll make you sink

-# Do the pole vault?

-You'll just break the stick

# I'll never do it Look at the size

-# It's a piece of cake

-You're telling lies

# No, I won't go on the trampoline

# No, I can't go on the trampoline

# I mustn't go on the trampoline

# Don't make me go on the trampoline...

# There comes a time in a person's life

# They got to face their fears Got to do what's right

# Got to prove to themselves That they can be strong

# Cos anything less Would be just plain wrong. #

Oh, what happened?

You went on the trampoline.

Oh... The... Ohhh...

Ladies and gentlemen, coming up now is the real deal.

It's the most amazing, fabulous, incredible quiz on TV,

it's something that we like to call...

Yes, Roberto Sauvage, this is my quiz show, What's In 'Em?

Inside each of these fantastic storage units lies a lovely

challenge and if you do well at the challenges, you might just

win yourself a little holiday.

-What do you reckon about that, Robbie?

-Can't wait.

Top drawer, innit? In that case, let's crack on with it,

cos I'm sure the viewers at home are eager to find out...

Robbie Savage, time to pick your first storage unit.

-Which will it be?

-I think I'll have the wardrobe, Hacker.

Good choice, the side cabinet it is.

Open up the cabinet, Robbie, with all the grace of a gazelle.

Fling the door aloft and peer within.

Yes, this challenge is called, Who Is That Sausage?

We've dressed up said sausage as a famous celebrity.

You've got to guess, who's the sausage?

I think it's Gary Lineker.

You are correct, it is Gary Lineker, host of Match Of The Day.

What do you think about the likeness, Robbie?

I think the ears are a bit too small on the sausage.

A bit too small! You made a funny!

All right, Robbie, sling Lineker back in the cupboard

and shut the door, Cocker.

Robbie Savage, pick your next storage unit.

I think, Hacker, I will go for the cake tin.

Good choice, the wardrobe it is.

Come on out, Accordion George!

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# Accy G. #

Yes, Robbie Savage, say hello to Accy G. Give him a wave, Robbie.

-Hi, George.

-Get back on your mark, son.

Right, as a little treat for you,

Robbie Savage, Accordion George is going to play you

a fantastic tune on his lovely accordion

and you've got to guess what song it is.

-Have you got that?

-Yes, Hacker.

-Lovely. Take it away, Accy G.

HE PLAYS MATCH OF THE DAY THEME

Thank you, Accy G.

Now, Robbie Savage, think carefully because it's a tricky one, this.

-What was Accy G playing?

-Was it Match Of The Day?

Let's find out if you're right. Play it in.

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS

You're right! Correct. Well done, Robbie Savage.

HE SINGS ALONG TO MATCH OF THE DAY THEME

Well done, Robbie Savage.

Although, George, I thought I told you

to learn the Football Focus theme tune?

You've let me down there, Accy G. Go on, go away, shut the doors.

Give us a wave first, though, be professional. Cheers, AG.

All right, off you pop. He loves a pine cabinet, that man.

Right, Robbie Savage, it's time to pick your third

and final storage unit. Which will it be?

I quite like this pink handbag, Hacker.

-Good choice, the hatbox it is.

-Quick fire.

Yes, Robbie, in this round, you have to answer as many questions

as you can in the short time to win the holiday. Let's go.

Name someone who plays football.

-Ronaldo.

-Correct. Complete the name of this famous football show -

-Football blank?

-Focus.

-Correct.

-Name a judge on Strictly.

-Craig Revel Horwood.

-Sorry, that name's already been taken. Knock, knock?

-Who's there?

Me, of course. Didn't you see my lips moving, cocker?

-Name a famous football cup?

-FA Cup.

Wrong, the Wigan mug, it is.

-What flavour are the half-time pies?

-Steak and kidney.

Ostrich and fennel. What flavour are the half-time oranges?

-Orange.

-Ostrich and fennel.

Which way to the toilets? I'm busting! Oh, that's it, time's up.

How did he do, Derek?

I've no idea, Hacker.

I was looking at this picture of a funny cat the whole time.

That means only one thing, Robbie, you've won the holiday.

Yes, a fortnight in outer space. What do you think of that, cocker?

-Space?!

-Oh, yes, you'll love it -

plenty of room, you can get your feet up.

Herman, get him out of here.

-Yes, Mr Hacker. Come on, then, Robbie.

-Oh, no!

Yes, you'll love it. Enjoy the holiday.

I hope you've got travel insurance.

Ahh, I love that bit.

That's all for today.

I'm off now to play a lovely round of badminton

with a disenchanted goat.

All that's left is for me to sing my slightly annoying song.

Join in, me old cocker! See ya!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme Costs just under £1

# Watch again next time Cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff

# It will be top drawer

# Robbie Savage was my guest

# He's the one with the silly hair

# We had banter, jokes and chat

# And I found out his name was really Chhh-ee-ow

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time On this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

It's just footy banter.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd