Khalil and Jason Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed in front of a selection of angry geese.

Right, standards have been slipping round here,

so from now, things are going to be a lot stricter.

-What's he on about?

-I've decided to start every meeting with a register.

Here goes... Hacker?

Yes, Mr McGee.

-Lolly?

-Yes, Mr McGee.

-Herman?

-What is it? Yes, Mr Mc...

-No whispering!

-I was just asking...

I don't want to hear any excuses. Get out! Go on, go away.

That's a bit harsh, isn't it? Eh?

I don't want any backchat off you either, Wilf. Now, go away. Go on!

-Who does he think he is?

-Where was I?

-You were doing the...

This is no time for your snide remarks, Hacker! Get out!

Oh, I'm livid!

Well, I must say, Lolly, I'm disappointed in all of them.

-Would you like a chewing gum?

-Yeah, why not?

Actually, there's no chewing in class! Now, get out!

Ho-ho!

WIND WHISTLES, BELL CHIMES

I didn't think this through.

Right that's it, Derek. Get out! Come on!

Get out!

Get off me! I won't!

# You've got to watch this

# You've got to watch this

# You've got to watch this

# My, my, my, my

# Programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, oh, my word

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show you can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time. #

Thank you.

# School's out for summer

# School's out for ever... #

Wahey! First day of school!

Huzzah!

But, Mr Hacker, school's out!

But I thought school was in.

No, it's very much out.

I suppose it doesn't matter anyway, cocker. None of us go to school!

Well, what am I doing here, then?

What ARE we like?! I dunno!

Herman, take that uniform away and feed it to the dogs.

-I will never, ever be needing that ever, ever again.

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-DOGS GROWL

-Nice doggy. Mind my fingers.

On with today's show. What's the theme of today's show again?

It's school.

Oh, bodges!

Never mind.

Larry, why don't you introduce today's school-themed guests?

Sure thing, Hacker.

These two guys have got loads of fans

and they're two people that make school cool.

It's...

Rob and Mick, the air-conditioning guys!

What the...?!

Who are Rob and Mick?

The guys that sort out the air conditioning

in all the local schools, aren't they?

They're the ones that make school COOL.

Hashtag - can't believe you didn't know that!

I think maybe there's been some sort of misunderstanding.

Hashtag - of course there has!

Sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that.

Just stay there, I'll go and ask Derek.

He'll sort it. Derek!

-Who's Derek?

-Hashtag - I don't know!

Derek! What are THEY doing here?

Khalil and Jason from the 4 O'Clock Club!

It's only one of the biggest programmes on CBBC!

Yeah, it's hashtag - fabulous!

Sorry, it's just so catchy.

Don't worry, Hacker. Everything you need to know is here.

Khalil Madovi plays cheeky schoolboy Josh Carter in the 4 O'Clock Club.

He's got it tough

because he has to live with teacher Mr Harris, AKA Jason Callender.

How embarrassing.

In the show, Josh is always getting sent to detention

for climbing lamp posts and stuff. Look at him.

Whilst Jason's character loves walking about with his trusty

tennis racket and teddy in a box.

It's a top-notch CBBC show, which is all you need to know

about Khalil and Jason.

Oooh, well, now we know!

I feel like a reet fool for forgetting.

A reet fool, I tells ye!

You didn't listen to any of it, did you?

Not a word! But don't worry, cocker.

I'll bumble through it with my usual mix of intelligence and elegance.

Tatty-bye!

It's that way.

Hashtag - I know!

And that's how I got mistaken for Jay Z that time.

-I can totally see that!

-I know, right?!

Herman!

Get out of my studio!

-Go away, go on.

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I'll see you.

-See you later, Herman.

-Don't be doing that...

I'm so sorry about him.

Do you know what? Honestly, I think Herman's actually

-one of the coolest guys I've ever met.

-Herman, cool?!

-Don't make me...

-HE GAGS

Cool? I can't believe it.

Oh! Let's just move on, shall we?

Now, Jason and Khalil, I'm sure we're going to have a splendid time

or, as the cool cats would say, it's going to be sick.

CAT VOMITS

Oh! See?

Whoa! Larry, tell us what's coming up.

This is the kind of detention you'll want to be in,

because coming up on today's show...

-Hacker gets cheeky with Mr Harris.

-What kind of teacher are you?

You are a low quality, fictional teacher.

Welcome to our new epic Western, Cockers' Creek,

where there is a new sheriff in town.

And who says cats and dogs don't get along?

All this and more on Hacker Time.

Looks good, doesn't it! It does look all right.

Now, my first question is for Mr Harris.

You can call me Jason.

I can't do that.

-You're a teacher!

-I'm not...

Now, Mr Harris, I've noticed the 4 O'Clock Club has never once

been on at four o'clock. Why would it be called that?

That's because that's what time detention starts. Four o'clock.

I find it entirely unacceptable, to be honest.

Then you've got The One Show on at seven. I'm sick of it.

How am I meant to keep track?

How am I meant to watch my favourite programmes?

Now, Khalil, you've done very well since being on the show.

-I've done all right.

-You recently won a BAFTA. What was it for?

-That was for best performer.

-You did very well.

-Yes.

-And I, for one, am proud of you, kid.

-Thank you very much, Hacker.

Jason, do you ever feel jealous that Khalil won a big award

and you haven't?

-No.

-He's lying.

-I'm just happy to work with a BAFTA-winning actor.

He's lying.

-Jason, you play a teacher on the 4 O'Clock Club, don't you?

-Mm-hm.

So I should probably admit something to you.

-I'm wearing non-uniform trainers. Does that bother you?

-No.

-It's your show, do what you want.

-Oh, right. Well...

-I haven't done my homework! Does bother you?

-Of course not.

What kind of teacher are you? You're no good.

You're a low quality, fictional teacher.

BELL RINGS

A-ha! That means it's break time from this interview.

Talk amongst yourselves, please.

-Lunchtime for me, cocker.

-Um...

-Do we just...?

Apple or chocolate?

What's that? Sweet? Is apple technically savoury?

Sweet or...? I'm not sure, cos apples are quite...

-BELL RINGS

-Break time's over!

-OK.

Back to school, everyone. Everyone back in!

Khalil, do you remember that time that I was on the 4 O'Clock Club

and moved in as Josh's new lodger?

Er...

Why is all my stuff in the living room?

Meet our new lodger.

You all right, cockers? I'm dead excited about moving in.

-We can make some new raps and that.

-What? No, no, he has to go.

-He's my teacher.

-Bit harsh, that.

I think you are confusing me with someone else. I'm just a little dog.

But it's clear I'm not wanted here.

-No, no. You've already moved your stuff into Josh's room.

-Correct.

Sorry, I didn't want to tell you because I knew you wouldn't like it.

You think?! My room!

-That was good, wasn't it? Did you like it?

-I loved it.

-Yeah.

-Mr Harris, your real name is Jason Callender.

-Yes.

Have you got a brother called John Diary?

HE LAUGHS

That's not even funny.

-It's kinda funny.

-That ain't funny.

-It's kinda funny.

-It's kinda funny.

-Ooh! Ooh, it was good!

I don't even know why he'd have a different surname.

It doesn't make any sense!

-This next question is for you, Khalil.

-Yes.

-You're quite good at rapping, aren't you?

-Well, I'm all right.

Well, it's my mum's birthday in ten seconds.

Can you wrap her a present as quick as you can?

-Where is it?

-It's a calendar.

Jason Callender. Get ye wrapping!

Go! Go!

Quick, quick, quick, quick!

It's nearly her birthday! It's getting closer!

-Hold it.

-Hold it?! I'm the present!

Affix some tape to correct the Sellotape.

KLAXON

Time's up! You've done rubbish there, Khalil. Terrible job, that.

Now, sit down, please. I've got to crack on with the show.

I just remembered - my mum actually wanted a colander.

A Jason Colander!

Hello, I'm Jason Colander!

The moment's passed! Now, get out of here.

-Ah!

-There you go!

What's coming up next, Larry?

It's time for some drama,

because it's time for Tales From The Mild West!

# Long ago on the Old Frontier There lived a man with floppy ears

# The sheriff of Cockers' Creek

# Where the mud was fine But the air was bleak

# Where some were good But some were best

# That's what you get when you live in the Mild, Mild West. #

Oooh! Oooh!

Oooh!

Ooh!

Ahhh!

Good people of this here town, I've called this meeting

because we are in crisis.

We've got through 40 sheriffs so far this year.

We all know what happened to the last one.

BELL CHIMES

Yep, he gave up his job to become a coffin maker.

It's a disgrace. We can't go on living in a lawless town.

Diddly-dee. We'll all be robbed.

They'll come in the night and steal our eyes.

CROWD MUTTERS, "BULLET" RICOCHETS

Please, please. Settle down, y'all.

Why don't YOU do something about it, Mrs Goldmine?

After all, you are the wealthiest woman in this town, ho-ho!

ALL: Yeah.

Well, I HAVE done something about it, Derek McGee.

I've only gone and hired the best sheriff in the Mild West.

How do you know he is, ho-ho?

Because it says so in this official document he sent me.

CLOPPING

Wait, that sounds like him now.

CROWD GASPS

-Sorry.

-CROWD GROANS

Wait, this IS him.

Y'all right, cockers?

VOICE ECHOES

Ahem! Please allow myself to introduce, um, myself.

-I am Sheriff T Dog.

-Oh, yeah?

What are you going to do about crime in this here town?

CROWD: Yeah!

You don't need to worry about no crime,

-because nothing gets past Sheriff T Dog.

-Excuse me, Sheriff T Dog.

May I get past you, please?

Certainly, I'm so sorry. Off you go.

Wait, stop right there.

You've dropped your solid gold candlestick.

-What a delightful thief. Now, where was I?

-Quit the small talk, Sheriff.

-What can you do that any other sheriff can't do?

-Well, I can, um...

I can do this.

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married long time ago

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married... #

WIND WHISTLES

Whoo-hoo!

"BULLET" RICOCHETS

I think we found the right man for the job.

Sheriff, welcome to Cockers' Creek.

Missy, I swear by the hairs on my mother's knuckles,

I will absolutely not let you down.

-Why, thank you, Sheriff.

-Mrs Goldmine?

-Yes?

What's a sheriff?

# That's what you get when you live in the Mild, Mild West. #

Oh, that was good, weren't it?

Anyway, on with the nonsense. You know rap music?

It must be hard thinking up words that rhyme with each other.

Let's see how good you are,

Khalil, can you think of a word that rhymes with "stop"?

Pop.

Jason, your turn, can you think of a word that rhymes with "jam"?

-Ham.

-Eh! Very good!

Ask me! Ask me! Ask me!

-OK, OK, OK...

-Ask me! Ask me! Ask me! Ask me!

OK, how about a word that rhymes with "cat".

Right, got it!

Let's see, let's see...

Don't help me, don't help me, I'll get one!

Gibbon!

No, not that. Kumquat! Mustard!

Laminate flooring!

What are we going to do? We could be here all day!

There's only one thing for it, Lolly.

I'm going to have to play the emergency film.

Sandwich bags!

Hoo-hoo! Hey-hey!

Hello, and thank you for choosing Derek Time!

Today's Derek Time is a massage special.

Cat decides to soften the tensions between felines and canines.

That's it, dog, we are friends.

Yes, you face front, we are friends, aren't we?

You like that, don't you, Mr Dog?

Hoo-hoo!

New type of head massage takes the pet world by storm.

Down a bit, down a bit. Oh, that really hurts, that.

Stop it! What are you doing? Wreaking havoc.

Next, to a new therapy centre

where even the animals are learning the art of massage.

Oh, now that's lovely.

If you could just go up a bit,

up a bit, bit further, go on.

Round to the belly, go on. Oh, that's lovely.

Enough relaxing for one day.

Now it's time for a truly great and memorable bit of Derek Time.

-I'm about to do some...

-Derek!

Not now, Mother, I'm doing my video! Hoo-hoo!

Quick, Lolly, the tape's finished!

OK, everyone, on air in three, two...

-..one day out plan.

-And you were like...

I've got it! Cat rhymes with cat!

Hacker, we kind of got bored of you trying to rhyme words.

Well, let's talk about something else then!

-You know in the 4 O'Clock Club, how you burst into song?

-Yeah.

It's a bit weird that, the way you're just having a conversation

and all of a sudden it turns into this massive song number

about your worries. That never ever happens!

# I've got an awkward bogie that I'd really love to pick

# I don't intend to eat it not even a little lick

# If I went in for the kill would you at home judge me?

# I'm told I shouldn't do it

# On national TV!

# My hobby is collecting owls I must confess to you

# Their great big eyes and tiny beaks, they make me go hoo-hoo!

# I've got the hots for Lolly but I don't know what to say

# What if

# She doesn't feel that way!

# Bogie! Oh awkward bogie!

# Why must you fill my little schnozz?

# I wonder if I could eject you

# With a shake of the head a big exhale

# Or even a vigorous nod?

# We are such a sorry troop we're better off elsewhere

# In a land where owl enthusiasts haven't got a care

# Where it's never hard to talk to girls you like a lot

# And where people love

# To watch you pick your snot! #

Sorry about that, I burst into spontaneous song!

But I'm over it now.

I'll tell you what I'm not over though - this massive bogie!

I don't care what you all think, I'm picking it!

Larry, cover me!

Stay right where you are, still to come on today's Hacker Time...

Who's misbehaving in class?

Who's the new kid at Flemsbury?

And what's the answer to this gripping question?

Would you do that at home?

All still to come on Hacker Time!

Did I ever tell you about the time me and Harry went to Bognor?

I didn't? Well...

All right, Derek, what are you doing here?

Lolly asked me to give you a note.

Lolly has written a note for me?

-Yeah, here it is.

-Oh!

It says "Dear Wilf...

"I don't know how to say this, but the truth is I love you,

"I've always loved you.

"I'd love to share a pasty some time.

"Yours lovingly, for real this time, Lolly."

She loves me!

What? Oh...

Sorry, that one was meant for Wilf that works in the canteen.

It's such a popular name!

This one's yours.

"Dear Wilf, I don't know how to say this but,

"the toilet's blocked again. Sort it out."

It's worse than ever in there. Good luck. Hoo-hoo!

Oh, well, at least she thought to write me a note!

I'll fire up the plunger.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time now for a school-themed sketch.

Let's start by taking the register.

-Khalil?

-Present.

-Hacker?

-Future!

Sorry I got a little ahead of myself then. Eh?

A little joke there. Future - ahead of myself!

That's a good one.

Moving on, has everyone brought their jotters?

Yep.

Jotter? Oh, no. There seems to have been a slight misunderstanding.

I thought you said otter.

That's embarrassing! What a fool!

It's fine actually, because that brings me on to my next point.

It's Bring Your Otter To School Day.

Well done, Hacker, for remembering yours!

We're going to start today with spelling.

Hacker, can you spell definitely?

Yes, I definitely can.

No, can you spell definitely?

Yes, I've just said I can.

No, spell it!

-All right then... I-T.

-So lame!

-I don't believe it, that's correct! Well done, Hacker.

-Thank you.

Khalil, disambiguity, can you can spell that?

Erm... D-I-S...

Nope, it's T-H-A-T, that!

I'm getting fed up of this, this is the most ridiculous school ever.

-You're the most ridiculous school ever!

-That doesn't even make sense!

Quiet please, I want you now to get on with your maths projects,

so heads down, it's silent working time.

HACKER HUMS

Who's humming?

-Khalil, is that you?

-No!

Are you sure?

I'm talking and the humming is still going on.

It can't be me.

Well, I already asked Hacker and he said it's not him!

It's definitely not me, Cocker.

Exactly, I'm watching you, Khalil.

Who did that?

I don't... It wasn't...

Who was that?!

Well, it wasn't me sir, I was too busy buffing my antique cannon.

Which only leaves you, Khalil!

It wasn't me! It was Hacker!

Not my Hacker!

What is he? The teacher's pet?

Well, actually, yes, he is.

I couldn't find a dog sitter.

Come on, Hacker, it's time for walkies!

Huzzah! Walkies! Count me in, cockers!

I hate this school.

I'm getting bored of all this 4 O'Clock Club related stuff,

the last thing I want right now

is anything more to do with the 4 O'Clock Club!

All right, love, I'll see what else is on.

As long as it's not the 4 O'Clock Club!

It's definitely not the 4 O'Clock Club,

I promise, Lolly, hoo-hoo!

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!

Hoo-hoo!

-Get your blancmange, put it on the side and watch it wobble.

-No!

-Oh, look, it's a dog...

-No!

Clean up your act!

Oh!

Afternoon, Nathan.

Josh! What are you dressed as?

What's it look like?

A butternut squash, of course! Weird.

But, Josh, you really should be wearing your uniform.

You see...

# When you turn up at the school you must observe some simple rules

# Like not to run in the corridor or make a mess on the toilet floor

# It's vital that you do conform and wear the Flemsbury uniform

# I can't believe you've done this, Josh

# And dressed for class like a butternut squash

# Shirt!

# Tie!

# Pully!

# I like the texture it's lovely and woolly

# Shorts!

# Cap!

# Blazer!

# I look as sharp as a laser Word. #

See, you look much better now.

What were you doing dressed as a butternut squash anyway?

Well, it is the school's annual Dress As A Vegetable Day.

KIDS LAUGH

Well, thank you Nathan,

you've gone and shown me up in front of the sweetcorn.

I'm livid!

BELL RINGS

And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,

the thrilling climax of today's show,

the stupendous, the amazing,

the magnificent quiz we like to call...

Welcome to my quiz, Khalil and Jason!

Inside each of those there furniture items lies a series

of fun challenges.

If you do well at them, you might just win a holiday.

Are you ready?

-Yep.

-Yep.

In that case, let's get on with it because I'm sure everyone at home

is waiting to know...

Right, Khalil and Jason, time to pick a storage unit.

What'll it be?

Right, I am thinking we should pick the hat box.

Good choice, the side cabinet,

the lovely little brown side cabinet there, wander over

and open it, open it with all your might, cockers.

Yes! Now, this challenge is entitled

What's The Mystery Meat?

It's dressed up like a well-known celebrity, but who is it?

The chair is a clue.

-Look closely.

-Oh, Will.i.am.

BUZZER No?

Almost right, it was actually Will.i.ham.

He's a popular meat-based celebrity that we all know and love.

Now, shut the storage unit, cocker.

Close it nice and firm. Belting.

Now, pick your second storage unit.

What will it be?

-We'll go for the wardrobe.

-You've picked the wardrobe, good choice.

Come on out, that bear!

BEAR ROARS

Say hello to that bear, guys.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hello, that bear.

This round is called, What's That Bear Dancing To?

He's going to perform a well-known dance,

and all you've got to do is guess what that bear's dancing to.

Take it away, that bear!

-I've got it.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think I know what it is.

That's enough, that bear. Stop it, that bear.

All right, guys, what do you think he was dancing to?

I'm going to go for Macarena.

Ah! It was actually Adele's Make You Feel My Love.

Sorry about that. Let's see it one more time. That bear, take it away!

Thank you very much, that bear.

Very nice. Now, get out! Get back in your wardrobe, go on!

Get back in your wardrobe, don't be frightened.

Jason, just go and shut him in, will you, please?

He's upset me in three ways which I'll discuss later.

Now it's time for you to open your final storage unit, cockers.

What's it going to be?

I'm thinking...

-HACKER COUGHS

-Hat box.

Hat box.

-What are you going to pick?

-I'm going to pick the suitcase.

Good choice. The hat box!

Wow. OK.

Quickfire!

Let's go!

Name a character in the 4 O'Clock Club.

-Josh!

-Perfect.

Name a style of music.

-Rap.

-Yes.

What time does school start?

-Nine.

-I don't know, I never go.

-Knock-knock.

-Who's there?

I don't know but I wish they'd stop rapping at that door!

Why is canteen food so bad?

-Because it's unhealthy.

-It isn't bad, I eat anything!

Do you call that acceptable behaviour?

Would you do that at home?

-Did you put any effort into this homework?

-Yes!

-Do you expect me to believe that?

-No!

That's it! Thank you very gladly.

How did he do, Derek?

They scored D minus!

But got an A in trampolining.

Yes, you're going on the holiday. You're off to the desert!

What do you think of that, then?

-I've got exams, I need to stay at home.

-I'd rather stay here.

Too bad, you're going! Herman...

-Go on!

-No!

Thanks for coming, Khalil and Jason, it's been a dream.

I'm off now, I've got another bogie to attend to and it's massive!

All that's left for me to do now is sing my little song.

Join in, you must know t'words!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer!

# Khalil and Jason joined me here

# We pretended to be at school

# I got all my homework wrong

# But in the end it was Khalil who looked a fool!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

I'm Jason Colander!