Matt Allwright Hacker Time

Hacker Time isn't filmed in front of a live studio audience.

So, it's been three days since we got our new office equipment.

Where did you get it again, Wilf?

Off me mate down the market, Dodgy-Gear Steve.

Ooh, doesn't he sound pleasant and trustworthy(?)

So, is this stuff any good?

Oh, it's terrible, Derek! The chairs are all faulty...

Aah! Ooh! Ow!

-See! And the stapler's faulty...

-PING!

GULP! Oh! Right in the windpipe!

-GLUG! GLUG! GLUG!

-Even the coffee's faulty. Eugh!

That's orange juice, ya fool!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Oh, yeah!

All right, all right, calm down, everyone, come on.

There's only one way to settle this and that's by writing

a strongly worded letter of complaint to Dodgy-Gear Steve.

Use that pen there - I got it from Dodgy-Gear Steve.

Ho-ho! Perfect. Doesn't look at all dodgy to me!

ALL: Oh, no!

Ho-ho! Oh. Ow. Oh...

# You got to watch this

# You got to watch this

# You got to watch this

# My, my, my My programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you'd normally see

# It feels good There's outtakes too

# Comedy guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much

# This is the show - huh - you can't touch

-# Stop!

-Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

OK, everyone, 30 seconds to on air...

Oh, Lolly, I'm so excited about today's grand opening.

What's so special about it?

Hacker's going to deliver a speech to the nation!

It's going to be so passionate and thought-provoking.

He's going to talk about life, love, politics... Ho-ho!

-I can't wait!

-You don't have to - here he comes now!

Ho-ho!

-MIC SCREECHES

-Ahem.

Ah-Ahem.

HE CLEARS THROAT

-Oh, no! Quick! Someone get him a glass of water!

-Anyone!

Ooh. Oh, sorry, this glass is faulty!

HACKER GROWLS AND GROANS

-In that case, someone get him a lozenge!

-I'll do it!

Ah-Ahem, ahem.

Here you go, Hacker!

Yeah.

OK, you can do your speech now, Hacker.

That WAS my speech. It was all about the art of coughing.

Oh, why do we bother?! Let's get on with the show!

Very well! Time to introduce my special guest on today's show,

and it's a good 'un, cockers. Larry, tell us who it is.

Well, Hacker, he travels on a motorbike

and he asks all the right questions. It's...

Barry the over-curious pizza boy!

Yeah... Ye... Oh, look at this.

Hold on a minute, you're not Barry!

No, I'm not. I'm Matt Allwright from BBC Watchdog and BBC Rogue Traders.

But I wanted Barry!

He's got a motorbike and he always asks great questions,

like, do I want extra anchovies on me deep-pan Hawaiian?

Hacker, I'm a consumer journalist. I find people that do things wrong,

then I ask them questions and then they run away.

And that's better than someone who delivers pizza, is it?

I think not, wandering in here

with your ill-fitting waterproof jacket on.

You make me retch, young man. Stay there.

-McGee, who...

-HACKER GIBBERS

Right. Right, who is this man? And what is a costumier journalist?

He's Matt Allwright and he's a CONSUMER journalist, Hacker.

Derek, you might as well just be saying "blah, blah, blah" right now.

Well, take a look at this, me little owl. It explains everything.

Matt Allwright is a journalist who fights for people's rights

when they've been cheated.

He appears on Watchdog and Rogue Traders,

where he dresses in disguise to catch out dodgy workmen.

Ooh, what a plunger!

In his spare time, Matt pays people to follow him round

so he looks more popular

and that's all you need to know about Matt Allwright.

So, there you have it. What do you think?

He'll have to do. Now, bid me my leave, good sir, for I must away.

-To the studio!

-Er, the studio's that way.

I am aware of this, McGee, and I don't appreciate you bringing it up.

So, like I say, me motorbike's me pride and joy, 1200cc.

Did you go for the ABS and the switchable map engines?

Ho-ho, of course not. I'm not an animal, Matt!

-I'm not an animal, cos...

-Well, no, you're not...

Ah-ha-ha! Ahem, I've got a bike.

Have you really?

No, I haven't.

-I'm sorry about him, Matt. Anyway, I'll see you later.

-See you later.

-Ooh! The handshake!

-Oh, yeah, knuckles.

-Knuckles.

-Slide, slide. Handlebars.

-BOTH:

-Brumm, brumm!

Oh, Herman! Take your stupid handshake and get out of here!

Oh, Matt, as I was saying earlier,

it is a real pleasure to have you on the show.

That's not what you said earlier.

Yeah, I know I didn't, I... Quick, Larry, quick!

Tell us what's coming up on the show!

You won't believe your eyes, your ears, or even your teeth

when you see what's coming up on today's Hacker Time.

Sheriff T Dog's in a generous mood.

Milky brews for everyone!

Matt makes a devastating discovery.

-You've never seen my programme?

-No, I...

And what's the best way to put your guest at ease?

This is!

Huh, all this and more on Hacker Time!

Oh, looks like a right treat for the senses, don't it, cockers?

-Yes.

-Thank you. But before all that, it's time for my serious interview.

-Ahem, are you ready, Matthew?

-Yeah, knock yourself out.

Question one. What is your full name?

-My full name is Matthew Allwright.

-And are you ALL RIGHT?

HACKER LAUGHS

-Ha, heh, ho, cos...it's...your name. Ha...

-Yes, I'm fine.

-I am all right.

-Good. You present Rogue Traders, don't you?

-I do.

-Do you remember that episode I was in?

I don't remember the one you were in.

Well, I was in one. You and your pesky cameras get everywhere.

Take a look at the evidence.

The cameras are rolling. Jamie and I are watching from next door.

Ah, I love being at home

and definitely not being watched while I'm getting undressed

after the annual ridiculous costume competition.

Now to get this thing off.

-It's a little bit...

-Not sure what he's doing.

'No idea whatsoever.'

(Maybe he doesn't either.)

This'll shift it. Yeah!

BOING! BOING! BOING!

I certainly wouldn't be sticking my screwdriver

through the front buttons.

WHACK! WHACK! Is hitting it a good thing to do?

Hitting it is not a good thing to do.

'Oh, hold on.'

He's breaking the law.

Oh! Me privets! Oh.

So, what d'you think of that, then?

It's factually inaccurate! It's not correct.

-It always was, Matt. Next question. Matthew...

-Yes.

Are you still ALL RIGHT? Ha! It's your name! Hah-hah-ha!

Ahem, right. Now, you appear on a show called Watchdog, don't you?

-Yes, I do.

-But let's see how good you are at watching a dog. GO!

KLAXON HOOTS He broke me!

Ha-ha! You are rubbish at watching a dog.

Now, in your time

-you've met some pretty dodgy characters, haven't you?

-Yes.

But what's the most dangerous situation you've ever been in?

-I've had a leaf blower swung at my head.

-Oh!

On one occasion I was jet-washed.

Good answer, but that's not the most dangerous situation

you've ever been in. This is!

Peer above your bonceage. It's a mighty weight.

Ha-ha-ha! You're in terrible danger. But...are you ALL RIGHT?

-HACKER LAUGHS

-ALLWRIGHT. It's your name! Ha-ha!

Anyway, Matthew, have you got any tips to stop me

getting ripped off by dodgy characters?

-Well, cold calling - do you know what that is?

-Yeah.

-People call you out of the blue offering you things.

-Yeah.

-Never accept it.

-I shall bear that in mind.

There's NO WAY that I'm going to fall for any cons now.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, me phone's ringing, hold on.

-Hello?

-'Mr T Dog,'

I am pleased to tell you that your name has been

picked at random to receive a cash prize in our lucky draw!

-Oh! How much have I won?

-A grand total of five pence.

Hurrah! I've won!

Now, to receive your prize all you have to do is

send us a cheque for exactly £16 billion!

Well, I can't see any problem with that, cocker. I thank you. Ha-ha.

I've got to get this cheque into the post.

Matthew, could you write the envelope out for me?

-You...

-For I, as you know, am lacking in the thumb department.

Has anyone got a pen?

Oh, oh, oh. Here you go, son! I got it off Dodgy-Gear Steve!

Oh, yeah, Dodgy-Gear Steve.

I bought some trainers off him - they're very good.

Oh, hang on a minute. Wait, that pen's going to expl...

Ha, ha. That's weird, innit?

I thought there was going to be some sort of terrible disaster.

Oh!

-Ooh. Are you all right?

-No.

Ah. Larry, get us out of this, will you?

Hold your horses, cos it's time for Tales From The Mild West.

And today an unwelcome visitor comes to Cockers' Creek.

# Long ago on the old frontier there lived a man with floppy ears

# The Sheriff of Cockers' Creek

# Where the mud was fine but the air was bleak

# Where some were good but some were pests

# As watching it when you live... in the Mild, Mild, West. #

Yee-hah!

Ladies and gentle folk, let's hear it for Sheriff T Dog,

the best rootin'-tootin' lawman in the Mild, Mild West.

ALL CHEER

Milky brews for everyone.

ALL CHEER

Thank goodness - it's the only drink we sell!

Oh, Sheriff, since you arrived everybody's been so happy.

I sure do hope a mysterious stranger doesn't stroll into town

and ruin it all.

-MAN QUIVERS

-Baa!

..and by the time the nurse arrived, the carpet was ruined!

ALL LAUGH

DOORS SQUEAK

-Aah!

-GLASS SMASHES

You there... Get me a milky...

THEY PANT WITH RELIEF

..coffee.

Sheriff, do something.

OK.

-Oh, fiddle-de-dee! Oh...

-CRASH!

Say...I ain't seen you in this town before.

Well, I ain't been in this town before.

-Ooh, that'll be why then. See ya!

-Sheriff!

Ahem.

-What's your name, boy?

-They call me Eddie Two Knees.

-And why's that?

-Cos I got two knees.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Why don't you count 'em, cowboy?

One...

two, three.

Oh, I knew it! This man is a liar!

He's a liar, he lies!

He deceives, he tells...

Fellas, fellas! I'm afraid you're going to have to take this outside.

OK, boys, you know the drill. Five paces - turn -

and whoever's quickest on the draw is the winner.

Here we go.

Finished! Ha-ha!

It's a gibbon in a trilby, watering some mighty-fine daisies.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Beat that, Two Knees!

GLASS SMASHES

-ALL:

-Oh!

Oh!

Well, the Sheriff was the fastest but, Eddie Two Knees,

I've never seen a more beautiful picture in all my days.

I have to declare that this draw is...

-a draw.

-CROWD GASPS

Looks like I ain't going nowhere, Sheriff.

Well, in that case...

..could I have that picture, please? It'll look lovely in me kitchenette.

# In the Mild, Mild West. #

Yee-hah.

What a treat that was!

But now it's time to ask the question on everyone's lips.

-Matthew Horatio Allwright...

-Yes.

Are you still...ALL RIGHT?

-But are you?

-Yes.

-But are you?

-Yes.

-But are you?

-Yes.

-But are you?

-Yes.

-But are you?

-Oh, no! What's happening in there?

It's Hacker's brain - it must have fallen out of his ear again.

We'd better keep the viewers amused.

-Lolly, I'm going to play the emergency film!

-Yes! I'm all...

Hoo-hoo! Eh?

Hello, me little owls!

I've recorded this Derek Time box special just for you.

First up, cat gets protective over its new printer.

That's strange. I thought there was meant to be a cat in this video.

Oh, there is! Mind the cartridges!

Cat packs final belongings for move to America.

I think you've forgotten something apart from your cat trunks -

yourself! Get in the box. Go on.

Let's see that again from a slightly different angle. There it is.

And one more time. Hoo-hoo!

And our final box special clip,

which definitely won't include a cat, is....

Oh, it does feature a cat.

You're never going to fit in there, me little owl! He's still trying.

Never going to happen, though. Never going to happen.

Oh, he's done it. That should have been a cat special.

Anyway, moving on, time for the main and most exciting part of the show.

It's completely unique, it's...

Derek, love! Your tea's ready!

Not now, Mother, I'm doing me videos!

Oh, well. Ta-ra for now, me owls. Hoo-hoo!

Matt's found Hacker's brain!

OK, everyone, on air in three, two, one...

HOLLOW RATTLE

-Ah, that's better.

-Yeah?

Huzzah! Now, Matthew, you're a hero of sorts, aren't you?

I wouldn't go that far.

You're brave, debonair, sophisticated.

You're a bit like a low-budget James Bond, don't you think?

Well, if you're going to insist upon it, yes.

Well, I think you should have a James Bond-style theme tune.

Strike up the band, cocker!

"GOLDFINGER"-STYLE MUSIC

# He's the man with curly hair

# He wears a leather jerkin... #

It's a type of coat!

# He sits atop a motorbike

# And finds where naughty men and women are lurkin'... #

He's very good, you know!

# Allwright is his name

# Fighting consumer injustice his game

# When someone's in the frame... #

For conning people out of cash!

# He knows who to blame

# So rip-off merchants everywhere... #

Ow, me back!

# You'd better all beware... #

But the funny thing is...

# I don't really care

# Because I've never watched the programme

# Called Rogue Traders. #

What did you think of that?

You've never seen my programme?

No-ahhh.

BELL TOLLS

Oh, look, look! There's some consumer injustice over there!

WHOOSH!

Larry, get us out of this, quick!

Sure thing. We've got a lot in store - ALLWRIGHT.

Stop that!

Because still to come on Hacker Time...

We've got rude words...

-Waiter.

-Knickers!

..more rude words...

What, you smell of wee?

..and a potato dressed as a middle-aged woman.

Red hair, winking...

Still to come on Hacker Time.

It's time now for something very exciting.

I shall conduct an hour-long lecture all about laminate flooring.

Ahem! First of all...

-He's a nice bloke, that Matt Allwright, ain't he, Lolly?

-Yeah.

You know, it makes me think. I wish I could find that perfect man.

Really?!

Yeah. I'd really like to find someone who drives a van...

Yeah?!

-Someone who likes DIY...

-Yeah?!

Someone with a downturned mouth that opens outwards...

Yeah...

-And when I find him...

-Yeah?

I'll tell him I can't stand any of those qualities.

Can he recommend someone for me?

See ya!

One day, Wilfred. One day, you'll get your chance.

HE SNIFFLES I'll fire up the van.

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents

the following bistro sketch!

This is the worst bistro ever!

She's right.

I just hope an undercover reporter doesn't find out

and tell the whole world!

BELL RINGS

My name is Pat Pallwright.

-Pat Pallwright?

-And I'm definitely not an undercover reporter.

This is Matt Allwright.

If he finds out how disgusting this restaurant is,

he'll close me down for sure!

Please, take a seat!

-Now, what would you like?

-I'd like the rump steak, please.

An excellent choice, madam. And how would you like it cooked?

Well done.

Oh, thank you very much. But how would you like it cooked?

-Well done.

-Cheers, cocker, that's nice of you,

but you still haven't told me how you want it cooked.

-Just surprise me.

-Very well.

-Boo!

-Argh!

Ha-ha! Now, how do you want it cooked?

Do you know? Forget it. I'm going to have the soup.

Oh, sorry, Pat. We're all out of soup.

I've seen this kind of restaurant before.

I bet there's a rancid old chef out the back undercooking all the food!

How dare you?!

He's not out the back, he's just over there.

Mr Hacker! Mr Hacker!

Yes, chef, what is it?

There's a problem! I've dropped a snotty tissue into one of the flans

but I don't know which one!

Oh, no! He'll have me closed down for this!

OK, no need to panic. Look, we've got ten flans here.

-What are the chances he'll order the one with the tissue in it?

-Ha-ha!

Waiter!

I'd like ten flans, please!

Oh...

knickers!

Waiter!

Yes, sir?

About those flans... GULP!

-Yes, sir?

-I didn't like them.

I loved them!

Especially the third one with the snotty tissue in it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I thought you were going to have me closed down.

No! But I am going to write you a glowing review.

I assumed this sketch would end with something going disastrously wrong.

Now, has anybody got a pen?

-Here you go, Pat.

-Thank you.

ALARM RINGS

Does this mean you're going to close us down?

No. That's the best exploding pen I've ever used.

I must write a review about that!

-Here you go, son.

-Thanks!

That was the fourth exploding pen gag this episode.

They're not even trying any more.

-Shall we see what else is on?

-Yeah.

-The first thing you must know about dust is, it's made of dust.

-No.

-Dust.

-He's singing.

-No.

# I want to break free... #

Oh, this is good!

OK, Josh, as this banner clearly states...

What, you smell of wee?

Not that banner!

This banner.

It is the most hotly anticipated event of the school year -

the PTA Cheese Eating Night - and the Lord Mayor is coming!

What's that got to do with me?

Well, you, sir, have the most important job of the evening,

looking after the school cheese board.

But you know how notoriously flaky and slow-witted I am.

You can't trust me with that sort of responsibility.

# Responsibility

# Is the key

# You're getting to be a big boy now

# Got to be grown-up and I'll show you how

# Here's your chance Don't mess it up, please

# Cos I'm giving you the school's own cheese

# I'm giving you, I'm giving you, I'm giving you

# Responsibility!

# I'll keep my cool like a piece of feta

# Stay solid as a farmhouse Cheddar

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, to impress me

# Don't spread yourself thin like a sliver of Brie

# Keep on top of things like mozzarella

# Don't worry, cocker, I'm your fella

# Cos I'm showing you, I'm showing you, I'm showing you

# Responsibility! #

-Cheese break!

-Ho!

Here we go!

-# Stilton!

-That's the one, here we go

-# Red Leicester!

-Yeah, love that stuff

# Monterey Jack! #

Josh, what have you done with the cheeses?

I've eaten 'em all, cocker.

Camembert!

NATHAN SOBS

Halloumi!

Gouda!

Why are you crying?

And now the magnificent quiz we like to call...

Matthew Always-Correct,

inside each of these storage units lies a fun challenge.

If you do well at the challenge, you might just win yourself a holiday.

-Are you ready for that, cocker?

-I can always handle a holiday.

In that case, let's crack on

because I'm sure everyone at home is keen to find out...

Please pick your first storage unit.

I'm going to go for the handbag.

Good choice, the side cabinet it is.

Lean over to said side cabinet and fling it open.

Inside you'll see an item. Lift it out.

This game is entitled Who Is That Potato?

We've dressed up a potato like a famous celebrity

but you must guess, who is that potato?

Red hair, winking, glasses,

black dress.

Is it Johnny Rotten?

I'm sorry, Matthew. You are incorrect.

-It's actually Anne Robinson.

-Oh!

-Who is your co-star from Watchdog.

All right, sling Anne back in the cupboard and shut the door.

Just sling her in, cocker. There she goes.

Reet, me old cockers, time to pick your second storage unit.

-The cake tin.

-The wardrobe it is!

Come on out, Accordion George!

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George

# Acky G! #

Yes, Accordion George will play you a lovely, lovely tune

on his accordion and you have to guess what he's playing.

-Is that easy to understand?

-I can just about get that.

Crack on, Accordion George!

Right, Matthew Allwright, what was it?

Is it Get Lucky by Daft Punk?

It very much was not, my dear.

Let's find out what it was.

MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce

Ha-ha! It was Beyonce and All The Single Ladies.

You let me reet down there.

Thank you, George.

All right, George, don't milk it. Shut the doors, please.

Go on, get the doors shut. Go on.

All right, Matthew, it's now time to pick your final storage unit.

What will it be?

I'm going to go for the watering can.

Good choice. The hatbox it is!

Quickfire!

Let's go! Ahem.

If you get all these questions correct, your name would be Matt...

-All right!

-Correct!

What have The One Show, Four O'Clock Club and News At Ten got in common?

They all have numbers in the title.

They all have words in the title.

What have The One Show, Four O'Clock Club and News At Ten got in common?

They all have words in the...?

They were all mentioned in the last question.

What show do you get if you cross watch with a dog?

Is it Watchdog?

Timepiece Canine.

-Laminate flooring. Discuss.

-What?

-Which way?

-Uh...

-Who did it? Do you want fries with that?

Hidden cameras! Surveillance? Get off the van!

KLAXON SOUNDS

Well done! Time's up! Derek, how did he do?

He scored four billion and seventy-six, Hacker!

I don't know how that happened!

But it doesn't matter, cockers, for you have won the holiday.

Yes, a weekend in...

a stone quarry! What do you think of that, Matthew Allwright?

I don't want to go to a stone quarry.

Tough. It doesn't matter what you think, cockers.

I have little to no interest in your welfare. Herman, take him away.

Yes, Mr Hacker. Come on, then.

-No, I don't want to go!

-Yes you do. Get him to the stone quarry.

This is not all right!

Ha! Yeah...

Cheers for watching, cockers!

I'm off now to sculpt a full-scale model of Portsmouth

out of extra-lean mince.

All that's left is for me to sing my trademark song.

Join in, cockers. Or else!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# I was joined by Matt Allwright, who sat here patiently

# Till he got hit by a giant weight

# And was scarred for life by some exploding stationery!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Oh! That's the worst television programme I've ever seen!