Fran Scott Hacker Time

'Hacker Time is filmed in front of an audience of unwilling volunteers.'

So, has anyone got any ideas for today's show?

I could reverse a van?

And I could say, "Yes, Mr Hacker."

I could go "Yaaaaa!"

Yes, that's all in, of course it is. What else could we do?

Oh, we could do a big song and dance number.

Maybe we could do a big song and dance number. What else?

The song could have a lemon in it...

I know, the song could have a lemon in it! Yes.

Anything else?

Oh, I don't know, maybe you could copy some more of my ideas.

I know! We could all copy Lolly's ideas!

Copy 'em, yeah, good idea!

Or maybe we could all attack Derek with a wet fish!

I know! Everyone could attack Derek with a wet fish! Yes!

Uh-oh. Oh, no!

Oh, they're moist! Mind me glasses!

Hoo-hoo! Run the titles! Hoo-hoo!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

THUNDER CRASHES

Finally my creation is complete!

Hacker, stop messing about creating life, will you?

We've got a show to do.

Oh... Oh, hoo-hoo...

Yes that's right, I've created a clone of meself.

He'll be performing all of my duties from now on. Ha-ha!

I've named him...

THUNDER CRASHES

Evil Hacker!

I'm sure only good will come of this!

Hate...Hacker!

Get back! Get back!

Oh, no, stop it!

Oh, no! Stop it, no!

EVIL HACKER GROWLS

Oh, no! Stop it, yes.

Oh, no. Stop... No.

This is a disaster! What if he eats Hacker?!

Their stupidity will get the better of them before long.

Oh!

See?

Where did Evil Hacker go?

Maybe he let himself out.

I'm sure he won't be bothering us any more.

It would appear that creating a human from scratch

isn't as simple as you'd think, cockers.

It's a good job today's guest is a science expert.

Send 'em in, Larry...

Sure thing, Hacker.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls,

today's special guest is a genius when it comes

to scientific breakthroughs.

It's...

Bob the Job!

Oh, here we go.

-Hi, Hacker!

-Who on earth are you?!

Fran Scott. Derek called me and said you needed

someone to come and talk about science.

I thought we were getting my mate Bob the Job in!

He's quite the inventor, you know.

He'll come round your house and put a bit of paper under your table leg

when it's a tad wobbly.

I bet you can't do that!

Yeah, I can, Hacker.

-You can?

-Yeah.

-Right, you just stay there, cocker.

There's obviously been some sort of terrible mix-up.

Oh. And if you see an evil version of me milling about,

whatever you do, don't feed it!

THUNDER CRASHES

Derek!

Derek! There's a lady in the studio and I have no idea who she is.

It's Fran Scott!

Yeah, people keep saying those words,

but I don't know what they mean, cocker.

-You're making me look like a right fool here, McGee!

-You are a fool!

Would a fool create an evil clone of himself?

Yes.

-Good point.

-Just watch this.

Fran Scott is a science expert who uses her knowledge

to explain things in a fun and in informative way.

Most recently, she helped Dick and Dom

learn a thing or two in Absolute Genius.

She must be good. Look, they're actually listening for once.

Hoo-hoo! Although what she's trying to teach them here I'll never know.

She also does the science bits on How To Be Epic At Everything.

And that's all you need to know about Fran Scott.

How does she know so much about science?

Go out there and find out.

Do you know what? I'm going to go out there and find out! Oh, yes!

It's that way, as per usual.

'..my genius invention.'

It's a Tea-A-Tron 7,000.

Yeah, it brews tea whilst firing your homework to the moon,

so you don't have to do it!

I love it! This is genius!

-Herman?

-Yeah?

-Get out of here, will you?

Stop trying to get out of your tea and homework duties. Go on, get off!

-Get out of my sight!

-Bye, Herman.

-Bye.

Oh, Frank. I'm sorry about earlier.

That's OK.

But I'm sure we're going to have a great time together.

Two genii together!

It's geniuses, Hacker.

Yeah, whatever, Fran.

Larry, tell us what's happening on today's show.

You could say that this show is the mother of all invention,

because coming up on today's Hacker Time...

'Fran reveals her favourite experiment...'

I once blew up a toilet.

'..Hacker pulls a face...'

'..and Sheriff T Dog ends up behind bars.

'All this and more on Hacker Time.'

Looks good, that, don't it, Fran? I might watch that show.

Now, Fran, Absolute Genius is all about really,

really clever people, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-And you're an there being really, really clever, showing us

really, really clever stuff. But what I want to know is...

Why has it got two total idiots like Dick and Dom presenting it?

FRAN LAUGHS

They're not actually idiots.

They're really clever, but they're just

very clever at playing idiots.

Well, I do know them and I know that's a falsity.

What I like in the show is when you make things explode, like this.

That's it, that's it. Three...

DOM SCREAMS ..two, one...

-EXPLOSION

-Aaargh!

THEY LAUGH

# Boom, shake, shake, shake the room

# Tick, tick, tick, tick, boom! #

I've always said that aren't enough programmes on TV

with exploding presenters.

Seriously, though, don't try that at home.

Actually, I've got a methane-based demonstration of my own.

-Oh, dear.

-Get them on your mush!

Is he about to do what I think he is?

No, no.

-Here we go.

-Oh, no.

PFFFT PFFFT

FRAN LAUGHS

PFFFT PFFFT

Ahhh.

Just as I thought.

Another excuse for a trump joke.

'What do you think of that, Fran?'

That was... That was brilliant.

-Brilliant science. Lovely.

-It was top-notch science.

Now, in Absolute Genius, right,

you did an episode all about Isaac Newton.

-Yeah, we did.

-The man who invented gravity.

Well, he found gravity. He discovered it.

He didn't invent it. But go on.

Yeah, yeah, all right, cocker.

What I really want to know is this...

..what colour were his undercrackers?

FRAN LAUGHS

-Rainbow coloured.

-How interesting.

Now, you also did an episode about Archimedes,

the famous mathematician and engineer, didn't you?

But what I really want to know is...

Hang on, hang on. What colour were his underpants?

No, of course not. Why would I want to know that, love?

I want to know whether his greatest invention,

the Archimedes screw, is still relevant in the modern day?

-Yeah, yeah. I'd say it is, yes.

-Brilliant!

All right, don't harp on, love. Next question.

You're not the only one that's been on a science show, you know?

-I was in one once.

-Were you?

Oh, yes. BBC One's Bang Goes the Theory.

It didn't go too well!

Here we go. Just settle down in my lovely straw holiday home.

Nice milky brew and nothing whatsoever to bother me.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Three, two, one.

BANG

EXPLOSION

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, no!

'Call me hopeful, but there

'was definitely something there.'

Yeah! It was me having a nicer brew.

Honestly, what are you playing at?

Oh! Oh!

-Oh, what do you think of that, then, Fran?

-That was brilliant.

I've seen that before, though, right,

and I don't remember you being in it as much as that, or at all.

I was pulling bits of straw out of me soft furnishings for days, love.

And that's not all. There was this time I thought up

my best invention yet.

I've invented this. A new calculator!

Oh, look, look. I'm sorry.

The numbers, they just don't add up. I'm out.

So, if you do need any more genii for the next series, I am available!

Yeah, it's still geniuses, though.

Fran, I'm just a showbiz dog.

I can't be expected to know all about science

AND be good with words.

Now, all this chat has exhausted me.

Larry, what's up next?

It's time to mosey on down to Cockers' Creek for another

instalment of Tales from the Mild West.

And today, someone's causing trouble for Sheriff T Dog.

HORSE WHINNIES

# Long ago on the old frontier

# There lived a man with floppy ears

# The sheriff of Cockers' Creek

# Where the mud was fine but the air was bleak

# Where some were good but some were pests

# That's what you get when you live

# In the mild, mild West

# Yee-haw! #

Sheriff, Sheriff!

Somebody call the sheriff!

Look no further, Mrs Gold mine!

I shall call him for you! A-hem.

-Sheriff!

-But you are the sheriff, Sheriff!

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Oh, yeah!

What can I do for you?

You have to do is stop that villainous cowboy Eddie Two-Knees.

-He's out of control!

-Oh?

What's he'd done gone done now?

Well, for a start, he's been tampering with Whiffy Bob's beans.

Oh! What did he put in 'em?

More beans.

PFFT

THEY SCREAM

Save us! Somebody save us! Oh!

That's why they call him Whiffy Bob!

What else has this Eddie Two-Knees done gone been gone and done?

Well, I hate to say it, but he was caught spitting in the hotel.

SHERIFF GASPS

HE SPITS

SPIT PINGS

Hoo-hoo! For a minute there, I thought it was going to hit me...

Oh!

Well, it was only Derek.

-It's not like Eddie's committing any major crimes.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, guess what?

He's only gone and defaced your office sign!

SHERIFF GASPS

How did he know my real name?!

So, now are you going to do something about it?

Well, I would, but I'll never catch him red-handed!

His hands are clearly blue!

I'll do it myself!

Come here, you! With your blue-handed nonsense!

Oh! Doesn't he have lovely handwriting?

I can't believe I've been in here for 25...

minutes! Why are you making me wear this comedy beard?

Get over it, Two-Knees!

Cos you're staying in there for ever!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

-Sheriff?

-Yeah?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Why don't you open the door and find out?

All right then, I will...

Wait a minute. You won't fool me that easily!

-Sheriff?

-Yeah?

It's getting awful hot in here.

Could you open the door and let some air in?

Why, certainly!

Oh, no, you don't!

Listen here, Two-Knees!

Whatever you say or do, I am not opening that door!

HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS

Free chips! Wey-hey!

I must open the door!

Wait!

Hold it right there.

Er... Yeah?

Are you not going to have a chip, Eddie?

No, thanks, Sheriff.

I'm cutting down on carbs at the moment.

All right, then.

Well, lock the door on your way out, will you?

-It's awfully draughty through these bars.

-Certainly.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I can't believe I've fallen for this.

These free chips are invisible.

How could this day get any worse?

PFFFT

Hey, fancy some beans, son?

PFFFT

# That's what you get when you live

# In the mild, mild West

# Yee-haw! #

Hey, I made that meself, cocker!

-I suppose you could say that I invented that.

-You could say that.

Now, have you ever done an experiment

that you've lived to regret?

Erm... I...

-I once blew up a toilet.

-Exciting!

-That didn't go really quite to plan.

I once blocked up a toilet. Oh, yes, madam, yes.

-Well, once, I invented an evil version of myself, you know?

-Right.

It was earlier today, actually.

I never did find out what happened to Evil Hacker.

GROWLING

THUNDER CRASHES

Oh, no! Evil Hacker!

He's so evil! Get off me!

No, no!

Oh, Derek, it's a disaster! Do something!

I'll put the emergency tape on.

We can't let people see this.

BUTTON BUZZES

Hoo-hoo! Hey?

Derek McGee here with another episode of Derek Time.

And today's show is a home appliance special. Hoo-hoo!

First, my mate Rancid Bill has found a great new way

of getting rid of his dog breath.

Yes, go on!

Blow that smelly, wheaty breath away.

Look, he's loving it.

Evil cat tries out new mode of transport.

Hoo-hoo! Oh, look at that villainous cat go.

What an evil feline!

Who do you think you're looking at,

Mr Dog? Take that! Hoo-hoo!

And, finally, chameleon finds out about his excessive phone bill.

Watch his face.

'Aaaaargh!'

But now, forget about all that,

cos you're going to be amazed at what I show you next.

Hoo-hoo! Oh, yes, it's time for this.

Derek! Have you been using this mobile phone?

There's £88 spent here calling somebody called Lolly!

Who is this Lolly?!

Oh, no-one, Mother! No-one!

She's just... See you soon, my little owls!

Oh, the tape's finished, Lolly.

OK, everyone. On air in three, two, one...

Right, I'm sure that's the last we'll be seeing of Evil Hacker.

I'm sorry about him, Fran.

During all that hullabaloo, I was thinking,

do you know in Absolute Genius you look at famous inventions and that?

-Yeah?

-Well, they're all a bit pointless, aren't they?

They're not, they're not.

Cos every machine that we've got has been invented at some point.

Well, you say that, but...

Hoo-yeah!

Ha!

# Someone invented the wheel

# Some folk know how to make steel

# My bedroom light

# Keeps me safe at night

# But really, what's the big deal?

# I don't care for inventions

# The best one yet is me

# Can the motor car engine

# Do this with its face?

# The internet is all right

# Some brothers pioneered flight

# The telephone bores my bones

# Do we even need light?

# I'm so adorably cute

# Try telling that to the wheel

# The best invention so far

# It has to be me! # Yeah!

GROWLING

THUNDER CRASHES

Not you! Get out!

Come on! Get out!

What do you think, Fran?

Well, it was a bit self-centred, to be honest. And apart from...

Think about it, if it wasn't for the wheel, in a roundabout way,

there wouldn't be television and you would have this show.

-No show?

-No show.

I love the wheel, baby!

Tell us what's coming up, Larry.

Stick around, folks, because still to come on today's Hacker Time...

'We've got explosions...'

EXPLOSION

'..detentions...'

Detention?

'..and, of course, we've got Accordion George.'

Hi, George!

All still to come on Hacker Time!

Now, to tell you all about the time I met a very interesting swan.

'One morning, I was walking down by the river, right,

'and this swan wandered up to me and said,

-'"Hi, are you Hacker T Dog..."'

-Oh, here she comes!

Don't mess up, Wilf. Don't mess it up, son!

Wilf, are you free this evening?

-Yes, of course I am, yeah!

-Oh, good.

I've taken the liberty of booking a table for dinner...

-ECHO:

-'Table for dinner, table for dinner... '

Oh, Lolly!

-Is 7pm OK for you?

-Oh, yes, anything!

This is the best moment of my life!

Why? Haven't you ever given anyone a lift before?

P-P-Pardon?

Well, I'm asking you if you'll give me

and my date a lift to the restaurant.

Oh, you should see him.

He's so dreamy!

Oh, here he is now.

THUNDER CRASHES

See? Oh!

I'll fire up the van.

-Oh, there you are, Fran!

-Hello.

I see you found my secret laboratory.

-Of course.

-I see you've brought some of your science stuff down here too.

Can you show me some of the science?

Of course I can show you some science!

-But I found these.

-Oh, my mum's roses.

-Mind if I use them?

-She loves a couple of red roses.

-Does she?

-Yeah.

-Can I use them?

As long as you don't damage them, 'course you can use them.

Yeah, I won't damage them. Yeah. Much.

But you might want to stand back a little bit for the science.

-All the way over there?

-Yeah, yeah.

-By Eric the skeleton?

-Yeah, by Eric.

All right. Ah, Eric!

I'll stand by you, I don't know what will happen now.

Well, what I've got here is... I think you'll quite like this stuff.

This is liquid nitrogen. Wooo!

Oh, it's good, ain't it?

It is and it's minus 196 degrees Celsius.

-Oh, that's chilly, isn't it?

-That is chilly!

So, it's so cold that you can freeze things in seconds.

It's going to freeze the roses.

-Freeze them? What do you mean?

-Freeze them. Well...

-Let's have a look.

-As long as you don't smash them

-on the desk, I'm happy.

-Of course I won't. What, like this?

No! Madam! My mother will be furious!

-I've got an experiment that will put you on cloud nine.

-Oh, what is it?

Well, go and stand back again. It's a bit dangerous.

-By Eric?

-Yeah, by Eric.

Right, well, here I've got a bowl of boiling water.

So, this liquid nitrogen will cool down the gassy water.

Oh, wow! It's a cloud!

Hey! I'll come and have a look at that.

It's exactly like the clouds up in the sky, as well.

-But lower!

-But lower, yeah, you're right.

-Have you got any more experiments you can show me?

-I have.

I've got something that's a little bit louder

and a little bit more dangerous than this.

Oh, lovely. I'll get myself to a safer distance.

I don't want to get hit on

the head by any rogue debris!

No, you don't. SHE LAUGHS

-Ready!

-Good, OK.

Just going to pour this

liquid nitrogen into the bottle.

I much prefer it here behind the safety of me old desk.

Put the lid on nice and tight.

I'm going to pop it in here.

You all right there, Hacker? You following, yeah?

-I'm going to pop these balls on top.

-Yeah!

'Get to a safe distance.'

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

EXPLOSION

Oh!

Wow! That was amazing!

-Did you like it?

-Yeah, I loved it.

-And I didn't get hit by any rogue debris!

-That's true!

Oh!

Debris!

That was amazing, weren't it, Lolly?

Oh, it was all right.

What are you talking about, Lolly? She's amazing!

Oh, can we see what else is on?

No, we absolutely cannot!

'Next I'm show you three ways to dice a courgette salad.'

Yuck. No.

Oh, maybe.

Moist towelette...

Moist towelette?

Oh, yes.

Right, Josh. Sit down for your detention.

Detention? Can't wait!

What do you mean, "Can't wait"?

It's detention!

I know! I love all the joyous

and definitely not boring things we do in detention!

# D is for detention rules

# E is for enjoy yourself

# T is for take photos with your mates

# E is for eat sweets and cakes

# N is for not going home on time

# T is for transcribe this rhyme

# I - I sculpted O - origami

# N's for noise Make lots of noise then

# D-E-T-E-N

# T-I-O-N

# Detention is my best friend

# I don't see it as a punishment

# D-E-T-E-N

# T-I-O-N

# Detention is the place to be

# Nathan, don't you agree? #

No, Josh! And none of those things happen in detention either!

Oh, no?

# D-E-T-E-N

# T-I-O-N

# Detention is my best friend

# I don't see it as a punishment

# D-E-T-E-N

# T-I-O-N

# Detention is the place to be

# Nathan, don't you agree? #

No!

BELL RINGS

And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for,

the thrilling climax of today's show, the stupendous,

the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...

CHOIR SINGS

Yes, welcome to my quiz, Fran.

Inside each of these storage units lies a fun challenge.

If you do well, you might just win yourself a holiday.

What do you think about that, cocker?

I could quite do with a holiday.

Yeah, you look a little bit withered.

In that case, let's crack on,

because everyone at home is dying to find out...

CHOIR SINGS

Come on. We've not got all day, cocker.

I'm going to go for this pretty hatbox.

Good choice! The side cabinet it is.

-Open it aloft and peer within.

-This one?

-That's the one.

-OK.

This challenge is entitled What Is It?

Now, reach in, lift it out and tell me what is it?

What is it?

This, I think it's some type of...calculator?

Incorrect! It was actually a bigger version of this.

Still don't know what it does.

-Well done. You can put it back in the cupboard.

-OK.

-Sling it in and shut the door.

-Sling it in and shut the door.

It's now time, Fran, to pick your next storage unit. Which will it be?

-The wardrobe, please.

-Oh, good choice, cocker!

Come on out, George!

# It's Accordion John

# It's Accordion John

# It's Accordion John. #

George!

Oh, it's George! Yes.

Say hello to Accordion George, Fran.

Hi, George!

George is going to play you a lovely tune on his accordion

and you have to guess what that tune is.

-Have you got it?

-Yeah, I've got it.

All right, listen carefully, Fran.

Take it away, Acco George!

HE PLAYS POP TUNE ON ACCORDION

All right, well done, George. What was it, Fran?

-It was Katy Perry, Firework.

-Good guess!

Let's find out if you're right or not right.

# Baby, you're a firework

# Come on, let your colours burst

# Make them go... #

Correct! You were correct! Stop that.

I much preferred George's version. But yes, you are correct!

-Give Accordion George a big wave, Fran!

-Bye, George!

See you, George! All right, shut the doors, cocker! Don't milk your part.

Right, Fran. Now, pick your final storage unit.

Which one will it be?

It's going to be the suitcase at the end.

Good choice! The hatbox it is!

EVIL HACKER GROWLS

By that, he means Quick Fire!

Name someone that is in the double act Dick and Dom.

Dick.

-What is the best invention?

-Erm...

-Me!

I made it quite clear in that song earlier.

-Yeah, sorry. The plane.

-Name an absolute genius.

Er... Hacker!

Correct. What's the best thing about physics?

That... Erm, erm...

The big P!

What's your greatest achievement?

My greatest achievement?

Setting rockets on fire with my finger.

-Coming on Hacker Time is the answer.

-Sorry.

-Knock knock?

-Who's there?

How am I to know that when we're meant to be doing telly, love?

We haven't got time for messing about!

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it,

what's my uncle's name?

-Jeff.

-No, he happens to be called Uncle Tree.

Am I science? Why is chemistry?

Who is chemistry? Why does chemistry keep calling? I'm sick of it!

I need to change my number!

Why do you think I should get

chemistry's number blocked on my phone?

-Tell me that!

-KLAXON BLARES

time's up! Time's up! How did she do, Derek?

She did so well, we've decided to give her an honorary degree.

I don't know what he's talking about,

but I know that you're going to Wigan!

Herman, get her out of here!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-Wigan? I'm going to Wigan?

My hometown Wigan. Go on!

-Now? I'm going to Wigan now?

-Bye-bye!

Thanks for watching my little show today.

I'm off now to work on a science project.

I've decided to invent pasta shaped like the alphabet.

If it doesn't catch on, I'll eat my words!

Hey? Good gag! Right, I'm going to sing me song. Sing along, cocker!

You know the words. Oh!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Fran from Absolute Genius Popped in and joined the gang

# I'm still not sure what science is

# But she covered me in debris When she made stuff ker-bang

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

EVIL HACKER GROWLS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd