Andrew Whyment Hacker Time

'Hacker Time is filmed before a distressed studio audience.'

So, is everyone happy with the script for this week's episode?

Well, actually, I've got a few tiny changes I'd like to make.

Go on, then, Hacker. It's always good to hear your input.

-Well, you see all the jokes and script?

-Yes.

I think we should get rid of them. Oh.

-THEY GASP

-And you see the big celebrity guest?

-Yes.

I think we should get rid of them, too.

-THEY GASP

-And you see all the trumping and the falling over

-and the big song and dance number?

-ALL: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

-Gone, I tells you. All gone.

-ALL: Oh!

-Unbelievable!

-And what does that leave us with?

-Just me.

-But what are you going to do for half an hour?

Maybe wrestle a flock of angry kestrels.

Oh, no! Oh, he's lost it.

Well, you are the star of the show, Mr Hacker,

so I suppose you can do whatever you want.

Great. I'll tell the boys.

Boys, we're on. Wait! Boys, boys, what are you doing?

Ooh, no! Ooh, boys, no.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

Oh. Pah! Plan A it is, then. Agh.

MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

# You've got to watch this

# You've got to watch this

# You've got to watch this!

# My, my, my

# Programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and friends it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show you can't touch

# Hacker Time. #

Thank you.

OK, everyone, on air in ten seconds. Hacker.

Oh, Hacker, what are you doing?

I'm having my pre-show fizzy pop, cocker.

-Oh, dear. This isn't going to end well.

-Cue, Hacker.

Welcome to the show, ladies and...

HE BURPS

-That's disgusting.

-I'm sorry about that.

-Welcome to the show, ladies and...

-HE BURPS

That one smells of Cornish pasty.

Oh, as I was saying.

Welcome to the show, ladies and...

HE BURPS THROUGHOUT

THEY SHRIEK

Oh.

BURP CONTINUES

-Excuse me.

-Oh, Derek, that was a total disaster.

I know, he was meant to burp four times, not three!

Now I've got that off my chest, it's time to introduce today's guest.

-It's...

-HE BURPS

Oh, on second thoughts, Larry, why don't you introduce him, cockers.

Sure thing, Hacker.

Please welcome one of the most famous men in Great Britain,

who also lives on the most famous street in Great Britain.

It's...

The UK Prime Minister.

FANFARE FIZZLES OUT

Hold on a minute.

Prime Minister, You could have dressed for the occasion.

Look at the state of you.

I'm not the Prime Minister, I'm Andy Whyment, Kirk from Coronation Street.

All right, all right, calm down. Just wait there a minute.

Derek, what's going on here?

What's all this about?

Why is that man claiming he doesn't run the country?

Because he doesn't, Hacker. He's a soap star.

I don't understand all this political chat, Derek.

Well, take a look at this then.

Andy Whyment is an actor who plays Kirk Sutherland

in Coronation Street.

Over the years, his storylines have included a romance with Julie.

Oh, look. She's wearing a busy blouse.

Having sweaty armpits while standing in the Rovers

and leading a Victorian pickpocket gang.

And that's everything you need to know about Andy Whyment.

Well, that clears everything up, doesn't it, cocker?

-I shall make my journey back to the studio.

-It's that way.

I knew that. Every time!

It's great to see you again, Andy.

Are we still on for a curry later?

Definitely, yeah, I'm going to get a chicken jalfrezi,

plenty of poppadoms.

-Oh, yeah.

-Vindaloo?!

Oh, well, I'm sorry about him, Andy. He's not all there.

-He's not all that there!

-He's right, Andy. I'm not all there.

-But I am the star of the show so, Herman, get out.

-All right.

-I'll see you later, Andy. I'll save you a poppadom.

-Don't bother.

As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, Andy,

it's lovely having you on the show.

I'm a massive fan of your work in Emmerdale.

You're great with Paddy.

-Oh, no, er, Coronation Street.

-Whatever.

Larry, quick, tell us what's coming up.

We will be getting into a lather of some good, clean fun,

because today's Hacker Time is all about soap.

-There's high drama.

-This is a cafe, you've got to have a ham roll.

Startling discoveries.

Whale vomit smells of whale vomit.

And moggy mayhem.

All this and more on Hacker Time.

What a visual and sonic treat, isn't it, cockers?

Are you looking forward to that, Andy?

-Are you looking forward to it, Andy?

-I am, yeah.

It is now time for my first proper, serious question.

HE BURPS

Oh! That stinks of Cornish pasty.

Sorry, Andy.

That fizzy pop is still repeating on me. Right, next serious question.

Coronation Street, at the start of every episode,

why does that cat always jump off the roof?

It's been part of the titles for years.

It's not very realistic, though, is it, cockers?

When do you ever see cats falling from the sky?

CAT MEOWS

Oh. Sorry about that, Andy. We've got a leak in the ceiling.

-Now, Coronation Street is a soap opera, isn't it, Andrew?

-Yeah.

But I must admit, it isn't the best soap opera I've ever watched.

OPERATIC SINGING

-AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

-Bravo, bar of soap, bravo.

You should have seen the finale.

It was a duet between a flannel and a stick of deodorant.

Moving on. Can you do any impressions of your Corrie co-stars?

-I'll have a little go at Dev for you.

-Go on, do Dev.

Listen to me, baby, OK!

I'm listening, go on, do the impression.

I've just done it. That was the impression.

-Dreadful that.

-Thanks!

-Now, your character Kirk is a bit daft.

-He is a bit.

But are you that daft in real life?

I'd like to say I'm not as daft in real life,

-but I'd like to say as I'm as lovable as Kirk is.

-Aw.

-Andy, do you remember when I was a regular on Corrie?

-No.

I played Eileen's on-again off-again boyfriend.

Have a look at this, cocker.

Time to get back together with Eileen, I think.

Hang on a minute.

-They're talking about me in there.

-Better off without him.

Yeah, good riddance, bad rubbish.

Oh, how rude, I can't believe what they're saying.

I never really liked him.

-Now you tell me.

-Well, all those flipping awful bomber jackets.

One in navy, one in buff.

How dare he? This shade is called biscuit.

He never had anything in buff!

Buff or biscuit, one of them nondescript colours.

It was like some old codger's cast-offs.

HE SQUEALS

-Hark at Gok Wan!

-And you've got to admit,

-his hair was a bit weird, wasn't it?

-That does it!

I'll go and see if Deirdre's available instead.

-What do you think, Andy Whyment?

-Terrible.

-The way they talked about you, Hacker.

-I was furious for a time.

-I bet you were.

-One final, very important question.

What is the weather going to be like today?

I've heard it's going to be raining.

That is interesting, because I heard the same thing.

I heard it was going to be raining cats and, well, cats.

THUNDER CLAP

MEOWING

Oh, no. Quick, Larry. Find a distraction.

Yee ha!

It's time for another rootin' tootin' tale from the Mild West.

HORSE NEIGHS

# Long ago on the old frontier

# There lived a man with floppy ears

# The Sheriff of Cockers' Creek

# Where the mud was fine But the air was bleak

# Where some were good But some were pests

# That's what you get When you live

# In the Mild, Mild west... #

That'll be a 1.29 for the tinned critter stew, please, Sheriff.

Very reasonable.

SHE SIGHS

Why so glum, Mrs Goldmine?

Oh, Sheriff, it's the Cockers' Creek hoedown

and curry night tonight and I have nobody to go with. I'm so lonely.

So very, very lonely.

SHE SOBS

Ah. That's a shame.

See you, then.

If only I had a handsome man to share

all my millions of dollars with.

CASH REGISTER RINGS REPEATEDLY

Mrs Goldmine, will you stop opening and closing that that there till?

Sorry, I totally forgot myself.

So, Thelma, what time should I pick you up tonight?

Don't listen to him.

I'm taking you to the hoedown.

-No, I am.

-No, I am.

-No, I am.

-No, I am.

I'm taking...

Stop it!

Gentlemen, please!

Oh, you broke a nail.

I will choose who takes me out, but first, I must put you to the test.

Firstly, my ideal man must be brave as brave can be.

What do you want us to do, arm wrestle an angry buffalo?

Have a heated discussion with a stubborn ferret?

No, you must give whiffy Bob his annual bath.

No way. That man smells of chicken fat mixed with whale vomit.

Where's the Sheriff?

Ha ha! Whale vomit smells of whale vomit.

Ha ha!

Time for the next challenge.

I want you to show me how romantic you can be.

Funny you should say that, because I happened to have got you this.

A piece of ham shaped like a heart.

-Ain't it pretty?

-Why, Eddie, I just love hearts and I also love ham.

You sure know how to treat a lady.

SHE EATS NOISILY

MUFFLED SPEECH

Oh, yeah? But can he hold an extremely heavy door open for you?

THEY GROAN

Uh-oh.

Hey, Eddie, have you got any of that ham left?

Well, you're both neck and neck,

so it's time for the final test.

I want to find out who has the strongest bladder.

Whoever can drink the most milky brews

without going to the toilet wins.

Ha! Easy. Derek, line them up.

Ho-ho! Coming up, my little owls.

CUP SHATTERS

Give me another.

CUP SHATTERS

And another.

-CUP SHATTERS

-And another!

CUPS SHATTER

And another.

And another.

Oh.

See there. You ain't had a single cup yet, while I've had 3,004.

And guess what? I ain't been to the toilet once.

HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

Oh!

TRICKLING

< Ah!

Looks like I found my date for the evening. Are you ready, Sheriff?

Sure am, cockers, but give me a quick swig of your brew first.

-Let's go, then.

-Hold on a second.

TRICKLING

-You really are a filthy dog!

-Hang on, nearly finished!

# That's what you get when you live In the Mild, Mild west... #

Now, watching that drama has made me think.

Andy, why don't we act out our very own Coronation Street scene?

-Go on, then.

-I'll portray the role of Royston Cropper.

-And you be Kirk.

-Of course I can.

And action.

-Hi, Roy, can I have a ham roll, please?

-I'm afraid we've none left.

-I'm sorry, Kirk.

-What do you mean?

-We've not had a delivery this morning.

-This is a cafe.

-You got to have a ham roll!

-We've none left!

-Oh, no. It's all got a bit heated in there.

-Get out of my shop!

I'll distract the audience with the emergency film.

Pathetic!

Ho-ho. Hello, my little owls.

Today's Derek Time is a human special.

First, have a look at these golfers all making an illegal shot.

Now, it is one at a time, fellas.

Hold on, that's nine people on a golf course. That's crazy.

Crazy golf. Good shot though, lads. Well done, son.

Basketball star can't negotiate himself a new contract,

because he's an otter. Look at him. What is he playing at?

Hold on, I wish I could do that. I can't even hold round things.

And look at this chap.

He fancies himself as the next Justin Bieber.

Hold on a minute, hang on. I said a human special. That is not a human.

It is quite clearly a Chihuahua! Ooh! Chihuahua!

It is now time for the best and main bit of Derek Time,

I don't mind telling you, my little owls. Oh, yes, it's time for...

Derek, have you seen my hair rollers?

No, I've not see them, Mother.

This back quiff is completely natural.

Why would I have seen your rollers? Ho-ho!

Oh, that's enough from me, my old owls, see you soon! Ho-ho!

Quick, Lolly, it's the end of the tape.

OK, everyone. On air in three, two, one.

I'm glad we've made up after our little ding-dong, aren't you?

Definitely.

I've been told that in real life you like a sing-song.

-Is that true?

-I give it a go every now and again.

Why don't you give us a blast of your favourite song?

# All you want to do Is ride around, Sally

# Ride, Sally, ride Huh!

-# All you want... #

-All right, Andy, don't drag it out.

I don't want your entire album's worth. That was low quality, really.

You've not got the voice like I've got. Hit it.

# There's a place That's never boring

# Where the residents Are always warring

# There's a factory and a salon

-# A corner shop and a cat

-Meow!

# A house that's clad

# In blue and yellow Owned by our Tyrone

# A little fella

# The viaduct's now a restaurant

# And Steve McDonald wears hats

# There's Rita

# She runs the Kabin With her mate Norris

# Who's always blabbing

# About Gail McIntyre two doors down

# The most miserable girl in town

# Julie Carp

# She's Eileen's sister

# Nick Tilsley He's Leanne's mister

# And don't forget Deirdre's big chain belts

# On Coronation

# Coronation

# Down on good old Corrie Street... #

What do you think, Andy?

Yeah, it was brilliant, but where was my mention?

I know. Yes. I only included the good ones.

Stay there, cockers,

because there is more low-quality entertainment to come.

Larry, do th'honours.

We've got thrills, spills and even more thrills and spills in store.

There is a man in a cupboard.

A shocking mix-up.

That's not meat paste at all.

Agh!

-And we find out what the time is.

-Is it boring o'clock?

No, it's Hacker Time, so stay tuned.

Now on Hacker Time, I'm going to talk about some of my favourite

otters from around the world. I once met this lovely otter from Hull.

-His name was Frank.

-Oh, here comes Lolly.

Be cool, mate, you'll be fine.

-Oh, all right?

-All right, Lolly, yes. Enjoying the show, are you?

Well, yeah, it's got me thinking.

-You know how in soaps when two people fancy each other?

-Yeah.

-But they can't quite admit their true feelings?

-Yeah.

And everyone watching at home knows they're really deeply in love?

-Yeah, Lolly, yeah. I think I know what you're trying to say.

-Yeah.

It's totally unrealistic, isn't it?

I mean, as if that would ever happen.

Now get out of my sight.

Oh. She... She...

She spoke to me.

She only went and spoke to me.

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents

the following factory sketch.

Oh, no, I'm short staffed.

How am I going to manufacture all this meat paste?

-All right, mate.

-Who are you?

-My name is Andy. I'm looking for a job.

Let's give you a one-day trial.

Can you spot any dangers on the factory floor?

This big roller-skate shouldn't be lying around over here.

Exactly, it should be lying around over there instead.

-Now, no-one is going to trip on that, cocker.

-Tea. Tea.

Oh!

Now, can you spot anything else?

Well, I'm sure this bear trap is a major safety hazard.

-No, actually that's a major safety measure.

-Oh!

-Yes.

-We've got a bit of bear problem in here.

-Help me!

Oh!

Don't be so melodramatic, Bev. And pick up these mugs off the floor.

Anyone could trip...

Agh! Ow!

It's now time for the taste test.

Andrew, tell me what is in jar A.

-Is it beef?

-Correct.

It is beef. Andrew, what is in jar B?

-Chicken?

-Correctomundo.

Right, jar C.

Oh, that's disgusting. I think I want to be sick.

I think there's been a little mix-up.

That's not meat paste at all.

-You don't mean...?

-Yes. It's fish paste.

-Agh!

Quick, Beverley, get this man a glass of water.

SHE SHRIEKS

Hopeless. Useless that. Never mind.

Let's see how you do in packing and distribution.

Some jars of meat paste will come out of those chutes.

All you have to do is catch them and put them in boxes.

-Catch the jars, put them in the box. Got it.

-Right, stop the machines.

Andy, the meat paste this side. Quick!

Andy, that side now.

Oh, no. Stop the machines.

-How did I do?

-How did you do?

Well, you broke dozens of jars of meat paste.

You know nothing about factory safety

and you can't tell what fish paste is. You've got the job.

In fact, I'm going to promote you

to the head manager of the whole factory.

-Does that mean I can fire anyone I like?

-Course it does, cockers.

In that case, you're fired.

I didn't think that through, did I?

Oh, well, at least I've got my health.

No!

This show is complete nonsense. Why are we even watching it?

I'm seeing what else is on.

Yes, indeed.

-No.

-Listen to me, baby, OK.

-Not Dev.

SHRIEKING

Yes, this is good.

Sorry I'm late and that, innit?

Josh, have you seen the time?

No, is it boring o'clock? Ha ha.

Punctuality revisited.

# Your attitude stinks You need to be on time

# Want to succeed You got to toe the line

# To stop your tutors being surly Don't be late, just be early

# Last into class Hear your teacher shout

# In the canteen All that's left is sprouts

# Late to drama And your life is in a mess

# Because the only thing left Is a little pink dress... #

-I like it.

-# To snooze is to lose

# So don't be a fool

# Being late is so not cool

# Think how life would be With punctuality

# I've got no watch

# Don't wash with me

# Missed PE Because I was down the shops

# Buying a steak and few lamb chops

# Missing a lesson where they taught us how to rhyme

# The police would say it's a terrible offence

# What if you missed French?

# I was having tea with Dame Judi Dench

# Don't really know why I'm always late

# I can't tell the time or date

# To snooze is to lose

# So don't be a fool

# Being late is so not cool

# Think how life would be with punctuality

# I've got no watch

# Don't wash with me... #

And now, the thrilling climax of today's show.

The stupendous, the amazing, the magnificent quiz we like to call...

What's In 'Em?

Yes, welcome to my quiz, Andrew.

Inside each of these lovely storage units lies a fun challenge

and if you do well at said challenges,

you might win yourself a holiday.

-Are you ready?

-I am.

-Fantastic.

In that case, let's crack on,

because I'm sure everyone at home is waiting to find out...

..what's in 'em.

Right, Andy. Time to pick your first storage unit.

I'm going to go for the lampshade.

Good choice. The side cabinet it is.

Lean across and open it with all the grace of a gazelle.

Fling it aloft, my cocker.

This challenge is called What Is It?

Together, these two items form the name of a famous TV show.

But what is it?

As you can see, we've got a sandwich filled with Coronation chicken

and a street.

-Put them together and what do you get, Andy?

-Coronation Street.

Sorry, no. It was the famous TV show Chicken Sandwich Road.

I think they still show it on Dave Ja Vu.

All right, Andy. Put the item down and shut that storage unit, cockers.

-Now, Andy Whyment, choose your second storage unit.

-The cake tin.

Good choice. The wardrobe it is. Come on out, Accordion George.

# It's Accordion George It's Accordion George... #

Oh, George!

Andy Whyment, this is my old chum Accordion George.

Give him a nice big wave. Accy G, as I call him,

is going to play a lovely tune on his accordion

and you have got to guess what it is.

Take it away, Accy G.

HE PLAYS THEME FROM EMMERDALE

All right, George, that was perfect. A bit long.

Next year, keep it shorter, Cocker. Andy, what was it?

I keep telling you I am off Coronation Street,

but that was the theme tune from Emmerdale.

Let's find out if you were right.

HE PLAYS THEME FROM EMMERDALE

You were correct, Andy, well done.

George, I told you to learn the Coronation Street theme tune.

Did you not get my text? He has no reception in that wardrobe.

Get back in your cupboard! Shut the doors.

Fantastic. Cheers. It is now time to pick your final storage unit.

-I will go for the phone.

-Good choice, the hatbox it is.

-Quickfire.

-Let's go.

-Complete the name of the TV show, Coronation...

-Street.

-Correct.

-David Barlow wears glasses, true or false?

-True.

-correct.

In episode 467 on 2nd June 1965,

-who did Florrie Lindley gave her favourite vase to?

-Emily Bishop?

Correct! It was Nugent back then.

-Name a character in Coronation Street.

-Tyrone?

-No, it was the cat. What is Weatherfield?

-A place?

-No, it was a field with weather in it. Knock-knock!

-Who is there?

None of your business!

Keep out of it! What is a hotpot?

-Potatoes and meat.

-What is a hotpot not?

-I dunno.

-Do you want some hotpot?

-No.

-Who are you?

-Andy.

Who am I? What am I? Why am I? Why are we here? What is going on?

Why are we working? It is not right! That's it, perfect, time's up.

-Thank you. How did he do, Derek?

-I don't really know.

-That means only one thing. You have won the holiday.

-Yay!

Yes, you are going on a week-long cruise on an industrial cargo boat!

-That sounds terrible.

-It sounds fantastic, what do you reckon?

I don't want to go there.

-Herman, get him out of my sight.

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-I don't want to go!

That sounds terrible! I don't want to go on a cargo ship!

Ha-ha-ha, good 'un. That's your lot, cockers.

I am off to Audrey's salon to get my nails done.

All that is left for me to do is sing my lovely little song.

After all, I am contractually obliged. See you!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav, love so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show and mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# The whole programme costs just under a pound

# Watch again next time because we've got much more

# There will be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Andy Whyment was my guest He is the fella what plays Kirk

# We had fun in my factory

# Until the machinery decided to go berserk

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav, love so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show and mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Listen to me, baby, OK?