Shannon Flynn Hacker Time

Hacker Time is filmed in front of a film of a studio audience.

Ho-ho! Morning, everyone.

It's come to my attention that Hacker Time

is totally out of touch.

We need to bring ourselves into the 21st century.

Why, prithee, sir, I know not of what you speak, forsooth.

See what I mean?!

We need to embrace the modern world and show our audience

we can be relevant.

Has anyone got a..."games console"?

I've got some games plimsolls! FLIES BUZZ

I've brought them in for squash tonight!

Good enough! Has anyone got a "smartphone?"

I have! Don't he look smart in his tuxedo!

Wow! The things they can do these days.

Finally, has anyone got a tablet?

Yeah, I have.

Why, do you need to put all this down in an e-mail?

No! All this talk of technology's giving me a splitting headache!

Hohoo! Ow, me head!

Ooh, I could do with one meself. I'm feeling a little ruff!

EH? Do you get it?! Ruff!

It's an Elizabethan joke!

Oh, please yourselves!

# You gotta watch this... #

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

OK, everyone. On air in ten seconds.

Oooh, Lolly, Hacker's had a brilliant idea.

he's going to copy what the Friday Download people do!

-That doesn't sound very original!

-Well, here's the twist.

He's going to try and break the record for the most downloads

attempted in under a minute! Hohoooo!

Ready! What's first?

Style Download!

All right then!

Next?

TV And Movie Download!

I've watched Hacker Time... It's rubbish! Next?!

Dance Download!

Next!

Dance Even Faster Download!

Next!

Dance Even Faster Than That Download!

Next!

Dance Next To A Shark-Infested Pond Download!

Next!

Drop A Banana Skin Download!

Next!

Do The Obvious Punch Line Download!

If I must...

Oooh, me nonsense!

Hohoooo! Download complete!

That's quite enough of that.

Time to introduce my special guest for today's top drawer

episode of Hacker Time!

Larry, tell us who it is.

Certainly, Hacker.

Please welcome a cheeky northern Friday Download presenter

with a fine head of hair and an Irish-sounding name.

It's...

Caellach Spellman!

FANFARE SOUNDS, THEN FADES

What are you doing here? You're not Cel. You are an impostor!

No, Hacker. I'm Shannon Flynn from Friday Download and Dani's Castle.

-You know me.

-I know who you are, Sharon, yes.

I was expecting Cel.

I wanted him to show me how to backcomb me hair!

Oh, just wait there, I'll sort this.

Derek! Why I...!

What is SHE doing in my studio? I wanted Cel Spellman.

He's an unforgettable talent!

But we had him on the last series.

Did we? I don't remember.

Here, let me show you a few reasons

why Shannon will make a terrific guest!

Shannon Flynn is an actress and presenter

who is never off our TV screens.

She started out playing Emily James in Waterloo Road

and these days, she stars as Kaitlin in Dani's Castle.

Those stairs could do with a good sanding!

Shannon is so cool, she's now part of the Friday Download team.

Oh, look! They stand at jaunty angles!

That's everything you need to know about Shannon Flynn.

She DOES sound like a terrific guest!

-Better than Cel?

-Who's Cel? Now, I must depart.

To the studio! Good day, sir.

That way!

I know! I forgot! Just testing you, Derek.

I'll have to get some style tips off you, Herman.

I love this shirt! It's very snazzy.

Well, you have to be careful what you wear

when your skin's luminous pink.

BOTH LAUGH

That is so funny, Herman.

Oh, Herman, you are stylish, aren't you?

Yes, Mr Hacker.

Herman, you are cool, aren't you?

Yes, Mr Hacker.

-Oh, Herman...

-Yes, Mr Hacker?

The toilet's blocked again.

Yes, Mr Hacker.

Hahaha! It's funny cos I blocked it.

Now, Shannon, how lovely to have you on the show.

Are you glad to be here?

I'm very happy to be here. Thanks for having me, Hacker.

Well, wait till you see what we've got in store for you.

Larry, do t'honours!

We've got Friday Down-LOADS of stuff coming up on today's Hacker Time.

Shannon reveals her latest fashion tips.

Big purple hair, pink, spotty bow ties and green glasses.

Find out what all the fuss is about in Cockers' Creek.

Oooh, me sheriff's nonsense.

Plus, the latest, most amazing and exciting Download ever.

It's all too much for this little fella!

Yes, all this and more on Hacker Time!

-Looks good, don't it, Shazza?

-It does.

But before all that, there's some serious business to attend to.

The big interview! Are you ready, cockles?

I'm ready, Hacker.

OK, time for my first highbrow question.

What's it like being Cel Spellman?

I'm not Cel Spellman.

Oh, yeah!

I forgot to update my questions, didn't I, cocker?

-You did.

-The next serious question is this.

Did you fall off your skateboard on the way here, love?

Your jeans are a right mess.

Yeah! No, I actually bought them this way. Funny, that.

You've been done, love! You have been done like a kipper!

-I have!

-Now, Shannon Flynn, what is your favourite castle?

Is it Dani's Castle...

Skipton Castle...

or Wimbledon commentator, Andrew Castle?

-Dani's Castle.

-Good choice. You're in that show.

-I am.

-It's good PR, cocker.

I like Andrew Castle. He has a strong forehead and sturdy teeth.

Lovely set of molars, that man,

Next question - who is your favourite Dani?

Is it Dani Harmer...

Danny Pearson from Friday Download...

Or dunny, the Australian term for lavvy?

You can't make me choose, Hacker!

-Yes, I can, it's in the script, love.

-I can't pick between.

I love Dani Harmer and Danny Pearson both the same.

My favourite is dunny, cos that's where I do my Friday download!

Ha-ha! You know what I mean?

-Plops!

-Yeah.

-Plopping. Dropping.

-Nice(!) Tasteless.

-Oh, yes.

I love Dani's Castle, though.

In the show, the castle is haunted,

right, but everyone knows ghosts don't exist in real life.

-Ain't that right, Shannon?

-You're right, Hacker. They don't exist.

-I mean, that'd just be silly, wouldn't it?

-Ridiculous.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don't worry, Shannon,

-it's only Derek McGee from the gallery.

-Ah!

Well done, Dezza! That was much better than in rehearsal!

What was that that, Hacker?

Hoo-hoo!

-Oh! Oh!

-Hoo-hoo!

That was weird, wasn't it? But it did remind me

of the time I once spent the night in a haunted house...

WOLVES HOWL

BEEP

That's enough of that CD of horror film sound effects!

Now, sleep time!

HE SNORES

That was the best night's sleep I've ever had.

We've got a few questions from our website.

-Will you answer some, please?

-Of course, Hacker.

OK, here is an excellent question.

I don't have a degree in whatever you just said, Hacker.

Very interesting. I never knew that about you.

-You learn something new every other day.

-You do.

Now, Turquoise Manky Cat asks...

Oh, this is a good question.

Oh, that's a ludicrous question! Who'd ask an actor that?!

How would SHE know the answer?

You should be ashamed of yourself, Turquoise Manky Cat.

And that name's probably made up too!

How dare you, sir!

On behalf of turquoise manky cats everywhere, I must protest!

Here's a good question from my own brain.

-You do Style Downloads, don't you?

-I do.

-But what's in style this season?

-I'll tell you what's in.

Big purple hair, pink spotty bow ties and green glasses.

Oh, I must look a right fool, then.

These green glasses are red! I'm livid.

Quick, Larry, throw to something else!

Ohh, Nellie! Settle down, y'all,

cos it's time for another instalment

of Tales From The Mild West.

And let me tell you, today's episode is absolute gold!

# Long ago on the old frontier

# There lived a man with floppy ears

# The sheriff of Cockers' Creek

# Where the mud was fine but the air was bleak

# Where some were good but some were pests

# It's what you get when you live in the mild, mild West... #

Yee-ha!

Oh!

SPLASH!

Why would a sign like that even exist?!

Well, that's my big shop done.

Sheriff, you're spending a lot of money at the moment.

Are you sure you need all these things?

Why, Mrs Gold-mine, these are just everyday sheriff essentials.

Eggs, flour, spare sheriff's badges,

a copy of Cowboy Talk magazine.

Got to practise my cowboy talk, haven't I, cocker?

I didn't mean THOSE things. I mean these!

-You just ordered 50 bags-for-life to put them in!

-So what?

-So what?! They cost five cents each!

-In that case, give me 52!

-Oh!

-Fiddley-diddly-dee!

-THUNK!

Put it all on my account. I'll pay you another time.

OK, but I don't know where you're going to get all that money from.

Oh, Mrs Gold-mine, it'll be fine!

It really won't be fine.

I need to find somebody now.

Gold! Gold! There's gold in this here town!

Do you mind, Whiffy Bob?

I'm trying to figure out where I'll find some money NOW!

But there's gold, Sheriff!

And whoever finds it, he'll be rich.

Rich beyond their wildest dreams!

Right. I have dreams.

And sometimes they're wild.

In that case, I must find the gold before the rush begins!

CHEERING AND GUNFIRE

-HE GROANS

-Oooh, me sheriff's nonsense.

Ooh, quicksand. That means I'll be able to get to the gold more quickly.

BUBBLING

Told you! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hard work, this panning for gold.

What's in your pan, Sheriff?

Just a steak.

And to top it all off, I think I've overdone it.

-Yah!

-CLATTER!

Ooh, what was that?

Gold! Gold!

One, two, three, four...

Exactly 25 bars of solid gold.

That'll be more than enough to pay off my massive grocery bill.

TILL RINGS

And in total, your massive grocery bill

comes to exactly 24 gold bars.

Oh, knickers!

That means I've only got one gold bar left.

Yes, Sheriff.

And you make sure you hold onto that bar.

You make sure you keep it safe.

For one day, one day, when you've a family of little sheriffs to feed,

you're going to need that bar, and when that day comes, Sheriff,

you make sure you spend it wisely.

You're right.

Four million bags-for-life, please!

TILL RINGS

Actually, make it ten million. And put it on my account, cocker!

# In the mild, mild West! #

If that doesn't win me my first BAFTA, I don't know what will.

Now, Shannon, do you ever try to do a download,

but you can't get enough bandwidth on the guest wi-fi network?

I can't say that's ever happened to me,

cos I've got my own wi-fi.

-Oh, show-off!

-Oh, I know.

It happens to me a lot, cocker. I get it all the time. Look at that!

-Look at that thing.

-Oh, no.

-We'd better just wait.

That's a bit embarrassing. A bit unprofessional, actually.

-A little bit. We'd better just wait until it's done.

-Yeah.

Ah... Have you seen any good films lately?

No, not really at the cinema, but I have been at home.

-I've been watching...

-I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off,

because the download is almost...

Oh, nil! Derek, do something!

I'll run the emergency film, me little owl! Hoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo! Hey!

Derek Time is here, with a bulldog special!

I know one guy who'll be sitting down to tune in for that -

me mate Lazy Gerald!

He's having a little sit down! That's it.

You take the weight off after a long day of doing nothing, my friend.

And I've heard there's another bulldog who'll definitely

be watching Derek Time and not getting bored in any way.

Here he is, look. It's Sleepy Steve.

Wake up, Steve. Steve! That's just rude.

They're all pretty lazy, really, bulldogs, aren't they?

They never do anything energetic.

I mean, they never do any extreme sports, for example.

Oh, look at that!

Unbelievable! Hoo-hoo!

I mean, I've never seen that before. That bulldog's grown human arms!

PHONE RINGS Oh, that'll be a Derek Time fan.

How do? Derek McGee.

No, me mother's not in.

I don't want to tell you how much I could be paying for electricity.

Well, that is very competitive. Speak to you later about it.

Yes, I'll speak to you soon. Thank you. Goodbye. Hoo-hoo!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, that's all for Derek Time today...

PHONE RINGS Not again.

The gas could be cheaper too? Hoo-hoo!

The tape's finished.

OK, everyone, on air in three, two, one...

Well, now that our little IT problem's been resolved,

-Shannon, can I ask you a question?

-Of course you can, Hacker.

Why are you lot on Friday Download obsessed with Fridays?

Cos it's the best day of the week. Beginning of the weekend.

But there are so many other great days to enjoy.

I lead such a fulfilling life.

You should hear about some of the stuff I get up to!

MUSIC STARTS

# Oh, on a Monday, I do pilates

# Tuesday, I bake a flan... #

Oh, what a lovely rise!

# ..But Wednesday is the day that I look forward to the most

# Because that's when I receive Meat Paste Weekly through the post

# Thursday, I visit Mother... #

Hello, Hacker!

# ..Friday, I plait my hair

# Saturday's the day I have to undercoat my fence

# On Sunday I buy couscous for less than 40 pence

# That's my week in song! #

Oh, what a dull life I lead.

HE SOBS

It's all right, Hacker.

Larry, tell them what else is coming up!

Prepare to be amazed and astonished

because here's what else you can look forward to

on today's Hacker Time!

What does Shannon really think of the show?

I get the impression that this place is infested with cockroaches.

-How annoying is this?

-TAPPING

And also, we'll be finding out the answer to this question.

Dionne Bromfield - true or false?

All this still to come on Hacker Time!

Now on Hacker Time, I'm going to do a sharp but informative

question-and-answer session. I often get asked this question.

Hacker, what ARE you?

Well, actually, it's a very complicated and long-winded...

Oh, here comes Lolly.

All right, Wilf, get ready for another humiliating situation

where she won't go out with you. You just watch.

Hi, Wilf.

Listen, I wondered if you fancied going out for dinner tonight?

What? Really?

I mean, it's only cos a few other things have fallen through

and you WOULD be paying, so what do you say?

Well, Lolly, of course the answer is...

Oh, me phone's ringing. Hang on!

Hello?

Hi, is that Wilf. Wilf Breadbin?

Yeah, who's this?

It's Alesha Dixon. I just wanted to say thank you so much for helping me

with my flat-pack wardrobe last week.

No problem, love.

And as a thank you, I wanted to take you out to dinner.

If that was a possibility,

-would you be able to pick me up at 7 o'clock?

-I'll fire up the van!

So, Wilf, what about tonight, then?

Sorry, Lolly, I'm washing my hair.

HE CHUCKLES

I love a man who plays hard to get!

Wilf!

And now, we proudly present Hacker's Castle!

THUNDER CRASHES

Oh, woe is me!

I've spent all my money on this expensive Dani Harmer costume!

Now I've got to sell this disgusting old castle

to get some cash. But who'd be stupid enough to buy it?

Hiya! I'm interested in buying this castle.

Well, in that case, let me show you round!

-Ha-ha-ha! What a MUG!

-Thanks. It keeps my milky brews nice and warm.

What can you tell me about this place?

-Well, there's just been one careful owner.

-Oh, that's good!

-But 175 careless ones.

-Oh.

I'll tell you one more thing, cocker.

-All the fixtures and fittings...

-New?

-No, broken.

-Oh.

But there is a beautiful view...

of a brick wall.

Oh. The brochure said the window was south-facing.

It is. It faces south of the brick wall.

I get the impression this place is infested with cockroaches!

Ooh, it most certainly is not.

It's infested with fleas, lice and turquoise manky cats.

I don't know how they got in.

OK, well, I guess it's not perfect but I think I'll take it.

I just need to know one more thing. Is the castle haunted?

Ha-ha-ha! Of course not!

PIERCING SCREAM

-What was that?

-That was just my phone. I was getting a text message.

Wait, is that picture looking at me?

Well, you're no oil painting.

Don't flatter yourself, love!

Anyway, are you sure this castle isn't haunted?

Absolutely certain!

SCREAMING

Oh, sorry about that. I really should put this phone on silent.

Anyway, as I was saying, there are absolutely no ghosts here.

-Then, er, who's that?

-Whoooooo!

I be a ghost! I definitely be a ghost!

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, of course, that's Ghostly Bob. I'd forgotten about him.

Right, so you were going to sell me this castle,

-knowing full well that it's haunted?

-Yeah. Yeah, you've got me.

There's no way you're going to pay a million pound for it now, is there?

No. I'll pay you two million. I love ghosts!

SCREAMING Was that another text?

No. It was me. You're standing on me foot!

CIRCUS MUSIC

Hoo-hoo... Hoo-hoo!

Does he ever shut up?

Leave Ghost Derek alone, you.

I find those noises quite soothing.

Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

Well, all this spooky stuff's is getting on my nerves.

Let's watch something else.

'So you get your blancmange, put it on the side and watch it wobble.'

No... Look at him.

No!

Oh, this is good work!

TICKING

TAPPING

TAPPING GETS INCREASINGLY FASTER

Josh!

# I can't take it any more

# My ears are so sore from hearing Josh's whining

# Man, I think he's actually trying to make my life a living hell

# He knows that I can tell Time to resign, I'm losing my mind

# Become a farmer and raise a baby llama

# Or emigrate to Mexico Become a plumberano, no

# Oi, what's this? Is this about me?

# I'm not annoying in the slightest We're a family

# Going on about this Going on about that

# He may be my brother but I'd rather have a cat

# Stay strong, Nathe, and please don't go

# Plus, we sort of need you for this rapping show

# I don't want to go

# But I think it's about time I did

# I'm going to leave this behind I don't want to be a fool

# And leave school

# All right!

# Blah, blah, blah Don't go on about it, then

# Write your letter Here, have a pen

# Do they even need me?

# Need me, me? Me! #

The song's about me if you didn't quite get it.

# Yeah

# All right! #

TEACHER SIGHS

So, it's decided, then. As of tomorrow,

I no longer teach at Flumsbury High.

No, Nathan! Wait!

Don't leave tomorrow.

-Leave today.

-NEEDLE SCRATCHES

And close the door on your way out, will you?!

RAPID TAPPING

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

And now, we've come to the moment that everyone's been waiting for.

It's the enthralling, the thought-provoking,

awe-inspiring climax of today's show!

It's the quiz that we like to call...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yes, welcome to my quiz, Shannon.

Inside each of these furniture items lies a fun challenge.

If you do well at them, you might just win a holiday.

What do you think about that?

I think that sounds really good, thanks.

(Not when you find out where you're going.)

Never ye mind. In that case, let's crack on with it,

because everyone at home is eager to find out...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Right, Shannon, please pick your first storage unit.

What will it be?

OK, can I have the big wardrobe, Hacker?

Of course you can have the small side cabinet, cocker.

Wander over to it, like a gazelle. Open it up and peer within.

Hello.

This challenge is called Who Is It?

Algernon's going to do an impression of a well-known celebrity,

but who is it?

Hello, I'm Shannon Flynn.

So, Shannon Flynn, who do you think it was, Shannon Flynn?

I think it was Shannon Flynn.

No! It was actually Niall from One Direction,

doing an impression of Shannon Flynn.

That Niall! He loves doing impressions, doesn't he?

-He does. That was a good impression.

-Thank you.

-All right, close the storage unit. Nice and forcefully.

-Good day.

Be quiet, Algernon. Righty-ho, Shannon, choose another item.

Can I have the wardrobe this time?

You sure can.

Leap forth from said wardrobe. It's me old chum, That Bear.

That bear is now going to do a lovely dance for you and you have to

guess what he's dancing to. Take it away, That Bear.

All right, Shannon, what dance is he doing half-heartedly?

Is it Gangnam Style?

I'm sorry but that was incorrect. This is what he was dancing to.

Take it away, That Bear.

# Did you ever know... #

You see? Ha-ha! Top notch!

All right, get back in your cupboard, That Bear.

Go on, hurry up. Close him in, Shannon.

I don't want to see him any more.

Don't trap his nails. He'll scratch me French polishing.

Right, Shannon, now pick your final storage unit.

OK. Erm...

please can I have this drawer, Hacker?

Of course you can have the hat box.

Quickfire.

Yes, question one. Complete the name of this series -

Friday Down what?

-Load.

-Correct.

-What's the name of the character you play in Dani's Castle?

-Caitlin.

Correct. On the episode of Friday Download, 26th April, 2013,

what was the ninth word that Cel said?

The! What is "app" short for?

-Application.

-No, it's short cos it's only got three letters.

-Name a Friday Download presenter.

-Cel.

-No, the other one. Knock knock?

-Who's there?

-Nobody. I think this place is haunted.

-Dionne Bromfield, true or false?

-True!

-Wrong! How many ghosts?

Seven! Is the download complete yet?

-Yes.

-Is it complete now?

-Yes.

-Is it complete now?

-Complete.

-When will the download be complete?!

-Now.

-It's complete now.

-Correct! Time's up! How did she do, Derek?

She scored several points, Hacker.

Ooh, several points.

That's the highest score yet, which means you've won an holiday.

Yes, a fortnight travelling on the London Underground!

-On the Underground?

-Oh, yes.

-Do I have to go?

-I'm afraid you do,

because my chum Herman is going to take you there himself.

-Herman! Get rid of her, please!

-Certainly, Mr Hacker.

-Come on, then.

-No! No! I don't want to go!

That's almost it for today, me old cocksparrers.

I'm off now to get a quote for some crazy paving and a new patio heater.

All that's left is for me to do is sing my fantastic end song.

Sing along, cocker!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# I was joined by Shannon Flynn who's off Friday Download

# We had a lot of spooky fun

# When I tried to show her round my spine-chillingly weird abode

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Hoo-hoo-o-o-oo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd