Bobby Lockwood Hacker Time

Hacker Time's back - just deal with it, people!

So, it's our annual fancy dress party!

Lolly, what a brilliant costume. You look awful, hideous!

Who have you come as?

-You.

-Herman...

What are you supposed to be?

Well, when you said fancy dress BALL, I thought

you meant a fancily-dressed BALL.

It's all right, Herman, stop talking now. This isn't going well at all!

Y'all right, cockers?

Oh, Hacker, at least you've made a real effort!

You look ridiculous!

What? I've just been to play badminton.

Oh! Looks like it's just me and Wilf making an effort again, then.

Wilf, you've outdone yourself this year - so scary and lifelike.

I not Wilf.

THEY SCREAM

MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

# My...my...my...my...my

# Aura hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly but nobody notices

# It feels good There's outtakes too

# Coming in here

# So sit back Don't move too much

# This is the show that you can't catch.

# So Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

OK, standby, everyone, we're on air in 5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Cue Hacker!

Hello and welcome to Hacker Time!

Today's show is all about the spooky CBBC drama Wolfblood!

Which is why I've brought this... Mwahahahahaaaaa.

Why, Hacker, why?

You're weird, mate!

What's wrong with starting a Wolfblood-themed show

with a lovely, chilled bottle of...

..tomato juice!

My top-notch guest should be arriving any second now,

although he doesn't reeeeally know that yet - mwahahahahahahaaaa!

Got a bit of tomato juice caught in my throat.

Hi, I'm TV heart-throb, Bobby Lockwood, here to film Wolfblood.

All right, son! Come with me, Lockwood. Get in the lift.

Do I get to be a heart-throb if I go that way?

-Just do as you're told, son.

-Are you sure?

-Get in the lift.

What! Argh! Help!

Argh!!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bobby Lockwood from Wolfblood!

Huzzah! Bobby, you're my guest on today's show!

What?! No, no, I'm not.

I've been warned about this, I'm going home.

No! You can't go. I've got... er...tomato juice for you.

And I'll put one of those little umbrellas in it if you like.

Oh, go on, then!

Hurrah! Let's see the fact file...

because I have no idea who you are.

Bobby Lockwood is an award-winning actor

who is most famous for appearing on CBBC's Wolfblood.

In the show, he plays Rhydian Morris, who is a wolfblood,

which means he can turn into a wolf. Oh, look!

He also likes to stare handsomely into the distance a lot

and gets angry for no apparent reason. Calm down, Bobby!

You've got a BAFTA, you know.

And that's not all you need to know about Bobby Lockwood.

Oh, I doooooooooooooooooo know who you are, Bobby.

Bobby?

What the budgies?! Why-aye!

You know, I was so pleased when you won the BAFTA!

It's great to have you in the club!

I was so impressed with your anecdote in your acceptance speech

for Best Performance By An Illuminous Pink Actor.

It was genius.

Hey...Herman, I've got an acceptance speech for you.

I accept your resignation.

But I haven't resigned!

I don't care - you're fired! Now get out of here!

See you in a bit, Bobby BAFTA.

No, you won't.

On with the show.

Larry, the menu!

Today's Hacker Time is sure to be award-winning,

mainly because of Bobby Lockwood and not Hacker T Dog.

Coming up:

Hacker wows Bobby with his interview technique.

BREAKS WIND

We go back in time for a brand new medieval romp -

A Knight's Tail.

And would you order this pizza?

All this and more on Hacker Time!

Bobby Lockwood, are you ready for a proper, professional interview?

As ready as I'll ever be.

First question: you're in Wolfblood.

-Why are you always so miserable and moody?

-I'm not moody!

-What are you talking about?

-You're always moody! Look!

-No, I'm not!

-Here's evidence of your moody, miserable woeful chops.

Look at the state of that.

All right, my chops are quite moody there.

-Moody chops!

-A little bit.

Wilf's always dead moody, too -

in his popular drama series, Wilfblood. Have a look.

Oh! Ooh...it's bleeding. It's bleeding!

Powerful stuff, I'm sure you'd agree.

Moving on, when watching Wolfblood I've always wanted to know,

where do your clothes go when you morph into a wolf?

I don't know.

I mean, who'd go on TV in the altogether?!

Ooh, me privets!

Lockwood, don't look!

-Don't look at my private!

-I won't!

Now, there's lots of scary stuff in Wolfblood,

but what's the scariest thing you've ever seen?

Apart from my privets, of course.

-I don't know. I don't like owls.

-What's wrong with owls?

I once had to hold one.

It literally reduced me to tears.

You don't like owls?

But Bobby, they can turn their heads 270 degrees! Fact!

Robert Lockwood,

what's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened on set?

Apart from the falling over that happens pretty much every time

I run, I did once before a take let out a little bottom burp

and Amy wasn't that impressed.

Trumping!? That's disgusting!

I'm far too professional to do that on set.

BREAKS WIND

I mean, it's just rude, unhygienic... Do it in your own time,

yes, but not around special guests like yourself, Bobby.

CONTINUES TO BREAK WIND

Sorry - did you say something?

Oh, Bobby, do you remember that time I was in Wolfblood?

No!

Well, I was. Peer at it with your goose's face.

MUSIC PLAYS

Ooh! Well, more of an audience for my bit of flute-playing, eh, cocker?

Hang on a minute - you're ruining my piece!

THEY HOWL

You as well. Stop it!

Thoughts?

That was amazing. I think you've almost improved it.

I am top drawer, Lockwood, as well you know.

-Now, Bobby, you're a keen football fan, aren't ya?

-Yes.

Who do you support?

Tottenham Hotspur.

Oh, that's disappointing.

I had a whole routine planned about you supporting...

Wolves!

Why would I say Wolves?

You're in Wolfblood, aren't you?

So shall we do it again?

When I ask, what football team do you support,

you say Wolves, cos you're from Wolfblood, right?

-Do I have to?

-It's basic comedy, this.

-OK. OK.

-Right.

Now, Bobby, which football team do you support?

Wolves.

Yeah. Not very funny second time round, is it?

Next question. Let's talk awards.

You've won a BAFTA for best performer in 2013. Was that good?

It was amazing. Actually, I have it here with me.

You know, I just carry it round everywhere I go.

Seriously, well done on the award.

I mean, I was up for the same award, wasn't I, but I didn't win it,

but no hard feelings, eh, Bobby?

Hm.

Now Bobby, tell us all about your fantastic character Rhydian

-in Wolfblood.

-Where to start? One, well, I love playing Rhydian.

He's awesome. He had a very troubled childhood.

It was tough for him, but I think things are starting to get better.

He's found a good group of friends.

He's starting to work hard in school.

-Hacker, where's my award?

-It's here, look.

That is not my award. Look at it!

What are you doing?

Doh! I was only going to borrow it for a very long time!

-You can't just do things like that, OK? It's my award.

-All right.

So you've won it and I didn't. To be honest, I'm a bit livid about it.

I had a speech prepared and everything. DO you want to hear it?

-No, not really.

-Well, it's tough. I've got it here, prepared.

-Really? Do we have to do this?

-Yes, we do.

I'm so glad I beat Bobby Lockwood off that Wolfblood.

I'd only have that man on my show if he was the last person on Earth.

He's a disgrace, albeit a handsome disgrace,

but a disgrace nonetheless.

I would say thank you to the Hacker Time crew while I'm here,

but the truth is they're as useless as Bobby Lockwood.

-Hey!

-Ooh!

-The nerve!

PS - I still don't like Bobby Lockwood.

Oh. This is awkward.

Larry, what's up next?

Time now for our new historical and hysterical medieval drama,

A Knight's Tail.

'Friday in Trumpalot, and something was in the air.'

FARTING

-Hm?

-SNIFFS

Oh! Excuse me!

Send in my knights.

Y'all right, ye olde cockers?

I trust you know of my daughter,

the stunning Princess Beauticia.

Oh!

Why is her face made of cloth?

Fool! Tis a veil that she wears.

Legend has it that man may not look upon her face

lest they should die of shock from her beauty.

Tis true.

And now I must marry off my daughter to one of my most gallant

and noble knights, but seeing as they're all on holiday in Benidorm,

one of you will have to do.

'And so it was that the Queen pitted knight against knight.'

You must fight each other using these deadly weapons.

Hm.

The Royal...

sausages?!

THEY GRUNT

No, not the face! Not the face!

The man who marries my daughter must have excellent table manners.

Your Majesty, I have an extensive knowledge of banquet etiquette.

Follow me.

A selection of knives, a spoon, then we have meat fork, salad fork,

fish fork, aubergine fork, slightly bigger aubergine fork,

roast potato fork, mashed potato fork, jacket potato fork,

fork that you use for poking holes in the tops of ready meals,

trifle ladle, melon saw, horseshoe, pencil case full of hair

and a framed photograph of the popular Barney Harwood.

Very good, Sir Cumference.

And what are your table manners like, Sir Loinsteak?

BIG BURP

Finally, my daughter's future husband shall be the strongest

knight in all the land.

Ooh, not a problem, love.

Lift with your legs, mate, or you'll bruise your coccyx.

Now catch.

I really rather thinking Her Majesty was thinking more along these lines.

Very impressive, but I actually wanted to get the top off this.

Oh!

You only have to ask, Your Majesty.

Oh, you're doing it wrong! Give it here. Come on.

First of all, what you really need to do is give it a good shake.

-That does it!

-Did I do something wrong?

That means you, Sir Cumference, shall marry the Princess Beauticia.

My darling.

The time has finally come to gaze upon your delicate features.

GASPS

Hello, handsome!

Ah!

I'm going to be sick!

Oh, I just don't believe it! You're even more beautiful than they said.

Fancy a bag of chips, love?

Only if you're paying, darling.

-Loinsteak!

-What am I like?!

-Terrific stuff there!

-Award-winning, I reckon.

All right, don't rub it in, Lockwood.

I tell you should be award-winning - the Hacker Time fans!

They're always getting in touch. In fact, I've got a whole section

dedicated to their comments and feedback right now.

Welcome to the Opinion Parlour,

the section of the show where we hear from you, the viewer.

-Don't you mean viewers?

-No, there's only one.

-Oh, yeah. Ha-ha!

Well, in honour of Bobby Lockwood from Wolfblood, we've been asking

you, what's your most dramatic thing that has happened in your life?

Anne from Eccles says she's broken her arm.

-Aww!

-Which she's fine with, but she can't reach the remote,

to turn off Hacker Time! Oh, poor you, Anne.

Also, we've been asking you

if you spotted any bizarre or mysterious sightings.

Colin from Broadbottom says he spotted Steve Backshall's face

-in his pepperoni pizza.

-Ohh!

THEY GROAN

If you've got any comments for us

here at the Hacker Time studios, we'd love to hear from you.

Write to us at the usual address. Hacker Time...

Er...and that's all from the us here at the Opinion Parlour.

I'm sure there was more to it than that!

I didn't see it, I didn't see it.

Utter rubbish. I don't know what them two actually do!

Now, Bobby Lockwood - a lot of people have started

talking about me, saying some nasty things...

-Really?

-Really!

People say I'm mean...people say I'm unkind...people say that I'm

some sort of...monster!

Hello, my agent. Yeah, I'm there now.

He's been doing my head in. He is an absolute monster to work with, I...

Hey, hey! I'm not a monster, honestly!

I shall explain, via the medium of song.

ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC

# I may get angry, I may get in a mood

# I'm not that bad, but that's how I'm viewed

# I ain't no werewolf, but I've lots of hair

# Don't look under your bed cos I'm not there

# I'm not a monster

# I'm just a dawg

# He's just a dawg

# People say I'm scary, I go too far

# But I haven't got fangs like Dracula

# I don't come out at night, I ain't no ghoul

# I ain't no zombie, although I drool

# I'm not a monster

# I'm just a dawg

# He's just a dawg

# I ain't no bogeyman, though I must confess

# I do have bogies, I'm a bit of a mess

# I go lav-lav all over the floor

# Hang on, I am a monster, I'm evil to the core!

# I am a monster

# I'm Hacker T Dog

# He's Hacker T Dog

# Yeah! #

Thoughts?

Well, I mean, I love the song, but you've disproved your point,

-you were literally calling yourself a monster.

-Was I?

-You were screaming it at the top of your lungs.

-I'm a monster!

-I'M A MONSTER!

-HE SOBS

-Over to you, Larry.

-It's OK, mate, it's all right, it's OK.

The other ear.

Oh, OK.

There's loads more to come on today's Hacker Time.

Derek's photo album gets in the wrong hands...

There's Derek McGee on his potty!

-Bobby receives an acting masterclass...

-Oh, come on, Hacker!

Keep reading!

And check out an explosive Quarter Past Four O'clock Club.

All still to come on Hacker Time!

I often get asked, who are my inspirations and influences?

Well, to be honest, there is no-one, cocker, I'm just that talented

and unique myself. I mean, there was one...

Oh, be quiet, Hacker!

Oh, just get Bobby Lockwood back on my screen!

Oh, like him, do you?

Bobby Lockwood? Course! Me and him are BFFs!

-Look, here's a selfie of us two.

-Fancy!

-Have you got any good photos, Derek?

-Oh, no.

Me mother keeps them all in one of those massive photo albums,

but I'm never going to let you see them.

Derek! I've brought your massive photo album in for everyone to see.

Oh, what a stroke of luck, Derek's Mum! Come on, let's have a look.

There's Derek McGee on his potty!

There's Derek McGee having a bedtime story read to him.

And look, there's Derek McGee in his nappy!

Oh, Derek, these are the most embarrassing baby photos

-I've ever seen!

-Who said anything about baby photos?

They were taken last week! Oooh!

Mother! You forgot to burp me!

HE BELCHES

Oh, my goodness!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for everyone's favourite

canine-based CBBC drama.

I-i-i-it's Woofblood!

Just read the script, cockers. It's dead dramatic and that.

I wrote it myself. You'll love it.

Action!

What am I gonna do now that I have lost the love of my life

and only Woofblood friend, Maddy?

Ooh, Bobby, haven't you heard?

A Woofblood has been spotted in the area.

Maddy's back...

Back?

..is very spotty, did you ever see it? Ergh!

Seriously though. Maddy's returned...

Returned?

..a library book on how to get rid of a spotty back.

It's quite useful actually. I might get it out next.

Shannon, have you actually seen a new Woofblood?

Yes! In fact...look! I think I see a wolf!

Really?

-Hello.

-Oh, no, it's just WILF.

I'm always getting my O's and I's mixed up.

Get out, Wilf Breadbin, you're ruining this.

Charming!

Hacker, this sketch is a load of rubbish!

Stick with it, it'll get better. Let's do Scene 2.

Read the next bit.

Will I ever find my one and only, true Woofblood?

Bobby, what was that? Sounds like a wolf!

Really?

Oh, no. It's just Derek McGee in pain.

Ohh! Ohh, me head, me head! I've got a splitting headache...

from howling like a wolf so much!

-Well, stop then!

-Oh, all right.

It's gone, thanks, Bobby, ho-ho!

Keep going, son.

I'm never gonna find Maddy.

I mean...I haven't seen, heard or even smelt a sign that...

PFFT! What's that smell?

It smells...different yet familiar...

almost as if it's left its mark

in the area...yes...it's a wolf!

That ain't no wolf.

HE BREAKS WIND

Oh, Hacker, that was...

This makes no sense. He's never even going to appear!

Yeah, yeah, just stick with it, cocker. It'll be dead emotional.

Rewriting the script.

This is scene 3!

Action!

Oh, I wish Maddy would return.

In fact, if she returned right now, I'd give her a big, sloppy kiss.

-Ah, come on, Hacker!

-Keep reading.

This is ridiculous!

Molly, you've got to help me. Hacker wants me

to do this scene where I kiss him. Can you do something?

Well, I will but only if you will kiss myself, heart-face!

Hi, everyone, it's me, Maddy. I'm back!

I've come to see

my heart-throb boyfriend and fellow Wolfblood, Bobby.

I think I deserve a reet old sloppy kiss!

No, help! Molly wants to kiss me, too!

Pucker up, son!

Oi! He is mine!

No, I'm going to kiss him first.

-No, I am.

-I will.

-I am.

-I will.

-BOTH:

-No, I am!

-Ugh!

-Ugh! Oh!

End scene!

Hey!

Urgh, ugh, look at the state of her!

It's time to go to school!

But don't worry - you ain't likely to learn anything.

It's the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club!

And that is why we never detonate dynamite!

I don't understand basic instructions.

TICKING

-DISTORTED:

-No-o!

# Here me now! Health and safety is an important cause

# You need to stop running in the corridors

# Put your little brew down on a coaster

# And don't put your new shoes in the toaster

# Chill out, mate, I thought you were cool

# Let us do more things around this school

# Don't operate machinery, don't use chain saws

# Actually, it's tricky, given I have paws!

# Graffiti on the walls is not recommended

# Wear science goggles as they were intended

# Never point a stapler in a teacher's direction

# Don't touch wires with a faulty connection

# Don't worry about it, I'm well safe

# Ain't gonna be no accidents in this place

# Can I bring a pet in? Where's that bear?

# And don't lean back, cos I'll pull your chair

# Health and safety

# Is a real ting to me

# Keep it safe, yo!

# Risk management, makes me sing, you see

# Dance with me

# As though bending your knees

# Keep it safe there!

# Actually, Josh, I think you've given me fleas. #

Don't worry, cocker, I'll get rid of 'em!

BOOM!

Oh! Ooh! Oh!

Well, from one piece of explosive television to another.

It's the hair-raising finale

where Hacker likes to say...

Bobby Lockwood, get out!

GET OUT...

Is the name of my great big quiz.

You see, I've decided to get rid of you now

so you'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your normal, heart-throb life.

Get a question right and you'll go up a level.

Get one wrong, and you go back down a level.

When the time is up,

you will either have lit up enough buttons to leave,

or you will end up on one of the weird and wonderful

-floors in the building, like my Dungeon Of Hungry Dragons!

-Hello!

I'm so hungry! Ha-ha!

Is that all clear, cocker?

Um, yeah, I guess so.

Right, you've got until you hear this sound.

IT GROANS WEARILY

Let's get on with it, then. 3, 2, 57, go!

Which of these is a type of wolf?

Is it A, canis lupis youngi, or B, canis lupis oldie?

Er, the first one.

Correct, it is, A, canis lupis youngi. Next question.

Wolfbloods are famously harder, better, faster, stronger.

But which band had a hit single with that very title?

-Daft Punk.

-Correct, cockle!

My close friend and confidante Harry Ton-gue has been spending some

quality sofa time on which top-notch programme?

Is it A, The One Show, or B, BBC Breakfast?

-BBC Breakfast.

-Ooh, let's see if you're right.

Well, joining us now to discuss the plight of polystyrene cups

in today's society is Mr Harry Tongue. A very good morning to you.

Lovely to meet you. And I understand you've had many

crushing experiences during your life.

Well, if you're not going to talk about it... Pathetic!

Right! Now get away from me, Ton-gue, ah!

You're doing well, Bobby.

Keep this up and you'll be out of here, cockle. Look at this picture.

Which Wolfblood star have I wolfed up?

BOBBY LAUGHS

-That is Bill Fellows.

-Yeah, but who does he play?

-He plays Bernie.

Correct! Ting!

Only one to go. You're doing well, me old cockle. Right, next one.

Which sporting theme tune is Wilf Breadbin howling to?

HE HUMS THE "MATCH OF THE DAY" THEME

-That was Match of the Day.

-Correctamundo!

Get out!

Many, many congratulations, Bobby.

You answered enough questions correctly to leave

and be free from this horrific place.

So, get out!

See you later, Hacker.

-Get out, go on. Yes!

-Come on.

-Any last words, Bobby?

-Actually, now you mention it, I'd like to...

Ha-ha-ha! What a lovely gentleman, with a great head of hair.

Thanks for joining me today, cockers.

I am off to listen to some whale song and have a nice little bath.

What's that? You want to hear me sing the end song?

All right, stop asking, I'll do it!

# And that is it, we're now at the end of the show

# I need the lav, love, so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time, cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top-drawer

# Bobby Lockwood was my guest, he's the heart-throb from Wolfblood

# We had a chat about his award

# Which he only sent to me because I'm not very good

# That is it, we're now at the end of the show

# I need the lav, love, so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary, it's called Hacker Time! #

That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

I'm so hungry! Heh-heh!