Perri & Jordan Hacker Time

Hacker Time is based on actual events...

that haven't actually happened.

Bad news, people.

The CBBC bosses have told us that we're not relevant to children!

Irrelevant?! Oh, I'm so angry!

It makes me want to fax a letter to someone!

FAX MACHINE SCREECHES

Apparently we're not fashionable enough.

So I've been given a list of buzz words to make us more with it.

First on the list - we need to be cool.

I'm very cool.

Well done, Herman. I can tick that off the list. Next up - are we hip?

Oh, I know all about hips.

I've broken mine nine times this year.

BONE BREAKS Oh! Aaargh! There it goes again!

Excellento! We also need to be phat, as in sick.

HACKER CHOMPS

Well, if Hacker keeps eating all those doughnuts, he'll be fat

and sick in no time!

Oh, I think I'm going to throw...

Next up - are we bad?

Oh, this is definitely bad, Derek.

It's one of the worst programmes I've ever seen.

Well, in that case it's time to get on with making the coolest, hippest,

fattest, sickest, baddest programme on television!

What's television?

I have no idea! Hoo-hoooo!

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good there's outtakes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! You can't touch. #

Hacker Time!

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five, four,

three, two, one...

Cue Hacker!

Good day to you! And welcome to Hacker Time.

In today's show we've got a couple of top notch dancers.

I taught them everything they know.

Aargh!

Trouble is, I taught them everything they know about A-level physics!

Before we meet them, Wilf, go and catch them, will you?

I'm going to, erm...wait down here. Oh!

Hiya. Are you all right? We're Jordan and Perri from Diversity.

We're here for our meeting about the new dance programme.

-Oh, yes, yes, it's this way, lads. This way, in the lift.

-No, no...

-No, mate, no, this way normally, mate.

-No, go on.

-Don't argue, mate.

-Mate, that's the wrong way.

-Heee...

Down.

Pel! Pel!

LIFT DINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Perri and Jordan!

All right, Perri and Jordan, me old cockers! You're on Hacker Time!

Hacker Time? No, mate, we refuse, we're not doing it.

No, no, no, if you stay I'll erm... let you borrow my nit comb.

-How dare you! I don't even have nits.

-Ha-ha, you do now, cocker.

That lift's full of 'em. Ha-ha! Derek, the fact file!

Right you are, Hacker.

Perri and Jordan are members of the dynamic dance troupe Diversity.

They all found fame when they won Britain's Got Talent

with their awesome synchronised squatting.

Perri is most commonly known as the little one at the front

with the hair, whilst Jordan is known as one of the taller ones

at the back. Ho-ho!

Most recently Perri won celebrity diving show Splash!,

where he got to bring out his hideous collection

of swimming trunks.

And that's not all you need to know about Perri and Jordan.

Inspirational. But enough about me. Perri and Jordan...

THEY CHAT QUIETLY

Perri and Jordan!

What's the meaning of this?!

He's just so, you know...

Oh, he may be annoying, but he's got a heart of gold.

Right! Whatever Herman's saying, don't listen to him.

It's all lies, I tell you!

-But Herman was just saying how great you are.

-Oh...

Well, that puts me in a funny position, doesn't it cocker,

cos you've left me with no reason to fire you, Herman. Never mind that.

Herman, you're fired! Now get out of it!

-Bye, boys.

-Go on, go away.

Don't speak to them. Go on.

You sicken me, Herman. I'm sorry you had to see that, cockers.

Anyway, before we dance our way through the rest of the show,

we need to get warmed up. Larry - the menu!

Nyaaaaaahhhh!

Make sure you've done your stretches, because today's

episode is going to flip you in the air and drop you on your head.

Not literally, of course.

Coming up - Jordan reveals his secret to success.

-Dream, believe, achieve.

-Achieve.

Sir Loinsteak reveals his unique talent...

PHRRRT!

..and the Opinion Parlour is as revealing as ever.

Pam from Senegal likes the conga.

All this and more on Hacker Time!

Perri and Jordan, it's time now for my big interview.

Are you ready, cockers?

-Uh... We think so.

-Yeah, we're ready.

Now, you guys won Britain's Got Talent back in 2009

-with Diversity, didn't you?

-Yes, we did.

Does that mean you never got much experience of getting buzzed

with that loud annoying judges' buzzer?

-Uh...

-No, we never got buzzed once.

BUZZ!

Ha-ha-ha! Buzzed you.

That's not fair.

Moving on. Perri, when you first appeared on BGT,

-we all got to know you as the little one at the front.

-Yes.

That was five years ago, cocker.

Now we all know you as the little one at the front.

Are you sure you're getting enough fruit and veg?

-I'm getting taller, actually.

-He has got tall.

-Have you got taller?

-You're not much bigger than that buzzer.

I am 1.5 feet!

You two are quite similar...

-Now, you lads have got all the moves, haven't you?

-Yeah.

Let's have a look.

Lovely stuff there, lads, but what's your favourite move?

-It's one of yours.

-Oh, is it?

-Yes, it's...

"Aaaahh!"

It's a good move, that. "Nyaaahh!"

-There he is. Look.

-I'm not on that level yet.

Well, my favourite move was when I moved to number 63.

-Look at it, cocker.

-Oh.

It was a lovely two-bedroom semi with a gazebo in the garden.

-It looks nice.

-Looks beautiful, mate.

-Had rising damp in me extension.

-Oh. Not good.

Jordan, Diversity are a very influential dance troupe

but what I want to know is, do you have a motto?

-A motto? We do.

-What is it?

-Our motto is dream, believe, achieve.

-Yeah.

So it's something we've always believed in,

and it's got us here talking to you, Hacker,

-so it's a pretty good thing to believe in.

-That's very good, cocker.

-Tell you what, though, I've got a motto for this show.

-What is it?

It's this. Ahem...

Try, fail, give up.

CYMBAL CLASHES

Hacker, mate, that is the wrong attitude.

-Remember, dream, believe, achieve.

-Achieve!

I will, Jordan. I believe!

I believe!

-I believe it would be best to give up on this interview.

-Oh.

Now, you lads have started presenting as a double act,

haven't you? What's that been like?

-It's been pretty cool.

-It's been good fun.

We've travelled all over the place

-and I'm enjoying time with Mr Banjo right here.

-Aw! Mr Banjo!

Is that cos he's got a big round face?

Well, let's see how good you are, then, shall we?

-Perri, introduce yourself to the camera.

-No problem.

Hi, guys. I'm Perri Kiely from Diversity and...

BUZZ!

Ha-ha-ha! Buzzed you!

-Ha!

-That was good. That was good, there's no point buzzing...

Jordan, you're next.

Hi, guys. I'm Jordan Banjo from the dance group Diversity...

BUZZ!

Ha-ha-ha! Buzzed you! You were buzzed, cockers!

Buzzy buzzy buzz-buzz! Ha-ha-ha!

Now, Jordan, as a special surprise,

we've got your big brother on the show. Come on in.

Dream, believe, achieve, boys.

Dream, believe, achieve.

Moving words there from A Banjo.

I don't quite understand

how your mother gave birth to a musical instrument.

Hacker, my brother is Ashley Banjo, not A Banjo.

-Let's move on.

-Yes.

-When you won Britain's Got Talent,

you got to dance at the Royal Variety Performance in front of

-true royalty, the most influential woman in the country.

-Yes.

Yes, and I loved it.

Not you! Get out, Mother!

-That's not very nice.

-Talking of heads of state,

Perri, you had a bit of an accident

when you performed in front of the Prime Minister,

didn't you? What happened?

We were dancing... Thanks for bringing it up, by the way.

-That's all right.

-We were dancing and I slipped and I hit my head,

-so yeah, I had a bit of an accident.

-Very funny.

-Oh, that's bad.

But it has happened to the best of us.

I mean, I once had a nasty accident down Downing Street.

URINATING

Oh, no. That's embarrassing!

But at least I didn't slip and fall.

Aagh!

Who left this urine here?

And then I was banished from the British Empire for 970 years.

-Gross.

-Perri, you little scamp, "you're in Splash!"

-Yes, I was.

No, "urine splash". I've left a bit of widdle under the desk.

-Sorry about that.

-Oh, that's gross!

Seriously, though, you must have learned a few things about diving.

Is there any safety advice

you'd give someone who wanted to give it a go?

OK, number one - no belly flopping.

All right, all right, don't go on about it! It can't be that hard.

Hacker, are you sure that's safe, mate?

Nope, but anyway, here I go.

Herman, you did remember to fill that barrel with water, didn't you?

What barrel?

Here goes nothing.

Aaagh...

Oh!

Oh! He missed the barrel completely!

Perri and Jordan, I'm sorry you had to see that.

If only you'd given me some safety advice.

I think we're about done here.

Larry, why don't you tell us what's next?

Oh-oh-oh!

Ever wondered what TV talent shows looked like in medieval times?

Well, now you can find out in the latest episode of A Knight's Tail.

Monday in Trumpalot, and merriment filled the air.

Hoo-hoo! There you are, dear. You're just in time to see the new jester.

He's an edgy comedian.

FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Ahem. I say, I say, I say.

-What looks disgusting...

-Yes?

-..smells of poo...

-Yes?

..and sits around all day on its big pimply bum-bum?

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

The Queen.

LAUGHTER

O, rare!

It's funny cos it's edgy.

-I have a joke myself, jester.

-Hmm?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The executioner!

The executioner...

Hah!

I don't get it.

Good folk of Trumpalot, welcome to Kingdom Hath Talent,

my search for a new jester.

ALL: Hurray!

Send in the first act.

For my first trick, I shall saw King Derek McGee in half.

DRUM ROLL

SAWING

-Ta-da!

-Hoo!

APPLAUSE

Now put me back together.

Oh, sorry, mate. I don't know how to do that.

I'm afraid it's a no from me.

And me.

And me.

HE YELLS

-No.

-No!

-No.

ALL: No!

Argh!

I'm doing this to make my pet gibbon proud.

She lost her eyes, nose, chin and ears

in a freak custard-based accident.

If I can bring a smile back to what's left of her face,

it will all be worthwhile.

Very moving. Now, what's your act?

Oh! I don't have an act. Just a tragic back-story.

# So different now from what it seemed

# Now life has killed the dream

# I dreamed. #

THEY SOB

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bravo, Sir Cumference, bravo!

I pity the poor soul who has to follow that.

FANFARE

Well... This is going to be terrible.

DRUM ROLL

ARMPIT PARPS

THEY CHEER

That is the most spectacular thing I've ever seen!

You shall be my new jester.

ALL: Hurrah!

Now entertain me.

ARMPIT PARPS

No. Do something else.

ARMPIT PARPS

That does it. Sir Loinsteak, come here.

Yeah?

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

The executioner!

The executioner who?

Oh, knickers.

Hah!

What am I like?

I still don't get it.

I had a moderately nice time making that.

Are you having a moderately nice time?

We're having a really good time. It's been loads...

BUZZ!

Ha-ha! Moving on. We're off to the Opinion Parlour now. Is that OK?

-Yeah, that's fine with us...

-BUZZ!

Ha-ha... I'm sorry.

Wilf, Herman, read some e-mails while we sort this out, will you?

Do you forgive me?

Welcome to the Opinion Parlour.

In honour of dancers Jordan and Perri,

we've been asking you to tell us about your best moves.

Yeah, and Anne from Eccles says

that her best move was when she moved the telly against the wall,

so she didn't have to watch this any more.

I'd turn the telly around if I had to watch me.

John from Somerset has moved himself to tears having to watch Hacker Time.

Lovely. Thanks for writing in, John.

And Pam from Senegal likes the conga.

CHATTERING ON HEADSET

Hmm? Oh.

Onto the phones.

I'm pleased to announce that we've had a record number of calls.

Yes. Three in total!

CHATTERING ON HEADSET

Oh. They were all wrong numbers.

That's almost it for today's thrilling Opinion Parlour,

and in honour of Pam from Senegal, we're going to conga out.

Bye!

CONGA MUSIC

CRACK!

-Oh!

-What is it?

Oh, me hip's gone again!

This is all Pam's fault.

What a pointless item. Particularly because I'm not in it.

Anyway, Perri and Jordan, I wanted to ask, has it been nice

being able to share all your success with your Diversity team-mates?

-Yeah.

-Definitely. I think it's very, very important to be in a team.

-We love it.

-I have some feelings on the matter.

Allow me to demonstrate via the medium of song. Oh!

POWER BALLAD MUSIC

# I've lived my whole life enjoying the limelight every day

# My fans all adore me

# I'm normally showered with praise

# But something occurs to me

# I've no-one to share my huge victory

# I can't forget my dream

# To stand on stage as a whole team

# To dance with a group

# To be flung through a loop

# I want to be part of a famous dance troupe

# This is the one thing he hopes to achieve

# To do the splits

# Make the robot a hit

# To be flung in the air so high that I am sick

# To be part of a group

# To dance in a troupe. #

-What do you think, cockers?

-Do you know what, that was pretty good.

I think I'll have a word with the Diversity boys

and hopefully, we'll be able to get you in the group.

No, thanks. I prefer to work on my own.

-But you literally just said...

-Larry, the menu!

We're dancing our way to your hearts,

because still to come on today's Hacker Time...

Hacker and the boys are getting along famously...

-I think we should have some sort of discussion about this.

-No.

-Derek tries a new look...

-You know what I mean?

And we say bonjour to a French-themed Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.

All this still to come on Hacker Time.

There are four reasons why we got a fourth series of Hacker Time,

and here they are. Ahem.

Reason one - it's cheap.

Reason two - I'm cheap. Reason three...

Oh, sounds boring.

Reason four...

Well, that's enough of that, isn't it, Derek?

-Derek?

-Whassup, blud?

Derek, what's happened to you?

Just rolling with me homies, you know what I mean?

But why?

Just following my idols, you know what I mean?

Of course I know what you mean! You don't need to keep checking.

So where did you get the idea to dress like...that?

Mostly, I just copy my idol, you know what I mean?

Well, who is this idol of yours?

Pharrell Williams? Harry Styles? will.i.am?

No, blud. Me mother, innit?

Innit! You know what I mean?

Oh, my days.

Come on, D-man. It's time for beatboxing class.

-You know what I mean?

-Oh, yes.

THEY BEATBOX

Wait for me.

You know what I mean? Isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's finally time to actually learn something,

because it's time for...

Word. This is your opportunity

to find out how to become really talented,

which is why I've prepared this short monologue about my success.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is about talent? Move aside, Hacker.

And we're going to teach everyone how to become a good dancer

-in a few easy steps.

-Hang on!

-I think we should have some sort of discussion about this.

-No.

Talent tip number one...

Now, safety is very important, so before you start dancing,

have a look around and make sure

there's nothing near you that can hurt you.

For example, you can check by waving your arms around like this.

I can't see any obstacles around here.

Apart from that precariously balanced vase and those mousetraps.

But I'm sure they won't get in the waaay!

SMASHING

MOUSETRAPS SNAP

Oh! Ow!

That really hurt!

Let's move on.

-SNAP!

-Oh!

To be in a group like Diversity,

you have to be really strong to make sure you can do all the flips.

So using weights can really help to build those muscles.

Hurray. No problem, cocker.

I'm dead strong, ain't I? Look.

Hnngh! Hmmnngh!

Actually, it's quite heavy, this one. Hnnngh!

Hacker, yours is made of foam, mate.

What? Aaagh!

-MOUSETRAPS SNAP

-Oh!

I think you'd better move on.

If you're going to be in a dance group like Diversity,

you need to trust each other 100%, like this.

-Hacker, you want to have a go at catching Perri?

-I'd love to.

You can trust me 100%.

I will not let you down.

-All right.

-Let's do it.

-Here goes.

Oh, look, mousetraps!

I could do with cleaning those up, couldn't I, really?

MOUSETRAPS SNAP

Where did he go? Oh, well.

Forget him. Let's move on.

And finally, you've got to practise, practise, practise

until you can do this.

Your turn, Hacker.

MOUSETRAPS SNAP

Oh! Ah!

Yes, Hacker, well done, that's actually really good.

Where'd you learn to dance like that?

I wasn't dancing. The floor's still covered in mousetraps.

It was agony, cocker!

Do you know what? I don't get this. This is really weird.

You've taken, I'm about dancing, and now it's all about mousetraps.

Why do you even have so many?

Because we've got a real problem with mice in this studio.

They can't get the triple step right.

Everyone knows it's quick, quick, slow! Get out, you stupid mouse!

-Jordan, we should not have agreed to do this show, mate.

-No, let's go.

How rude!

I think it's perfectly obvious who's got the talent around here.

Everyone knows you shouldn't wear a rose scarlet top against red sash.

Aagh!

MOUSETRAPS SNAP

Over to you, Larry.

Do you like exciting school drama

mixed with spectacular musical numbers?

Oh, well, never mind.

Here's a Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club instead.

KEYBOARD CLACKS

Ah, Josh! I've called you in to give you some good news.

We have got a French exchange student coming to stay with you.

He's called Pierre.

I don't like the French!

Josh, what are you talking about?

# I've heard that the French eat frogs' legs and snails

# They ride around on bikes yelling, "Onions for sale"

# They all smell of garlic and favour a beret. #

Josh, they're all stupid stereotypes. These are things you must not say.

# I bet this bloke Pierre, he goes, "Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw!"

# He'll have a big moustache in the shape of handlebars

# He'll be eating smelly cheeses every single hour

# And moulding bits of Roquefort into the Eiffel Tower

# Josh, you're wrong, just open your eyes and meet the real French

# and you'll be surprised. You can't presume you know it all

# What you've said makes you look like a fool

# Before you meet Pierre, how can you know?

# Try out your French, just give it a go!

# Embrace the culture and then you'll see

# There's loads to love like baguettes and brie

# I suppose I've been a little mean.

# Let's take French - "Ou est la piscine?"

# Like bonjour, au revoir and "Ou est la gare?"

# Soutien Gorge is French for bra!

# Excusez-moi, je voudrais une glace vanille, chocolat ou ananas

# Vive la France! #

Oh, I can't wait to meet Pierre now.

E-MAIL TONE

Ah. I've just had an e-mail from Pierre.

He says he doesn't want to meet you any more

because he's heard British people eat roast beef for every meal

-and they talk about the weather all day long.

-Oh, how wrong he is!

BELL RINGS

Ooh! Lunchtime! I really fancy a roast beef sandwich.

In this weather?!

It's finally here! The moment you've all been waiting for -

and no, I'm not talking about the end of the show.

It's quiz time, folks. Take it away, Hacker.

Perri and Jordan... Get Out!

It's the name of the next bit of the show. It's my dead good game show.

-Are you ready, cockers?

-We are ready.

I've tired of both of you for one day, so you'll be fighting

to go back to being thrown around by your Diversity mates.

-Is that all right?

-That's fine.

Get a question right and you'll go up a level.

Get one wrong and you'll go back down a level, and when the time's up

you either leave or end up on one of my other weird and wonderful floors.

One of them houses Jeff Jeffington, the world's most boring man.

-What do you think about that?

-Not good, but we won't end up there.

-Yeah, well, you've got until you hear this sound...

-You mooey!

Without further ado,

three, two, backflip, go!

Perri, your name sounds like berry. Which of these is not a berry?

Is it A - banana, or B - strawberry?

-Banana.

-Incorrect!

The answer is B - strawberry. Look it up, cocker, it's true.

Which of these dances is also an eel?

Is it A - rumba, B - conga,

C - tango?

-Tango.

-Incorrect.

The answer's B - conga. Conger eel.

Which member of Diversity's name is an anagram of "hen lays a job"?

"Hen lays a job".

Ashley Banjo.

Correct! Hey, doing well now.

On which news programme did my good friend Harry Tongue,

that's him right here, make headlines this week?

Is it A - Six O'Clock News,

B - Newsnight, or C - Newsround?

-Newsround.

-Let's find out if you're right. Look at the screen, cocker.

We've just had some breaking news.

Sorry, Harry.

-Yeah!

-Oh, correct. You're making a good recovery,

like Harry did after that incident. Off you pop, Harry.

Right, the next question is this.

Your motto is dream, believe, achieve.

But can you remember what my motto was from earlier in the show?

Do you remember?

Try, fail, give up.

-Correct, cocker!

-Yay!

Now, which Splash! star have we McGeed in this picture?

Look at that over there.

Who's that?

-Vernon Kay!

-Correct!

-Yeah!

The next question is this.

Catch this!

-Correct!

-Get out!

You lit up all the buttons to the ground floor,

so you are allowed to leave.

-Yes!

-It's been lovely having you here, cockers.

-Now, get out!

-All right. See you later, Hacker.

-Bye.

Hey, Perri and Jordan,

have you anything you'd like to say before you go?

Actually, I'd like to say...

Ha-ha-ha! Thank goodness they've gone.

I'm off now for a wild night with my well cool dance mates...

We're playing cards with a hot chocolate,

then we're going to have an early night.

But before that, it's time for me to sing my song, cocker!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# The boys from Diversity, they got right in the groove

# They tried to show me a thing or two

# But I think I proved for definite that I've got all the moves

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

HE WHISTLES

CRACK!

Not again!

CRACK!