Deborah Meaden Hacker Time

Hacker Time is brought to you in association with

Noshworld Supermarkets.

Hoo-hoo! Look, everyone!

Our first sponsorship cheque from Noshworld Supermarkets!

They're giving us loads of money as long as we mention their name

at every possible opportunity. Hoo-hoo!

Yeah, but remember, Derek, we're not allowed advertising on the BBC.

We're going to have to be subtle about it.

Oh, no problem, Lorraine, I've secretly replaced my trademark

chequered top with this Noshworld T-shirt!

Ooh-hoo! Very good, Wilf, that's the spirit! Ho-ho!

And I've had Noshworld tattooed on my forehead.

Herman!

What are you doing? We'll never get away with that!

Yeah, that's way too obvious. Don't you agree, Hacker?

Yes, I do!

Hoo-hoo! Perfect, Hacker!

Right, let's move on to something different and entirely unrelated.

Point two on the agenda. Our annual boardroom sing-along.

Here we go!

# If you like nosh for very little dosh get down to Noshworld

# More nosh for your dosh. #

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this! #

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

Thank you for watching me

It's telly, but not what you normally see

It feels good, there's outtakes too

Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

So sit back - don't move too much

This is the show. Ah! You can't touch.

Hacker time!

Thank you.

Stand by then, everyone.

We're on air in five, four, three, two...

SHEEP BAAS

-One.

-Cue Hacker!

Y'all right, cockers?

Welcome to Hacker Time! In association with Noshworld.

Remember. Spend your dosh on our lovely nosh. I do have to say that.

Anyway, today's show is all about business.

Which reminds me, I've left my business somewhere round here.

-Herman! Clean it up for me, will you?

-Yes, Mr Hacker!

Where it is exactly?

SQUELCHING

Oh. I got it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's time to get on with the show now, cockers.

My special guest should be arriving any minute now.

Not that she knows it yet.

-Hello. Hi, I'm Deborah Meaden, I'm here for Dragons' Den.

-Oh, look!

-Is it Debbie Meaden, is it?

-Deborah Meaden.

Come on, Debs, get in the lift, love.

-No, I'm sure it's that way, I...

-They've moved it.

-No, I've been here before.

-Did you not get the memo?

-Get in the lift, love.

-No, I'm sure it's...

Damn.

Help!

Anyone, help!

-Help!

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Anyone!

-..It's Deborah Meaden!

-Y'all right, Deborah? You're on Hacker Time!

-Hacker Time?

I'm supposed to be on Dragons' Den, not Hacker Time. I'm sorry, I'm out.

But Deborah! Don't go, you'll love it here!

And I smell much better than Duncan Bannatyne. Have a whiff.

-Mmm. Oh, you've got a point. Actually, I'm in.

-Hurray!

Glad we got that sorted, cocker. Let's get on with the show. Derek!

-The fact file!

-Coming right up, Hacker.

Deborah Meaden is a woman who is not quite as scary as she looks.

Although she does look pretty scary here.

She's best-known for being on Dragons' Den,

where she talks about business, then gives people her money.

I'm pretty sure none of them are real dragons, though.

She also invested some of her time into Strictly Come Dancing,

where she was partnered with a very rude man,

who refused to take his hat off indoors.

And that's everything you need to know about Deborah Meaden.

What an informative fact file.

I feel like I've known you for years, Barbara. I mean Deborah.

Deborah?

INDISTINCT

DEBORAH!

Herman, you oaf, get away from that dragon!

Hey, Deborah, do you remember that idea of mine that you invested in?

Yeah, the automatic bogey-picking machine.

-It picks, rolls, and flicks, so you don't have to!

-Yeah.

Well, it turns out I made four million quid from it!

Herman, you're a genius!

You must be one of the best entrepreneurs in the country!

Oh, Deborah, you're making me go red.

Hey, Herman! I've got a good business idea for you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, mind your own business!

-Now get out of it, Herman!

-Yes, Mr Hacker.

-Bye, Deborah.

-Don't wave at him!

HE WHINES

Now that waste of space is gone,

let's get on with the show, cocker. Larry, the menu.

Oh, today's Hacker Time is so full of lols and entertainment,

it'll make you shout, "I'm in!"

Coming up - Hacker and Deborah start a ventriloquist act.

You are putting words in my mouth.

Aagh!

There's something scary in the kingdom of Trumpalot.

Sorry, dear. I just got out of the shower.

And get yourself down to Noshworld,

where tonight pilchards are buy-74-get-one-free!

-Was that subtle enough, Derek?

-Very good. Hoo-hoo!

Ooh, it's going to be a dead good programme today, Deborah.

I can feel it in me waters.

Or maybe I just need the lav-lav, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I'm now going to interview in a clever and dead good way.

-Are you ready, Deborah Meaden?

-I'm ready!

-She's ready, hurrah!

And I promise it won't be as boring as getting into a conversation

with Peter Jones. I mean...

-You can't say that!

-..What a dull man.

-You cannot say that!

-The man's dull! And tall!

It's the worst combination, Deborah. Dulltall, I call them, that lot.

-OK, he's tall, I'll give you he's tall.

-Ahem. Question one.

I've seen you on the telly a lot, sitting on chairs

and telling people that they can't have any of your cash.

But what do you actually do for a job?

-EVAN DAVIS:

-It's a strong start for the six-year-old dog from Wigan.

But will leisure-magnate Deborah Meaden find the slightly

rubbish line of questioning in any way amusing?

I don't find that slightly rubbish line of questioning

-in any way amusing.

-Ah.

It's a crushing blow for the irritating pooch.

Will he be able to regain his composure

and respond with a more pertinent question?

Oi, you, quiet!

Sorry, Hacker.

-Does he follow you everywhere?

-I'm afraid he does.

Sling your hook, Evan Davis! This is my show! Ooh! Right. Next question.

Duncan Bannatyne.

How do you understand what the man's talking about?

I've been in Dragons' for... It's my 11th series, now.

-I haven't understood anything he's said since the beginning.

-Ha-ha!

-He's a bumbling mess, in't he?

-You are putting words in my mouth!

As well as Dragons' Den,

-you also appeared on Strictly Come Dancing, cocker.

-I did.

-Did you enjoy the experience?

-I loved it! I had the best time.

Hey, Deborah, do you remember that time when Tess and Robin

turned up to your party wearing the same coloured dress as you.

Look at that! I mean, look, what a hideous clash of purples!

Don't remind me. That was my last dance, don't remind me of that.

Seriously, though.

After doing all that dancing, and considering you're on Dragons' Den,

I'd like to know, which is your favourite dance, cocker?

Is it the cha-cha-ching? Cha-ching! Cha-ching!

Cos you're on Dragons' Den and that's about money and that.

Cha-ching!

I think jokes are better when you don't have to explain them, Hacker.

Yes. It's a struggle calling

-that one a joke, to be honest.

-Yeah...

Right, Deborah, I'd like some of your money,

so here's an investment idea for you.

The world's first silent radio!

What's the point in that?

You just turn it on when you want peace and quiet, cocker.

-That's terrible. I'm out.

-I'm in!

-Out.

-In!

-Out.

# Shake it all about

# You do the hokey-cokey and you turn around

# And that's what it's all about. #

I've told you, get out!

Right, next question. Do you remember when I was the chairman

of the Dragons' Den social committee?

-No.

-Ha-ha! Have a look at this, cockers!

Right, everyone. I'm sorting out the Dragons' Den weekly sleepover.

Deborah, are you in?

I'm out.

-Duncan?

-I'm out.

Peter?

-I'm going to declare myself out.

-Guys, come on!

There will be pizza!

I'm smitten. You're lovely, you're charming...

Thank you. Thank you very much. Right. Shall we say two quid each?

THEY ARGUE

Mayhem erupts in the den as a full-blown financial argument

breaks out amongst the dragons.

Forget the pizza then, shall we?

Let's just get a curry.

-I'm out.

-What do you think, cocker?

Thought you did a great job.

-We were fighting over you at the end.

-It was great, that.

Actually, that reminds me.

Kelly Hoppen hasn't coughed up the two quid for last week's

bingo night. She's always the same, that woman. I'm off for my bunts.

Over to you, Larry. Oi, Hoppen, you owe me some dosh!

Time for another thrilling episode of our medieval drama

A Knight's Tale.

And today there are some spooky goings-on

in the Kingdom of Trumpalot.

It was Wednesday in Trumpalot and dawn followed a windy night.

HE FARTS

Oh, sorry, Dawn.

It smells of cabbage!

Meanwhile, the Queen had woken...

SCREAMING

..to a terrifying sight.

Aaaaaaagh!

I've never seen anything so horrific in all my days!

Sorry, dear. I just got out of the shower.

I wasn't talking about you.

I think this room is...

..haunted.

Aagh!

Aaaaaaaagh!

And that's why I'm trusting you to get to the bottom of this.

Ha-ha! You said bottom.

-Your Majesty, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

-Good.

Because there's only one way to find this ghost.

You must both spend the night in my haunted bedroom.

BOTH: Aaaagh!

Sorry! Me again. Hoo-hoo!

Ha-ha! I can see his bottom!

WOLF HOWLS

Right, I'm sure we've got nothing to worry about.

So let's just rest our weary heads.

-Night.

-What?

-I was just saying, "Night."

-I know I'm a knight, what of it?

Just go to sleep.

-Night.

-WHAT?

-Good night.

-I know I'm a good knight, but what do you want?

-I'm just saying, "Good night."

-To who?

-To you, to you!

-Hoo-hoo! Was that an owl?

-Oh, get out of here, King Derek McGee.

Yeah, and put some clothes on.

Hoo-hoo! Night.

What?

Now, let's just get some sleep.

Woo! Good night!

Night!

NIGHT!

Woooooo!

BOTH: Aaaaaaaagh!

Aagh, aagh, aagh, aaagh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

BOTH: Aaaaaagh!

He went that way!

Which way?

Well, don't ask me, I haven't got any hands!

Woooooh!

BENNY HILL STYLE CHASE MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH: Aaagh!

Wooooo!

BOTH: Aaaaaagh!

Aaagh, aaagh, aaagh!

-Should be safe in here.

-Yeah.

CONGA MUSIC PLAYS

Ey, it's good this, in't it, cocker?

Wooooo!

-Huh?

-Gah!

Right. That's it. I've had enough.

Time to find out who you really are.

-Queen!

-Queen!

ALL: Queen!

Yes, and I would have got away with it

if it wasn't for you pesky knights.

D'oh!

We should've known all along! There's no such thing as ghosts!

Oooooh, really?

HE WHINES

ALL: Aaaaaaaagh!

What's wrong with them? I'm not that scary.

Oooooh, aaaaagh!

Hoo-hoo! What am I like? Ha-ha!

What a load of old tat that was, wasn't it?

Anyway, Deborah, big stars like me and you, eh?

It's important that we don't lose sight of our fans, in't it?

-Oh, absolutely.

-Yeah.

They're the people that put us where we are today, aren't they?

-And we must remember that, mustn't we?

-Absolutely.

But obviously I'm way too important to deal with them meself.

I'm a big star for goodness' sake. I'm not talking to the public, am I?

Pah! So I've got a couple of no-hopers to read my viewers letters

and that for me. Wilf, Herman, over to you!

Thank you, Hacker.

This is the Opinion Parlour, the place where we

-look at your comments and e-mails about the programme.

-Yeah.

And in honour of Deborah Meaden,

we've been asking you guys at home for your business ideas.

Anne from Eccles has tweeted, "I've got a good idea."

Oh, yes?

"You two should get off my telly. You're a load of rubbish." Huh.

Thank you, Anne. Lovely to hear from you again.

And this next letter comes from a Mr...

D McGee who lives in the, eh, gallery.

He says,

"Make up an e-mail telling everyone to buy all their food at Noshworld.

"They'll give us loads of money

"if we make up an e-mail from them."

Oh, what's wrong with him?

That's all from the Opinion Parlour for the moment, but remember,

if you want to let us know your comments about Hacker Time,

just phone this number:

Hey, Wilf, would you like some of this pizza?

I'll have a bit later. Yeah, save us the edges.

How do you open the box?

I'll tell you in a minute. Back to you, Hacker! Just force it open...

They really are terrible, them two. But they're cheap.

I bet it's the same with Duncan and Peter, in't it?

You leave the dragons out of this! You're not...

-You leave them, they're good guys.

-They're good guys. I bet they are.

Right, Deborah, I'm now going to wow you with a song

because I'm a dead good singer and that, you know.

I think you might like this one.

It's all about Dragons' Den and everything.

And if you don't like it, I'd rather you didn't mention it, cocker. Oh!

# I think that Peter Jones is too tall

# Don't like the way that Kelly's hair curls

# Can't understand what Duncan says

# I like someone else instead

# My favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden

# So let me tell you where I am at

# She knows all about money and that

# She always brightens up the day and forget the boring businessmen

# My favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden, hah

# She'll grill you on your figures

# Scrutinise your profit and loss

# You won't get anything past her

# So be sure that you do not make her cross

# If I ever had an idea

# My investor of choice would be clear

# Now, Duncan, Kelly, Peter, Piers that awful lot bore me to tears

# My favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden

# Oh, yes, my favourite dragon's Deborah Meaden

# And that's my song for Deborah Meaden. #

HE WARBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What do you think, cocker?

-Love it, love it.

-Thank you very much.

-Mon plaisure, me old cocker.

Hey, Deborah. Good news. We're only halfway through the show, cockers.

-Larry, the menu, please.

-Still to come on today's Hacker Time.

Georgie's back and he's sounding flat.

Have you got a puncture in your air bag or summat, George?

Hacker shows him how it's done in the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

And is Deborah about to fall for Hacker's rubbish business ideas?

-I'll give you £5,000. No, £10,000!

-Don't go away!

Here are my thoughts on toast. Now, I'm partial to a bit of toast.

Oh, well, that's quite enough of that rubbish.

Hey, Lolly, look what I've been given!

Two tickets for tonight's big launch!

Noshworld are throwing a party to celebrate

their exciting new product - cabbage-flavoured ham!

But will your mother let you go, Derek?

You know she doesn't like you leaving the house.

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly. I'm Derek McGee!

And nothing or no-one is going to stop me!

-Derek!

-Mother!

-What's all this about a party?

-I've not said you can go out.

-Oh, Mother!

-I think you and I should go instead, Lolly.

-You betcha, Derek's mother!

But... Mother, Mother. Will you at least bring me

some cabbage-flavoured ham back?

-You know what your wind is like when you eat too much cabbage!

-Mother!

I don't do things like that!

HE FARTS

Hoo-hoo! Maybe I do. Back to you, Larry!

HE FARTS

Hoo-hoo!

Ladies and gentleman, forget Dragons' Den,

it's time to enter Hacker's Hovel!

-EVAN DAVIS:

-It's a new day in the hovel,

and Deborah Meaden is looking to invest some of her millions.

So let's just hope a total fool doesn't walk in

and waste everybody's time.

Y'all right, cockers?

I would like £1 million!

-What for?

-No, I don't need four.

One'll be fine, cocker.

No, I mean what for? I don't just give away money.

In Dragons' Den,

people come in and pitch invention ideas in order to get investment.

-So what's your idea?

-Oh, yes! The idea.

Nil ye fret, cockers, I have a mighty fine invention for ye.

It is an ingenious helmet that prevents me from feeling

any pain and I would like £1 million for a stake in my company.

-Right, show me how it works.

-All right, cocker.

I shall strike myself on the bonce with an oversized comedy mallet

and feel nil pain!

Ah-ha-ha!

METALLIC CLANG

BIRDS TWITTER

-You all right, Hacker?

-Yeah. I'm fine.

You look nice today, Duncan.

-Duncan? I'm out.

-I'm out cold, cocker!

THUD

Hacker's time in the hovel has gone from bad to worse,

much like the script for this show.

Will this sketch never end?

Right then. Due to the large amount of debt I've run up funding

my touring musical Yonko Live And Unbuttoned,

I need this investment and I will not take no for an answer.

No.

Oh, budgies! Look, there's only one thing for it.

I will have to wow you with a series of fantastic invention

ideas in the form of a montage.

That is the worst pitch I have ever seen.

Oh. I rather liked it.

-This idea will make you itch!

-Don't you mean rich?

-No.

I'm pitching you my fleas, cocker! Ha-ha-ha! Ow.

I'm in!

The toilet. I'll be back in a minute for more of your terrible ideas.

TOILET FLUSHES

I'll give you £5,000, no, £10,000! £20,000...

for your five hotels in Park Lane.

You're brilliant at this game!

-So what's your turnover?

-Apple. I baked it myself.

Hacker, that was a terrible set of ideas.

HACKER WHINES

But what a brilliantly put-together montage. I'll give you £4 million.

-I'm in!

-Huzzah!

-Yay!

That's quite enough of that. Time for something else. I'm out.

Ladies and gentlemen.

It's now time to go back to school in another edition of

the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club.

-Don't forget to mention Noshworld.

-Noshworld.

-Very good. Hoo-hoo!

ALARM BELL RINGS

Right, Josh. What do you fancy doing when you're older?

With your grades and skills, maybe you could be a doctor!

Or a brain surgeon! Or...

MUSIC PLAYS

# I could be an attendant at your local nailbar... #

OK...

# I could be a chauffeur even though I can't drive a car... #

I don't think you're getting this.

# I could knit and become a jumper-weaver... #

Is that even a thing?

# I could be a stylist for a b-b-beaver... #

That job definitely doesn't exist.

# I could be anything that I wanted that's me... #

Flute solo!

FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS

# I could be a-nything that I wanted

# A tree

# Or a salsa dancer with a tache. #

ALARM BELL RINGS

And now on Hacker Time,

it's the thrilling gameshow climax of our programme.

Big money prizes, a glamorous host,

and an excited studio audience are all things that we would have

liked to have included, but instead, it's over to Hacker T Dog.

Deborah Meaden! Get out!

..is the name of the next bit of the show.

-It's my dead good game show, cocker. Are you ready?

-Ready.

-Hurrah.

I've had enough of you on my show for one day

You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your fire-breathing chums!

Get a question right and you go up a level.

Get one wrong and you go back down a level.

When the time's up, you'll have lit up enough buttons to leave,

or you'll end up on one of my weird and wonderful floors,

such as Frantic Fred's Armpit Wig Store.

-OK. I don't want to be there.

-No.

-You've got until you hear this noise...

-Ah-ah-achoo!

..to play the game. So in three, two, eight, go!

Which dragon's name is Nurzle Neppe an anagram of?

-Er... Piers Linney!

-Correct! I've got four radishes.

I sell 50% of them to Wilf, give 25% of them to Herman

and eat one of them myself.

-How many radishes do I have left?

-None.

-Knickers!

I wanted radishes for dinner. Correct, though. Well done.

-What is the American version of Dragons' Den called?

-Sharks' Tank.

The Shark Tank, but I'll give you that. You're doing well.

Which of your Strictly Come Dancing co-stars have

we McGee'd in this picture.

Look over there.

-Oh, Dave! Dave. Dave Myers.

-It is Dave Myers.

The hairy biker has been McGee'd.

You've only got one more to go, cocker, and you're free.

Next question. Here is my chum, Ackie G.

# It's Accordion George, huh

# It's Accordion George, oh

# It's Accordion George Ackie G!#

Ag, ag, ag!

Yes, it's me old chum Ackie G. And Ackie G over there...

Give us a wave, Ackie. That's it.

All right, all right, don't overdo it.

Ackie G will now play you a popular tune on his accordion

and you must tell me what he's playing.

-Are you all right with that?

-Absolutely.

Take it away, Ackie G!

JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

What was that? Come on, what was it?

-What do you think it was?

-I genuinely have absolutely no idea.

Oh, that's a wrong answer, cocker.

OK, let me tell you that it was Katy Perry and Roar.

Let's hear it done properly.

# I got the eye of the tiger

# Fighter

# Dancin' through the fire

# Cos I am a champion and you're... #

No wonder you didn't get it. He was rubbish. You were rubbish!

Have you got a puncture in your air bag or summat, George?

Give us a wave! Now get away.

The next question is...

You were on Strictly Come Dancing with Abbey Clancy, weren't you?

But what is her married surname? Is it A) Sit

B) Squat or is it C) Crouch?

-Crouch.

-Correct! Oh, you're doing really well.

What is the Financial Times Stock Exchange otherwise known as?

-The Footsie.

-Yes, or in my case, the pawsie. Ha-ha-ha!

-Ugh.

GET OUT!

Oh, congratulations, Deborah!

You've lit up all the lift buttons, so you're allowed to leave

-the studio through the proper door and return to normality.

-Thank you.

-Huzzah!

-Mwah.

-Mwah.

-Mwah.

-Mwah.

Now get out.

Have you got anything you'd like to say before you leave?

-There was just one last thing I wanted...

-Hah!

What a beautiful dragon.

That's it from Hacker Time today. Thanks for watching, me old cockers.

-Mr Hacker! I've had an e-mail from Noshworld!

-Ooh, what does it say?

-Is it good news?

-Not quite. They've been shut down.

Turns out that cabbage-flavoured ham's made from rancid old rubbish!

Oh!

GURGLING

HE RETCHES

I know, that's why I like it! Yummy!

I know what'll cheer you lot up. Me good old end song.

Join in if you don't hate it. Goodbye!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Deborah Meaden from Dragons' Den dropped in today to join me

# I asked her things

# I sang a song and we put on an elaborate Dragons' Den parody

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show and mine

# Put it I your diary it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time. #

That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

HACKER RETCHES