Ben Shires Hacker Time

Hacker Time should be consumed in moderation

as part of a comedy-controlled diet.

Morning! How is everyone today?

HACKER GRUNTS

Pah!

What's up wi' you two?

They've had an argument.

Mm?

Hacker told Wilf he didn't like his down-turned mouth.

Hacker? There's nothing wrong with Wilf's mouth!

WILF MUMBLES

Now apologise to Wilf right now!

Tell Wilf, "I'm not sorry. Get a life!"

OK!

He says he wants a curry. Have you got a knife?

He says he enjoys Corrie - it's full of strife.

Hacker says, he's in a hurry. Will you be his wife?

Huh?! Well, this is all moving very quickly.

But go on, then, yes!

I do!

How wonderful!

Smile!

WEDDING BELLS PEAL

SHUTTER CLICKS

# You gonna watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this... #

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

Makes me say Oh, my word!

Thank you for watching me It's telly

But not what you normally see

It feels good And there's out-takes, too

Comedy, guests and clips It's true

So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

Ha! You can't touch

Stop! Hacker time!

Thank you.

Stand by then, everyone.

We're on air in five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

EXPLOSION

Cue Hacker!

You all right, cockers?

Today's show is going to be Officially Amazing!

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Yo, not in that way.

It's just about Officially Amazing, the programme.

This show will have the same old tat in it.

Hurray! Tat! I love tat!

Before we meet my very special guest, it's time to go

and collect him, and when I say "collect"

I mean "capture!"

Hello there, Ben Shires here to see an Officially Amazing parakeet.

-Ben Shires, is it? Ben Shires?

-Yeah, that's me.

-Come with me, mate, in the lift.

-Are you sure?

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

This doesn't seem quite right, actually,

I think I'm definitely meant... What?!

Hey!

ALARM BLARES

Aaargh!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ben Shires!

Hiya, Ben, you're on Hacker Time!

What?! Hacker Time?

I swore I'd never come on Hacker Time, I'm off!

No, no, no, don't go, cocker,

I've not told you how much we're paying you yet.

Your fee is record-breaking!

Ooh, I love records!

No, no, let me finish.

Record-breakingly low!

Right, OK, I feel like I'm committed now, so I'm all about the records.

Let's do this, I'll stay.

Huzzah! Well, we can't hang about here chatting all day, cocker,

we've got a show to make.

Derek, the Fact File!

Right yer are, Hacker!

Ben Shires is a human man,

who appears on CBBC's Officially Amazing.

In the show his mates, such as sizzling Steve, do all the hard work

trying to break world records whilst he messes about doing nothing!

Here he is wasting time in a bathtub.

Messing around as a dog/bear thing.

And here he is committing atrocities

to a small plastic action figure - what a terrible man he is,

although he is quite nattily dressed.

And that's almost all you need to know about Ben Shires.

Ooh, that was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be, Ben.

Ben?!

What's the meaning of this?

I'm livid! Benjamin!

You look so fly, Ben.

I'm glad you think so.

But I was thinking of going more your style, with the shirt

and maybe crimping my hair.

Well, this is the look that'll really be in next season.

Herman? I'll tell you what's OUT this season.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

YOU! Get out of my studio!

OK.

Don't talk to him.

Don't wave at him!

He's an officially cool dude!

He's officially a dud!

I won him at a charity tombola, cocker.

Now I can't get rid of him.

Without further ado, let's crack on with the show, me old cockle.

You'll like it, Ben, it's like your show,

except it's interesting and fun.

And we've got catering! Ha-ha!

Larry? The menu!

Today's Hacker Time will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

Look out for excitement.

Thrills.

And total disgust!

Knew it!

Coming up, Hacker asks a probing question.

-How does she wipe her...?

-HACKER WHISTLES

..Wilf is finally given the push...

I'm forty-threeeeeee...!

..and it's all getting a bit steamy in Trumpalot.

That's Hacker Time!

Ben Shires from record-breaking show Officially Amazing,

are you ready for your interview?

-I think I am, yes.

-Well done!

You've just broken the record for the best answer

to an interview question ever!

Here! Have a certificate!

-FANFARE

-There you go, well done.

-Thanks.

"Best answer to an interview..." Well, says it all.

Have you got anything you'd like to say about this award?

I'll have to clear a new space on my mantelpiece.

All right, all right, all right - don't go on about it, cocker.

Let's get on with the proper questioning.

What's been your favourite ever record?

Well, there's loads to choose from,

but I always enjoy the animal records.

I think there's some great, like, dogs surfing

or the world's most qualified camel.

There are some great ones. All very interesting, cocker.

Would you like to hear about my favourite record, Ben?

Yeah, I would, actually. I'm glad that you've got one.

-Enya's Greatest Hits.

-ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS

This is a vinyl record, which is how they played music

several decades before MP3s.

The singer in question, Enya, is a warbling woman from the past.

Now don't say I never teach you anything!

MUSIC FINISHES ABRUPTLY

Now, Ben, there's one question I've always wanted to ask you.

Are you a professor from the 1930s?

Well, how did you ever come to that conclusion, Hacker?

Cos you dress like one!

Right, well, that's true, actually.

Although I am speaking to a talking dog,

so I think we've both got things which are slightly unusual about us.

Well, I'm furious with that comment, cocker,

but at least something good's come out of your daft outfit,

because you've actually won the award for the person

that looks most like a professor from the 1930s!

Vat?! Oh, come on! I am furious about zis!

-FANFARE

-There you go. Well deserved, mate.

-Oh, thank you.

-You've met some really unique people along the way,

like stunt skateboarders,

a woman that pulls cars with her ears

and even dogs on scooters.

He's just showing off, look.

I didn't actually get to meet him, unfortunately.

-Oh, why not?

-I know, he was too high-profile for me.

-That was left to Al in America.

-And he's got distemper.

But what I want to know is this -

what is the weirdest record you've ever seen?

The weirdest?

I think it must be the woman with the world's longest fingernails.

Ho-ho, that is weird, innit?

Yeah, really, really weird. She can't really do anything.

If she wants to do the washing up, she has to use a pair of tongs,

because otherwise she can't actually get her hands in.

-How does she wipe her...?

-HE WHISTLES

Her nose? I don't know.

No, I didn't mean nose.

Well, my weirdest record is this.

-It's Enya's Greatest Hits.

-ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS

Yes, it's a thing you can't even play any more

cos there's no machines left, ha-ha!

-Nothing if not original, Hacker.

-Yep. Done it twice, that gag.

Niddle ye fret.

I'll probably doing it again before th'end.

Moving on, do you remember that time when Wilf Breadbin was doing

some routine maintenance on the set of Officially Amazing?

Erm...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Could we be about to see something very special?

Special?!

Just changing a light bulb, mate.

Nothing special here.

Oh, look at the ground disappearing

rapidly beneath him.

-He's 71, you know!

-71?!

Hey, I'm 43, you cheeky monkey!

-Any last words?

-Yeah.

Get me down!

-Good luck, Grandad!

-I told you,

I'm forty-threeeee!

WILF GROANS

I didn't...agree...to this!

HE CRIES OUT

Thoughts?

Well, weird. I don't remember Wilf on the day,

-but seeing it now, it must have happened.

-Yeah.

Cos it was really well done, that, weren't it?

Yeah, well done like a fine steak.

Yeah. Moving on, as well as being a presenter

and a professor from the 1930s,

you're also a stand-up comedian, ain't you?

Yeah, sometimes.

Can you tell us a joke?

Yeah, OK, then - did you know that I didn't go to real school,

I went to baking college.

Because exams there are a piece of cake.

BA-DUM TISH!

I don't get it.

I've got a good joke.

Herman!

Yeah, yeah?

That's it, look. He's the joke.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Not funny.

Ooh, but harsh, that.

Yeah, well, I've got a really unfunny joke -

you, Hacker!

LAUGHTER

I agree! Hacker's not funny at all!

It's true. I should know - I married him earlier in this episode.

-Nailed it!

-Ha-ha-ha(!)

Right, we've all had enough lols here.

Well, I've barely lol'ed at all listening to you!

LAUGHTER

Oh, it's funny!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Stop that! Stop it!

Stop it off!

Larry, why don't you just tell us what's next?

It's time for another visit to the kingdom of Trumpalot

in our spectacular drama, A Knight's Tail,

and today our brave heroes go on a long and dangerous quest.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

It was a time of celebration in Trumpalot.

And that's why this banquet and meat raffle will be the most successful

in Trumpalot's history.

Will there be...roast pheasant?

Yes.

Will there be a tombola?

Of course!

And most importantly,

there will be lashings of dragon poo soup for everyone.

BOTH: Dragon poo soup?!

Yes, it's my favourite meal.

Without dragon poo soup, there is no banquet.

-PANTING:

-Your Majesty?

What is it, cook?

We're out of dragon poo soup!

STEAM WHISTLES

-NARRATOR:

-And so it was that the queen sent her knights

on a dangerous quest for dragon poo soup.

-Can't you just order some off the internet?

-Don't be ridiculous!

The connection speed is terrible at this time in history.

Oh, yeah!

Besides, the only place you can find this mystical soup

is deep in the lair of the dragon.

HACKER GASPS

Never fear, Your Majesty,

for we will climb hill and dale,

we shall ford rivers and streams

and know this,

and know this well -

we shall not return...

until we are victorious!

Have you anything to add, Sir Loinsteak?

I've got pink wellies on!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Nyaaaaaa!

HIGH-PITCHED: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

And so it came to pass that our two gallant heroes

travelled for 40 days and 40 nights in search of the dragon's lair.

-I'm afraid we will never find the dragon's la...

-Don't worry, cocker!

If my calculations are correct,

we should be approaching it right now.

You've led us back to where we started!

I know!

The dragon lives in the castle dungeons.

BANGING

DOOR CREAKS

-POSH VOICE:

-Oh, hello!

I'm the dragon Poo.

Please do come in.

Ah, so your name is Poo

and that's why it's called Dragon Poo soup?

Oh, aren't we silly!

We thought it was made from your plop-plop.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous.

Here, try some.

So if it's not made from your poo, what is it made from?

Snot.

My brown, filthy chargrilled snot.

Om-nom-nom-nom-nom...

I don't believe it!

It's delicious.

You've eaten all of it.

-What are we going to give to the queen?!

-Don't worry, cocker.

I know the very thing.

It's brown,

it's lumpy,

and it smells absolutely revolting.

You don't mean...?

SHE SPITS OUT

Oxtail soup?!

Off with their heads!

STEEL WHOOSHES

BOTH: What ARE we like?

I made that myself, you know, Ben.

Oh, really? I'd never have guessed.

Do you know what gets me through the day?

The love of my adoring fans.

I get loads of letters in, cockle, oh, yes.

But I don't read them myself, no!

I've got a team of fools to read them for me.

Herman! Wilf!

Dowse me in fun and my canine body, coat it in words!

Thanks, Hacker.

This is the Opinion Parlour,

the place where we look at your comments about the programme.

And in honour of Ben Shires and his record-breaking ways,

-we've been asking what you've broken.

-Yes.

Anne from Eccles says,

"I've broken my TV set..."

And Phil from Uruguay says,

"I've broken a promise to myself..."

Thanks, Philip.

Lolly, why are they reading out all these complaints?

This is going terribly!

Yeah. Move on to the Opinion Poll.

Yes, sorry, Lorraine.

It's time now to see what the Opinion Poll's been saying.

I think apples should be pear-shaped, ooh!

Well, thank you very much...

Opinion Poll.

Well, if you'd like to get in touch and tell us what's on your mind,

you can't because the phone's broken.

THEY SIGH

That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.

Yeah, and we're off now for our break.

BOTH: Whoa! CRASHING AND COW MOOS

Thank you, Wilf and Herman, for absolutely nothing.

Now, Ben, you know your show, Officially Amazing?

It does ring a bell, yeah.

There are lots of things I like about it

but I also have a few suggestions,

as will become apparent during this song I wrote.

-Here we go.

-Good day!

RAGTIME JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

# Records for chopsticks used in stacking dice really high... #

Yep, yep...

# Records for throwing cowpats far into the sky

# Records for being the best at carving a scary pumpkin... #

No.

# Racing bugs, balloon-popping dogs it's Officially Amazing... #

Oh, OK.

# Records for really fast wrapping of some fish and chips

# Records for wearing flippers whilst also trying to skip... #

Surprisingly hard.

# Records for surfing with a basketball in a spin

# Eating fire, juggling tyres, it's Officially Amazing... #

You've watched it, then.

# In series three, I'd like to see

# A goat who can gloat for smelling most like a stoat

# A juggling nan or a grape with a tan

# A tap-dancing baby or a really tall lady

# A cat breathing fire or a really small friar

# Or a man with the smelliest pits

# You see what I'm saying? It must be amazing

# And I like my shows to officially amaze

# It's Officially Amazing, ha! #

What do you think, cocker?

It thought it was great.

I'm just impressed that you've watched any episodes

in order to make that song.

-Ha, I haven't.

-Oh.

Well, it's time for Larry to tell us what's coming up next.

Take it away, Lazza.

Still to come on today's Hacker Time,

disco fever hits the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club...

..Ben proves record breaking is as easy as pie...

-It's tasty!

-And who's this character lurking in the lifts?

Hello!

All still to come on Hacker Time.

Now, did I ever tell you about the time

I went for lunch with Sue Barker?

Oh, it was exciting. Me and Sue went out for lunch, right.

-We got the bus down to the...

-Oh, he's off on one again.

Er, Derek, we're all heading out for a pizza after work.

-Do you think your mummy will let you come?

-Of course!

I may still live with my mother but she's really cool.

She lets me do anything I like

and she lets me call her by her first name.

What is her name?

-Mother.

-De-rek!

-Hello, Mother!

-Don't call me by my first name!

Sorry, Mother.

By the way, I'm going for pizza after the show today.

Oh, no, you're not!

You know pizza makes you gassy!

Oh, which reminds me -

it's Brussels sprout soup for tea.

Oh, but Mother, I don't like Brussels sprouts!

You'll eat what you're given, young man!

No arguing!

And tonight I want you in bed by 5pm!

-Huh!

-Ooh...

I told you she was easy-going.

She normally sends me to bed at half past four.

Hoo-hoo!

Over to you, Larry, ho-hey.

Ladies and gentlemen,

prepare to witness something that is not just Officially Amazing,

it's genuinely average!

-Yeah, it's just a cheap Officially Amazing knock-off, isn't it?

-Yep.

Except the difference is you're going to be the one

breaking the world records this time,

instead of lolloping lazily on the sidelines like you normally do.

I'll have you know my lolloping is world-class.

I'll be the judge of that!

Now we need a random man in a suit to stand in the background,

so please welcome my chum,

Sir Jeff Jeffington.

-Hello.

-Hang on, is he an official world record adjudicator?

Without further ado, Ben,

why don't you reveal your first challenge?

So, Jeff, what does Ben have to do here?

Ben, you'll have 15 seconds to move as many chocolates as you can

from one bowl to the other using merely a straw.

Ooh!

How do you feel about this one, Ben?

Well, it's not my specialist event,

but I will still try and "bowl" you over.

In that case, your time starts...

Yes, I think the options are lamb

and there's a salmon steak or something, maybe chips.

I'd quite like the salmon...

..NOW!

Come on, Ben, you can do it, cocker.

You can do it, baby!

-Nice straw action there, Ben, yeah.

-Come on, you're doing me proud.

-KLAXON BLARES

-That's it. Time's up.

How did he do, Jeffrey?

Sadly, he failed to get any chocolates into the bowl.

Eh, yes, I did... BURPING

Wh...what?

Oh, yeah, yeah - sorry about that, cocker, I got a bit peckish.

You have ruined this for me!

And you ruined those chocolates for me -

they were all breathed on and covered in spittle.

Moving on, it's time to get serious, now -

it's time for the Mega Record!

This next challenge is the big one -

it's guaranteed to win you a world record.

Yes. You've got to pie yourself in the face

whilst having feathers dropped upon you.

I'll be monitoring how quickly you can do it

with the all-important stopwatch.

Right...this doesn't sound like a real record to me.

So, without further ado, your time starts...

-How was the lunch?

-It was all right.

-Nice clock - is it wound up?

-I think so - all I have to do is press the button.

-All right.

-Now! Start the clock!

-KLAXON BLARES

-Whoo-hoo!

-Come on!

Go for another pie - go on, Ben!

Dairy!

-Yeah, come on, Ben!

-You can do it, Benjamin.

Go on - stick another pie in your face!

Right in your mush, son.

BEN: It's tasty.

-Keep going, Benjamin.

-Come on, Ben, keep going! Yeah!

He's only gone and done it!

How did I go?

Argh! Oh, had you started? I wasn't watching.

And I didn't start my stopwatch.

What?! That's it - I'm off!

Sizzling Steve won't believe this!

Join us next week for another disappointing episode of...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go to school.

But don't worry, you aren't likely to learn anything.

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!

Josh!

There you are.

Urgh...why are you scratching?

Sir, I've been contaminated.

I've got nits!

OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

And they've learned to play the pipe organ.

ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES

# The legend of the louse has returned to Elmsbury High

# A letter has been sent home and I think I'm gonna cry

# Don't worry, Josh

# There's no need to be sad

# Whiffy Buff's had them for ages and he doesn't look too bad

# Already got my shampoo and I have a nit comb

# It's not my fault they're in there

# It's just where they feel at home

# There are measures to be taken

# You can visit the nit nurse

# You might make some new friends

# Things could be a whole lot worse

# Maybe you're right

# I should heed what you said

# Then scratch that bangin' record

# Like you scratch your tiny head

# We've got nits

# In our hair

# And we just don't care

# We have lice

# And it's nice

# And we like to share. #

LOUSE SQUEAKS HAPPILY

Now on Hacker Time,

it's the exciting, nail-biting, awe-inspiring part of the show

where Hacker likes to say...

Ben Shires, Get Out!

Well, that's a bit rude.

It's the name of the next part of the show, cocker -

it's my dead good game show.

You see, I've had enough of you for one day,

so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio.

-Charming.

-Yes.

You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor,

so you can return to your record-breaking friends.

Get a question right and you go up a level.

Get one wrong and you go back down a level.

When the time's up, you'll either leave or end up in another

one of my weird and wonderful floors,

like the one that houses Algernon's rancid walking meat closet.

Hello!

What do you think about that, cocker?

-Sounds less than tasty, really.

-Yes, it does.

You've got until you hear this sound...

ACCORDION PLAYS

So, in three, two, Q...go!

Which of these is not an existing Guinness world record?

Is it A - the largest collection of sick bags?

B - smelliest trump?

Or C - distance you can squirt milk from your eye?

I think it might be B, smelliest trump.

Correct! It is smelliest trump.

Listen to this sound and tell me what record Wilf was attempting.

LIQUID SLOSHES

Oh, that stinks!

Was it A - fastest unblocking of a toilet?

Or was it B - longest time spent kissing a skunk?

I'm going to go for A.

Incorrect - he was actually kissing a skunk.

I don't why either, cocker. You lose a floor.

Question three - which TV show did I ruin this week?

Was it A - Coronation Street?

Or was it B - Emmerdale?

You're more at home in that kind of farm setting - Emmerdale.

Let's see if you're right.

EMMERDALE THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Action!

I'm just a Cockney man

on my way down to the market to pick up some apples and pears

then go to the Queen Vic and have a row with Phil Mitchell.

Cut! This is Emmerdale, you fool!

Oh, yeah!

You are correct, Benjamin - I was milling about in Emmerdale.

What job around the studio has Herman forgotten to do?

A - remove the banana skins from the floor?

Or B - get the cat smell out of the drains?

Um...well, I did notice an odour, so I'm going to say the cat smell.

Let's find out if you're right - Herman?

Well, it's easy, ain't it?

-Argh!

-THUD

Turns out it was the banana one. All right, Herman.

Which celebrity has been McGee'd in this picture?

Oh, I'm struggling.

Is it...James Corden?

No! Very close, though.

It was TV's Phil Mitchell.

BEN LAUGHS

Next one - catch this!

Ugh!

Correct - up a floor.

Oh, you did really badly there, cocker -

you're not Officially Amazing.

You're Officially Rubbish!

There's no way you're going back to the ground floor now.

So I'm going to send you off to one of my weird and wonderful floors -

yes, you're going to Rex and Billy's Balloon Folding Workshop!

What do you think about that, cocker?

Oh, come on, Hacker! Let me stay here with you.

We could have a great time...

-No. Get out!

-OK.

Take the meat and leave!

You're giving me the chop?

Wave it at Billy when you get there - go on, get out.

If you rethought this, Hacker, we could have a great time together.

-Out!

-Just meeting you...

Any last words before you go, Ben?

There was one thing, actually...

HACKER LAUGHS

What a strangely dressed but lovely young man.

Thanks for joining me today, me old cockers -

even I've had enough of this show now.

I'm off home because I have no other plans whatsoever.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Hacker?

If you're free, maybe we could grab a milkshake together.

Oh, Herman, I would love to, but I've...got plans.

But you just said you didn't have any plans.

What's that, Derek? Time to play the end song?

Must dash!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff

# It will be top drawer

# Officially Amazing's Ben joined in

# To break a record with some pies

# But due to a Hacker-based incident

# He didn't actually get and was left with cream in his eyes

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!