Ben Shires Hacker Time


Ben Shires

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hacker Time should be consumed in moderation

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as part of a comedy-controlled diet.

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Morning! How is everyone today?

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HACKER GRUNTS

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Pah!

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What's up wi' you two?

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They've had an argument.

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Mm?

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Hacker told Wilf he didn't like his down-turned mouth.

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Hacker? There's nothing wrong with Wilf's mouth!

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WILF MUMBLES

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Now apologise to Wilf right now!

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Tell Wilf, "I'm not sorry. Get a life!"

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OK!

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He says he wants a curry. Have you got a knife?

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He says he enjoys Corrie - it's full of strife.

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Hacker says, he's in a hurry. Will you be his wife?

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Huh?! Well, this is all moving very quickly.

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But go on, then, yes!

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I do!

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How wonderful!

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Smile!

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WEDDING BELLS PEAL

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SHUTTER CLICKS

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# You gonna watch this

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# You gotta watch this

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# You gotta watch this... #

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-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

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Makes me say Oh, my word!

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Thank you for watching me It's telly

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But not what you normally see

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It feels good And there's out-takes, too

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Comedy, guests and clips It's true

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So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

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Ha! You can't touch

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Stop! Hacker time!

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Thank you.

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Stand by then, everyone.

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We're on air in five,

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four,

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three,

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two,

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one.

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EXPLOSION

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Cue Hacker!

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You all right, cockers?

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Today's show is going to be Officially Amazing!

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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Yo, not in that way.

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It's just about Officially Amazing, the programme.

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This show will have the same old tat in it.

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Hurray! Tat! I love tat!

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Before we meet my very special guest, it's time to go

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and collect him, and when I say "collect"

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I mean "capture!"

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Hello there, Ben Shires here to see an Officially Amazing parakeet.

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-Ben Shires, is it? Ben Shires?

-Yeah, that's me.

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-Come with me, mate, in the lift.

-Are you sure?

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THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

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This doesn't seem quite right, actually,

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I think I'm definitely meant... What?!

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Hey!

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ALARM BLARES

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Aaargh!

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ben Shires!

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Hiya, Ben, you're on Hacker Time!

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What?! Hacker Time?

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I swore I'd never come on Hacker Time, I'm off!

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No, no, no, don't go, cocker,

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I've not told you how much we're paying you yet.

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Your fee is record-breaking!

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Ooh, I love records!

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No, no, let me finish.

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Record-breakingly low!

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Right, OK, I feel like I'm committed now, so I'm all about the records.

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Let's do this, I'll stay.

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Huzzah! Well, we can't hang about here chatting all day, cocker,

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we've got a show to make.

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Derek, the Fact File!

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Right yer are, Hacker!

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Ben Shires is a human man,

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who appears on CBBC's Officially Amazing.

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In the show his mates, such as sizzling Steve, do all the hard work

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trying to break world records whilst he messes about doing nothing!

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Here he is wasting time in a bathtub.

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Messing around as a dog/bear thing.

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And here he is committing atrocities

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to a small plastic action figure - what a terrible man he is,

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although he is quite nattily dressed.

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And that's almost all you need to know about Ben Shires.

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Ooh, that was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be, Ben.

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Ben?!

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What's the meaning of this?

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I'm livid! Benjamin!

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You look so fly, Ben.

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I'm glad you think so.

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But I was thinking of going more your style, with the shirt

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and maybe crimping my hair.

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Well, this is the look that'll really be in next season.

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Herman? I'll tell you what's OUT this season.

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Oh, yeah, what's that?

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YOU! Get out of my studio!

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OK.

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Don't talk to him.

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Don't wave at him!

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He's an officially cool dude!

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He's officially a dud!

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I won him at a charity tombola, cocker.

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Now I can't get rid of him.

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Without further ado, let's crack on with the show, me old cockle.

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You'll like it, Ben, it's like your show,

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except it's interesting and fun.

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And we've got catering! Ha-ha!

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Larry? The menu!

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Today's Hacker Time will be a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

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Look out for excitement.

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Thrills.

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And total disgust!

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Knew it!

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Coming up, Hacker asks a probing question.

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-How does she wipe her...?

-HACKER WHISTLES

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..Wilf is finally given the push...

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I'm forty-threeeeeee...!

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..and it's all getting a bit steamy in Trumpalot.

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That's Hacker Time!

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Ben Shires from record-breaking show Officially Amazing,

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are you ready for your interview?

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-I think I am, yes.

-Well done!

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You've just broken the record for the best answer

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to an interview question ever!

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Here! Have a certificate!

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-FANFARE

-There you go, well done.

-Thanks.

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"Best answer to an interview..." Well, says it all.

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Have you got anything you'd like to say about this award?

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I'll have to clear a new space on my mantelpiece.

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All right, all right, all right - don't go on about it, cocker.

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Let's get on with the proper questioning.

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What's been your favourite ever record?

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Well, there's loads to choose from,

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but I always enjoy the animal records.

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I think there's some great, like, dogs surfing

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or the world's most qualified camel.

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There are some great ones. All very interesting, cocker.

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Would you like to hear about my favourite record, Ben?

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Yeah, I would, actually. I'm glad that you've got one.

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-Enya's Greatest Hits.

-ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS

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This is a vinyl record, which is how they played music

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several decades before MP3s.

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The singer in question, Enya, is a warbling woman from the past.

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Now don't say I never teach you anything!

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MUSIC FINISHES ABRUPTLY

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Now, Ben, there's one question I've always wanted to ask you.

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Are you a professor from the 1930s?

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Well, how did you ever come to that conclusion, Hacker?

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Cos you dress like one!

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Right, well, that's true, actually.

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Although I am speaking to a talking dog,

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so I think we've both got things which are slightly unusual about us.

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Well, I'm furious with that comment, cocker,

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but at least something good's come out of your daft outfit,

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because you've actually won the award for the person

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that looks most like a professor from the 1930s!

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Vat?! Oh, come on! I am furious about zis!

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-FANFARE

-There you go. Well deserved, mate.

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-Oh, thank you.

-You've met some really unique people along the way,

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like stunt skateboarders,

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a woman that pulls cars with her ears

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and even dogs on scooters.

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He's just showing off, look.

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I didn't actually get to meet him, unfortunately.

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-Oh, why not?

-I know, he was too high-profile for me.

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-That was left to Al in America.

-And he's got distemper.

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But what I want to know is this -

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what is the weirdest record you've ever seen?

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The weirdest?

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I think it must be the woman with the world's longest fingernails.

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Ho-ho, that is weird, innit?

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Yeah, really, really weird. She can't really do anything.

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If she wants to do the washing up, she has to use a pair of tongs,

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because otherwise she can't actually get her hands in.

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-How does she wipe her...?

-HE WHISTLES

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Her nose? I don't know.

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No, I didn't mean nose.

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Well, my weirdest record is this.

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-It's Enya's Greatest Hits.

-ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS

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Yes, it's a thing you can't even play any more

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cos there's no machines left, ha-ha!

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-Nothing if not original, Hacker.

-Yep. Done it twice, that gag.

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Niddle ye fret.

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I'll probably doing it again before th'end.

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Moving on, do you remember that time when Wilf Breadbin was doing

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some routine maintenance on the set of Officially Amazing?

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Erm...

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Could we be about to see something very special?

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Special?!

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Just changing a light bulb, mate.

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Nothing special here.

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Oh, look at the ground disappearing

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rapidly beneath him.

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-He's 71, you know!

-71?!

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Hey, I'm 43, you cheeky monkey!

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-Any last words?

-Yeah.

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Get me down!

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-Good luck, Grandad!

-I told you,

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I'm forty-threeeee!

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WILF GROANS

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I didn't...agree...to this!

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HE CRIES OUT

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Thoughts?

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Well, weird. I don't remember Wilf on the day,

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-but seeing it now, it must have happened.

-Yeah.

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Cos it was really well done, that, weren't it?

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Yeah, well done like a fine steak.

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Yeah. Moving on, as well as being a presenter

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and a professor from the 1930s,

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you're also a stand-up comedian, ain't you?

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Yeah, sometimes.

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Can you tell us a joke?

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Yeah, OK, then - did you know that I didn't go to real school,

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I went to baking college.

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Because exams there are a piece of cake.

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BA-DUM TISH!

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I don't get it.

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I've got a good joke.

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Herman!

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Yeah, yeah?

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That's it, look. He's the joke.

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-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Not funny.

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Ooh, but harsh, that.

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Yeah, well, I've got a really unfunny joke -

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you, Hacker!

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LAUGHTER

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I agree! Hacker's not funny at all!

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It's true. I should know - I married him earlier in this episode.

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-Nailed it!

-Ha-ha-ha(!)

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Right, we've all had enough lols here.

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Well, I've barely lol'ed at all listening to you!

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, it's funny!

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LAUGHTER CONTINUES

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Stop that! Stop it!

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Stop it off!

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Larry, why don't you just tell us what's next?

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It's time for another visit to the kingdom of Trumpalot

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in our spectacular drama, A Knight's Tail,

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and today our brave heroes go on a long and dangerous quest.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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It was a time of celebration in Trumpalot.

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And that's why this banquet and meat raffle will be the most successful

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in Trumpalot's history.

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Will there be...roast pheasant?

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Yes.

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Will there be a tombola?

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Of course!

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And most importantly,

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there will be lashings of dragon poo soup for everyone.

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BOTH: Dragon poo soup?!

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Yes, it's my favourite meal.

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Without dragon poo soup, there is no banquet.

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-PANTING:

-Your Majesty?

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What is it, cook?

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We're out of dragon poo soup!

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STEAM WHISTLES

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-NARRATOR:

-And so it was that the queen sent her knights

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on a dangerous quest for dragon poo soup.

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-Can't you just order some off the internet?

-Don't be ridiculous!

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The connection speed is terrible at this time in history.

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Oh, yeah!

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Besides, the only place you can find this mystical soup

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is deep in the lair of the dragon.

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HACKER GASPS

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Never fear, Your Majesty,

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for we will climb hill and dale,

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we shall ford rivers and streams

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and know this,

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and know this well -

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we shall not return...

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until we are victorious!

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Have you anything to add, Sir Loinsteak?

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I've got pink wellies on!

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-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Nyaaaaaa!

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HIGH-PITCHED: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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And so it came to pass that our two gallant heroes

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travelled for 40 days and 40 nights in search of the dragon's lair.

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-I'm afraid we will never find the dragon's la...

-Don't worry, cocker!

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If my calculations are correct,

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we should be approaching it right now.

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You've led us back to where we started!

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I know!

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The dragon lives in the castle dungeons.

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BANGING

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DOOR CREAKS

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-POSH VOICE:

-Oh, hello!

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I'm the dragon Poo.

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Please do come in.

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Ah, so your name is Poo

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and that's why it's called Dragon Poo soup?

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Oh, aren't we silly!

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We thought it was made from your plop-plop.

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Oh, don't be so ridiculous.

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Here, try some.

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So if it's not made from your poo, what is it made from?

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Snot.

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My brown, filthy chargrilled snot.

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Om-nom-nom-nom-nom...

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I don't believe it!

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It's delicious.

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You've eaten all of it.

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-What are we going to give to the queen?!

-Don't worry, cocker.

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I know the very thing.

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It's brown,

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it's lumpy,

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and it smells absolutely revolting.

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You don't mean...?

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SHE SPITS OUT

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Oxtail soup?!

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Off with their heads!

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STEEL WHOOSHES

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BOTH: What ARE we like?

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I made that myself, you know, Ben.

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Oh, really? I'd never have guessed.

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Do you know what gets me through the day?

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The love of my adoring fans.

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I get loads of letters in, cockle, oh, yes.

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But I don't read them myself, no!

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I've got a team of fools to read them for me.

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Herman! Wilf!

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Dowse me in fun and my canine body, coat it in words!

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Thanks, Hacker.

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This is the Opinion Parlour,

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the place where we look at your comments about the programme.

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And in honour of Ben Shires and his record-breaking ways,

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-we've been asking what you've broken.

-Yes.

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Anne from Eccles says,

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"I've broken my TV set..."

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And Phil from Uruguay says,

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"I've broken a promise to myself..."

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Thanks, Philip.

0:14:480:14:49

Lolly, why are they reading out all these complaints?

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This is going terribly!

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Yeah. Move on to the Opinion Poll.

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Yes, sorry, Lorraine.

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It's time now to see what the Opinion Poll's been saying.

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I think apples should be pear-shaped, ooh!

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Well, thank you very much...

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Opinion Poll.

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Well, if you'd like to get in touch and tell us what's on your mind,

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you can't because the phone's broken.

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THEY SIGH

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That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.

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Yeah, and we're off now for our break.

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BOTH: Whoa! CRASHING AND COW MOOS

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Thank you, Wilf and Herman, for absolutely nothing.

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Now, Ben, you know your show, Officially Amazing?

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It does ring a bell, yeah.

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There are lots of things I like about it

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but I also have a few suggestions,

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as will become apparent during this song I wrote.

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-Here we go.

-Good day!

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RAGTIME JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

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# Records for chopsticks used in stacking dice really high... #

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Yep, yep...

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# Records for throwing cowpats far into the sky

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# Records for being the best at carving a scary pumpkin... #

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No.

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# Racing bugs, balloon-popping dogs it's Officially Amazing... #

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Oh, OK.

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# Records for really fast wrapping of some fish and chips

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# Records for wearing flippers whilst also trying to skip... #

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Surprisingly hard.

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# Records for surfing with a basketball in a spin

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# Eating fire, juggling tyres, it's Officially Amazing... #

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You've watched it, then.

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# In series three, I'd like to see

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# A goat who can gloat for smelling most like a stoat

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# A juggling nan or a grape with a tan

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# A tap-dancing baby or a really tall lady

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# A cat breathing fire or a really small friar

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# Or a man with the smelliest pits

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# You see what I'm saying? It must be amazing

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# And I like my shows to officially amaze

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# It's Officially Amazing, ha! #

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What do you think, cocker?

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It thought it was great.

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I'm just impressed that you've watched any episodes

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in order to make that song.

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-Ha, I haven't.

-Oh.

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Well, it's time for Larry to tell us what's coming up next.

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Take it away, Lazza.

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Still to come on today's Hacker Time,

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disco fever hits the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club...

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..Ben proves record breaking is as easy as pie...

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-It's tasty!

-And who's this character lurking in the lifts?

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Hello!

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All still to come on Hacker Time.

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Now, did I ever tell you about the time

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I went for lunch with Sue Barker?

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Oh, it was exciting. Me and Sue went out for lunch, right.

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-We got the bus down to the...

-Oh, he's off on one again.

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Er, Derek, we're all heading out for a pizza after work.

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-Do you think your mummy will let you come?

-Of course!

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I may still live with my mother but she's really cool.

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She lets me do anything I like

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and she lets me call her by her first name.

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What is her name?

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-Mother.

-De-rek!

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-Hello, Mother!

-Don't call me by my first name!

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Sorry, Mother.

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By the way, I'm going for pizza after the show today.

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Oh, no, you're not!

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You know pizza makes you gassy!

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Oh, which reminds me -

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it's Brussels sprout soup for tea.

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Oh, but Mother, I don't like Brussels sprouts!

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You'll eat what you're given, young man!

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No arguing!

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And tonight I want you in bed by 5pm!

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-Huh!

-Ooh...

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I told you she was easy-going.

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She normally sends me to bed at half past four.

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Hoo-hoo!

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Over to you, Larry, ho-hey.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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prepare to witness something that is not just Officially Amazing,

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it's genuinely average!

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-Yeah, it's just a cheap Officially Amazing knock-off, isn't it?

-Yep.

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Except the difference is you're going to be the one

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breaking the world records this time,

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instead of lolloping lazily on the sidelines like you normally do.

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I'll have you know my lolloping is world-class.

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I'll be the judge of that!

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Now we need a random man in a suit to stand in the background,

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so please welcome my chum,

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Sir Jeff Jeffington.

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-Hello.

-Hang on, is he an official world record adjudicator?

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Without further ado, Ben,

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why don't you reveal your first challenge?

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So, Jeff, what does Ben have to do here?

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Ben, you'll have 15 seconds to move as many chocolates as you can

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from one bowl to the other using merely a straw.

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Ooh!

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How do you feel about this one, Ben?

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Well, it's not my specialist event,

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but I will still try and "bowl" you over.

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In that case, your time starts...

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Yes, I think the options are lamb

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and there's a salmon steak or something, maybe chips.

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I'd quite like the salmon...

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..NOW!

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Come on, Ben, you can do it, cocker.

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You can do it, baby!

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-Nice straw action there, Ben, yeah.

-Come on, you're doing me proud.

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-KLAXON BLARES

-That's it. Time's up.

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How did he do, Jeffrey?

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Sadly, he failed to get any chocolates into the bowl.

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Eh, yes, I did... BURPING

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Wh...what?

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Oh, yeah, yeah - sorry about that, cocker, I got a bit peckish.

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You have ruined this for me!

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And you ruined those chocolates for me -

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they were all breathed on and covered in spittle.

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Moving on, it's time to get serious, now -

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it's time for the Mega Record!

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This next challenge is the big one -

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it's guaranteed to win you a world record.

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Yes. You've got to pie yourself in the face

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whilst having feathers dropped upon you.

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I'll be monitoring how quickly you can do it

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with the all-important stopwatch.

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Right...this doesn't sound like a real record to me.

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So, without further ado, your time starts...

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-How was the lunch?

-It was all right.

-Nice clock - is it wound up?

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-I think so - all I have to do is press the button.

-All right.

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-Now! Start the clock!

-KLAXON BLARES

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-Whoo-hoo!

-Come on!

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Go for another pie - go on, Ben!

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Dairy!

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-Yeah, come on, Ben!

-You can do it, Benjamin.

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Go on - stick another pie in your face!

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Right in your mush, son.

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BEN: It's tasty.

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-Keep going, Benjamin.

-Come on, Ben, keep going! Yeah!

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He's only gone and done it!

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How did I go?

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Argh! Oh, had you started? I wasn't watching.

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And I didn't start my stopwatch.

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What?! That's it - I'm off!

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Sizzling Steve won't believe this!

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Join us next week for another disappointing episode of...

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to go to school.

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But don't worry, you aren't likely to learn anything.

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It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!

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Josh!

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There you are.

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Urgh...why are you scratching?

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Sir, I've been contaminated.

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I've got nits!

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OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

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And they've learned to play the pipe organ.

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ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES

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# The legend of the louse has returned to Elmsbury High

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# A letter has been sent home and I think I'm gonna cry

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# Don't worry, Josh

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# There's no need to be sad

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# Whiffy Buff's had them for ages and he doesn't look too bad

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# Already got my shampoo and I have a nit comb

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# It's not my fault they're in there

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# It's just where they feel at home

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# There are measures to be taken

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# You can visit the nit nurse

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# You might make some new friends

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# Things could be a whole lot worse

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# Maybe you're right

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# I should heed what you said

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# Then scratch that bangin' record

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# Like you scratch your tiny head

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# We've got nits

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# In our hair

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# And we just don't care

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# We have lice

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# And it's nice

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# And we like to share. #

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LOUSE SQUEAKS HAPPILY

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Now on Hacker Time,

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it's the exciting, nail-biting, awe-inspiring part of the show

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where Hacker likes to say...

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Ben Shires, Get Out!

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Well, that's a bit rude.

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It's the name of the next part of the show, cocker -

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it's my dead good game show.

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You see, I've had enough of you for one day,

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so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio.

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-Charming.

-Yes.

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You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor,

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so you can return to your record-breaking friends.

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Get a question right and you go up a level.

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Get one wrong and you go back down a level.

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When the time's up, you'll either leave or end up in another

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one of my weird and wonderful floors,

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like the one that houses Algernon's rancid walking meat closet.

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Hello!

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What do you think about that, cocker?

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-Sounds less than tasty, really.

-Yes, it does.

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You've got until you hear this sound...

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ACCORDION PLAYS

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So, in three, two, Q...go!

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Which of these is not an existing Guinness world record?

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Is it A - the largest collection of sick bags?

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B - smelliest trump?

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Or C - distance you can squirt milk from your eye?

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I think it might be B, smelliest trump.

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Correct! It is smelliest trump.

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Listen to this sound and tell me what record Wilf was attempting.

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LIQUID SLOSHES

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Oh, that stinks!

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Was it A - fastest unblocking of a toilet?

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Or was it B - longest time spent kissing a skunk?

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I'm going to go for A.

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Incorrect - he was actually kissing a skunk.

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I don't why either, cocker. You lose a floor.

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Question three - which TV show did I ruin this week?

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Was it A - Coronation Street?

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Or was it B - Emmerdale?

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You're more at home in that kind of farm setting - Emmerdale.

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Let's see if you're right.

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EMMERDALE THEME MUSIC PLAYS

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Action!

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I'm just a Cockney man

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on my way down to the market to pick up some apples and pears

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then go to the Queen Vic and have a row with Phil Mitchell.

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Cut! This is Emmerdale, you fool!

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Oh, yeah!

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You are correct, Benjamin - I was milling about in Emmerdale.

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What job around the studio has Herman forgotten to do?

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A - remove the banana skins from the floor?

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Or B - get the cat smell out of the drains?

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Um...well, I did notice an odour, so I'm going to say the cat smell.

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Let's find out if you're right - Herman?

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Well, it's easy, ain't it?

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-Argh!

-THUD

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Turns out it was the banana one. All right, Herman.

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Which celebrity has been McGee'd in this picture?

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Oh, I'm struggling.

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Is it...James Corden?

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No! Very close, though.

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It was TV's Phil Mitchell.

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BEN LAUGHS

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Next one - catch this!

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Ugh!

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Correct - up a floor.

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Oh, you did really badly there, cocker -

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you're not Officially Amazing.

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You're Officially Rubbish!

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There's no way you're going back to the ground floor now.

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So I'm going to send you off to one of my weird and wonderful floors -

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yes, you're going to Rex and Billy's Balloon Folding Workshop!

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What do you think about that, cocker?

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Oh, come on, Hacker! Let me stay here with you.

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We could have a great time...

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-No. Get out!

-OK.

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Take the meat and leave!

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You're giving me the chop?

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Wave it at Billy when you get there - go on, get out.

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If you rethought this, Hacker, we could have a great time together.

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-Out!

-Just meeting you...

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Any last words before you go, Ben?

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There was one thing, actually...

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HACKER LAUGHS

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What a strangely dressed but lovely young man.

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Thanks for joining me today, me old cockers -

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even I've had enough of this show now.

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I'm off home because I have no other plans whatsoever.

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Ooh, ooh, ooh! Hacker?

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If you're free, maybe we could grab a milkshake together.

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Oh, Herman, I would love to, but I've...got plans.

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But you just said you didn't have any plans.

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What's that, Derek? Time to play the end song?

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Must dash!

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# That is it for now The end of the show

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# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

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# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

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# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

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# It's been amazing We've been larking around

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# The whole programme cost just under a pound

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# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

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# There'll be tons of other funny stuff

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# It will be top drawer

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# Officially Amazing's Ben joined in

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# To break a record with some pies

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# But due to a Hacker-based incident

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# He didn't actually get and was left with cream in his eyes

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# That is it for now The end of the show

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# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

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# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

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# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

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# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

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# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

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That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!

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