Ortis Deley Hacker Time

-LARRY:

-Today's Hacker Time features

scenes of a disturbingly unfunny nature.

Everybody. Everybody! I need your full attention.

I've got an important announcement to make.

Hello?

Hello? What are you all doing?

We're playing that new game, Meat Mash. Look,

I only need three more sides of beef to get to level 74.

Well, surely you can play AND listen to my announcement?

Not a chance, Derek.

My line of pork chops is being threatened

by the evil venison steak.

At least YOU'LL listen to my announcement, won't you, Lolly?

Lolly?

LORRAINE!

Well, thank you, Derek(!)

You just stopped me getting the golden ham hock terrine.

Derek, you have my complete, undivided attention.

Nothing will distract me from what you're about to say.

Good, because I just wanted to tell you...

Oh, look - everything else in the entire world that isn't Derek!

Nyaaaaa!

I only wanted to say

that I've got to level 75 on Meat Mash!

I've beaten all of you!

THEY SIGH

Ho-ho! Run the titles!

# You gotta watch this... #

Pffft!

# ..You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

Stand by, everyone. We're on air in five...

four...

three...

two...

one...

Cue Hacker!

How do, cockers?

Welcome to my show, which today is all about gadgets.

Now, I've got this one, all right? I've had it for years,

but I'm not quite sure what it does.

Doesn't appear to do anything.

It's weird, innit? Does nowt.

What's going on?

Doesn't do anything.

-Ooh, I feel sick.

-Nowt. Does nowt.

What a useless piece of tat.

Anyway, today's special guest knows all about gadgets.

Trouble is, he DOESN'T know he's on the show...yet.

Ha-ha-ha.

Hi, my name's Ortis Deley.

I'm here to host a new hi-tech lifestyle show.

-Mr Deley, is it?

-Yes.

-Come with me, sir.

Get in the lift. Get to the lift.

You haven't even heard where I'm going yet...

Get in the lift, or I'll smite ya.

-ALARM GOES OFF

-10...

Hang on a minute!

LIFT DINGS

From The Gadget Show, it's Ortis Deley!

Ortis, old pal. You're on Hacker Time!

-Come on, cocker.

-Hacker Time?

No, no, no. I've heard about this show, I want nothing to do with it.

Come back, come back!

If you stay, I'll show you a new gadget I've discovered.

Really? I'm up for that.

Here it is, look.

I believe the kids are calling it, "The Wheel."

Which is exactly why I'm not staying. See you later, Hacker.

It's funny because it's ancient.

Just like most of the jokes on this show.

Derek, the fact file.

Coming right up, Hacker.

Ortis Deley is a presenter who presently presents a programme

called the Gadget Show.

In the past, not the present, he presented shows on CBBC,

where he sported atrocious blouses

and sat on atrocious chairs.

Ortis's hobbies include pretending to be James Bond,

and being an evil genius who wants to take over the world.

And that's an almost accurate fact file about Ortis Deley.

Very interesting, I almost listened to a single word of it,

Now, Ortis...

Ortis?

What's all this? I am furious!

What do you think of my new smartphone, Ortis?

Yeah, it looks OK.

I'm a bit concerned about the size of the aerial, though.

Oh, well, that's not the aerial.

It's a special comb attachment so I can spruce up your hair

-and play Meat Mash at the same time!

-Now then!

-I found out what this gadget does.

-Oh, what's that, then, Mr Hacker?

This.

Agh!

-Is... Is he all right?

-No. Let's get on with the show, cocker.

Larry, the menu.

Come on, duck a l'orange.

Oh, sorry, just on level 43 of Meat Mash.

There's plenty of gadgety fun coming up on today's Hacker Time.

Hacker wants a new job.

How do I get out of this place and get a proper career?

There's turbulence down at the Aeroport.

We've got a problem with the wings.

THEY GASP

And the Opinion Parlour goes off with a bang.

KABOOM!

All this and more on Hacker Time!

Top-drawer stuff, there.

But before all that, it's time for the big interview.

-Are you ready, Ortis?

-I'm ready, Hacker.

-All right. Question one.

You present the Gadget Show with some odd people.

Jason Bradbury...

ORTIS LAUGHS

Does he have a really small head, or just really big glasses?

Really big glasses.

HACKER WHINES

-Seriously, though?

-Seriously. They're huge.

-You collect comic books, don't you, cocker?

-I do, yeah.

-I have almost 8,000.

-Personally, I'm not a fan of them, really.

I don't like the way you can see what people are thinking in bubbles.

It's totally unrealistic.

Yeah, I suppose...

Anyway, it's lovely having you here, cocker. It's...

How did that get there? Get down!

I am SO sorry about that, Ortis.

Apology accep...

-Get out of it.

-..ted.

-Moving on.

-In your distant, far-off youth...

-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

-"Distant, far-off youth?" I'm not THAT old!

-Well, you look it, cocker.

Withered, distraught, distracted, unsightly, aghast.

Crisp.

Like Sue Barker's good leg.

In your distant far off youth, you were a CBBC presenter, weren't you?

-I was, yeah.

-What I want to know is...

..how do I get out of this place and get a proper career?

It doesn't happen.

The Gadget Show it is!

Let's have a look at some of the highlights from your time at CBBC.

Do you remember when you tried to high-five that camera

and it left you hanging?

ORTIS LAUGHS

Yeah, yeah.

Quality work, innit?

Hey, do you remember that time when you had that star-shaped hat

that looked like the inside of an office?

ORTIS LAUGHS

HACKER FORCES LAUGHTER

Anyway, away from this filth,

what do you think is the best gadget of the last 100 years, and why?

-Of the last 100 years?

-100 years.

-You should remember most of them.

-Thank you. The car.

-The car?

-Yeah.

Well, for me, it's the self-service checkout.

I love how it's made shopping so much quicker and easier.

BEEP

-'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

-No, there isn't!

BEEP

-'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

-No, there isn't!

BEEP

-'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

-There isn't, look, look!

Oh, I didn't expect THAT item in the bagging area. Get off me.

Nope, get off! Mind my couscous.

And then it ate me.

-Ortis Deley, let me get your opinions on some new gadgets.

-OK.

-TV you can taste. Will it take off?

-Smell-O-Vision?

Yeah, yeah, it's been waiting in the wings for ages.

Robot Barbers, will they take off?

-Yes, yes, it will be...

-No, no, you didn't let me finish.

Robot Barbers, will they take off...

-too much around the back and sides?

-Very likely.

Wingless aeroplanes, will they take off?

-That's a good one from you, Hacker.

-Thank you.

It was all leading up to that weak and laboured punch line.

Talking of which, I've invented this little beauty.

It's the Hacker Time Punchline Calculator.

This will come up with a clever, ground-breaking,

-hilarious gag to end the interview. Are you ready?

-Yeah, I'm ready.

Well, I've already typed in 'Hacker', 'Ortis', and 'gadgets'.

Let's see what happens. I shall press le bouton!

Ra-gh!

DIGITAL NOISES

-Oh, there's something coming out here.

-Yeah, yeah! What does it say?

"Hacker trumps."

Well, that's never not worked for us before.

HE TRUMPS FEROCIOUSLY

Oh...

Agh!

Agh!

What a perfect punch line, Ortis.

I can now declare this interview over.

Oh, what a shame, Hacker.

-I was having so much fun.

-Charming.

Larry, what's next?

Time to check in for one last time at Best Regional Airways.

Yes, strap in and get ready for a bumpy landing

as we pay our final visit to the Aeroport.

Places to go. Deadlines to keep.

And dogs in stewardess outfits.

It's all just another day in the life of...

the Aeroport.

And you've packed this all yourself, have you?

It's the busiest time of the year here at Wigan International Airport

and some of the cabin crew staff aren't finding it easy

to keep everyone happy.

I'm fed up of this!

It's just costing me money!

It's not relaxing!

Every minute makes me more angry!

I just can't stand it any more!

Sir, I understand that you're upset about your delayed flight...

My flight? I'm not bothered about that.

I was talking about my wife.

Oh, will!

Can I get the money back for her ticket?

Meanwhile, it looks like nobody's going to be flying today

as Best Regional Airways support manager, Derek McGee,

consults pilot, Captain Barbara.

I'm afraid you're grounded.

The plane can't take off? What is it?

Ice on the runway? Bad visibility?

No, YOU'RE grounded, young man.

I've seen the state of your cockpit. It's a disgrace!

You're not getting back in there until you've been suitably punished.

Off to the naughty step you go. Go on.

I never asked to be born!

Things don't run smoothly once the flight takes off,

as the pressure suddenly drops in the cabin.

ALARM GOES OFF

PASSENGERS PANIC

Don't worry, cockers, I can get the pressure back up.

What's 2+2?!

WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

How do you spell 'cat'?!

WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

How many King Georges have there been?!

WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

Meanwhile, things are considerably more relaxed in the cockpit.

People often ask me what all these complicated buttons do.

And I say...

the top one keeps it all together, the middle one hugs my waist,

and, very often, I don't do the bottom one up at all.

I do like to live life on the edge.

Yeah, but what do the buttons on the flight deck do?

Oh, I've literally no idea.

Not a clue.

WARNING BUZZERS

With the pressure back to normal in the cabin,

the flight crew have a new problem.

Listen, everyone. Listen, please.

We've got a problem with the wings!

FRIGHTENED GASPS

Yes, that's right.

We have run out of chicken wings.

THEY SIGH

Well, I don't want to alarm anyone, but we're sending out an SOS.

FRIGHTENED GASPS

Yes, that's right!

A Sack O' Sprouts

to replace the chicken wings.

THEY SIGH

THEY SHOUT IN DISMAY

This is a lot easier than the trifle we served yesterday.

WARNING ALARMS

-What's that, Captain?

-Let's have a look.

My instruments are suggesting it's not turbulence.

GUITAR STRUMS

Definitely not turbulence.

If it's not turbulence, then what could it be?

In the cabin, eating all those Brussels sprouts

seems to have had an adverse affect.

LOUD TRUMPS

THE PLANE TRUMPS

Brace yourselves, everyone.

HE TRUMPS FEROCIOUSLY

Yonko eventually got himself cleaned up,

and Captain Barbara had to revisit the naughty step several times.

-This is so unfair!

-I've had enough of your lip.

It was all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.

So, if I want to get past this level of Meat Mash,

I need four exploding veal cutlets.

Yeah, either that or try combining the streaky bacon rashers with

the black pudding.

Oh, hello, viewers.

As you can see, we're busy,

so why don't you watch these two losers instead?

Wilf! Herman! You're on.

I haven't got a bacon rasher.

Do you think a chorizo would work?

Welcome to the Opinion Parlour.

Today we've been asking you what your favourite gadgets are.

Anne from Eccles writes...

"My favourite gadget is my remote control.

"I've wired it to blow up the TV..."

KABOOM!

Why doesn't she just change the channel?

Thanks for tuning in, though, Anne.

Next, we've had an e-mail from Bill in Southport, who says...

".. the only problem is the battery doesn't last very lo..."

He's right, though. The battery doesn't last very lo...

And, finally, we've had another e-mail from Anne from Eccles

-who says, "Does anyone know where I can buy a new TV?"

-Oh, oh!

I'm afraid we'll have to wrap it up

because the camera battery is about to go.

Unfortunately, that doesn't last very lo...

What did you think of that item, Ortis?

Well, to be honest, Hacker, I thought it went on a bit lo...

It always does.

Now, you Gadget Show presenters all seem to really enjoy your jobs.

But, deep down, do you?

I love it! What's not to love?

We're exactly the same here on Hacker Time, you know. We love it!

Right, next question. Tell me more about yourself, cocker.

Where do I start?

Erm - oh, I know, I was born in Balham,

a small hamlet in South West London.

'Oh, I do wish he'd shut up.

'There's got to be more to life than this.'

BIG BAND MUSIC

# This job can be such a dull job

# Why must I be stuck here with these guests?

# Listening to them drone on

# About their careers

# And trying to be suitably impressed... #

That's very interesting, Ortis...

# I wish that I could find a new workplace

# Where there's no rancid dog on the scene... #

How dare you! I've got a condition!

# That silly Derek

# He's such a disgrace

# Oh, Lolly, did I tell you

# That I've just won the gold ham hock terrine? #

See what I mean?

# Here in The Opinion Parlour

# The fun and games don't last very lo... #

ALL: # It's very clear

# We hate it here

# We'd have it made

# If we got paid

# We want to know

# Where did we go wro-o-ong?!

# I blame the boss

# You're always cross

# His hair is bad

# Your mouth looks sad

# No - I'm at fault

# For starting this SOOOOONNNGGG! #

We all sang our feelings out loud again, didn't we?

You did.

Curse our musical inner monologues!

Blargh!

Larry, tell us what else is coming up.

Certainly, Hacker.

Today's show is our most inventive yet!

Coming up...

In the future, we'll visit Hacker Time from the year 5014....

Mother always said I'd get aHEAD in life.

..we'll call in on those cool dudes at the

Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club...

and Accordion George is back.

That's all still to come!

Can I tell you what really annoys me, right?

It REALLY annoys me when people tell you what really annoys them...

Ugh, I can't stand much more of this show.

What are you doing, Derek?

Oh, be quiet, Lolly, will you?!

I'm nearly up to level 100 of Meat Mash.

If I win this, I'll be top of the UK leaderboard!

Ooh, Derek. You're so talented!

Now, I can do this -

as long as I don't get any sudden distractions!

-Derek!

-Argh!

-Mother!

-But Derek...

Mother, please, leave me alone!

But Derek...!

Mother!

Ooh, I don't believe it...

I've reached Level 100 - I'm top of the UK leaderboard!

Hoo-hoo!

Now, what did you want to tell me?

I wanted to tell you

that I've just reached level 101 -

so I'M top of the UK leaderboard!

-Ho-ho!

-Oh, mother!

Can I have your autograph?

Oh!

And now, we transport you to the year 5014.

It's Future Hacker Time!

'Hacker Time is filmed on location in seven different galaxies.'

Hello and welcome to series 900 of Hacker Time,

officially the fourth most popular show on CBBC -

after 12,000 Again,

Marrying Mum and Droid,

and the first series of Tracy Beaker,

which is still being repeated ALL THE TIME!

-CRACKING

-Ooh! Me neck.

Ooh, it really hurts. Hologram Wilf - do something!

Here son, have a bit of oil...

Oh...

I can't do it, mate. I'm too virtual.

You're virtually useless. Get out!

Ooh, he goes straight through me.

Time to meet today's special guest -

from the 21st century, it's Ortis Deley!

Er...Hacker, what's going on?

I was in the middle of hosting The Gadget Show!

Oh, we don't have that programme in the future.

All the gadgets have been invented.

We just call it The...Show.

Send me back.

But I want to show you how far technology's come.

You'll love it here, cocker!

All right, fine, I'll stay. But this had better be good.

Oh, it will be!

In the future, we've got the ultimate in 3D television. Look...

Wow...that's amazing!

It's like the image is actually coming right out of the TV set.

Get a bit closer, cocker.

A bit closer...

A bit closer...

SPLAT! Argh!

-Hacker!

-You got too close. You got hit by the fish.

-That was daft of you, wasn't it?

-Yes, wasn't it?(!)

Now, here in the future, people can live forever -

like my director, Derek McGee!

Hoo-hoo! Mother always said I'd get aHEAD in life!

Shame I've got noBODY to share it with!

HE GIGGLES AND GURGLES

Hang on - why doesn't Lolly look any different?

Oh, I just use a really good moisturiser.

DEREK GURGLES Of course you do.

Of course, the best thing about the future is -

I don't have to bother interviewing boring guests like you.

Put that hat on, would you, cocker?

This device will translate your thoughts

and speak them aloud for ye.

Press that red bouton!

Right.

'I, Ortis Deley, think that Hacker Time is the best show on television.

'Hacker T Dog's hosting skills are second to none...

'but most of all, I love Hologram Wilf.

'He's the greatest peripheral character on CBBC.'

Right, that does it! This is clearly not the future.

I mean, look...

THEY GASP

Bah! Foiled again!

Hah! Do you get it?

Oh, please yourselves.

I mean, Herman was in a box, and as for Hologram Wilf -

well, that's clearly TV trickery.

I'm still the greatest peripheral character, though, aren't I? Eh?

Ortis - what are you talking about?!

This IS the future.

-No it isn't.

-Oh, it is!

It's three minutes into the future,

since we started this terrible sketch.

Three minutes?

It feels more like 300 years.

Yeah, it has gone on a little bit too lo...

Let's all get a milky brew. Come on, cocker.

But nobody's explained why I'm in this jar...

Hello? Hello?

Help!

Over to you, Larry.

Help!

Here's a show that's DEFINITELY ahead of its time...

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club!

BELL RINGS

Ahem!

Josh!

What an unexpected surprise!

You asked me to come!

Y-Yeah, but...

Oh, you old thing!

Get off!

# You and me

# Is all I need

# Together for evermore

# I'm pretty sure

# That even though we sometimes fight

# And you may bite

# We are brothers to the end

# My friend!

# Yeah, you may be my brother

# But you ain't my mother

# Don't mean to be rude but when we're in the school

# Don't come anywhere near me

# With your silly mug of tea

# Stay away from me

# Nathan, don't you see?

# You wear bright socks and have a girlie lunchbox

# You think you're Jay Z

# People be like, "Who he?"

# You wave to me at break

# How much more can I take?

# You make me physically sick!

# Get me out of here, quick!

# We are simply best friends

# No, we're not, we're enemies

# No-one could break this bond

-# No, no

-Yes, they could, I'm trying to

# We are simply best friends

# No, we're not, I'm sick of you

# Best friends till the end! #

He's gone, hasn't he?

BELL RINGS

Now on Hacker Time,

it's the exciting, nail-biting awe-inspiring part of the show,

where Hacker likes to say...

Ortis Deley - GET OUT!

Don't be offended, cocker -

it's the name of me fantastic game show.

-Oh, right.

-Are you excited?

-Oh, well, I am, yes, yes!

Reet. You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your gadget-filled life

in the real world.

Get a question right and you'll go up a level,

get one wrong, you go back down a level.

When the time's up,

you'll have either lit up enough buttons to leave,

or you'll end up on one of my other weird and wonderful floors -

Like Keith Teeth's boutique of denture fun!

So, what do you think about that, cocker?

Well, I do love me dentist,

but I'm not too sure I'd like Keith Teeth.

Yes, you would.

He's an 'andsome man.

Right, you've got until you hear this sound...

Meat Mash!

So, in 3, 2, Saturday... Go!

What was the first gadget to be featured

on the very first Gadget Show?

Er, a mobile phone.

No! It was a camcorder.

Next...it's me old mate, Acky G!

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George George, George

# It's Accordion George

# Acky G! #

Georges!

Oh, look who it is - me old mate Acky G.

But what tune is Accordion "Georges" playing?

Hit it, AG!

HE PLAYS "Moves Like Jagger"

What do you think, cocker?

-Moves Like Jagger.

-Correct! Let's to listen it!

# With them moves like Jagger

# I've got the moves like Jagger

# I've got the moves... #

Fantastic. Well done, Acky G.

You've upped your game, there, cocker.

Give us a nice big wave!

Now get out!

Right, the next one is this -

this little cup-faced chum is my mate Harry Tongue.

Can you tell me, which TV show has he been on this week?

Is it A, Countryfile or B, Blue Peter?

Erm...

Blue Peter?

Let's see if you're right.

Harry Tongue, I have told you, you're not having a gold badge.

BLUE PETER THEME

Correct!

Although - Harry, I've told you to keep away from Harwood.

He's not right!

Get away.

Right, next question.

Ortis - I have placed a gadget down by your right leg.

-Uh-huh.

-Elevate it to your podium.

Now, tell me, what is this gadget?

This...is a mango splitter.

Correct! Hey, you're doing marvellously well, cocker.

-Thank you.

-Herman...

Yes?

-Hey, Ortis...

-Yes?

Split that mango!

-Use that board, I don't want you messing up me podium.

-I will.

Don't want to make a mess. OK...

Good man. What do you do? Oh, oh, oh!

-It's splitting...

-He's doing well.

He's done this before, haven't you, cocker?

-Splitting... There we are.

-Oh, consider that mango split!

Brilliant, cocker. You may now disregard that filth.

-Next question.

-Yeah.

Which of your co-presenters has a corner named after them

on the Top Gear track?

Ah, that would be has a Mr Jon Bentley, Esquire.

-Bentley Bend.

-Wow!

You've won!

You've won, cocker. Yes, well done.

You've lit up all the buttons to the ground floor,

so you ARE allowed to leave!

-Oh, it's been lovely having you here, Ortis.

-Yeah, it's been great.

-Now, GET OUT!

-Yes!

HE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY

Any last words before you go, cocker?

Oh, yeah, I just wanted to say that...

Ha, ha, ha! What a lovely man.

He's literally my favourite guest of today.

That's it for now, cockers. I'm off to have me gable end re-pointed.

All that's left for me to do now is sing my little song -

join in if you know it!

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing we've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff

# It will be top-drawer

# Ortis from The Gadget Show

# Was my guest today

# We staged a programme set in 5014

# But then Hologram Wilf went and gave the whole game away

# That is it for now the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

This show is SO last century!