Sally Nugent Hacker Time

Hacker Time is NOT an actual time, do not set your alarm to it,

it won't go off!

Ooh! It's nearly here, people, the annual Hacker Time sports day!

Herman, are you still OK to do the three-legged race?

Yep! I'm ready!

Urgh, urgh, urgh...

I knew these would come in handy one day! Haha!

-Ooh, oh! Ow!

-CRASHING

Very good. Lolly, you're for the sack...

Oh! Oh! Huh?!

No, I don't mean you're fired, I mean, you're doing the sack race!

-Phew!

-Wilfred, how are the preparations

for the javelin coming along?

Urgh, I just can't get the hang of it!

Oh, dear, well we've got high hopes for the egg

-and spoon race, haven't we, Hacker?

-Don't be too sure!

-The spoon left me!

-THEY GASP

-What happened?!

-It ran away with the dish!

We're going to get married! We're going to get married!

I loved that spoon!

You gonna watch this?

You gotta watch this!

You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my programme hits you

So hard

Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

Thank you for watching me

It's telly, but not what you normally see

It feels good There's outtakes too

Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

So sit back - don't move too much

This is the show - ah! - you can't touch.

Hacker Time! Thank you!

Stand-by, everyone, we're on air in five...

four...

three...

two..

-one...

-Cue, Hacker!

Y'all right, cockers! Today's show is all about sport.

I love sport, me! Especially footie!

-On me head, Herman!

-Eh? Oh!

-Ooh!

-CRASHING

Wa-hey! A hole-in-one! We're getting good at this!

He's such a nincompoop!

I know! Everyone knows a hole-in-one is a tennis move!

Before we meet our very special sporting-themed guest,

we need to go out and catch one.

I hope they're not too sporty and run away! Ha-ha-ha!

Hi, I'm Sally Nugent, I'm here for a meeting about BBC Breakfast.

Sally Nugent? Right this way, follow me...

-Isn't it normally that way?!

-Get in the lift, love!

I thought it was that way?

KLAXON Help! Hello! Help me! Help!

LIFT DINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Sally Nugent!

Hiya, Sally! Come on in, cocker! You're on Hacker Time!

Oh, no! I'm not doing THIS show!

Sue Barker and Robbie Savage both told me you

-NOTHING about football!

-That's not true, I know loads!

OK? Who won the Premier League last season?

Erm... let's have a think... I know! It was a team?

You've already proved you know loads more than that Gary Lineker.

-Count me in!

-Oh, Sally, I'm so pleased.

We're going to have a great time together.

If all goes well, after the show, I'll take

you down to the Astroturfs for a quick game of swimming.

Derek! The fact file, if you will!

Righty-ho-ho!

Sally Nugent is a BBC Breakfast presenter who brings us

all the latest sporting news.

She's proved such a natural on the red Breakfast sofa, often

sitting upright on it and sometimes she'll lounge to the side.

-Oh, that's casual!

-Off-camera, the Breakfast team like to mess about.

Here's Bill proving what an enormous head he's got. Ha!

Her favourite sport is football. Here she is supporting

a local team of ghosts! Ooooh...

Which is nothing you need to know about Sally Nugent.

You remind me of a young me, Sally!

-SHE AND HERMAN CHAT QUIETLY

-Sally!

Urgh! I'm livid! Norman!

I've always admired your career from afar, Herman,

you'd make a great sports commentator!

-You really think so?

-You could be the next John Motson!

Oh, Sally! Have I got a good voice for sports commentating?

-Have I?

-No.

Yes, I have... Check this out...

Ahem...

Hacker one, Herman nil!

Because you're fired, Herman! Now get out of my sight!

-Bye, Sally!

-Bye, Herman, I'll text you later!

No, you won't!

Sorry about him, Sally, he thinks there's a sport called rugby!

What a fool!

We're going to have a lovely time together,

so it's time to dive headfirst into the menu.

Larry, do the honours!

Prepare to get into a cold sweat,

because today's show will be

a work-out for the mind, the body and the soul!

Oh, and probably also the tear ducts.

Coming up...

Hacker gets stuck on the second letter of the alphabet.

Bs. B, B, Bs.

In Aeroport,

the passengers react badly to the in-flight entertainment.

ANGRY SHOUTING

And guess who has written in to the Opinion Parlour again?

Anne from Eccles says, she likes running...

out of the living room when Hacker Time comes on!

All of this and more on Hacker Time!

I have to tell you, it's a right honour to have you here,

-Sally Nugget.

-It's Nugent.

-That's what I said, cocker!

It's now time to interview you in a manner that will be as informative

and interesting as anything you get on BBC Breakfast! Ahem!

Question one... What is sport?

Sport? What is sport?

Well, you know, think of your favourite sports like football,

tennis, cricket? Those are all some of my favourite sports.

-Hacker, are you listening to me?

-I don't get it. Next question...

As a sports presenter, you're sometimes joined by people

that are quite nervous on camera,

and really don't have a face for television.

-How IS Bill Turnbull, by the way?

-SHE GASPS

Don't you speak about my lovely Bill like that!

Good old Turny Bill Bull, as I call him!

Uncle Bill looks after us all and he is really kind.

And he's an expert on lots of things.

Does he ever bring bees in for you to look at?

-No, but he very often brings cake.

-Bee cake!

SHE LAUGHS

Billy, Billy, Turny, Bully, Bill-Bill!

And his muffins filled with bees!

-No, Hacker, he brings chocolate cake!

-Covered in bees?!

The man is a bee magnet! Bees! Bee, bee, bee, bees!

I suppose sometimes he does wear that white suit with the big,

-funny hat.

-Yes, he does.

-And he sometimes brings in the odd wasp, just to spite you.

-Oh, no!

Seriously, though, have you been in a situation

with a guest where you didn't know

much about the subject and literally had no idea what to ask them?

Well, that should never happen,

because we have a wonderful team of people who stay up all night...

'This is a mess... I've no idea what I'm saying...

'And all I can think about is how much I need to widdle...

-TRICKLING

-'Uh-oh. Widdling commencing!'

Hacker, what are you doing? HE GROANS

-Oh, I've really done it now...

-Oh, I don't believe it!

Sorry for widdling during an interview, Sally.

It's a trick I learnt from Charlie Stayt.

-Or as I call him, Chaz Right-State! Haha!

-Stop it!

He would never do that!

Moving on. You're from a sporting family.

I hear your mum was a tennis coach. Was she a 53-seater or a 24?!

Did she have cup-holders in the back of her seat?

-Hacker, you don't understand.

-Did she have an on-board lavatory?

-No, Hacker...

-Did she have an upper deck? Next question.

What's the worst interview you have ever done?

-I think it's probably this one.

-Very good.

Mine was with this woman with dark hair

who was a BBC Breakfast presenter.

She kept harping on about her mother being some sort of vehicle,

-or something.

-What was her name?

-Sally Nugget.

-SHE LAUGHS It's Nugent.

-Bless you.

What I always find really inspiring is that a lot of sports

presenters used to be professional sports people.

Sue Barker, tennis player. Gabby Logan, gymnast.

Sally Nugent, were you not good at anything, cocker?

Oh, I was rubbish at most things.

Well, Sally, you're not the only person at this desk

who's been robbed of sporting greatness.

I really hope I get picked for the team!

McGee, you're in.

Yes!

-Pole with eyes and tache...you're in...

-Oi!

There's still one space left on the team!

Changing room wall, you're in!

Oh, come on!

To be fair, the wall was awarded Man Of The Match.

Next question... Lots of sports now use Hawk-eye technology.

Would you consider using an osprey,

because I know one that's a MASSIVE fan of tennis.

-Osprey's a bird.

-No, it's not birds, Hacker,

it's like a computer, a really clever computer.

Anyway, Sally, we've gone off on terrible tangent...

or as you would say... a terrible Nugent...

Ey? Ey?! Little... Nothing?

-SHE SIGHS

-Nothing for that.

Let's move on from this horrible mess...

Larry, what's up next?

It's time to go to Wigan International for more

tales from the Aeroport.

Today, BRA Airlines is trying to save money and, to help them,

I have cut down this introduction by half.

Places to go, deadlines to keep and oversized luggage on tiny heads.

It's all just another day in the life of The Aeroport.

This is Wigan International Airport, where failing airline

Best Regional Airways desperately needs to cut its costs.

-Your seat is just over there, madam.

-Are you sure?

-Quite sure.

HE SNIFFS

ENGINE ROARS

So, to save money, we've all got to make cuts.

This morning, I got a paper cut!

I've also had me toenails cut, and earlier,

I cut Herman's sandwich into quarters! Whoo-hoo.

Oh, yeah, look at that. Very nice.

Well, they told me none of that stuff would count,

-so I've had to sack Herman. Hoohoo!

-You WHAT?!

CLANG!

In a bid to make more money out of passengers,

the airline has introduced some subtle new charges.

-Would you like an in-flight meal?

-Yes.

-Will you be planning to breathe?

-Yes.

-In AND out?

-Yes.

Yep, in that case, your extras will come to...

HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD

3,574 quid.

So, you're taking one suitcase for yourself, Mr Breadbin?

And what about your wife? Has she got any baggage?

She's been married 12 times, but apart from that, no.

Unfortunately, the cost saving measures don't finish once

-passengers have boarded the plane.

-Come on, then, get in.

-This is an absolute disgrace! Hey!

-Where is your boarding pass?!

Where is your pass?!

IT BLEATS

-He's got hooves for hands!

-But so have you!

-My mother was a horse.

-HE WHINNIES

To save fuel costs, we've been told we're only allowed to

take half the luggage with us on this flight.

So I've hired Herman back to cut every piece of luggage in half.

Wouldn't it be easier to leave half the bags behind?

Don't force me to fire you again, Herman. Now keep cutting!

It seems that the airline's budget cuts are affecting everyone.

Well, here's your lunch, Mrs Breadbin. Cold soup.

-Urgh! Can't I have it in a bowl?!

-They're extra!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that shortly

-we will be turning on the in-flight entertainment.

-Oh, very good, yes.

Now, do you like hilarious, original, laugh-out-loud comedy?!

ALL: Yes!

Well, that's a shame, cos we couldn't afford any of that,

so, here's an old episode of Hacker Time.

THEY GROAN

-THEY SHOUT ANGRILY

-Get it off.

HE VOMITS

ANGRY SHOUTING

Why would you do that? What's wrong with you? I was good in this.

Next time, the flight still doesn't leave the runway

and the engines are sold for scrap.

Even though we never left Wigan, I had a lovely time.

HE SNIFFS

Plus, several passengers seek professional help after being

forced to watch Hacker Time. THEY SOB

I mean, all the time, it's all Hacker Time!

HE SOBS AND SCREAMS

OK.

It's all just another day in the life of The Aeroport.

Top-quality tat, that, even if I do say so meself.

So, Sal... Can I call you Sal?

-Yes, I like Sal, all of my friends call me Sal.

-How about Simon?

-No.

Very well.

On BBC Breakfast you sometimes have to read viewer's e-mails, don't you?

Yeah, sometimes.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people at home

e-mailing in with their "opinions" like I'm meant to care!

Coming up now, it's time to find out what you at home have been

saying about the show, and I, for one, can't wait to hear it!

Over to you, Wilf and Herman...

Thanks, Hacker.

This is the Opinion Parlour,

the place where we look at your comments about the programme.

In honour of sports reporter, Sally Nugent,

we've been asking you about your favourite sports.

Anne from Eccles says she likes running...

Very good.

..out of the living room when Hacker Time comes on.

We've all done it.

Joseph from Azerbaijan got a bogey in golf.

He must be the green keeper! Get it?!

Moving on, if you've ever been interested in getting

your hands on some Hacker Time memorabilia,

have a look at this exclusive talking Hacker Doll.

It now says some of Hacker's most popular catchphrases!

'All right, cockers...'

If you'd like to get your hands on one of these exclusive dolls, send

us a cheque for £17 million along with a stamped, addressed envelope.

Ha-ha! That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.

Thanks for all your opinions.

'How much am I getting paid for this?'

I still haven't been paid for that!

Now, Sally, I've very much enjoyed having you here today,

-are you having a nice time?

-I'm loving it. It's a lot of fun.

Well, I've always been a big fan of yours ever

-since that wonderful day we met at Wimbledon.

-Aw, yeah!

-Look how happy we are.

-We were happy back then, weren't we?

-Yeah.

Which is why I'd like to sing about the subject... Ahem!

Hit it!

WIMBLEDON MUSIC PLAYS

# There's a woman, she talks sport But that don't bother me

# She appears on Breakfast and wakes up at half past three

# In my opinion she's got it all

# Cos she gets to sit next to Bill Turnbull

# Even though sport is a bore she leaves me wanting more!

# Sally! Sally Nugent

# Like John Motson but with better thighs

# Sally! Sally Nugent

# Please say that you'll be my wife

# I'll let you drag me to watch footie

# Pretend to listen when you talk rugby

# Sally! Sally Nugent

# Be my wife now, marry me! #

So what do you think, Sally? Will you marry me?

Hacker, I can't marry you, because I'm a human and you're a dog.

You've embarrassed me terribly, Nugent!

Larry, please do the menu whilst I exit gracefully...

HE SOBS

Stick around, folks, because the second-half line-up is a cracker!

Still to come on today's Hacker Time!

-Derek is worried he'll be a laughing stock.

-Huh!

I'll be a laughing stock!

-Hacker gets his coat.

-I'll get my coat.

And in the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club,

Josh refuses to allow any sort of political power to go to his head.

Never let any sort of political power go to your head!

All still to come on Hacker Time!

It's now time for my little poem about a little pigeon I know

called Jemima.

Oh, Jemima

With your wings so vast...

-That's enough of him for a bit. He DOES talk rubbish!

-I know.

Hey, Derek, I'm really excited about the sports day later.

I've got new trainers especially for it!

Oh, no! I've forgotten me sports kit!

Oh, dear, that means you're going to have to wear something from...

HE GASPS ..lost property!

Oh, no, no, no, Lorraine!

-Oh, yes, yes, yes...

-I'll be a laughing stock!

Derek! I brought your sports kit!

An old pink vest and pants.

Mother! You saved me from total embarrassment!

Anything for my Dezzy Bear! Right, I'm off to get

ready for the mothers' race! Hup-hup-hup-hup, away!

She's got a REALLY embarrassing run, hasn't she?!

I know! Good job I didn't inherit that gene!

Mother! Wait for me!

Hup-hup-hup, hey-hey! Hup-hup-hup, hey-hoo!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the most important

event on any sports person's calendar.

We're bringing you live coverage

from the International World Global Federation Games Championships!

Hello and welcome to

The International World Global Federation Games Championships.

It's the pinnacle of every sports person's career and in this

programme we will have the best of all of today's action.

First up, it's time to go poolside where we can go live to

Hacker T Dog. Hacker!

-Hello, Sally!

-Hello, Hacker. Great Britain has high hopes

for medals in the swimming events.

What's happening there at the moment?

There's a man with a hairy back applying lotion.

A woman in an ill-fitting swim suit and something brown

floating in the pool, which no-one seems that bothered about.

That's a bit odd. Have any of the races started?

Racing? There's no racing allowed here, cocker! Oh, no!

-What about the diving?

-Not here, no, it's forbidden.

Hacker, where are you?

I'm at a water park in Benidorm. I fancied a holiday.

Hacker! You're meant to be reporting on The International World Global

Federation Games Championship swimming! Get back here now!

Fine, but I hope you realise this means I'll miss

the Hawaiian barbecue! Can't believe it!

How am I meant to work like this?

Sorry, Sally. Just keep it going...

Hacker's on his way to the next location. Cue, Sally.

Plenty of sporting action still to come.

We'll be joining Wilf at the dominoes tournament very soon.

But first we can go back to Hacker now,

who's live at the field events for us.

-Hacker?

-Hello, Sally, I'm here but no-one's turned up yet.

No-one? It's a 12,000-seater stadium!

Can you at least see the preparations for the field events?

Javelin, hammer, discus?

There's nothing to discuss with anyone, cocker. I'm all alone,

I've made that perfectly clear.

Hacker, you ARE at the International World Federation Games Championship

field event stadium, aren't you?

Ah. No, I'm in my local field in Wigan. Was that not right?

-No!

-I suppose I better get out of here, then.

SHE SIGHS Herman, this is a total shambles.

Keep going, Sally. The next bit's really simple. Look.

Even Hacker couldn't mess it up.

-Oh. That is true.

-Cue, Sally.

Now to go to something that no-one can possibly get wrong.

Let's go to the cycling. Hacker, are you there?

So, not recycling then? I'll get me coat!

I don't know why I bother!

All right, Sally, you wouldn't believe the day I've had.

There was this terrible woman in studio that...

Hacker, I'm fed up of this! I'm out of here!

No, no, Sally! You can't go! Don't go!

Did you not want to talk to our special guest?

-I've booked Sir Steve Redgrave!

-Knowing you,

it's probably Sir Steve Red Gravy Boat or something!

-But Sally...

-I don't want to hear it, I'm off!

No, Sally, no! Don't go! Sally!

That's a shame...

I don't know how Sir Steve is going to take this...

-Steve?

-Hello.

-Sir Steve, Sally's gone. The interview's off.

You're joking! I was really looking forward to that!

-Never mind, maybe next time.

-Yeah, next time.

-See you, Hacker. Bye.

Goodbye, Sir Steve, five-time Olympic gold medallist.

What a lovely woman he is!

That's it from The International... Global...something...

What's it called again? Never mind... GOODBYE!

Ladies and gentlemen, the sporting theme continues

because it's time to be entertained by those good sports at

the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club!

BELL RINGS

Yes, vote for me, cockers. Off you pop! That's it.

Vote for me, cockers, and you won't go far wrong.

Josh? Why you dressed like that?!

I'm running for a class president, cocker.

Oh, you should hear my policies.

# I promise frequent ice cream breaks

# I'll dish out free pork pies and cakes

# If you should vote for me

# I pledge to outlaw school blazers

# Arm you all with deadly lasers

# If you should vote for me

# I'll forbid science French and maths

# Ban you all from taking baths

# If you should vote for me

# I'll make you all bow down to me

# Oppress your lives Cause misery

# If you should vote for me. #

# Josh, please, stop it Don't be cruel

# You're causing ructions round the school

# You've been campaigning half an hour

# Already you've gone mad with power

# Be a lover, not a hater No-one likes the school dictator. #

Aw, YEAH!

# Nathan, you're totally right

# I haven't been too bright

# Please, do not vote for me. #

So, have you learned your lesson, then,

-to stop being a power-hungry tyrant?

-Yes!

-Never let any sort of political power go to your head.

-Good.

-Then back to class we go.

-Guards, take this man away!

What?! What the...?!

-What IS the meaning of this?! Ahhh!

-BELL RINGS

And now, it's time for the exciting climax of today's show.

It's the televised quiz with a difference,

the difference being, it's terrible!

It's time to hand over to the once popular Hacker T Dog.

Sally Nugent...GET OUT...

..is the name of the next bit of the show.

It's me big game show! You see, I've had enough of you for one day,

-so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio!

-Charming!

You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your normal life.

Get a question right and you'll go up a level.

Get one wrong, you go back down a level.

When the time's up you'll either leave

or end up on one of my other weird and wonderful floors.

Like the one that's hosting

Rex and Billy's Balloon Folding Workshop.

What do you think about that, cocker?

That sounds terrible, I've got to get out.

You've got until you hear this sound...

Fiddle-de-dee!

So without further ado, in three, two, badminton, GO!

Who came second in Sports Personality of the Year 2013?

As a clue, his surname is no longer a legal unit of money.

Sterling. Raheem Sterling. No, Pound...

-Incorrect! It was Lee Halfpenny. Sorry about that!

-Oh!

What TV show has my sidekick, Harry Tongue, appeared on this week?

Here he is. Match Of The Day, or Question Of Sport?

-Match Of The Day.

-Let's have a look!

When you said we had the actual cup in the Match Of The Day studio,

I didn't think you meant this bit of tat!

-Sorry, Harry, you're relegated.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

Correct, well done, cockers!

Which sporting commentator has been McGee'd in this picture?

Tim Henman.

Yes, it is. Tim Henman! Well done.

Which is heavier - the World Cup, or the Champions League Trophy?

The World Cup.

Incorrect. The answer is the Champions League Trophy.

Which sport was Wilf practising when he made this noise?

SQUEAKING

SPLASH

That's going to rust.

-Oh. Fly fishing?

-No, sadly not. It was triathlon.

-But he forgot to get off the bike before he went in the water.

-Ah! OK.

The next one is, catch this.

-Hurray.

-Caught it!

-She caught the meat. Lovely.

Sling it on the floor, get rid of it, lovely meat on the floor.

The next one is this. Do the Mobot.

Quickly, followed by the Lightning Bolt.

-I can't remember the Lightning Bolt.

-Incorrect!

-No, nil-nil. Incorrect.

-Too slow.

Too late now, you can't get involved now.

Which BBC Breakfast presenter's name is an anagram of...

Say that again, please, Hacker.

-Louise Minchin.

-Correct!

Which Olympic sport is also something that often

-surrounds a garden?

-Fencing?

Correct!

Fiddle-de-dee.

Bad luck, Sally!

You did really badly. But you have ended up on floor minus three,

which means, you will be spending some time

with Reginald Oblong's Room of Angry Triangles.

You didn't help there, Harry, get away from me.

What do you think about that?

-That's terrible, that means I'm stuck here for ever.

-I'm afraid so.

Now, Sally, get out!

Just tell my friends and family that I'm going to try and escape

-if I possibly can.

-Any last words before you go?

-Hacker, you have got to try and get me...

-Bye-bye!

How delightful it was to have Susanna Reid on my show again.

I've got to go now, it's almost time for the Hacker Time sports day,

I want to see how the dish and spoon get on.

I've just got time to sing us out, sing along,

you must know the words by now, it's been four series!

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tonnes of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Sally Nugent joined me here

# She really is the best

# We hosted a little sporting show

# But by the time my special guest showed up, Sally had already left...

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# See you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

We're still getting married!