Maisie Smith Hacker Time

If you are affected by any of the issues in today's Hacker Time,

then watch something else.

Good news, everyone.

The ratings for the show have come in and they're off the chart.

Hurray!

The bad news is they're off the chart in the wrong direction.

We've lost all our viewers.

They can't both have switched off.

But why?

LOLLY: Because this show's a load of old tat.

The trouble is when people think of Hacker Time,

they think of one character who's been letting us down

and if we want to boost the ratings, we have to get rid of him.

Yeah, he's got no talent.

He looks a bit scruffy.

He's stupid, unfunny and totally one-dimensional.

And worst of all, he gets paid more than the rest of us put together.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

Harry Tongue, you've had your day!

That's better.

Let's get on with the show!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good and there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips it's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is the show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! # Thank you.

Stand by, then, everyone. We're on air in five,

four, three,

two, one.

Cue Hacker!

You all right, me mighty cockers?

Welcome to the show.

-Today's special guest is one of the biggest names on TV.

-Hiya, Hacker.

Not you! Get out, Ricky.

What a lovely woman.

No, today's guest is a proper person

and she should be arriving any minute.

She just doesn't know it yet.

Hi, I'm Maisie and I'm here for EastEnders.

-Yep, yeah, it's this way, get in the lift.

-What?

-That way.

-No, it's that way.

-No, they've moved it for tax purposes. Get in.

-No, it's that way.

-Get in the lift.

-No, it's definitely that way.

Shut the doors.

Down.

ALARM BLARES

She plays Tiffany in EastEnders, it's Maisie Smith.

You all right, me old cockney sparrow?

Welcome to Hacker Time.

Oh, I'm not doing this.

EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS

Sorry, that was the alarm that means the lift's broken.

You'll have to stay now.

Derek, the fact file.

Coming right up, me little cockney owls.

Maisie Smith has played Tiffany in EastEnders since she was six.

Just as the Butcher family

were forming an ill-advised hip-hop group.

Since then she's perfected the art

of subtly drawing attention to her jewellery,

wearing scarves and gloves made of candyfloss and

sporting a side plait whilst looking smugly at her screen mum Bianca.

And that's pretty much nothing you need to know about Maisie Smith.

Well, I never knew any of that, Maisie.

Maisie?

I don't believe it!

And after playing Hamlet in the West End,

I became a major Hollywood star.

Wow! Have you ever thought about going back into acting?

No, no, it's all behind me now.

After winning my third Oscar

I wanted a job that would challenge me more.

-Herman!

-Yeah?

-I've got a challenge for you.

-Hm?

The toilet's blocked again.

Well, I wasn't treated like this on Mission: Impossible 3.

Mind you, this could be Mission: Impossible 4.

It's blocked, I chucked all his Oscars in it. Ha-ha.

Talking of toilets, we've got a show to do.

Larry, the menu.

Oh, you'll laugh until you trump a little tune

when you see what we've got in store.

Coming up, Hacker uncovers a behind the scenes scoop from Albert Square.

You're trumping on her knee, you're guffing on her thigh!

It's service with a smile at the Aeroport.

You smell like a rubbish dump.

And Herman and Wilf look at more of your photos.

My flash wasn't working.

All this and more on Hacker Time.

Oh, there's so much in this show, it makes my tiny brain go

woof, woof, woof, bah!

Pop, pop, whoo, whoo!

But first, it's time for the big interview.

Are you ready, Maisie Smith off EastEnders?

-Yeah.

-Belting.

Question one, I'm a massive fan of your programme,

I love Deidre Barlow, I love the Woolpack,

I love how you all work at Holby General Hospital

with your grating Australian accents

and your diplomas from Hollyoaks Community College.

-It's a great show, Waterloo Road, ain't it?

-What?

-I'm in EastEnders, not Waterloo Road.

-EastEnders?

Oh, I never watch that rubbish, no.

I'm just kidding, cocker. I do watch that muck.

Maisie, you're a proper actress in a way,

have you ever won a Soap Award?

I have won one Soap Award and a couple of Inside Soap awards.

All right, love, there's no need to brag.

-I've won a Soap Award too, you know? Look!

-Really?

The trouble is it's worn away in the bath.

I think I've been a little overzealous around my crevices.

-Maisie, can you speak cockney rhyming slang?

-A little bit.

OK then, what does this phrase mean in normal English?

Apples and pears.

Stairs?

-No, apples and pears are two types of fruit.

-Yeah, OK.

Oh, I love EastEnders really, but everyone's always shouting.

That wouldn't happen in real life.

Psst, Mr Hacker, I've brought your fair-trade, decaf,

-soya milk mocaccino.

-SHOUTING:

-What do you call this?

I ask for vegan friendly chocolate sprinkles, Herman!

Now get out!

EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS

And fix that lift, will you? It's getting right on my nerves.

-Of course I was once in EastEnders, cocker.

-Really?

-I acted with you, do you remember?

-No.

Peer at this, cockle.

You rang, Lady Tiffany?

Have you polished the silver?

I certainly have, your highness, although might I say,

Lady Tiffany, I'm getting rather tired of your constant demands.

-Have you laid the fire in my bedroom as I ordered?

-Well, yes, I have.

But as I was saying, your royal bidding

is starting to become unbearable. Next you'll be telling me that

I have to kiss your hand or something ridiculous.

Right, you may kiss my hand.

Right, if you think I'm kissing that thing, you must be mad.

It stinks, where's it been, love?

You know the rules of the game, you have to do everything I say

when I say it.

What am I? Your butler or something?

Oh.

What do you think of that, cocker?

-It's good.

-That took minutes, that.

On the show, you're always harping on about Albert Square, ain't ya?

But who is this Albert Square bloke? I've never heard of him.

-It's the name of the street.

-Ooh, yeah.

I should've known that.

Whoever heard of a shape with a person's name?

Oh, hang on a minute, how dare you!

My name is Reginald Oblong

and we shape people are tired of being ignored by society.

Get out and take your unequal sides with you, Reg.

You haven't heard the last of this.

I'm letting Bernard Dodecahedron know!

Get out, you sickening shape.

I'm sorry about that, Maisie.

We had a break in by a family of convex polygons last week.

Moving on, how long have you been in EastEnders?

Seven years.

Oh, seven years, cocker. In that case,

let's take a look at some of the highlights from your career.

Do you remember the time you trumped on Bianca's knee?

-Look! There's evidence, you're trumping on her knee!

-No, I didn't.

-You're guffing on her thigh.

-I didn't!

-Do you remember the time that you got married to Dot Cotton?

-No.

Peer at the evidence.

You are legally bound to Dorothy Cotton for all eternity.

I'm not married, that's so wrong.

I have another picture to put in front of your very eyes.

Do you remember the time that you were crying

because your face turned into a massive bowl? Look!

You've got a bowl for a face.

No wonder you're upset, cocker,

I bet you had currants weeping from your pigeon eyes.

I was licking cake mixture from the bowl.

Yeah, well, they all say that when their face turns into a bowl.

I remember I wept for a week when my leg turned into a muffin tray.

Moving on, are you anything like your character Tiffany in real life?

Erm...

yeah, a little bit.

I mean, I'm nothing like the character I portray on screen.

You should see me in the dressing room before the show, cocker.

Ooh, you wouldn't recognise me.

I think it was Shakespeare who said a fool thinks himself to be wise,

but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hacker, it's almost time for the bit when you lick a stoat for no reason.

Coming.

Three, two, one.

Nyah!

Ahh!

HE CRIES

What have I become?

EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS

And that lift's still broken.

Larry, cut to something else.

Pack your bags, because we're jetting off to the Aeroport next.

Today's episode is all about customer service

or the lack of it.

Oh, it's a terrible place, you'll see.

Places to go, deadlines to keep and planes moving around,

it's all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.

Here at Wigan International, the airport's largest airline,

Best Regional Airlines, prides itself on its customer service.

That pass looks fraudulent.

It doesn't matter if you're David Beckham or a bin man,

I treat everyone the same.

I don't care if you've got a ticket, you're not getting on,

you smell like a rubbish dump

and as for you, Mr David Beckham,

you stink of toilets.

For me, good customer service is all about communication.

I'm pleased to announce that we are now boarding rows A to F.

With the exception of rows B,

C

and D.

E

and F

and also row A.

Rows T to N, you'll actually be travelling on a different plane

which is now boarding at gate nine

from a different airport.

I'm the BRA support manager here at the aeroport.

I'm not allowed to talk to any of the passengers but my job is

to make sure their luggage is treated with care and dignity.

This one's called Vivien. Oh.

-Herman.

-Yeah?

-Catch Vivien.

I've been working for BRA Airways for 17 years now.

One of the biggest parts of my job is keeping all the passengers calm

and I'm dead good at that, me.

Guess what, everyone? There's going to be a celebrity on today's flight.

CHEERING AND MUSIC PLAYS

-I wonder what celebrity it's going to be.

-Oh, what if it's Lady Gaga?

What if it's Harry Styles?

What if it's Vivien the suitcase?

MUSIC STOPS

Just me, then.

Or maybe it's an old Doctor Who.

No, it's me.

Wahey! Brilliant.

You're just in time for the arrival of the celebrity.

It's me.

Yeah, you said that, Yonko, now get out the way or we'll miss 'em.

-Sorry.

-Get in.

-I know, excuse me.

Not going to lie,

it was a little bit embarrassing not being recognised

but in the end, I managed to get some seats all to myself

in the terminal.

I got kicked off the plane for talking about Doctor Who too much.

Can you move, please? These seats are taken.

Sorry.

Excuse me? Aren't you...

-Yes.

-..going in the wrong direction?

That's the celebrity exit, you've no place going that way.

This way for you, come on.

-OK, I'm going. Thank you.

-Off you go.

Next time,

Herman successfully loads all the bags onto the plane.

And Chris Johnson finally does get recognised.

Are you Chris Johnson?

Yes. Yes, I am, yes.

Oh, if you'd like to follow me, sir,

you're under arrest for loitering in a celebrity area of the airport.

Come on.

Just another day in the life of the Aeroport.

Oh, I can't tell you how much fun I had making that.

So I won't.

Oh, we're back on! Welcome back, everyone.

It's now time to hear some of your worthless views

in the Opinion Parlour. Now go away and leave us in peace, will ya?

Now, did I ever tell you about the time that

I shrank Mo Slater's knick-knacks in the laundrette?

-Really?

-Oh, Dot Cotton was furious.

This is the Opinion Parlour.

Where your opinion matters very little.

This week, we asked you which soaps you enjoy watching.

Yeah, Anne from Eccles writes,

"The soap I enjoy watching

"is my bottle of antibacterial hand wash

"because it's better than watching this Hacker Time rubbish."

Fair point, Anne.

Douglas from the Isle of Dogs e-mailed in to say,

"I like Emmerdale,

"not the programme, my neighbour, Emma Dale.

"The trouble is she hates me."

Yes, and we also asked you to send in pictures

-of the most dramatic moment of your lives.

-Yes.

Anne from Eccles e-mails in again to say,

"This is me reacting to the awful news

"that Hacker Time was back for another series."

And finally, we have a photo from Gillian in Barnsley who says,

"This is me reacting to the news that my flash wasn't working."

If you want to get in touch with us here at the Opinion Parlour,

-simply call this number.

-Three.

Calls cost £750 million from a landline.

And calls from a mobile phone in Venezuela

will cost considerably more.

Don't forget to ask permission from the Portuguese Government

-before dialling.

-Yeah. Bye!

-What actually am I holding?

-What a pair of mooeys.

-I don't know why I pay them.

-You don't pay us!

-Oh, yeah.

-Maisie, you're from a big family in EastEnders, aren't ya?

-Very.

Is it difficult to remember exactly who you're related to?

I don't even know.

Well, fear ye not, cocker, for I can help via the gift of music.

Hit it.

# Oh, Ricky is her father and Bianca's her mother

# Morgan and Liam They're her brothers

# Cousins, Rebecca and Amy Mitchell

# Lauren and Abi Cousins once removed

# There's Uncle Robbie and Auntie Sonia

# Great Uncle Max, Great Uncle Jack

# Great Auntie Tanya Great Auntie Kirsty

# And Great Uncle Derek who's dead

# David and Carol are Bianca's parents

# Which makes them Tiffany's grandpa and nan

# Her other grandparent was called Pat Butcher

# She was once married to Ricky's old man

# But her son was David Wickes which knocks this family tree for six

# Cos it means she's the grandma and great gran but it doesn't matter

# She's dead

# She's also related to Roxy and Ronnie

# And probably Mo, Kat and Alfie and Tommy

# Everyone in the borough of Walford is Tiff's auntie or distant nephew

# Cousins in Corrie Nieces in Holby

# The village of Emmerdale is her future hubby

# The whole of telly is in her family tree

# That's unless they're brown bread - dead! #

Is that any easier to remember, Uncle Maisie?

-No, not really.

-Oh, never mind.

There's still plenty more confusing stuff to come,

isn't that right, Grandma? I mean Larry!

That's right, Hacker.

Today's show will be more dramatic than Kat Slater's wardrobe.

We've got Maisie's soap mum Bianca dropping in.

I'm here for my weekly supply of oversized silver jackets.

We put our best feet forward in the Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club.

-And Maisie Smith has her chance to...

-Get out!

..in our end of the show quiz.

That's all still to come on today's Hacker Time.

If you're wondering, yes,

Accordion George is a personal friend of mine, oh, yes.

Accy G, I met him down by the river one day...

Oh, this show is tat.

Oh, I'd rather watch a good old soap.

Ooh, like EastEnders.

Oh, no, Lolly, those soaps are so unbelievable.

All those big dramas they have.

I mean, I live with my mother and our lives are very uneventful.

-Oh, really?

-Derek!

Mother, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to tell you, I'm leaving...

THEY GASP

..your dinner in the oven. It's chop and mash night tonight.

Although, you might as well not bother coming home...

THEY GASP

..until you finished all your work,

I know what a busy little bee you are.

Oh, and one final thing, Derek,

I've never loved ya...

THEY GASP

..more than I do at this very moment.

What a strange woman.

Oh, by the way, on a serious note,

your bedroom's exploded, your Auntie Eileen's been abducted by aliens

and your father thinks he's a potato. Bye.

What was that, Mother? Mother, what was the end bit?

The potato thing. Mother, Mother!

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents everyone's favourite soap,

it's The Cockneys.

EASTENDERS THEME ON ACCORDION

That'll be 43p for the tight leather jacket, please, Shirley.

-There you go. Cheers, darling.

-Thank you.

-I love a bit of tat.

-See you soon.

-Bye.

Badly made garments. Get your badly made garments.

Three for a pound.

I'll get a customer soon, surely.

-Yeah?

-No, I said surely, not Shirley.

-Oh, my mistake. Bye, darling.

-Bye.

Oh, look, there's that Phil Mitchell. Hope he don't want no trouble.

-All right? What's going on here?

-I'm just looking after the stall.

Do you want to buy anything?

No. I'm just here to look out for you, ain't I? Cos we're family.

-We ain't family.

-Yes, we are.

I'm your mother's father's uncle's sister's gibbon's cousin, ain't I?

Oh, yeah. Forgot.

Now, this chequered tablecloth,

is it bothering you? Cos if it is, I swear I'll do time.

No.

This clothes rack, is it bothering you? If it is, I swear I'll do time.

-No.

-Oh.

This entire sketch, is it bothering you?

Cos if it is, I swear I'll do time.

-Yeah, it is, as a matter of fact.

-Yeah, me too. See you.

-Never mind. It will all be over soon, surely.

-Yeah?

-Not you, Shirley.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, look. Here comes that Kat Slater. She always loves a good bargain.

All right, girl, how much for this ill fitting, synthetic,

-zebra-print blouse?

-£12.

I'm not happy with that. Let's barter.

I'll give you 13 for it.

You're meant to barter down, not up.

-All right. 14.

-No, but... Fine, then. 15.

-30.

-31.

£425 million

and that's my final offer.

Done. And you have been.

I like you, girl, cos you're family.

-We ain't family.

-Yes, we are.

I'm your mother's father's uncle's sister's gibbon's cousin's

son's mother, ain't I? Bye.

-That's not right. Surely.

-Yeah?

-Get out.

-Oh, sorry.

-Ricky! Ricky!

-Oh, no. It's my soap mum, Bianca.

-Ricky!

-Mum, what are you talking about? Ricky left years ago.

I know. I was talking to my Ricky from Newsround doll.

Anyway, right, treacle,

I'm here for my weekly supply of oversized silver jackets.

I'll take seven, please.

Mum, I hate to tell you this, but those jackets,

-they just don't suit you.

-How can you say that to me?

-I'm only telling you because you are my mother.

-No, I'm not!

EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS

I am your mother's father's uncle's sister's gibbon.

What? That's not right, surely.

Yes?

APPLAUSE

By the way, I'm your mother.

GASPS

Actually, they're all wrong. I'm her mother.

Well, now it's time for more life lessons through

the medium of bad music.

It's the Quarter Past 4 O'clock Club.

And that's why the answer is pie.

Josh, what's wrong?

Everybody's always laughing at me because I'm different.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Josh, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being different.

# Listen

# People, they must say you're weird

# Weird

# People say that you're a freak

# Freak

# Being different is a talent

# Talent

# Being different is unique

# Unique

# So why not put on a wig Put on the dress

# Put on the false eyelashes and wear that nose

# Go without clothes Sport seven inch moustaches

# Why not dress as a fox, knit your own socks, where those glasses

# And hang out with seals Wear your mum's heels and dance

# We're different, different

# Yeah, yeah

# We're different

# D-d-d-d-d-d-different

# Oh, yes

# We're different

# You're different too, cocker

# Different, different, too. #

Oh, thanks for the advice, cocker. Now, I'm proud to be different.

Actually, Josh, you're not so different any more.

My song was so successful, we've changed the school uniform.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Bum!

ALARM BELL

Now on Hacker Time, it's the exciting, nail-biting,

awe-inspiring part of the show,

where Hacker likes to say...

Maisie Smith, get out!

..is the name of this studio item. It's my big game show.

-Are you excited, cocker?

-Yeah.

-Hurrah.

You'll be fighting to go back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your cockney friends.

Get a question right and you go up level.

Get one wrong and you go back down a level.

When the time's up,

you'll have either lit up all the buttons to leave or you'll

end up in one of my other weird and wonderful floors,

like Reginald Oblong's room of angry triangles.

-I don't want to go there.

-You have got until you hear this sound...

"All right, treacle?"

So in three, two, pancakes, go!

First question, in EastEnders, who is Tiffany's mother's

brother's sister's mother's oldest child's youngest daughter?

Erm... Wellard?

Good answer, cocker, but it's you. Tiffany, cocker.

Next one. Which bright young pop sensation has been posing

for an album cover with my popular sidekick, Harry Tongue?

Is it A, Elyar Fox,

B, Ollie Marland,

or C, George from Union J?

-C, George from Union J.

-Oh, let's find out.

In your dreams, Harry.

Ain't correct. It was actually Elyar Fox.

And Harry, stop hanging round with these pop stars.

Which of these has never been a Walford business?

Is it A, Beale's Place,

B, Branning's Tanning,

or C, Butcher's Joints?

-B, Branning's Tannings.

-Correct.

Next question, which EastEnders character

have we McGeed in this picture?

Alfie Moon.

Correctamundo!

It was TV's Alfred Moon. Next question.

Catch this!

Very good, cocker.

Next question. What's in Derek's lunchbox today?

Here's a clue.

A fishy East End treat that sounds like it's a sweet.

You might want to wobble it before you go and gobble it.

Jelly?

Very close. Let's find out.

It's a jellied eel.

Oh, it's jellied eels but we'll give you that, cocker. We'll give it.

Well done, cockle.

All right, treacle.

Hard luck. You only made it to floor -1, which means you're going

to Carl the Sheep's celebrity toenail emporium.

What do you think about that, cocker?

-I don't want to go there. I hate feet.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, get out. Go on.

Get in the lift.

But, Maisie, before you go, do you have anything you'd like to say?

Yeah, actually, I'd like...

What a lovely Scottish lady.

That's all for today.

I'm off to listen to some dire folk music on Radio 2,

but first it's time for me to do some dire music of my own.

Join in, cockers.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav So I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time, on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Maisie Smith, that cockney gal dropped in from Albert Square

# I played her family in a sketch designed to

# Showcase my collection of ridiculous hair

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav And so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

Are these words bothering you because, if they are,

I swear I'll do time!