Radzi & Lindsey Hacker Time

Warning - the following programme

will make your eyes leave your face in disgust.

OK, everyone, I've noticed you've all been very down lately.

Not one of you has cracked a smile in the last month.

That's cos I can't smile.

There's only one way to boost morale in a situation like this.

I'm going to hand out badges to recognise your talents.

-I'm easily swayed by token gestures.

-OK.

The badge for best worker goes to...

DRUMROLL

-Lolly!

-Well done, very well deserved.

The badge for the best hair goes to...

-DRUMROLL

-Come on, Herman. Come on, Herman.

Lolly as well!

Oh, and I'd just had my perm topped up.

The badge for best person named Wilf goes to...

DRUMROLL

-Lolly!

-What?

I've never liked her.

And the award for the best victim of a falling comedy prop goes to...

DRUMROLL

Yes, yes, yes, we know, it's Lolly, it's always Lolly.

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Lolly!

Lorraine!

Actually it was you, Hacker.

HE GROANS

Ooh, my spinal column.

Run the titles!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say oh, my word

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good and there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! # Thank you.

Stand by, then, everyone.

We're on air in five, four, three, two, one.

But I don't even work here.

Cue Hacker!

All right, cockers! Welcome to Hacker Time. Hurrah.

Today's show is all about Blue Peter.

Oh, you called?

No, no, I said Blue Peter, not you, Turquoise John.

Oh, my mistake.

-Yeah, and you can take Aquamarine Sue with you and all.

-We're leaving!

CAR SPEEDS AWAY

Anyway, my guests should be arriving just about now.

Not that they know it yet.

HE LAUGHS

-HE COUGHS

-Excuse me.

-Hi, sorry to disturb you.

-Hi.

-It's Radzi and Lindsey.

-We're here for Blue Peter.

-Excuse me, is it Rodney and Linda?

-No, no.

-Who's that?

-Radzi and Lindsey.

-That's right, mate, get in the lift, then.

-Oh, no...

-No, no, it's this way. Get in the lift, come on.

-No, no.

Get in the lift.

-Come on, in you get.

-We're here for Blue Peter.

-The doors are closing!

-What?

Down.

ALARM BLARES

THEY YELL

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Radzi and Lindsey!

Rodney and Linda, welcome to Hacker Time!

It's actually Radzi and Lindsey.

Hate to rain on your parade,

we're supposed to be filming Blue Peter today.

Oh, I'm sorry, cockers, you'll have to stay now

because the lift's broke.

-Is it? I don't think it is.

-No, it's not.

In fact it's definitely not broken.

It is now!

In that case, let's get on with it.

Derek, the fact file if you will.

Coming up, me little owl.

Radzi and Lindsey are off some programme called Blue Peter.

Never heard of it.

Lindsey got the job when she was voted in by the public

after a series of gruelling challenges.

A few months later, Radzi breezed in

after beating a pot plant in a hairstyle competition.

When they're not in the studio,

they spend their free time dressing as street mime artists

and that's nothing you need to know about Radzi and Lindsey.

I think we all learned a lot from that, don't you agree,

Radzi and Lindsey?

Radzi and Lindsey! Oi!

What are you doing over there?

Well, they're helping me sort through the Hacker Time fan mail,

-Mr Hacker.

-Ooh, let me have a look.

Ooh! Lindsey, is there anything for me in that massive sack?

Well, actually, look at all that, that's really impressive.

-Yeah, sorry though, Hacker, they're actually all for Herman.

-What?

No, no, there is one for you, Hacker.

Oh, let me read it, then.

"Dear Hacker, I wanted to tell you that I am a massive fan...

"..of Herman! Love from Hacker's mum!"

Right, that does it!

Herman, I've got some more letters for you, actually.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

G-O A-W-A-Y.

-Spells go away. Yeah. Go away, Herman! Go away!

-Bye, then.

-Go on, then, get out.

-Aw.

-That's not very nice.

-Not at all.

That man is an assault on all the senses.

Let's get on with the show.

Lazza, the menu.

On today's Hacker Time, we'll make you laugh until your head sweats.

Coming up, Hacker makes Radzi angry.

It's up and up and away in the Aeroport.

PARP!

-Is that your life vest deflating?

-Nope.

And there's a case of mistaken identity.

Oi! What are you doing? I'm Hacker, not you.

All this and more on Hacker Time.

What a treat for all concerned.

But first, it's time to conduct my little interview.

-Are you ready my clean-cut, humanoid presenting chums?

-Yes.

-Born ready.

-Born ready, Hacker.

-Belting. Lindsey.

-Yes.

-Lindsey Russell.

-Mm-hm.

No, no, Lindsey. Lindsey, rustle these papers on my desk, go on.

I haven't got all day. Give them a quick rustle, cocker.

Thank you. I can't stand silent stationery.

-Radzi.

-Yes.

Radzi Chin...

Radzi Chin...

Radzi Chim-chiminey-chim-chim-cheree.

Radzi, how do you pronounce your surname?

Dodge.

Made a funny. It's not like you, cocker.

-Now, Radzi.

-Yes.

-You present three shows on CBBC, don't you, cocker?

-I do.

Blue Peter, Wild and Match Of The Day Kickabout, is that right?

That's right.

Wouldn't it be better to concentrate on one and do it well?

Yeah, you can have that, it's true.

Cheers, cockers, I've seen them and they're muck.

Right, while you're both here, I've got a confession to make.

I'm afraid I've been doing my business in the Blue Peter garden.

That's right, I'd like to buy 16 shares

to increase my gross profit by 25%.

Good day to you, sir!

Now to do a massive plop.

I think I might've plopped onto the time capsule. Oh, no, stop it.

Yes, madam, no.

Oh, I hope you're not too angry with me, Radzi,

-because I know what you can get like.

-Really?

-OK.

-Come on.

-One, two, three.

Good man, good man.

Brilliant. OK, now let's keep moving.

HE GROANS

Keep moving now, OK? You're going to push off. OK, good.

Now very quickly just duck down, get your shoulders in the water

and come back up.

-I've never been so cold in all of my life.

-Or green.

-Or green, exactly.

Didn't Radzi have a fine figure in that clip?

And such a lovely natural skin tone.

Just like me!

Now Lindsey, you were the first Blue Peter presenter

to be picked by a public vote, what was it like, cocker?

-It was a real compliment and the best day of my life.

-Aw.

But do you remember when I nearly ruined everything for you

during You Decide?

-No.

-Well, let's have a look.

Hidden in these three boxes in front of you are a type of food

-penguins would eat.

-What?

Ha-ha, sh.

Dunk your hand. What can you feel?

That's a shrimp.

-Ooh, she's going to think I'm a fish.

-OK.

-Oh, my goodness, that's a fish.

-Yeah, what kind of fish?

-It's a massive sort of fish.

-OK, next.

-OK.

Hang on a minute, what's that? Do you mind?

That's got tentacles, I don't like it.

And I don't like you with your hands all over me. Get off.

I think that is a squid.

A squid? How dare you?

I hope you don't get the job!

-Ew.

-Very smelly.

Yeah, I'd agree with that bit.

I don't remember it being quite like that, Hacker.

I know, I filmed that and mocked it up. That's what I do.

Now you're a pair of hip young things, aren't you?

What's it like presenting with your grandad Barney Harwood?

-He's not that old, is he?

-No, he's not that much older.

But do you know what?

That guy, he's been in the game a long time, we learn a lot from him.

On Blue Peter, you're obsessed with keeping stinking animals as pets,

aren't you? What's been your favourite pet over the years?

-I think Barney the dog.

-Yeah.

-Cos we got to meet him, didn't we?

-We did.

Thought you were going to say Harwood, then.

He's my favourite pet. Hey, we've got a Hacker Time pet, you know.

-Oh, yeah?

-Enid the guinea pig.

-Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, she's been hibernating in this box for eight years, you know?

Hacker, you can't hibernate for eight years,

-that's not how it really works.

-Oh.

-You'd better take a look inside the box, then.

-Oh, no.

-Have a little look.

-Oh, wow. Eight years?

Yeah, approximately eight years, yeah. Look right at the...

I don't believe it!

She's...

She's escaped!

Larry! Get us out of this!

Have your passports at the ready,

because it's time to take a mini break with Best Regional Airways.

You're going to love this one,

because it's Valentine's Day at the Aeroport.

Places to go, deadlines to keep and passengers shouting a lot.

I don't know what I'm shouting about!

It's all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.

It's Valentine's Day and love is very much in the air.

As we're very much in the air, Mrs Love,

what would you like for your in-flight meal?

On board today's Best Regional Airway's flight to Paris

is pilot Captain Alan Barbara.

Welcome on board today's flight to Paris.

I'm your pilot Captain Alan Barbara.

I just wanted to tell you that...

RADIO CRACKLES

..devastated, I need a new girlfriend.

He's devastated?

He needs a new girlfriend?

He must be mine.

Well, you'll have to fight me for him.

I just told everyone that today's in-flight movie is

Devastated, I Need A New Girlfriend.

Wish my girlfriend was here, she loves a good romcom.

As such a busy airport,

Wigan International sees hundreds of emotional scenes each day.

I wish you didn't have to go.

-It'll go so much quicker than you think, darling.

-Will you write?

Of course.

-And you won't talk to other women, will you?

-No chance.

I'll be thinking of you the whole time.

All right, well,

you better leave before I change my mind about you going.

Farewell, my love.

It's so hard!

TOILET FLUSHES

-All done.

-You didn't write!

Meanwhile on the Paris flight,

the captain has just called his stewardesses to the cabin

to discuss his relationship status.

I'm sure asking two single members of the cabin crew in here on

a matter relating to my relationship status won't cause any confusion.

-Pick me!

-No, me!

-Me!

-Me!

-Pick me!

-Me!

Ladies, there's no need for that.

Now I asked you in here because I have something for both of you.

-Oh.

-I want you to take these

and you to take these.

I bought them for my beautiful girlfriend.

I know I can trust you to keep them safe

and not get confused as in thinking that I've bought them for you.

Well, I'm sure that was all perfectly clear.

He loves me!

He loves me!

He loves me!

Yes, very clear.

One hour into the flight,

Denise tries a new way to impress Captain Barbara

by playing her lifejacket.

A TUNE IS PLAYED

CHEERING

If you think that's good, check this out, Captain Babs.

AIR HISSES, LOUD POP

Well, this is embarrassing.

Oh, suppose there's only one thing left to say.

-Denise.

-Yes?

Your whistle playing blew me away.

When we reach Paris, would you be free to meet with me?

Of course.

Excellent, I'm marrying my girlfriend tomorrow

and I'd very much like you to play at our wedding.

Say what?

PARP!

Is that your life vest deflating?

Nope.

Next time, Mr and Mrs Breadbin face another painful goodbye

as Wilf leaves to go to the vending machine.

Just make sure you write this time.

And even with a broken heart,

Denise finally turns up to play at Captain Barbara's wedding.

SHE PLAYS THE FUNERAL MARCH

Just another day in the life of the Aeroport.

Oh, that was so awful. I resent having a memory. Oh, we're on!

Radzi and Lindsey, let me ask you,

are you two enjoying the show so far?

-I actually am.

-We are.

-It's good fun, we love Hacker Time.

Oh, good. Although I wouldn't let you leave if you weren't, cocker.

Anyway, now it's time for me to have a lickle break

so here's Wilf and Herman with the Opinion Parlour.

Don't look at me when I'm on my break!

Hello, lads and lassies. Welcome to the Opinion Parlour with me, Wilf.

And me, Wilf. Sorry, I mean Herman.

Yes, in honour of Blue Peter, we've been asking you to make

replica Hackers out of regular household items.

Anne from Eccles sent in this Hacker made out of an old kitchen roll.

This next one's been sent in by Keith from Equatorial Guinea.

It's made from a toilet brush, some hair found in the drain

and a pair of recycled currants for eyes.

Get it off my screen!

If you'd like to get in touch, e-mail us at...

-And back to you, Hacker.

-Dash.

Thank you, Wilf and Herman. Coming up, next...

Oi, what are you doing? I'm Hacker, not you.

Get away you stinking wretch.

Although all this chat reminds me of the time

I made something in the style of Blue Peter.

-Do you want to hear about it, cocker?

-Yeah.

-Definitely.

Like you had a choice. Music if you will.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Life gets so lonely when you walk this road alone

# I needed someone that I could call my own

# Then I thought I'll make a girlfriend

# And I think I'll call her Pat

# Call her Pat

# So I searched around the house for a load of useless tat

# Useless tat

# I found a paper plate to make her face

# And I gave her foil tins for eyes

# Tins for eyes

# Pat's ears came from the fridge and her hair was made of rice

# Made of rice

# The secret to her smile was a length of knicker elastic

# Then I held the whole thing together

# With a ton of sticky back plastic

# One day I realised that I'd left her in the rain

# Rain

# Her toilet roll arms and her pipe cleaner toes

# They'd all gone on the wane

# Wane

# So I chucked her in the bin. #

Pat.

They don't tell you about that on Blue Peter, do they?

Do they?!

-No.

-No.

-No, they don't.

Larry, take over for a sec, cocker.

I need a moment.

HE CRIES

Still to come on today's Hacker Time...

HACKER SOBS

Radzi's read the jokes we've written for the rest of the programme.

Something dreadful's going to happen.

Today's Quarter Past Four O'Clock Club is out of this world

and Hacker puts Harry Tongue in his place.

And stop building your part!

All still to come on today's Hacker Time.

Yes, I want to tell you a little bit more about the Hacker Time crew.

-First of all, they love me...

-Oh, I'm so glad I won't have to

watch this rubbish much longer, Lolly.

What are you talking about?

-You're looking at the new producer of Blue Peter.

-You what?

Finally, I'll get to work on a real show and nothing, yes,

-nothing is going to stop me.

-Derek!

Mother, what are you doing here?

-I believe you have something to tell me.

-No, no, I don't. No, nothing.

He's got a new job on Blue Peter, Mother McGhee.

-There's no way you could do this job.

-Mother!

-Is this the contract?

But Mother!

SHE BURPS

Let us never speak of this again.

Goodbye.

Oh, well. At least I'm respected round here.

Now where did I leave the notes for the rest of the programme?

Oh, sorry, I got a little peckish.

And now, Hacker Time proudly presents

a low budget Blue Peter rip off.

-Hello!

-Hello!

And welcome to the new-look Blue Peter.

All of the funny with none of the money.

Logo's dropped a bit.

I'm Hacker T Dog and these two are a pair of rank amateurs.

-Say hello, rank amateurs.

-Hello, rank amateurs.

-Lindsey, come with me.

It's time to unveil the time capsule.

Now this time capsule was buried a whole 45 years ago.

We're going to be taking a look inside at some really

interesting objects to tell us how people lived back then.

So first up we've got...

-an MP3 player.

-Wow!

To think all their tunes would be stored in one place.

How did they cope, the poor souls?

Yeah, and next up, we've got a One Direction album.

I can't believe they only had One Direction back then.

I mean, we've got four directions now.

How did people even walk anywhere?

Who knows, Hacker? And last up we've got...

a copy of today's newspaper.

What? Hacker, what is going on?

This was all meant to be buried 45 years ago.

Oops, I must've buried it 45 minutes ago.

I'm always getting years and minutes mixed up.

Still, it hasn't caused many problems thus far.

OVEN TIMER BEEPS

Ooh, that'll be my roast chicken, cocker,

I've had it in the oven for 45 minutes.

Go and be a love and have a look for me.

Maybe I've had it in for 45 years instead.

Oh, that's terrible!

It needs more pepper.

Go and get us some, would you, cocker?

So now I'm going to show you how to make this model of the Taj Mahal

using just pencil sharpenings but it is very, very delicate.

La, la, la, la.

-La, la, la.

-Hacker! What are you doing?

I'm cleaning the studio, ain't I?

He's a bit slow, isn't he, cocker?

No, be careful, this took me 45 minutes to make!

Wow, you've been working on this since 1969?

Hacker, just get out, something dreadful's going to happen, go!

-All right.

-Oh, Hacker, I got that pepper you asked for.

-Oh, lovely, give us a sniff, cocker.

-Here you go.

Ah-ah-ah...

RADZI AND LINDSEY SNEEZE

You pair of absolute mooeys!

Look at the mess you've made.

-Right, that does it, you're off the show!

-What?

-Go, on your bikes.

-But Hacker...

-Go on, you're no Skelton and Harwood, are you?

-Get out, go on.

-I don't know how Yonko puts up with him.

-Pah, Yonko!

Who's that? Well, that's all we've got time for this week.

But join me next week when I'll be damaging yet another

beloved TV show format.

Now where'd you leave that chicken? Oh, it's over there.

Do you like exciting school drama

mixed with spectacular musical numbers?

Oh, well, never mind,

here's a Quarter Past Four O'clock Club instead.

OK, everybody ready for their annual school trip?

Ooh, where is it this time, sir?

The box factory? The car park museum?

The local sewage works?

THEY GROAN

# Flemsbury High trips were notorious boring, if I took you somewhere good

# Man, the numbers would be soaring What about the seaside?

# Everybody bring your shades

# I'll eat loads of ice cream bring my bucket and spade

# Maybe take a little trip to the Wild, Wild West

# Or go on a search for a pirate treasure chest

# I'll get my roller blades I'll get a mountain bike

# Actually change my mind, we're going to the cheese museum today

# Aw, sir!

# Psych! Let's see a rock band or go into space

# Go swimming with sharks and come face to face with real life dangers

# Real life highs, it's getting exciting and let me you tell me why

# Everybody say school trip

# I'll take you anywhere you want

# Everybody say school trip

# I'll take you anywhere you like

# Everybody say school trip

# That's if there's any money left

# Everybody say school trip

# Just checked, there's no money left in the budget. #

Ah.

OK, we are here.

But we haven't left the school.

I know! It's a tour of Flemsbury High.

CHEERING

I've been there.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Now on Hacker Time, it's the exciting, nail biting,

awe-inspiring part of the show where Hacker likes to say...

Radzi and Lindsey,

get out!

Yes, it's the next bit of the show, cocker,

you see I've had enough of you so I'm going to get rid.

-Well, that's nice, isn't it?

-Thanks.

-Yes, it is, yeah.

You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your boring lives.

Get a question right and you'll go up a level, get one wrong

and you go back down a level and, when the time's up,

you'll either leave or end up in one of my other weird

and wonderful floors like Gerard and Nigel's nit comb cellar.

-Do you understand?

-Yeah.

-Absolutely.

-Yeah.

Well, you've got until you hear this sound...

Oh, is it home time yet?

So in three, two, W, go!

Question one, how many Blue Peter presenters have been called Peter?

-Two.

-Two.

Correct. Yes, Purves and Duncan.

But no presenter has been blue.

Lindsey, spell Radzi's surname.

C-H-I-N...

Y-A-N...

..G-A-N-Y-A.

-Correct! Well done, cocker.

-That was good, isn't it?

Question three, which TV show has my long-running sidekick

Harry Tongue appeared in this week?

Is it Songs Of Praise or Bargain Hunt?

Bargain Hunt.

Ooh, let's find out if you're right or not.

What?

No, we're not going rename the show Tongues Of Praise, OK?

I'm off to sing a hymn.

I'm sorry, you're wrong, cocker, it was Songs Of Praise.

Now, clear off, Tongue, and stop building your part.

-Question four, a football one for you, Radzi.

-OK.

Which of these things hasn't Mario Balotelli reportedly done?

A, train chickens to bring him food

or B, had an allergic reaction to a football pitch?

-I think the first one.

-Chickens.

-Yeah, chickens.

Correct. Yes, he hasn't trained chickens to bring him food, yeah.

Question five, which CBBC star have we McGhee'd in this picture?

-Ooh, that's Naomi.

-That is the legend that is Naomi Wilkinson.

-Yep.

Correct! Your co-star from Wild, Naomi the crisp-haired Wilkinson.

Question six,

what do David Beckham, J K Rowling and Her Majesty The Queen

all have in common?

-Gold badge, gold badge.

-Yes, yes, yes!

Correct, they all have a gold Blue Peter badge.

-Lindsey Russell, yes!

-And they've all pulled out of Hacker Time Four.

Question seven, which of these isn't a real place name?

Is it A, Pratt's Bottom,

B, Spotty Bottom

or C, Six Mile Bottom?

-OK, Pratt's Bottom I think sounds real.

-It's got to be Spotty Bottom.

Correct, the answer is Spotty Bottom.

Get out!

Congratulations, you lit up all the buttons to the ground floor

so you are allowed to leave.

We are out of here.

It's been lovely having you here, but quite frankly...

-Thanks for having us.

-Thank you.

-..I tire of your company so get out!

-Go on.

-Come on.

-Some things never change.

-Yes, they don't change.

-Bye, Hacker.

-See you, cockers.

-I prefer Dodge.

-Oh, whatever.

Any last words before you go?

Yeah, we just want to say a huge...

What an excellent pair of guests.

I wonder who they were. That's it for today, cockers.

I'm off to scour some stubborn lamb grease off me griddle pan.

All that's left for me to do now is sing my dreadful end song.

Join in if you know it.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Radzi and Lindsey were my guests It really was a lark

# Until they messed up everything

# By clumsily ruining a model of a famous landmark

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time. #

Good-good-good-good bye!