Simon Rimmer Hacker Time

Warning - today's Hacker Time may contain nuts.

Oh, bad news, people.

Our ratings are dropping

like there's no tomorrow.

There's no tomorrow?

But I've got so much left to give.

-It's a figure of speech, you fool.

-Oh...

I think we should start doing a cookery item to boost our ratings.

Apparently, food is really popular right now.

-Yes.

-We'll need a resident chef. Who wants to do it? Um, Wilf?

-What do you know about food?

-I insist on five a day.

-Pasties, that is.

-That's no good. Hacker, what about you?

-Please tell me you're secretly an expert chef.

-Oh, I am!

Have you tried my tartine au pate de viande?

Ooh, that sounds fancy! What is it?

A meat paste sandwich.

Oh, that's disgusting!

We need inspiring recipes to break through conventions

and teach a generation of children

that there's more to life than meat paste sandwiches. Who's with me?

-Meat paste sandwiches for everyone!

-Hurray!

THEY CHEER

I don't know why I bother!

Yum-yum-yum-yum!

You going to watch this?

You gotta watch this!

You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-My, my, my, my Programme hits you

So hard Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

Thank you for watching me

It's telly, but not what you normally see

It feels good, there's outtakes too

Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

So sit back - don't move too much

This is the show - ah! - you can't touch

Stop! Hacker Time!

Thank you.

OK, stand by, everyone. We're on air in...

five, four,

three, HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

two,

one... BAA!

Cue Hacker!

Hello! And welcome to Hacker Time. Today's show is all about cooking.

-We'll be talking chicken, trifle, vol-au-vents...

-Banana!

No, there's nothing in my script about...

Whoooaaaahhh!

Oh!

No, banana!

Who keeps leaving the banana skins on the floor?

Anyway, we've got a very special guest coming in today,

but right now, he has no idea! Ha-ha-ha!

Hiya. Um, Simon Rimmer.

I've had a letter about being the resident chef on an original

new cookery show that you're making. Do you know where I need to go?

Hey, original? Cookery show? Get in the lift, mate! Come on.

This one says it's not in use.

Everyone seems to be going that way...

Eeeh!

Down.

ALARM BUZZES Argh.

HE WHISTLES A TUNE

LIFT PINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Simon Rimmer!

CRASHING

-Hiya, Simon!

-SIMON COUGHS

-You're on Hacker Time!

-What on earth is Hacker Time?

I'll assume that was a joke.

Right, Simon, let's get on with the show.

Mate, look, I haven't got time for this. I really haven't.

You can't go, cocker, no. We're having Scotch eggs after the show.

Fancy ones, with lovely black pudding around the outside and runny

yolk and then a crisp, delicate, lightly dressed watercress salad,

-that kind of Scotch egg?

-Better than that, cocker - the ones from

the supermarket that come in packets and have got no flavour whatsoever.

-All right, I'm in.

-You won't regret this, me old cocker.

Without further ado, let's get on with the show. Derek! The fact file.

-Will do, Hacker.

-Is it just me, or is Simon kind of dishy?

Oh, I see what I did there! He's a chef and I called him dishy!

Do you get it, Derek?

I think we should work in silence from now on, Lorraine.

Simon Rimmer is a TV chef.

He presents Sunday Brunch with his mate Tim Lovejoy,

who often has his arms crossed.

He loves to come up with delicious recipes.

Why on earth is he cooking with trees?

And in his spare time, he likes to wear a neckerchief

and stare wistfully into the distance.

And that's not all you need to know about Simon Rimmer.

Thanks, Derek. So what are your thoughts on meat paste, Simon?

QUIET CONVERSATION

Simon!

I'm livid!

I mean, I don't know what you think, Simon, but I find that the leeks

really enhance the flavour of the buttered lobster.

Interesting. I rarely put leeks with lobster,

but, yes, it's a good idea. You really know your stuff...

Gas mark 8!

What, Hacker?

Gas mark 8. It something to do with cooking.

I'm sorry about him, Simon.

-He's totally clueless when it comes to cuisine.

-Not true!

Why don't I serve up my new dish, the Herman Surprise?

Oh, what's that? Sounds nice.

Herman! You're fired! Surprise! Ha-ha-ha.

-Bye, Simon.

-Get out.

-Bye, Herman.

I'm sorry about him, Simon. He was raised by dogs.

I'm very excited you're here, you know, cocker.

We got so much in common, haven't we?

Larry, I'm hungry for LOLs! Nourish me with the menu.

Today's Hacker Time will be deliciously good!

Make sure you save some room for all of this!

Coming up, Hacker and Simon discuss nouvelle cuisine.

That paste is 15% pure meat!

The sky's the limit in our new documentary, Aeroport.

And we check out your food photos in the Opinion Parlour.

-Do not show that picture!

-All this and more, on Hacker Time!

Lots of fun to come, as you can see there, cocker.

Now, Simon Rimmer, are you ready for the interview section of this show?

-Yeah. Can't wait, yeah.

-Hurrah!

You're a professional chef, so my first question is this...

What is food?

HE LAUGHS

Food is what keeps us going, and it's also something that we enjoy.

I don't get it!

You've been cooking for 30 years or so.

Have you not finished yet?

HE LAUGHS

-What on earth are you making, cocker?

-I'm just taking my time.

Next question, what is brunch?

Brunch is what you have between breakfast and lunch,

-normally at the weekend.

-Interesting.

I've actually invented my own mealtime, you know.

It's a cross between late breakfast and lunch.

It takes the letter "L" from late breakfast and the "unch" from lunch,

so the meal I have created is called...

DRUM ROLL

-..lunch!

-CYMBAL CRASH

-Do you mind if I write that down and kind of use it...

-Yes, I do.

You're a very experienced chef, cocker, but I bet you've had to work

with some right lazy people in the kitchen, haven't you?

The odd layabout that wasn't interested or didn't want to

do any preparation, so my question to you is this...

..why do you present Sunday Brunch with him?

I'm talking about Timothy Lovejoy.

That's the best question anyone's ever, ever asked me.

Seriously, though.

What does he bring to the show? What does that man bring?

-Coffee, in the morning.

-Ditch him! Ditch the man! He's a waster.

Hey, maybe I could present it with you, you know.

Oh, me and you have got loads in common.

I'm big into football, you know. Oh, yes! I'm Mr Sportsman, me.

I love football. Feet and balls, count me in, cocker!

-Who do you support?

-Liverpool.

-Roberto's Army, they're good.

# Oh, when the blues Hey, oh, when the blues...

# Huh, hey! #

Red. Red. Red. Red. Red.

They're all the same to me, cocker. Next question,

when you're not at work,

-are people are always trying to get you to cook for them?

-Yeah.

I mean, quite often, people say, you know,

-"Could you just make me something nice..."

-Make me a sandwich.

-No!

-Go on. I've got all the main ingredients there.

-Bread and meat paste.

-No. That's disgusting.

Simon, that paste is 15% pure meat!

-It's disgusting. You can't eat that!

-I told you he can't cook, cocker.

He's a waster. One of the things that confuses me when you watch

these cookery shows is all the different jobs in the kitchen.

What's a chef de partie?

Chef de partie is sort of the mid range,

-the guys who do a lot of the tough work in the kitchen.

-Oh.

That explains why I lost my job as a chef de partie that time.

Party!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Get out!

MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS

Even though I was fired, it was the best party I'd ever been to.

Last question, Simon. What's your favourite course?

I love the starters.

You get such nice little strong, delicious flavours in there.

-I think you can be really creative.

-I've been recommended a course.

Anger management! But I don't think I need it, cocker.

Herman, get out!

Go on! Keep going!

HE ROARS

Actually, it might prove useful, cocker.

That's the end of my questioning, Simon. Yes, indeedy doo-dah.

And I think you'll agree it was much more entertaining

than an interview on your show.

Larry, what are we having for our next course?

Put your tray tables upright, fasten your seat belt and make sure your

seat is in the upright position, because we're all going on holiday.

Next stop, the Aeroport.

Places to go, deadlines to keep.

Food to put on tiny trays.

It's all just another day in the life of...

the Aeroport.

Welcome to Wigan International Airport,

one of the nation's least busy aeroports.

On shift today, Bev Eccles, an attendant for Best Regional Airways.

Hello, I'm Bev.

As well as working on the planes, it's my job to make announcements

to passengers before they get on the flight.

-DING-DONG!

-This is an announcement!

Ooh, what an excellent announcement.

Thank you.

Hi. Yeah, I'm Denice.

My favourite part of the job is being with the passengers.

I really get on with them.

I've got my passport, I've paid the money,

now why won't you accept my ticket?

Well, the thing is, those tickets...

are for a cinema in Tenerife, you complete and utter fool.

Aw, Wilf!

Oh, that's embarrassing. Well, can we get a flight to Tenerife, then?

Oh, well, let's have a look for you.

TYPING ON KEYBOARD

Sorry, we're fully booked!

Oh, Wilf!

Safety is very important here.

I mean, Herman is wearing those headphones to protect his ears

whilst he guides in the plane.

No, these aren't to protect my ears. I'm just listening to my music.

Do you want to hear it?

-# ..apple, shake the tree... #

-Herman! What are you doing, Herman?

Stop pointing to us, or the plane will come right here!

PLANE ENGINE ROARS, DEREK SHRIEKS

Yes, when we're in the air,

it's my job to make sure that all of the passengers are comfortable.

No matter what class they're travelling in,

we treat everyone the same.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Is everything to your standards, Mr le Drew?

-Have you got enough legroom?

-Yes, thank you, my dear.

I'm perfectly comfortable.

Oh, well, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to attend to the passengers in economy now. Bye, Mr le Drew.

-Goodbye.

-Bye, then.

-Goodbye.

Now, if any of you losers want anything, tell someone who cares!

THEY ALL GROAN

I'm Captain Barbara.

I've been a pilot for seven years now.

There's nothing I don't know about flying.

Watch out! A big metal bird!

Argh!

As B.R.A. support manager, I'm also responsible for making sure

that the runway is a safe environment for people to work in.

Hold on a minute, who left these stairs by this big metal bird?

Huh-huh!

-They could have caused an accident.

-AAAARRRGGHHH!!

With all the passengers finally on board,

Captain Barbara performs some final checks.

Hair's good. Teeth are good.

Complexion is excellent today.

We're ready. Now, where's the "on" button?

Next time, Derek McGhee continues to clear up all the steps...

AAAARRRGGHHH!!

..and Captain Barbara still has a fear of big metal birds.

Argh! Arghhhhh!

Arghhhhh!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

It's all just another day in the life of the Aeroport.

I made that all myself, you know, although the reason why escapes me.

Simon Rimmer, on Sunday Brunch,

-you often read out e-mails from your viewers, don't you?

-Yes.

Well, here's a little tip from me, cocker.

Don't waste time reading out your own e-mails.

Let some cheap buffoons do it for you.

Mine are going through my mountains of fan mail right now.

Hey, Herman, Wilf! What have my adoring fans got to say today?

Thanks, Hacker. This is the Opinion Parlour,

where we look at what you've got to say about the show.

In honour of top chef Simon Rimmer,

today we're asking you to send in photos of what you have made.

Marie Claire from Maidstone has made a cup of tea. Ooh. Looks nice.

Well done.

And Les from Nigeria

sent us a picture of what he's made in the toilet.

No, no, no! Do not show that picture!

And moving on, Anne from Eccles

is on the line, after some recipe advice.

Yes, I very much enjoy Chinese food.

Is there anything quick and easy that you could recommend?

Er, yes, of course.

Number 87, the chicken foo yung.

The Wonky Wok delivers in half an hour.

What terrible advice.

I'm never writing into this programme again! Good day.

And if you'd like to e-mail in, the address is OpinionParlour@...

Sorry, no - it's Opinion.Parlour...

Or something, then .com.

Or was it co.uk?

That's it for today's Opinion Parlour.

-It's back to you, Hacker.

-Yeah, or it might be net.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, that was below average, as usual.

Anyway, it's confession time, cocker.

I know I talk the talk when it comes to food, but in actual fact,

I don't know anything.

Allow me to further illustrate my ignorance, via the medium of song.

# My ignorance with cooking

# Makes me a raspberry fool

# Don't know my baked Alaska

# From my mother's gruel

# I thought a goat's cheese parcel was something in the mail

# You can stick your pan-fried halloumi

# And that porridge made of snail

# Don't want no hake

# Don't want no hake

# No venison steak

# No venison steak

# My only taste

# My only taste

# Is for meat paste

# Is for meat paste

# Don't want no truffle

# Don't want no truffle

# Or fried falafel

# Or fried falafel

# My only taste

# My only taste

# Is for meat paste

# Samphire posset, celeriac jus

# Aubergine, star anise

# And goujons too

# Quail eggs, you can get right out of my face

# My favourite is taste is that of meat paste. Huh! #

What do you think, cocker?

I think you need a more varied diet, mate.

I will never, ever, ever like all that fancy muck.

Oh, suit yourself. It's entirely up to you.

Ooh, Simon. What have you got there?

This? Oh, it's slow-cooked Vietnamese pork belly in lovely spicy sauce.

Delicious sandwich.

I must have it!

Yum-yum! Argh!

Give me the pig's stomach and...

What's on the menu next, Larry?

Oh, give us it!

Still to come on today's Hacker Time...

Derek discusses underwear with his mother...

-Knickers.

-No, underpants.

-..Simon insults Hacker...

-Flat-bottomed?

-How dare you?!

..and the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock Club gets hysterical.

Duh, historical.

All still to come.

I'd like to share with you my thoughts on the CBBC show

Hacker Time.

Personally, I think it's awful. I mean, it's on the fourth...

Oh, I'm bored of this.

-Ooh, I'm famished, Lolly.

-What have you got today, Derek?

Just this mackerel sandwich and a half-sucked lemon sherbet.

What's this note?

SHE READS

SHE LAUGHS Oh, that's embarrassing!

I know, but it could've been worse.

-Derek!

-See.

I forgot to put your super-special sparkle cupcake in with your lunch.

Oh, it doesn't get any more embarrassing than that.

-And you forgot your pink underpants.

-Oh, knickers.

No, underpants.

Your little pink ones.

SHE LAUGHS

Over to you, Larry.

Put them down, Mother.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness an excellent new

programme that is in no way a blatant copy of an existing TV show.

It's time for...

..Sunday Munch.

Oh, I'm so relaxed.

I'm barely even bothered.

-I'll be the same when we're on air.

-We ARE on air.

-Yuh?! We're on!?

Argh!

Yes, welcome to Sunday Munch, with me,

Jim Nojoy, and my sidekick, the chef.

-It's Simon Rimmer.

-Yeah, whatever. It's my show.

Coming up today, we'll fail miserably at the latest dance craze,

and our celebrity guest today is Manky the Cat.

He'll be talking about his new role in Watervole Road.

What are we making today, Si?

-Chicken liver parfait with red onion marmalade.

-Or?

Um...shredded Moroccan lamb shoulder.

-Or?

-Seared...

-Oh, forget it! Follow me.

It's time to cook something proper instead of all this posh muck.

Right, now on Sunday Munch,

it's time to get cooking, isn't it, the chef?

Simon Rimmer.

The chef. Why don't you start by chopping some "honions"?

OK, no problem.

HACKER SOBS

-Argh!

-Are the onions making you cry?

No, I just had much higher hopes for this item.

You really are grating on me, Simon.

Am I really that annoying?

No, look, you're grating all over my hand!

Stop with your carrots!

-Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

-Right, Simon.

For the next stage of the recipe, you're going to need get a pan out.

-Flat-bottomed?

-How dare you?!

Yes, I have got a flat bottom. It's a little problem I suffer...

Oh, yes, the pan. Of course. Put it on the hob, yes.

-Because it's time now to start cooking the onions.

-Frying?

-No, boiling.

-You want to boil the onions?

No, I'M boiling. Isn't there a window in here, cocker?

Oh, never mind. On with the cookery.

You know what?

I think we could do with adding some seasoning to that pan, Si.

-Cardamom?

-Why would I wear a CARDIGAN when I'm this hot, Simon?

Use your bonce, Sonny Jim!

But we need something in there to bulk up the recipe.

-What about potatoes?

-Oh, yes. How about a Jersey Royal?

Hello. I'm the King of Jersey.

Out.

Sorry.

-Right, we're just about ready for service.

-Right ye are.

-Ready!

-WIMBLEDON THEME MUSIC

No.

-FOOD service.

-You cannot be serious!

Oh, let's plate up.

I'm always getting those things mixed up.

Oh, Hacker, this looks terrible.

Who's this?

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-Hello.

I am a passing Michelin-starred chef. What do we have here?

Don't worry, Simon. Simon, I'll take the blame for this filth.

Don't you fret.

Who made this?

I did. Eh?

Professional chef Simon Rimmer didn't go anywhere near it.

I promise.

Good, because I don't like it!

I love it!

What?!

Simon, maybe if you cook like this, you could actually have

a Michelin star.

I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.

And that's the end of today's Sunday Munch. Ta-ta.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can only apologise for what you've just seen.

That is the last time we'll do a cheap copy of a much better

-programme.

-HE CHUCKLES

Well, time now for the Quarter Past 4 O'Clock club.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

And that is why the 1872 Parliamentary Bobbins Act

restricted mill workers' tea breaks to just two per year.

Arghhhh.

Ohhh. Yohhh. Yowww.

What's the matter with you, mister?

Oh, just constipated.

But in an unrelated news story, I hate history.

Josh!

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

HE RAPS: History's history

So take a seat

I'm taking my time to perfect the beat

To tell you about the Tudors The kings, the queens

And the Spanish Armada Hashtag amazing scenes

Can't you tell by my lyrics I'm a modern-day Shakespeare?

Spin rhymes like I have no fear

I'm Florence Nightingale I'll nurse you back to health

Or Julius Caesar, but without...

The wealth

I don't know anything It doesn't interest me

I had six wives Oh, I'm King Henry

I invented the phone I'm Alexander Bell

I'm a marksman with a crossbow Look, I'm William Tell!

HE WHIMPERS

Josh, you've got it You know your history

Don't try and trick me Who are you - Harry Houdini?

Your knowledge is growing You'll be absolutely fine

-I'm like Darwin or Newton

-BOTH:

-Or Albert Einstein

-Yeah!

-Uh-huh, uh-huh

History is great

Uh-huh, uh-huh

-# History is my thing

-Yeah!

Uh-huh, uh-huh

# Leonardo da Vinci

# Yea-eah! #

Maths.

Wait, what?! MUSIC STOPS

Thanks, sir. I've learnt something today.

What, that history is vital in gaining the true perception

of the world we live in?

No, I've learnt that prunes are very effective at relieving

constipation.

Thwrrrp!

PLOPPING

CLASS GROANS

Made a right mess here.

HE GASPS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Hopefully, you've got room for a dessert,

because it's time for the climax of today's show.

It's not tasty or satisfying, but give it a try anyway.

It's the end-of-the-show quiz. Take it away, Hacker.

Simon Rimmer, Get Out!

It's the name of the next part of the show.

It's my dead-good game show.

You see, I've had enough of you for one day,

so I'm going to get rid of you from my studio.

-What do you think about that?

-I can't wait to get out.

I just want to leave.

You'll be fighting to get back up to the ground floor

so you can return to your kitchen.

Your vol-au-vents are burning.

Ooh, they're singed, cocker.

Get a question right and go up a level.

Get one wrong and you go back down a level.

When the time's up, you'll either leave or end up

on one of my other weird and wonderful floors,

like Carl the Sheep's Celebrity Toenail Emporium.

What do you think about that, cocker?

I want to get onto that ground floor and get home.

-Well, you've got until you hear this sound...

-Ha-hoo!

So the three, two, mozzarella, go!

Which of these is not a fruit?

Is it A - monster fruit,

B - ugly fruit

or C - hideous fruit?

HE CHUCKLES

-Is NOT a fruit?

-Yeah.

-Hideous fruit.

Correct. It is hideous fruit.

Which celebrity chef has been McGee'd in this picture?

Mary Berry.

Correct-a-mundo!

Now it's time to bring out my old chum and confidant

and all-round good guy, Accordion George!

# It's Accordion George Huh!

# It's Accordion George Huh!

# It's Accordion George

# Acky G! #

Ag, Ag! Yes, it's my old chum Acky G.

Which popular tune is my chum Acky G playing?

Take it away, The Big G!

What tune is that? It was a bit flat, George.

-What tune is it, Si?

-No idea!

Well, I couldn't tell, because he played it really badly,

but it was actually the Best Song Ever by One Direction.

Let's hear it played in.

# And we danced all night To the best song ever... #

Of course.

Turn it down. That's how you do it, George.

You were no Harry Styles, were you, cocker? By jingo, get out!

Go on, shut the doors. Give us a wave, George. Too late.

Simon Rimmer, beside you is a blender containing the blended

remains of last night's dinner.

Elevate it to your podia, give it a taste, and tell me

what classic Italian dish it used to be.

HE LAUGHS

Tastes bad, doesn't it, cocker? But what was it?

-Was it a pizza?

-Nil! I'm afraid it was not a pizza.

The answer was spaghetti al pomodoro.

Or as I like to call it, pasta and tomatoes.

-Not nice.

-Ooh, you're not doing very well, cocker.

You're back on floor minus 5.

You've got to get this one right.

Which medical show has my close friend

and confidant Harry Tongue been on this week?

Is it A - Operation Ouch

or B - Doctors?

Doctors.

Oh, let's find out.

Welcome to another edition of Operation...

-Ouch.

-CRUNCHING

Sorry, Harry.

Oh, Harry.

Please do not eat polystyrene cups at home.

But you can always knock them off the desk thus.

All right, cocker, you got that one wrong. The next one is this.

What has my useless assistant Herman forgotten to do in the studio?

Is it A - remove the angry lion that lives below the desk,

or B - arrange your payment for this appearance?

Arrange my payment for this appearance.

Sadly not - it was remove the angry lion that lives beneath the desk.

-ROARING

-Argh, get off my leg! Stop it, Tiddles!

MIAOW!

Right.

Next one, catch this.

Ha-hoo!

Oh, you were abysmal in that, so I'm not going to release you

to the ground floor, but I am going to send you

to Gerard and Nigel, who have got their very own nit-comb cellar.

But...I didn't hear the questions. I've got restaurants to run,

Tim Lovejoy will be waiting for me on Sunday. I've got...

Get out!

Go on.

Um, Simon, before you go, is there anything you'd like to say?

Yeah, I just want to say that...

Ha-ha-ha! What a lovely and talented woman.

That's the end of my show for today.

Thanks for joining me, cocker. I've got to go now.

I've got a salmon defrosting. I've no idea what to do with it.

I can't cook.

I might just put a ginger wig on it and pretend it's Anne Robinson.

See you!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing We've been larking around

# The whole programme cost just under a pound

# Watch again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top-drawer

# Simon Rimmer, the TV chef

# Tried to show me a thing or two

# We hosted a cooking show together

# But what we ended up making just looked like a pile of poo

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the last lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time!

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

# Get out, Harry! #