Ricky Martin Hacker Time

One minute to on air, everyone!

-Are you all right?

-All right.

Right, everything's ready for today's show except our new logo.

We haven't got one yet. It's time for a rebrand.

Oh. Well, I thought our new logo should be

a visual representation of how I feel about Hacker Time.

Oh, that sounds lovely, Lorraine. What have you got planned?

A sad face?!

Lolly, why do you keep working here if you don't even like it?

-Well, short commute, innit?

-Suppose it is, really.

Later, loser!

Oh, here's mine, Mr Derek.

No, Herman, no.

HERMAN SIGHS

-You all right, cocker?

-Oh, Hacker, it's brilliant!

It's colourful, it's abstract,

it really sums up what Hacker Time is all about.

-Well done!

-Eh? No, that's just my snot, cocker.

I sneezed on this bit of card because I couldn't find any tissue.

Oh, well, at least it could go viral!

-Run the titles.

-HACKER SNEEZES

HACKER LAUGHS

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good There's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show...

# Ha! ..you can't touch

# Stop! Hacker time! #

Thank you.

OK, stand by, everyone, we are on air in five, four...

-Well, is the celebrity guest here?

-..three, two...

-He's just coming now.

-Woohoo!

Hi, my good sir, it's me, Ricky Martin, AKA Art Ninja,

here to record some new episodes of Art Ninja.

Certainly, sir, but don't you, um, need the toilet first?

-Uh, no, I'm fine, but thank you.

-Yeah, go on, nip in.

You might as well have a little go.

-Have a go, yeah, make a bit of room.

-I don't need to go to the toilet.

Get in the toilet.

Ready, Hacker!

Good. Nice of him to drop in.

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Ha-ha, drop in.

Oh, no, no, no!

RICKY YELLS

HACKER WHISTLES

How long is this pipe?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is CBBC's Art Ninja, Ricky Martin!

-You all right, cocker? Welcome to Hacker Time.

-Oh, Hacker.

Sorry, man, I'm not doing this.

Oh, come on, Ricky,

we need you to stay and use your art skills to improve our new logo.

-Well, art skills I can do.

-Belting! Cheers, cocker.

What do you think of that?

It's perfect! It's new, exciting and refreshing.

Hey, time to find out if you'll be of any more value to me.

Derek, tell me more about this man's sad little life.

Coming up, me little owl.

-What are you doing?

-That's the wrong button.

Oh!

That's better.

Hi-yah! This is Ricky Martin, also known as the Art Ninja.

Ricky's got one hand much bigger than the other.

And he's always forgetting to wash it after he's been painting.

What a mucky fellow!

Ricky is also a dab hand at knitting and is currently making himself

some gloves out of his own snot.

Ricky loves gardening, but he can't afford any secateurs,

so he uses his hands instead.

And that's everything you don't need to know about Ricky Martin.

Hey, looks like you really live la vida loca, don't you, cocker?

Now, Ricky, since you're a talented artist and painter,

could you, um...

paint me skirting boards for me, please?

It's just a basic white gloss job.

I just can't be bothered doing it meself.

I've got a bad track record when it comes to decorating

people's flats, made a right mess of Sarah's once.

I know, she told me. Still do it, cocker, I'll make you a brew.

Larry, paint us a picture of the rest of the programme, will you?

Certainly, Hacker. Today's show is a work of art.

Coming up...

It'll be friendly.

Off you pop, get out, nip out.

-Fragrant.

-HE BREAKS WIND

And potentially fatal.

SHE YELLS, CRASH

Oh, my spine!

Don't go away.

Ricky Martin, are you ready for your big interview?

-I've never been more ready.

-Question one. You make things, don't you?

-I do.

-Can you make me something?

What do you want me to make you?

A meat paste sandwich, cocker, there's the ingredients.

Crack on!

No, I'm just pulling your key chain, chain, cocker.

But seriously, you are good at making something out of nothing,

aren't you?

-Well, I do try, yeah.

-Do you want a job on Hacker Time, then?

-HE LAUGHS

-Now, Ricky Martin,

you come up with all sorts of things that people can make at home

using everyday items they just find lying around the house, don't you?

-Yes.

-Well, I love joining in.

I do it all the time. Look at this.

I'm going to make...

the Art Ninja rug.

OK, I've got a nice big bit of card here.

Well, I don't know who's this is, but this will do, nice big card.

I can cut that up, who cares.

I've got some black wool here.

Oh, there's some there.

I'm sure nobody will miss that.

Now, you can get the material from anywhere you like.

You can even use old T-shirts and clothes.

Oh, look, an old shirt. A human man's shirt, that'll do.

Now I'm going to cut some slits up these lines about 1cm deep.

Let's do it. Agh!

There you go. I think that looks absolutely incredible.

That is great, that. You can't tell the difference.

Hacker, it's my anniversary today,

have you seen my shirt,

anniversary card,

a ball of expensive cashmere wool

I bought Mrs Breadbin as a present?

Um...

No, I haven't. No, Wilf, no.

No.

No, I haven't.

-HE LAUGHS

-Good, that.

Right, on Art Ninja, I found it's so nice that you invite your

real-life friends to come on the show and do art with you.

It's so lovely, that.

Yeah, Mr Hacker, I wondered if you wanted to make

a papier-mache fruit bowl with me.

Get out! Get out of my sight, you pink beast!

You're no real friend of mine. Go on, go, go away!

-Off you pop, get out, nip out, get out.

-Hacker!

You can't be rude to him, he's one of your best mates.

Hey, Ricky. I just wondered if you fancied making...

ANGRILY: Why are you talking to me? Why are you here?

I'm busy, go away now.

Don't look at me, go away. Go away. Keep going. Keep walking!

I can still smell you.

Now, Ricky, do you want to see my watercolour?

-I'd love to see some of your art.

-Look, eh?

Ha-ha. My doctor says I need to keep more hydrated.

Do you understand?

Oh, that's quite... I can smell it.

It smells a bit wee-ty.

Yeah.

Ricardo, do you know that they say that the Mona Lisa's eyes are

-supposed to follow you around the room?

-I do, yeah. I did hear that.

Well, I went to the Louvre last week and they haven't stopped

following me since.

Oh, la, la! Oh, we can see you, monsieur!

We can see you!

Right. I've got an art challenge for you, Ricky.

Here is a friend of mine and confidant to the show,

Harry Tondu. He's a lovely plump little fellow.

Now, I want you to make a full and accurate replica of Harry

utilising said materials in front of you there.

-Simple enough.

-So, come on,

-crack on with the challenge.

-SIREN WAILS

Come on. Be better. Do it more like him. Make it more accurate.

You've even got pom-poms for his side fluffs.

You're rubbish, you can't even make a basic Tondu replica out

of three basic items. You make me wretch.

SIREN WAILS

Well done, cocker, lovely work.

Not much of an Art Ninja, though, are you?

Larry, cut to summat else.

Now on Hacker Time,

let's check in once more into the worst hotel in Rearend-on-Sea

in another edition of The Accommodation Place.

Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.

Experience a warm welcome.

Madame.

Oh, get out of the way!

And indulge in gourmet foods.

This isn't just any accommodation place,

this is THE Accommodation Place.

It's just another day at the

Best Opulent Tip-top Ostentatious Metropolitan hotel -

ha-ha - B.O.T.T.O.M.

Business is booming.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-I'd like to book a room, please!

Of course, Mr Business.

Ah, Susan. This is Nigel, our new intern.

He'll be shadowing all of the hotel employees today.

He wants to learn exactly how we do things round here.

I want you to treat him like a member of the family.

Very well.

Can I have some sweets, please, Mummy?

I'm not your mother.

Oh, forget it! I hate you!

I never asked to be born!

SUSAN CRIES LOUDLY

Hotel porter Herman has been told to show Nigel the ropes.

-Here they are, look.

-Oh, very nice.

-Lovely.

Right then, time to clean this room.

Is that a toilet brush?

What? Oh, yeah, 'tis.

I even use the water from the toilet to save the environment.

Well, what do you use to clean the toilet?

-Ah, well...

-HERMAN CHUCKLES

The guests conveniently leave me these small brushes for the job.

Ugh!

Oh.

Now, Nigel, it's really important to trump on all the keys.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Your key, madame.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Your key, sir.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Your key, madame.

-So, why do you do this?

-I don't know, it just passes the time.

I've got to look after that little upstart Nigel.

I reckon he's after my job.

So, I'm going to give him a tough time.

Nigel, go and press that big red button.

But it says not to press it.

-SHE SIGHS

-Just do it!

-All right.

SHE HUMS, MACHINE BEEPS

SHE YELLS, CRASH

Oh, my spine!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

Nigel, he pressed the big red button.

But she told me to do it.

If she told you to run into a wall, would you do that?

Oh, Nigel, run into that wall.

CRASH

SHE LAUGHS Nigel.

If this behaviour continues, business could go under.

HE HUMS

Are you all right, Mr Business?

Oh.

I'm not sure that Nigel is ready for working in this industry.

I think I'm going to have to teach him a lesson.

Je voudrais un croissant.

Bien.

Right, well, that's the end of the French lesson. Now...

Go and get me a decaf skinny latte.

-No.

-What do you mean no?

You are the lowest of the low.

If you want to get on in this industry, you got to do what I say.

Oh, no, I don't!

Because I'm not an intern.

I am the boss of this hotel chain.

-Look!

-HE GASPS

-What?

-Yes.

I've been filming for an undercover new show called

I'm The Boss, You Idiots.

Oh, well, that explains the film crew that have been

following you around all day.

Oh. Well, we've got news for you, Nigel.

-Because we are actually your bosses.

-Yeah!

And we've been filming our own show called

No, We're The Boss, You Idiot.

-NIGEL'S VOICE TREMBLES

-Now get out of here, you mug!

Oh...

And you, Nig. Scram, off you pop.

Hazah! Business is saved!

-HE FLATLINES

-Oh!

-Oh, I'm alive!

-BEEPS NORMALISE

Uh, can someone have a word with that bird? Every time!

I remember once being undercover.

-Oh, really, father?

-Yes.

Someone hadn't changed their bedsheets in months and I grew

-betwixt the mattress topper.

-HE LAUGHS

You're watching Hacker Time,

brought to you in association with strawberry jam.

If you like strawberries and you like jam,

then you might just like strawberry jam.

Contains no real strawberries.

Or jam!

-Mr Derek.

-HE SQUEALS

Take what you want. Take anything! Take my owl collection.

Oh, no, Mr Derek. Look.

-It's me, it's Herman.

-Well, what are you dressed like that for?

I have rebranded myself as a presenting ninja.

Yeah.

I can chop through difficult situations,

ask lots of quickfire questions and sneak up on people.

In a good way.

Herman, you know what? This is your greatest idea yet.

Thank you, Mr Derek. Thank you.

Yes, with that ninja outfit, I don't have to look at your repulsive face.

Now take out the bins. Woohoo!

When it rains, look for the rainbow, Herman.

-Look for the rainbow.

-HE SNIFFLES

Coming back to studio in three, two, one...

And cue!

Richard, what makes something art?

Well, art can be absolutely anything,

whatever you see to be beautiful or interesting, anything at all.

-Is this art?

-No.

-Is this art?

-No.

-Is this art?

-No.

Thought not. It's just so hard to know what art is.

In fact, it makes me want to sing. Hit it.

# Is this art?

# Is this art? It's hard to know where to start?

# Is this top hat for an ant as brilliant as a Rembrandt?

# Is this mouse with a banjo finer than Michelangelo?

# Is this photo of a photo as abstract as a Picasso?

# Is this mouldy piece of cheese as inspiring as a Matisse?

# Is this rock tied in a bow as grand as a van Gogh?

# Is this pea in a bowl as accomplished as a Warhol?

# Is this pineapple in a cardi as surreal as a Dali?

# Is this scared-looking flee as great as a da Vinci?

# Is this art?

# Is this art? It's hard to know where to start. #

Is this song art?

-Yay! What do you think of that, cocker?

-It definitely was not art.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Oh, that's lunch. Are you hungry, Ricky?

I'm starved, yeah, I'm really hungry.

Well, you like making things, don't you? So make your own lunch.

Bye-bye. # La, la, la, la, la. #

Oh, I hope it's rissoles.

I'm really quite hungry. Is that banana still around here?

Hello?

Wilf, you're not listening to me properly these days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, a week Tuesday.

Wilf, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Will you please just listen to me?!

I said a week Tuesday!

-I think I'll have the dressed crab, please.

-Sure thing.

Look, it's a crab in a dress, innit?

Wilf, that's not what the customer meant.

That's OK, I'll just have the Caesar salad.

-Et tu, Brute.

-Wilf!

I tell you what, I'll have the chicken tikka,

pilau rice and naan bread, please.

Of course, here you go.

A chicken ticker. A chicken clock, innit?

Pillow rice.

And a nan bread.

"Crabs wore much longer dresses back in my day."

HE SIGHS I've had enough of this. Goodbye!

-Wilf!

-What?

You don't listen, do you? You've ruined today's menu.

Mrs Breadbin, I'm...I'm sorry.

Oh, it's OK, Wilf. I know you mean well.

Oh, we've had our fair share of ups and downs,

but we've stuck together.

So, Wilfred,

I forgive you.

You what, love? I wasn't listening to a word of that.

Wilf!

I'll fire up the van!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

And now we present something that is worthy of the Tate Modern,

it's Hacker and Ricky in...

All right, cockers, it's day of the Art Ninja parody.

-First up, let's hear from my ninja apprentices.

-Yeah.

Hi, Ricky and Hacker,

can you show me how to make a rocket ship with a washing up bottle?

Easy!

You'll need...

A degree in aeronautical engineering and some heavy investment and

most likely the use of NASA's facilities.

Thanks, Hacker!

-Let's hear from the next apprentice.

-Let's, yes.

Hi, Ricky and Hacker.

Can you make a Doctor Who TARDIS out of a cereal box,

glue and blue paint?

I'll take this one, Ricky. Sure.

Take all those materials,

sell them online and use the money to buy a Doctor Who TARDIS.

Unbelievable.

Thanks, guys!

It's all right, cocker.

Right, now I'm going to show the viewers how to make art that

reverberates through time and echoes through the ages.

Me too!

HE BREAKS WIND

I said art!

Oh, I thought you said trump. It sounds quite similar to art.

Right.

Well, I'm going to show the viewers how to make a fantastic collage.

Hang on, I made one earlier.

I'll give you a hand there. Hacker, that is not a collage.

I know, it's a university,

but I thought any educational building would do.

Here's a quick art tip - how to draw an awesome horse.

Oh, go on, I'll watch you do it.

-You need a nice long nose like that.

-Long nose.

-They've got these cheeks,

haven't they, round the bottom?

-They've got the cheeks of a horse.

-Yeah, cheeks of a horse.

-There we go.

-Lovely work.

-A quick art tip - how to draw a horse.

What a lovely horse.

So, Hacker, what have you got for us?

Well, I've just wrote myself a little reminder.

Yeah, he's rubbish at horses, Ricky Martin.

-He can't even draw a horse.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, it's you, innit?

-Right, now I'm going to show everyone how to paint Wilf.

-Yeah!

So, Hacker, here's a tip -

-just paint exactly what's in front of you.

-Right.

Nice big nose there.

Head.

-Lovely jumper.

-Oh, thank you.

A shirt.

And there we are. Right, here's mine.

-Have a look, eh?

-Wow!

-That's good, innit?

-Pretty good, yeah.

-Let's see yours then.

-All right.

-Good, innit? Eh?

-What's that supposed to be?

You told me to paint exactly what I saw in front of me.

And now for the big art finale, I'm going to do an amazing sketch.

Ninja skills. Top that, Hacker.

-I have.

-What do you mean?

Well, this whole segment of the show has been an amazing sketch.

It's not really been amazing.

Yeah, you've got a point.

Come on, let's work on making your sticky note horse less rubbish.

# Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, HORSE! #

-An artist once painted me, you know?

-Oh, yes?

Yes, he painted me green, and I haven't ever washed since.

I'm actually a natural blonde.

What?

Blonde as you like.

Now on Hacker Time, looks like someone needs a tuber.

A tube of toothpaste, in today's Lost And Found. And Lost Again.

HACKER GROANS

Leia, what's wrong?

Are you having another panic attack about the concept of raccoons?

No, I'm practising my best Ellie Goulding voice.

I want to wow the planet with some haunting, throaty singing.

# Ah, ah, ah... #

You're going to want to do something

about that potent breath first, Leia.

# Here's my ballad of hopeless introspection

# Sung like I'm suffering from a throat infection

# With my vocals so husky and hoarse

# I'll sing all of the Christmas adverts for the well-known stores

# When you start and your throaty voice sesh

# You better make sure that your mouth's nice and fresh

# You're breathing so hard that you should take a hint

# Roses have died Leia, please have a mint

# Ah, ah, ah

# Someone tell her what to do

# Ah, ah, ah

# About that rancid CO2

-ALL:

-# Oooh, potent breath

# I've got a case of acute halitosis

# Oh, potent breath

# Funky odours eroding our noses

# Oh, potent breath

# It's getting worse every time you exhale

# Oh, potent breath

# I've caused destruction on an international scale. #

Oh, no, Leia,

your potent breath has caused the end of the world.

What am I like?

Oh, well, at least that gives me plenty of hopeless introspection

to sing hauntingly about.

Bye!

HE GAGS

Yo, Derek McGee, you're Lost And Found rip-off was

completely wrong, Leia looks nothing like that.

-Actually, she's much hairier.

-Woohoo!

And now we come to the climax of the show,

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam My Guest!

# Beam My Guest

# Beam My Guest

# Beam! #

-Yes! Ricky Martin, how much do you want to go home?

-Five.

Well, now's your chance.

You are standing in my budget-breaking, state-of-the-art

teleporter and I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably and you'll go somewhere horrific.

-Hey, wait, wait, horrific?

-Horrific, yeah.

Your time will end when you hear this sound.

It's difficult looking at Picasso in the eye.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-In that case, start the clock.

Question one. What phrase means doing something boring?

Watching what?

-Paint dry.

-No, it's watching an episode of Hacker Time.

Ha-ha, that's this show.

Question two. Why did the painting go to jail?

-It was framed.

-No. For major fraud.

You'll never get me, coppers! Ha-ha!

Well, by jingo, it's time for the music round.

Please welcome my closest confidant, chum, and all-round good guy,

Accordian George!

# It's Accordion George

# It's Accordion George, eh!

# It's Accordion George

# Acky G, hey, hey, hey!

# It's Accordion... #

Yes, Ricky Martin, here is a treat for you.

Acky G will play a well-known tune on his lovely, well-tuned acc,

and you have to guess what it is.

Take it away, AG.

HE PLAYS TUNE

Now, good luck with this, Ricky, cos I thought I was atrocious.

What do you think AG was playing on his lovely plump acc?

Ariana Grande, is it?

No, it wasn't, it was Zara Larsson with Lush Life.

Let's hear how it should have been played.

MUSIC: Lush Life by Zara Larsson

I can't believe I didn't get that.

Well, it was nothing like that, George, what were you playing at?

I thought you had learned it. Did you not get the e-mail?

Get away. Get rid of Acky G.

Let's have a big clap. Give us a wave, Acc.

Off you pop.

Why do we keep booking him?

-Rick, what do you get if you mix red and yellow?

-Orange.

No, thanks, I've just had one.

What do you get if you mix red and yellow?

-Orange.

-No, rellow.

It's difficult looking at Picasso in the eye.

Time's up. How did he score, Lolly?

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

Well, that's our highest score yet. That means you're going home, Ricky.

-Yes!

-Time to beam my guest.

Oh, Herman, make sure you pull the right lever.

Ha-ha-ha.

-I will, Mr Hacker, I will.

-HE LAUGHS

That's not the right lever! What have you done?

I don't want to go there! I don't want to go there! Aaah!

I don't know where he's gone, but I'm sure he'll be fine.

Ah!

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to alphabetise my collection of tin fruits, but first,

there's the small matter of my awful end song.

Sing along if you want to.

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Ricky Martin popped along

# He did an amazing sketch

# We talked about Art Ninja

# Then I mistook art for trumping

# And the resulting odour made him wretch

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Was that art?