Paul Martin Hacker Time

One minute to on-air. One minute.

Look at the state of this place.

Right, everyone, it's time to have a massive clear-out.

Oh, you're telling me. I shouldn't have had

that lentil curry for breakfast. STOMACH RUMBLES

Ooh. Oh! HE BREAKS WIND

No!

I mean it's time to have a spring clean.

Right ahead of you, yeah.

I'm just cleaning this drum suspension spring.

It fell out of the washing machine while I was repairing it.

Why does nobody understand me? I just want us to make more space.

Oh, it's not a problem for me.

Oh! STOMACH RUMBLES, HE BREAKS WIND

Lolly, you're my only hope!

How can we get rid of all this useless rubbish

that's hindering our lives?

Well, it's simple. We'll throw away our scripts.

They're full of useless rubbish.

Perfect!

Woohoo!

Run the titles!

HACKER BREAKS WIND Oh, I just can't stop!

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# You gotta watch this

# My, my, my, my programme hits you So hard

# Makes me say Oh, my word!

# Thank you for watching me It's telly

# But not what you normally see

# It feels good And there's out-takes, too

# Comedy, guests and clips It's true

# So sit back, don't move too much This is a show

# Ha! You can't touch

# Stop! Hacker Time! #

Thank you.

OK, standby, everyone. We're on air in five, four, three...

-Well, is the celebrity guest here?

-..two, one.

-He's coming now!

-HE CHUCKLES

Hello. It's Paul Martin.

I present "Flog It!" and I'm here to film and episode.

Certainly, Mrs Martin, if that is your real name.

-But don't you need the toilet first?

-No, I've already been, thanks.

-I'd just like to crack on.

-You can crack on in there, mate.

There's an ancient artefact in the bowl.

Why don't you have a little look at it? But don't touch it.

Hacker, ready!

Good. Nice of him to drop in.

Ha-ha! Drop in.

HE SCREAMS

Ahh!

HE WHISTLES

Ladies and gentlemen, from "Flog It!",

it's antiques expert Paul Martin!

Ahh!

Welcome to Hacker Time!

I'm not doing this.

But, Paul, I've got loads of antiques for you to value.

Still not doing it.

But you love antiques and they need valuing!

Well, what are they?

The jokes in today's script, they're all ancient.

Including that one about all the jokes in the script being ancient.

Hey, talking of ancient jokes, here's Derek with the Fact File.

Hoo-hoo!

What's this? It's the wrong button. Hang on.

-What have you put that on for, Derek?

-Who's that?!

'Sarah, I don't speak monkey.'

Come on. Press the right button.

Oh, this is right.

Paul Martin is a fine man who tells people

what their old-fashioned objects are worth and how big they are not.

He spends his days clasping his hands behind a desk

whilst wearing a blue blazer and clasping his hands upon

the wings of a plane whilst wearing a blue blazer.

He's presented "Flog It!" since antique times.

In those days, he clasped a dog and wore a brown blazer.

Outside work, Paul is very musical,

having learnt to play the U-bend from his own toilet.

And that's nothing you need to know about Paul Martin.

So, now you've seen the quality of our content,

are you willing to stay?

Absolutely not.

Well, maybe we can come to a little arrangement.

I'll give you 100!

-200.

-500!

-1,000!

-10 billion!

Done. That's a deal.

I can't believe you're giving me £10 billion to do this.

I'm not, cocker.

I'm giving you 10 billion jokes from today's script.

Shame they're so bad, they're worthless.

Hey, talking of worthless. Larry, what else is coming up?

This is a rare, limited-edition, collectable episode of Hacker Time,

because it might actually be funny.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, hey.

Coming up, Paul tells us where he sleeps...

In a box.

..this happens...

-No!

-..and Hacker says no a lot.

-No!

No!

Don't go away.

-Now, cocker, are you ready for your big interview?

-Yes.

Here we go.

Paul Martin, why have you got two first names?

-Are there two of you?

-I wish there was. I'd get double the money.

Be quiet, Paul. I was directing that question at Martin.

I could be him as well.

Ooh, two for one, hey?

Now, you've seen many antiques over the years,

but what's the oldest thing you've ever laid your eyes on?

Something from the late 17th century, let's say,

on the show, yeah.

Hey, do you know the oldest thing I've ever laid my eyes on?

Go on, surprise me.

You! BOTH LAUGH

Paul Martin!

I'm only joking. It's not really you.

It's actually that outfit you're wearing.

Now, you've presented "Flog It!" for many years, haven't you?

-1,000 shows.

-1,000 shows.

-Yeah.

1,000 long, long shows.

Hey, do you remember that time that I was the auctioneer on "Flog It!"?

-You never were.

-Yeah, I was!

Gaze your good eyes upon this antique-flavoured goodness.

You never were!

'Right now, we're hoping'

to turn 15p into maybe £150, who knows, £200.

Our final lot today is this mystery item.

I'll start the bidding at 15p.

It's with this chap at 15p. Blah-drala-la!

Do I hear 30 quid? Blah-drala-la!

60 quid... Blah-drala-la! 90 quid...

Blah-drala-la! That's not even legal tender, sir. 150 quid.

Am I hearing right?

Blah-drala-la! 300 quid over there. Blah-drala-la! 350!

370 quid. Oh, done at 370 quid.

Going, going, gone!

-£370.

-Yes!

SHE GASPS

That's incredible, isn't it?

You've bought yourself...

FANFARE PLAYS

..15p.

Paul did tell you, cockers.

-Hey!

-That is brilliant. You are good on the rostrum.

Now, Paul and Martin, what makes something an antique?

Well, something that's generally 100 years old.

Ooh! I own something over 100 years old.

-But, unfortunately, it's worthless. Have you met Wilf?

-No.

How dare you?! I'm 99 and a half.

There you go. He's not 100.

But I am worthless.

Bye.

Well, they say the older you get, the more valuable you are.

Yeah, it's not always true.

Now, Paul or Martin, I've heard that you're an expert

on Victorian toilets.

What's in them that you find so interesting?

Who told you that?

The researchers.

I know nothing about Victorian loos. I'm a furniture man.

Although you can get a lovely mahogany loo seat.

-I'm currently bidding on a Victorian toilet.

-Are you?

Going, going...

HE BREAKS WIND Gone!

Hey! That lentil curry is still playing havoc with me.

Oh, brilliant!

-Paul! No, actually, this question goes to Martin.

-Martin?

-Martin...

-Yeah, I thought so.

..how can you tell if an antique's genuine?

Well, basically, if it's silver, it's hallmarked,

if it's a bit of pottery,

it normally has a maker's impression mark.

So, turn it over and check the bottom.

Ooh! Well, I must be genuine because I've got a mark on my bottom.

I should have wiped after using that Victorian lav-lav.

Paul and Martin, here's a question for you both.

Why are things worth more when they're in a box?

-When they're in a box?

-Yeah.

Well, because it generally means they've been well looked after

and they're in tiptop, mint condition.

Well, I've put all my priceless antiques, including Wilf, in a box.

I'll just leave it down here and watch it rise in value.

-LOUD CRASH

-Oh, my wonky hip!

Be quiet, Wilfred!

-Paul...

-Yes?

-Thank you for being a great interviewee.

-And you too, Martin.

-Both of us!

But, I'm afraid we have to leave it there because I have to go.

Where do you have to go now?

Nowhere! I just have to go.

Going, going... HE BREAKS WIND

..gone again! WATER SPLASHING

You need to see a doctor or a vet.

Larry, cut to something else quickly!

Will someone help me up, please?

Stop putting me off.

HE BREAKS WIND

Now, on Hacker Time,

Employee Of The Month is up for grabs

in The Accommodation Place.

'Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.

'Experience a warm welcome.'

-Madame.

-Get out of the way!

'And indulge in gourmet food.

'This isn't just any accommodation place,

'this is THE Accommodation Place.

'It's Friday and there's a staff meeting being held

at the Best Opulent TipTop Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel...

-SHE CHUCKLES

-..BOTTOM.

Service is of the upmost importance to this hotel

and I believe that standards are slipping.

And here is your key, Mr and Mrs Standard.

Oh, shall we?

-LOUD CRASH

-Oh, this floor is slippy!

I couldn't care less!

Things have to change.

I'm going to come up with a new way to motivate you because the

"current" reward scheme isn't working.

That's because you're not rewarding us with currants.

You're rewarding us with sultanas.

I'm going to introduce an Employee Of The Month scheme.

Well, that sounds better than the scheme we have now.

The chairs have never been so motivated.

Oh, I love to work!

Have a sultana, you creep.

The Employee Of The Month will be voted for by the hotel guests

and the winner will receive a, um...

-..free holiday.

-THEY GASP

Good luck.

'Herman, the porter, is offering guests breakfast in bed

'to try and win votes for Employee Of The Month.'

-Breakfast in bed!

-SHE SCREAMS

Oh, that would be lovely.

One moment.

So, here's your bacon, here's your sausages,

here's your beans, cereals and here's your milk.

Oh, and a kipper.

-What on earth do you think you're doing?!

-Huh?

I always have a glass of orange juice with my breakfast!

Oh, well, yes, of course. One moment.

-Oh, thank you.

-It's a pleasure.

I'm being very subtle about trying to win the guests' votes

for Employee Of The Month.

I want your vote!

And if I get it, I will increase the size of the orange juice glass

at breakfast, from this...to this.

That's almost a whole mouthful!

'Events manager, Lolly, is offering new spa treatments to improve

'her chances of winning Employee Of The Month.'

Ah!

I'm just going to put some cucumber on you to make you cool and relaxed.

Very relaxing, yeah.

And now, I'm going to further relax you

by playing you the soothing sounds of whales.

TRAFFIC BLARES OVER RADIO

That's Cardiff city centre.

KLAXON BLARES

To win Employee Of The Month,

I need to remember the golden rule -

the customer is always right.

Waiter!

What, what, what?

This meat, it tastes of chicken.

It is chicken, Madam. That's what you ordered.

Don't contradict me! Take it back!

Waiter!

This spaghetti is long and thin.

That's what spaghetti is.

Not where I come from. Spaghetti means meat and potato pie. Go on.

Take it back.

Oh, this sandwich is too bready.

This paella is too authentic.

Oh!

-Waiter!

-What?!

I just wanted to say I had a really lovely meal.

Lovely meal?! Right, that's it! No more Mr Nice Guy.

I don't care what any of you ungrateful hoo-hoos think.

Go and find somewhere else to eat!

Hoo-hoo!

And if I'm elected as Employee Of The Month,

I pledge to abolish the bedroom tax.

Arggh!

Who left this tack in my bed?

-ALL:

-Susan! Susan! Susan!

Susan, the guests love you. You've won Employee Of The Month.

Yes! And I was just spouting a load of hollow promises I can't keep.

So, where's my free holiday to?

Well, to here, of course,

to the Best Opulent TipTop Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel.

You're kidding me! I'm not staying here! The service is rubbish.

You're telling me! I'm still on the floor.

Shut your cakehole, Mrs Standard,

from earlier in the episode.

Well, then, the award will have to go to the second-best

Employee Of The Month...

this chair.

Oh, I'm so happy! I need to sit down.

But I can't...

-SOBS:

-I can't sit down.

Oh, have a sultana, you wuss.

Go on, there you are.

I can't eat.

'I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today. Have we?'

I was Employee Of The Month once, Father.

Wasn't that because you made all the other employees ill?

Well, yes.

Yes, it was!

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

-ON TV:

-'And now a word from our sponsor,

'if you like pictures of celebrities'

doing nothing, then take a good,

long look at Celebrities Doing Nothing magazine.

And then take a good, long look at yourself.

Mr, Derek.

Every day at this point in the show. Yes, Herman?

Please, oh, please, can I be a presenter? I just want it all -

the cameras, the bright lights, the big screen.

-You know what, Herman?

-Yeah?

I often think of you in the same sentence as cameras,

bright lights and the big screen.

You mean I'm finally destined for stardom?

No, I just think of you in the same sentence

and here is that sentence...

Herman, take those cameras, bright lights and big screen to the skip.

They're broken and have no place in my TV studio, just like you.

Goodbye! Hoo-hoo!

Oh, well, it's a start.

Coming back to studio in three, two, one...

And cue!

Now, both Paul and Martin, have you ever been serenaded on national TV?

-Never.

-Well, now is your lucky day, cockers,

cos I'm going to sing a lovely song

and it's all about a certain man.

Hit it!

# When I'm bored to tears

# And wallowing in my worst fears

# I plug my telly Scart in

# Then switch the channel to Paul Martin

# He is the tea-time viewing slot hunk

# Tells hopeful folk

# Their possessions are junk

# He sifts through auction lots

# Like tasteless floral pots

# He checks chairs for dry rot

# He walks, talks, then exits shot

# He looks sharp as a razor

# In his natty blazer

# His shirts crisply-pressed

# Paul Martin is the best

# Yes!

# Oh, Paul Martin!

# You're Paul Martin!

# It's Paul Martin

# That's Paul Martin

# Oh-oh-oh-oh. #

Yeah!

What do you think of that, cocker?

That was brilliant. You really bigged me up.

It wasn't about you, it was about a totally different Paul Martin

who just happens to be an antiques expert.

Don't flatter yourself, Paul!

PAUL CHUCKLES, BELL RINGS

That's lunch. You wouldn't like it, Paul. It's tasteful. See you!

Come on.

HERMAN LAUGHS

What, 15 years on "Flog It!" for this?

They big me up and then they put me right down.

Wilfred, business is terrible. We're just not trendy enough.

To be fair, I am 99 and a half.

I think we need to relaunch as a trendy coffee shop

to attract more customers.

Ooh, here comes one now.

Hi there. Do you serve freshly ground coffee?

Yes. I freshly dropped all of our coffee on the ground, look.

Well, I think I will just have a small mocha.

Coming up.

Your shoes are silly!

Your shoes are silly!

Anything else?

Yes. A skinny cappuccino, please.

Here you go. This is the skinniest one we have.

Yeah. But it is made from full-fat cardboard.

Look, forget it. I'll just have a tea.

I mean a green tea!

This is ridiculous!

Your drinks are overpriced,

your atmosphere is rubbish and your Wi-Fi's terrible.

Oh, come on. She's not that bad when you get used to her.

Wilf!

I'll tell you what, I'll just have a simple, black coffee.

Certainly.

SPLUTTERING AND HISSING

HE BREAKS WIND

There, all done. Now, to make you that coffee.

-Urgh...

-Wilf!

Oh, fire up the van.

-Huh!

-HE BREAKS WIND

BELL RINGS

And now, Hacker Time presents Paul and Hacker in Dog It!

Well, I'm delighted to say this is going to be priceless.

Hurray!

No, the reaction on your face, that is, when I tell you,

your grandmother's teapot isn't worth a penny.

-Huh?! Oh!

-CRASH

Now, has anybody else got a possession that needs valuing?

-I've got an antique ring.

-Ooh, where is it?

-Right here.

OLD RING TONE PLAYS

This ring tone is so 1998.

Hacker, have you got anything that's in mint condition?

Course I have, yeah. This mint!

It's a pity it's not in better condition though.

I've been sucking on it for three weeks.

What I need to see is something that could really fly at auction.

Well, how about this?

How much did that cost?

Well, it was going cheap at half the price.

At half the price! At half the price!

-At half the price!

-See.

I have seen things like this before really fly

and then, all of a sudden, they drop.

-At half the price.

-You were right.

Oh, he must have been at my lentil curry.

Now, what else have you brought in?

-Well, I've got a very elaborate table.

-Great.

A very elaborate timetable of the Wigan bus routes. Look,

it includes the 6:10 Hawkley Hall Circular. Hey?

Enough of your nonsense, Hacker.

-It's time for me to get on the rostrum.

-Ooh.

Great. That's got the steak tenderised.

Time to start the proceedings.

10, 12, 15, 18, 25, 30.

Bingo! Hurray!

Great, that's bingo done. Now, for the auction.

What am I bid for this first lot?

4.10! No, 4.20.

5.15! 6.45!

7.50!

-Hacker, you haven't even heard what I'm selling yet.

-I know.

I was still looking at the times on this Wigan bus timetable.

I'm definitely getting the 7.50 back home.

And now, for a final item of the day,

who is going to start me off with a bid of £10,000?

FLY BUZZES

I don't know. A fly at auction.

I'll just swat it away with this bidding paddle.

That's £10,000 bid by Hacker T Dog.

No!

-20,000!

-No!

-30,000!

-No!

-40,000!

-No!

£50,000!

Oh! I'm ruined! Unless someone else bids in the next two seconds.

£50,001!

Fair warning, I'm selling to the man

with the flat face and the wispy hair.

Going once, going twice...

Hurray!

And that's a late bid from our furry friend Hacker T Dog.

Sold for £600 billion!

What have I just bought?

This Hacker Time script full of worthless, antique jokes, of course.

-Oh, could this day get any worse?

-Yep, I'm afraid it could.

By my watch, you've just missed the 7.50 bus home.

Budgies!

What's the worst thing you've ever bought, Father?

This television, because I have to watch rubbish like this!

HE CHUCKLES

HE SNORES

'Now on Hacker Time,

'it's time to join Luke and Leia'

for more Lost And Found...And Lost Again.

# Lost and found

# Then lost again. #

HACKER SHOUTS

-You're making a terrible racket!

-I know.

It's badminton later.

This is a recording studio. You should be making music.

If only I could.

# Tried to learn some instruments but it's a total no-go

# I can teach you how to play a great piano solo

# Once I'm done with teaching you you'll play the harp and oboe

# What about this saxophone? Is it contract or pay-as-you-go?

# Why can't I play the Irish flute?

# Because that is a piece of fruit

# What about this xylophone?

# That's just a pile of bones

# Time to start with something simple

# Make a noise on this here cymbal

# Or play the big bass drum

# But I am devoid of thumb

# I can't get a decent tune out of this antique French bassoon

-# You're blowing into a baboon

-Oh, yeah!

# I've formed my own string quartet

# You've brought the wrong castanet

# But it helps me catch this eel

# He's teaching me to play the glockenspiel

# I have had enough of you Gonna emigrate to China

# You don't know the difference between your major and your minor

# Who cares about triangles the cor anglais or trumpet?

# Think I'll have a milky brew and eat this lovely crumpet. #

Er... That's not a crumpet. That's a harpsichord, Leia.

Ahh-ahh-ahh!

And now, we come to the climax of the show,

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam my guest

# Beam my guest

-ALL:

-# Beam my guest

-# Beam! #

-Guest, my guest, beam!

Paul, and indeed, Martin, how much do you both want to go home?

I really want to go. In fact, we both want to go home.

-We've had enough.

-Well, now's your chance.

You are standing in my genuine 17th-century teleporter.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

-Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

-Let's do it!

Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere much worse.

-How does that sound?

-Not good.

The time will end when you hear this sound...

At half the price. At half the price.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

In that case, start the clock!

Who is the Victorian era named after?

Queen Victoria.

No, it's King Era of Luxembourg, or something.

Cheap antiques are said to be going for a what?

-A song?

-If you insist.

SINGS: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

Asking the next question is Trevor Tordjman,

star of The Next Step and Lost And Found Music Studios.

I play James, who's a drummer.

So, that means my favourite food is chicken...?

Drumsticks.

Let's see if you're right.

You're incorrect. Completely wrong, in fact. It's just chicken.

Straight up. Actually, I already gave you the answer.

Next question, how many years have you been hosting "Flog It!"?

15.

No. The answer is too many years.

Now, Paul, Herman's holding two objects that together

represent a famous job, but what is it?

Auctioneering.

No. It's hammer listener.

It's someone who listens to the personal problems of hammers

and gives them advice.

What is an antique?

Something that's around 100 years old.

No. This is an "ant-eek".

-Eek!

-Hey, do you understand?

It was an ant saying "eek".

At half the price. At half the price.

Time's up. Lolly, what's his total?

Oh, I don't know. I was too busy giving this hammer some advice.

Yeah, you see, you should have more confidence in yourself. Yeah.

That was weird.

Which means, you'll soon be going, going, gone back home.

What do you think about that, cocker?

Brilliant! Get me out of here.

Will do. It's time to beam my guest!

Oh, Herman, make sure you don't accidentally send him elsewhere.

Don't worry, Mr Hacker.

HE LAUGHS

No! Don't send me there!

I'm sure Paul and Martin are just fine.

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to cook a pork loin in a marinade of parsley and torment.

But first, I shall sing my abhorrent end song.

Join in if you know the words.

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing there's been joy, fun and laugher

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Paul Martin, the antique man

# Helped me choose a load of things to flog

# I told him lots of ancient jokes

# But after eating a lentil curry I ended up on an old Victorian bog

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

I do have more confidence!

I'm confident this is the worst show I've ever seen!