Luis Troyano Hacker Time

OK, one minute to on-air, everyone.

People, it's the day of the annual Hacker Time Bake Off.

Lolly, have you made anything?

Oh, get lost, Derek.

Ooh, but I asked you too.

No, no, no. I have made something.

This cake!

With "Get lost, Derek" iced on top.

Ooh, how thoughtful.

Wilf, have you made anything for the bake off?

Eh, the bake off? I thought you said cake off.

Well, that humorous misunderstanding does still work.

It doesn't. I've made a cake...

of soap.

But I have iced the words "Get lost, Derek" on the top.

Ooh, how thoughtful.

-Hacker, how's your choux bun coming along?

-Oh, terrible!

It's stuck to me shoe.

DEREK SLURPS

Never mind, the chocolate tastes delightful.

Actually, the choux bun is stuck to me other shoe.

Uh! So that means that I've just eaten...

Yes, a slice of chocolate cake that I also stepped in.

Ooh, thank goodness for that. Run the titles.

# You gonna watch this?

# You gotta watch this!

# You gotta watch this!

-HE RAPS:

-# My, my, my, my programme hits you so hard

# Makes me say, "Oh, my word!"

# Thank you for watching me

# It's telly, but not what you normally see

# It feels good, there's outtakes too

# Comedy, guests and clips, it's true

# So sit back - don't move too much

# This is the show - ah! - you can't touch. #

Stop! Hacker Time.

Thank you.

OK, stand by, everyone. We are on-air in five, four...

-Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?

-..two, one.

He's just coming now.

Hello, there.

I am celebrity baker Luis Troyano and I am here to film

a popular food programme today.

Certainly, madam, but you look like you could use the lavatory first.

-No, I don't.

-Yeah, go on.

-No, I really don't need it.

-Get in, I warmed the seat up for you.

-No, I don't need it!

-The paper's three-ply.

-No!

Ready, Hacker.

Good. Nice of him to drop in.

Ha-ha. Droppings.

Oh, no. No! I don't want this.

HE SCREAMS

Help!

HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

HE CONTINUES SCREAMING

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Great British Bake Off finalist Luis Troyano!

HE SCREAMS

Welcome to Hacker Time!

I'm not doing this. Sorry, I'm not doing it.

Oh, Luis, please stay.

-I've had something baking for you all morning.

-What?

-What have you had baking?

-This.

HE BREAKS WIND

-Uh!

-No. And why would that make me stay?

I don't know. I didn't think it through, did I?

And now I've got a soggy bottom.

-Derek, run the fact file.

-HE BREAKS WIND

It's still coming out.

Coming up, me little owl.

-Monkey tennis!

-Oh, what is this rubbish?

And what's this? That's the wrong button.

Oh, no!

Who's that? Come on, press the right button. Oh, this is right.

Luis Troyano is a top-notch food man and Great British Bake Off finalist.

He's such a good baker even his spots are made of gingerbread.

He impressed the Bake Off judges

by magically producing cupcakes from his mouth,

and having nose bleeds into his meringue mix.

Luis makes all sorts of mouthwatering creations like

this cake that divided itself to form its own evil twin.

Somebody stop it before it lays eggs!

Luis, is often proud of his clean, white apron,

but sometimes he is also ashamed of it.

And that's all you need to know about Luis Troyano, hoo-hoo!

So that's who you are.

Anyway, to make up for that misunderstanding earlier,

I've been baking something else for you.

-You're not going to trump again, are you, Hacker?

-How dare you!

No, I've made you this lovely cake down there.

Oh, wow, fantastic. Looks amazing, thanks.

-Take a nice big bite of that, cocker.

-Thank you.

I flavoured it with me trumps. Ha-ha!

Larry, what else is coming up, other than that cake?

It all. Eat the cake!

Do you like food? Of course you do!

Then you'll love today's show

because today's show is all about food, which you love. Yeah.

Coming up, Hacker asks Luis why he's like this.

Why are you like this?

The Hacker Time viewing figures are in.

And a sketch is ruined by some loose food.

-Oh-hey!

-Decidedly average, eh?

I honestly don't know how this series keeps getting commissioned.

-Do you, Luis?

-I've no idea.

You cheeky monkey.

-Now, are you ready for your big interview?

-I'm ready, let's do it.

Now, you have appeared on the BBC's biggest show.

How do you feel about that, cocker?

I absolutely loved appearing on the Great British Bake Off.

It was a lot of fun.

What are you talking about? I meant Hacker Time.

OK, seeing as you insist on going on about it, let's talk about Bake Off.

Do you remember that time when

Mary Berry was terrible at hide-and-seek?

LUIS CHUCKLES

Fortunately, only the cake was spotted. Do you get it?

It's got spots on it. It's a spotty cake.

It works on two levels.

Do remember that time and the official photographer

was replaced by a giraffe?

Do you remember that time the contestants staged an uprising

against people in sensible blazers?

-Look at them all.

-It was a school day.

You're not kidding, cocker.

-Luis.

-Yes.

What's the secret to a well-risen sponge?

-Lots of air and never open your oven early.

-Wrong.

The secret to a well-risen sponge is eight hours' sleep. Look.

Oh, what a lovely rest.

I'm as fresh as a daisy. Bye!

Hey! Now, Lu...is - if that is your real name -

how do you make sugar work?

Well, you melt it in a pan and then you have to be really careful

cos it's really hot, but then you can shape into different things.

No, this is how you make sugar work.

-You, do my maths assignment for me.

-Yes, sir.

How do you beat an egg?

Put it in a bowl and beat it with a whisk.

No. I once tried to beat an egg, I wasn't successful, though.

I've won! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's my own fault. I don't know why I was running in slow motion.

Luis T, are you any good at piping?

I'm pretty good at piping around cakes, Hacker, yes.

No. Are you any good at piping? Me toilet's blocked.

I left a chocolate log in it.

You're from the North just like me, so you must know your pies.

I do, yes.

-Well, what's the main ingredient in a cottage pie?

-Cottage is beef.

No, it's a cottage.

Luis, what's the main ingredient in a shepherd's pie?

-Shepherd is lamb.

-No, it's a shepherd.

-What's the main ingredient in a game pie?

-Oh, I don't know, Hacker.

-Chessboard.

-Don't be daft, it's partridge and venison, of course.

That's just weird, what you said. I don't know why you do that.

Why are you like this? Take it seriously.

This is a highbrow show, you know, not some tatty filler like Bake Off.

Luis, I couldn't talk to a Bake Off finalist without showing you

my very own show stopper.

-Do you want to see it?

-I'd love to see you show stopper.

There it is.

This button literally stops the show

when the guest gets a tickle boring,

which is about now.

# Ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! #

Now on Hacker Time, drastic measures are needed to save money in

today's The Accommodation Place.

In fact, they've even cut back on this introduct...

Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.

Experience a warm welcome.

-Madame.

-Oh, get out of the way.

And indulge in gourmet food.

This isn't just any accommodation place,

this is THE Accommodation Place.

It's Thursday and there are money troubles at

the Best Opulent Tip-top Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel,

BOTTOM.

Right, are we all here? Good.

I've got some appalling news.

Because of the failing economy, we are seriously losing a lot of money.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to spend the last of it

having colour print of this graph.

What are we doing to do?

We have to make some cuts.

First things first,

from now on the guests get one square of toilet paper each.

I've just eaten a chicken jalfrezi and I wondered,

could I perhaps have another square of toilet paper?

No, you can't, greedy guts!

Just use the other side of the one you've already got.

HE BREAKS WIND

-And we're going to have to get rid of our gym.

-Oh, no, boss, please.

-I'm sorry, Jim.

-Oh.

To help save money,

I've decided to reduce portion sizes in the restaurant.

The main course this evening will be just 1p.

Well, that's good value.

No, it's just one pea. He-he.

-That'll be £75, please.

-What?! Huh.

I'm trying to raise money by

putting on more events in the hotel

than ever before.

Everyone for the wedding this way.

Everyone for the clown convention, that's over there.

And those for the farmers' market, that's that way.

Thanks, love. Thank you.

I hope I got that all right. Um...

I do.

HE BLEATS Bridal Chorus By Wagner

Another thing we've decided to do is charge extra

for our non-essential items.

SHE RINGS BELL A double room, please.

No problem.

But just to let you know, your room does not include a kettle.

-That's OK.

-Or a TV.

-Oh, that's a shame.

-Or a bed.

-Oh, that seems a little bit...

-Or walls...

-But...

-..or a ceiling.

-Look...

-Or a door.

Well, what does it come with?!

-A key.

-Ah!

Oh, what a comfortable-looking key.

Thank you.

-My pleasure.

-Lovely.

-Yeah.

What's on the menu today?

Well, we have lobster Thermidor,

steak tartare and oysters drizzled with caviar.

Oh, wow, what amazing food, mate. I'm spoilt for choice.

Oh, no, those are just the stains on the menu.

We've only got peas to eat.

We can't turn anybody away because we need the money.

So I've been getting creative and putting guests in any space

we've got available.

-Your room, madam.

-Thank you.

Your room, ma-dame.

Your room, ma-dame.

But I asked for a brick wall view.

Oh.

It's no use, we're ruined.

Oh.

Wait! Look at this.

The hotel's been doing really well

since all those things we did

during the episode.

Oh, fantastic.

What a lovely pile of money.

Hello, I had another chicken jalfrezi.

Ooh, can I have some more of your toilet paper?

Of course you can, cocker. We're rolling in it now.

-There you go, have the lot.

-Thank you.

Now where's that one gone? Where's 17?

-That one's there for some reason.

-Susan.

-Hm?

-Where's the money gone?

-Eeh!

No! We're ruined.

I wouldn't worry about it.

It says here that due to the economy,

the value of toilet paper has skyrocketed to £1 million a square.

We're rich. Callooh! Callay!

Ho!

-BOTH:

-Yay!

-ALL:

-# Da-da-da-da-da, yay! #

# Da-da-da-da-da, Yay!

# This is the end of the episode! #

I stayed at a hotel once where

they saved money by never cleaning.

Really, Father? How was that?

Marvellous! I cultivated beautifully

upon an occasional table.

-Ooh.

-Bha!

You're watching Hacker Time, sponsored by the concept of air.

If you need air, then get some air.

'Ah, it's that simple.'

Mr Derek.

Yes, Herman.

I brought you a home-made pie.

Yeah, I thought you might help you make your decision

about letting me be a presenter.

That does it! Herman, you'll never be on screen.

You don't look right, you don't sound right.

You'll never be anything more than a work experience boy.

# Reach for the stars

-Oh!

-# Climb every mountain... #

-Hello.

-Hi, is that Herman?

-'Yes, it is.'

-Herman Eggly?

-'Yeah.'

'It's Dan Walker here. I'm just calling because'

we want to get you on the next series of Football Focus.

Pretty soon you

'are going to be famous.'

I knew this day would come.

Derek, you can take your work experience

and you can take this pie too.

HE WHIMPERS

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, I'm sorry about that.

'As I was saying, pretty soon'

you are going to be famous.

We're going to make you the best work experience boy

'in the country. You can start,'

if you like, by cleaning the toilets because Lawro

has left them in a right state.

Mr Derek, perhaps I was a bit harsh.

Mr Derek? Mr Derek!

OK, coming back to studio in three, two, up one...

Cue Hacker.

Luis Troyano, icing.

-Icing sugar?

-No, I sing.

This is the part of the show where I sing a lovely song.

But it is about icing, ironically.

You see, I've fallen in love with a cake named Margaret.

ROMANTIC R&B MUSIC PLAYS

# Margaret, ooh!

# I find you quite thrilling

# You've got so many layers

# And a raspberry jam filling

# Oh, Margaret, I want you for my wife

# I hope it won't end in tears

# When they bring out the knife

# Your frosting's made out of cream cheese

# Your sponge is classic genoise

# It's only you I want to please

# Oh, wait, I think I have to sneeze

Achoo!

# Margaret, now you're nowt but a crumb

# I tried to repair you but I'm lacking in thumb

# Margaret, you have left me upset

# But you'll always be with me

# My Margaret, I will never forget. #

Oh, look, a scone. Aah!

What did you think of that, cocker?

I thought it was really sad, Hacker. What about poor Margaret?

Who's Margaret?

-BILL RINGS

-Oh, look, that's lunch.

-Do you want some food, Luis?

-Oh, yeah, I'd love some.

You're the expert, make yourself some, cocker. See ya!

La-la-la-la, foodstuffs.

Come on.

Oh, food, substandard food.

Don't leave me, guys. I'm hungry too.

You wouldn't treat Mary Berry like this.

Wilfred, we're out of food.

VIOLIN CHORD STRUCK That violinist has eaten it all.

-Oh, don't we have any eggs?

-No.

They've just run out.

He-he! You'll never beat us.

What are we going to serve our customers?

-We'll just have to serve them a smile.

-We can't.

The smile went off weeks ago.

-We'll just have to improvise.

-Very well.

I'm a tiny tree growing in the forest.

Look at my branches and tendrils.

-Wilf...

-Yes.

I mean, we're going to have to make meals that don't contain food.

-We might just get away with it.

-Yes.

-Hello, I'd like your finest dish, please.

-Certainly.

We have this one with a nice blue rim around it.

Do you have anything light?

We've got this Anglepoise light.

No. I'm Anglepoise-intolerant.

Do you have anything even lighter?

Well, today's special is...

..invisible roast.

That looks delicious.

-Can I pay you with this invisible credit card?

-Certainly.

Contactless OK?

Thank you, madam. And you, you tiny tree growing in the forest.

-Our pleasure.

-Wilf.

-What?

I don't believe it. His invisible credit card has been declined.

-VIOLIN CHORD STRUCK

-And that's not the worst of it.

That violin is back.

I'll fire up the visible van.

BELL RINGS

'And now, Hacker Time presents'

Luis and Hacker in The Large UK Baked Goods Contest.

Well, your sponge is delicious, but there's a problem with your fondant.

-Why is it?

-It's your aunt, she's far too fond of me.

-Oh, hello, dear. Aren't you a lovely young man?

-No, no.

-What a spiffing cardigan you're wearing.

-No, no.

You all need to get out.

-All of you, you need to get out.

-Lovely bit of knitwear, that.

Well, I hope the next contestant is going to be a bit more serious.

You all right, cockers, eh? Ha-ha!

-All right, Hacker, what have you been baking?

-This.

HE BREAKS WIND

Oh, Hacker, not that old joke again.

What are you talking about?

I've been baking this.

-BREAKS WIND:

-Trombone cake, eh.

-Hacker, you were supposed to make a fairy cake.

-I did, look.

It's a very furry cake.

I left it next to the radiator for seven weeks.

Oh, Hacker.

-Did you at least managed to beat your eggs?

-No.

EGGS PANT

I still can't run faster than them.

-Did you at least try and use a balloon whisk?

-I did.

Every time I let go of it, this happened.

Tell me you've made a Victoria sandwich.

Of course. Look!

We are not an amuse-d bouche.

Hacker, this just really isn't good enough.

It's not my fault.

Mel and Sue kept coming in and disrupting my recipes.

Oh, look, here she is now.

Hello, I'm Melon Sue.

No. Right, I think we need to move on to something else.

How did you make your jam?

Well, I started with the roadworks and then I failed to implement

a steady traffic flow system.

You must've got on better with your bread.

Have you proved your dough?

I've proved my dough is what?

Have you proved your dough?

Have I proved my dough is what?

Oh, forget it. I'd like to see how you'd get on in the real Bake Off.

-Do you have a signature dish?

-Yes.

He does all me autographs for me cos I can't be bothered.

-Have you done a technical challenge?

-Yes.

I wired up this plug.

I did intricately craft it out of marzipan.

Right, that does it, Hacker.

You're out of this competition unless you can impress

me with a show stopper.

No problem. I've made this Paul Hollywood pie.

-Wow, Hacker, this looks amazing.

-It does, doesn't it?

-What's in it?

-Paul Hollywood, of course.

-KNOCKING INSIDE PIE:

-'Can you get me out of

'here, please?

'Ooh, my spine.'

Right, I'm going to have to bring out a show stopper of my own.

How about this one from earlier? It's about time

this sketch was over.

# Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... #

What are you like in the kitchen, Father?

Exactly like I am now...

but in the kitchen.

THEY SNIGGER

'If you're a fan of high-quality singing,

'look away now'

and close those ears.

It's time for Lost & Found...

& Lost Again.

# Whoa-oh-oh, lost and found

# Then lost again. #

You all right, cockers? What's the happening

at foot of our stairs and that, eh?

Pst!! Leah, if you want to fit in round here, you're going to

have to start talking with a Canadian/North American accent.

Eh, lad, if only it were that easy, by gum.

# When I came here to learn how to sing

# I really look forward to doing my thing

# But there's one problem, don't know what to do

# I don't speak the lingo, I feel so blue

# Terminology

# It makes me so unhappy

# Unhappy

# Why's an aubergine known as an eggplant?

# And why say diaper when it's nappy?

# Nappy

# Terminology

# It's rubbish!

-# You mean, it's trash

-It's trash

# Use your sneakers to stroll down the sidewalk

# And fill your station wagon with gas

# With gas

# Terminology

# It's soccer and not football

# Football

# A car has a trunk and a hood

# And it's winter, spring, summer and fa-a-all!

# Oh, when will I realise

# The discrepancy betwixt chips, crisps and French fries?

# Oh, French fries. #

OK, I see your point.

And your accent is what makes you feel special.

You know, you shouldn't feel you have to fit in with our

stereotypical Canadian/North American ways.

-IN FAUX AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Totally. You're so right.

I don't know what I was evs worried about.

Obviously, my brilliance will shine through. I'm off t' mall.

Laters!

-HACKER SNIFFS

-Ah!

'And now we come'

to the climax of the show,

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam My Guest

# Beam My Guest

-ALL:

-# Beam My Guest. #

Beam guest, my guest, beam my!

Luis Deirdre Troyano, how much do you want to go home?

I really want to go home now, thank you.

Well, now's your chance cos you are standing in my 100% real teleporter.

-Do you like it?

-I do, it's really snazzy.

-Isn't it?

-Yes.

-It's as snazzy as your cardigan.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably, however, and you'll go somewhere horrific.

-How does that sound?

-Awful.

The time will end when you hear this sound.

Ooh, I'm as fresh as a daisy!

-Are you ready?

-Ready when you are.

In that case, start the clock.

-What's Paul Hollywood's favourite film industry?

-Hollywood.

No, it's the British film industry.

He's very supportive of home-grown talent.

What hat does Mary Berr-et wear in France?

-Is it a beret?

-No, it's a homburg.

It's much better suited to the changeable weather in Brittany.

Ask you the next question, here's Rachel and Jude -

the stars of one of CBBC's top shows.

At the Lost & Found Music Studios

we are famous for playing our instruments.

But what is Jude playing today?

Is he playing a harmonica?

Let's see if you're right.

Good guess, but he's actually playing

with his indivisible evil moustache.

JUDE CACKLES EVILLY

Yeah, I'm as nonplussed as you by that, cocker.

Next question. What is in a game pie?

That is definitely venison and partridge.

No. A chessboard, of course.

Herman is holding an object that represents a popular baking term

but what is it?

Is it a soggy bottom?

No! Don't be daft. Look, it's butter cream.

A pair of buttocks on a ream of paper.

Buttock ream. Butter cream.

Buttock ream. Bum paper.

Now, what do bakers need?

-They need bread.

-No.

They need to be quiet because the time's nearly up.

Ooh, I'm as fresh as a daisy!

Lorraine, what's his total?

Pi.

Well done. That means you've won a pie and you're also going home.

What do you think about that, cocker?

-I'm really happy, thank you.

-Lovely.

Time to beam my guest.

Oh, Herman, make sure you don't

accidently send him somewhere pointless.

-Don't worry, Mr Hacker.

-HE LAUGHS

No, don't send me anywhere pointless. Don't do it.

I don't want this...

I'm sure he's fine.

HE ROARS

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to rearrange the towels in my airing cupboard, but first

I shall sing my sickening end song.

Sing along, cockers, you know you want...

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first BAFTA

# Join again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff - it will be top drawer

# Luis Troyano the cake maker came in to talk of haute cuisine

# We larked around in the Bake Off tent

# But I put Paul Hollywood in a pie

# Served Luis a cake, made him feel green

# That is it for now, the end of the show

# I need the lav-lav so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary - it's called Hacker Time

-# That is the end of today's Hacker Time!

-#

-EGGS:

-You'll never beat us!

Why do I keep running

in slow motion?