Michelle Hardwick Hacker Time

OK, one minute to on air, everyone!

OK, everyone. Before the show starts,

I've got a load of mail from the fans to hand out.

-Here you go, Lolly.

-Oh!

-Well, I never usually get anything!

-Oh, it's not for you!

They're just today's viewer complaints. You can answer them!

-Typical.

-Wilf!

-Hello?

-Here's your post.

Great! I've been meaning to finish off that fence. Thanks.

You all right, cocker? What have you got for me?

Oh, loads of letters!

On this eye chart!

Oh, great. I need an eye test.

Ow! Duhhhhh....

Any for me, Mr Derek?

Of course not, Herman!

-But you've got loads! Who are they for?

-It's all fan mail.

LOUD WHIRRING

They're mainly electricity bills, because it won't turn off.

-Run the titles!

-Ohhh!

-Ohhh!

OK, stand by, everyone.

We're on air in five, four...

Wilf, is the celebrity guest here?

She's just coming now.

Hi! I'm Michelle Hardwick,

I'm here for my serious interview about Emmerdale.

Certainly, madam. But, er, don't you need the toilet first?

-No, not really.

-Oh, come on.

-You can always make time for a toilet break.

-But I don't need it.

You might as well squeeze a bit out.

What's...?

Ready, Hacker!

Time toi-let her in!

AAAAAGH!

HE WHISTLES

SHE SCREAMS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's actress Michelle Hardwick,

AKA Vanessa from Emmerdale!

SHE SCREAMS

Hey, welcome to Hacker Time!

No way, no. I am not doing this.

Oh, come on, Michelle!

You know what Emmerdale's like - explosions, fires and storms.

You're much safer here, you know. Nothing dangerous ever happens.

-Good point, yeah. All right, I'll stick around for a while.

-Yeah.

KLAXON BLARES Oh! Oh, no!

I've never heard that before!

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Quick, Derek! Run the fact file!

Yes, Mr H.

-They've took me brother and made him into a pizza!

-'What's this?

'Wrong button.'

'Who's that?

Oh, it's him again! This is right. Michelle Hardwick

plays a chequered-shirt-wearing vet on Emmerdale.

Her character, Vanessa, is often found looking annoyed

with her hands on her hips...

Looking annoyed with her hands on her hips...

Or if she's really pushing the boat out,

looking annoyed with her hands folded.

You should move away from Emmerdale, Michelle,

it's clearly a very annoying place to be.

That's a bit of what you need to know about Michelle Hardwick.

Hold on, she's put her hands on her hips and she's not even annoyed!

I can't cope!

That's the alarm carefully turned off.

Now, Michelle, you act on a SOAP.

-Yes, I do.

-Must be difficult. Do you ever SLIP OVER?

Ha-ha!

Just one of the many weak soap jokes coming up on the show today.

Larry, tell us what will accompany them, cocker.

Certainly, Hacker!

Here's what else is coming up, bar the soap gags.

Expect dramatic revelations...

Who told you my middle name?

-These people screaming a bit...

-WAAAAGH!

-WAAAAGH!

..and Hacker doing that head-banging thing.

Try not to turn off!

Now, Michelle,

it's time for my big interview.

-Are you ready, cocker?

-I am.

-Belting!

All right, question one. You play Yvette on Emmerdale.

What is your character, Yvette, like?

No, I play a vet called Vanessa.

Then who is Yvette?

-I'm Yvette!

-Oh, and what's YOUR name?

No, no, no. My name is Yvette.

Oh, so you're not a vet, then?

Oh, yes. But I am also a veterinarian.

Get out! We've already got one fraudulent vet on this show.

Go on, off you pop!

Sorry about that. Right, Michelle.

I'm told that you enjoy singing in your spare time.

Yeah, I do a bit of karaoke now and again.

What do you enjoy singing the most? Soap operas?

Ha-ha-ha!

-You get it?

-Very good, I do get it.

It was a joke. Michelle, I have to say,

on Emmerdale, the camera absolutely loves you.

-Oh, thank you.

-Yeah. And here it is now!

Oh, marry me, Michelle!

-OK, I'll marry you!

-Ohhh!

Hey, I've been wondering.

Who is your best friend on the set of Emmerdale?

My best friend is probably Zoe Henry, who plays Rona.

Rona! I can tell you that my best friend on the set of Hacker Time

is... Herman?

Oh, Mr Hacker!

Oh, I never thought you thought of me that way!

No, no. I wanted you to get me best friend, the camera that was just on.

Yes, Mr Hacker. Hello, Michelle.

Off you pop, Herman. Oi, Hardwick.

Remember when I was an actor on Emmerdale

and you disturbed my character's beauty sleep?

-No.

-Well, have a gander at this!

Hey! What are you doing here? I was having a right good nap there.

Your door was open. I knocked.

Is there something wrong with your boiler?

My boil? How dare you?!

I'll have you know, this is a beauty spot.

I got you this. Only the best for Tootsie, eh?

Tootsie? Who told you my middle name?

You owe me £2.61p. They don't give it away, do they?

That's it! First you break in,

and now you try and sell me rancid meat produce.

Go on, sling your hook! GRRR-RRR!

OK, sorry.

Oi! You left your bag!

Oh, look!

Rancid meat produce.

My favourite!

-That's so good.

-I spent hours doing that. Now, cocker,

is it true that you were a member of the Emmerdale fan club

-from a very young age?

-Yes. Where did you read that?

I read it, cocker. Doesn't matter where. I read it with me eyes.

That's how you read stuff.

Well, do you know there's a Hacker Time fan club?

-Is there?

-Yeah. Would you like to join it?

-I'd love to join, please.

Belting. You get this free hat and pencil case.

There you are. It's literally a club for people that like fans.

Very good. So, Michelle,

you've got two pet cockerpoos.

-Yes.

-What are they a cross between?

-It's a cocker spaniel and a poodle.

Well, I'm cross between 7.00 and 7.30 on weekday evenings.

Because Emmerdale's on.

I'm just kidding. I've never watched it.

Now, on Emmerdale, there's always a commercial break in the episode,

which allows you time for a breather.

So I thought we'd have one on this show.

That's the end of part one, see you after the break.

So, Hacker, where are you from, originally?

Don't speak to me when the cameras aren't rolling.

And we're back in three, two, one...

Hacker Time.

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Welcome back.

Yvette and I were having a lovely little chat about our home life.

Anyway, it seems as though Emmerdale always has a dramatic cliffhanger.

Well, we have a dramatic cliffhanger on this show, too.

Ooh, I'm Cliff,

and I've got absolutely nothing

to wear out tonight! Ohhh...

So now it's the end of the interview.

Here is my dramatic end.

PHHH-RRR-TTT!

Someone get the fan!

Larry, cut to summat else!

Now on Hacker Time,

love is in the air in today's edition of the Accommodation Place.

Enjoy a stay by the calming sea.

Experience a warm welcome...

-Madam...

-Oh, get out of the way!

And indulge in gourmet food.

This isn't just any accommodation place.

This is THE Accommodation Place.

It's Valentine's Day

at the Best Opulent Tiptop Ostentatious Metropolitan Hotel -

B.O.T.T.O.M.

As it's Valentine's Day,

we've decided to add a touch of romance to our normal proceedings.

Here's your solo-occupancy room, madam, you depressing singleton.

Heh-heh. It's all right, I put some roses on the bed.

AAAGH!

Oh, I forgot to take off the thorny stems.

What am I like?!

There's even a specially crafted Valentine's Day menu

in my restaurant.

Here's your beating heart.

Hoo-hoo!

HEARTBEATS

THEY SCREAM

Over in reception, Tony Giblet and Susan Earwax

are discussing whether the romantic touches

have indeed touched the hotel romantically.

Wonderful idea, Susan, putting chocolate mints on the pillows.

-They're delicious.

-They're not chocolate mints.

They're chocolate oranges.

Oh, right.

From my bottom.

Yeah, the B.O.T.T.O.M Hotel storage cupboard.

Let's hope I got the right box, because for some reason we stacked

them next to one another in the same cupboard.

HE SPITS What are you doing?

I'm putting on a special speed-dating event

to find myself a new man.

Too small!

Too furry!

Too much of a cat.

-Not enough of a cat.

-Eh?

Oh, hello.

-This just arrived for you, Susan.

-What's that? A Valentine's card?

It doesn't say who it's from.

Well, it's not from me.

I find Valentine's Day a cynical ploy by greeting card companies

to greedily prey on human emotions, just to turn a profit

at an otherwise financially quiet time of year.

Wilf, this Valentine's card just arrived for you.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! Hot dog!

HE SINGS WITH DELIGHT

I wonder who it could be from.

Blue pen. It's been written in blue pen.

Susan? What do you think to my new blue pen?

Blue pen! Blue pen! Hey!

HE HUMS WITH DELIGHT

Just finish writing my sentence.

Onions. I really can't get enough of them.

I know that Tony Giblet loves me, so I'm going to drop some really extra

super-tiny little subtle hints.

Coo-ee!

# I want to be loved by you Just you, nobody else but you

# I want to be loved by you.... #

I may have been too subtle.

# Boo-boo be do! #

No? No.

And now for dessert - a nice big hug in a mug.

Get off. Get off.

GET OFF!

Back at the speed-dating event...

Too flat-faced.

Huh?

You!

You're the one I've been looking for.

HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

What a lovely Valentine's Day this has been.

I can really see that love is in the air. Whoo-hoo!

-Oh, careful, Miss Love.

-Can't you read the sign?

Susan?

Can I give you a sloppy quiche?

Tony! I knew you liked me all along.

Sloppy quiche. From the restaurant.

There's been a cancellation, so it needs eating.

You didn't think I wanted to... kiss you, did you?

I'd rather kiss... a mackerel's armpit.

Ohh! But Tony, if you're not my secret admirer,

then who sent me this Valentine's card?

Just here to check out.

Sure thing. Have a nice day.

Goodbye.

I suppose we'll never know my secret admirer.

-EMOTIONAL:

-Goodbye...my love.

And remember, love makes the world go round.

That and the conservation of angular momentum.

I remember being on a date back in the late 1970s.

Oh, tell me about it, Father.

It was a bag of 20 that I grew on after they were left in the kitchen

drawer for too long.

You're watching Hacker Time and now you can join the fan club.

Unfortunately, we've run out of pencils.

So to join, just send £4 million to...

Mr Derek.

No rest for the wicked.

-Yes, Herman?

-I've got an idea for a new soap.

Great! That stuff in the gents needs replacing, so that's good.

No, no, it's a new soap opera that you can produce,

starring an up-and-coming presenter-slash-actor.

Let's call him Herman.

He overcomes many obstacles in his life to become the biggest star

-in the world.

-Oh, Herman, it's a great idea!

-Let's do it!

-Oh, thank you, Mr Derek.

-Yes, but I'd like to make one small change.

-What's that?

The main character, Herman, he sounds like a total loser.

I'd replace him with a successful TV producer called Derek McGee.

Ooh, in fact, I'm going to go and produce it now and make a fortune.

Now go and change the soap in the gents.

HOO-HOO!

One day at a time, Herman.

One day at a time.

Coming back to studio in three, two, one...

And cue.

Now, cocker, who is the longest-running family in Emmerdale?

Probably the Sugdens?

Come off it, now. It's the Dingles.

They've all run marathons. Ha-ha!

Here is a little song about them.

# First there was Jonah, who had two sons, Bert and Jedediah Dingle

# Jeb had Shadrach, Albert, Zak Caleb, Ezra and Zebediah Dingle

# Shadrach's daughter Chastity is known as Chaz Dingle

# Albert's son is called Elijah and is the brother of Marlon Dingle

# Zak had Butch, Ben, Sam Cain and Nathan

# Tina and little Belle Dingle

# Cain had a daughter called Debbie Dingle

# Sam had a son called Samson Dingle

# Caleb had a daughter Mandy Dingle

# Zeb had Delilah and Lilith Dingle

# Lilith had a quartet of young kids

# Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Dingle

# And back to Bert, he was one of the offspring of the original

# Jonah Dingle

# He had three sons Obadiah, Soloman and Elvis Dingle

# Obadiah's daughter Charity had Moses and Noah Dingle

# Elvis married Marilyn and had Daniel and Brando Dingle

# Then there's Lulu Dingle

# But it's not quite clear where she fits into the family tree. #

What do you think of that, cocker?

That was the best song I have ever heard.

BELL RINGS

That's lunch. Are you hungry, Michelle?

-Oh, I'm starving, yeah.

-Good luck with that. We're off.

Come on.

Oh, I wonder what's for pudding.

Oh, great. Hello? Anyone?

Wilf, from now on, you're only going to sell locally sourced produce.

That means anything farmed from a local farm, we will sell.

Oh, I found this on a farm.

-Wilf! That's disgusting!

-Don't worry,

it's just a chocolate cake

made by a local farmer.

Oh, hello, I just wondered how free-range your eggs are.

Oh, extremely. They've got acres of space to run around in.

You'd be lucky to catch one.

GIGGLING

How about your chicken?

Same for them. In fact, they are having a race right now.

CLUCKING

Who came first, the chicken or the egg?

Don't know. Didn't see, mate.

Are you sure all your products are locally sourced?

Oh, yes. Most of them are within ten yards of this van.

I got a load of stuff from that bin over there.

Do you have anything actually grown on a farm?

Yes, this farmer's son. He's on work experience.

All right?

Fine! I'll...have some chocolate cake.

There you go, sir.

Well, at least we sold the chocolate cake.

What are you talking about? I've got it right here.

But I can't find that steaming pile of cowpat I left under the counter.

Oh, Wilf!

I'll fire the work experience boy.

BELL RINGS

And now, from the newest soap opera,

it's Hacker and Michelle in Emmerfail.

THEME TUNE PLAYS

Hacker, now, apparently, you are a newly qualified vet in my surgery.

So what do you think we should do with the first patient?

-Er...

-You're going to have to make a quick decision, Hacker.

-Um...

-Hurry, Hacker!

BEEPING

Oh, no. It's too late.

What are you on about? That'll just be my microwave steak done.

HACKER HUMS

-Look at that.

-Hacker, you are not taking this seriously.

You're right.

I know what we have to do. Pass me the knife.

This is going to be tough.

Yeah, I left the steak in the microwave for far too long.

Come on, Hacker, you need to tend to the patient.

You're right, you're right.

Orange cat? I'm afraid you haven't got much time left.

So what do you think the problem is?

I swiped all the THYME from his shopping bag to use on this steak.

It's a herb! # Thyme and steak wait for no man. #

Hacker, this is important.

You've got to give me a diagnosis for this patient.

All right, all right, all right.

He's got worms.

-Have I?

-Finally, we're getting somewhere.

-So what do you think we should do?

-Well, here's a fishing rod.

Maybe he can go and catch some fish.

Ha-ha-ha! Off you pop.

Next patient, please!

You're looking a bit green.

Well, I'm a tortoise. I'm supposed to be green.

Oh, yeah!

Hacker, if you want to know what's wrong with him,

-why not just look at the chart?

-Oh, good thinking, cocker, yeah.

Oh, no!

It says you're ill!

No, that's his age.

He's 111.

Oh, yeah!

Look, I've got a problem with me shell.

Yeah, me too. She's a terrible actress, look at her.

No, it's my shell, it's cracking up.

Well, at least someone is.

Am I right? Just take a closer look at the patient.

I'll have to pick him up for this. Come here, then.

Oh, I know what the problem is.

I'm very sorry, but...

I'm going to have to put you down.

VIOLINS PLAY

You're way too heavy. LOUD CRASH

Hacker, we're going to have to put him in stitches.

-Not likely with this sketch, is it, cockle?

-Right, that's it.

You are fired. You will never be a vet.

Good! I don't want to be anyway.

She's a right bore.

How dare you?

I once had a pet dog.

But sadly, he passed.

I'm so sorry, Father.

No, he passed wind all the time.

The smell really stayed with you.

Ohhh...

Now on Hacker Time, get ready to scream.

There's a new boyband in town in today's Lost and Found...

and Lost Again.

Why are you lot dressed like that?

Well, we're forming the next big boyband.

-We're called...

-ALL: The Damps.

You'd never catch me listening to that mass-produced

commercial rubbish.

I'm all about REAL music.

-Oh, yeah?

-Mm.

# Hey, girl, do you want to come with me?

# I'd rather bathe in octopus's wee

# Just buy our tour DVD

# Oh, I'm distracted by things that are shiny

# We'll sell you books and a smartphone case

# I want to follow you through time and space

# Because our lyrics, they ain't ace

# I don't mind, now let me touch your face

# Our songs are so mundane

# But they suit the limits of my brain

# My face is all I got

# My hair's in a crazy knot

# So go buy everything

# Even this kitchen sink

# I'll buy your fast-food fries cos you've got lovely eyes

# Now please just make us rich

# Before our careers hit a ditch

# Hit a ditch, hit a ditch Hit a ditch, hit a ditch. #

Yeah, hey-hey!

Oh, take all my money!

I'll love you for ever.

What's this? A new boy band's just launched.

You guys are so two minutes ago!

Bye!

And now, we come to the climax of the show,

the quiz that we like to call...

# Beam My Guest

# Beam My Guest

# Beam My Guest

# Beam Guest My! #

Michelle Hardwick, would you like to go home?

Yeah, I'd quite like to go home, thanks.

Now's your chance. You are standing in my state-of-the-art teleporting

device. I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Get enough answers right and you'll be beamed back home.

Fail miserably, however, and you will go somewhere horrific.

-How does that sound?

-Fingers crossed I get them right, Hacker.

Get them crossed, cocker. The time will end when you hear this sound.

We could honeymoon in Provence.

Are you ready?

-Ready.

-In that case, start the clock.

Complete the following - Emma...

-Dale.

-No, it's Emma Watson, sorry.

What keeps me on the edge of my seat weekday evenings at 7pm?

-Emma...

-Dale.

No, my Emma-roids.

What is this?

Ooh, I used to like tractors.

-Fan?

-No, it's an ex-tractor fan.

An ex-tractor fan. He used to like tractors, now he doesn't.

-Do you understand?

-Yes.

Rita, Norris and Gail are all associated with which soap?

-Coronation Street.

-No, it's lavender and honeysuckle.

They love the stuff. They love it!

They can't get enough, rubbing it in.

Listen to this farmyard animal and tell me what it is.

QUACKING

-A duck!

-No, it's a pig doing an impression of a duck.

Listen to this farmyard animal and tell me what it is.

GRUNTING

-A horse?

-No, it's a pig, isn't it?

It's obviously a pig.

It's a pig. What is Marlon's profession on Emmerdale?

-He's a chef.

-No, he's a character in a soap.

He's not real! He's fictional, like that pig from earlier!

This is a picture of someone who works on Emmerdale, but who is it?

It is Sam Dingle.

No, it is Barnaby Sheepface.

He works in the production office.

Have you never met him? Typical of you actors, that.

Name one of the major disasters that have occurred in Emmerdale.

Helicopter crash.

No, your casting.

You don't need three vets in such a small village.

We could honeymoon in Provence.

Time is up. How did she score, Lorraine?

Huh?

Wow, our highest score yet. That means you're going home, Michelle.

-What do you think about that?

-Yes! Thank goodness.

Time to Beam My Guest.

Oh, Herman, make sure you pull the lever sending Michelle home.

I will, Mr Hacker.

I will. Heh-heh.

Oh, no... That was the wrong lever. Hacker, it was the wrong lever.

Where are you taking me?!

I don't know where she's gone but I'm sure she'll be fine.

That's almost it for today.

I'm off to strip the wallpaper in the spare room.

But first, there's the small matter of my woeful end song.

Join in, cocker!

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav now so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# It's been amazing, there's been joy, fun and laughter

# This could be the year we win our first Bafta

# Join us again next time cos we've got much more

# There'll be tons of other funny stuff, it will be top drawer

# Michelle Hardwick popped along

# It's the first time that we've met

# She's an actor in Emmerdale

# And I frustrated her with my ways so she fired me from being a vet

# That is it for now The end of the show

# I need the lav now so I'm going to go

# I'll see you next time on this show of mine

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# Put it in your diary It's called Hacker Time

# That is the end of today's Hacker Time! #

Oh, the show's ended, and I've still got nothing to wear!